The Spaciousness Of Contentment
In this Dharma talk, we explore the difference between fleeting happiness and the deeper contentment we truly seek. Contentment isn’t found in external achievements but in how we meet each moment with mindfulness, spaciousness, and presence. Learn how to transform even mundane moments into rich, fulfilling experiences and discover the profound ease of knowing this moment is enough.
Transcript
I do want to talk about happiness because I think we could argue that everything that we do is because we think it will bring us happiness or at the very least avoiding something because we think we will avoid unhappiness.
That all of our pursuits are in the name of happiness,
That whether it's our career,
Getting promoted,
Getting bonuses,
Getting recognition,
Getting praise,
Material wealth,
Financial wealth,
Getting new toys,
Just even the little activities that we do during the day,
Where we spend our time,
The people that we spend our time with,
That we could argue that all of this is in the name of thinking that it will bring us closer to happiness or at the very least avoiding unhappiness.
And all of these things do bring us a certain type of happiness,
A temporary type of happiness.
But I think that in our pursuit of these things,
We are thinking in the back of our mind that somehow they're going to bring us a more steady,
A more easy,
Contented satisfaction or satisfied way of being.
That really what we're thinking is that these things that are bringing us short-term happiness are really going to bring us long-term contentment.
And so what I think we're really pursuing is contentment and we should be clear about that.
And while there's nothing wrong with all of the experiences and the jobs and the recognition and all of these things,
While there's nothing wrong with any of those things,
In fact,
That's really what makes up most of our lives.
There's a lot of joy in those things,
But they can't bring us the sense of ease and fulfillment and contentment that we are really looking for.
And so we know how to go for those types of short-term happy moments,
But we don't really know how to be content.
And we don't really even know how to feel contentment.
Because even in those times when we have a busy period in our lives,
Maybe it's a few weeks,
It's a few days,
It's a few hours,
Maybe it was around the holidays.
And in that busyness,
We'll tell ourselves,
I'll be so happy when all of this is over and I can just sit and do nothing.
It's going to be so great.
I'm going to sit there and I'm going to do absolutely nothing.
It's going to be so amazing.
And we say this to ourselves over and over again,
In all the busyness.
And then what happens is the project gets completed,
The event is over,
We're where we needed to be,
There's nothing to do.
And we sit down and we're like,
Oh,
It's all over.
And for a couple of minutes,
We feel good.
There's that sense of,
Ah,
It's done.
I don't have to do anything.
This feels great.
And then we're thinking,
Well,
I didn't really mean nothing.
Like,
What am I going to do now?
Right?
Even when we have those times when there's nothing to do,
When the project is complete,
We have a few moments of rest.
And then we're like,
Well,
What else could I do?
Actually,
You know what?
I should start answering those emails.
Yeah,
I've got those all backed up.
Or I should check up on the news.
Or maybe I should go clean the next project or what it is that I'm going to be doing.
So we don't even know when we have the conditions where there's actually nothing going on.
We don't even know how to feel it.
We don't know how to be good with it.
So what I want to talk about today is contentment,
To really help us understand better what contentment is.
Because while we give,
On one hand,
The description of contentment from a spiritual,
From a Buddhist perspective,
We often describe contentment in the negation,
In kind of negating what it is.
It's the absence of wanting.
It's the absence of not wanting.
So the absence of not wanting or needing anything to add on to this moment,
And the absence of wanting to push something away in this moment.
So it's a state of non-grasping.
But it doesn't really give us the affirmative of what contentment really is.
And so I think what we need is a better definition or a definition that includes the negation of what contentment is,
But also gives us a more affirmative response to what is contentment.
And the definition that I would use to describe contentment is a spaciousness that meets life where it is.
So an opening,
A spaciousness that meets life where it is.
So when we bring our mindfulness practice,
Which we definitely need with this,
With that sense of spaciousness,
With that sense of opening to what it is that's here in this moment,
That we come in to experience this moment the only way that we can experience it through our senses,
Right?
That we're seeing the shapes and the colors and the textures and the and we're hearing the sounds and we're feeling the air temperature,
We're feeling the breeze,
We're feeling where we're sitting,
What the body is doing,
When we're tasting,
When we're smelling,
When we're really fully embodying our experience through our senses,
The only way we can experience this moment is through our senses.
The only way that we can do that is through these five senses.
And that as we add on the senses,
The experience becomes richer and deeper.
So it's not just seeing,
It's seeing and knowing that feeling when you're seeing and you're looking at someone that you love or you're just having around friends and really knowing that feeling that is in your heart,
Right?
As well,
That warmth that comes in,
Right?
And then the sounds that are coming in as well,
Giving more richness,
More of a meaningful sensation in that moment as we add on the different senses,
Right?
That when we're listening to music and then we're not just listening to the sounds,
But we're feeling the sounds,
We feel them coming in,
Right?
And then maybe we're looking around again and we're seeing the different sites,
Right?
And maybe there's some smells that are arising as well.
But through all of this,
There is a richness,
There is a vividness in our experience that there is so much more here than we first took to be.
Because we're typically,
We're looking at our experience,
We're focused in a way of what can I get out of this moment?
How can I feel in this moment?
What should I feel in this moment?
Versus bringing a sense of openness and spaciousness.
What do I feel in this moment?
What do I hear in this moment?
What do I smell in this moment?
What do I see in this moment?
What is this moment?
What is happening in this moment?
So we take our experience from this kind me,
What can I get out of this moment,
Right?
And as we open it up to experience the moment,
The me is no longer here.
And we are experiencing this moment as it is.
So in this way,
Our attention by paying attention in this way,
We open up our experience,
We transform this moment into something very rich and fluid and alive.
And that we know in this moment,
There is enough.
So to understand that contentment is a fully embodied experience,
It's not a concept,
It's not an idea,
It's something to be felt,
It's something to be known directly,
That this is something we want to come in and experience,
Like that is contentment.
Right now,
Contentment is just an idea for us of what it is.
It's not something that we feel,
It's not something that we embody,
Because we look at everything always through this lens of what can I get out of it instead of what is it that's here.
So when we miss all of this,
We miss the richness of the embodied experience,
When we make contentment dependent on external conditions,
Right?
Dependent on it being the end of the project,
The end of the day,
When there's nothing to do,
Then I can be content.
Because we imagine that contentment is something outside of us,
That it's something out there.
The contentment is in here.
It's in the way that we open up to our experience with spaciousness,
Meeting life where it is in this moment.
So when we're sitting and we're just having a cup of tea,
Right?
Instead of thinking,
Oh,
I've got my cup of tea,
Well,
What else?
I better get my phone,
I better get my iPad,
I better get a book,
Right?
Because it's just a cup of tea,
What could possibly be here in just a cup of tea?
But when we remember with mindfulness,
So mindfulness remembering to bring that spaciousness,
That openness to meet life where it is,
To meet this moment where it is,
That we remember,
Oh yes,
Through my senses,
What do I see?
Oh,
The colors of the tea,
The little wisps of,
Not smoke,
But the,
You know,
The tea,
The heat coming off of the tea,
Right?
The color of the cup of the tea,
Right?
The feeling of the warmth of the tea,
Right?
The feeling of maybe you have just completed a big project,
Right?
And that feeling to really you embody it,
That sense of yeah,
And this is nice and I can taste the tea and I can smell the tea,
And in that drinking a cup of tea becomes a beautiful embodied experience,
And we know in that moment,
This moment is enough.
Or if we're doing the dishes,
And again,
We always think like,
Oh,
Doing the dishes,
I've got to get through the dishes because my contentment is on the other side of the dishes,
I've got a race to get to the next thing,
My contentment is over there,
Right?
Because this is what we think,
But then we remember,
Right?
Remembering mindfulness and bringing that sense of spaciousness to meet life where it is,
Dishes is what's happening,
A meal was just had,
Dishes are now happening,
And we bring that sense of spaciousness and openness to experience it the only way we can through our senses,
And we start to,
You know,
Feel the warmth of the water as we're cleaning the dishes,
Right?
We're hearing the sounds,
Maybe the sounds of the people that are still there,
Maybe you had a dinner party,
Maybe it was after a holiday meal,
And all the people that you love,
They're still here,
And you hear the sounds,
Right?
And then all of a sudden,
That feeling is there too,
All of this giving a richness to this moment,
This is special,
We're all alive,
We're here,
This is amazing,
Right?
And the smells,
Maybe the smells of the soap or the smells of the meal,
Or someone's making some coffee now,
Right?
And all of this together giving a richness to this moment,
Where a moment ago,
You were racing to get through this because you thought contentment was on the other side,
And what you're feeling in this moment is this is contentment,
Doing the dishes,
This moment is enough,
Right?
Contentment,
We tend to think of contentment as it's not doing anything,
Right?
That it's a state of being static,
Of passiveness,
Right?
But contentment is an active engagement in life,
No matter where we are,
Right?
We're getting into bed at the end of the night,
Right?
How we race through the whole day,
And even getting into bed,
We're still racing,
Contentment will be,
You know,
In the next moment.
But even there,
Just feeling like,
Oh,
I'm in bed,
It's warm,
I've got my comforter on me,
I can feel my,
You know,
You can feel your body sinking in,
Right?
