We Are Of The Nature To Grow Old

In this talk, we explore the Buddha’s First Remembrance and the freedom that comes with accepting the inevitability of aging. Why do we resist growing older, even when it’s a natural part of life? Together, we’ll reflect on how letting go of this resistance can reveal the beauty and wisdom in every stage of life and ultimately our true nature.

Transcript

So in the Bhagavad Gita,

Which is a Hindu text,

The whole text is around this war that's happening,

This battle,

And this conversation that's taking place between the prince warrior Arjuna and Krishna.

And of course the battle's going on for weeks at a time,

And Krishna's imparting all of this advice and wisdom to Arjuna.

And at one point,

Arjuna asks Krishna,

He says,

Tell me,

With all your wisdom,

With everything you've seen,

What do you think is the most amazing thing in the world?

And without skipping a beat,

Krishna says that you can see people dying all around you,

And you don't think it will happen to you.

And so while we don't see people dying all around us,

We're not on a battlefield,

We do know that people are dying every day.

We read about it in the newspaper,

We see it on social media,

We've lost family members,

We've lost friends,

We hear of friends that are passing.

So while we don't see it happening every day,

We know it is happening,

And yet we don't think it will happen to us.

And what we do see every day,

And what we have seen for our entire lives,

Is we have seen old people.

And yet even though we see old people,

We've seen them our entire lives,

We don't think it will happen to us.

And even though we see throughout our whole lives,

We have seen sick people,

We don't think it will happen to us.

And we see that people are losing those that they love,

Those that are dearest to them,

But we don't think that it will happen to us.

That we live in this kind of,

This bubble,

This delusional bubble,

That we can see all of these things happening around us,

But we don't think that they're going to happen to us.

And so to get us out of the bubble,

What the Buddha has given us is the teaching on the five remembrances.

These five things that we should contemplate every single day,

These five truths that none of us can escape,

That we should be contemplating daily.

So the five remembrances are,

I am of the nature to get old.

I cannot escape growing old.

I am of the nature to get sick.

I cannot escape getting sick.

I am of the nature to die.

I cannot escape death.

Everything that is dear to me and everyone that I love is subject to change.

I cannot escape separation from them.

My actions are my only true belongings.

I cannot escape the consequences of my actions.

My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

So these are the five remembrances Buddha gives us that he recommends that we say daily,

So that we don't pretend that these things aren't happening.

Because the consequences of pretending that they're not happening is that we suffer.

Because in pretending it's not happening,

Trying to push back on it,

Fearing the old age,

Fearing the dying,

Fearing the getting sick,

And grasping and desiring,

Oh no,

I want my youth back.

I want my health back.

I want my mortality back.

The grasping is just keeping us trapped in the cycle of suffering.

It's just another way that we fall into the grasping,

The cycle of suffering.

And so,

What I want to do over the next five weeks,

Instead of just going through all five remembrances now,

To go through one a week,

So that we can really unpack each one,

So that we can really be clear on where the grasping is happening.

Because if we can see where the grasping is happening,

Then we can see where we let go,

And where the freedom is,

Where the waking up is.

So,

For this week,

I am of the nature to grow old.

I cannot escape growing old.

For our entire lives,

We have been getting old.

From the day we were born,

We started aging.

And while in the beginning of our lives,

We want to get older,

We know that we are aging.

We want to get older.

We know that we are aging,

But we want to get older.

It's something we look forward to.

I want to be able to hang out with the cool kids,

To be older.

I want to be able to stay out later.

I want to be able to drive a car.

I want to be able to drink alcohol.

I want to be able to have my own place,

To make my own decisions,

To have my own money.

So,

A good part of our lives,

We're actually wanting to get older.

And then we get to a certain point,

And we're like,

Oh,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

Stop.

Actually,

I don't want to get any older than this.

This is enough.

Thank you.

So,

We're literally shocked that now we're starting to get older in a way that we're not looking forward to,

In a way that we're horrified by,

Because very much our culture and we are very much the conditioning of our culture,

It is embedded in our culture that youth is good and aging,

Being old,

Sorry,

Being old is bad.

