The Ego Game | Pushing Back On Our Experience

In Class 6 of our Ego Game Series, we look at how the ego arises in pushing back on our experience. While we spend a great deal of time pushing back on what we perceive as unpleasant in our thoughts, what we don't realize is that we are also pushing back on feeling that which is unpleasant - drawing out the unpleasant experience.

Transcript

So we are in our ego series.

We're on the sixth class of the ego series where we are using this series to bring more awareness to the ways in which the ego is arising.

That it's arising through our thoughts,

That in our thoughts when we start thinking about what I want,

I want something out there,

I think that something out there is going to bring me happiness.

And on the other side of that,

What I don't want.

Oh I don't want that out there that I think is going to bring me unhappiness.

And that through these thoughts,

Through these thoughts about what I want,

What I don't want,

We are so lost in what the story of the ego is telling us,

So believing at what it's pointing to,

That we never even question how it's making us feel in this moment.

We never even question if it's really delivering on what it says it's going to deliver on.

And so the ego is the master of disguise.

This is the challenge we have with the ego is that it's just got a million disguises,

A million different back doors that it can come in and it just catches us off guard again and again and again.

And this is not to say that the ego is all bad.

I'm definitely focusing on all of the ways in which it causes us a great deal of suffering and prevents us from living in reality.

The ego is an illusion,

A thought-created illusion.

It does not exist independently and it is not who we are but because we have taken it to be who we are and because it exaggerates and distorts our perception of reality so much of the time because we live so much in our thoughts,

It creates a great deal of suffering for us.

So we're trying to just really see this more clearly to really understand how the ego keeps arising in ways that catch us off guard and causes us suffering.

Suffering for us and suffering for those around us as well.

So while it has all these different uh you know we've looked at some of the characters of the ego,

It's judging,

It's controlling,

It's that that need for everyone's validation,

Last week looking at the chasing happiness,

The me in the future being happy.

So while it has literally thousands of different incarnations,

Different disguises of how it arises,

There are really just two mind movements behind all of it.

I want that,

I'll be happy,

Desire,

Chasing,

Wanting,

I don't want that,

I think that will bring me unhappiness,

Resisting,

Aversion,

Fear,

Pushing back.

So last week we did look at at the one side here of I want that,

That will make me happy,

The chasing happiness in the future.

So chasing happiness believing that if I get this next job promotion,

If I get this pay raise,

If I have this new experience,

If I go on this holiday,

If I have this next meal,

If I get this praise,

This approval,

This validation that I will be happy.

And it's not just it's not just that I will be happy,

There's this belief that there's like this eternal happiness,

That somehow I can get to this happiness level and I can stay up at this high eternal kind of state of happiness.

And what we were doing last week by pulling the veil back,

Pulling the curtains back on this,

Is really showing how all we're doing when we're chasing happiness is we're on a treadmill,

Right?

And happiness is kind of dangling out there in front of us and we're exerting all this effort and we're running and we're running as fast as we can to get there and we're afraid because someone else might be getting there first and there may not be enough for me and what if I don't get there,

What if they get there first?

And there's all this fear and all this stress and all this adrenaline and energy focused on something out there that even if we get it,

The bonus,

The pay raise,

The nice meal,

The nice holiday,

Even if we get it,

It is fleeting.

It is a fleeting happiness,

It just gets pulled right out from under our hands and then we're back chasing again.

And so I asked us to really look at our experience when we're in that mode we're getting you know we're kind of pursuing something outside of us that we believe is pleasant,

Right?

We think it's good and of course a lot of these things are pleasant but when we do it with this grasping mind,

This belief that there's a little me in my thoughts that's going to be happy when I get over there,

That when we do it from this grasping clinging mindset that when we really look at what's happening what we find is that we do not feel good at all.

In fact we feel a little bit nauseous at times that in the excitement of getting something right,

So believing what the ego is pointing to,

Get over there,

We don't even notice how unpleasant we're feeling now.

And if we were to look at just the physiology of excitement and anxiety,

You would find they are virtually identical.

Stress,

Sweaty palms,

Heart rates up,

The only difference between these two states is that with anxiety I am dreading something,

I am perceiving it as being negative and with excitement I am anticipating something that I perceive as being positive.

But when we look into our own experience what we find is that I do not feel good at all but I'm so believing in the excitement,

The story of what's over there,

I don't even notice how I'm feeling in this moment.