It's dark,
There's nothing,
There is nothing to do,
But you can feel,
You can feel in your body,
Which I always recommend as we go to bed,
Like feel what's here,
Oh yeah,
I can feel what's here and let be,
You know,
Let whatever it is that's here,
Be here,
I can open to it,
I can bring spaciousness to it.
And even in that,
This moment is enough,
This moment is enough.
But we're always missing this moment,
We're racing through,
Because for so much of our lives,
So much of our lives really is made up of mundane moments,
Right?
We have the exciting moments,
And we have the challenging moments,
We have the difficult moments as well,
But the bulk of our lives are just mundane moments.
We're just going about our day,
Doing the dishes,
Paying the bills,
Showering,
Brushing our teeth,
Just doing ordinary things.
But we're running through so much of it,
Because we keep believing that contentment is on the other side of it,
Because contentment is when there's nothing to do.
And that's,
Contentment is not dependent upon the external world.
It's about how are we meeting this moment?
Are we meeting it with grasping?
What can I get out of this moment?
What can I push away from this moment?
Or are we open to it?
Are we recognizing,
Yes,
If I bring an open spaciousness and meet life where it is,
Because millions and trillions of conditions arising and all the conditions of this one arising,
This is what's here in this moment,
This is what's happening,
This moment.
And then the more that I open up to it,
What I find is there is a richness,
There is an aliveness to this moment.
There's a contentment in this moment.
Even if I'm running to catch the plane,
And I'm late,
But my mind isn't reaching ahead and thinking,
Oh no,
What if I miss it?
And what's going to happen?
And what does this mean?
Or going back,
Why was I late?
Why was I delayed?
Instead of just running,
And let's see if we get there.
Even that,
There is a contentment,
Right?
We're not chasing something.
There's a sense of ease and peace within.
And this is that sense of ease,
Of contentment,
Of peace that I would suggest is the highest form of happiness outside of enlightenment.
So in the worldly sense,
The highest type form of happiness.
It's not dependent upon anything.
It's simply dependent upon what we are bringing to the table,
Of really how we are paying attention to this moment.
So if our definition of contentment is a state of non-grasping,
Of not reaching out for anything,
Of not pushing anything away,
And it is the open spaciousness,
Meeting life where it is,
Then we also have to recognize that contentment also means that there's going to be unpleasant moments,
That we are going to experience unpleasant conditions as well,
That we're going to experience uncertainty,
Right?
Because we imagine that,
No,
Well,
If I'm content,
Like we'll be content for a while,
And we're thinking everything's going along really well.
And we're really in the moment,
We feel good.
And then we get some news,
Some things,
You know,
Maybe we've been diagnosed with something,
Someone else has been,
We're going through a breakup,
Something challenging is happening,
And there's a lot of uncertainty now.
The uncertainty is always there,
It's just,
We can kind of fool ourselves for a while,
But it's not.
And so all of a sudden,
Something comes up that's very uncertain.
Maybe it's someone we love,
And they're sick.
And then we think immediately,
We go right back into the grasping,
This shouldn't be happening,
Right?
Instead of opening up to this,
Oh yes,
If my definition of contentment is still non-grasping,
But if it is also an open spaciousness to meet life where it is,
Then how can I meet this uncertainty in this moment?
How can I open up and breathe and feel this and allow this experience to unfold?
And even though it's scary,
And I'm afraid,
And there's sadness,
And there's grief,
Or there's disappointment,
Whatever it is that's here,
That I can be here with all of this and feel it,
And open my heart to it and allow it to be here.
And in that,
In being with the uncertainty,
Creating a spaciousness to this moment,
Because this is what's here,
In this moment,
We're meeting life where it is in this moment.
So when we're here with it,
What we find is that,
Oh,
In here also is compassion,
Maybe to myself,
Or compassion for someone else,
Kindness for myself,
Kindness for someone else,
Tenderness for myself,
Tenderness for someone else,
That all of these things are here.
And there's a richness to this moment,
It's not quite the same,
It's not the same,
Because it's not the same experience,
It's different conditions,
But we're fully here with it.
And there is a sense of ease when we're not fighting it,
And when we're opening up to all that it is in this moment,
All of this moment,
Experiencing it as it is.
Or if we're feeling some physical discomfort,
Right,
Or some other type of mental or emotional,
Any type of discomfort,
Really opening up to it,
And allowing it to be here,
Yes,
This is what's here,
This is what's here,
And I can open my heart to what's here,
And I can create some space,
And I can let go of the labels of pain,
And that this shouldn't be happening,
And I can just allow this to be,
And I can bring my attention fully to the sensations,
Allowing them to move,
Because they are impermanent,
They are moving,
Even in acute pain,
Right,
There's little moments where it gets intense,
And then it backs off,
And we're there with it,
With such a kindness,
Such a softness,
Such a tenderness,
That we're so open,
We're so open to it.
And it's beautiful when we're meeting life where it is.
There's,
It shifts the way we experience the world,
Not in this way of,
Okay,
This life is good now,
And then,
Oh,
No,
No,
No,
Life is bad,
But we're understanding more the fluidity of life,
We're understanding the ups and downs of life,
Right,
There's greater,
The more that we can be with our challenging moments,
The more that we can be with our difficulty,
Truly being with it in the present moment,
Opening our hearts,
Opening with our breath,
Right,
Allowing it to be,
The more that we can do that,
The more we appreciate those good moments,
Right,
The more we recognize how precious they are,
Yes,
I don't have any physical pain right now,
This is amazing,
Right,
Or I'm not having any particular challenges right now,
I know that's not going to last,
Because that's not the way the world is,
Right,
We live in a world of opposites,
Pain and pleasure,
Highs and lows,
Gain and loss,
Right,
This is the reality of the world we live in,
But we flow more with it,
And we can still remain contented in our hearts,
Because we're living more in tune with wisdom and compassion,
More peacefully,
More harmoniously.
So,
When we have a good definition of contentment,
I think that's partly what we miss,
Right,
It's not just what it's not,
It's not grasping,
It's a state of non-grasping,
But what is it?
And I would suggest,
And what works for me and play with this as best,
You know,
What works for you,
Make sure that you have a good definition for the affirmative,
Right,
And that the affirmative is not something that is static,
Because contentment is fluid,
It is a spaciousness that is meeting life where it is,
So it acts as a guide for us to continuously keep opening us up in each moment,
Oh,
That's right,
I closed up for a moment,
No problem,
We all do,
No problem,
Right,
We never beat ourselves up,
Just oh,
I was grasping for a moment,
No problem,
And now I've remembered mindfulness,
Oh yes,
Spaciousness to meet this moment as it is,
Right,
And start to use the senses to look around,
Hear the sounds,
Right,
Feel that,
Feel that perfume of this moment in the air,
Not just the smell,
But even the residue of you're at the end of a meal,
And sometimes when we get to this at the end of the meal,
You've been with a couple people,
And you're just kind of waiting for the check,
And we can feel that grasping,
Wanting to come in,
And I've got to get to the next moment,
My contentment is on the other side of this,
But even that,
We recognize it and go,
Oh yes,
And then the perfume of,
Oh yes,
And I'm here with people that I love,
And all of a sudden,
We're open again,
Right,
And we're remembering,
Yes,
This is okay,
This moment has,
This moment is enough,
This moment is enough,
So it keeps bringing us back,
So it's,
So again,
That the definition is also acting as a guide to keep bringing us back in the moment,
So that we,
As we're just going about our day,
We keep remembering mindfulness,
We need mindfulness,
We need mindfulness because our default is to grasp,
So we need to keep remembering,
No,
I want to keep meeting each moment with a spaciousness,
With an openness to what it is that's here,
Right,
So each time we do that,
We get that sense of,
Oh yes,
This moment is alive,
A moment ago,
I was just lost in my thoughts,
And now I'm feeling this moment,
Feeling the perfume,
Right,
The sense of the love,
Of the connection,
Of whatever it is that's going on,
Just even the getting ready to come on a call,
When I was just getting ready to come on this a few minutes ago,
You know,
And there's that little sense of that feeling of,
I'm about to come on and be with all of you,
And that's in the air,
It's like it's something that's here,
It's a richness,
And I feel it,
Right,
And so you're,
It's not necessarily that everything is right there in front of you,
There's a sense of what it is,
The moment,
That the specialness of what's around this moment,
Of what it is that's arising,
And to remember that we can also just remember that breath,
That mindful breath,
Right,
When we breathe in,
And we really feel the breath moving through our body,
And we feel that sense of the breath not wanting anything,
Not needing anything,
And we know that spaciousness of the breath,
And that sense of not needing,
Not wanting,
That this is enough,
This breath is enough,
Right,
And it naturally starts to slow us down,
Right,
As we're generally rushing through our day,
Or rushing through our activities,
Or multitasking,
Right,
We're maybe cooking dinner,
And we've got a podcast going,
And then you've got to respond to some texts,
And in that moment we can remember,
Oh hang on,
Hang on,
I do need to,
Maybe you need to respond to someone,
But you're remembering a spaciousness that you want to come to,
You want to meet this moment as it is,
You want to meet life as it is,
And so maybe you can just turn the temperature down on the stove,
Or in the oven for a moment,
Turn the podcast off,
And then just really be there in that moment of responding to the text,
Right,
You're communicating with someone,
This isn't,
Like we then tend to think,
Well no,
If I'm on my phone,
There can't be contentment there,
And I mean definitely,
If we're mindless on our phone,
Of course we know there's usually 99% of the time,
There's a lot of grasping in the phone,
But when we're bringing that sense of openness and spaciousness to meeting this moment,
This moment is using the phone and communicating with someone,
And it transforms that moment,
It's not a stressful moment anymore,
It's not a grasping moment anymore,
It's not a,
Oh,
The phone was something bad,
Right,
It's like,
No,
I had to communicate with someone,
And now I can put the phone down,
And instead of putting the podcast back on,
I'm just going to stay with making the dinner,
Because in cooking the dinner,
Right,
I can smell the smells,
Maybe you're preparing a nice meal for yourself,
Maybe for your partner,
Maybe for your kids or friends,
Right,
And there's that perfume in the air of those that you love,
Right,
Maybe there was someone that was in that recipe that shared it with you,
And all of a sudden that starts to,
Oh,
Yes,
And I remember who shared this recipe with me,
Right,
And they're all of a sudden in the air,
Right,
And as you're moving about,
You know,
And you're feeling where you are,
You're seeing the beautiful colors,
You're seeing the textures,
You're hearing the sound of the sizzles,
Right,
Or the plates as you're setting them down,
And you're fully there,
And you're realizing,
Wow,
This moment is so rich,
There's so much here.