And so,

This is how we look at it.

This is how we view being old.

It's something negative.

It's something that we have to stop.

We have to prevent it.

We have to push back on it.

It shouldn't be happening.

Even though,

Even though we know,

We know when we look back at our youth,

It didn't prevent suffering,

Having no wrinkles,

Having everything firm and taught,

Didn't prevent us getting dumped by our partners.

It didn't prevent us having insecurity or feeling like we don't belong or the fear of not belonging.

It didn't prevent having some anxiety or some depression or getting angry at our parents because they weren't letting us stay out all night,

Right?

It didn't prevent any of these things,

Right?

We even know when we look at today's youth and,

I mean,

The skyrocketing,

Staggering percentage rates of anxiety and depression and loneliness and isolation and unworthiness,

All looking very young,

Not many wrinkles to be found,

Right?

Because peace and happiness is a state of mind.

It's not dependent upon what we look like.

It's not dependent upon how many wrinkles we've got or how many age spots that we don't have.

It's a state of mind.

But our conditioning for so long has been that getting old is bad.

And so,

We have these reactions.

We look at our hands and we think,

Oh,

My God,

Whose hand is that?

Where did those age spots come from?

I didn't see those last week.

Look at all those wrinkles,

Right?

Or we look at our face and we're like,

Oh,

Who's that?

Because that's our automatic reaction because of the conditioning of our society that we have this kind of,

Oh,

My God,

This is awful.

I've got to do something.

I've got to go buy some expensive creams.

I've got to do some facials.

I've got to do something.

I've got to do some work.

I've got to get something done.

I've got to stop this.

But we can't prevent getting old.

Nobody can escape this.

And yet,

We start grasping at something that we cannot prevent and causing ourselves suffering as we're doing this.

And so,

To break the pattern of this conditioned thinking of our cultures,

Our society's way of viewing old age and dying and getting sick and all of these things,

We reflect on the five remembrances.

We reflect,

I am of the nature to grow old.

I cannot escape growing old.

And the more that we reflect on that,

Not fearing it,

Not deluding ourselves that it's happening,

We can really come to it in a way where we can think about our whole lives,

The entirety of our lives.

Yes.

We can remember ourselves at four,

At six,

At eight,

At 12,

At 17,

At 22,

At 25,

At 40,

At 50,

Right?

We can see those different times go,

Yes,

There was aging all happening the whole time.

And I can even imagine myself getting more wrinkly and getting older,

Right?

I can even see that.

And I don't have to fear it because that is inevitable.

I can't avoid it.

And the more that we reflect this and the more that we change that conditioned pattern of rejecting ourselves,

Instead,

We see ourselves,

We see our hands and we go,

Oh,

Look at this hand,

All those age spots,

All those wrinkles.

These hands have done a lot over my lifetime.

59 years of carrying things for me,

Carrying suitcases on my travels,

Of holding onto the bicycle,

Of holding onto the kite board,

Of preparing meals,

Of self-compassion,

Of comforting myself,

Of comforting another person,

Of loving another person,

Having compassion for another person.

These hands,

All of these age spots,

All of these wrinkles,

They're a record of a life that's been lived,

Right?

Or when we look at our face and we see the lines and the scars and the not so smooth skin anymore,

Right?

It's because this face has lived that in each and every etched line and scar,

Right?

There's a memory in there.

There's joy and sorrow and laughter and pain and tears and smiles,

Right?

All of these things.

And yeah,

It's not as smooth because it's looked at the sun and it's had the wind feeling,

The breeze against it and the rain and the snow,

That the face with wisdom,

That when we look at it with wisdom and insight,

Because we're not deluding ourselves that we're getting old,

We're acknowledging it,

That we're able to see with wisdom and compassion,

Yeah,

This is a life that's been lived.

As you say,

Sandy,

A full life that's been lived.

