Weekly Sangha: Setting Intentions, Ego, Boundaries

From our Weekly Sangha meeting on Insight Timer (3/12/24) where we discuss getting the right order for our intentions, and how having that order helps us flow more easily and enjoy the adventure of life. And also more ego and a little on boundaries.

Transcript

I thought I would share something.

I was just doing a retreat on the new moon so we did last night and this morning on intention setting and and so all of you or most of you know that have done been meditating with me for a while I always ask this question what it is that's most important to us?

It's the most important question in the world.

If we don't know the answer to it we're not likely to move closer to it.

In fact just the opposite we're more likely to get distracted.

Distracted by the world,

Distracted because other people are just pulling us in different directions and and if we're not clear on the direction then it's just so easy to get lost.

And so I ask this question of us almost every meditation and and it's to keep the intention close in your mind and and the second question also about what things you can be doing and not to worry about if you're not ready to give up something or you're not ready to start doing more of something but just identifying it because we're planting seeds every time we do this and I think sometimes when we get around intention setting we get so rigid and grasp at them and I've got to do this differently and we try and use willpower which is a very fleeting I mean if we just look at it from a biological perspective the willpower in our prefrontal cortex it's so fleeting it's so fragile it's a terrible way to make change it'll last until about six o'clock and then you'll be in the kitchen grabbing the donuts or something um so uh you know by by asking this question by continuously asking the question by continuously looking at our lives being honest with ourselves right we're not having to tell anyone the answers but being honest with ourselves about the way that we're spending our time and and what things are taking us further away from what we must want what things are bringing us closer and with that awareness you you you will find just one day you're you're reaching for your phone and you think no I'm not going to reach for my phone I can feel that little need that little itch for something outside of me and I'm just it's coming now through wisdom you're putting it down for the right reasons not gritting your teeth not white knuckling it like no there's something I want that's more important than this or if you're uh you're getting overwhelmed you're you're socializing a little bit too much there's too much on your plate and that recognition like I'm not feeling good I feel like I'm moving further away and I need to slow down a little bit I need to say no to a few things because by saying no to these things I'm saying yes to what it is that's most important and so by asking this question continuously and not getting attached to to the actual actions of it the your actions naturally will will start to align with your intention they will naturally start aligning and then you're pointed in the right direction and so it's really important that we understand what our highest intention is because sometimes in our intention setting as well we tend to get the order wrong so when I ask the question what is it that's most important and I'm always pointing you inwards an internal intention peace connection love equanimity contentment belonging like something an internal and even when I say love not love depend not like what we would consider romantic love or love dependent upon another person love that universal feeling that we are all connected all of these things really pointing to the same thing and yet of course all of these words inadequate but pointers pointers for us and so I'm always saying like that's the most important but that doesn't mean that we can't have secondary tertiary you know other goals other intentions that we want to experience in the external world that's okay right but the problem is that we tend to put the other the external intentions higher than our internal intentions so we we tend to it might be that you you want to write a book or you you want to get healthy or you you want to travel you want to start a new business you want to learn a new language a new sport a new activity and there's nothing wrong with any of those things but if we were to ask you why do you want to travel to write a book to to become healthy you know why do you want these things the answer would be because you think it's going to give you some sense of fulfillment some sense of peace of contentment of feeling whole and of course none of these things can give you that they're just fleeting experiences that we have and if we think though that they can bring us peace and contentment and love and a sense of belonging and being wholeness the problem is that we will get very disappointed because when it doesn't deliver then we just jump right back on the treadmill looking for the next thing so when we get the order right when we put put peace contentment love equanimity connection when we put that as our primary intention that's our number one intention and we take care of that first all of the other intentions then become more um by putting them in that order and taking the pressure off of them to deliver something to us they become the experiences that they are meant to be if you want to write a book great write a book for the experience of writing a book if you want to travel fantastic travel for the experience of travel not because you think there's a little you that's going to be found in thailand that is going to be happier than the you that is here now that is going to somehow be fulfilled over there if you want to be healthy great be healthy make better food choices workout for the experience of being healthy because these are all all of the external um everything external their experiences their experiences to be had as long as we know what is most important the peace because if we're not taking care of what's most important then we won't even enjoy fully these things we know this right we know this we go and do these things having our intentions in the wrong order getting frustrated being disappointed being irritated but when you take care of the peace and you take the pressure off of all of these external experiences then they just become adventures yeah it's an experience to be had all of our experiences it's all part of the adventure the adventure of leslie of c's of rosa of marie of nancy of kathy of jim it's all part of the adventure and when when we have our priorities in order when we know that our that