I thought the contentment was going to come once I finished making the meal,
But actually the contentment was right here.
Once I started,
Once I stopped the multitasking,
Once I turned off the podcast,
Once I turned off all the other things that I was doing,
And I just was doing one thing at a time,
I find it naturally lends itself to one thing at a time,
Right,
As we open up,
Right,
And we recognize that contentment was never out there.
It was never in the next moment.
That was just going to be an endless chasing,
Endless chasing,
The carrot just always dangling in front of us,
Right?
The contentment is an active engagement in life.
It's actively opening to this moment,
Whatever it is,
Bringing a skillful response,
A wise response,
A compassionate response to what it is that's arising in this moment,
Knowing that how this moment is arising is changing and changing and changing,
But we can keep a constant thread of contentment through all of those changes by being fully open to what it is that's here,
Enjoying the highs.
Absolutely,
No one should deny the highs.
They're fun.
Enjoy them.
Enjoy the chocolate cake.
Enjoy the recognition.
Enjoy the bonus.
Enjoy all of those things,
Right?
The joy of laughter with friends,
Like enjoy all of those things,
But when we enjoy them with contentment as the thread,
Right,
Then we also don't find that sense of deflation when the high is gone.
It's just,
Oh yeah,
That was nice.
That was good,
Right?
And when the conditions change and when we're going through something difficult,
And we remember,
Yes,
I can open to this too.
I can bring the sense of spaciousness and openness to this as well because this is where life is.
This is what's arising,
All the conditions,
And I can be with this too.
So we want to make sure that our definition is teaching us how to keep opening to this moment,
Using our mindfulness practice and really recognizing what we really want.
And I would ask you to explore this on your own,
But in my own experience and in working with many,
Many people,
I feel fairly confident in saying what we really want is contentment,
Is peace,
Right?
And I often use the word peace,
But it is that sense of ease,
That sense of wholeness,
That sense of I'm okay.
And the way that we get that is to fully embody and experience the present moment as it is arising,
And to keep coming back to it and keep coming back to it,
To not be upset with ourselves.
If we had a moment where we weren't there,
That's okay,
That's part of the process.
To just keep opening up again and again to what it is that's here in this moment,
Really fully embodying the experience of life.
And how we embody it is through our senses,
To really come in and experience it directly,
To experience the beauty and the fluidity and the flow of this,
But to feel it through a sense of spaciousness and ease.
I mean,
Contentment is the,
In fact,
What the Buddha says,
Contentment is the greatest wealth.
It is the greatest wealth.
Very Zen,
Sandy,
Yes.
It's the greatest wealth.
And it was always right here.
It was always right here.
It was never out there.
It was here.
So I think when we are clear on what it is that's most important,
Contentment,
Peace,
Right?
Recognizing that if we work on that,
If we make that,
You know,
What we're really being clear,
If we're very clear about that being the type of happiness that we're seeking,
I think all of the other happinesses are just icing on the cake,
Are just icing on the cake.
And it really helps bring a richness to our spiritual practice,
To our mindfulness practice,
To the present moment.
It just really teaches us how,
How to embody the present moment,
To really know and experience and see what is going on here,
To open up to what is going on here instead of closing down and not seeing what is really here.
But we want to open up instead to embrace all that is here.
This moment is enough.
It is always enough when we come to this moment with a sense of spaciousness,
Welcoming life where it is.
And as you were saying back there,
I think it was Simon was saying back there,
Surrender,
And JG was saying acceptance,
Like,
Yeah,
That's all of that in here.
It's all of it.
And hi,
Simon.
I think that's Simon too.
And I'll just go back now to some of the questions here from Emily.
Oh,
Thank you,
Jackie.
Yeah.
So,
I hope that makes sense,
That really just that understanding.
It's not nothing.
Contentment isn't the absence of things to do.
It's a state that we are in internally and how we show up and how we pay attention to the world.
And that changes everything in how we feel.
So,
Okay.
And then I'll come back to Emily.
Sorry,
Michelle.
Yeah,
We still have goals in contentment.
Absolutely.
Like,
It's not one or the other.
You know,
Still have goals,
Still have things that we want to do,
Things that we want to accomplish because that's part of life.
There's joy in that,
But not imagining at the end of the goal that I'm going to feel complete at the end because that's how we approach goals today.
If I can just lose that last 10 pounds,
Then I'll finally be happy.
If I can just have a certain amount of money in the bank,
Then I can be happy.
If I can just get to that next promotion,
Then I'll be happy,
Right?
Because we know what happens when we get there.
We feel good for a few minutes,
Maybe a few days,
Depending upon how big the goal was.
And then it goes away and we're thinking,
Oh,
Now I want the next promotion.
Now I need a little,
No,
Actually I need a little bit more money in the bank.
No,
I actually,
Now I find I lost those 10 pounds,
But actually I needed to lose 12 pounds,
Right?
Or actually I needed to firm up or I needed this.
It's never ending,
Right?
So we want to make sure that we have our goals in the context of understanding,
Like,
They are experiences to be had.
And I always frame it like this.
When you know what it is that's most important,
And very much we're talking about the question that I ask in the meditation,
What is it that's most important to you?
What is it that you intrinsically want to feel to know,
Right?
And peace is the most common answer.
And peace I would put very much in line with,
I mean,
Maybe there's slight differences,
But I would say pretty much contentment is describing peace.
Even all of the words that we're using to describe this,
What it is we most want,
Even it's connection,
Love,
It's really this state of being okay,
This state of feeling complete,
Of feeling whole,
Right?
And so when we understand that that is what we really want,
That that's our primary objective,
Okay,
This is what I want,
Or enlightenment,
This is what I want,
This is what's most important to me.
What I would say is all of the goals or external goals are secondary to that.
So if you have goals in your career,
If you have goals with a partner,
If you have goals with your finances,
If you have health goals,
You know,
Whatever those goals are,
They are secondary to what it is you most want.
Because if you are focusing,
Because the problem is too,
If you take your attention off of the goal of feeling internally okay,
And you start grasping at wealth,
At health,
At fame,
All of a sudden,
You have just taken what you thought was most important,
It has gone fallen so far down,
And now you're back in the grasping in the cycle of suffering.
That's all it does is pull you right back into it.
Instead of going,
Okay,
My intention is peace,
My intention is contentment,
I want to live a more content life.
You still want to have excitement too,
Right?
Of course we do,
Those moments are still going to come,
Right?
Moments when you see some friends you haven't seen for a while,
Or you're having that piece of chocolate cake,
Or you're just off on some adventure,
Right?
You'll still have those moments.
And the goals,
What it is that you're doing for your goals,
You're still here in the present moment with them.
And you're not putting all of your happiness making it dependent upon achieving that goal,
But instead,
The joy is still in doing.
Wherever you are along that spectrum,
The time spectrum of completing that goal,
You haven't put your happiness towards the end of it.
You're saying,
No,
I can be happy here now.
And when I get to the completion of this project,
Yeah,
That'll feel good too.
And I will enjoy that feeling,
Right?
You'll enjoy that feeling of that sense of accomplishment,
That sense of recognition,
Maybe the praise,
Maybe the financial rewards that go with it.
You will enjoy that,
And you will enjoy them more fully.
Because as that feeling starts to wane,
Right,
The newness of having completed the project,
The newness of the praise of the recognition,
Right?
As you start to become more used to the new,
The money in the bank,
Right?
We adapt very quickly to that.
As that all starts to wear,
Right,
Fade,
Right?
We don't come crashing down,
Right?
