"Lovingkindness" Meditation

Dr. Michael McGee's "Lovingkindness" meditation. With more than 30 years of experience in psychiatry, Dr. McGee specializes in integrating psychiatric treatment with spiritually informed interventions and practices. He is the creator of Awakening Therapy, a contemplative-relational approach to psychiatric treatment, and The WellMind Method, a practice that teaches people how to use love to heal wounds caused by trauma and neglect.

Transcript

This is a meditation for cultivating loving kindness.

This practice counters hatred and cultivates a loving heart if practiced regularly over a sustained period of time.

Be patient and persistent with this practice and give it time to take effect.

I'm grateful to several teachers including Sharon Salzberg,

Tara Brach,

Joseph Goldstein,

And others over the years who have taught me this loving kindness meditation.

This classic practice works by imagining yourself or someone else in your mind and then wishing yourself or them well with loving phrases that you repeat over and over,

Such as,

May you be happy.

When you're doing this meditation,

Try to visualize the person or people you are wishing well.

This visualization boosts the power of the practice.

You will start with a benefactor,

Somebody who has benefited you because that is the easiest.

You will then go on to wish yourself well and then to others,

Those you feel neutral towards,

All the way up to those you intensely dislike or perhaps even hate.

You can end the practice with loving wishes for all of life,

But you don't have to go that far.

At first,

You may just want to practice to wish benefactors and yourself well.

As you expand your well wishes to everyone,

You will experience more of a sense of belonging to everyone.

This practice helps to develop more universal compassion.

This practice can bring up painful feelings,

However.

They may highlight how much you hate yourself or someone else.

If this happens,

Pause,

Breathe,

And allow these feelings to arise.

Even though you may not feel loving toward yourself or towards other people,

It is only important at the beginning that you have an intention to wish yourself or others well because you know this is good for you and others.

Don't expect to necessarily feel loving feelings with this practice.

It may feel mechanical,

And that's okay,

As long as you have a sincere intention to wish yourself and others well.

You start with the recipient,

Either yourself or someone else,

With a phrase and the intention.

The feelings of love that often but not always come with reverence will arise with time and practice.

Keep in mind that the benefits of this practice come from your wholehearted presence and intention and not from having loving feelings.

Your attitude should be of giving a gift.

You are cultivating a generosity of spirit.

Don't be afraid that you have to let someone hurtful into your life with this practice.

This practice doesn't mean that you have to do anything.

You are just cultivating an inclusive,

Generous quality of heart apart from and in addition to any feelings you might have of dislike.

You don't have to be afraid of being overwhelmed with this practice either.

There are three parts to this practice.

One is the phrases which you will be repeating.

The second is a sense of the recipient of the loving kindness phrases,

Either yourself or others.

And the third is a sincere intention for the well-being of the recipient.

If a feeling of loving kindness arises,

That's fine,

But it is not necessary.

You may do this practice for just a few minutes or longer as you wish and as you have time.

Even a few minutes a day will benefit you.

So now let's begin with the loving kindness practice.

To start,

Get into a comfortable,

Relaxed,

Alert position.

Your eyes can be closed or you can have a downward gaze.

You can do this and other reference practices lying down if you're not sleepy.

Begin with sincerity of intention to wish yourself and others well.

Using your presence practice to get still and present.

Take some slow,

Deep,

Relaxing breaths.

Use your breath to anchor your attention.

If you wish,

You can close your eyes.

Remember,

As with all these practices,

Your mind will wander.

This is normal and completely okay.

When this happens,

Kindly and gently return your attention back to the phrases and the sense of the person you are giving loving kindness to.

Keep in mind that it is the return of attention to the phrases that is the most important part of the practice along with maintaining your intention.

Smile slightly with your jaw relaxed.

Sense the receptivity and openness of the smile.

See if you can feel the smile in the region of your heart.

Through your presence practice,

Invite a sense of warm openness and receptivity.

