Why Worrying Feels Like Safety (But Isn’t)

We often mistake worrying for safety - as though our constant thinking, rehashing plans, trying to control how everyone sees us is somehow keeping us safe. We confuse correlation with causation — and the price we pay is stress, tension, and restlessness.

This is where the practice of faith comes in. To pull our attention away from what we think is keeping us safe and come into the present moment doesn't feel rational or logical. Faith is what helps us take that leap - using our practices to safely bring us back to the present moment where we are safe. Ensuring our internal conditions match our external conditions.

Transcript

There is a man that walks into a psychiatrist's office,

His first time seeing the psychiatrist.

And as they're talking,

Getting acquainted,

Every few minutes the man snaps his fingers.

And after a while of this happening,

The psychiatrist says to him,

He says,

So what's up with the snapping of your fingers?

And the man says,

Oh,

It's to keep the elephants away.

And the psychiatrist says,

But there are no elephants in Manhattan.

And the man goes,

Yeah,

It really works,

Doesn't it?

So we laugh at this because it is so ridiculous to think that snapping your fingers is keeping the elephants out of Manhattan.

And yet we do our own version of snapping our fingers.

Every time we're getting lost in the thinking of constantly planning of,

You know,

We get one plan done,

And then we're going over it again,

Or we're going on to the next plan,

The constant worrying about all the things that could go wrong,

Or the constant controlling of how others see us or how others are perceiving us.

And in a way,

We kind of think at the end of the day,

I did all this thinking,

I did all this controlling in my mind,

All this thinking,

And I'm still here.

So it must be working.

So it's just the same as the man in the psychiatrist's office,

We're confusing correlation for causation.

And for us,

Unfortunately,

There is a huge price that we pay for this relentless,

Endless thinking,

The anxiety and the stress and the tension,

And the restlessness and the discontentment.

And yet we kind of think to ourselves,

But I'm still here.

So it's still it must be doing something.

And I do think if we look at this through an evolutionary lens,

Thinking evolved as a survival advantage for humans,

We're not particularly strong,

We don't have claws,

We don't have venom,

We're not particularly fast in the wild.

Our survival advantage was thinking of being able to simulate the future of all of the different ways that we can get food,

To get shelter,

To be safe.

And even a small amount of that thinking would have also been thinking about how are we doing in the tribe?

Where are our alliances?

Is there harmony in the tribe?

It would have been a very,

Very tiny amount though,

Because there would have been such a focus,

Such a group focus on survival.

And yet today,

In our modern world,

Where many of us,

Not all of us by any stretch of the imagined,

Not all of us,

But many of us,

If you have the time to be on a Dharma talk on Sunday,

Many of you coming back week after week,

So you have this time to come and be on a Dharma talk,

You most likely are surviving.

You have food in the fridge,

You have shelter,

You have internet access,

You have maybe a little bit of money in the bank,

You have clothing,

You have safety.

And you've probably proven your ability to continue surviving,

To continue to have an income,

To have a job,

To get along with others.

And so arguably,

We could say the body,

The organism is safe.

And yet,

It's the image of me that feels like it's in danger.

So each time that we're snapping our fingers,

Habitually going up and thinking about the thought created me,

We are imagining that we're keeping away rejection and blame and criticism and uncertainty and failure.

But in fact,

What we're doing is creating a sense of separation,

A sense of isolation,

A sense of not belonging,

A sense of unworthiness,

A sense of danger.

I mean,

Just think about when we walk away from a conversation,

And that temptation is so strong to want to go up and replay the conversation in our head.

Right?

We're thinking,

What did I,

How did the conversation go?

Did I look okay?

Did I sound okay?

Was I smart?

Did I seem compassionate enough?

Did I seem kind enough?

Right?

And in this lens,

The way that we're,

We're reviewing the conversation,

We will find something wrong.

We will find something that we can latch on to and we think,

Oh my God,

I can't believe I said that.

Oh my God,

They must think I'm such an idiot.

I forgot to ask them about something that was going on with them.

I forgot to acknowledge something.

I,

I said something and maybe that,

Maybe that was misperceived.

And we could spend all afternoon,

We can spend hours feeling unsafe,

Feeling like we don't belong,

Feeling like we've been threatened and only to maybe get a text from the person a couple hours later.

And they say,

Wow,

It was great running into you.

Great conversation.

We should do that again.

And in that moment we think,

Oh,

Phew.

Oh,

Thank goodness.

I'm okay.

And we,

We,

We do recognize like all that thinking wasn't helpful,

But we still feel like in some way,

Maybe it did something.

And so we have this dilemma where we are tired of the suffering.

We are tired of,

Of the worrying,

Of the doubt,

Of the self-judgment.

We are so tired of it.

And we,

We come across for many of us,

We come across a spiritual path and we hear the teachings and we hear intellectually how this is all happening.

And we realize,

Well,

That experience that's being described is exactly my experience.

I get it.

But in that moment of fear,

In that moment of doubt,

In that moment of feeling like I don't belong,

Our habit is to go right back up into the thinking.

It's this,

This strange loop that,

That which is making us anxious is what we keep going back to for safety.

And so I think which,

What is important for us to recognize on the spiritual path is that an intellectual understanding of this path can only take us so far.

Because in the moment of our fear,

In the moment of our feeling,

I said the wrong thing,

I did something stupid,

I don't belong,

Like that's not reasonable.

It's,

It's,

You know,

We are perfectly safe.

And yet in our minds,

We don't feel safe.

The thought created me doesn't feel safe.

So at that point,

Reason and logic aren't going to make a lot of difference to us.

This is where we need that leap of faith,

Where we're,

We're willing to,

To let go of what we think is safety,

To come into the present moment,

Where we don't really know where we're going to land.

But we've had enough of the teachings,

We've had enough of the intellectual understanding,

We've had enough of the practices to be able to say,

Okay,

Now it's that leap of faith.

To start to have more faith,

More trust in the present moment,

Than in the story of me that is never going to find safety.

It's,

It's like in the,

The hero's journey that Joseph Campbell,

The,

The late professor of mythology,

Where he would describe this arc where the hero,

They get the call,

And then they meet the teacher and they go through all the lessons and they get the new skill set.

But then there is a point,

And he uses the metaphor,

Where you have to then leave all that behind and you've got to walk into the forest on your own.

And it's dark and it's scary.

And yet that's where the wisdom,

The real wisdom and the compassion comes from.

Not from an intellectual understanding,

Not from reading about it,

Not from hearing about it,

But from actually walking in when you don't really know what you're going to find.

But you know that this is part of the path.

It's like in Star Wars,

When Luke Skywalker is,

Is flying his fighter plane down that trench,

And he's got one shot to destroy the Death Star.

And,

And he's fiddling with all the devices to be able to try and get the shot like,

You know,

Right in there.

And then the voice of Obi Wan Kenobi comes in and he says,

Luke,

Use the force.

And he's sitting there and he's having that moment where he's like,

Oh,

I so want to use all these little devices to really help me get it in there.

But I also know this is the point where I have to let all of that stuff go.

It doesn't seem rational,

It doesn't seem logical.

And this is the point where we are all on the edge of our seats.

Will he do it?

Will he surrender?

Will he have faith in the force?

And he does when he he moves the eye,

You know,

The he takes all the equipment away.

And everyone starts cheering because they realize like,

This is what faith looks like.

He did all the preparation.

And then it was time to have faith.

And so it doesn't always come in these big grand moments,

We do have to remember that the stories,

All the mythological stories,

The all of the the movies that depict the hero's journey,

The Matrix,

The Star Wars,

The Wizard of Oz,

All of these movies,

Like they do pick,

They do depict something quite exciting,

Kind of these big grand moments where these moments of faith are.

I mean,

It's not terribly exciting if we're,

Michelle,

We're,

We're watching you doing the dishes,

Or it's the end of the day.

And it's like,

Oh,

Will she sit and relax?

Or will she want to go and review the day?

You know,

It's not very exciting.

It doesn't really,

No one's going to pay a lot of money to go and see them.

But it is those little day to day moments.

Those are the moments when we need the faith.

When we are walking away from a conversation,

And that temptation is so strong to want to replay it,

And to want to find something wrong,

And to recognize what's happening.

And maybe it's just to breathe mindfully in that moment,

To bring yourself back into the body,

Feeling that craving of wanting to go,

Oh,

Let me see if I'm unsafe.

And having faith that you're okay.

Breathing mindfully,

Looking around,

Hearing the sounds.

So now your inner conditions matching your outer conditions of safety.

