Exercise To Understand Denial And Projection - 14min

This is a simple exercise needing a pen and a sheet of paper that goes to the heart of forgiveness. It teaches about denial and projection and that forgiveness is only for oneself. It teaches us to take back our projections from the world and enter our minds where healing can occur. All quotes are from the Third Edition of A Course in Miracles, copyright © 2007 by the Foundation for Inner Peace, USA, www.acim.org, used with permission.

Transcript

This is talk 13 in A Course in Miracles,

And in this talk we'll do a forgiveness exercise.

It may seem simple,

But it gives the key to forgiveness.

For this exercise you'll need a sheet of paper and a pen or pencil.

Divide the sheet into two columns by drawing a line down the middle,

And then put a line across the top,

About an inch,

Two centimetres down,

From the top of the two headings.

So you've drawn across.

In the top left-hand box write,

The qualities I like about,

Leave a space here,

Are.

In the top right-hand box write,

The qualities I dislike about,

Leave a space,

Are.

Now think of someone you know very well,

Someone for whom you can list both likes and dislikes.

This could be a parent,

Partner,

Lover,

Sister,

Brother,

Boss,

Friend.

They can be alive or dead.

Now write the name of the person you've chosen,

In the space left in the left and right-hand boxes.

Now write at least four or five qualities you like about this person,

And four or five you dislike about them,

In the respective columns.

If you find you're struggling to get four or five likes and dislikes,

Add another name to the top boxes,

And simply continue adding to your lists.

The more you write in your columns,

The more you may learn.

Spend a few minutes with this exercise.

If you need more time,

Just pause this audio,

And then when you're ready,

Unpause and listen to the next instruction.

It is important to complete your two lists,

Before you continue with this recording.

OK,

I'm assuming you've completed your lists.

Now go back to the top of your two lists,

Cross out the name on each side,

And insert your own name instead.

The lists now read as the qualities you like and dislike in yourself.

Strange,

But true.

If you did not possess these qualities yourself,

To some degree or another,

You would not see them in others.

You may find it difficult to accept some of these positive qualities,

Depending on the image you have of yourself.

For instance,

If you have low self-esteem,

You may find it impossible to believe that all these good qualities are within you.

Maybe you find it embarrassing when people appreciate you.

I will definitely switch the topic of conversation,

If someone says something complimentary.

If this sounds like you,

You can be sure there is hidden guilt waiting to be forgiven.

But don't despair.

Later on,

We will look at exercises that can be of help in this process.

In the same way,

The negative attributes you see in the other person,

Must also be in yourself.

Otherwise,

You would not be upset about them.

Of course,

It is possible to recognise character faults in another,

Without having them yourself.

However,

In this exercise you need to list the things that really upset you about the other person.

If something someone else does upsets you,

This is a red flag that is showing you what is unforgiving in yourself.

Take a little while to look at your lists.

For most of us,

A recognition that something we dislike in someone else is actually something we also possess,

Will be actively resisted,

Because in our minds we feel sure of two things.

The other person has these particular negative attributes,

And we want them to change these behaviours to the ones we prefer.

That they have these negative attributes may or may not be true,

But that is not important.

What is important is that on some level you know that what you accuse them of is a reflection of something within you.

Take jealousy as an example.

Maybe your partner is jealous of your friends,

And this may mirror your jealousy of those who are wealthier than you.

These are simply two different expressions of the same thing.

As William Shakespeare said in Hamlet,

There is nothing either good or bad,

But thinking makes it so.

Typically,

Our conditioning tells us jealousy is wrong,

Is bad,

And we should not be jealous.

Taking on this value judgment,

We feel guilty and ashamed,

And may pretend we do not suffer from it.

Or if we do admit we are jealous,

Then we will pacify ourselves,

That it's only,

Quote,

Just a little.

But we know this is not really true,

And don't want to face the fact.