Instead,
It's just,
Yeah,
That was really good.
And that was a good thing.
And that was good.
That was a good experience to have,
To accomplish something like that was really good.
But my peace,
My contentment was never dependent upon that.
It couldn't be.
Those external goals cannot bring you peace and contentment,
Because they're all working off of the motivation reward pathway.
And the motivation reward pathway isn't about getting the thing,
Right?
You get,
You're getting the dope,
I'm sorry,
Kind of jumping ahead on the like the dopamine that we're getting through the motivation reward pathway that gives us the energy,
The focus,
The drive to kind of go and get the reward.
The reward,
You know,
The rewards were meant to be things like food,
Water,
Shelter,
Partners,
You know,
Mates,
Safety.
That was like the survival thing,
Right?
But now we have turned all of the,
Just reaching for our phone is a little short term reward.
Oh,
Maybe someone texted me,
Maybe,
Because if someone texted me,
Then maybe that means I'm important.
Let me check,
Right?
And,
Oh,
For a minute,
I feel important.
Oh,
Look at this,
Someone just texted me.
And then how quickly that feeling fades.
Oh,
Hang on,
I felt good a minute ago.
What was going on?
Oh,
Yeah,
I got a text.
Maybe I can get a text from someone else,
Right?
And now we're grasping and we're trying to create conditions to feel good for just temporary states.
So it is understanding,
It's understanding that contentment,
From my perspective,
Is the thread that should run through our lives.
If we want to feel good,
If we want to feel that sense of ease,
That sense of spaciousness,
That sense of peace,
That that is up there.
For whatever word you use to describe,
I would,
And even as I'm saying contentment,
I think which is what so much of us are looking for,
Contentment,
Peace,
I'll use those words interchangeably.
I would argue this is what most of us really want,
Right?
The highs will still be there and they will be fun and you will enjoy them and no problem.
And enjoy the latte,
Enjoy the tea,
Enjoy the glass of water,
Right?
All of those little moments,
Right?
Enjoy them all.
But throughout them,
A consistency that you're okay,
That this moment is enough.
We're reaching out for these temporary states,
These goals as though they're going to bring us the state of contentment that they cannot bring.
It's physically,
It's biologically impossible based on the arranging of our brain,
The neural networks.
And we know in our own experience that none of these things have brought us lasting happiness,
That we're just racing from one thing to the next.
And what we are racing through,
What we are missing as we're racing is our lives,
The richness of this moment,
The feel,
As I was saying,
The perfume of the friends still hanging out as you're paying for the check or as you're doing the dishes after a dinner party.
We're missing the taste of life because we put so much emphasis on the goals.
The goals still,
You won't lose your drive to do things.
I mean,
You don't lose your drive to do things.
It's just that it's not from a state of grasping.
It's not from this state of deceit that somehow I'm going to be a different person if I have this.
If I have an extra… I mean,
There is something to be said for a certain amount of economic wealth,
Right?
There is definitely something to be said for having a roof over your head,
Having food in the fridge,
Having a certain amount of money in the bank.
There is definitely something to be said for that.
And there is a point,
And I don't know what the numbers are now based on inflation,
But it used to be if you made $75,
000 a year,
Like going from $50,
000 a year in the US to $75,
000.
I think this was like 15,
20 years ago.
That $25,
000 extra year could bring a big jump of happiness in your life because you're no longer struggling to survive.
Yes,
That could have an impact on you.
But once you get to that 75,
Right?
And then you're surviving,
Right?
You do just get used to it after a while,
Right?
And it is better than being back down to the $50,
000 income.
And you're probably then still just striving for the next and the next pay raise and the next pay raise.
But the increments of happiness based on the income gains are almost,
You know,
They're so tiny.
They're so tiny.
You know,
We imagine everyone who's wealthy is incredibly happy.
And I mean,
That is just not the case.
It's not the case.
I know in my own experience,
I worked in the financial world for 25 years.
I was a partner in a hedge fund.
I can tell you,
Even I talked with some of my friends that are still hedge fund managers.
And they say like,
Oh,
This is a brutal world.
I'm like,
I have nightmares of going back into that world.
You couldn't pay me enough money to go back into that world.
Yes,
Simon,
Health is true wealth and mental health,
Emotional health,
Contentment health is the true wealth.
Especially,
So there is that difference.
Of course,
If you're not surviving,
There is a difference that these material things can bring you.
But I would argue for those of us that are here on this call,
The fact that you've been able to take time out of your day or your evening to be on a Dharma talk,
You've survived.
We may not be millionaires or have tons of money in the bank,
But we have enough that we can take time out of our day to be on a call like this,
That we have survived.
And so the goals and the things that we are looking to do aren't going to have the huge impact that we are thinking that they're going to have.
The bigger impact is going to be finding the contentment that is here in this moment.
And then out of that contentment in this moment,
And I would suggest that there's greater creativity in that moment,
That as you're going for your goals,
That when something doesn't go the way that you're expecting,
You're much more resilient.
Because it wasn't,
Oh my God,
This had to work.
If I messed this up,
Then I'm not going to be this complete whole person that I imagined myself to be at the end of the project.
Instead,
It's like,
Oh,
Okay,
I can see this isn't working.
I need to come up with something new,
Right?
To feel the disappointment,
Be with it,
Not jump over it.
But then to recognize like there wasn't a me tied up in it,
In how I was going to feel at the end of this.
It was just,
Oh yeah,
This isn't going the way that I thought.
So it's enjoying the journey,
Right?
Enjoying the building of the business,
Enjoying the creating of the project,
Enjoying all of the stages of it.
The beginning part,
Which has that kind of big burst of creativity and the big burst of dopamine,
The new idea,
And oh,
This is kind of fun.
And then as we get through the middle parts,
Which tend to be a little bit more challenging for us,
Longer term goals,
We don't get really the dopamine hits for that.
But because we're not grasping at needing this to happen,
We're able to be present with it.
We're able to still feel peace and happiness in this moment.
And then when the project is completed or the goal is completed,
You do still feel that sense of joy.
You do feel that sense of accomplishment,
Right?
And it's appreciated.
You recognize all of the hard work that was put into it.
But it's not this,
You get struggle,
Struggle,
Struggle,
Big,
Big,
Big high and then crashing down.
It's you're content,
You're this is nice,
This feels really good.
And then you're just back content.
I'm still content in the high of the excitement.
So yeah,
It's not about denying external goals,
External rewards about doing things,
But it is about prioritizing what's most important.
Yeah,
And just as Sandy was saying,
His relative was wealthy and was not really happy,
Always worried about his investments.
Yeah,
The more you have,
The more you've got to worry about,
Right?
The more you've got to protect.
And charge is what you're saying too is safety,
Right?
So much of what we want is safety,
Right?
That we feel if I have a certain amount of money in the bank,
I'll feel safe.
If I have a certain amount of followers,
I'll feel safe.
If I have a certain number of degrees,
I'll feel safe,
Right?
The lot of this trying to give us a sense of safety.
We are never more safe.
Everyone right here,
We are safe right now.
And if you think,
If you are safe in this moment,
And if you think you're going to find more safety in the future by adding on more external things,
If you're safe in this moment,
All that's going to happen when you get to that is you're going to want more.
It's got to be like the influencers where they have millions of followers and they think,
Oh,
They'll get a million followers,
I'll feel so good when I get to a million.
And then they get there.
And it's like,
Oh,
No,
You know,
2 million sounds really good.
Then they're grasping at 2 million,
Then 3 million.
And their whole world is about creating content to try and get these followers that aren't really bringing them that sense of satisfaction that they thought it was going to bring them.
If you cannot feel,
If you cannot be happy in this moment,
Does not matter what you bring on in the external.
If you're safe in this moment,
It does not matter what you add on,
You will not feel any more safe or secure in the future based on external things.
That is just a lie that we tell ourselves.
It doesn't mean that we don't do the things on the external,
But focusing on focusing on what's most important,
This is the primary,
My contentment,
My peace.
And like we're going to talk about tomorrow for the half-day mindfulness retreat,
I mean,
I would say what's most important for me is my spiritual path,
Right?
Because that is to me,
Peace,
That is contentment,
That is enlightenment,
It's all of that,
Right?
Knowing this is what's most important,
Right?
Everything else is secondary,
Tertiary,
Right?
And then when you put,
But I still need to earn a living,
I'm earning a living,
I'm working right now,
Right?
And I'm doing what I love,
And I'm not,
And I'm still,
I still have things that are planned,
I have the retreat tomorrow that's planned,
I have the retreat in Mexico,
For any of you,
It's up on my insight timer page,
For any of you interested in coming to a silent retreat down in Mexico,
I've got that in a few months,
So no,
I still put things out there,
I'm not going to be,
I don't plan that there's going to be someone different here,
Like,
Oh,
It's going to be so different,
You know,
When I get to the end of this,
No,
Because it's just,
I mean,
I will be different,
I will,
We're different moment by moment,
But I don't imagine that there's something that these external things are going to do to me,
That are going to somehow fundamentally make me more enlightened,
In fact,
Just the opposite,
Just the opposite,
Just the opposite,
Right?
They take me further away from what it is that's most important.