Or if it's you're,

You're reaching for the phone.

And,

And so often,

When we're reaching for the phone,

It is,

There's something I don't feel good,

I don't feel right,

We're lost in our thoughts,

I need something to add on to this moment,

I need some validation,

Right?

There's a lot of thinking validation in the phone,

If I get an email,

If I got a text,

If I got something on social media,

Or if I just got some,

Some news,

Some,

Some news that could,

Could make me feel more,

More important,

Right?

And of course,

We know every time we reach for the phone,

It doesn't bring us any of those things at all,

It brings us more separation,

More disconnection.

So in that moment of reaching for the phone,

An innocuous little moment,

A mundane moment,

But we have faith,

And we recognize it's faith to not reach for the phone,

You maybe have it in your hand,

And you set it down.

And again,

You just take a mindful breath,

And you breathe.

And you feel all that grasping that was there a moment ago,

And you stay with it.

And as you stay with it,

The present moment,

You're realizing you're here,

You're safe,

You're okay.

You're hearing the sounds,

You're looking around,

You're feeling your body,

You're feeling the breath.

And now you feel okay,

Again,

You feel safe.

Or in those moments when we have disappointment,

When something didn't go the way we were expecting it to go.

And maybe there's a setback in some way.

And we,

That,

That disappointment,

We know how the,

The,

The thought created me wants to extrapolate that out into some type of catastrophe.

Oh,

They didn't,

They didn't praise me.

In fact,

Not only did they not praise me,

They criticized me.

Or that didn't,

I didn't get the deal that I thought I was going to get,

Or the client that I thought I was going to get,

Or I didn't,

Just something broke,

And I wasn't expecting that,

Right?

And instead of getting lost in all that,

And making it appear as though we're in danger in some way,

And we come in and we feel it,

Right?

Feel the,

Feel the punch of disappointment.

It's,

It takes about 60 to 90 seconds for our neurochemistry to level back out again.

It's a drop in dopamine.

If something happened that we weren't expecting,

And it's a punch.

It takes 60 to 90 seconds.

So we breathe and we feel it.

And maybe we use a little self compassion,

And we go,

Sweetheart,

That was tough.

Yeah,

That hurt.

Yeah,

It's okay.

Right?

And so we're staying with what's here.

We're staying here where we're safe.

But it's faith,

Because the disappointment,

The thought created me so wants to build some story,

Some meaning into this,

And,

And now this is going to be a nightmare for me.

But we're safe.

We're okay.

Everyone's going to experience disappointment.

You know,

Every day,

Maybe little bits of disappointment here or there,

Or every few days.

Of course,

Disappointment is a part of life.

But we want to make sure that our inner conditions are matching the outer conditions that we are safe.

And so we are using our practices.

Of course,

We're using our practices.

We're using self compassion.

We're using mindful breathing.

We're using mindfulness to be discerning of maybe a disappointment,

It was a very big disappointment,

And you lost a very big client,

And this is going to really affect your income.

Something happened,

Or you made a really big mistake,

And this is really going to affect your bonus coming up or,

Or that promotion that you were looking for.

And this is where mindfulness is so important,

Because,

Again,

It's bringing us into what's happening here,

Right,

Recognizing,

Disappointment's here,

And it's a big one.

Okay,

We're not just saying,

Oh,

Just everything's going to be okay,

I'm just going to live in the present moment.

And I just know that everything's going to just work out on its own.

Sometimes,

There's something to do.

Not very often,

I would say 95% of the time,

There is nothing to do.

Because we're just spinning our wheels,

Nothing's happening.

We're just creating scenarios where we're unsafe,

And where we need to try and fix things and try and control things,

And nothing is really happening at all.

But yeah,

Every now and then,

There's something that needs to be done.

So this isn't about fantasy thinking.

Oh,

It's just all going to work out.

Okay.

Right.

Even though again,

Most of the time it does.

But yeah,

So mindfulness,

Recognizing what's here.

Okay,

Disappointment's here.

Okay,

Disappointment,

Let me feel what's here.

Right,

Just that,

Again,

Naming it,

Dialing down the fear centers in our brain.

Right.

So now we're able to be with what's here,

We're feeling,

We're breathing into it,

We're creating space.

We're here in the present moment with what's going on.

And it does start to dial down a lot of the tension,

A lot of the stress,

A lot of the fear.

So we're able to be here with it.

Okay,

So what's going on here?

Is there something to do?

Is there something useful here that needs to be done?

What do you need disappointment?

You can talk to it.

What do you need?

What's going on?

You know,

Maybe it was just some criticism,

The disappointment of getting criticized.

It's like,

Oh,

You just need some space.

Okay.

Yeah,

It's okay.

You need a little compassion,

A little care.

No problem.

I've got all that here for you.

Or maybe it is something like,

No,

I do need to do something.

I do need to contact someone.

I need to have a meeting.

I need to work on some report or something like,

Okay,

Fine.

But let's just stay here for a few moments.

Let's just breathe,

Just kind of bring ourselves,

Bring down the fear,

Bring down that intensity,

Because there's no immediate danger right now.

We're safe.

There's something that needs to be done.

And the more that we can act in the present moment,

Still act for something that's a longer term event,

But we do it,

We act more wisely,

We act more skillfully.

But in every one of these situations,

The thought created me is so believable in that moment that we're in danger,

That we're unsafe.

And so if we can even just have faith in our practices,

To help guide us into the present moment,

To use the gifts of these beautiful practices that we have,

That just because even in that moment,

It's like,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

I can't let go.

I can't let go.

It's like,

Don't try and use reason at this point.

It's just faith.

Surrender to what's here.

Surrender to using the practices and seeing where this takes you.

But it's generally not in these big,

Grand events,

Which is what we tend to think of this,

All this work that we're going to do is just for this one big event,

And then it's all going to,

The separate self,

It's just going to all be exposed,

And it's all going to fall away.

It's generally,

For most of us,

Just a day-to-day event,

Just all those little moments.

It's so compelling.

We want to go up into the thoughts.

We so want to go up there and try and keep ourselves safe.

And we recognize the faith.

Yeah,

I'm getting ready for work.

Right?

We're getting ready for work.

And you can see how the thoughts are already trying to plan out the whole day.

And just in that moment,

Faith,

Faith,

I can get ready for work.

And I won't forget how to get to work.

And I won't forget that there's a meeting at nine.

And I won't forget that there's a report that's due at noon.

Or I won't forget these things.

Faith,

In the present moment,

I can still keep going,

But I don't have to keep trying to control and plan everything,

Endlessly planning everything.

Right?

Or if you have kids,

And there's a lot of chaos sometimes in the morning,

Right?

And so desperately you want to go up into the thought created me,

This is a nightmare.

How can this be happening?

This can't keep happening.

I can't keep going like this.

And instead,

You have faith,

And you go,

Chaos is happening.

Chaos is happening.

Okay,

Let's just surrender to the chaos.

And you ride the chaos because you know it's not going to be,

It's not always going to be like this.

But it doesn't feel reasonable.

It doesn't feel logical in that moment.

The going to our thoughts,

The safety feels more reasonable.

It's not,

But it feels more reasonable.

And this is why I think the word faith truly describes what's needed at this time,

At this moment,

Because we literally are leaping away from what we think is safety,

Even though it's not.

That's what we believe in that moment.

And we are leaping off into the present moment that we don't really know if we're going to be okay or not.

But we do this again and again and again.

And what we find then,

Is at the end of the day,

Right?

And now we can be reflecting in a way that's wise and go,

I didn't snap all day,

Didn't snap my fingers,

Therefore I didn't snap either,

Right?

I didn't try and control how everyone was perceiving me.

I didn't have to rehearse every conversation I was going to have.

I didn't have to replay every conversation that was just had.

I still had challenges and things that went a little bit wrong,

But I dealt with them in the present moment.

And you know what?

It was a great day.

It was a great day.

I felt at ease.

I felt peaceful.

I felt great.

And maybe,

You know,

So you don't get too attached to that,

Right?

Because maybe you realize that,

Okay,

Now,

And it is the end of the day.

And it's time to relax.

And maybe you're there with your family,

Your kids,

Your pets,

Or you're just there on your own.

And you're like,

And this too,

Right here now too.

Yeah.

Let go of the grasping at this,

Right?

Oh,

And if I can do this again,

10 more days in a row.

Yep.

You had the evidence.

You had the evidence.

You didn't fall apart.

And now also just here in this moment.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is okay.

Yeah.

I can enjoy this moment.

I can relax and,

And,

And be here and appreciate the good conditions that I have.