our primary intention is peace and all of our secondary intentions are on the external the experience the adventure all of our intentions become impersonal non-egoic and when our intentions our desires could even say when they are impersonal we are aligned with the universe because the universe we are a part of the universe we tend to think of ourselves as not part of it but we are every single one of us is is a part of the universe experiencing itself having the adventure and when we understand that that the peace taking us out of the thought created me the egoic the the my personal desires we come into the flow and the peace and the harmony in alignment with the universe the universe that we are we enjoy the adventure we see when the paths are take we're going down one path yay okay maybe another path opens up over here because again when they become non-egoic when they become impersonal intentions our eyes are open our our whole field of vision is so much wider we're using our senses we're seeing what's going on we're not trying to drive something down you know make something happen put a a square and a round hole we're paying attention and we're enjoying the ride and that doesn't mean that of course that we don't experience at some time at some point at times that we don't experience unpleasant things because of course we can't experience the world without contrast up down hot cold pleasant unpleasant comfortable uncomfortable praise criticism gain loss we can't experience the world without contrast but when we're not grasping at some future thing over here externally based externally based my happiness over there when we're not grasping at that when we experience the unpleasant conditions and we know what's most important my peace we don't push back on it because we haven't put all this pressure that my peace my happiness was over there it was never over there it was always right here and these are part of the conditions for how I experienced the world we couldn't experience it any other way and nor would we want to but we have such a hard time trusting this trusting the process we so want to get to just tell me how it's going to end though I can enjoy the ride if you'll tell me that this will all work out I could go and enjoy the movie if I could see the last 10 minutes first if I could read the last few pages of the book then I could enjoy the whole book I mean that's not how we enjoy books it's not how we enjoy movies we want to see the adventure we want to see things happening we want to have a certain amount of challenges it's how we grow it's the unpleasant experience that make the pleasant experiences so pleasant if we only ever experienced pleasant after a while it would just mean nothing it would be so boring we wouldn't enjoy it but it's the trusting the process that we have such a hard time with we just we're so grasping at wanting to know how it's going to turn out and even in that in the grasping at that when we remember what's most important is the peace oh peace oh I'm grasping again oh yeah come back breathe okay take care of this moment if you take care of this moment the minutes the hours the days the weeks the months the years they will all take care of themselves and it all starts with that intention with that intention nurturing the right intention the internal intention and all the other intentions the external intentions they all flow from that primary intention that's what's most important nurturing our seat the right seat of intention nurturing in the right order trusting the process letting go and just take care of this moment the rest will take care of itself everyone says most people say oh I just want to you know I want to flow I want to know that the universe is going to support me and while things are going well you know oh yes yes everything's everything's working out so it must be supported it must be supported but the moment we find a little challenge we go right back to the grasping so we have to be really clear about that we have to be clear about the world that we're living in and I know for some people they think this kind of sounds depressing that that we should experience challenges that we should experience unpleasant moments it's reality it's reality you you would not I mean the joy even just that little joy that comes from you've been on a long flight and your body's all cramped up and just getting up out of the seat walking off the plane right just oh feels so good you wouldn't have had that without the unpleasant we can't have extraordinary moments they would extraordinary would mean nothing without ordinary right all the mundane moments that we talked about on sunday sangha right most of our existence is mundane moments but out of all those mundane moments when we're paying attention when we know what our our highest intention is our internal intention you find little moments many more moments of joy that you that you would not have noticed otherwise if you weren't present little moments that that are extraordinary the moments of awe the moments of wonder that are there not continuous but they're there they they poke their little head out and it's like oh okay but but coming back and really getting familiar with this feeling but but coming back and really getting familiar with this feeling of non-grasping inside of us this feeling of oh spaciousness of ease we're so used to being in that grasping craving mode we think it's normal that's why it feels so unfamiliar to us the peace when we when we come back it's like oh I can't stay here too long because I'm holding everything together up here you're not holding anything together you're just not knowing the peace that is here you're getting distracted not following your highest intention that's always a good cue feel that tightening whoops you're thinking again something's out there it's the experience to have in each moment the adventure let all of it flow through you enjoy it enjoy the good times when the unpleasant times are arising don't grasp at it don't push back on it it might just be unpleasant for a while it might just be unpleasant there's nothing else opening up but good for you to experience that makes us stronger makes us tougher makes us wiser more compassionate but maybe again maybe another path is opening up that we could also be open to when something's going oh the flight's canceled okay don't get don't freak out what are we going to do let's take a few breaths the adventure is still going let's see maybe you are stuck in the airport all night or maybe something else opens up lovely local family says come stay with us for the night and you have this moment of connection of a stranger being kind to you all right we just we don't know how this is