So it's aligning our goals properly,
It's really aligning our goals properly,
We tend to put all of the external goals up first,
And then we think that all of those things are going to bring us the contentment and peace,
And what we find again,
And again,
And again,
Every time we hit those goals,
They didn't deliver.
And then we just think to ourselves,
Well,
I probably was just imagining the wrong goal,
I think I needed to,
I think it's this goal now,
I think it's this thing now.
And so,
You know,
We keep putting all of our hopes in these things that keep failing to deliver.
I mean,
You know,
It's amazing how bad the advice that we're giving ourselves,
Like if you were going,
If you were paying someone for this advice,
You'd stop going and seeing them,
You would say,
My God,
They give me terrible advice,
Every time I get those things,
I feel good for a little while,
And then that aching hole comes back.
Because we're operating out of a ignorant view.
And so this is really just trying to align our priorities,
And more in alignment with reality.
And so that we recognize,
No,
The contentment and the peace,
Which I really do believe most people really do want,
This is what we're searching for on the outside,
It's just that feeling of that sense of ease in this moment of being awake to this moment of feeling the richness in this moment of feeling the aliveness in this moment,
Right,
The feeling the safety that we do experience in this moment,
Right,
The security that we are feeling right now in this moment,
Nobody knows the future,
But we're feeling it now.
And to feel that and really fully embody that.
And then everything else that flows from there is just all icing on the cake,
Experiences to be had,
Experiences to be had,
But not that they're going to fundamentally wake us up,
They're not,
They're going to,
If we make the external goals our priority,
We keep falling asleep,
We keep falling asleep.
And we don't find the peace and contentment that was always here,
All along,
Always right here.
Yeah,
Yeah,
Thanks,
Tanya and Emily,
Yeah,
Thanks.
So,
Sandy,
You're having some nice weather up in Canada right now,
Sounds like,
Oh,
Sorry.
And Jackie,
Just to your point,
And I'm going to scroll back,
I know there's some further comments,
But just to your point too,
It's living above your means,
Right?
This is what so many people are doing,
Taking out credit card debt and loans and driving expensive cars that they can't afford,
Because they're trying to even,
You know,
They're trying to fool themselves.
Oh,
I'll get this BMW,
Even though I can barely afford the payments,
Because I'm going to be so happy driving around in it.
And you will be,
You know,
It will bring a certain amount of happiness and yes,
It will,
But it will be fleeting,
Right?
It will be fleeting and then trying to make those payments and then you feel,
Oh,
I could never leave this job,
Because in fact,
I do need to get that promotion now,
Because I need to cover those payments.
And I really can't afford for one thing to break over here,
Because I've stretched myself so thin,
We don't even realize the stress that we add on by living above our means.
It's a great point,
Jackie,
Thank you.
Thank you,
Sue,
Thanks.
Okay,
Michelle,
So hopefully that made sense,
Okay.
Yeah,
Sandy,
Those little red dots in our communication,
That's a link to dopamine.
As soon as we see someone's,
If we're sending a text and dot,
Dot,
Dot,
Everything that they do in most technology apps,
Right?
Because the goal of every app is to keep us on it.
That's the goal.
The more that we stay on the app,
The more data that they can collect on us,
The more they can sell that to advertisers that can advertise to us at that just that right moment when they know we're at our weakest,
Right?
They know so much about us.
And just those little dots,
Oh,
Someone's replying,
I better stay,
I better wake,
I could be something really important,
Right?
All of these ways that they keep us here and thinking that the phone,
You know,
Something,
How many times a day do we reach for the phone?
Thinking that I'm going to find contentment in the phone,
My God,
Like we genuinely think that,
Right?
And that they know when we're doing things like,
Like they know,
So all of the technology companies,
They know what they are targeting,
Loneliness,
So connection,
A lot of social media apps are about connection,
Text,
Emails,
That's about I'm important,
So I'm feeling that sense of connection.
Of course,
They're dealing with stress and anxiety.
They're,
What are some of the other ones?
Oh,
I was just reading a good book on this.
But we know that every little part of these apps is connecting into something that we're feeling not whole inside,
We're feeling some distress about,
And then the app is going to have the solution for us.
And so,
And then when we get on the app,
The app,
The whole,
The app's whole purpose is to keep our attention there,
To keep us distracted into the app.
So,
Yeah,
I mean,
The phones themselves are not contentment machines.
And yet,
We don't want to throw the phones out.
We don't want to,
I mean,
Many of you are probably on your phone right now,
I'm using my phone to record this,
So I can put this up later on insight timer.
We don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater either.
And,
You know,
Because of insight timer app,
We're all together here.
So there's a lot of good with technology as well,
A lot of good,
And to be able to communicate with people much more easily,
More cheap,
You know,
In a much cheaper way,
More readily,
Of course,
It's fantastic.
But it does come with a downside.
And we have to recognize that these technology companies have spent millions,
Hundreds of millions of dollars,
With people in fMRI machines,
Doing different things on the phones,
What's lighting up there,
What's happening there,
Oh,
That one person stayed on longer,
Really trying to understand the neural networks of how we keep,
We get drawn in,
And we stay on these products.
And that is the opposite of contentment.
Because,
And someone had said back there,
I think it was a beer,
Like the doom scrolling,
Right?
They know,
Once we get into it,
Because you feel so bad already,
You feel so bad,
All the comparing,
You can't help it.
You can't help it,
Your lizard brain.
Once you're going,
You know,
You're starting to scroll,
You can only see so many staged images of people.
And these are so staged.
I mean,
They are so staged.
They are not reality.
I mean,
Even,
Even,
I know we're going off on a little tangent here.
But there's this whole genre of videos on YouTube of people living a quote,
Unquote,
Simple life.
It's like,
Oh,
Me living alone in the woods,
Me living alone in the mountains.
And,
And they have millions of views,
Millions of views,
People are following these,
I've seen a couple of them because,
And they're very engaging,
Because you're just seeing someone walking along a meadow,
You're seeing someone just sitting and having a cup of tea,
You're seeing what you imagine contentment looks like,
Not being content,
But you're watching it.
And of course,
What we're not seeing,
If anyone is filming their life,
It is not a simple life.
I mean,
How much time and thought,
Where am I going to put the camera there?
And I'm going to walk along peacefully,
I'm going to go back and look.
No,
That didn't look quite right.
Let me go walk again.
Oh,
No,
The sun wasn't quite right.
Let me go do this again.
Now let me edit it.
Right.
So I mean,
It's not simple.
It's not simple at all.
It's not a simple life.
But we,
We so you know,
We'll,
We so believe the images that we see,
Right,
Whether it's on YouTube,
Whether it's on Instagram,
On TikTok,
On Facebook,
Where everyone's kind of trying to show this image of what they want people to see them as probably how they wish they saw themselves as well.
And your brain cannot handle that amount of seeing everyone else's highlight reel,
Without feeling badly about yourself.
So then you're,
You are doom scrolling,
Because you feel terrible.
But if you were to put the phone down,
It would feel even worse.
It would feel even worse.
It's so hard at that point to put the phone down,
Even though you feel terrible.
Like you're trying,
You think you're putting off the pain,
But you're enduring,
You're,
You're extending the pain by staying on there.
And so phones,
Internet,
YouTube,
Netflix,
Social media,
All of these things,
In and of themselves,
They are not bad.
And I don't think we throw the baby out with the bathwater.
But when we are clear that contentment,
Peace,
Enlightenment,
Connection,
Love,
Belonging,
Whatever word you use,
And I would still say all of those,
What we're really looking for is that feeling of being complete and being whole.
Whatever word you use to describe it,
It helps us to remember,
Like when we're reaching for something,
Why am I reaching for this?
What do I think I'm going to find in this?
And we can pause for a moment,
We can take that mindful breath.
And we can bring that sense of spaciousness to meet this moment where it is.
Oh,
Let me look around,
Let me hear the sounds.
Let me feel what's here.
And then we can in that moment go,
Yeah,
There was,
There was nothing in this moment.
There's nothing in the next moment that's not in this moment.
It's always in this moment,
But we're just we kind of,
We get,
We get,
Someone also put the word brainwashed.
We get brainwashed into this stuff.
It's very much,
It's very much,
We are,
We like,
We turned into zombies.
The fact that people walk around big cities on their phones and they've had to change something to do with the street or the,
You know,
With the crosswalks because people were getting hit.
They would walk across the street on their phones.
I mean,
Talk about,
You know,
We're so locked into our phones that you would walk out into traffic right?
I mean,
This is not helpful.
So the phones have their place,
They have their place,
They can be useful,
But we don't want to become a slave to them.
And they are definitely not bringing us contentment if we,
If we are letting them use us.
So,
And things that,
You know,
Definitely I would suggest don't have notifications on,
Turn the ringer off.
I mean,
Unless you're,
You know,
Unless someone needs to get ahold of you that day.
I mean,
I'll turn my ringer on sometimes if I'm expecting something and I've said like,
Hey,
You know,
Call me.
And I'm always so shocked then when the phone rings,
Like,
Oh,
What's that sound again?
Because I don't ever get the ringer.