Ensuring that my,

My inner conditions are matching my outer conditions of safety.

You see,

The snapping wasn't making you safe.

All the endless thinking wasn't making you safe.

It was the cause of all the suffering,

Of all the anxiety,

Of all the stress.

But in that moment,

In that moment,

It doesn't seem reasonable.

It doesn't seem logical.

And I just found in my own path,

It's just been faith.

Faith in that moment,

Just in that moment.

And you see,

You didn't fall apart.

In fact,

You started floating with,

Or flowing with life.

Realizing that all this was happening with or without my input.

So maybe I can stop fighting all this and start enjoying the life that's here,

The good conditions that I have.

And to just keep practicing and to remember again and again.

The faith isn't found in reading the texts.

It's not found in the Dharma talks.

This is where,

This is,

This is,

These are the pointers.

This is what's guiding you.

This is what's kind of intellectually giving you enough confidence to keep going with this.

But then it's,

You got to drop all this.

Drop that this is going to be a smooth,

Easy transition.

The fear is so strong.

The grasping is so strong.

It's faith that,

That we let go.

We don't know what's,

What we're going to find in the present moment.

That every time we do that,

We start to have more verified faith.

Yeah,

I was okay.

And we just keep doing it again and again and again.

Faith in this moment.

Faith in the practices.

Faith in surrendering.

There's a point when we've got to let go of all of the intellectual understanding and put this to the test.

And it won't feel easy in that moment.

But it will over time,

Because you'll see that each time you were okay,

It will get easier.

It will get easier.

And so it is,

It is also just really about the practice itself.

To not keep this as an intellectual exercise,

But to make sure that we're really putting the practice in,

Bringing the faith in where we need to breathe mindfully in that moment,

Bring in self-compassion,

Bring in mindfulness,

Bring in self-inquiry,

And see that again and again,

Oh,

The body was actually fine the whole time.

I was just trying to prop up this thought created me.

The thought created me,

Never going to feel safe,

Never going to feel satisfied,

Never going to get enough praise.

It's never going to get enough acknowledgement.

It's nature is lack.

And our nature,

Our true nature is peace,

Wholeness,

Contentment.

And we so want to believe that.

But it's faith that's going to show it to you that it's true.

Faith in the present moment,

In the little moments.

In just the little moments.

Okay.

I think,

Yes,

I think that's it for the Dharma talk.

So,

Oh good,

Ruth,

I'm glad that you,

Yeah,

It's,

It's not,

Faith isn't something we talk about much in Buddhism,

In Eastern religions.

In fact,

I think a lot of,

A lot of people in particular come to a path like Buddhism because they think,

Oh,

There's,

You know,

It's,

It's such a reasonable,

It's such a logical path.

And it is a very reasonable and it is a very logical path.

But without faith,

We'll never let go of what it is that we,

What we think is keeping us safe.

It doesn't make sense.

It doesn't make sense.

In that moment,

It doesn't make sense.

It makes sense here.

But in that moment,

It doesn't make sense.

Oh,

Hannah,

I'm so glad that this is what you needed to hear this morning.

And Firefly,

And good to see you.

I'm so glad.

And I just want to go back to,

Um,

Hang on,

Sandy.

So you were saying,

Sandy,

Surviving,

But am I thriving?

Right.

I mean,

It's survival at what cost,

Right?

I mean,

Think about every time we get stressed and anxious.

I mean,

Just the little things.

We're doing the dishes and we,

And we want to get over there.

We want to get to the next thing.

Oh,

I've got to go faster.

I've got to go faster.

And then we get over to the next thing.

It's like,

Oh no,

I got to get on to the next thing.

There's always this constant state of anxiety.

And even if it's just a low level anxiety,

Fear,

Stress,

What that's doing is,

Is,

Uh,

From a health standpoint,

Killing us.

I mean,

More people are dying from paper tigers,

The paper tigers that we create in our head than the real tigers.

I mean,

Heart disease,

The number one killer in the West,

Right?

Because every time we get stressed,

Every time we get stressed because it's this massive shift of resources to get us hyper focused on the threat,

To deal with the potential threat,

To give us a great deal of energy and,

And,

Uh,

You know,

To be able to run away from the threat,

To be able to fight the threat.

So it's kind of giving us this for a few moments,

We can be really fast.

We can be really strong.

So it's this massive allocation of resources.

So while all these things are being ramped up,

Other things are being ramped down.

Prefrontal cortex,

Our ability to think rationally,

Solve complex problems,

Willpower,

Pay attention,

Uh,

Um,

Manage our emotions,

Our working memory.

We know like,

Just take working memory,

Take working memory and will.

Every time we get stressed,

Imagine someone telling you,

I've got to,

Um,

You've got to memorize this phone number right now,

Or you've got to tell me,

You're just trying to learn something new when you're stressed.

You just can't do it because your working memory's shot,

Right?

Or,

Or willpower that we start out the day with the best intentions.

I'm going to be healthy today.

I'm going to eat well.

And then as the stress builds up throughout the day,

Then all of a sudden we find ourselves at the donut shop again,

Because we were counting on willpower and we weren't factoring in the fact that we were going to get stressed.

And so first of all,

Our prefrontal cortex goes offline.

And this was meant to be a quick thing to go on off.

You got away from the tiger or you didn't.

But because we stay in this chronic state of stress,

Because the thoughts keep,

They keep flooding.

It's like one scary thought attracts a thousand more scary thoughts.

We're also,

Uh,

Fraying the neural connections here.

So it is actually damaging our brain.

And then our immune system gets shut down because initially we were less likely to die from an infection.

Initially,

We were more likely to die from bleeding to death.

So every time we get stressed,

We also release sticky blood platelets in case we get a wound.

And this is what's causing so much heart disease.

And then our reproductive system gets shut down and our digestive system,

Right?

No sense thinking about sex,

No sense trying to digest lunch,

Like you're about to be killed,

Right?

And so it really does play havoc on our body.

It's not good for us.

So no,

We're not thriving by this.

And in fact,

The World Health Organization has said,

I think by,

I can't remember what year by,

Not too far off into the future,

But that every illness that we're facing,

We'll have some reference to stress having started it.

So it's definitely having a physiologically,

It's having a negative effect on our health.

It's having a negative effect on our mental health,

On our wellbeing.

When,

When we're safe,

When we have enough,

And yet spending all this time in our minds thinking,

I don't have enough.

I need more.

I need more.

I need to get more safe.

If we can't feel safe when we actually have real safety,

How is getting more safe?

How can we get more safety?

You're either safe or you're not safe.

I mean,

This is,

You know,

People that just keep amassing and amassing bigger and bigger fortunes beyond what you need for survival,

Or even beyond what you need for just extra comfort,

Or just to make sure you never really have to be concerned about money.

It's never enough.

The thought created me will never find satisfaction.

It will never find it.

And so it's,

It's the recognizing that and the,

And,

And again,

Just kind of using this analogy of the snapping fingers to realize that's what I'm doing.

I think I'm keeping away rejection and blame and uncertainty and danger,

But actually that's what I'm creating in my head.

And often we're creating that in our heads.

And so we're so lost in the thinking that we're,

We're,

We're maybe missing something that we should be paying attention to.

Because yes,

There are things still to pay attention to,

Even though we've survived.

For not all,

Not all.

I absolutely understand there are many people in the world that are living in under very,

Very difficult conditions,

War,

Famine,

Just financial insecurity.

Like,

Absolutely.

There's a lot of people in the world.

But if those aren't your conditions and you really are okay,

Then shouldn't we enjoy those good conditions?

Shouldn't we start to trust that?

Have faith in it?

I mean,

It's,

It's,

We worry ourselves to death about things that aren't going to happen.

That's not a way to go through life.

And we know this.

It's why we're here.

You wouldn't be here.

I wouldn't have started on this path either if it wasn't for that,

Like the endless thinking and the worrying and the doubting myself and that bad,

You know,

The unworthy image that I held of myself.

And what's everyone always thinking about me,

Right?

It's what starts us on this path.

And,

And it's just,

It's recognizing that,

I mean,

Sometimes we're going to appear to some people in ways that we may not like.

I can't control that.

And I can't make my happiness dependent upon that.

Of course,

If I've insulted someone,

If I've,

If I've said something that was really inappropriate,

Of course,

We go back and apologize.

But we don't make,

We don't get lost in this image of,

Oh no,

No,

What does this mean?

This is danger because it's not danger.

It's not danger.

We can't control how others think,

See us,

How,

What they think of us.

