Hello,
My name is Maggie Stevens and this is an essay called Don't Want to Mind.
Whether we have had children of our own or have only observed them out in nature,
We've all seen moments when these little people dig in their heels,
Cross their arms,
And utter their defiant NO.
The educator in me could point to the developmental stages of independence and self-formation.
Others may see evidence of poor parenting or strong personalities.
These observations may seem easy and straightforward when we're looking at children,
But when we turn the lens to our own minds,
We become less comfortable.
Why do our minds become resistant?
Whether we are trying to develop good health habits or decrease our negative judgments,
Our minds can look just like that defiant child.
Don't want to!
According to the Buddha,
Aversion is one of the three defilements or causes of suffering.
Grasping and delusion are the other two.
Aversion is the mind's way of avoiding what it doesn't want and trying to control the present moment.
I don't want this.
I want that.
Aversion ignores impermanence.
Everything changes all the time.
We may not like this,
But it will pass.
We may not like what comes next either.
Deluded thinking can lead us to believe that we can control situations and people.
So how do we work with the toddler in our brains?
First,
We can recognize that aversion is a passing state,
That it doesn't define who we are.
We can remember that all things change.
It may not be what we want,
But it's what we have at the moment.
We can use what the Buddha called Dhamma Vikaaya,
Or the quality of inquiry into the mind.
What's going on in there?
We can start by just noting what's coming up.
Resistance.
Judgment.
Ambivalence.
Complaining.
Confusion.
Defensiveness.
Embarrassment.
Intolerance.
Rebelliousness.
We can note it for as long as it continues,
Whether that's five or five hundred times.
The simple act of noticing our sensations,
Thoughts,
And feelings take away some of their power.
Stuffing down feelings is like trying to push down a beach ball under water.
The harder we push,
The more resistance we feel.
Just acknowledging that right now it's like this relieves some of that pressure.
We can bring our gentle curiosity to the situation.
What brought on this aversion?
Do we always feel averse to this situation?
Are we blaming others?
What are we trying to control?
What lies beneath this aversion,
And can we be with that?
We can bring the spirit of equanimity to our minds.
We can remind ourselves that everyone has situations or mind states that are unpleasant at times,
And they pass.
We can try to hold our aversion with some semblance of peace,
The way a parent gently holds a tantruming child,
Knowing that sooner or later they will come.
Lastly,
We can hold ourselves with some compassion.
Aversion is a deeply rooted response in the brain to keep us safe.
The modern world can trigger this response even when we are safe.
We can thank our brains for trying to protect us.
We can acknowledge that this is a moment of discomfort or unpleasantness.
We can be curious where we felt it in our bodies,
And how it feels.
Is it tightness?
Throbbing?
Heat?
Or numbness?
Whatever the sensation,
We can take a deep breath and know that it will pass just as waves in the ocean rise and ebb.
So the next time the toddler in your head has a throw-down,
See if you can be the parent who just holds the space during all the thrashing and drama.
It's what parents do because they love their children.
It's what we can do because we love ourselves.
I appreciate that you took the time to listen.
If you like,
You can follow me on Insight Timer and then you'll be notified when I post meditations and talks.
You can also check out my blog on my website at www.
Metamettamindfulness.
Com.
Thanks again for listening.
