Taking The Suffering Out Of Challenging Situations

Using the Buddha's Wisdom of the Two Arrows, we investigate where the suffering in difficult situations is really coming from. Because our default is to resist that which is unpleasant and push back, we become so focused on thinking something shouldn't be happening we don't even realize how we are causing our own suffering. The suffering isn't coming from the challenging situation, but that we get lost in the story of "why it shouldn't be happening."

Knowing where the suffering is coming from we can then start to release it.

Transcript

Last week,

We talked about the chasing mind,

That mind movement of always believing there's a little me that's going to be happy in the future.

If I can just get over there,

If I can just get something,

Then I'll be happy.

And I had asked us to be really mindful,

Really aware of this mind movement the last week,

To really look for it,

To notice that constricting that happens,

That tension that happens every time that chasing mind arises.

And then to breathe into it,

To feel it.

So,

To be aware that while the chasing mind is telling me my happiness is over there,

What it's really doing is making me unhappy now.

I'm feeling this tension,

I'm feeling this anxiety,

I'm feeling this fear of not getting there.

And so,

It's to really bring our attention to notice what is it that's going on here?

Because we so believe that little voice that my happiness is over there.

So,

We're putting a spotlight on it and going,

Well,

What's really happening?

And I asked you also not just to feel what's happening,

Like to notice the tension,

The anxiety that's arising,

But to also ask yourself,

Where is this little me that's going to be happy in the future?

To look for it,

Because our whole lives,

It has been cracking the whip and we have been running as fast as we can to get over there because it tells us we'll be happy over there.

So,

We should see,

We should look and see,

Is it even real?

So,

The little me that arises,

That arises through chasing,

The other side of chasing is resisting,

Is pushing back,

Is aversion.

This is how the sense of me,

The sense of the separate self,

The ego,

How it arises.

I either think my happiness is out there in the future or somewhere other than where I am,

Or I think that I'm unhappy because I'm getting something I don't want and I'm pushing back on it.

So,

These are two sides of the same coin,

Chasing and resisting.

I want this over there,

I'll be happy if I get what I want,

And resisting,

Pushing back,

I'm going to be unhappy because I'm getting what I don't want.

And underneath the chasing and resisting,

These two mind movements,

I'll be happy over there,

Chasing and resisting,

Wanting,

Not wanting,

Desire,

Fear,

Is all the little disguises of the ego,

The doubting,

The worrying,

The comparing,

The judging,

The jealousy,

The controlling,

The scorekeeping,

But it's still these two same mind movements.

It's either pushing back on something or it's wanting something.

And I think to some degree,

It is easier to see how the chasing mind,

The chasing happiness in the future is causing us unhappiness now.

We've all gotten lots of these things that we've chased in the future and when we bring more attention to it,

We realize,

Wow,

It really didn't bring me as much happiness as I thought.

And given how unpleasant it feels right now,

I can breathe into this and I can let it go.

I can look for it,

See that it doesn't exist.

It's a little bit easier for us to let it go.

But on the resisting mind,

The pushing back mind,

We're pushing back on something that we perceive as being unpleasant.

And so we don't really see,

Well,

Why shouldn't I push back on it?

It's unpleasant.

I don't want it.

And so I want to use the Buddha's teaching of the two arrows to help us see where the suffering is coming in.

So the first arrow comes in.

We're stuck in traffic.

We've got a flat tire.

We've got a pain in our knee.

We've got a broken iPhone.

We've got a broken generator.

We've got a difficult person in our lives,

Right?

The first arrow comes in and we get these things.

And then we launch the second arrow,

Which is the story of why it shouldn't be happening,

Of why I shouldn't be stuck in the traffic jam,

Of why my flight shouldn't be delayed,

Of why I shouldn't have a difficult person in my life,

Of why I shouldn't be feeling this pain in my knee.

This is all the pushing back.

It shouldn't be happening,

Even though it's happening.

In fact,

A lot of the times,

Though,

It isn't happening.

It's even just we're imagining it happening in the future.

But what we're painting it as is this nightmare.

This is a nightmare because of this.

And we can spend hours lost in the story of pushing back on something,

Of why something shouldn't have happened,

Or why something shouldn't happen.

We can spend so much time lost in the story of it,

Believing that all of my suffering is really coming from this outer situation,

This external situation.

I'm so convinced that my suffering is because of the noisy neighbor,

That my suffering is because of the difficult person.

My suffering is because that person doesn't agree with me.

We are so utterly convinced of it.

We don't even look to see that the second arrow,

The story,

Is actually all of the suffering.

Everyone gets the first arrow,

Right?

The first arrow,

You get the noisy neighbor.

You're sitting down,

You're ready to meditate,

And your neighbor is being noisy.

They're playing music,

Or they're mowing the lawn at that time.

That's the first arrow.

Yeah,

Something that,

It's an unpleasant,

Slightly unpleasant,

It's really neutral.

It's quite a neutral condition,

But I'll even give you it's slightly unpleasant.

But the second arrow comes in,

It shouldn't be happening.

I can't meditate like this.

This is too noisy.

He always does it at this time.