There's always going to be situations where,

Where some of our relationships are closer than others.

Maybe there's someone there's a little bit of a disagreement with.

There's going to be maybe a health diagnosis that's kind of out there uncertain a little bit.

You know,

Maybe a big bill coming in.

We're not quite sure what it's going to be.

And,

And we do seem to kind of think,

Well,

I need to wait for all of these things to be in order.

I need to have all these ducks in a row and then I'll have faith.

Well,

That's not faith.

That's saying I need everything to be in order,

Right?

And,

And yet,

And yet when we have,

So when we have the good conditions,

When we do actually have those good conditions,

Right?

And then we go,

Oh yes,

I'm present and great,

Be present.

But I think there's a little bit too much of thinking,

Well,

Because all my conditions are good,

Because now the moment I have a disappointment,

The moment someone disagrees with me,

The moment I think I've appeared in some way stupid or said something incorrect,

You know,

Then I'm right back up there again.

So it's not that we're,

We're basing this on good conditions because sometimes we have good conditions.

Sometimes we have more uncertain conditions.

I mean,

The reality is it's always uncertain,

But we can also extrapolate out a certain amount of security that many of us have indeed had and will most likely continue.

And even if it doesn't,

Even if it doesn't,

The fretting wasn't going to change that.

Enjoy the good conditions now.

Enjoy them now.

And then whatever it is that does happen,

And we all do experience things,

We experience loss,

We experience setbacks,

We experience failure,

Like we all still experience these things.

So that,

That doesn't change.

It's just that when they happen,

You handle it so much better.

And you don't make this a,

Oh my God,

I knew this was going to happen.

This is the end of the world.

It's like,

Okay,

All right,

This is happening.

Okay.

Use your practice.

Be,

This is not about skipping over feeling.

It's not about skipping over our feelings ever.

Breathe and be with what's here.

Oh,

A little bit of uncertainty here.

A little bit of fear here.

Okay.

Okay,

Fear,

You're here.

Breathe,

Feel with,

Feel it,

Uh,

Open to it.

All right.

Allow yourself to be with what's happening so that you can then investigate in a way to see like,

Does something need to be done?

A lot of times too,

A lot of our problems,

Often like something happens and it's just time is needed.

There's really nothing we can do in a lot of situations.

Like the car is broken down and it's the weekend and,

And you,

You won't know what's wrong with the car until Monday,

Until you can get into the mechanic.

But all weekend we can drive ourselves crazy.

Oh my God,

What does this mean?

What does this mean?

This is going to be,

Um,

Uh,

You know,

The car is going to be a $10,

000 bill and I don't have the money.

And we go through,

You know,

We imagine that we're already homeless,

Right?

This is where the thought created me just jumps to right away.

I'm going to be homeless.

And it's just always crying wolf.

It's always catastrophizing.

What's happening?

It's not keeping us safe.

It's not keeping us safe.

So we're not waiting for all the conditions to be good.

We can't wait for that.

Um,

It's just in the moment,

Whatever it is that's happening,

Be with it,

Feel it,

Use mindfulness,

Use self-compassion,

Right?

Use self-inquiry,

Not as a way to then go,

Oh,

There's no one here,

No one here.

So don't need to do anything,

Right?

That's the ego.

That's the ego again.

It's okay.

There's no one that this is happening to,

But this is what's arising.

And there's an action that needs to take place and you do it.

There's a handling of what's,

What's going on more appropriate to the situation and,

And just more skillfully,

Just more skillfully.

Because here up in the thought created me in the endless thinking,

Fear and desire are the two forces that are uh,

Propelling are,

Are keeping the movement going fear and desire.

And so we get so caught up in that fear and desire and the grasping and the clinging of it and the aversion.

And we think,

Oh no,

No,

No,

That's all keeping me safe.

And if I,

If I let go of that,

Well,

I'm just going to be a big jellyfish blob.

I'm not going to be able to think anymore.

I'm not going to be able to plan anymore.

I'm not going to be able to make decisions anymore.

And it's like,

No,

All of those things still happen,

Happening not to anyone,

Anything still happening.

It's just that you're being guided now through wisdom and compassion instead of grasping and clinging and aversion.

I mean,

Which one would we rather have guiding our lives,

Right?

Which life coach are you going to go to?

The one that says,

Come see me,

Come see me.

I'm going to put everything through the,

The lens of fear and greed,

And let's see how your life looks.

Or the wise person that's saying,

No,

Let's use wisdom and compassion.

Who are you going to go to?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

We'll go back to some questions here.

Hi,

Monica.

Good to see you.

Good to see you.

Let me just move this.

Oh,

Thank you,

Alice,

For responding to doing.

Thank you for that.

And Lori,

I'm going to come back to your question.

I'm going to go back a little bit here.

Oh,

To Alice.

Here we are again.

So you like the snapping of the fingers.

You're separate.

Me has you convinced that worrying is what's keeping you safe.

When I stop worrying,

That bad thing will happen.

I'm doing better.

Yeah.

Good.

Good.

And again,

Sometimes it's just these little analogies,

These little jokes that they frame the whole Dharma talk and it just brings a little bit more awareness to it.

And,

And again,

The more awareness we bring,

I mean,

We're always dealing with the same thing,

But I'm always trying to come in with a little bit of a different angle for you to see it,

Because then you get to practice and work with it in that way.

And that,

That is where the wisdom comes from.

Right.

And then when you're,

When you're practicing and on your own.

Oh,

Stephanie.

So you're asking what took me to move to Mexico?

Uh,

I'm pretty,

You're pretty close to leaving the U.

S.

It wasn't a,

Uh,

It wasn't a,

Uh,

Like,

Oh,

I'm leaving the U.

S.

In fact,

So originally,

Originally,

And this was in 2013,

When I moved to the monastery in Northern California,

I mean,

I thought I was going to be a nun.

I thought I was going to be a Buddhist nun.

And that was going to be the rest of my life.

And then when I didn't ordain,

But I'd wrapped up my life.

So I'd wrapped everything.

I'd left my job.

I'd left my boyfriend.

I left my house.

I'd left everything.

I was like,

I'd wrapped everything else up.

I was so convinced that this is what I was going to do.

And my ultimate,

What I wanted,

I mean,

I didn't want to live a householder's life anymore.

And,

You know,

Really wanting to live my life dedicated,

You know,

At that time,

I would have said it as dedicated to my spiritual path.

And there was,

And I'm just going to bring this up real quick,

Because there was faith.

When people do ask me about that,

I mean,

And I was,

When I was first going to the monastery,

I mean,

I was in tears,

Because there's one thing to say you're going to do it.

I'm like,

Oh,

My God,

I'm really doing this.

I mean,

I was terrified,

Terrified,

Thinking you're really leaving,

You're really doing this.

And then when I left the monastery,

I'm like,

What am I going to do now?

And,

And,

You know,

There was some fear,

There was some fear in there about it.

But I was like,

I'm not going back.

I'm not going back to a householder's life.

I'm just,

I'm not doing that.

I'm going to follow this.

I had faith.

I had such faith that this path would guide me.

And it has.

And so,

So I was originally,

I had bought an RV,

Because I was trying to do this as cheaply as possible.

And I thought,

Okay,

Well,

I'll buy an RV.

And that way,

I'm,

I'm,

Again,

I'm kind of moving around.

And,

And I started,

I was really camping a lot,

Not always,

But a lot in kite surfing locations,

I kite surf.

And,

And because they were the cheapest to camp at.

So down here in Mexico,

It was very cheap to camp.

And at this other place,

I would go to a northern California called Sherman Island,

It was like,

It was like a quarter of what you would pay at a regular national park.

So I was like,

Okay,

So I'll do this at kite surfing,

I'll just kind of go back and forth.

And,

And then there were times I'd go off for a little bit in between the seasons on my own.

And,

And then I was down here in Mexico.

And oh,

And then it was in fact,

In fact,

It was COVID.

So one of my friends said to me,

Do you want to use my house?

I'm not going to come down.

This was in 2020.

And I was like,

Yeah,

Great.

So,

So it all just kind of unfolded.

I was down here.

And then I thought,

The internet was all of a sudden really good down here.

It hadn't been good before.

And I was doing most of my stuff online.

And I thought,

Wow,

I could still teach online here.

And,

And I thought,

Wow,

I could buy land and build a house still pretty cheap here.

And my monthly costs are hardly anything,

Because I'm fully on solar,

I'm off grid.

And,

And it all just kind of unfolded.

It wasn't like some,

I've got to get out of the States.