This is a record of that life.

So,

The old conditioned way of our society's values that we see ourselves and we push back and we're repulsed and we belittle ourselves and we devalue ourselves basically too.

We're like,

Oh,

I'm of no value anymore.

And we do even see this.

There's been studies about older people kind of shrinking into that.

I mean,

Of course,

We're shrinking,

We're getting smaller,

But just that internal sense of shrinking as well,

Of not wanting to be seen,

Not wanting to look people in the eye because feeling as though you don't have any more value,

Anything more to contribute to the world,

Instead of embracing and honoring and valuing our experiences,

Right?

That we have lived a life,

That we've been on this planet for a long time,

And we have a lot to offer the world,

Right?

No one's going to the 16-year-old or the 22-year-old for life advice.

You want to go to someone that's lived.

You want to go to someone that's had experiences,

That has wisdom.

I had a friend visiting just recently,

And she was telling me how she was looking for a therapist this summer.

And I asked her,

I said,

What was the main criteria in looking for your therapist?

And she said that she is old.

I want someone that's old,

That has had experiences.

And she found this really old,

Old,

Little lady therapist,

And she loves her.

Like we look at old people,

We look at ourselves,

We look at ourselves getting old,

And we devalue who we are.

And it doesn't matter if you're 29 turning on 35,

Because today they even want to be even younger.

Or if you're just turning 40,

If you're just turning 50,

If you're just turning 60,

My next birthday in a few months is 60,

Right?

And it's like,

Yeah,

You know,

We're getting older,

But we've had experiences,

And we've got wisdom,

And we've got things to share.

That we shouldn't devalue ourselves,

Because every time we do that,

We're grasping.

And we're back in the cycle of suffering,

We're asleep,

We're not awake,

Just simply because we've lived a life.

And forgetting the alternative is I'm not here.

I'm not here to connect anymore,

To share,

To feel the sun on my face,

To have the joy of laughter,

Of smiling,

Of the sorrows,

Of all of that.

That we're not even here then to have that,

Is the alternative.

So that we're here and to appreciate it,

To be grateful that we are still here.

And so we also,

While we have the physical,

You know,

The physical looking older,

There is also a lot of things that we're losing as we get older.

Right?

We're not able to see as well.

We're not able to hear as well.

Our cognitive functioning is not quite what it used to be.

Our short-term memories,

Where we have a train of thought,

And then all of a sudden we lose it.

Or our longer-term memories.

Again,

You know,

We kind of like,

I know that,

I know that,

And you just can't retrieve that memory.

So we're losing some things.

Things are deteriorating.

Our physical capabilities,

We are losing as well.

Right?

That we're not able to,

Maybe you used to be the big mountain biker,

And you would go on the crazy trails,

And now it's like,

Oh,

You know,

Maybe not so much anymore.

Or the,

You know,

Skiing on the black diamonds,

And now you're kind of,

Oh,

You know,

I don't know if I want to do that anymore.

Right?

Or you,

You know,

Maybe used to get a lot of your identity from being the really athletic person,

The really intelligent person.

Maybe it was the really beautiful person.

Right?

Where we get a lot of our identity from that.

Even though that's not who we are,

Of course we do.

We get some identity from that.

And we can see how that causes suffering because,

Of course,

It's going to end at some point.

And so to remember that we're practicing mindfulness,

That we're recognizing what's happening,

Right?

We're recognizing when,

You know,

When we're feeling that loss of,

You know,

I can't do that anymore.

I used to go out for three hours on a bike ride,

And maybe now I can only go for 30 minutes.

Or I used to be a long-distance runner,

And now I'm just kind of taking some gentle walks around the block.

Or I used to do those power vinyasa classes,

And now I'm thinking that yin yoga is looking pretty attractive.

Right?

And so,

Again,

Just kind of that,

There's that little bit of a sense of loss of what we're able to do,

Maybe some identity that's wrapped up in that.

And not to deny any of that,

Not to deny any feelings that we're having from it.

