Why Do We Feel Like We Don't Belong?

Everybody feels like they don't belong sometimes. This feels awful as though we aren't enough, we're different and something is wrong with us. You aren't alone in feeling this way, it's rampant throughout our society. And while we try to address the problem rarely do we get to the root of the real problem - which is what we address in this class. It is my wish for you to know the truth that you have always belonged.

Transcript

At the end of last week's class,

After we had done the loving kindness meditation,

Someone had stayed after class and shared with me a really meaningful experience they had during the meditation.

That when I said the words,

May you feel like you belong,

She broke down in tears.

And they weren't necessarily tears of sadness or even tears of joy,

But tears that awakened something inside of her because she knew this is what she needed to feel.

The sense of belonging.

And I think for so many of us,

This is what we need to feel,

That we belong.

And we don't feel like we belong.

And I know that the pandemic definitely exacerbated things through being in lockdown,

Not being able to leave our homes,

Go to social gatherings,

Go to the office.

It definitely exacerbated things.

Or I should say,

It brought a greater spotlight to this problem.

Because this problem has been going on for a long time.

And it's really the result of the values of our society.

This is what happens in a highly competitive society that focuses on the individual.

It breeds a constant comparing within us,

Where we're always looking at everyone else to see how they're doing and always feeling like we're coming up short.

Look at them over there getting that award and look at that person getting a promotion and this person's got a new house and they're getting married and they're getting kids and they're going on a holiday.

And we always feel like we're not enough because of this constant comparing.

We feel like we're different,

That we don't belong.

And I think because we don't say these words very often to each other,

We'll say things like,

I'm stressed,

I'm worried,

I'm upset,

I'm overwhelmed,

I'm angry.

But rarely do we ever say the words,

I don't feel like I'm enough.

I don't feel like I belong.

And because we're not hearing anyone else saying these words,

We feel even worse because we feel like we're the only ones experiencing it.

And while there are definitely things we can be doing to improve our situation,

For sure talking about it more,

Sharing that really heartfelt feeling,

That deep feeling of saying like I don't feel like I'm enough sometimes.

I don't feel like I belong sometimes.

I think that's helpful for us to share that,

To know that more people are experiencing this.

And I think definitely to be doing things like connecting out in the real world,

Going to the gym,

Going to the yoga studio,

Going to the beach,

To the park,

The library,

The cafe,

And joining some groups,

Participating in group activities,

I think that's really helpful.

But it doesn't get to the core problem because no matter how gregarious you are,

No matter how many things you belong to that you're a member of,

You too experience this occasionally.

Because whenever these feelings of not feeling like we're enough,

Of feeling different,

Of feeling like we don't belong every time they arise,

Alongside of them is arising our ego.

Or put another way,

Every time our ego arises,

This is how we feel because the ego always brings with it a feeling of lack,

Of fear,

Of separateness,

Of being disconnected,

Of being small,

Of being afraid,

Of not feeling like we're enough,

Of not feeling like we belong.

But we never get to the core.

We're so focused on,

I'm upset because of what that person is getting over there.

I'm upset because I made a mistake,

I screwed up in some way.

I'm upset because I feel like that person doesn't really like me over there.

And in our upsetness,

The ego keeps our attention focused on the story that's looking outwards.

These are all the reasons I'm upset and I got to try and come up with a solution.

And as long as I'm looking out there and thinking I'm upset because of what that person's getting,

We'll never get to the solution.

So we want to get our attention focused on where is the real problem here?

Why do I feel like I don't belong?

Why do I feel like I'm not enough?

It's not really because of what all these people are getting.

It's not because that person doesn't like you or because you screwed up.

It's because when the ego arises,

It splits us into two.

That whenever we have thoughts about me,

What's going to happen to me?

What do they think about me?

What do I think about me?

Oh,

I can't believe I did that.

I'm such an idiot.

Whenever we have these thoughts,

That's how the ego arises and it separates us into two.

It disconnects us from who we really are,

From our true nature.

Spirit,

Soul,

Universal consciousness,

The absolute God,

Whatever you want to call it.

It's all the same thing.

It separates us from ourselves.

This is where the feeling of disconnection,

Of separation comes from.

This is where that existential angst is coming from,

That we have separated from ourselves.

The problem isn't what's going on out there.

That just triggered it.

That triggered the ego.

Then we felt the sense of separation.

We stay focused on the story looking outwards,

Imagining we can solve the problem.

The problem is here,

That we've separated from ourselves.

If we hope to get back to that sense of feeling connected,

Of feeling like we belong,

Of feeling like we're enough,

Then we have to learn to abandon the story that the ego is telling about where our problem really lies.

To know that our problem is the ego,

We have to let the story go.

We have to abandon the ego.

I know this is really scary for a lot of people because we think we are the ego.

Yet what you'll notice is that your ego only arises through particular types of thoughts.

Thoughts about me,

What's going to happen to me.

Even when we're thinking,

What are they doing over there?