But definitely to turn the notifications off and just to even notice then,
Because then there can be that tendency,
Well,
I better go look now,
I'm not getting the notifications.
But just to notice like how quickly,
How quickly it's like,
Oh,
I'm looking again,
What do I think I'm going to get out of this?
What do I think I'm going to get?
Right.
And just Mindy,
As you're saying,
Interesting talks,
Music,
Finding events,
Old friends,
There's a lot of good stuff that we don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater.
But if you're listening to a talk,
Particularly a Dharma talk,
Just be listening to the talk.
Don't be doing anything else,
Right?
We're always adding,
You know,
It's like,
Oh,
Listen to the Dharma talk while I'm doing something else,
As best you can,
Right?
And I understand sometimes we do have time constraints.
So,
You know,
Everyone has to do what's right for them.
But I would suggest if you're listening to a podcast,
Sit and listen to the podcast.
If you're listening to a Dharma talk,
Sit and listen to the Dharma talk.
If you're going for a walk,
Leave the earbuds at home,
Go for a walk.
This isn't adding to our lives,
It is taking away.
It's not like you're going to get a certain amount of information to bring you more contentment.
It's finally putting these things down and understanding their place,
Understanding their place.
And because,
I mean,
Mindy,
Just like you're saying,
Like the technology for the kids and adding to their lack of attention,
I would,
I'm so grateful that I was not brought up with this technology.
I mean,
For those of us brought up in the 70s,
Like,
I mean,
You know,
It was just a different world.
I'm so glad,
And it does char,
It takes us away from the present moment.
It's not adding to our world,
But we can also go to another extreme.
And people do go to that other extreme.
Well,
I just am not going to have a phone,
Or I'm going to do a flip phone,
And they make our,
Our life,
And making life difficult,
Like,
Don't make it difficult for you either.
But like,
Like you're saying,
Also,
Mindy,
Like,
You know,
Finding old friends,
Like,
Yeah,
I still have a Facebook account,
Because I have friends from all over the world.
I'm not on there that much,
Even on my page,
My kind of work page.
I mean,
I post a video,
And I go on and off so quick.
But if I need to reach out to someone,
It's great to just think,
I can just hop on there and just,
And in two seconds,
I've got someone from high school,
I've got someone from Australia that I used to hang out with someone from London,
Someone,
You know,
From all the places that I've lived in,
Or someone from college,
And it's just like,
Oh,
How great,
It's convenient.
But if you're on there every day,
If you're on there every day,
It's,
I mean,
It does depend the length of time that you're on there.
That's what really seems to be the deciding factor of how much time we spend on there.
But I don't think personally,
I would say I wouldn't want to be on there every day.
Because those algorithms are smarter than us.
They have done so much research into knowing,
Like,
When they're tapping into our motivation reward pathway.
I mean,
That's survival.
That's survival.
They know,
You know,
The outrage that we can see from a meme or something,
The stress that we can get from it,
Like,
That feels like survival.
So they know how to tap into our most primal emotions that really,
Oh,
I'm outraged,
I've got to leave a comment,
You know,
I'm not leaving a comment,
But you know what I mean?
Like,
You can see what people are doing.
So yeah,
We've got to be very,
Very careful with phones,
Very careful with phones.
They are not,
They're not going to bring us contentment.
They can be a helpful tool in our lives,
As long as we understand their place.
Yeah.
Thanks,
Christy.
Does it seem like I've done yeah,
I have looked into this.
I find it fascinating.
I find,
I find all of this stuff.
And it was really with meditating,
When I started getting into understanding what was happening in the brain when we were meditating,
When I was,
You know,
This was back,
You know,
This 25 years ago,
I found it just fascinating.
What's,
You know,
What's,
Why do I feel so much better what's happening?
And then as the technology,
You know,
Started adding on,
And I just,
I do find all of this fascinating,
Because we should know what are the primal circuits that are so much of our motivation,
So much of our grasping,
So much of our pushing back.
I mean,
Even it's just our brain that creates the sense of a self,
A separate self,
Right?
It's just,
It's just neural networks creating a sense of a self,
Right?
And to understand that,
To understand the conditions of how that comes out,
How the ego is coming out,
I do find can be very helpful.
Yeah,
And so just Mindy,
You're saying,
You never used to be on the phone,
But you've been going through something,
And you've been isolated,
And not able to get out or function very well,
And so you've gotten addicted to,
You've been using the phone a lot.
And you can feel when it triggers the comparing and attention issues.
Yeah,
And just the fact that you're aware of that now is,
Is so good,
Is so helpful.
Just to know like,
Okay,
This is,
Yeah,
This is becoming a problem.
It's not making me happy.
So even just to understand as well,
Like,
When we reach for the phone,
And some of you know this,
Because I've talked about this before,
The pleasure pain pathways are co-located in the brain.
So when we reach for the phone,
We kind of kick up that short term pleasure,
We get a little hit of dopamine,
It feels kind of good,
We're kind of anticipating something good going to come out of there.
But the brain is all about homeostasis.
So eventually,
It's going to go back the other way,
And the pain is going to come up,
You're always going to eventually feel the pain.
With the short term pleasure,
I mean,
Not if you have a little piece of cake,
Maybe a little bit.
But if you eat a big giant piece of cake,
Pleasure,
Pain,
Right?
You have a big thing of french fries,
Pleasure,
Pain,
You know,
30 minutes on social media,
There's a little bit of pleasure at first,
Then you're doom scrolling,
Pain,
Right?
So it always will go that way.
But when we go the other way,
When we go the other way,
And we put off our short term pleasure,
So we're reaching for the phone,
We're reaching for the ice cream,
We're reaching for the news,
Social media or something,
Right?
And we recognize what we're doing.
And we say,
You know what,
I'm not going to reach for that.
I'm going to sit,
I'm going to feel this.
I'm going to feel that craving and hear that grasping.
And I'm going to open up to what's here.
Or I'm going to go for a walk.
I'm going to read a book,
Maybe you do want some entertainment,
I'm going to read a book instead.
No one has ever put down a book and said,
Oh,
I've really got to stop reading so much.
But how many times do we put down the phone and go,
Oh my God,
I gotta stop doing that.
That's not good for me.
But we never say that with a book,
We never say that for the walk,
I've got to stop walking.
Oh,
I've got to stop doing that mindful breathing.
It's really getting in the way of my life,
Right?
We're never saying that.
But if we can just do these little transition things,
Just putting it off,
Right?
What happens,
And it's not pain,
But it is we've put off the short term pleasure.
And what happens is when it comes back,
We feel good.
We actually do get the hit of pleasure in the brain.
And then it balances out.
And not only do we feel good through the neurochemistry,
But we feel good because we did something that was good for us,
Which is how the motivation reward pathway was meant to be,
That it was meant to give us something that was helpful.
Maybe you did some mindful breathing,
You did,
Oh,
I'll do,
Instead of reaching for my phone,
I'll do 10 sun salutations,
You know,
Some yoga or some tai chi,
Or again,
Just go for a walk.
So you've done something that's good for you,
Right?
Instead of reaching for the cake,
I'm going to take the time and make a salad,
Right?
You have changed the way,
You know,
The pleasure pain order,
And you've done something good for yourself,
And you feel good.
So you've actually gotten the right reward.
Oh,
Well,
Char,
You know,
You have just,
I'm definitely going to check that documentary out on BBC called Swiped.
Yeah,
I do think it's interesting.
I mean,
I think it's frightening what must be happening to teenage brains,
Because,
Of course,
Our brains are,
You know,
When we're born,
It's just a mesh of a billion or billions of neurons.
And then they start networking up,
Syncing up as we go through life having experiences,
Right?
It's how our brains form as we grow.
And so you can just think what a four year old is on a game,
Hitting that motivation reward pathway again,
And again,
And again,
And again,
Even a learning game,
Right?
I can't imagine.
Yeah,
So we're probably at that time where we could see now what's been happening to their brains.
Yeah,
And a tech detox is a good idea.
Yeah.
Is there a say in a day that a person can overdo breath work?
I feel I have to do it multiple times a day.
Or say meditations,
Can there be too much?
Very good point,
Jackie.
While I say generally speaking,
Most of us aren't verging on that.
Yes,
There can be if we're grasping at it.
If we're grasping at it,
You know,
Oh,
And people do this very often when they come to like even say,
Well,
I'll start with meditation,
Say meditation.
And they're meditating,
You know,
Three,
Four,
Five hours a day,
Because there's this grasping at enlightenment,
Grasping at peace.
And so I would say with that mindset,
It's too much.
It's not good,
And it's probably not sustainable.
I mean,
That's the other part of it is probably not sustainable.
So and generally,
People do.
We used to joke about this at the Tibetan Buddhist Center I used to go to when I first was practicing.
And people would come in all gung ho.
And yet,
Oh,
And I'm meditating so much.
Of course,
They're telling you about it,
You know.
And then a few months later,
Where did such and such go?
You don't see them anymore,
Because they kind of come in too strong.
And then it's just too much.
They're grasping at it.
And so yeah,
The same with breath work.
And we and breath work,
When I'm talking like mindful breathing,
No,
There's no such thing as too much just breathing mindfully.