And we are not going to a nihilism here,

We're not trying to deny sensual pleasures,

The sense pleasures right?

Of course let's enjoy the nice latte,

Enjoy the nice holiday,

Enjoy the nice meal,

Enjoy the praise,

The approval,

The sense of getting something accomplished,

No problem,

Enjoy all of those things,

Those are a fun part of life.

But without the grasping,

Without this belief that somehow there's a little me up here that's going to be eternally happy,

Because in the grasping of that and then when it starts to fade the disappointment that happens and then the jumping back on the treadmill,

All we're doing is repeating a cycle of suffering.

So instead to see like yeah it's no problem,

Work towards the uh promotion or some goal that you have,

Something that you want to do,

No problem,

Enjoy the experience of it,

No problem.

Do not believe that your happiness is dependent upon it,

That your peace of mind is dependent upon it so that when you get to the completion,

When you get the desired object which again okay it's pleasant when you get the pleasant object or the experience,

That you can just appreciate it in this moment,

This is nice,

It's a fleeting experience.

But yeah it's nice,

It's nice to get the approval,

It's nice to have the nice meal,

It's nice to have the good conditions,

But they're fleeting.

So not to to be on this constant um you know roller coaster ride with it but just like enjoying the good conditions and working towards something,

Yeah this is good,

I'm enjoying where I am now and I'm okay when I get to when when I get there as well and I enjoy the sense of accomplishment,

Okay no problem.

So it's not to deny our happiness,

It's to show us that we're actually not that happy when we're chasing happiness.

That in fact all it is is we just keep it out a little bit in front of us,

We just keep moving the goal post right?

If we can't be happy now don't bother making any plans,

You won't be happy when you get there either.

So this is one side of the coin right,

Of the major mind movement of the ego,

I want something outside of me,

My happiness is out there.

And the other side that we're going to look at today is the resisting,

The aversion,

The pushing back,

I am deeming something to be unpleasant and I go up into my little thoughts,

To my little my little VR headset and I imagine there's a little me up there that is potentially getting something it does not want.

And I see that little me up there it's so unhappy because it's getting the big tax bill,

It's getting the health problem,

It's getting the the noisy neighbor,

It's getting the you know just something that I am perceiving,

It's getting the criticism,

It's getting the blame,

It's getting the non-inclusion right,

It's being excluded.

And in some way there is a thought that I'm pushing back on it and that I'm making this better by pushing back on it.

But all we do is spend hours,

You know hours,

Days,

Weeks,

Sometimes our entire lives just lost in this pushing back on that which we we think is maybe coming from the future that's going to cause us something some unhappiness or pushing back on something that already happened.

Imagining that there's a thread somewhere that I'm going to be able to hold on to that's going to bring me some type of resolution with what happened by pushing back,

I can somehow rewrite the story,

I can find something there that is in fact going to give me some sense of satisfaction right?

And so we just get lost in in the doubt,

In the regret,

In the anxiety,

In the fear,

In the shame,

In the guilt,

All of these ways in which we push back.

Imagining that somehow I will find happiness on the other side of this,

If I could just get this difficult person out of my life I would be so happy right?

Get one difficult person out,

Out pops another one,

Oh if I could just get this difficult person out of my life then I would be so happy and then up pops another right?

It's this never ending.

So it's not leading us to greater peace,

Greater happiness,

To the end of suffering,

It's just putting us in this purgatory of continuous suffering believing that somehow I'm pushing back on this and that I'm going to find a happier me through the pushing back.

And so we we have looked at the resisting,

The aversion,

The pushing back already through this ego series because remember it's always even though like in the judging it seems like the judging is just pushing back,

I don't want what they're doing over there,

I don't want what I did yesterday,

I don't want what I said back there right?

It seems like it's just pushing back.

Also hidden in there right?

I'm pushing back on what I don't want implying I would like something else,

Something that doesn't contain this.

So in fact the desire you know the resisting of what is here there is a hidden desire of wanting something else other than what I think I have right here.

And when we looked at the judging a couple weeks ago what we were doing was looking at the lie that what the ego the thoughts are pointing to is that if I keep thinking about this person and all their unpleasant qualities because they're doing something I don't like or if I keep thinking about the things that I'm doing that I did that I don't like that somehow I'm going to feel safer,

Somehow I'm going to feel less threatened,

Somehow I'm going to feel better.