unfolding so the more that we can prioritize our internal intention whatever word you used to describe in the in the meditation of what it is that's most important making sure it's not dependent on anything external peace connection love belonging belonging tranquility serenity equanimity whatever word you use to describe it make sure that that is your heart make sure that that is your number one intention everything else flows from there it will keep bringing you back if you get the order right it will keep bringing you back when you face challenges it will bring you back when you're not trusting the process it will bring you back it is the best pointer that we have and nurture that seed so why i ask the question in most meditations because we need to keep saying it we need to keep following it up with what could i be doing differently what could i be it up with what could i be doing differently what could i be doing differently not grasping at what i need to be doing differently it will naturally happen okay i see a question from leslie and jim oh leslie oh that had a profound impact so i think the meditation or maybe the part of the talk i'm glad to hear that glad to hear that so from jim recently i nicknamed my inner voice and i'm wondering what i what i think about that i think it can be helpful to to name it sure the more that we can label what's going on up here yeah yeah i think it's i think it's good and you can catch it i mean it isn't that's what we do when i label it mara right mara from the buddhas in buddhism mara kind of depicted as the trickster the jokester the ego mara who tries to stop the buddha from awakening um and and the buddha would say it's in the suttas that after he awakened mara would still come around he'd say i see you mara i see you so whatever you've named it it's like yeah i see you and you're labeling it you understand i see you mara it's not me it's just these voices and what we've been doing in the ego series on uh on the sunday sangha classes on it is uh labeling it trying to identify yeah there's the validator there's that need for validation so that we can understand and that need for validation we're never going to fill it up it's something outside it's something it's creating the sense of separation and pointing to something outside saying no you'll get it if you could just get that person to praise you you'll feel better and by going through this and going oh there's the validator no i'm not going to feel better by getting that person's praise i'm going to feel better by dropping this thought and coming back into the present moment because that's a bottomless pit of needing validation externally you can never get enough never get enough or the judge the controller this past sunday i don't have a cute name for it but it's just chasing happiness me future happy me right the more that we can identify it the more more quickly i think we get pulled out of the the vr headset of the little me in there thinking that because with that inner voice jim um the the problem with the inner voice so many problems it's pandora's box of problems you know as this inner voice right you you say a little thought about jim what's jim going to do later just thinking that you're imagining yourself doing something so you're imagining yourself so there's a little jim in your vr headset that you're imagining doing something out there and of course you're most likely you're either imagining oh look how happy jim is he's having his favorite meal he's uh out on the boat he's doing this he's look at how happy jim is up here and the whole time that you're believing the thought the little jim here that you're imagining happy in the future so you're thinking oh jim is only happy based on these external conditions in this little imaginary headset that i've created right and not seeing that while you're imagining jim happy up here what you're feeling is tension and tightness here anxiety because what if you don't get there what if you're you're imagining this and you're looking at someone else getting it and you're thinking oh my god they're getting more than me there's not enough for me right so so what we're trying to do in the in the zoo in the um the ego series what it's pointing to is a lie that's the illusion this is what this is what magicians do look over here look over here and we're looking over here oh let me run over there let me get on the boat let me get to the restaurant we're oh yes look at what it's pointing to there's a little me up here that's going to be happy over there and we're so in the illusion we don't even notice the trick we're not paying attention we're not even noticing how unpleasant it makes us feel and of course because in the desire that the future jim happy on the boat or having his favorite meal right it doesn't take long also because again now it's like what if i don't get there what if they get there first and as the mind the thoughts start ramping up doesn't take long before we start thinking of unpleasant thoughts oh and don't forget earlier today some such and such happened and that was such a nightmare and last week when this person said that and i should have said this i should i would have put them in their place and then we're we're having this argument in our head a fictitious argument in our head but that's who you're jim up there is having the argument and he's winning right now and he's winning right and you think it feels good you think it feels good that's the illusion you think it feels good you're so believing what is pointing to him what's happening up here you actually think it feels good because i put him in their place i had the perfect line but if you come back into your body mindfulness and you and you notice what you're really experiencing you feel threatened you feel defensive you feel tense you feel tight you feel anxious you don't feel good at all you feel separate because you have separated yourself into two you don't feel like you belong so yeah the more we can the more we can identify the inner voice and and and again while you said inner voice it's a little me it's not just that this voice is pointing to something it's that we truly believe that there's a little me that uh is hurt because i was excluded from something last week right something that already happened and and in this day and age where we're going to be excluded from things from time to time but believing oh this wounded little me up here it's excluded it doesn't belong it's unworthy it's unlovable i'm so sad i'm so broken everyone else is having everyone else is having a good time i'm the only loser and we believe that over the reality of the experience of the adventure of jim of the adventure of chelsea of merida of what i'm