And what I would caution,

So I'm sorry,

Stephanie,

If I went off in a little bit of a tangent on that.

But but the reason that I did go off on that tangent is that I wanted to say when people ask me about that,

I can just tell you it was faith.

I wouldn't have said it at the time,

There's no way 12 years ago,

I would have said it was faith.

That was not a word I was familiar with,

Or that even I had a great deal of aversion for that word.

But I,

I,

I think it was maybe five or six years ago where I started talking about this and going,

Yeah,

It's just been faith.

It's been faith.

So not to so what I would caution,

Stephanie here,

Is not to like when people say,

I got to leave the States,

I got to leave the States.

It's a nightmare.

It's a horrible place.

If you're leaving from fear,

And you're genuinely not being persecuted in this moment,

That fear is going to stay with you.

Now,

Don't get me wrong,

Stephanie,

I know the things that are going on in the States are,

I mean,

It's unbelievable.

It is unbelievable,

The stuff that's happening there.

So what I would suggest is that you sit with those feelings of wanting to leave the States.

If it's the fear,

If it's the anger,

If it's the uncertainty,

And I would suggest sitting with that as part of your practice,

Having faith that you're okay in this moment,

That you're okay in this moment.

So staying with that,

And then investigating about the move so that you're not doing it out of a place of fear,

If you're genuinely not being threatened in this moment.

Because I do know,

In fact,

There's people that have left the States already and have said they've regretted it,

Because they did it based on fear.

I mean,

If you're in an environment where it's not safe,

And maybe you're not even being physically threatened,

But the views that you have are very different maybe from the people around you,

And it no longer feels balanced and in harmony anymore.

Again,

I wouldn't want to be leaving in a way,

But I'm out of here,

I'm done with all you people.

But more in a way of just,

Yeah,

This doesn't feel good anymore.

I think it makes sense to move somewhere else,

And maybe you have the resources to do it.

But to make sure that you're okay in this moment,

Because we have this tendency to,

If we're operating,

If we're reacting in fear,

And there really is no immediate danger,

We tend to make short-term actions that have longer-term consequences that we might come to regret.

So I'm not saying that it might not be the right thing for you to leave,

But even like,

And Julie's down here in Baja as well,

I mean,

I see people that move down here,

In fact,

Just remember this,

I see people that move down here like,

Oh,

I had to get out of the States,

It was such a nightmare.

And all they do is then walk around talking about what a terrible place the States is,

And then mostly also complain about things down here.

You'll find them going,

Oh,

They'll play music too loudly,

Or they'll do this,

And try to bring US Western norms to a little tiny village in Mexico,

And not accept like that you're a visitor here,

And to,

You know,

We need to meld into their culture,

Not the other way around.

So yeah,

We've just got to be very careful about that,

About if you want to move,

You know,

That's okay,

But I wouldn't want to be doing it from this place of fear,

This,

You know,

Just be okay in this moment,

Because you're safe.

If you're here on this call,

Stephanie,

You're safe right now,

Right?

But then to be able to keep bringing yourself here and to say like,

But you know what,

I think there might be some time for change,

Right?

You're saying you've been thinking about it for some time,

You taught in California,

Spent a summer on a bus with nuns going up the coast,

Hitting all the missions,

Also spent some time in Mexico.

Yeah,

And so yeah,

You know,

Maybe decide,

You know what,

I'll come down to Mexico for three or four months and see how it goes.

Yeah,

Because it's okay,

We're not,

I'm not suggesting in any way that we don't do things or that we don't have actions.

But it is this thing about moving out of fear that I think has the potential to not really bring us what we want.

So I hope that helps,

Stephanie,

I hope so.

Okay,

Let me go back here a little further.

So Hanna,

You're saying you're in a constant state of hyper awareness,

Living in a small van in severe weather and feel stressed.

So in severe weather,

Where are you?

Where are you in the world?

I'm just curious.

For the severe weather.

And living in a small van,

And again,

I know just kind of,

You know,

I was living in my RV for quite a while,

There are different concerns that definitely do come up with that.

And when the weather is not severe,

Because I'm assuming it's not 24 seven,

Are you okay and at ease?

And are you doing the things that you need to do in order to keep the van as safe as it can be?

Like you can do what you can do.

And then if your conditions are that you do have to live in the van,

And you're okay,

And you've been maybe living in it for a while,

And yet all this fear hasn't really brought you safety,

There might be a point where you say,

Okay,

Okay,

You know,

Living in a van,

It's a little less secure than a house.

But I mean,

Anything can happen to any one of us,

An earthquake can happen,

We have lots of little earthquakes down here.

So you know,

Anything can happen at any moment.

And,

And yet to not be spend all our time fretting about it,

Like get earthquake insurance,

If that makes you feel more comfortable,

Make sure the house is secure,

If the van,

If you feel unsecure,

In some ways leaks in the in the windows or safety,

Someone getting in putting a firmer lock on the door,

I mean,

Do what you can do.

And then it's faith,

Because you have been okay.

And again,

You also have the conditions where you're on a call right now.

So you must be safe in this moment.

There's no way you're unsafe in this moment and giving your attention to a Dharma talk.

There's no way.

So just recognizing when you're in the van,

And that thoughts coming up,

The thought created me that feels unsafe in the van.

And oh,

Here it is,

Here's the fear,

Feel it,

Be with it.

It's okay to feel it.

It's okay to be with this.

You can have a little self compassion or sweetheart,

This is a little tough.

Yeah,

It's a little scary.

Yeah,

It's okay.

Let's be with it.

So that you can also investigate to say,

Like,

Am I safe right now?

I am safe right now.

What is it that I really need right now?

Do I just need a little space to be with the fear?

Do I need to do anything?

Have I done everything?

You know,

To be with what's here.

We have this habit of carrying a dark cloud around with us wherever we go,

As though it's always about to break out into a storm.

And yet,

Most of the time,

It's not.

And even though we might be in precarious conditions,

A lot of the times,

We're okay.

A lot of the times,

We're okay.

So matching the internal conditions with the external conditions.

I'm good to see you,

Monica.

Have a wonderful day.

Yeah,

So Stephanie,

Great.

Yeah,

Just that's exactly it.

Not just thinking,

Yeah,

Don't just think,

Oh,

It's going to be so much better.

Because with everything,

There's ups and downs,

With everything,

There's ups and downs.

Living in Mexico has its ups,

It also has its downs,

Right?

Living in the States has its ups,

It also has its downs.

Yeah,

So just being realistic.

There's that story I like to tell of the man that's been traveling for days,

And he's got all of his belongings on his back.

And he's kind of coming around this mountain,

And he sees this sheepherder,

And he sees this village down below.

And then he sees the sheepherder,

And he says to the sheepherder,

You know,

Hello,

I'm considering moving into a new town.

I've been traveling for days.

Tell me,

What are the people like in that town below?

And the sheepherder says to him,

He goes,

Well,

Tell me,

He's like,

What were the people like that you just left?

He's like,

Oh,

They were horrible people.

They were greedy,

And they were spiteful,

And they were vengeful,

And they were just awful,

Horrible people.

And the sheepherder goes,

Oh,

I'm so sorry,

I think you're going to find they're the exact same there.

You might as well go and find another village.

And then another traveler comes along a few days later and sees the village,

And he sees the sheepherder,

And he says,

Tell me,

Tell me,

Kind sir,

He's like,

Can you tell me what the people are like in the village here?

I'm looking for a new place to live.

And the sheepherder goes,

Well,

Tell me,

What are the people like where you came from?

And he said,

Oh,

They were wonderful people.

They were so kind.

They were so considerate.

They were so compassionate and generous.

It was really unfortunate,

The conditions that I had to leave.

They were just wonderful.

And the sheepherder says,

Oh,

I think you'll find that the people in the village here are just the same.

They were wonderful.

So very much,

We reflect.

We will see the negative.

We won't see the positive.

And a lot of times,

Yeah,

It's just how we're seeing the world,

How we're seeing the world.

So we want to make sure if we're moving,

It's because,

Yeah,

I think the conditions,

It feels right.

It feels time for a change that maybe financially,

Economically,

It makes sense.

For your community,

It makes sense,

Meaning maybe there's more of a community where you're going to.

And so,

Yeah,

But you go with this idea of like,

Well,

Let's see.

Yeah,

Things have been,

Things are pretty good here.

And if so,

Then you're going to find usually pretty similar conditions.

Yeah.

So Amy,

What you're saying in Texas,

You don't really watch the news,

But from what you see in your day-to-day life,

Everything is okay.

Yeah.