When in fact we just feel more threatened,

We feel less safe and all we are doing is closing up our hearts.

The whole time we're judging someone for doing something different,

For having thoughts different,

Beliefs different than what I think.

All we are doing is closing our hearts to other people,

Becoming less compassionate,

Less empathetic,

Less kind,

Less forgiving.

Not what we want to be doing.

So what the ego was pointing to was a lie,

It wasn't bringing us what we want,

It was just sending us on a wild goose chase.

And in the validator when we're looking at that need that the ego's desperate need for validation from outside sources from external from other people right it seems like it's just a desire,

I want the praise,

I want the approval,

I want the inclusion.

But we know the other side in there is the fear,

The pushing back of the criticism,

Of the blame,

Of the not being included.

So we can see both sides are there.

And so while we could spend the next 10 years going through all of the different characters of how we push back,

I think just in the characters in the four that we've looked at so far it's really given us this sense of what the ego is pointing to as a lie.

Meaning my eternal happiness is over there if I can just think if I can just think this through enough.

And so intellectually I think we have a way of looking and analyzing and discerning this cycle of what it's pointing to is not there.

So for resisting,

For pushing back,

For aversion,

What I want us to focus on is the feeling of resistance,

Of aversion,

Of pushing back.

Because while we are always talking in mindfulness throughout this series right we want to see what's going on first we've used the the example I see you Mara right I see you I see you Mara disguised as doubt as fear or doubt disguised as fear excuse me I see you Mara disguised as doubt,

I see you Mara disguised as fear,

I see you Mara disguised as um you know fearing criticism right I see you Mara disguised as judging,

I see you clearly,

I see what's going on.

And in that identification of what's going on the instructions are then to come into the body and feel it right using some self-compassion if necessary to help bring us into the experience oh sweetheart now that hurt that hurt that criticism sure sure we're not robots it does hurt right it's okay so sweetheart that was challenging oh sweetheart that was embarrassing right to pull us out of the judging ourselves right oh sweetheart to bring us into our body to feel so using the breath and coming in and feeling the experience of resisting.