How does that affect me?

We wouldn't be questioning it if we didn't think it was going to affect me somehow.

Someone disagreeing with me.

You would think,

How does that affect me?

It does.

I must be right.

Whenever we're thinking about ourselves in that way,

The ego arises.

When those thoughts go away,

So does the ego.

You're still here.

The only difference is that you felt a sense of lack and fear of being different,

Separate,

Not being enough,

Not feeling like you belong.

Then the thoughts went away and so did that sense of not belonging.

All of a sudden,

You feel fine.

There's no sense of feeling different.

There's no sense of I'm not enough because those feelings only arise with the thoughts that create the ego.

Our job is not to kill the ego,

To destroy the ego.

You can't.

The ego doesn't exist.

It only arises and passes away through particular types of thoughts.

The ego is not 100% bad either.

It's not the villain.

We have just let it take over.

Every now and then,

It actually has something useful to say.

But because it's always screaming and always getting our attention,

It's really difficult for us to even be discerning to know if there's something useful in there for us to hear.

Our job is not to kill the ego.

It's not to destroy the ego.

It's to stop identifying with the ego as who we are.

It's to recognize the ego is the problem when it's overtaking us.

The ego is the problem when we're telling ourselves a story that our problem is out there.

The ego will always point our attention out there as the problem.

It's why we never get to the source of the problem.

We never get to that true feeling of being complete,

Of feeling whole,

Of feeling like we belong because it's always pointing our attention outwards.

So to help pull us out of the story of the ego and thereby abandoning the ego,

Not having it take control over us,

We need to bring more awareness to it.

It can't live in awareness and we need to bring more love to it.

It can't live in love.

It's fear.

So I want to go over three practices that really do help get to the core of the problem of why we feel like we don't belong.

Doing something that is really rooting out the problem.

So the first practice is a self-compassion practice and it's learning to talk kindly to ourselves,

To bring kind,

Loving words when we're feeling stressed,

When we're feeling worried,

When we're feeling as though we're getting passed over for a promotion or someone doesn't like us,

We were rejected,

We made a mistake.

Then instead to really come in with some kind words,

Acknowledging how we're really feeling,

Always tracing it back.

Yeah,

I know I feel upset right now.

It feels like jealousy,

Feels like envy,

Feels like,

Probably does feel at that point like I'm not enough.

It's probably not a big stretch to get there,

But that's where we want to get to.

What is the core feeling?

I don't feel like I'm enough.

I don't feel like I belong.

So we can say to ourselves very sweetly,

Sweetheart,

You belong.

You can't not belong.

You're a part of this.

And when we pet ourselves,

It's also a really comforting thing.

Like the higher you up,

You go,

Oh,

Sweetheart,

You belong.

You belong.

You are enough.

You are more than enough.

Sweetheart,

You're doing your best.

You're okay.

And really acknowledging that sense of wanting to be held again,

Just like a child that you're trying to comfort a five year old child that feels excluded,

That they were picked last for the soccer team.

And you would say to them,

Oh,

Sweetheart,

It's okay.

You are more than enough.

I know this hurts,

But it will pass.

And you are more than enough.

You are more than okay.

You are loved.

You are safe.

And when we talk to ourselves in the second and the third person,

It's more effective.

And in the face of these words,

Which sounds so simple,

They're so powerful.

This once which we thought was the powerful ego filled with fear crumbles under the weight of kindness,

Of care,

Of love.

So come up with some words that are comforting or phrases,

Sentences that help you.

Another,

Another nice phrase is,

Just like me,

Millions of people feel like they're not enough right now.

I'm just in that alone.

You feel like,

Yeah,

Millions of people are having this experience.

I'm not alone.

I am a part of something.

And it really pulls the thread out of the story for the ego,

That we're separate.

We're different.

We're not enough.

And that's what we're trying to do,

Get to the source of the problem.

And that will work a lot of the times.

And sometimes you might want to work with it on a different level.

The energy is really,

Really strong inside the coiling up that comes from the ego because it's fear.

We're defensive.

We're trying to get small and limited,

Right?

That's why we feel this way,

Because that's also what's happening inside.

And in that way,

To breathe deep breaths,

10 big deep breaths,

Giving space for that energy to open up.

So on each breath,

Really welcoming the energy that is already here,

Creating the space for it to be here.

It's all right.

It's here.

And on each exhale,

Whatever of that energy is ready to be released,

Let it go.

But on each inhale,

You're here.

It's okay.

Here's the space for you to be here.

And then you feel it going on the exhale.

Ten breaths,

Really working with this on an energetic level,

Trying to pull apart the coiling to release some of the tension.

And by doing this,

By bringing your attention onto the energy,

Your attention is no longer on the thoughts.

So in that way,

You're also breaking the ego,

The cycle of the ego,

Because you're not telling yourself the story.

You're now focused just on the energy.

And sure,

It's uncomfortable.

Don't become less uncomfortable as you keep breathing and creating space.