He's mowing the lawn too early,

And the HOA rules say you're not allowed to mow the lawn at this time,

And I should do this,

And I should march down and fire off an email to our HOA president,

And I should get them in trouble,

And I should imagine all the things that I'll say.

That's the suffering.

The noise,

It's just a sound.

It's just a sound.

We are imputing all of this badness on the sound,

And how it's affecting me negatively.

That's the second arrow.

That's where all the tightening comes in again,

Where the anger comes in,

The resentment,

The irritation,

The frustration.

That's where the suffering is coming from.

The second arrow,

When we have the difficult person in our lives,

Someone who's just not particularly pleasant to be around.

That's the first arrow.

The second arrow is the constant telling ourselves of how much we wish we didn't have this difficult person in our lives.

Having this conversation with ourselves,

Mostly when they're not even around.

So where's the suffering coming from?

They're not even here.

But we bring the difficult person into our mind,

And we keep feeding on it.

They're so annoying,

And they shouldn't say this.

They should do this,

And I should say this to them instead.

And if I said this to them,

Then God,

They would get it.

I'm sure.

Now let me just rehearse that again.

Let me just go through it again,

And again,

And again.

And there's the tightening,

And there's the constriction,

And there's the suffering,

And the anger,

And the judgment.

There's the suffering.

It's the second arrow.

We can't stop the first arrow.

Everybody gets the first arrow.

It doesn't matter how wealthy you are,

How much power you have,

How enlightened you are.

The Dalai Lama gets the first arrow,

Too.

Everybody gets the first arrow.

We have the highs and lows of life,

The ups and downs,

Right?

Gain and loss,

Pleasure and pain,

Praise and blame,

Right?

We have the ups and downs.

Everyone has this experience.

But every time we get the loss,

The blame,

The traffic jam,

The difficult person,

The noisy neighbor,

Every time we get that first arrow,

Our default is to fire off the second arrow.

And so what we end up doing is taking what would have been just an unpleasant situation.

Oh,

There's a little bit of noise right now while I'm trying to meditate,

Okay?

Or,

Oh,

Yeah,

This difficult person,

And sometimes you have to see them,

But,

You know,

You don't have to have them in your head when you're not around them,

Right?

Be a little bit of a short-term,

Difficult,

Unpleasant situation.

We take that little bit of discomfort,

And we draw it out into this long-term suffering because we carry the story around us,

You know,

Like an amulet around our neck,

Like we don't let it go.

We carry that story with us from,

You know,

One day to the next day to the next day,

Believing so wholeheartedly that our suffering is coming because of what's happening out there,

Because of this difficult person,

The traffic jam,

Because the pain in my knee,

Because my iPhone broke,

Because I have this bill,

Because that person doesn't agree with me,

So believing that it's coming from outside of us and never pausing to look and say,

Am I the one that's adding the suffering because I'm resisting?

I'm resisting this.

What's happening?

I mean,

Every time we say,

Just saying to ourselves,

This shouldn't be happening,

Even though it's happening,

That's the second arrow,

You know?

But they shouldn't be doing it.

That's the second arrow.

But I'm right.

They were so rude.

It was so awful.

That's the second arrow.

But I'm really disappointed.

They really disappointed me this time.

That's the second arrow.

We're so convinced in our rightness that this shouldn't be happening.

We don't even realize that we are launching the second arrow.

And the second arrow,

By the way,

Is going in here.

You know,

I'm right.

They shouldn't be doing this.

And we just keep plunging it in again and again and again.

We will cling to our suffering in the name of being right,

In the name of holding on to our story,

In the name of saying it shouldn't be happening,

And not stop for one moment to see,

Where is my suffering coming from?

And we want to flow with life.

This is what we all say.

I want to flow with life.

I want to feel more at ease.

I want to feel more peaceful.

I want to be more happy.

But if every time we get the first arrow,

We then launch the second arrow,

We're never going to find that flow.

Because we're always going to be,

You know,

It's going to be this jerky motion the whole time.

You know,

We're trying to hold back the tide.

Right?

And it's in the second arrow,

That's how the ego gets launched in the resisting,

In the it shouldn't be happening.

The ego has to attach to something in order to arise.

If I'm accepting of the noisy neighbor,

And I'm not pushing back on it,

There's no suffering.

There's nothing for the ego to attach to there.

If I'm accepting of the difficult person,

Not calling him up and asking him to go out to tea,

But if I'm accepting,

Yes,

I have a difficult person in my life.

Right?

And I truly am accepting,

And I'm not pushing back on it.

There is nothing for the ego to attach to.

If it has nothing to attach to,

It cannot arise.

So without the second,

Without the second arrow,

Without the resisting,

Without the pushing back,

There is no ego.

Without the ego,

We're not suffering.

And I'm not suggesting that this doesn't mean that we don't have something to do when we get the first arrow,

Right?

If you got the flat tire,

You know,

Get the jack out of the back or call AAA or call someone,

Like change the tire.

If you've got a pain in your back or in your knee,

Like put some cream on it,

Take a hot bath,

Take a Tylenol,

Right?

Do something.