If there's feeling of shame,

If there's feeling of embarrassment,

If there's a feeling of loss,

Right,

Of loss of identity,

Like,

Yeah,

Feel it.

Recognize what's happening.

Come in and feel it,

Be with it,

Accept it.

Because we want to be able to be with our emotions,

Right?

We want to be able to heal the hurt,

Not to stay lost in the grasping of it,

But to come in and feel it.

And then to use the self-inquiry that we talked about last week,

Where we then look,

We look more deeply.

Who is it that's afraid of getting old?

Who is it that's upset that they're losing their physical capabilities?

Who is it that fears old age?

Who is it,

Right?

To look for it,

To use this as an opportunity to wake up.

Because while we all kind of see the impermanence of our thoughts,

Of our feelings,

Of our emotions,

Of pain,

And we're kind of like,

Phew,

Oh,

Thank goodness,

Those things are impermanent.

But now we're saying,

Oh,

This body,

Impermanent,

This body who I've taken to be who I really am,

But I am not,

It's impermanent.

That last vestige that we hold on to,

Trying to claim some type of permanence,

And we start seeing in old age,

That too is impermanent,

And we'll eventually get sick and we'll eventually die.

So it's really bringing us more deeply into the seeing of reality to help us loosen any attachments that we still have to this body by seeing that it is getting old.

It's no longer able to do the things it used to do.

The memory is not as strong as it used to be.

The sight not as strong as it used to be.

We can see this in our own experience,

Not with fear,

Not with grasping,

But with wisdom and insight and going,

Yes,

This is changing,

This body is changing.

It has a shelf life.

And it helps us to let go of our attachment to the body,

To who we think we are,

To what we take ourselves to be,

Or who we take ourselves to be through the identities that we attach through the body as well,

So that we can see instead who we really are,

That through letting go of those attachments,

Revealing who it is that we really are.

So every time we acknowledge the grasping at it,

Every time we contemplate,

I am of the nature to grow old,

I cannot escape growing old.

It helps us to be more mindful of this way in which we grasp.

It's been getting in under the radar because we're not as mindful of it.

We're more aware of it grasping in the other ways.

And we've been focusing a lot the last few weeks on just these different ways in which we grasp in the world.

And we're so conditioned that we just are unaware of how we're doing it.

So kind of looking at this from a different angle,

Last year,

We did the ego game,

Kind of looking at the different ways that the ego is grasping there.

And now we're looking at it again from just different angles.

There's so many ways that the grasping keeps coming in,

So many back doors.

And this is a big one because everything in our culture tells us,

Don't think about aging.

Don't think about death.

You're going to be sad if you think about that.

No,

In fact,

What you're going to be is free.

Because as you're saying,

Sandy,

And I'm seeing a lot of your comments,

You guys are all spot on.

There's a lot of money in anti-aging,

A lot of money to be had.

I mean,

Can you imagine on the New York Times bestseller list,

A book that just says,

You're getting old,

Get used to it.

Like no one's buying that book,

Right?

They're buying the book,

How can I get 20 years younger today,

Or reverse your age,

Or listen to this next podcast on anti-aging.

It's all about the anti-aging.

And of course,

It fuels this consumer industry,

Right?

Because we see it in Hollywood,

And we see it in the images,

Maybe on social media and things.

And it's easy to get caught up in that.

It's easy to get caught up in that.

So no judgment,

Because this is all of our conditioning.

But we know also,

When we see this with younger kids today,

Another friend was just telling me about this,

That they're doing Botox like at 30 years old.

They're doing the fillers at 25,

Because I guess of all the Instagram and stuff,

And all the filters,

And everyone's trying to attain these unattainable images of beauty,

As if that was happiness.

As if that was happiness.

So it's very much,

This is the conditioning of our culture.

And to pretend that it's not affecting us,

I think is naive.

And I'm not saying that it affects us all the time,

Right?

I mean,

We all have a moment where we just kind of get taken by surprise,

Right?

Just,

Oh,

Who's that?