I wouldn't say that.
But breath work where you're doing that intensive breath work,
Which is giving you those heightened states,
Just to be careful that there is that potential for always chasing the blissful states.
And so we're grasping at something in that way.
So yeah,
I mean,
We can in general,
Even with the book,
I guess,
Yeah,
For reading too much.
Yeah,
I guess we could even say,
Okay,
I read for six hours.
In general,
I would say most people aren't saying I need to take a meditation detox,
I need to take a mindfulness detox,
I need to take a reading detox.
And in fact,
If anything,
It would just say I just maybe need to pair it back a little bit,
Because perhaps I am doing a little bit of grasping at it,
And that's not healthy.
Right?
So if you're saying you feel you have to do it multiple times a day,
And I don't know that that's even,
I'm saying that that's bad,
That may be fine.
Notice how you're feeling.
But with the breath work,
And that's why I'm just specifically focusing on this.
And so anything that doesn't apply,
Just throw it out.
If it's breath work to achieve highs and bliss,
I would be,
And you're feeling like you need to do that multiple times a day,
I would be a little bit cautious on that.
At least just from where I teach from,
From my perspective,
It's breathing with what's here,
Meeting life with where it is,
Right?
Not trying to,
Oh,
No,
I've got to get back to the bliss,
There's something unpleasant,
I don't want to feel this,
Or I'm bored,
I don't want to feel this.
So just kind of knowing that balance of saying like,
Yes,
Because with breath work,
There is,
There's a high that comes from when you're doing that,
The rapid breathing,
The deep breathing,
The hold breaths,
And all of that's fine,
All of that's fine.
But if it's being used then in place of feeling something that's unpleasant,
For myself,
I would be cautious with that.
I would be cautious with that,
Because I find there is,
You know,
That I want to be able to meet each moment as it is,
Have the appropriate response,
Mindful breathing isn't trying to change it so much as trying to open up to what it is that's here,
And be with what's here,
And flowing more with how life is in this moment.
Because we can't live in a permanent state of bliss,
Even enlightenment is not a permanent state of bliss.
It is that initial contraction,
Or sorry,
The release of the contraction is quite and the blowing out,
Even if it's just a deep insight,
It's like,
It feels like,
Oh,
My God,
And it's a very,
Very blissful.
But on the other side,
And,
You know,
It eventually comes back down,
And there is just a,
You know,
There's kind of just a peaceful existence of life,
Just peaceful,
No longer grasping at things,
It's,
There's just more peace,
More contentment.
Oh,
Okay,
So sometimes when you're saying it's when your mind gets going,
And after sitting,
And you find sometimes you can't calm down until you do a meditation,
Well,
You're doing a meditation as response to that.
Yeah,
I think that's okay.
Yeah,
That you're doing a meditation in response to how you're feeling,
Because if you're coming to your meditation,
Open to what's here,
Breathing into it,
Being with it,
Then I think that's,
Then I think that's okay.
Yeah.
So from an Adav,
You're planning on taking a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat,
And wonder about your thoughts about the length of it.
So if you can just tell me first,
How long have you been meditating for?
And just how much do you meditate a day?
So if you wouldn't mind just typing that in,
And I'll go to Kelly's question,
If you can just give me a little bit more background on your experience first,
Because those are great retreats,
Those are great retreats to do.
I wouldn't send someone that was brand new.
I mean,
It will be a challenge,
No matter how long you've been meditating,
But just give me a little bit more context,
And then I'll answer that.
Oh,
So Kelly,
So saying that you found yourself in that trap,
I think of chasing the highs of it,
And found a grounding bell at routine intervals,
Very helpful to provide the grounding,
Rather than chasing the bliss.
Yeah,
That's a great idea.
In fact,
If any of you have ever been to any of Thich Nhat Hanh's monasteries,
He used to have one just outside of San Diego,
Where I lived for a long time,
And they have a bell go,
I can't remember if it's every 30 minutes or every hour,
Might have been every 15 minutes,
But a bell would go throughout the monastery,
And whatever you were doing,
You would just stop in that moment,
And you would breathe mindfully,
You would know where you are,
Right?
And it was just a minute of just a waking up in that moment,
Oh yeah,
I'm here,
I'm breathing,
I know where my body is,
And just that kind of coming back and grounding again and again.
And so you can set up the insight timer bell,
And I've done this,
And I'll set it up on my iPad versus my phone,
Which is what I'm usually meditating on,
Using the insight timer bell there.
And so I have a standard one set up on where I'm just a guest on insight timer,
And it's set up for like eight hours and to go every 30 minutes,
And it's just a nice bell that you hear,
You know,
Versus doing like an alarm on your phone,
I wouldn't do an alarm on your phone because you don't want to have to go and turn it off,
But it's a nice way also just to hear the bell,
And it's just that reminder,
Oh yeah,
Breathe,
Know where you are,
Look around,
Feel yourself,
Feel your heart,
Have some gratitude for this moment,
Smile,
And just a really nice way to keep you grounded.
Yeah,
And so Jackie,
When you're sitting with.
.
.
This is a very subtle point,
But when you say,
I try to sit with letting the emotions pass,
And when they don't,
I will go to meditate or breath work.
This is very subtle,
But really important.
When we're sitting with our emotions,
If we're doing it with the idea that they should go away,
We're still coming with a mind of resistance to what's happening.
We think we're like,
No,
No,
No,
I'm going to sit with my emotions so they'll pass.
What we're really doing is saying,
I don't want to feel them anymore.
I don't really want to open up to them.
And so yes,
They will eventually pass,
Everything does,
But it's so subtle and it's so critical and so critically important that when we sit with our emotions,
That we really open up to what's here and say,
It's okay that you're here.
Stress,
Disappointment,
Anxiety,
It's okay that you're here.
Let me breathe and create space for you.
Let me give you all my loving attention.
It is okay that you're here.
And we breathe and we create space and we allow the unpleasant emotions to be here.
And even saying,
Like talking to it,
Just as I'm saying,
As long as you need to be here,
You have my attention.
As long as you need to be here,
I'm not pushing you away.
Right?
Because just think of it like a friend,
How we were talking earlier on,
Like if a good friend was going through something,
You wouldn't say,
Well,
Come over here for a little bit so we can just get this,
Let's just,
You know,
Get on with it.
Let's just let it move through you.
Like you wouldn't say,
Okay,
We're going to give you five minutes.
And if your anxiety isn't done,
Then we're going to,
You know,
I can't be here anymore with you,
Right?
Think of it like a friend.
It's okay that you're here.
They will keep coming back.
If we do not know how to come in and feel our emotions.
And when I say feel,
I mean physically feel the sensations,
Not the stories of what's happening.
Physically feel,
Breathe,
Create space and talk to it.
It's okay that you're here.
Anxiety,
Oh,
You're here,
Sweetheart.
Yeah,
I know it's tough.
Let me breathe.
Let me give you some space.
It's okay.
It's okay,
Sweetheart.
It's okay that you're here.
You've got my attention.
I'll stay here with you as long as you need me to,
As long as you need me to.
And then you will notice the grasping actually does fall away.
And the sensations start to get a little bit softer,
A little less intense,
But you're not looking to push them away because what you're finding in that place,
What you have done is taken those feelings of anxiety,
Let's say,
Right?
Those feelings of anxiety.
And you have found in the anxiety,
Compassion and kindness and care.
Oh,
Look at all this that's here.
I thought it was just the anxiety.
I had to get rid of it,
But now I've opened up to it.
I'm feeling it.
I'm here with it.
I'm giving it my loving attention.
Oh,
This is how we become compassionate.
I mean,
The most compassionate and kind thing is that we could be with ourselves,
Right?
We say we want to love ourselves,
But we don't want to love the parts of us that are experiencing something unpleasant.
So this is about really,
Truly opening up to every part of our experience.
They will keep coming back.
They're not going to go away otherwise.
And eventually,
By the way,
They will still keep coming back for quite a while.
They lose their intensity because when it comes back,
It's just,
Oh,
Here you are,
Anxiety.
Here you are,
Doubt.
Here you are,
Loneliness.
Oh,
My love,
My loneliness.
Here you are,
My love.
It's okay,
Sweetheart.
Let me give you some space.
And I'm assuming,
Ideally,
We have the time to sit with it,
Right?
Sometimes we don't.
Sometimes it's just a little self-compassion where we're just kind of on the go somewhere,
And it's just a little,
Oh,
Sweetheart,
This is tough.
Yeah,
This is tough,
But you can still breathe.
No matter where you are,
You can still breathe mindfully and just create some space.
But for those times when you do have time and you really can sit with your feelings,
Like take that time to do it,
Just to be with it,
Practicing being with it,
It's almost like these feelings that we have just discarded,
These parts of us that we have just discarded and haven't wanted to acknowledge,
Like they want our attention.
The intensity is the scary part,
Yeah,
But it's really,
I will tell you,
The intensity is coming from your thoughts.
When you come in and you feel it,
It actually isn't as intense as it is in your thoughts.
Your thoughts are holding it down.
Oh,
I shouldn't be feeling this.
Oh,
We need to do something to get rid of this.