seeing and hearing and and touching and tasting and smelling of seeing how this ride is arising and changing moment by moment by moment interdependent interconnected missing all of that because i oh no last week and then it wasn't just last week it was five years ago something happened to and i don't like that and then yeah this person disagreed with me and i don't like that right and then we live in this we live in our vr headset i mean we live in the we we've been living in the vr headsets long before metaverse came along you know uh you know the facebook thing um we've been living here i mean it's even scarier that now that now you can actually i mean it's still the same thing but i mean maybe the colors and is a little better or a little better or something but um i mean frightening it's frightening this is where we want to go to we've been doing this experiment because i think you would find again and i don't know the studies it's just popped into my head because i saw something recently about it about that metaverse thing but i mean you look at the studies with social media it doesn't matter who you are top influencer celebrity you spend a certain amount of time on social media and you're comparing and you're feeling bad about yourself because you're you're comparing to everyone's highlight reel and i just have to imagine and so we know we feel bad through social media i i have to imagine there's not you know there's this i mean it's not real it's not real connection it's not real it's not real i can't imagine what this is doing to us as what this will do to us as a society but we'll just stick with the imaginary virtual reality headsets and i like to use that analogy because that is literally what we are all walking around with our little vr headsets and each of us has a little me up there and that little me is lacking and it's small and it's finite and it's so scared to death of being criticized of of being blamed of being excluded of being hurt in some way and this little me dictates a lot of our actions so much of our actions because oh i couldn't be hurt i couldn't possibly feel the hurt i mean we see this with young men today where um and i think it's because of gaming a lot of them are on gaming sites they spend a lot of time on that and a lot of time i'm gonna say this but a lot of time on other websites of which the whole internet is based on i don't know if i'm allowed to say that on here or not but i think you probably all know what i'm talking about and and what it's doing is they have lost their ability to communicate with women and they've lost their ability to be there they're so um you know they don't know how to go out and ask a woman out a real woman and to take that risk of rejection because the rejection would just demoralize them so much whereas 30 40 years ago men knew this or women you know asking someone out like you know it's like yeah it's kind of part of it and you just kind of carry on and you keep moving so you know that little me can really build up the more we spend in virtual reality with our you know our own little pretend virtual our imaginary imaginary virtual reality versus any other kind of virtual reality it's stopping us from growing from being able to connect from being able to be vulnerable from for being able to be resilient we're not resilient anymore either that answer kind of went around a lot but hopefully we got some things out of that so yes jim absolutely name your inner voice so from joanne uh how do you disassociate the labeling and the actual feeling so great question joanne because so the labeling you know that is a mental activity right i'm labeling um and that labeling the act of labeling by the way starts to give us a little bit of separation all of a sudden you're starting to see what's going on you're not lost in the virtual reality headset you're starting to see oh there's the validator i see what's going on right now you're not out of it yet but you're there's enough separation that you're kind of oh i see what's going on and then you come into the body and this part is not easy right but this is this is it's how we come in and experience what actually is happening we've seen what we're imagining what we're pretending is happening right we create a little bit of space there and now it's to come in to actually feel because it's unpleasant whatever it is you are thinking about whether it's a desire or a fear and that's the two modes in which the ego arises desire and fear two sides of the same coin right the desire i want something right the fear i might not get it right or the fearing something unpleasant and the desiring then of something else that is more pleasant right but we can we can often feel we can identify one as being a little clearer than the other and all the little ways underneath of that right if i'm desiring validation i'm desiring praise fearing criticism uh if i'm judging right i'm pushing back i'm fearing i'm resisting so it's these two main modes and all that you know the judging the comparison the pairing the jealousy the envy all of this comes under these two main modes and so whatever it was that you were thinking about if it's an egoic thought you're thinking about yourself right you have created tension in your body you've released a bunch of neurotransmitters probably a lot of adrenaline um of cortisol of norepinephrine right you know kind of your brain thinking oh my god i might get criticized and your brain responding the same way as if you're about to be attacked by a tiger not to the same degree as what's going to be released but the difference in our thoughts is that it becomes chronic we keep we keep going over it again and again the brain keeps going oh i better give you some more i better give you some more better give you some more adrenaline better give you some more of this right until we're just you know we feel we feel sick to our stomachs after a while right because it's just you know we're not meant to live in this chronic state of stress so it doesn't feel good so we have to be very clear about that it doesn't feel good but when we come in and feel it without the story of me being criticized of me being embarrassed me having made a fool of myself me um having a review with my boss that didn't go well me you know me something right the story is what's the most terrifying by the way and that is not happening but you come in and you feel it and 10 breaths breathing in allowing whatever it is that's here to be here we so want to push back on it i don't want to feel it well then you're just going to pushing back on it is you've just left the vr headset here and you just kind of sidled right back up on the other side if you're pushing back on it how are you pushing