And it'll bring you back into the present moment,

Take you out of that trance that you were lost in the story of where you felt like you weren't enough and you didn't belong.

And every time you do this,

Along with the self compassion,

The talking kindly,

What you will start to become more convinced of,

This ego isn't real.

It arises through these kinds of thoughts and then it passes away.

It's not real.

And you'll stop or your identifying with it will become less and less and less.

And the third practice is really the most powerful.

Look for the ego.

Look for it.

Who is it that feels like they don't belong?

Look in your body.

Where is it?

Is it in your head,

In your chest,

In your shoulders?

And really look for it.

Because it feels like there's this little homunculus inside of us,

Someone pulling the levers.

It feels like there's a real little person,

A separate little person in there.

Look for it.

Who is it that feels like they don't belong?

What is it that feels like it doesn't belong?

And in looking for it,

By bringing your attention,

Trying to find it,

Trying to find this localized little me inside of you,

What you will find is there is nothing there.

And what happens when we do that is that the mind then drops out after looking and looking,

Scanning from top to bottom.

And you don't have to force this to happen.

It happens naturally.

There is a sudden insight,

A realization of it not existing.

And in that moment,

There is a.

.

.

In the realization of the ego not existing and the mind dropping out,

There is a falling back or a knowing of your true nature.

All of a sudden the jig is up,

The curtain's been pulled back.

And this happens automatically.

The awareness that you are,

The absolute,

The universal consciousness,

Soul,

Spirit,

God,

Whatever you want to call it,

It's there.

You're it.

You can't not experience it.

And you feel that sense of all the borders and the smallness and the limitations of the ego evaporate.

And there's the sense of openness and no borders anymore,

No separation.

A feeling of being totally complete,

Of being whole,

Of feeling connected,

Of belonging.

And it may not stay for very long.

Depends maybe.

.

.

It depends on how far along you are in your practice,

How stable this might be for you.

And that's okay if it falls out of it and then the ego comes back.

Look again.

Who is it that's suffering?

Who is it that's upset?

Who is it that feels slighted?

Who is it that feels the sense of like.

.

.

Keep doing it.

Keep going through the process.

Look for the one that's upset.

You won't find it,

But you will find your true nature,

Who you really are.

And that is where that sense of belonging comes from,

That sense of being enough.

That's what you want to feel.

So let's get to the core of the problem.

I'm not suggesting there's not things we can do in the external environment to make our situation better.

Of course there are.

And we should do those things.

But let's get to the core of wanting that sense of belonging,

Of knowing who we really are.

That's what you really want.

So do the practices.

Keep doing them.

Identify less with your ego.

And know more.

Your true nature.

And you will always feel like you belong.

That you're enough when you are resting as your true nature.

Feeling that sense of love and connection and wholeness and completeness.

That we also desperately want to feel and we keep looking for in our external conditions.

Now we're looking for it in the right place.

Thank you.

Namaste.

Reviews

Really good insights. If this was a course with a class chat, there are questions to things I’d like to know more about.

This talk about why we feel we don’t belong was an interesting perspective. Thank you, very helpful. I also like to come at this realization by asking who am I really? I am Awareness, that has always been here, un touched, unaffected by circumstances etc. but I really like your practice of looking for the ego. Amazing! 🙏🏼 Thank you, Meredith. ❤️

An excellent teaching and vital to understand. Feeling like I don’t belong has been a long-standing experience for me and one that I have felt in particular this past year so I began the new year creating a soul collage on my feelings of disconnect. Having studied A Course in Miracles for many years I knew it was the ego self that was holding me in fear, and that in truth, I could never disconnect. However, the ego can be relentless, so it was really good to hear it spoken about by you in this talk, with directives towards self comfort. Hugging myself with gentleness is paramount to helping me feel better and connect to myself where, in truth, the disconnection lies.
Blessings 🙏💕

Thank you for helping me understand how my ego is operating. My ego also likes to look at other peoples behavior and interpret it, usually in a very negative way of what it says about me. When 99% of the time it has nothing to do with me. I will listen to this talk at least one more time. A lot of good stuff.. 🙏♥️✨🙏♥️✨🙏♥️✨🙏♥️✨ also this talk started with a high-pitched bell. Please consider a lower toned Bell for people like me with a noise sensitivity… Hyperacusis/tinnitus

Oh my. I need this on repeat. I am aware that I am constantly at the mercy of the ego but just didn't know what to do. Difficult childhood has left me without an understanding/knowing that I am enough and without tools to use when I feel overwhelmed with anger, sadness and loneliness in spite of having new loving family around me. Thank you, I am deeply grateful 🙏

In my next life, I hope to have a mother that will teach me this in the same compassionate and loving way it was presented today. 🙏❤️

I realize this is how I am feeling & your words are so powerful & helpful. Thank you.

Thank you💕 🙏 💕
I always come back to this talk when I’m feeling like I don’t belong and it always bring me back home to my true self …Thank you Meredith 🫶