That's what's,
It's like we're putting like more pressure on the pressure cooker.
But then when you stop pushing it down and you just come and you feel the pressure and you go,
Oh yeah,
Here it is.
And you can come a little bit more into even like,
Okay,
So what are the physical sensations here?
So first that welcoming,
I find the welcoming part is so important,
So important to really change the way we are talking to it,
The way we're opening to it.
And then you can say,
Where do I feel this?
Oh,
It's nervous energy,
You know,
Butterflies or high arousal energy in the abdomen and a contraction in the solar plexus.
Is it tense?
Is it dense?
Is it,
Is it throbbing?
Is it static?
Is there a shape to it,
Right?
The more that we can get closer to it as well,
Right?
And that's really our point.
And yes,
I'm just telling you,
The intensity is in your thoughts,
Not in the actual feeling it.
Okay,
So I hope that helps,
Jackie.
Yeah,
Practice being with it,
Practice being with it.
And it's okay,
You know,
Again,
To also use some,
Maybe some guided meditations that help you.
I know there's a lot of good somatic guided meditations on Insight Timer,
So practice with those as well,
Getting more in touch if you're not really sure on feeling.
So then it's good for you to know too,
Maybe part of your practice is,
Okay,
I need to do some more guided somatic meditations.
I'm not really sure what feeling is.
And so you can do that so that you can then sit with your feelings.
Okay,
Nadav,
I'm going to come back to you now.
So,
You have,
I have been that daily,
Oh,
Sorry,
I think you've been meditating daily,
Meditating for four years now and then.
Okay.
I'm sure it will be intense,
But I'm very looking forward to it with the thoughts and the pain coming through it.
Your first meditation back then was so hard,
It was impossible to sit with your thoughts for 10 minutes.
Now it's like 30 minutes session daily.
Great.
Yes,
You're fine.
Yeah,
You're fine.
Yeah,
You're fine for a 10 day vipassana.
It's a lot of meditation.
It's a lot.
Usually sitting and walking meditation,
The ones I've done are sitting and walking meditation,
But it's like 10 hours of meditation a day.
So,
Yeah,
Just as best you can be prepared to also recognize it's going to be tough.
It's going to be tough.
And the more that you have that mindset of it's going to be tough,
That's okay.
I'm going to do this because I need those conditions where I really do just need to sit there with the pain and the thoughts and to be with it.
Right.
And even in the thoughts,
If I can just offer as well,
Like we get so worked up about our thoughts,
You know,
As though we can kind of force our thoughts to not,
You know,
Oh,
I've got to stop thinking.
And you don't stop thinking.
It's the same way,
Like we're just trying to push them down and they just become bigger and bigger.
In preparation of the retreat,
Nadev,
Try to be,
Again,
Not that you wouldn't in your meditation still be pulling your attention back away from the thoughts when you recognize that,
But really to do it in a sense of not like,
It's okay that the thoughts are there.
It's okay that you're thinking,
Not to be upset about it,
Not to try and get the thoughts away,
But simply,
Simply it's the recognition the thoughts are there.
And,
Oh,
When I recognize I'm thinking that I bring my attention back,
But not in this,
Um,
Not in a way that creates any resistance around the thoughts.
Thinking is actually not a problem.
It's that we,
Thinking actually isn't a problem.
It's that we think there's a thinker behind the thoughts.
That's the problem.
Um,
And so thinking,
When we,
When we even just change our relationship to our thoughts,
And it's why I'm always instructing when we bring our attention back to the breath,
When we're doing the meditation,
Um,
Not to have any judgment,
Not to have any,
Um,
Disappointment,
But just with kindness,
With gentleness,
Just keep bringing your attention back,
Right?
Not that there's,
Oh,
Another thought,
Darn it,
Right?
Because every time you bring your attention back,
What happened was that you were aware that you were lost in your thoughts for a moment.
Wonderful.
And then you brought your attention back.
No problem.
The thoughts are not so much the problem.
And as we think the thoughts are a problem,
They just,
They have more power over us.
And so even in just in that,
In just trying to,
Even you might even try to sometimes just saying,
I'm just going to sit and just let my thoughts be.
I'm going to breathe.
I'm going to kind of maybe feel the spaciousness of the breath and see the thoughts floating by.
I'm going to,
You know,
Do my best to just let them float by without them being a problem.
So,
So also you might want to try that ahead of time,
But I think you're ready.
I think you're more than fine to be doing a Vipassana retreat.
I think you will get a lot of benefit out of it.
Longer term retreats are incredibly beneficial to our practice.
Incredibly beneficial.
The mini retreats are really important,
The personal retreats that we do at home.
So we're going to do that tomorrow,
An insight timer.
And again,
I will say I have a six day silent meditation retreat down here in Mexico at the end of March,
The first week of April.
And so if any of you are interested,
That's on my teacher's page as well,
Because longer term retreats are also,
You know,
They really do give us the,
The conditions where we,
We can put the phone away,
Like Nadev,
You're not going to be on your phone.
They might take your phone.
Sometimes they take your phone.
I'm not taking people's phone,
But we don't have good cell reception where it is.
And I'm going to ask people to be honest about not being on their phone because these,
You know,
If you're going to a retreat,
You're spending the money,
You're taking the time,
You're traveling somewhere,
You really want to go in and you want to be open to the whole thing.
You really want to be open to it.
There will be challenges along the way,
But in those challenges are gifts,
Are insights,
It's wisdom and compassion,
And you're in the right conditions to really be able to,
To let go of a lot.
And in the letting go is the uncovering what is already here.
Yeah.
And so Donnie saying from in Sydney,
You did a 10 day silent retreat.
And yeah,
What an experience.
They're incredibly powerful,
Incredibly powerful.
So I'm excited for you,
Nadev.
I think,
I think it's going to be good.
I know I started at the last questions.
I can't go back any further.
And sorry,
Sometimes I don't quite get back soon enough.
Yeah,
Yeah.
I'm so glad you got so much out of it,
Donnie.
Are you in Sydney?
Is that where you live?
Oh,
In Melbourne,
But you went up to Sydney.
Okay.
Melbourne's a lovely place as well.
Hi,
Diane.
I see you going across there.
Okay.
So if someone,
If you want to post some of the questions from earlier,
I'm happy to take a look,
But I can only scroll back so far.
And I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Sometimes just the questions come in and I'm kind of addressing what it is that's there.
But in lieu of that,
And hi,
Chris,
That Chris from Sydney,
From Queensland.
Sorry.
Good to see you.
And Louisa.
Yes,
There you are.
Hi.
So why don't we,
Why don't we just go ahead and we'll end with a one minute meditation.
And then,
Yes,
And for some of you,
It's New Year's Eve.
I don't know if you have plans.
For those of you in Australia,
Again,
Happy New Year's Day.
Now let's go ahead and just close our eyes for one minute.
And just let all the words settle in.
And just notice how it is that you're feeling right now in this moment.
Really bringing your attention into the body.
Becoming aware of what it is that you're feeling.
Without pushing back on the experience,
But just opening up,
Welcoming what's here.
Bringing a sense of openness and spaciousness.
Meeting life where it is.
And bringing our hands to our heart center.
And dedicating the merit of our practice,
Our meditation,
Our time together on the Dharma Talk.
So recognizing this time that we've spent here together,
How worthwhile it was.
And then we imagine that we're sharing this merit with someone we care about.
And when you're ready,
You can open your eyes.
Thank you for your lovely message,
Char.
Thank you.
I'm wishing you peace in your day as well.
Many blessings to everyone.
Thank you so much for being here.
Thank you for being a part of the Sangha.
I'm sorry that I didn't get to all the questions.
We'll be back again next Tuesday.
We'll be back tomorrow as well,
But we do want to keep the topic kind of on,
Um,
Really on our intention setting and really grounding us,
Reminding us,
Again,
What's,
You know,
Our spiritual practice,
What's important to us,
Really helping to,
Just to help root us in our,
In our spiritual practice for our,
In our spiritual path for the new year.
I think it's a good reminder to step back.
Remember,
Why are you meditating?
Because reasons you started meditating are probably very different from why you do it now.
And that's very helpful to know that.
And just to understand how we have to,
Make sure that our actions are aligned with our intentions,
And that we are protecting what's most important.
And if it's your spiritual practice,
Your path,
Your peace,
Your happiness,
Like we want to make sure that we're,
We are prioritizing it properly.
So we'll go over all that in the morning.
And until then,
Have a very safe evening,
And lots of love,
Lots of gratitude to everyone,
And have a wonderful,
Happy new year.
4.8 (13)
Recent Reviews
Anita
January 14, 2025
Thank you for that incredibly insightful talk on the subject of contentment and the essence of life. Meeting life as it comes moment by moment is the practice on and off our meditation cushion. 🙏🏽
Alice
January 10, 2025
This talk feels like a blueprint for my life now. When my husband was alive and we were running our business, the path was very clear and now the path is fuzzy. But the simple direction in this talk of just being mindful. Paying attention to this moment , taking it in fully… Life doesn’t need to be any more complicated than that… Right? 🌈♥️🌹🌈♥️🌹🌈♥️🌹🌈