Right?

We have those moments.

I'm not saying we do it all the time,

But we have those moments.

And to be more mindful of those moments.

Oh,

Here it is again.

That's just the conditioning of my society,

Of the culture that I live in,

That has a very bad track record of what brings us happiness,

By the way.

A very poor track record.

If it was a financial analyst,

We wouldn't take any more stock recommendations from it,

But we keep doing it.

We're so caught up in it.

We keep staying in it.

But the Buddha gives us these five remembrances to keep waking us up.

That every day,

To say to ourselves,

I am of the nature to grow old.

I cannot escape growing old.

There is freedom in acknowledging that,

In contemplating it,

In thinking about it,

In imagining ourselves getting older,

Right?

Instead of fearing it and going,

Yeah,

Yeah,

It's going to get older.

And that's not something to repel.

That's not something to put down.

It's reality.

It's reality.

And my peace and happiness is not dependent upon how we look.

It's dependent upon whether I'm grasping or not.

And so every time that we see that,

Every time that we see that pushing back on getting old,

Every time we acknowledge that,

And again,

Being more mindful of it,

Simply because of the remembrances,

And we accept that initial resistance,

Accept it.

That's okay.

Feel it.

That initial fear,

Whatever it is,

Don't deny the feelings.

Don't deny those.

Feel them.

And investigate.

Who is it that was unhappy about seeing that new wrinkle?

Look for it.

If there is truly someone here,

Independent,

Solid,

That is so unhappy about getting old,

We should be able to find it.

But in looking,

In looking for it,

What we find,

What we find,

It's not there.

So in that moment,

Nirvana,

Because that is the extinguishing of the grasping in that moment.

And even if it's just temporary,

Okay,

It's temporary,

But you extinguished it in that moment.

And then 20 minutes later,

30 minutes later,

The grasping comes in another way.

You see it again.

Ah,

Here's the grasping now for enlightenment.

Here's the grasping for when I was so happy when I was young,

You know,

That we always impute happiness back on our youth.

Not that there's not happiness there,

But we forget the thoughts were all there too.

The grasping was still there.

This didn't just happen as we got older.

And so every time we do that,

We keep looking and we keep looking with wisdom and investigating what's happening.

We keep waking up.

So these are opportunities to wake up.

So we can remember in the first remembrance,

I'm of the nature to grow old.

I cannot escape old age.

As we say this to ourselves every day,

When we see others that are older than us,

To think,

Yeah,

That's going to be me too.

That's going to be me too.

If I'm lucky,

That's going to be me too.

And again,

Remembering that I'm of the nature to grow old,

I cannot escape it.

We don't have to push ourselves so hard that we can also acknowledge where we are,

Right?

You know,

We don't have as much physical stamina as we used to have,

Or again,

That just you have a moment and something just your train of thought,

You're in your train of thought,

And you kind of lose it for a moment.

I have moments where that's happened in the last few years.

Giving a talk where there'll just be a moment,

It's like,

Where was I on that?

And then it'll,

You know,

So far,

It's come back eventually.

But one of these times,

I'm literally going to sit here for hours and go,

I don't know where I was.

Actually,

I think I have done that once on a talk and said,

I don't really remember where I was going.

I mean,

And that's at 59,

Right?

It's not going to get better.

It's only going to get worse.

And I don't want to fear that,

But it is a part of old age.

It's a part of old age,

Right?

So to not be hard on ourselves for these things,

To not push ourselves if we need naps,

If we need a little bit more space in our day,

Which I think we need anyway for our spiritual practice,

But also to acknowledge that just for our age,

Right?

Of what it is that we need,

You know,

To take care of ourselves,

Right?

Not with $200 creams and fillers and implants,

But to take care of ourselves,

To eat healthy food,

To exercise in a way that's appropriate for our body and acknowledging,

Yes,

I am getting older.

It's not going to get better.

So I might as well try and move where I can now in a way that is appropriate for a 59-year-old woman.

