465: Why You Keep Getting Triggered

Today, I am delving into the concept of triggers and how they reflect our unconscious beliefs. I share my personal experience with a recent trigger and explain step-by-step how I processed and resolved it using the Adult Chair model.

I demonstrate how identifying and integrating our unconscious parts can lead to emotional healing and self-awareness.

Transcript

Welcome to the Michelle Chalfant Show,

The next evolution of the Adult Share Podcast.

I am Michelle Chalfant,

And my goal is to help you to awaken to your true self.

Together,

We will break through your barriers so you can find your purpose and live a soul-aligned life.

Each week,

I'll bring you powerful conversations with thought leaders,

Spiritual teachers,

Healers,

And changemakers,

Along with actionable insights to help you to transform your life from the inside out.

Welcome to the Michelle Chalfant Show.

I'm very excited,

You guys,

Because today I am talking to you about how we resolve triggers.

And it's kind of a cool episode because I was really triggered,

Like massively triggered,

And I worked my way through it,

And I'm going to talk to you on today's show about how we work through our triggers.

What do we do with them?

So this is a great episode today.

I think you're going to really like it.

So here we go with resolving triggers.

Let me explain to you just real quickly,

First of all,

What the heck a trigger is,

And I think most of you probably know.

It's when something happens outside of you,

Whether it's something you're looking at or someone says something to you,

And you feel this gut-wrenching desire to just scream at the person in front of you,

Or you get angry,

Or you feel small.

It changes your state based on something that happens outside of you.

We feel bad about ourselves.

We want to get angry.

All of these things happen.

But what a trigger is,

Is that that person or thing that's happening outside of you,

All that's happening is that that thing outside of you is reflecting back to you an unconscious belief that you are unaware of.

So let's just say,

For example,

That you have this unconscious belief that happened many years ago,

Typically in our childhood,

Something like,

I'm unlovable.

So when something happens outside of you that reflects this inner feeling of I'm unlovable,

Most of us don't go into feeling that feeling.

We instead want to shut that thing down in front of us,

Or shut that person down in front of us,

And make them stop doing that so I stop feeling I'm unlovable.

And typically it happens so fast,

We don't stop ourselves and say,

Hmm,

I wonder what they're making me feel right now.

We instead get angry,

Or yell at them,

Or stop talking to them,

Or tell our friends and family how mean that other person was,

And then we get validation from them,

And they go,

Oh yeah,

You're right,

You know,

They're wrong.

So we get validated for how mean that other person was.

But really what happens when we're triggered,

It's an opportunity for me to get to know myself better.

In fact,

It's an opportunity for me to get to know my unconscious parts better.

Carl Jung calls this the shadow,

It's what lives in the unconscious mind.

We have so many parts of us that we have abandoned away that we don't ever want to see,

And we certainly don't want anyone else to know about any of these parts,

Because they feel so bad to us.

God forbid if we let anyone else know them.

And I'm not saying that we have to let the whole world know,

But it's for you.

You've got to figure out what the heck is going on in the unconscious mind.

If you can figure that out,

You will feel more whole and complete.

And yes,

So much of what this model is about,

You will start loving yourself.

How can you fully love yourself if you don't even know all of your parts?

We've got to integrate these parts,

Get to know these parts of us that feel like you're not good enough and you hate yourself.

And when someone else triggers you,

It's the most amazing way to figure out what's going on in the unconscious mind.

So if you can kind of shift your frame around that and reframe the whole idea of being triggered instead of being upset,

The next time say to yourself,

Hold on,

Like,

Maybe I could look inside of myself and see what's coming up for me.

So then I know this new unconscious part that I have been unaware of for all this time.

That means you've got to put your anger away and step aside because who,

Guess what part of us gets angry?

It's that egoic part that sits in the adolescent chair.

It's the part that wants to rage and get angry and use anger as a defense,

Not as a feeling.

It's more as a defense to shut that other person down.

So we've got to move out of the adolescent chair and move into the adult and get curious.

And when we're curious,

We can start doing this work of healing and transforming these triggers.

Let me explain to you what happened with me and how this all went down.

So we have some friends here that I've known for probably four years or so.

People that know me well know that I really don't drink.