Yeah,

We get to,

We can,

I mean,

In fact,

Just watching the news,

It's so not natural for us to see so much news from around the world.

And so much now,

And again,

There's horrible things happening.

There are horrible things happening in the world.

But it's not natural for us to know what's happening in every corner of the world.

And then also just so much of the news is gotcha news.

I find the US news is so much,

Oh,

Look at this person did a gaffe here.

This is how stupid this person sounded here.

Look,

They'll say,

This journalist was owned by some politician or vice versa or something.

And it's just,

It's just rage baiting.

It's just getting people worked up.

And then people are feeling like,

Oh,

My God,

The world's coming to an end.

And I'm not,

Again,

I'm not trying to minimize that there are definitely some awful things that are happening in the US.

There definitely are.

I'm not minimizing that.

But I think it can start to become so distorted in our minds.

And while I do like to stay informed to some degree,

To kind of know what's going on,

Not on the rage baiting thing,

I don't really care who got owned,

Who did the gaffe,

Doesn't really matter.

Because you know what,

We all got honed occasionally,

We all get the gaffe occasionally,

I'm not going to impugn someone else for something that's going to happen here as well.

Like,

I just find that's really,

It's just gossip.

It's just gossip,

Judging and gossip and not,

Not what I want to get engaged in.

So I think there's a balance between kind of knowing what's going on,

If there's something that you can do,

Of course,

You know,

We,

If there is something for us to do,

Of course,

If we can do it,

Like absolutely,

But not to extrapolate that out into our day to day life when it's not happening here.

It's not happening here.

Okay,

I'll just go back because I think there were a couple other Oh,

So Hannah,

Okay,

Sorry,

So back and I didn't see your next one.

Another few hours of severe winds,

Maybe six.

Okay,

So you're in the midst of severe winds right now at this moment.

Okay.

Yeah,

So just one minute at a time,

One moment at a time.

Stay with what's here,

Just do your best to stay with what's here,

Right?

And have compassion for self-compassion.

This is tough.

This is hard,

Right?

Be with the fear.

If the fear is here,

Again,

I'm not saying to distract yourself from the fear,

Fear is here,

Be with the fear.

Right?

And then in the fear,

In being with the fear,

And you're feeling the winds,

And I have had that as well in the RV where it is a little,

That is scary,

I totally give you that.

But you're just here with what's here,

You're with the fear,

You feel,

You hear the winds.

And you can just even have those,

There's a little more space to be with what's here,

So you don't have to wring yourself out completely.

So at the end of six hours,

It's like,

Oh my God,

I'm,

You know,

I barely survived it.

It's like,

But you did,

You actually weren't in danger at all.

Instead,

Use this as your practice,

Right?

Be with the fear,

Be with what's happening,

And notice just if there's a little bit of space in there,

So you're not getting wrung every few moments.

And by meaning wrung,

Like the tension,

The anxiety,

The stress getting,

As though you're already imagining the van getting rolled over.

It's like staying with what's here.

Because even with what's here,

Then there might be some wisdom to say like,

Hey,

This isn't safe to be here.

Maybe I do need to get out.

Or maybe,

You know,

It's,

Maybe it is too late,

I need to put some pillows around,

I need to make sure everything's buckled down.

So maybe I do need to do some things.

So this gets you focused on what you can do.

But also to stay in the present moment,

Stay with the fear,

Stay with the fear.

And if there's something to do,

Then that will guide you.

The fear itself,

If it becomes,

If we're so lost in it,

And the thought created me fear,

Often it can be very paralyzing.

And then we're not doing the things that we need to be doing to stay safe.

Okay,

So just do your best,

Hannah,

Just do your best.

Be kind to yourself,

Have compassion.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay,

Laurie.

So asking about feeling guilty.

You have four older brothers.

They are retired.

And two of them care for their wives.

You're still working,

But feel guilty for not contacting them enough,

For visiting them enough.

So you know what the,

You know,

It's guilt that's getting your attention up there.

Be with the guilt.

Be with the feeling of guilt.

Okay,

Guilt,

You're here.

It's okay to feel guilt.

It's okay to come into the body and feel the guilt.

Okay,

Guilt,

You're here.

It's okay.

It's okay.

I really do find the sweetest way that you can talk to your feelings.

Guilt,

It's okay.

It's okay,

My dear.

You're here.

Let me give you some space.

I know.

I know what's going on,

Guilt.

You're here.

It's okay.

I'm going to give you some room to exist.

And as you breathe and you feel it,

You can talk to the guilt and even say,

What is it that you need,

Guilt?

What is it that you need?

What's going on here?

Now,

You might find that it says,

I need a little compassion because I'm not working,

Or excuse me,

I am working and I don't have a lot of time here.

Oh,

You need some compassion,

Guilt.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Let me give you some compassion.

You're doing your best.

You're doing your best,

Right?

And right there,

You can even just feel some of the heaviness go away from the guilt and giving yourself some space,

Giving yourself some kindness,

Giving yourself some compassion.

I think you need some compassion for yourself.

The guilt is not,

Guilt is really just anger towards ourselves.

And so it's coming in and just softening around that,

Right?

You're doing the best you can.

But often the guilt,

The heaviness of the guilt also is such a heavy weight that we don't have any capacity left to do anything else.

But you address the guilt and you bring compassion and kindness to it,

Right?

And then the guilt itself,

Feels heard.

It got your attention.

It's wanted your attention.

But now you're bringing your attention in a way that's kind and compassionate.

You're here with it.

You're listening to it.

Yeah,

You want some compassion,

Guilt.

I get it.

Yep.

You've got my compassion.

I care about you,

Guilt.

You're doing your best.

You are doing your best.

It's okay.

And again,

When I'm doing this with my hand,

I'm imagining like that breathing in,

You're giving it space,

You're exhaling,

You're softening around it.

It's like this kind of embrace that you've got the guilt in,

With just compassion and kindness and saying,

It's okay that you're here,

Guilt.

It's okay to exist.

It's okay that you feel this.

It's okay.

And you might find behind the guilt then is that a little,

Well,

There's a little bit of fear in there about how they're perceiving me then.

Oh,

Oh,

Is that your fear of how you're being perceived?

Come here,

My love.

Come here.

I've got space for you too.

I can hold you here too.

Yeah,

I know.

I know that's scary,

But it's okay.

It's okay.

Right?

And so you talk to it in a way that acknowledges it.

You're not pushing it away.

You're not distracting yourself from it.

You're really being with what's here with such compassion,

Such wisdom,

Such kindness.

And from there,

The wisdom and compassion guides you.

Right?

That if it's just,

Yeah,

It's just,

You're doing your best.

And maybe it's just in that moment,

All you just needed was some kindness and compassion for yourself.

But maybe by having that guilt released and now it wouldn't be an act based on guilt.

It might be an act based on compassion that you just send them an email altogether.

And you just say,

I'm so sorry that I haven't had much time to reach out to you guys.

Just want you to know that I'm always thinking of you.

I'm always sending love.

Right?

And it's not from a guilt like,

And I hope they forgive me.

And I hope they tell me I'm okay.

It's just,

I just wanted to send that maybe,

Right?

But coming from a place of compassion and wisdom.

Okay,

Lori,

I hope that helps.

I hope that helps.

Compassion for yourself first.

Oh,

And Julie,

You were saying the same thing moving to Baja was complete faith.

Yeah.

I mean,

It does have,

Especially when you moved here 27 years ago.

Yeah,

You would have had to have a lot of faith.

Oh,

Philippa,

So you're asking why didn't I ordain in the end?

The monastery where I went to,

And I'll try and say this in a way,

And I never say the actual monastery because I don't want to disparage anything,

But there were a lot of challenges in that monastery.

It was a new monastery to start with,

Which was a few years old,

Very rustic,

And that was all fine.

That was all fine.

But in the Theravadan tradition of Buddhism,

There are not a lot of training monastic monasteries for women.

There's not a lot around.

I mean,

The tradition virtually died out and has just been for women,

For women.

And there were just a lot of challenges at the monastery that I felt weren't conducive to the practice.

I mean,

As the young,

As the person on the lowest person on the totem pole,

So I was the monastic aspirant.

Everyone has kind of their,

There's a hierarchy.

And so if you go there with the idea of ordaining,

You're called a monastic aspirant.

And in the Theravadan tradition,

Full nuns,

Even novice nuns,

I think novice nuns too,

Can't handle money and can't drive.

So I was the only one that could drive and handle money.

And I was just running errands all day long,

Driving places.

I felt like I was doing so much,

I was exhausted.