back in your thoughts i don't want to feel this this is terrifying how am i going to experience this in 10 minutes nobody else is feeling this i must be the only one right that's always a telltale sign of the ego i'm the only one i'm the only loser i'm the i'm the one that something's fundamentally broken inside of me so 10 breaths come and breathe big breaths allowing what's here right and saying the words it's okay to feel this yeah one it's okay to feel this two it's okay to feel this three it's okay to feel this right saying that over it's okay to feel this because now the words that you're using while it is self-talk you're using the self-talk to bring you into your experience not to take you out of it right and to be with what's happening to accept what's happening it's okay to feel this or another beautiful you know and of course self-compassion i always bring up self-compassion oh sweetheart it's so oh sweetheart it's okay to feel this right petting ourselves oh okay it's okay to feel this or or to say just like me millions of people are feeling scared right now just like me millions of people in the world right now made a fool of themselves and feel terrible or and feel fear right just like me millions of people are feeling sad just like me millions of people are feeling vulnerable just like me millions of people are feeling anxious right now right because again the ego is trying to believe us we're the only ones that this is happening to these are all normal human emotions and the more that we can come in and feel it and and again just you know just like me millions of people are experiencing or feeling fill in the blank or even just these words it's okay to feel this it's okay to feel this it's okay to feel this and 10 deep breaths talking yourself down so using self-talk but talking yourself down kind self-talk after 10 breaths it doesn't mean that the unpleasant feelings are all completely gone but you're pretty out of the story at this point and you you've tempered them down a little bit right it's not they're not quite as heightened anymore because you're accepting right because we don't realize what a what a tight um you know we walk around like this bundle of nerves you know kind of tightness this ball all day long you know pushing back on the little heads on the story that we're telling in the headset and so the coming in ah okay and maybe it stays for a couple minutes you know you stay present and then maybe it comes the thought comes back okay you do there you are again mara i see you or there you are validator there you are judge right there you are controller right i mean it is or or whatever name you have used right there i see you i see you i see you mara i see what you were selling today i am not buying this but it is this continuously seeing it being mindful noticing it and coming back to begin again and begin again and begin again to start to trust this more and the more that you do this then you see it and go ah i see you fear right you might i see you jealousy i see you i see you i am not buying what you are selling whatever you're pointing to is a lie and you really do start to see that over time you understand it's a lie i'm not going to find any the perfect comeback response and feel at peace i'm not going to find any resolution and reliving what happened back there and i made a fool of myself right it doesn't mean that we can't ever reflect or have remorse right not those are separate things but this kind of oh i could somehow i can replay this and come to some satisfaction where i don't have to beat myself up anymore no oh i just have to recognize that i am human and i make mistakes and every single one of us do we will always make mistakes we will always have moments i mean hopefully not every moment of the day but we all do it you know we say the wrong thing i mean i do it right we all do it happens on these calls sometimes and i'm like oh why'd you say that like you know i mean it's it's you know that example wasn't the best well at the time i thought it was at the time i thought it was those were the causes and conditions that were arising in that moment i couldn't have done anything differently right and letting it go if of course if we ever have to go and apologize if we ever have to go and clean something up like oh i said something and actually i don't think that was accurate like yeah but not with any ego not like oh my god now now i feel stupid up here i couldn't go and change i couldn't go and and clear something up and say i made a mistake i would appear stupid that's the ego right so it's not just continuous coming back and then trusting this more and you start to trust it more and you start to see through the illusion we so believe that there's a little me up here that's going to find eternal happiness if i can just get everything outside of me to some particular some elusive state and stay there not going to happen it's just suffering it's endless endless suffering the ego lives in dissatisfaction if you're satisfied there's no ego you're not reaching out you're not pushing anything away doesn't mean that you don't have goals motive you know objectives primary goal peace everything else falling out on you know behind that right so that whatever it is that you want to do you want to launch a new business you want to go on an adventure you want a new partner like no problem it's like yeah have that adventure that's the adventure you want to have go have it go see how that works out but not with this idea that you're going to be complete by any of these things so that way you take the pressure off and you can actually enjoy the adventure enjoy the adventure of your life not struggling against our lives not struggling the whole time in some imaginary headset and just keep coming back begin again begin again begin again i see you breathe use self-compassion it's okay to feel this and you just keep doing this again and again you start seeing through the illusion of it you've got to break the chain of the habit there's nothing to be gained up here nothing nothing to be gained everything to be lost most importantly your life you won't you won't be here for your life because you'll live it up in the vr headset and it's a nightmare up there i'm always lacking i'm always small i'm always finite up here that's not reality so we've got to stop believing this more than we believe what we see and hear and feel and touch or feel and taste and smell we believe this our imagination more than we believe what we're actually experiencing but is that we've got to keep coming back to trust this to see through that illusion to see through it oh bye rosa good to see you i'm assuming you're back home now okay i'm just going to go back here