So while we have this is not a new instruction I do think we kind of make this misstep in that we identify ah I see what's happening here the chasing the validation you know the judge you know I see you Mara disguised as this right we see it and then we'll use the breath we'll come into the body maybe use some self-compassion but just stay for a couple of breaths and then we come right back up into our thoughts again there's a lot of bypassing of the feelings because we so fear our feelings we don't want to feel unpleasant feelings and we have this idea that somehow and and particularly in spirituality where we think I can bypass having to having to experience my feelings I can just see through the illusion of the ego I can understand kind of how this cycle of suffering and I can just do it this way without having to feel but that's just the ego coming in another way right you see like I see you judging I see it I see it right but we don't want to come in and feel it and that's just the ego slipping in another back door it's just kind of oh don't look don't look up don't look up I'm here but don't feel don't feel either don't come in and feel this right it's just further resistance it's pushing back again but we don't notice it we keep just thinking no I shouldn't feel this I shouldn't come into my body and feel this that somehow I can just keep pulling myself out without having to experience my feelings whatever we resist will persist we need to come in and feel it and we have spent our whole lives distracting ourselves from feeling our unpleasant feelings right with the more right reaching for our phone the news social media youtube netflix um you know more you know more information more knowledge this book that book activities endless activities now I'm learning this now I'm doing this all with this way of if I can just keep busy if I can just stay a couple you know couple beats ahead of it right it won't catch me and I won't have to feel those pesky feelings numbing ourselves alcohol drugs right anything but feeling our unpleasant feelings and even how we use spirituality to distract ourselves from feeling our unpleasant feelings that when we're experiencing something that sense of doubt that sense of uh of um being unworthy unlovable which is characteristic of the ego right when we feel that and we're and we're so you know the story's terrifying us we're all bundled up like a you know just kind of all tightened up inside we're a bundle of nerves and instead of coming in and feeling we'll reach for a dharma talk right oh maybe that'll make me feel better and on the scale of things we could reach for I will say that the dharma talk is is one of the more skillful things and hopefully maybe on that dharma talk then you get pointed to the fact of you've got to feel this you've got eventually you have to put the dharma talk down you got to feel this or even when we use something like gratitude as a uh as a distraction from feeling something unpleasant well let me just focus on all the things I'm grateful for right and it's and of course I think gratitude is a beautiful practice but not if it's distracting us from feeling not if we're using it as a way to avoid feeling unpleasant feelings and so our practice is to come in I see you Mara I feel you I feel you to come in and feel whatever is happening in the body to talk ourselves through it as much as we can right that's no problem with kind self-talk that's not the ego not all thinking thinking is not the enemy we don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water right sweetheart you can feel this it's okay to feel this right it's okay to talk ourselves through coming in to feel what's happening in our body our feelings will not kill us we are so terrified of what's happening in here of coming into our feelings of of what might come out of it this big pandora's box that we might be opening it just prevents us from coming in and feeling at all but if we come in and we feel it and we breathe into it and we create some space and say it's okay to feel this it's okay to feel this and it's okay to have this unpleasant sensation something was triggered something's going on an old habit playing out it's okay the thoughts the story is not true is not happening but what you're feeling is happening is true and needs us to it needs our attention right so we bring our attention and we feel it and we feel that sense of accepting of welcoming what's here not to push it away and this is again why we we kind of go through steps one two and then we you know we come to the feeling but nope it didn't go away so let me go back up and try and push back we're not doing this to push the feelings away we're doing this to feel what is happening here and that is a really big distinction that we often just gloss over it didn't work it didn't work they didn't go away oh so you went in there pushing back there was the ego again just up against the wall kind of high oh she's not even noticing me here yeah she saw me in the doubt she saw me in the judging she's not even seeing me here whew i'll just kind of blend into the wall here right the ego has just slipped in another back door to feel it to come in when you come in and you feel the actual the physical sensations the the the unvarnished bare physical sensations of your experience not the story the story is terrifying story is a nightmare when you come in and feel in your body it's unpleasant it's unpleasant but it's just unpleasant and the more that you will you breathe kind of in even just opening up creating space and allowing what is here to be here the more that you do that the more relaxed you are mentally around it yes it goes from you know maybe a level 10 to maybe a six on the pain scale you know one to ten of pain right just by taking the story out because most of the terror is in the story of believing there's a little me up here that can't handle this anymore the little me of how i how am i going to handle this in 10 minutes in 20 minutes in 30 minutes it's never going to change that's what's terrorizing us but we come in and we feel it in this moment and we allow it to be we accept it this is what's here it needs our kindness it needs our attention it needs some space to exist and if we can even just get those 10 breaths those 10 welcoming breaths allowing what's here to be here we do take the intensity down of what it is that we're experiencing enough to a point where we're out of the trance the fear you know the kind of fear that the paralyzing fear that can come along in our unpleasant emotions because now we're just with the feeling we're just with the feeling right the emotion an emotion is a thought plus a feeling and so we've taken the thought out we've taken the story out and we just come in and we feel what it is that's happening and every time we do that every time we come in and we're able to be with our unpleasant feelings then we free ourselves from the illusion of the ego the jig is really up and as we get more comfortable coming into the unpleasant feelings and feeling them not pushing them away but saying it's okay i can bear this in this moment i can feel it in the after 10 breaths after 10 breaths it's not again you're going to have dialed