I really didn't have a lot of time for practice.

And while I don't mind helping,

I have no problem working hard.

But it was also in the context that the nun that was running the place,

Not who was the abbess,

She wasn't around a lot,

She had a lot of health conditions.

But the woman who ended up running the place by default,

I think had a lot of issues.

Because she was very,

You know,

If we were ever laughing,

Myself and say some of the novices and have laughing,

We were kind of trying to make light of some hard work that we were doing,

We would get this disapproving look.

And I mean,

It was just very oppressive.

And when I said when I went to the abbess to say like,

I'm sorry,

I'm leaving,

I'm not going to ordain.

And she said,

Please,

Can you tell me what's going on?

Because we can't keep anyone here what's happening.

And I knew from talking with the other novices,

Because actually,

All of them left in the end.

I just said,

You know,

There's just,

There's not a good balance of work and practice.

And lightheartedness is just not a lot.

So and I knew this,

In fact,

Going to the monastery,

I knew this,

I'd gone there before,

I'd gone to a couple monasteries,

One in Australia,

And one in California.

And I'd gone to the one in Australia first,

And I told them I was going to go to the one in northern California.

And,

And they said,

Oh,

It's going to be tough.

Like they had even warned me,

Like,

It's going to be tough.

And I went there,

And it was really tough.

But I thought,

Oh,

I can use this for my practice,

Like,

Because this is all in my mind,

Like,

I can use this for my practice,

This will be good.

And,

And I would say,

Like,

Yes,

You're definitely tough conditions we can use for our practice.

But there has to be a little bit of balance there.

And there has to be as you know,

There has to be laughter.

I mean,

There has to be laughter.

I mean,

This is we have to be able to laugh at ourselves,

We have to be able to find humor.

I find laughter is the best medicine.

And I think it keeps things like we're not taking things so seriously.

I think if you take things so seriously,

That it's,

It's harmful on the path.

And so but when I left the monastery,

I did not,

The,

The desire for what it was I was trying to do of why I went to the monastery,

Didn't change,

I just thought,

Okay,

Wasn't that that wasn't the way it was going to happen.

So let's see,

Let's,

Let's just figure this out.

And,

And then it just the path,

As I said,

Just kind of,

Okay,

I'll do the RV,

You know,

And okay,

I'll do it this way.

And then I started teaching meditation down here.

In the campground in Mexico,

I started just okay,

I'm going to open up my RV.

And on Sundays,

We're going to do meditation classes.

And then I started doing them online.

And,

And,

You know,

It just kind of unfolded just very naturally,

Because I did still need to make an income,

I,

I wasn't in a position to be fully retired,

I did need an income still,

But not a but I was thinking,

I'll live my life in a way that I don't need a huge income.

But,

But that I'm living true to true to the way that I want to live my life,

And then sharing that and,

And I'm grateful for the way it turned out,

I'm grateful for the way it turned out.

So,

You know,

There's,

There was a lot of faith along the way,

A lot of faith,

A lot of like,

Waking up in the middle of night and thinking,

What are you doing?

You're in your 50s?

I mean,

I'm 60 now,

Like,

If you need to go back and get a real job,

No one's going to hire you.

And,

You know,

And then I would just say,

But no,

I'm just,

I,

I trust this,

I have faith in this,

I have faith in this.

And it has just not let me down,

Just not let me down,

Not in a lavish way by any stretch,

But just to have enough to have enough.

So,

Yeah,

And Julie,

Thank you for the donation.

And Lori,

Thank you so much for the donation.

I do appreciate it,

Because those donations do help so much.

For,

Yeah,

For just,

You know,

As my income.

So thank you.

Thank you.

And I hope that helped,

Philippa.

Thank you.

Oh,

Thanks,

Kathy.

Thank you.

Oh,

And you're benefiting.

Thank you from the choice.

Yeah,

You know,

It's,

It happened the way it was going to happen.

I mean,

And that's what I realized,

Too.

It happened the way it was going to happen.

And,

And I find that too,

And Stephanie,

Just to you,

To your thing as well,

About your decisioning about moving.

Often,

Because the mind does get so fixated on all this is going to be so much better over here,

And how can I do this?

And,

You know,

How can I control this,

This is where we often do make bad choicing,

Because it's very short term based.

But I found that I've just kind of,

Things have just like,

Take yourself out of it,

Meredith,

Just take yourself out of it.

I know that,

Again,

I want this to be in alignment with,

You know,

Again,

I'm going to just kind of say my spiritual path.

And it just,

But take myself out of it.

I don't,

I didn't really know how this was going to look.

That's what I'll say.

I didn't know how this was going to look.

And I still don't know.

But I know that so far,

It's like,

Wow,

Well,

This actually has turned out pretty good.

And,

And not being part of an institution,

I will say has as well.

And I've noticed that too,

Because I've since been back to the monastery in Australia,

Which was a fabulous monastery,

And I loved it.

And I went back a few years ago,

And spent a few weeks there.

And I had a very nice time.

I really enjoyed it.

But I also could see,

I was like,

I'm glad that I didn't get,

I'm glad that I didn't.

How do I put this?

I'm glad that I was able to think critically myself.

And also,

And also glad that I was able to have the fear,

Like not have the support of the monastery,

But just have the fear myself going,

Oh,

My God,

I mean,

Because I'm not denying that the fear came up.

Sometimes I would think,

What are you doing?

This is nuts.

This does not make rational sense whatsoever.

Right?

And it was just,

I'm going to trust it.

I'm going to trust it.

I'm going to have faith in this.

And,

And so that I think in itself was incredibly powerful.

I didn't have the support.

And I just had to have faith in presence and faith in what the Buddha taught.

But it also,

I then didn't get so wound or so dogmatic in Buddhist teachings either,

Because while the Buddha has been,

I,

You know,

I,

I hold myself out as a Buddhist teacher,

Because I'm mostly teaching through the Buddhist lens.

But I have followed other traditions as well,

Advaita Vedanta,

Non-duality.

And,

You know,

It can be coming from A Course in Miracles,

It can be coming from Jesus Christ,

I don't care where the truth is coming from.

And I found that to be incredibly beneficial,

Too,

Because you can get in kind of a group think in any kind of institution.

And,

And it's almost like,

There can just be a,

You just hear everyone saying the same thing.

And you're like,

But is everyone just saying the same thing?

And I'm not saying this is true in every monastery,

By any stretch,

You can just see little pockets of it here and there.

And,

And,

And so yeah,

So I'm just very grateful for the way it's unfolded.

But I did have to take Meredith out of the equation,

You know,

And just say,

Just see,

The path is there.

And that,

That is where,

And I don't consider this to be woo-woo,

I don't consider this to be new agey at all.

It's just that I find that,

You know,

It's like that,

That the path of least resistance,

It's there for everyone.

It's just that we get so in our own heads about it,

And how's it going to be?

And,

And how can I make it work exactly right?

And we get so clingy to it,

That I think we,

Again,

Because we're so lost in the clinging and the desiring and the fear,

That we don't see the path that is naturally unfolding for us.

And so I find that to be incredibly helpful as well.

So Stephanie,

Again,

Just back to your,

Your original question about,

You know,

The moving and,

And,

And how this relates to what I'm sharing about just my own path.

As best you can get out of your head,

Get out of the head,

And just come in and feel what's here.

Use a lot,

If you come in to feel what's here,

The compassion and wisdom is here.

And what you see is that the natural,

The natural step is like,

Oh,

I see what needs to be done.

Yeah.

It's not from clinging,

It's not from grasping,

It's not from I'm going to get anything over there.

There's just a kind of seeing and just one foot in front of the other.

And you're just like,

Wow,

This is much easier to do it this way,

Rather than all the controlling and the planning and all of that.

So,

Yeah.

Yeah,

So I found a real benefit in that as well.

Yeah.

And for all the donations,

Thank you,

Lindsay,

And Tracy,

And Alice,

And Robert,

Thank you so,

So much.

And Lori and Julie,

Thank you guys so,

So much.

And just Robert,

To your point,

Yes,

Compassion for others comes from self-compassion for ourselves.

We need self-compassion.

We need to have compassion for ourselves.

If we can't have compassion for ourselves,

I don't think we can have compassion for other people.

I think it's really hard.

Okay,

I'm just gonna Okay,

So Tracy,

While the news relays on extremes of emotions and clickbait,

Essential to remain informed about events in politics so we can participate in our democracy.

Yeah,

I'd agree with that.

Democracy is not just voting every few years,

But individuals continuing to speak up and taking action when the need arises.