I don't hardly drink.

I might have,

You know,

One drink every two months.

I'm just not a big drinker at all.

So that's one thing.

People that know me know that for sure.

The second thing is people know that I'm having some issues with sleeping in and sleep.

So right now and for quite a while,

Instead of getting up at my normal,

Which I'm a morning person anyway,

But instead of getting up at five or six in the morning,

Every morning I'm waking up at four o'clock.

I'm waking up at four o'clock and it does not matter what time I go to bed,

I still wake up at four o'clock.

If I go to bed at midnight,

I wake up at four o'clock.

So for that reason,

I go to bed at nine or ten o'clock at night.

So I get a lot of sleep.

I like a lot of sleep.

I'm someone that needs to get my sleep.

So I go to bed at nine or ten o'clock at night.

I've been doing this for a long time.

People that know me know that this is how I operate.

I just honor the fact that I'm waking up at that hour.

I've tried a million things under the sun to help me sleep later.

For whatever reason,

My body's waking up.

So I get up and I do my thing at four o'clock in the morning.

I'm getting up.

I'm meditating.

I'm enjoying my lemon water in the morning.

I love peace and quiet.

So I actually don't mind.

I watch the sun come up.

It's lovely.

But anyway,

Everyone knows that I'm getting up at this hour and then I go to bed really early.

So we made plans with some friends.

And this friend of mine said,

Hey,

She started texting me because we're going to go out to dinner today.

Hey,

Let's meet at four o'clock before dinner and we can have happy hour before we go to dinner.

What do you guys think about that?

We can go to happy hour and then we'll have dinner and then we can go to a movie.

And by the way,

I bought movie tickets and the movie tickets are for this movie and it starts at 915.

I read this text and I have this wave of anger come over me because this keeps happening with her.

And I feel just like,

Do you not know me?

Like that's the worst idea on the planet.

Number one,

I don't I don't mind sitting with people that are drinking.

I don't care about that.

But I have all these things to do today and my priority is not happy hour.

I am busy and I have all this stuff to do.

I'd love to have dinner,

But sitting around and doing happy hour today,

I already said I was really busy.

I can't.

It's just not a great thing for me.

And she loves to drink and go out and have tons of drinks,

Which is again,

I have no judgment.

I love her.

She's fine.

But what really bothered me was the fact that she knows that I'm not that way.

And she not only said,

Let's go drink,

Which she does all the time,

But also,

Hey,

I bought tickets for this 915 p.

M.

Movie.

And I said to her yesterday,

Well,

You know,

I go to bed early.

I can't do a late movie.

We can do a movie,

But like a six or seven o'clock movie,

I can't be out till midnight.

I'll be out.

I can't live on four hours of sleep.

So anyway,

So I read the text and saw that she bought the movie tickets already.

And the wave of anger that came over me was like,

I wanted to throw my phone through the window.

So I walked.

It was very early in the morning.

Walked in the bedroom.

I woke my husband up.

I said,

Listen,

I'm so angry.

I was trying to do some work this morning.

I couldn't even focus on the work.

I'm trying to write another class and I'm like,

I can't even think straight.

I'm so freaking mad right now.

So let me go wake up my husband and get his validation.

So I was totally,

Well,

I have to say,

I was starting to get curious about the amount of anger that I had.

So here's what happens from the chair perspective.

There's a vulnerable emotion that came up and I missed it.

And this is what happens with humans.

And we shift very quickly then in this adolescent chair to defend who we are,

To defend that very intense emotion that I was feeling that I,

That again,

It's like in a blink of an eye,

We feel this intense emotion.

The adolescent chair comes online and goes,

I got this.

She doesn't honor you.

She doesn't hear you.

What the hell is her problem?

She's,

She's driving you crazy.

What's wrong with her?

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

So I have all this anger about my friend.

So then I,

I marched into the bedroom,

Wake up my husband,

I go,

You need to listen to what I'm saying.

I said,

Can you just,

I said,

Am I losing my mind here?

Because she knows that I don't stay out late and I absolutely can never go to a 9-15 movie and she already bought those damn tickets.

I said,

And second of all,

I am not a drinker.

What the hell do I want to be at a happy hour at four o'clock on a Saturday?