to oh thank you nancy thank you um your inner voice can be troublesome oh i just i wanted okay so jim you're saying your inner voice can be troublesome but has been helpful occasionally i'd love an example i'm not saying it's not true but i would love an example of where you're thinking it's been helpful let's just be sure so if you if you're willing to share uh okay so from chelsea oh thank you i'm glad you enjoyed the meditation and that you're reflecting on what came up for you in the meditation and it was belief belief in myself belief belief in myself would belief be internal or external i've just passed my driving test congratulations uh i was up in my thoughts a lot during lessons it rooms um and now i'm now i've passed i'm up in my thoughts again i've got to future me and now the validator presents more challenges as i don't feel confident enough to drive solo i think because i don't want to get it wrong um interested in my thoughts and any fellow meditators um okay um i kind of want to tackle this in a couple ways um in the meditation what i'm asking you to uh you know what it is that's most important and while and you're saying like belief in yourself i wouldn't put that as a skillful answer it sounds too dependent on something and i think for what you're saying here and i really do think if you were to be honest with you or not honest sorry that's not the right but if you were to really explore this more i think what you would find is that what you do want and i know this just through my own experience and asking this question so many people peace is the universal word that people use to describe people use to describe right it's not it but it's what what we can best use to describe it peace is what you want and i think if you were to while uh studying for your driving test and practicing driving if you were to have peace as a pointer right to say okay what's most important is peace like yes you want to pass your driving test you don't want to hurt any other drivers out on the road and and i would imagine getting and of course getting your driver's license driver's license gives you a certain amount of freedom moving about like that's fine that's fine it's not going to bring you peace it's not going to bring you peace right it's going to it's going to give you some options in the external world but it's not going to bring you peace it's not going to bring you peace of mind and so when studying for the test if you were to be and i know you've already passed but now maybe in fact maybe we use it with actually we'll use it with the test and then we'll use it with what your challenge is now if in studying for a test you keep reminding yourself peace is what's most important right that's the primary intention i want to get your driver's license your driver's license that's secondary okay okay but peace is what i want so in breathing in and coming in and knowing the peace because the peace is here and now using the breath to bring yourself here maybe some self-compassion because maybe it's a little tiring you're studying and you're like man okay sweetheart you're doing your best you're doing your best that's all right so you're doing your best but let's find the peace again let's find that center take those breaths 10 breaths as a way to bring you back in because maybe you were getting a little stressed you know a little bit of doubt was creeping in what if i can't do it and to bring yourself back in that peace in that spaciousness there is no need to say i need to believe in myself it's in the openness in the feeling whole and the feeling complete in the in the peace that is in the present moment because all of that that comes along with it i think the stress and the doubt and the fear is all gone it's all gone in the present moment you are fine you are okay you've got something you're studying for something you're working towards okay no problem but the peace is right here and that will serve you best so that when you're doing your driver's test or any other things any other exams or preparing for something you've got a presentation right the more that we can keep coming back and knowing the peace that is here then what we are doing we are doing it for the right reasons it's the equation we are doing it for the right reasons it's the experience you want the experience of passing the driver's test and being able to drive not because it's going to give you anything and that removes so much stress it removes all the doubt and the fear right so that's what we're trying to do is to remove all of that where it's not necessary now this is this is does not mean that you go wow i don't care right there's no wisdom in that this is a path of wisdom and compassion what we're teaching here right and so in coming back to the center of the peace like okay i've studied for a couple hours maybe i do need to take a little break right maybe just let these things settle in some of the things that i've had to learn just let that settle in for a little bit maybe that's the wisest thing that i can do and then when i go and do the test i can also remember that peace is what's most important and if i'm feeling peaceful i'm more likely to be a better driver i mean this is the thing we are better in the present moment not talking ourselves through not thinking oh what if i forget this what if i forget that every time you do that your brain like we talked about just a few minutes ago your brain says oh my god what if you don't pass it's the same as about to be attacked by a tiger so i'm going to release stress you know the stress hormones so your blood pressure is up your heart rate's up your pupils are dilated you're hyper focused all of your the glucose is leaving your prefrontal cortex right the part of your brain that you need right to be able to pay attention to to all the other things that are going on in this moment not the little me up here that's going to fail their test in a minute but to see the pedestrian that's potentially walking out in the street to see the other driver right to be more at ease to be more relaxed now of course if something as you're driving and someone pulls out in front of you the stress is going to be there that you need because now you need it in that situation to react very quickly because we do react very quickly in those situations and bypasses the prefrontal cortex and so so so what i would say chelsea is not to say believing in myself don't make this into anything like that it's not to believe in yourself it's to take away all of the things that that that are causing you to believe you need to believe in yourself all of the doubt all of the fear all of the criticism all of the um you know kind of extrapolating maybe things in the past well that