Act local,

Think global and provide mindful wisdom.

I agree completely,

Right?

And so that way too,

Like,

Of course,

We still act,

You know,

We can protest,

We can sign petitions,

We can do things.

But I find also that a lot of the times,

If there's so much anger coming from so much fear,

So much fear coming from what's happening,

That when the actions that are coming out of fear,

Generally create more agitation and don't bring,

Don't resolve situations.

And so I think it's important for us to feel the fear,

Be with the anger,

The resentment,

The uncertainty.

And then as we're acting,

That we're acting more from a place of compassion and wisdom.

I find that if we,

Because this is where it gets to the point where people can't even talk to each other anymore.

And if we can't talk to each other,

Well,

Then where is there for us to go?

And not talk to each other,

You've got to believe what I believe,

But to be able to have compassion and wisdom for people,

Because no one's beliefs are their own.

We are all the result of just trillions of causes and conditions,

And all of our beliefs are the results of those trillions of causes and conditions.

And none of us has a full handle on absolute truth or virtue.

And I think the more that we can have compassion and wisdom and be with what's here,

That then the actions that follow tend to be grounded in a way that helps bring people together to move forward in a way.

And I know this is very idealistic.

It is idealistic.

But I mean,

I know,

I see what the alternative is.

And it's just bringing more separation,

More division,

More anger,

More hatred.

It's not helping anyone.

Yeah,

Michelle,

What you're saying,

Not from a place of judgment.

Exactly.

Exactly.

And Shirley and Lindsay,

Thank you both so much for the donations.

Thank you.

Yeah,

Keep the mind.

Yes,

Stephanie,

As you're saying,

Yeah.

Ziya,

You're a teacher.

I forgot that.

Yeah.

We are evolving because we are not a solid,

Independent thing.

I'm changing moment by moment.

Each of you is changing moment by moment.

And it's all just based on the conditions as they're arising.

Just changing moment by moment that we see ourselves in the thought created me as the solid,

Independent thing,

Anger happening to me,

Outrage happening to me,

Guilt happening to me.

And it's like there's no one,

No solid,

Independent,

Inherently existing thing that this is happening to.

But that's how the separate self,

The thought created me is perceiving it.

And that's why coming into the body,

We're recognizing what's here.

We're not denying feelings.

We're not denying feelings.

We're being with them.

Right?

And then there's just this thing that,

Yeah,

Anger is arising.

It's not happening to me.

I'm not angry,

But anger is arising based on the conditions.

But the moment I'm angry,

And now I'm threatened,

And I have,

And again,

When I put my hand up here,

The thought created me is threatened.

And now I need to figure out a solution.

I'm going to move.

I'm going to go and write a nasty,

Horrible sign that anyone that supports this person is the worst person in the world,

Right?

Because all of our actions then start to get very motivated out of that fear and anger and feeling threatened.

And we can feel like at the end of the day,

Just unbelievably threatened and exhausted when it's like,

Okay,

Anger was arising,

Something happened that you thought was,

You took in the information,

The separate self started interpreting it as about me,

And then you came in and you felt it,

And you were like,

Okay,

There's a feeling here.

And now through compassion for my anger,

Compassion for my judgment,

Right?

Maybe there was judgment,

Probably was judgment there,

There was judgment there,

Right,

For having anger towards someone.

And then we have compassion for ourselves,

And we pet ourselves in a way that's very kind and caring and compassionate.

And then through that self-compassion for ourselves,

And Robert,

As you were saying so wisely,

We have the compassion for ourselves,

Then we can start to have compassion for others.

Yeah,

I don't have to agree with them,

But I don't have to judge them either.

And if I feel compelled now to do something because I have the resources to do it,

I have the time to go and do something,

But I'm going to do it in a way that bridges connection and communication,

Not separates.

And I just,

I really do believe,

And again,

I know it's idealistic,

But I think if more people were,

If actions were,

More actions coming out of compassion and wisdom,

I don't think we would have as many problems as we seem to have from like,

Say,

A political policy perspective.

I mean,

Just think of the separation of the inequality,

Right?

I think,

You know,

If there were more compassion,

I think more billionaires might,

You know,

Think,

You know,

A tax hike on us is probably a good idea,

Probably good for the world,

Probably good for everyone.

And I think they would be happier as well.

I think they would be happier as well.

And compassion,

Sometimes we think compassion is very like,

You know,

People can see compassion or kindness as a weak quality.

I would suggest that if it's rooted in wisdom and true compassion is rooted in wisdom,

True kindness should be rooted in wisdom.

There's also a recognizing when some fierceness is needed,

Right?

If a kid is about to be hit by a car,

Right,

You're screaming at them to get the heck out of the way or grabbing them really fiercely,

Right?

Yeah.

So,

And in many situations,

Even I remember Sharon Salzberg talked about this when she was in Delhi,

And she was visiting her teacher Deepamal.

And she lived in kind of not a great,

I think,

Not such a great part of Delhi.

And someone had stolen her handbag.

So,

Of course,

Sharon Salzberg,

As some of you may know of her,

The queen of loving kindness,

And so she's telling Deepamal,

She's like,

You know,

What could I have done?

Like,

He stole my handbag.

Like,

Aren't we practicing compassion?

She's like,

Very compassionately pull out your umbrella and start hitting them.

Like,

Don't use this practice as an excuse to not act appropriately.

But afterwards,

Again,

The compassion comes in again afterwards when you walk away from the situation.

And you're not,

Oh,

How dare this person do this to me?

And that was such a nightmare.

And I'm never going to feel safe there again,

Right?

Because now we're trying to,

You know,

It's like you weren't safe a few moments ago.

They took what they needed,

Or they took,

You know,

And obviously you are safe now,

Because now the situation is over,

Allowing you this time to think about this,

Right?

That's where,

Again,

Then now the compassion comes and go,

Wow,

That was scary.

That was tough.

We might need to consider not coming here in the evening.

Might need to consider having a person accompany me.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Have compassion.

It hurt.

It was scary.

But it's over.

But it's over.

And so compassion can be fierce.

It can be very fierce sometimes.

Yeah.

Padmasambhava,

Padmasambhava,

His life story.

A lot of fierce compassion.

Yeah.

Michelle,

I'm with you on Sharon.

She's so wonderful.

Yeah.

Thank you,

Leslie.

Thank you.

Okay.

So I think we have,

I think we have,

And the great master who hit a student with a shoe.

I mean,

Yeah,

A lot of Zen,

A lot of Zen is pretty fierce.

But I think there's also great compassion for the students.

And there's an interesting story,

And I've heard this through Paul Hederman,

Where he talked about a group of students that were with Ramana Maharshi,

And,

Or they'd been studying with Ramana Maharshi.

They'd been at the ashram in Tiruvannamalai for quite some time.

And he walked in and he overheard them talking about whether they should be teaching themselves or not.

And so they asked him,

They're like,

What do you think?

Should we go out and be teaching this as well?

And he's like,

Well,

You could.

He said,

But I wouldn't recommend you do that.

And they said,

Why?

Why would you not recommend that then?

If you think we're capable,

Why would you not recommend that?

And he said,

Because of compassion.

And they were like,

What,

Because of a lack of compassion?

He's like,

No.

He said,

Too much compassion,

You're going to dilute the message.

You're going to dilute the message out of compassion.

And I do see that as a real challenge in a lot of spirituality today as well,

Where it does start to get diluted down.

We're not getting to the heart of what it is that we're doing here.

And I think that we want to make sure that our compassion is rooted in wisdom.

Sometimes you have to hear something you don't want to hear.

And so,

Yeah,

We have to be,

We want to make sure our compassion,

Our kindness,

Even our gratitude,

That it is rooted in wisdom.

Yeah,

I mean,

Karma,

I will give you that.

If excessive compassion was a problem in the world,

Yeah.

And that's definitely not the problem.

Yeah,

I agree with you,

Though.

It's not the problem.

Yeah.

We could definitely err on the greater side of compassion.

I will give you that for sure.

Yeah.

Okay.

So,

I think we will bring us to an end here.

And thank you,

Everyone.

Thank you for the donations,

And the great questions,

And the comments.

Thank you all so much.

And I will see all of you next Sunday.

So,

Thanks,

You guys.

Reviews

Loved this Dharma talk…. thank you Meredith🙏💕

This was a marvelous Live. I enjoyed listening to it again. Your live today 11/9/25 I attended but had so many distractions, I will be looking forward to the recording! 🙏🏼💖🤗

Helpful, practical, grounding. Thank you. 🙏🏼