When you are ready,

Bring to mind someone who is very easy to love,

A benefactor.

You might want to look at the benefactor practice for examples.

This will be someone you already feel a sense of loving kindness for.

Let it be someone who,

When you think about them,

Lifts your spirits and makes you feel good.

Remember,

They don't have to be perfect.

After all,

Who is,

Right?

They may have hurt you,

They may have let you down.

The question is,

Are they good enough that they have benefited you?

Have they truly benefited you?

You may have several benefactors.

You can use one of them or different ones on different days.

Sense this person's goodness.

Sense what you appreciate in them.

Feel,

In a visceral way if you can,

Your appreciation for them.

Now,

Think to yourself,

This person wants happiness and to be free of suffering just like I do.

Now repeat silently one or more of the following phrases.

You may want to pick two,

Maybe four phrases that have the most meaning for you.

May you be filled with loving presence.

May you feel my love.

May you be free of suffering.

May you be free from ill will.

May you be peaceful.

May you be happy.

May you awaken and be free.

May you experience the natural joy of being alive.

May you be filled with loving kindness.

May you live with ease.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

Imagine them being filled with your good wishes.

Imagine them being touched by your love.

Now,

Bring into your awareness your own life.

Sense the goodness in yourself that you want to appreciate.

Sense yourself as you can in the eyes of another who loves you.

Sense the desire to know truth and to awaken.

Offer the loving kindness prayer to your own being.

You may want to put your hand on your heart.

Then repeat one or more of the following phrases.

May I be filled with loving presence.

May I feel my love.

May I be free of suffering.

May I be free from ill will.

May I be peaceful.

May I be happy.

May I awaken and be free.

May I experience the natural joy of being alive.

May I be filled with loving kindness.

May I live with ease.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

Repeat the phrases with a smile and with sincerity of heart.

If you notice self-hatred or an inability to feel caring for yourself,

Just notice this and focus on your intention to give loving kindness to yourself despite the experience of self-hatred.

You may want to imagine yourself at different ages and give loving kindness to yourself at those ages.

It may be easier at first to experience loving kindness for yourself when you were an innocent child.

Now,

Bring to mind someone who is hurting or who is having a difficult time.

Take a moment to reflect on what you appreciate about them.

What arouses your care?

Sense their aliveness.

Sense their heart.

Sense their pain.

Also sense their wholeness beneath their pain.

Attempt to be present with this pain without being overwhelmed.

Freely give your well wishes and care for them while letting go of any need to control them or any demand that they feel better.

Let this be a practice for you to develop the capacity to not turn away from another person's pain.

If you will,

Not changing the channel.

This practice is an act of will for developing compassion and equanimity.

Now,

With this person in mind,

Think to yourself,

This person wants happiness and to be free of suffering just like I do.

Then,

Silently repeat one or more of the following phrases.

May you be filled with loving presence.

May you be free of suffering.

May you be free from ill will.

May you be peaceful.

May you be happy.

May you awaken and be free.

May you experience the natural joy of being alive.

May you be filled with loving kindness.

May you live with ease.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

Now,

If you want,

Bring to mind a neutral person.

It may be a stranger.

It may be someone who you see at work but don't know well.

It may be a person at a store.

It might be a neighbor.

Get a sense of being on the same team with them.

Get a sense of your connection to them as part of the human family.

See if you can feel a sense of we and togetherness.

Look closely at them in your mind's eye.

Make an intention to connect with them.

As you do this,

See that loving kindness arises from paying attention to them.

Reflect on the fact that we all want to be happy.

We all want to be loved.

We all want to be long.

We all want to be free of pain.

Sense our shared universal vulnerability.

Now,

Think to yourself,

This person wants happiness and to be free of suffering just like I do.

Then,

As you imagine them as a sacred living being,

Offer them one or more of the following phrases.

May you be filled with loving presence.

May you be free of suffering.

May you be free from ill will.

May you be peaceful.