didn't work and that didn't work and kind of the way that we we we then put ourselves in some little box like oh i've had failures in the past and that must mean i'm always going to fail right failures mean you were trying and you never everyone anyone who's tried anything has failed right and so so yes so i am going to say explore this question a little bit more explore this question more of what it is you really want and i think you will find the more peace that you can find and the more that you can be centered and more present more mindful that you can be that you will find you'll then think oh okay i've got my license i'm just going to go for a little drive around the block not too far just want to test it out a little bit okay yeah let's go do that let's see what that's like you know or okay i'm going to just ask a friend to come with me okay not be you know but it's okay to ask for a few little things that you want a little bit of help with along the way but coming from a place of peace and coming from a place of wisdom so okay and i see you just responded oh okay i'm so glad that that's resonating okay oh good oh and i'm glad you found these classes before and and you passed yay and congratulations congratulations enjoy the good feeling of passing enjoy the good feeling of it right it's fleeting but enjoy it you've accomplished something and that's awesome okay so sorry we're back to oh jim just yeah the dating mating dynamics have changed many reasons why men are reluctant to enter a relationship i agree there that was kind of a little aside that i had brought up but yeah none of it good for our society none of it good for our society unfortunately um oh jim's gone okay uh okay saying inner voice he finds helpful during endurance sports and high stress you probably have to have him back on here to have that discussion more um i will just say because they put it in here and may and of course i'll put this recording up so so where we think the inner voice is helping us in endurance sports the science would say the exact opposite uh when you look at top athletes i'm gonna really date myself here michael jordan or actually more recent lebron james um tiger woods i can't think of any other than lebron james i can't think of any recent oh actually i will give an example there was a um so first of all top athletes when they are in their game they are not uh oh thank you joe joe kovic yeah um when top athletes are in their game they are not thinking because the moment they start thinking is the moment they mess up and there was a an athlete an american athlete that was in the beijing olympics and she was something in the in the um track in the hurdle the hurdle part and she was like supposed to be the winner of the hurdle and uh something flow and she was leading she was winning she was way out ahead of everyone or maybe a couple out ahead of everyone clearly she was going to win and then she tripped on one of the hurdles and she fell and she lost and of course she's interviewed later you were the favorite you were in the front what happened you know what happened she said everything was clicking you know i was in the zone and i was just everything was just clicking and i started to realize i'm ahead i'm this far ahead and i started telling myself don't forget to kick out your back leg or something something along those lines and as soon as she started coaching herself she came out of the moment and she lost so just as so jim because i know you'll watch the recordings or hopefully you'll watch the recording i'm going to send this to you um in endurance sports we are better when we are not thinking and and i know like myself i don't do it much anymore but i i kite surfed well kite surfed for about 18 years and and it's an extreme sport and and i know before when i used to do like tricks and stuff i mean i definitely don't anymore now i'm too old and i don't like getting beaten up out there but um if i would think about it in fact i always remember too the first time i learned to do some tricks like doing back rolls or doing some kind of high jumps and and kind of going out there and just like doing it a couple times i remember i was with my boyfriend he's like man you like nailed that and i'm like i know that's incredible and then i started thinking about it and then it was like slam slam slam every time i would slam hit the water my you know everything would go flying it was a big mess because i was thinking about it so in fact so so endurance sports um we are not better and even in high stress situations we are not better we are not better there's this flow state that we get into that um that is what's happening when high-performing athletes and just even when we're when when you're doing something that requires a certain amount of stress does require a certain amount of stress um but you get in that zone of it you're pushing yourself a little bit you're working on some presentation you're doing you know you're you are doing some kind of sporting activity or something you're in this flow state where everything you're not having to think about it everything is just working right and that's what it always is when when you go back and you ask some top athlete and you know joke joke of it i used to play tennis too the moment you start thinking about it is the moment that you mess up them i mean you practice you practice you practice your coach tells you what to do you maybe reflect on a little bit afterwards but you are not your best it's not to say that there's not a time that you couldn't be talking yourself you're learning something brand new for the very first time and you're okay don't forget to do this don't there's a little bit of it but you're doing a pretty uh you know kind of oh i'm just trying to figure this out but the moment you let go of the inner voice everything starts flowing so i don't know that i would i would well i don't yeah i don't think that it's helpful in that situation i'm not saying that the ego is all bad i'm not saying that and by the way thank you chelsea for the donation uh i'm not saying the ego is all bad it is an illusion it's not real it's just a little thought created illusion but for some self-identity right the the ego is identity and protection there's a little bit of helpfulness there a little bit of helpfulness uh if if um again just that little bit of knowing um you know knowing there's a meredith here there's a merit that's arising in each moment and changing a merit that lives here a merit that has dogs that has this that has that there's a little bit of a helpfulness in that reference of knowing that and that little bit where it can be helpful to say oh okay i can imagine meredith doing this next week because meredith