That's not something I want to do.

I have so much to do today,

To do today.

And he's like,

Well,

You know,

I wasn't,

Well,

She doesn't know what she's doing and she didn't mean anything by it.

So as he's responding that way,

And we love these,

These,

These friends,

This is not anyone that I'm throwing under the bus.

This was actually,

I'm grateful for the whole experience because it helped me immensely.

But he's trying to make,

You know,

Make me relax a little bit.

So the more he's talking to me about how she didn't mean it and it's not a big deal and let it go and all this crap.

It's getting more and more angry and I'm like,

Are you kidding me?

Do you understand?

I don't drink.

Why am I going to go to happy hour all these hours and why the hell?

I will never be able to sit through a movie that long.

I've been up since 4am today.

It's like she doesn't hear me.

Like what is going on?

She's known me for years.

I say the same thing all the time.

And here's the key.

I started saying this to him out loud.

She's known me for years.

I say the same thing to her all the time.

I'm not a big drinker.

Please don't get mad if I don't want to go party with you.

And secondly,

I go to bed early.

She's a night owl.

So she's always asking me to do things at night.

Whenever we do anything,

It's like going out later,

Doing things later.

And then,

Oh,

Come on,

Just push yourself.

You know,

I hate when people say that to me.

I'm like,

I'm exhausted.

I need my sleep.

I'm feeling incredibly invalidated.

I'm not feeling seen by her.

I'm so upset by her because it's like,

Don't you see who I am?

Like I'm telling you for years I've said to her,

I'm not a big drinker.

You know,

I got to go to bed early.

And she'd say,

Oh,

Just push yourself.

It's no big deal.

And then like when she asked me what I'm doing for New Year's,

I have anxiety because I'm like,

How am I going to stay up till midnight?

At any rate,

So the more I'm thinking through it and the more my husband is not also validating me,

I'm getting more angry inside.

And as I'm doing this,

I'm having this giant awareness that this is a big trigger.

And I want to know what I'm feeling,

What emotions are underneath all this anger and all this longing to have somebody validate that I'm right and she's wrong and she doesn't see me and what's going on.

So my husband's talking,

Trying to explain to me that it's not that big of a deal.

And I,

Again,

Feeling even more invalidated,

Wanting to like just be,

I was so angry with him.

So I,

It just hit me and I was like,

I need to do this from my adult chair.

So I looked at him and I said,

Can you just do me a favor?

I said,

Just stop talking,

Stop talking.

Said,

And he knows because I've trained him to do this.

I've said,

When I say,

Please witness me,

That means shut your mouth.

And I don't mean that in a bad way.

It just means please stop talking and just listen.

Because to be witnessed by another human being when we're having our experience is the most powerful healing thing someone else can do for us and loving thing.

So I said,

Hold on a second.

I'm having an,

I want to have an experience around this and I need you just to witness me.

Can you do that?

And he said,

Yes.

I said,

Okay.

So I could feel it inside of me.

I was like,

Okay,

So that was my adult that stepped in and said that to him.

So I'm setting up what I need.

Then I made the decision to just slide over and feel my emotions.

So I climbed in my child chair.

I'm doing this,

Of course,

Metaphorically.

He's like laying in bed and I'm standing on this.

I'm just standing next to the bed and he's just staring at me.

So I could feel though the energy shift.

That's the thing.

When I say we're sliding from chair to chair,

You can use physical chairs for sure,

But there's an energetic shift that happens inside of us.

So I feel this wisdom that comes in with my adult.

And then I feel this very fast paced,

Defensive energy that comes in with my adolescent.

And then this innocent,

Vulnerable energy of the child.

So I said,

I know I got to go there.

So as I'm upset,

I just shut my mouth and I started taking really slow,

Deep breaths.

And I could feel my energy drop into my emotional body.

And then I said,

Okay.

And I started talking to my husband.

I said,

You know what?

When she,

And I just started speaking very slowly about what or how it makes me feel when she does not validate me.

And I said,

You know,

It really hurts me that I've known her for all of these years and she does not validate and acknowledge the fact that I don't drink.

I hardly drink and she's a big drinker.

And it's like,

She doesn't hear me or see me.