May you be happy.

May you awaken and be free.

May you experience the natural joy of being alive.

May you be filled with loving kindness.

May you live with ease.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

Now,

If you want,

You can bring to mind someone who is successful.

Note if there's any envy or jealousy or resentment.

Don't be ashamed or embarrassed about anything that arises in awareness.

Reflect on any sadness or regret you may feel about not being as successful.

Note this with compassion.

See if there's an idea that they have taken away something from you.

Note if there are any negative comparisons of yourself to them.

Also,

Note that everything is impermanent and they will experience the pains of loss and adversity as we all do.

Sense both their sacredness and their vulnerability.

See if you can sense within yourself any feelings of happiness for their success as you do this practice.

Think to yourself,

This person wants happiness and to be free of suffering just like I do.

Then,

Silently repeat to yourself one or more of the above loving kindness phrases that we went through before.

As you do so,

Hold them in your mind and focus on your intent to offer them loving kindness.

Now,

If you want and are ready,

You might bring to mind someone who is difficult or someone you feel mixed towards or someone you dislike or even hate.

Maybe it is someone you find annoying.

Don't attempt this practice until you really feel ready.

You don't want to force this practice with someone who has deeply hurt you or if you don't feel a willingness to forgive them,

To move on and wish them well.

You may want to have it develop an abiding sense of loving kindness for yourself before you extend your loving kindness to difficult or harmful people.

As you do this practice,

You will gradually develop strength and clarity.

As this happens,

You will develop your capacity to give loving kindness without hatred to hurtful and destructive people.

To begin,

You will want to start with a mildly difficult person.

If you feel distress in this practice,

Go back to offering loving kindness to yourself.

Remember,

You're doing this practice not only for others,

But you're also doing it for your own happiness and well-being.

Don't try to force any special feeling.

You do not have to like them.

You may notice there are negative judgments about them.

That's okay.

The practice is to include them in your field of loving kindness because they,

Too,

Are sacred living beings who may be sick or impaired in harmful ways.

As you do this practice,

See what happens when you wish for them to come out of their own suffering.

You might want to imagine them as an infant.

That will help you to tap into their original innocence and innate goodness before they were shaped by their conditioning.

As you do this practice,

Notice with time if there is an emergence of a sense of connection.

Think to yourself,

This person wants happiness and to be free of suffering just as I do.

Silently repeat to yourself one or more of the previous phrases.

As you do so,

Hold them in your mind and focus on your intent to offer them loving kindness.

Now,

If you want,

You can give loving kindness to a group.

It may be your family or friends,

Your community.

It could be marginalized people,

People living in poverty,

Perhaps homeless people,

Or any other group that you care about.

With time,

You can expand your group to include all of humanity and ultimately all of life.

As you do this practice,

You'll gradually experience a greater sense of interconnectedness with all of life.

This practice is not about liking everyone,

But of sensing that we are all part of a whole.

You can and should include yourself in giving loving kindness to all living creatures.

Think to yourself,

These people want happiness and to be free of suffering just like I do.

Then,

You can silently repeat to yourself one or more of the previous phrases.

As you do so,

Hold your group or all of life in your mind and focus on the intent to offer them loving kindness.

Finally,

At the end of this practice,

Attend to the quality of loving care itself.

Extend your care to all of life.

Extend loving kindness to all living beings.

Send a wish for the healing of our world.

If you suffer from self-criticism or self-hatred,

This loving kindness practice is a great practice for beginning to counter hatred with self-compassion and self-kindness.

You may not notice any changes in your consciousness right away.

It may take a few weeks or even months of consistent practice for you to notice your consciousness becoming kinder.

If you think about it,

It makes sense that it would take some repetition for new neural networks of compassion and love to develop that counter the years and years of hurt and negative judgments we have absorbed and endured.

Consistent,

Repetitive practice promotes positive mental reprogramming.

So keep at this with consistency and persistence.