The Power Of Kindness As A Practice

Kindness is often overlooked as a formal practice, and yet it is one of the most powerful practices we can do. Kindness changes the way we see others and ourselves. It can help us to be more present, caring, and live more purposeful lives.

Transcript

The practice that I want to,

The heart opening practice that I want to introduce today is kindness.

And I want to look at kindness,

What my hope is to broaden our understanding of kindness from a neuroscientific standpoint,

Because I know we all love to know what's happening in the brain when we're practicing kindness.

For a lot of us,

That's a real helpful,

Helpful to know that.

Also,

I want to look at it more as an active practice,

How we can be doing this more often.

And then to really look at this benefit of how the practice of kindness helps us to change the way we see ourselves.

So there's really two kinds of kindness.

There is a strategic kindness,

Where we are practicing kindness in exchange for something else.

We're hoping to get something out of it.

I'll scratch your back if you scratch my back.

So there's an expectation of getting something in return,

Or it could just be the expectation of getting some public recognition.

And then there's altruistic kindness,

Where we are just doing something simply for the joy of kindness,

Simply because we know it's going to make you happy.

It's going to do something good for another person.

And in these two kinds of kindness,

Of the strategic and the altruistic,

They're both activating the striatal areas in our brain.

So this is in our mammalian brain,

In the limbic system.

And it's the motivation reward pathway that we're all pretty familiar with.

I talk about that a lot.

So when this part of our brain is activated,

We get that pleasurable good feeling of the dopamine drip.

It feels good.

We get a little energy.

We get a little motivation.

So both kinds of kindness activate this pathway.

But altruistic kindness also activates two other pathways in our brain.

So it activates the subgenual anterior cingulate cortex,

Which is a mouthful.

But we will just say a portion of the ACC to make it shorter.

So it activates this part of the ACC that helps us in emotion regulation and mood stabilization.

So it helps us to feel happier.

And there's a lot of serotonin receptors in there.

We get a lot of serotonin released.

So this makes us feel good.

It makes a really gives us that sense of well-being.

A lot of antidepressants work on serotonin.

So we get the ACC,

That's part of the ACC activated.

And then we also have the ventromedial prefrontal cortex gets activated.

Again,

Another mouthful.

But we can just think of it ventral,

Just lower and medial,

Kind of here in the prefrontal cortex,

Probably somewhere right about here.

And this part of our brain is involved in empathy.

So increasing our capacity to understand another person's experience.

And also in empathetic decision making.

So when we're making decisions,

We're really,

We're not just thinking about what we want.

We're thinking about how does this benefit everyone?

You know,

How can this be for the greater good of everyone else around me,

Of society,

Of the planet?

So and then there also we get a release of oxytocin,

Which is the often called the love hormone,

The cuddle hormone.

So this is a bonding hormone.

And it makes us feel really connected and makes us feel really safe.

And for those of you that are mothers,

When you had your baby,

You got a big,

Big,

Big release of oxytocin so that you would want to look after that baby.

You would have this sense of overwhelming love for this child.

And that's what a lot of people report.

They go through all this horrific pain and then this over sensing,

Overwhelming sense of love for this being.

And a lot of that is the oxytocin really trying to forge that connection,

That bond.

And so,

You know,

The two,

So it's something important for us to recognize in these two kinds of happiness as well,

Is that if someone's doing something for us,

If they're helping us and they're doing it out of an altruistic intention,

They're coming to help us move some things around,

Maybe move houses.

If we then turn around and give them some money at the end of the day,

We actually take away the good feelings from them.

So it's something for us to really take into consideration because one of the things we have a really hard time doing is accepting the kindness of others as well.

And while we can do something a week later,

You can send them a thank you card with maybe a gift card to Starbucks or something.

You know,

That's kind of separated out now.

You're just doing something kind again.

So I just,

I referenced that because it was in the studies where they said,

If you do this,

You're going to take away their good feelings.

So it's so fascinating that simply by doing things like helping a friend out,

Little things like opening the door for someone,

Holding the elevator,

Giving someone a compliment,

Letting someone go in front of you in line,

You're activating all of these regions in your brain that give you that sense of feeling whole and connected and being happy.

And your brain isn't doing this to put you in some delusional state of happiness where all of a sudden your life is being threatened because everything our brain is doing is to keep us alive.

It's not trying to make us happy just for the sake of happiness.

It's doing things and saying,

Look,

Feel good,

Do more of that.

Because when we do kind things for other people,

It is a very pro-social type of behavior.

It's a bonding,

It's a form of bonding with other people.

It increases cooperation among other,

Amongst us.

And that's our survival advantage is really that cooperation and the more of us that can come together to do something,

You know,

The more effective we are.

And I find this really helpful.

I know I'm not the only introvert on this call.

And while I kind of recoil at the thought of too much social activity,

I mean,

I would drop whatever I'm doing if someone needs help.

And so it's my way of being able to stay connected to people.

I mean,

I still do a little bit of social,

Not much,

But it's a way that I can really keep those social bonds going.

So it works for introverts and extroverts.

And of course,

We're also,

While we're doing these acts of kindness for other people and with the altruistic intention,

The real benefit there as well is that should we need help,

We're going to have people that are going to want to come and help us.

We're not doing it with that intention,

But if you're helping people all the time,

Of course,

Someone's going to come and help you.

So it really is,

It's practical and it makes us feel really good.

And it activates the parts of our brain that we need to feel happy to feel whole and connected.

It's just,

It's win,

Win,

Win all around.

But there's another advantage to practicing kindness,

Particularly for us on the spiritual path,

Because one of the challenges that we have,

Particularly in the West,

Because we live in this very competitive,

It's all about me.