I said,

It also hurts that she thinks that she always is pushing me to stay up later than I can.

It's like,

And then this is when it all cracked open.

I said,

It's like,

I'm invisible to her.

Like,

Does she not see me?

And then I took a moment and I just kept,

The key is to breathe really slowly.

It slows everything down.

And it kept me in my inner child part.

And I was breathing really slowly.

I could feel my energy drop in further.

And it was like,

Poof,

All of a sudden,

Cause I was slowing things down so much.

I dropped into when I was five years old.

And I was like,

Oh my God.

And I said,

I am invisible.

And I looked at my husband.

I said,

And it was interesting.

It was fascinating actually,

Because the voice that was coming out of my mouth was like a five-year-old.

And I said,

I couldn't even,

As clear as I sound right now,

It was like a whisper that was coming out of my mouth.

And I said,

I'm invisible.

Nobody hears me.

Nobody hears me.

I don't matter to anybody,

But it was like a whisper.

Like,

You couldn't even hear every word that was coming out of my mouth.

And I said,

I could feel myself.

I was five,

And I was in the middle of my family.

And I started having all these flashes of,

Wow,

You know,

I wanted the chaos and the emotional abuse that was all around throughout my family.

I had tons of people around me.

I had,

And as you know,

When I speak of family,

It's this Italian family.

So it's not like it was just mom,

Dad,

Sister.

It was mom,

Dad,

Sister,

Grandma,

Uncles,

Aunts,

Cousins.

It was all of us.

And I sat there and I was just looking at my husband.

And sometimes I was looking up at the ceiling and I said,

And this little girl,

Like,

Couldn't barely speak voice.

And just,

I knew,

Again,

There was like,

The adult wisdom was there guiding this whole process.

And I knew I needed to say it out loud.

That's so important.

I said,

I,

And again,

I was speaking from this very old part of me that was only five years old.

And I said,

You know,

All of these people are around me and they don't hear me.

I want this chaos to stop in the family.

I want someone to hear me.

I said,

Nobody ever hears me.

Wow,

I was crying really hard at this point.

And I said,

Doesn't anybody see me?

I'm invisible.

I'm invisible.

And maybe I don't even matter.

I'm invisible.

And maybe I don't even matter.

In fact,

I know I don't matter to anybody because if I did,

This chaos would stop.

Ooh,

Take a deep breath on that one.

Because it's,

It's like just powerful.

It was so powerful.

And I kept my breath and my breathing very,

Very low.

I just kept breathing.

And I knew to breathe because I hold my breath.

And I kept saying to myself,

Again,

The adult voice was coming and saying,

Breathe,

Breathe.

I just kept breathing.

And I sat with it.

I just sat in those emotions.

And I'm going to tell you right now,

The whole process took maybe from start to finish five minutes or so,

Maybe seven minutes.

It was not like an hour.

It was maybe five to seven minutes.

That's how quickly this goes.

So I sat in that I'm invisible.

I sat in,

I don't matter.

Nobody's stopping this chaos.

I guess it's because of me and nobody can see me.

Sat in it and sat in it.

And then I could feel it wash through me.

I just felt this,

Everything,

As I was breathing,

The energy kept moving and the emotions kept moving through me.

The next thing that happened was,

And this is exactly how it works.

If I'm in group with someone or I'm in a session with somebody,

This is how it works.

And this,

I'm sharing this with you guys.

I brought in this adult voice and you will know when it's time to become your adult.

And the adult speaks fact and truth.

It's like my little girl inside of me needed that clarification of what was true.

So as a five-year-old,

It felt like I was invisible and I've carried that with me for all these years.

In fact,

What was ironic,

I was thinking as this was all happening,

How often I repeat myself.

So I repeat myself to my family and my children will say to me,

Mom,

You've told me like five times.

And I'll say to them,

But did you hear me?

And they're like,

Yeah,

I heard you the first time.

And other people have said that to me over my life.

And I'm like,

Why do I repeat myself so much?

And it all made sense in this moment.

Like,

Holy crap,

It's because I don't feel like I'm seen.

I don't feel like I matter.

I don't feel heard,

I feel invisible.

So how the hell would I think that anyone is ever gonna hear what I have to say or see me?