And to remember that this is an opportunity.

Getting old is an opportunity to wake up in seeing the grasping of this attachment to our bodies.

As much as we think we don't have that attachment,

It's there,

Right?

This is kind of one of the.

.

.

It's like,

No,

This is me,

Right?

This is what we really claim.

This body is me.

But as we start to see,

As it gets older and we have less control over it and things are breaking down and we are really starting to see the impermanent nature of our bodies,

The impermanent nature of us,

That these are opportunities to wake up,

To wake up.

It doesn't matter what's happening in the body.

If there's no grasping in the mind,

You are at peace.

You are free.

You are liberated.

Liberation is not dependent upon what's happening in the body.

It's dependent upon not being attached to it,

Of removing all the attachments,

Of extinguishing all the grasping,

And enjoying the ride as it's playing out.

The ups and the downs,

The highs and the lows,

The pain and the pleasure,

The joys and the sorrows,

And not getting caught up in any of it.

Yeah,

It's all just part of the ride.

And I'm still here on the ride.

And that's amazing.

That's amazing.

I'm still here in whatever shape or form.

I'm still here.

And I can still love and I can appreciate others and I can have gratitude and connect with other beings and feel the sun on my face and feel the wind on my face that we can still experience this.

And to stay in that,

The experience,

The ever-changing experience,

And letting go of the idea that it shouldn't be happening,

That I shouldn't be aging.

Because every one of us is of the nature to grow old.

We cannot avoid growing old.

And so,

In the Buddha giving us the five remembrances,

He's giving us a gift.

Think about these every day.

Contemplate them.

And for this week in particular,

As we just focus on on growing old,

Notice just those ways that you grasp,

Right?

Notice how when it's time for a photo,

It's like,

Oh,

No,

No,

Not me.

Oh,

I don't look good enough today,

Right?

Notice how we look at ourselves in photos.

Oh,

You know,

All of a sudden wanting to put ourselves down or no,

I don't want to do the FaceTime.

I don't want to do the Zoom.

Notice when we're doing those things and go,

Oh,

There it is again.

Oh,

There it is.

It's so sneaky.

It's so sneaky.

It just comes in.

And there it is.

Okay,

No judgment,

No beating myself up,

Just the conditioning of our culture.

But that's right.

I'm of the nature to grow old.

Yeah,

I cannot escape growing old.

And let the wisdom of those words guide you.

Let the compassion of those words guide you to letting go of your attachments.

Letting go of the grasping,

And I'm using those kind of interchangeably,

I'm meaning the same thing,

So that it can reveal your true nature.

Because as long as we are grasping,

We cannot see what is here.

But the moment we let go,

We're seeing what's here.

We're understanding our true nature,

The spaciousness,

The freedom,

The liberation.

So,

Focusing for this week on I'm of the nature to grow old,

I cannot escape growing old.

And then we'll go through over the next few weeks,

We'll go through the next few weeks,

And then we'll go through over the next few weeks,

We'll go through the other remembrances as well to really dig deep into them,

So that we can really,

Again,

Be clear of where the grasping is happening.

So that if we can see where the grasping is happening,

Then we can see where it is that we need to let go and to wake up in this moment,

The only moment we can wake up in.

Reviews

i’m so glad this talk was saved to listen to again and to share with others. thanks Meredith 💕🩵🌙🐞💕🩵🌙🐞🦋

What a wonderful tribute to the years we have lived and the ability to see through our age to the reality of who we really are. 🙏🏽

Thank you for this amazing reminder about life and our mortality 🙏

Today my old boy cat of 17 years fell sick & I hope he makes it through the night based on vets prognosis. The nature to get old applies to him too & I count my blessings to have such a companion.
The timing of hearing these words was perrrrrrfect! Let's hope Oily makes it but whatever may come, I am humbly thankful.

Namaste 🙏 Meredith
🩵💙💚🤍💜❤️🩷🧡🤍
🪻🌷🌼🌳⚘️🏵🪻🥀🌺