It's a very judgmental type of atmosphere,

A lot of comparing going on.

Look how well they're doing.

Oh my God,

I'm not doing as well.

So judging ourselves unfairly,

Unrealistically often.

And so because of this,

The challenge that we have on our practice is that while we're trying to familiarize ourselves with the qualities of love and kindness and compassion and generosity and wisdom and joy and love,

All of these qualities,

We hold this other image in our minds of who we think we are.

This is more the ego driven image.

This is the image of ourselves that remembers every mistake we've ever done,

Remembers everything we've ever screwed up,

Remembers every dumb thing we've said,

That remembers every time we made a fool of ourselves,

Remembers the bad things we did when we acted poorly,

Right?

Not our best.

And so we're trying to hold these two.

So while we're trying to familiarize our minds with this other image of who we can be,

We also have this other image in our minds as well.

It's a very powerful image.

And it's really,

It presents a real challenge for us because while we're feeling really good,

We come to our Dharma talks and we're like,

Yeah,

I feel great and I'm going to do this stuff.

We underestimate how ingrained that image is in our mind,

That image of feeling unworthy,

Feeling unlovable,

Feeling like,

You know,

I've just done too much stuff.

It's not going to happen for me.

I'm not going to be that spiritual person.

And so it really holds us back on the path.

But when we practice kindness,

Altruistic kindness,

And we reflect on that kindness and we meditate on that kindness,

You know,

There's something inside of us that we touch that is so,

It's so beautiful.

It's indescribable.

It's so,

I mean,

It is indescribable when you connect with another being,

When you do something for someone simply because,

Gosh,

It's getting me emotional,

Simply because you want to make them happy.

You want to make their life better.

Like when you touch that,

It's,

It's,

It's incredible.

And I've done these kindness meditations where I do have tears just streaming down my face,

Realizing I'm not that image that I think I am.

I'm not that ego driven image.

And it is so,

You know,

To realize that is so powerful.

And we know this,

Even when we,

We watch videos,

YouTube videos of people doing kind things and you know how it can move us to tears.

And you know,

We will put it posted on Facebook and you'll get in the comments section,

Someone writing like,

I needed that today.

I needed to see that.

Why did you need to see someone doing a kind act?

Because it got you in touch with what's real.

It got you in touch with you,

Your true self.

So the more that we familiarize ourselves with this practice of kindness,

The more that we familiarize ourselves with connecting to who we really are,

The more we start to love ourselves.

The more we start to love our lives,

The more meaning and purpose we bring to our lives.

And so kindness is an unbelievably powerful practice and how we're going to integrate this.

And we're going to really emphasize it for the next two weeks,

Not to forget it,

You know,

Two weeks later,

But to really build a foundation for us to keep building on them with other practices.

And there's three things,

Three ways that I want you to look at this intention,

Action,

And reflection.

So in the morning,

When you wake up in the morning,

As soon as you can,

As soon as this thought can get in there to think about what can I do to practice kindness today?

To think about your day,

What you've got coming up and where in my day can I practice kindness?

What things can I do?

I have a meeting coming up with someone and I know they've got something going on and I'm going to take that moment to ask them about it and check in with them.

Or am I going to the store?

And if I have the opportunity to let someone in front of me in line,

I'm going to do that.

You know,

If I have the opportunity to compliment someone,

I'm going to do that.

If I have the opportunity to hold the door open,

Hold the elevator,

I'm going to do that.

You know,

If a friend reaches out and needs help,

I'm going to respond to them.

I'm going to help them.

As many ways as we can think of ahead of time with that intention to integrate more acts of kindness throughout our day.

And then to have that reflection throughout the day as well.

You know,

When we have those boring moments,

Those mundane moments,

It's a lot of our day are those kinds of moments.

To just pause for a moment to think about the kind acts that you've already done.

Not from a,

Oh,

Look at me,

Aren't I great because I did that kind of thing.

The ego,

Right?

We always have to be careful of the ego sneaking in there.

But from a,

Oh my God,

You know,

I just held the door open for that person.

I just offered to help them with their bags.

And I know that feeling when someone recognizes you and they're trying to help and it feels so good.

And I know that my actions help someone else to feel good.

And in that you're touching it again,

You're connecting to your true self.

And then to really make the reflection a more formal practice as the last thing you do when you go to sleep at night to think about,

Again,

The things that the kind acts that you did throughout the day,

However small they were,

To reflect on them and to think about how the other person would have received it,

How it would have made them feel.

And so if you find yourself,

You know,

At the end of the day and you're like,

Oh,

There were only two things that I did.

That's also a good like,

Okay,

Tomorrow I better do some more things because I want to have more acts of kindness to reflect on.

And we do need this reflection part.

First of all,

We need lots of little kindness acts and we need lots of reflection because that change in,

You know,

The activation of those neural pathways and that change in neurochemistry lasts about three to four minutes.

So opening the door for someone in the morning isn't going to really hold you over the whole day.

You need to keep doing it again.

You need to keep reflecting over this again.

And then at the end of the night,

Just to really,

You know,

Go over it again,

What a great way to go to sleep,

Right?

After thinking about how you've helped all these people,

Right?

We know when we're going to sleep,

That's when the mind wants to start coming up with problems and oh my God,

What have I got to do tomorrow?

You know,

So you eliminate that.

You also eliminate in the morning when you wake up and your first thought is,

You know,

How can I practice kindness today instead of,

Oh God,

I got to do that later.

Oh God,

I don't want to see that person,

Right?

The typical,

What we get into.

So you know,

Instead of changing it,

How can I,

How can I keep my heart open?