So then the adult voice came in.

And again,

You'll know when it's time.

Sit in that child and let all of those emotions wash through you and use your breath.

Cry them out.

If you feel like you wanna punch something,

Go and punch a pillow.

Do something,

Get that emotion to move through you.

And then you'll know when it's done because there is no more crying.

There is no more talking.

And I just stopped.

And it was interesting.

At one point when I was really crying,

My husband said,

No,

He chimed in.

And he said,

No,

Just hold on a second.

You really need to.

And I looked at him in the middle of it.

I said,

Don't say a word.

Because sometimes,

Of course,

When people are crying or we're in the middle of our process,

It is triggering for other people.

And now he was getting triggered.

And I looked at him.

I said,

Don't say a word,

Please.

Just sit here.

You're doing great.

Just listen to me.

And he said,

Okay.

So I had to remind him.

But then the adult voice came in and she said,

Here's what I know that's true.

And she started listing facts and truth from what it was like way back when,

When I was five and even going through all my growing up years.

And it was all these,

It was like bullet points of facts.

It was like,

It's not that you were invisible.

It's that they didn't know what to do.

They didn't know how to stop the chaos,

But they heard you.

And then I remember,

It was like the adult voice was coming in and then I would speak it from the child and I would turn to my husband and I go,

They did hear me and they didn't know what to do.

So it was almost like this wise voice was coming in.

And then from this child perspective,

I was changing the program by speaking it out loud.

I was like,

They do,

They did know what,

They did not know what to do because they were so wounded.

They knew there was chaos.

They wanted to change it.

They didn't know,

Nobody knew what to do.

Nobody knew how to stop it.

It was mostly the uncle.

It was that uncle I talk about.

He brought so much emotional chaos in our family.

Nobody knew how to stop him.

I mean,

I wouldn't know how to stop him today,

But if you're wounded,

You don't know how to set boundaries.

You don't know how to speak up.

You're in your own way.

As this adult voice was coming in,

I was feeling it down through my child and I was speaking it out loud saying,

Maybe I am seen.

And it was like this curiosity was coming in.

And again,

The little girl voice was so quiet and it was broken.

Like I couldn't even hear,

Some of the words wouldn't even come out.

And I felt like I was five years old speaking.

And then I said,

You know what?

I just kept breathing.

Again,

This is key,

You guys.

Breathe,

Breathe,

Breathe very slowly.

And I said,

I am seen.

And it wasn't my fault.

I have a right to be seen.

And I have a right to have a voice.

As I started saying this,

I could feel my legs start to fill up with energy.

I could feel myself in my body and I felt clearer and more grounded and more in my truth.

And I said,

You know what?

Yeah,

It's okay.

I am visible.

I am seen.

And I could feel everything.

As my body started filling up with energy,

I could feel my little girl,

Her voice got louder and deeper and louder and deeper and louder and deeper.

And then I looked,

I was looking like out the window for quite a while.

And then I looked right at my husband at the end and I said,

I deserve to be seen.

I deserve to be heard.

I do matter.

And it was the voice I'm using right now with you guys.

It had like,

I'd moved into this very clear adult voice.

I said,

They were the ones that didn't know what they were doing.

But it was not my fault.

It was never my fault.

I was an innocent,

Vulnerable little girl.

But I don't even blame them.

They had all their own issues going on.

But I know what's true now,

Which is I am seen and I am heard.

I also felt like it is safe for me to speak up.

That was it.

I could feel myself fill up with energy.

It was as if this little inner child part went from feeling so broken,

So invisible to this filled up adult.

It was like she merged into this adult part of me and I was clear and I spoke and I looked at my husband when I was done and I go,

I'm done.

I'm done.

I feel fine.

I said,

It's over.

I said,

I am seen.

And it feels so good.

I could feel that this energy filled up from my toes all the way up to the top of my head and down my arms.

It was the most amazing experience.

This is how we shift to trigger people.

And now looking back on it,

When I think about my friend's text,

I can honestly tell you,

No charge,

Zero charge.

In fact,

I'm thinking about it right now.

I have nothing.

I don't feel contracted.

It's over.

That's our goal is to,

When we work with these triggers and we integrate them,

Oh my goodness,

We're not triggered.