has to maybe plan for something like okay kind of okay let me just go through and imagine it oh yeah okay i can see that might work out and then letting it go it so it's not like we're throwing the baby out with the bath water but what we're saying is don't believe you are this illusion because you are not you are not the ego it can be helpful to use a little bit of the simulation it's helpful to have that little bit little bit of self-identity there's sometimes that reference point but mostly but but but remembering right there's a little bit of helpfulness little tiny tiny bit of helpfulness there but it does it does not take long before the ego gets completely out of control and takes over and so what we're trying to do is to see through the illusion of the ego to see that it is an illusion and it's not who you are to trust this more right it if there's a little bit let's say and i don't even know if i i mean it could be a little bit of ego or just wisdom you know if someone's um someone's treating you poorly someone's stepping over a boundary let's say and i just want to say thank you nancy also for the donation thank you let's say someone's stepping over a boundary and and the reason you're aware of that is perhaps because you're getting a little lost in your thoughts and you're thinking about pushing back on it but then you realize ah i see what's going on i'm pushing back on this it's creating suffering it's turning me into someone i don't want to be whenever we're pushing back on someone setting a boundary we're thinking really unkind thoughts about them judgmental thoughts uh and you know thoughts of we have anger towards them resentment towards them uh i mean and that's what we're doing that's what we're doing is thinking really horrible thoughts about another person because they've stepped over a boundary and we don't want to say something because we fear what they might think if i were to speak up for myself so i will give that there can be a little bit of usefulness in there and in the recognition like ah okay i see what's going on i need to set a boundary but then it's you've got to come so maybe there was that little bit of usefulness but the ego will stop you from setting the boundary you have because then the ego will say well don't you don't what will happen what will they think of you what will everyone think of you if you tell this person that the way they're interacting with you is inappropriate or if you cut this person out of your life because you consider their behavior to be toxic what will they all think of you what will they think of you and so the ego will stop you though so while it can alert you to something right because we don't we're not trying to turn into doormats here either and just say oh well just nothing bothers me and and it's okay if someone treats me poorly like no it's not i'm just in fact because i just went through this with someone twice in the last week of having to set some boundaries um and just that noticing oh yeah there's there's some aversion there and realizing yeah the solution is i need to set a boundary but now i've got to take that little voice and come come out of it because it will not let me make a boundary and to come back into my heart to go you know they don't know they've stepped over a boundary i didn't tell them but now i am going to say something and yeah there's consequences you know they may not be they may not receive it the way that i would would intend one really did the second one in fact i i've drafted the email i haven't sent it yet um but it was just even that recognition like yeah that's i gotta set a boundary this isn't this isn't good uh but then to come out of the ego because the ego does not want to lead the ego never wants us to come to the end of suffering right it exists in suffering and dissatisfaction if i if i take an action that's going to be skillful and wise and do it in a in a wise and compassionate way well the ego is like well where's the room for me in here i can't keep pushing back on this no you can't i'm going to take care of it right so a little bit so i will give a little bit of um that for me that was a helpful kind of pointer and i and i talk about that a lot in a in the boundaries workshop which i'm probably going to do next month by the way i haven't done it for a couple of months the setting boundaries workshop so i think i'm going to do it in april because it's such a helpful workshop to um alert us to when we need to set a boundary and then to know how to come into our hearts to do what we need to do to then follow through and set the boundary leading to the end of suffering so uh i i would say i think that we're not throwing the baby out with the bath water we're not trying to kill the ego the ego is an illusion it does not exist it's not real it arises through our thoughts and then passes away when we're when we're not thinking those thoughts thoughts about me thoughts about what i want what i don't want it's always me in relation to something it has to be in relation to something so the moment those thoughts go away so does that little me it's it can be a it can have its its place but always knowing that's not me that's not who i am and sadly we have taken that thought created me to really be me to be to to be who we are that we believe the hurt little me and my thoughts more than we believe the reality of that well that happened last week it was a misunderstanding mostly it's always nine times out of ten it's a misunderstanding right there's no one here that's hurt there's just a there's no one here that's hurt there's just a little me up here that's hurt a little me up here that's fearing a little me up here that um is doubting itself right it's not real it's not real it's not who we are it's not who we are that's what we're trying to see and to see who to see what it is that we really are to live our lives from the present moment understanding how we are arising and changing moment by moment based on causes and conditions and one of the most the most freeing condition there is is seeing through the illusion of the ego not throwing it out the baby out with the bath water but just being very clear it's not who you are

Reviews

Wonderful. Thank you 🙏🏼

i always hear so much in your talks. this talk, living in this moment, resonated the most with me. it’s hard to not future trip about the next chapter of my life with my beloved husband (best friend and soul mate) passed .

i have a beautiful opportunity with my years in two different 12 step programs to continue helping others. i feel blessed to have that in my life. and some days i’m even grateful for my grief. to be able to grieve deeply is a true gift- much love and affection to you 🕊️🙏🦋🕊️🙏🦋🕊️🙏🦋🕊️🙏🦋