Consequently,

When we see this fault in another,

We are uncomfortably reminded how,

To some degree,

We suffer from the same so-called sin.

When biologists want to understand the life and behaviour of some recently discovered animal species,

They need to do their work with non-judgmental awareness.

Whilst watching the new species,

They may observe all manner of behaviour,

Including much that is brutal.

For an instant,

Perhaps the male of the species has to be prevented by the female from fighting or devouring their offspring.

If biologists become upset and judgmental about the observed animal behaviour,

They have lost the required detachment to actually record what is happening,

And may be tempted to analyse or explain behaviour from a human point of view.

In the same way,

As we judge the facts of our nature,

We lose the ability to really see what is happening.

We may become preoccupied with guilt at what we observe,

Rather than working with acceptance and self-forgiveness.

Instead,

We quickly try to sweep it all under the carpet,

Where we desperately hope it will be forgotten.

If we uncover the uncomfortable facts of our nature and resist labelling them as bad,

We do have an opportunity to heal them.

Fortunately,

Opportunities are presented to us daily as we come into contact with people and events that trigger what we have tried to lock away in our unconscious.

The people we meet are our potential saviours,

Showing us,

Sometimes time and time again,

What we have tried to bury in our minds.

Should you observe in another a particular negative behaviour that either you do not possess,

Or do possess but have forgiven in yourself,

Then you would not respond with upset,

But rather with non-judgmental compassion for the other person.

You would simply know that their negative behaviour is caused by fear and that they are doing their best to cope with something they find difficult.

Their behaviour would not be perceived as an attack upon you,

But as a call for your help.

They would be allowed to be,

And you would be happy and willing to help if asked.

If you extend forgiveness to others,

You automatically extend this forgiveness to yourself too.

What you give to others,

Whether in love or hate,

You also give to yourself.

Why?

Because our actions reinforce the thoughts in our mind.

If we act lovingly,

We are reminding and reinforcing in ourselves that we are loving.

Similarly,

To attack another increases the hate and therefore guilt in our mind.

The behaviours in the dislike column may not apply to you in an obvious,

Direct way.

Maybe you listed anger,

Yet you never get angry with the person whose name you mentioned initially,

Nor do you consider yourself characteristically angry.

But what if you do carry suppressed anger that makes you feel ashamed,

And this is what you are being reminded of?

Rather than directly expressing your anger back to them,

You may withdraw and act remote around this person.

Perhaps you dislike a person drinking alcohol because you virtually never drink.

Try to look at your thoughts and feelings when you are in the company of this person.

Why does it bother you so that they drink?

Are they perhaps drinking to escape from the pain in their life?

Do you also seek to escape from the pain in your life,

But use other means such as overeating,

Or excessive viewing of TV,

Or browsing of the internet?

Take a few minutes again to look again at your negative column on the list you made earlier.

Pause this audio until you are ready to begin again.

Do you feel there is some truth in what it says about you?

Our egos hate this type of exposure.

We prefer to deny what is in our subconscious and project it out onto the world instead.

Rather than look at ourselves,

We blame everyone else.

Our mother,

Father,

Partner,

Employer,

The government,

This dictator,

That religion,

And so on.

To start the process of forgiveness,

We need to take responsibility for what is in our own minds.

And in the next talks,

We will explore more fully our ego's story of denial and projection.

In every situation in which we lose our peace,

We have found a reflection of what is unhealed,

What we have not forgiven ourselves for.

We all walk around in a hall of mirrors,

The world constantly reflecting back what is in our minds.

When we are upset,

The world becomes the messenger,

Drawing our attention to what we have tried to ignore,

Or even failed to recognise.

Instead of Kerry the messenger,

We now have an opportunity to work with forgiveness of ourselves.

You may agree with some or all of what you have heard so far,

But may have serious reservations about whether this applies to events on the world stage,

Such as war and genocide,

Murder and rape.

How can we forgive such atrocities?

This is an important question,

And will be explored more fully in another talk.