We're triggered less and less and less and less and less.

I used to be trigger happy.

I was so triggered by everything.

My mood would go up and down and up and down and up and down.

It's so much more stable because I've worked through so many of these triggers.

I remember learning,

Doing shadow work many years ago and I'd get excited.

I'm like,

Ooh,

I'm triggered again.

Yes,

What part wants to come up?

What part in the shadows is coming up?

I want to learn about that part.

It's a part of me.

And we learn not to go there.

Push it away.

Cast it away.

It doesn't go away.

They don't go away just because we're not looking at them doesn't mean that those parts are not right there screaming at you that they hate you,

That you're not good enough,

That you are invisible.

So look at it,

Own it.

Gosh,

You know,

Maybe there is a part of me that is invisible.

Maybe there's a part of me that feels like she is unlovable or he does not matter.

Look at those parts when you're triggered,

Look inside.

And I do not,

I did not once say to blame yourself.

This has never been your fault that you have these shadow parts.

I don't blame myself for feeling invisible.

I was a little kid and you guys were all little kids when all this stuff happens.

Many people say that these shadows and these unconscious parts that we cast away,

Most of them happened by the time we're six years old.

You didn't know what the hell you were doing.

It wasn't like you consciously said,

Huh,

I hate myself.

Let me put that in the shadows.

It happens unconsciously and it happens so fast.

You don't even know what's happening,

But they're in there.

And now as adults,

It's our job to take a look in the mirror when we're triggered and go,

Even though I feel like killing that guy over there,

I'm so mad at so-and-so.

And I wanna tell everyone how wrong they are.

Instead,

What we wanna do is go inside and go,

What's coming up for me?

I hope this has been helpful.

I hope it does not overwhelm you what I just shared as far as trying to do this with yourself because I just invite you to be easy on yourself.

And if you listen to what I did,

Which is I got curious,

I sat in my child.

I,

First of all,

Stepped out of my adolescent chair,

Got into the child and got curious and wondered what the heck is it that I'm feeling.

Then my adult was next to me.

And when it was time,

My adult started reciting facts and truth.

That's it.

My adult started reciting to me facts and truth.

When it was time,

And you will know it,

It's an intuitive thing.

When the inner child part is exhausted out all of the emotions,

You'll know there's not another emotion to be talked about or felt.

Then it's time to bring in that adult voice with a new fact and truth.

This is all about updating these old programs.

And I can tell you again,

It's been probably an hour now.

Like,

Not triggered by her.

I love this girl.

She's wonderful.

I'm thinking about her text right now.

I feel flat and like nothing about it.

And I would,

You know me,

I'd be honest.

I tell you guys everything.

Like,

I don't feel any contraction.

It's over.

And I actually feel more grounded.

I feel really present and in my body.

Again,

That's how we turn around and go,

Wow,

I'm really grateful for that.

And I honestly can sit and say,

I am very grateful for that experience because it has changed me.

And she helped me find a shadow.

We are reflections of each other.

We are all reflecting our stuff on each other.

That's what we do all day,

Every day.

So pay attention the next time that you're triggered because you know what?

It's a helpful thing for you to help you to get to know another part of you that you didn't know until you were triggered.

So it's a good thing.

All right,

Let me know what you guys think about this.

And again,

Always sending so much love to everybody and keep using this adult chair because it really,

Really,

Really works and will transform the inside of who you are and help you to become the person that you have always wanted to be.

Actually,

It's the person that you already are.

We just got to transform some of these triggers and these masks off of ourselves and then the true self emerges.

So,

Okay.

Love you all.

Reviews

What a powerful lesson! I have been working on my triggers (criticism of me), but embracing them as opportunities to unearth the harm done by my parents ("You're ugly, stupid, a liar") seems more constructive than trying to will myself into believing something else about me.

Thank you for being willing to be vulnerable and walk through the steps of that experience as a model of how to walk through triggers, it was so helpful 💖This was just what I have been needing.

Great program and description of steps... but I was hoping you'd let us know how you handled this issue (of disrespect 🤔) with your friend.

Wow! What a wonderful tool. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I can totally see myself using it for this same trigger. It is a hard one to overcome.