it back it's not again you're going to have dialed it back a little bit but you're to the point where you're like okay and i can be with this however long it needs to be here however long it needs to be here it can be here and if you have the time you can still just sit there with it and be you know practice self-compassion talk to it it's okay that you're here it's okay it's okay as long as you need to be here completely changing our relationship because awakening on this path does not mean that we don't experience feelings and emotions we do we're not turning into robots we still experience things but the more that you you you see the doubt i see you doubt and you see that way that feeling we all know that feeling that the fear that's coming on with the doubt you ah here it is and you can't you drop in and you feel it really feeling it not pushing it away every time you do that it loses its intensity and then you just see out here it is i know exactly what to do i can be here with it i can be here with it with kindness with all my attention not pushing it away allowing it to be here and it loses it's uh it lose the fear has a less of an impact on us because we fear what we don't know and the more that we can come into our experience and fully know it in this moment the less overwhelming it is for us and so we want to feel this we want to feel this like really say to yourself you know i feel you mara i feel you mara like like a southern baptist you know minister i feel you mara i feel you right really come into it it's okay you're here right feel what is here lie down on the floor and say give me all you got it will not kill us your feelings will not kill you we so fear opening as though this pandora's box we're going to unleash this pandora's box and as a disclaimer of course with deep trauma this should be done with a therapist it should be done with someone that a good therapist will guide you into feeling what you're feeling and be there to support you the entire time right so of course if it's deep trauma we we might need the help of a therapist um if it's if it's not deep trauma if it's just kind of the everyday trauma of our ego just keep coming in and feeling it just noticing just disappointment oh here i see you disappointment i feel your disappointment right 60 to 90 seconds is all it takes for that neurochemistry to break to rebalance on disappointment right the more intense emotions it takes longer than 60 to 90 seconds but all these little things all these little moments right just the the delays the traffic the you're on hold with customer service all these little things which are a normal part of life everyone experiences them that we get so lost in the story of pushing back i'm the only one that's on hold with customer service you and 10 million other people right but you might be the only one practicing self-compassion well sweetheart this is tough i feel you i feel the dissatisfaction of customer service right come in and feel it breathe into it be with it to come out of the illusion of separateness the illusion of suffering we're not having to lie on a bed of nails we're just on hold right we we we make this into this just this enormous story of how i'm a victim and this is such a nightmare it's like yeah it's unpleasant you know it's definitely um you know sitting around having a nice latte getting a pedicure sure much nicer no problem and yet anytime we are willing to come back into the present moment to feel what's happening to come in and accept it what we find is the peace that is always here because the peace that we are really seeking is the absence of grasping of craving of clinging of pushing back it is the absence of those things it's being here even in our unpleasant emotions when we stop pushing back on them we can be here and experience them in this moment and feel the peace that is always right here so this is our practice this week to really feel what's going on in here to not shy away from our unpleasant emotions the only way to heal is to feel right such a little cliche but it's so true we spend most of our lives just running away from feeling unpleasant emotions unpleasant feelings and we've got to come in when you come in they are not nearly as scary and terrifying as you think they are it's the ego that's trying to stop you from coming in because if you come in and feel it the jig is up the spell is broken it doesn't want you to come in and feel it it wants you to stay lost in the trance so to feel to really practice feeling not just feeling the unpleasant emotions but also from last week feeling like we were saying noticing the chasing the happiness right i could you can be sitting there getting a pedicure having a nice latte but if your mind is believing your happiness is on the other side of that moment you're not feeling good right so to keep coming back and and noticing how you're feeling if you're judging come in and feel it if you're judging yourself for judging come in and feel it just come in and feel it ah okay right if i have to go clean something up after this and apologize to someone okay i'll go do that right but come back and feel it that need for validation that that that pushing back on criticism come in and feel it that trying to control everyone and ourselves just come in and feel it come in and feel it this is where you will break the spell every time you come in and feel it the ego is freaking out this is where the jig is up it's like when the in the wizard of oz when the house comes down on the evil witch and she disintegrates she dissolves into nothing when you come into your body and you feel that which you fear that which is unpleasant the most powerful thing and most courageous thing you can do to come in and feel that the ego dissolves remember the ego is an illusion it does not inherently exist existing on its own it only exists in thoughts and that's not to say that every now and then it comes across with a decent thought right even a clock is right twice a day right a broken clock sorry is right twice a day every now and then the ego comes in with something valuable for us it's not all bad but we have taken everything that it says to be true and mostly what we do because we're so lost in the thoughts and the stories is that it keeps us from coming in and feeling our experience now keeping us in this place of fear and resistance so one like we walk around almost to the point like one more thing and i'm just going to explode right because we're just trying to hold it all in so tightly instead of coming in and feeling and allowing and accepting that everything we want is right here the piece that we want is right here and now

Reviews

somehow i missed this ego talk. i love how to talk to Mara lol like a southern baptist preacher lol. but that helps!!! and thanks for the info that emotions like doubt dissolve in about three minutes. also helpful. and i’m glad you mentioned feelings from trauma can be too much sometimes (same with grief. i was seeing a cardiologist the first three months after Ray died. hospice suggested making appointments with my grief early on because it was too much) thanks 🙏 🌹♥️🌙✨🌹♥️🌙✨🌹♥️🌙✨🌹

LOVED this ego series! It is excellent! Thank you and Namaste, Meredith💕🙏🏼💕