If you've,

If someone's criticized you,

If you've made a fool of yourself,

If you said something stupid,

Practice self-compassion,

Right?

If you have the difficult person in your life,

Practice loving-kindness meditation.

I'm not suggesting we don't do something.

What I'm suggesting is we don't resist it.

We don't resist the first arrow because that is where the suffering is coming from.

So for our practice this week,

What I'm asking us to do is to look for the resisting mind,

To be on the lookout for it,

To know that it's going to arise.

You're carrying around stories of resisting of things that were happening 10 and 20 years ago.

Notice the blame.

Notice the pointing the finger outwards.

They're the problem.

They're the reason I'm suffering,

Right?

Know that's a good indication.

We know this,

Right?

Uh-oh,

Uh-oh.

I think it might be coming from here.

This might be the second arrow.

Okay,

Let me investigate it.

Let me see what's going on,

Right?

So with that mindfulness of being,

You know,

Aware of what's happening,

Coming into the body,

Feeling it,

Again,

Feeling that tightness and that constriction and breathing some space into it,

Right?

And as we breathe and we come in and feel the body,

You know,

We are coming out of the story that was creating all of the tension and the suffering,

Right?

And we do start to create a little bit of space and we can feel that sense of letting go of the suffering because the suffering is in the story.

It's not in the ache.

It's not in the person.

It's not in the noisy neighbor.

It's not in the flat tire.

It's in the story,

In the pushing back on it that this shouldn't be happening.

That's where the suffering is coming from.

And then as I asked you to do last week as well,

And now look for the one that's suffering.

Look for the one that's so angry,

That's so outraged by what's happening,

That's so irritated and so frustrated and so disappointed.

Look inside because it feels so real that there is this little me at the heart of the story because the way the language is worded,

The way we talk to ourselves,

I'm so unhappy.

That's the arising of the ego attaching to the unhappiness.

Right?

And it feels so convincing that this little image of me is real and we take it at face value because our whole lives we've believed this little image and we've run around frantically trying to please it.

So look for it.

Look for it.

Look inside and see if you can locate a decision in your left arm.

I can't find it in there.

Is it in my right arm?

And I'm really being serious.

Look for it.

You know,

Is it in my legs?

I can't find it there.

Is it in my torso?

Because now we're starting to get to,

Oh no,

It's probably in there somewhere.

Or it's in here.

Look for it.

If you are so believing that there is something suffering and angry and irritated and upset,

You should be able to locate it upon looking for it.

But without the thought,

I'm angry about this,

The ego is now gone because it was just an illusion.

It's just arising through particular kinds of thoughts,

Chasing and resisting and then it passes away.

So when you then go and look for it,

What you find is there's nothing there.

You're pulling the curtain back on it and going,

Oh,

You know,

I've been listening to you my whole life and I so just believed you were real.

But when I look for you,

I can't find you.

So doesn't that start to give us some evidence of the illusory nature of the ego that we can start to let go of this?

It's just attached to the thought,

The resisting,

The second arrow.

And I know for some people it becomes a little bit,

A little bit disconcerting when we hear about,

I'm not the ego because we've identified with the ego so much.

I mean,

Seriously,

From like four or five years old,

Some point on the playground,

All of a sudden we started to become self-conscious.

All of a sudden we went from playing and having fun to worrying about what everyone was thinking about us and whether I was wearing the right clothes or not,

Whether I was going to be picked on the team or not.

Do they like me?

Right?

All of a sudden there's this self-consciousness.

It just kind of just happens one day.

And then for the rest of our lives,

We carry that image with us through adulthood,

That self-consciousness,

That way that we distort our perception of reality.

And we have so taken it to be who we are that we just 100% believe this is,

I've been criticized,

I'm wounded.

I'm wounded.

Who's wounded?

It's here.

Trust me,

It's here.

Where?

Where is it?

It's the thought.

And so it's not that,

And again,

It's not that you don't exist.

Like this is what people then kind of fall back on.

Well,

Then if I'm not the ego,

Is all,

You know,

What does any of this mean?

You still exist.

You're still there.

I'm still here.

It's just that you are here without all the suffering.

You're here without all the anger and the resentment and the doubt and the worries and the fears and the what do they think about me and the what did I think about me?

And oh my God,

I can't believe I said that back there and I'm so stupid and now they must think I'm such an idiot.

And oh my God,

What do I think about me?

And oh my God,

I'm such an idiot.

It's just me without all of that.

You still exist.

I mean,

You don't exist the way you think you exist.

You're not this solid independent me.

That's what the ego leads you to believe,

That you are a solid little independent me.

But you are arising in each moment,

Just like everything else in this universe is arising in each moment based on causes and conditions and changing moment by moment by moment by moment.

You are never the same person from moment to moment.

Just as you can't step into the same river twice.

You are never the same person from moment to moment.

Millions and billions and trillions of causes and conditions of things that are happening and things that aren't happening that are shaping each and every one of us in each moment.

We're just,

There's nothing solid there to stick to and you still exist.

You've existed like this your whole life.

You didn't fall down.

You didn't fall apart.

You didn't,

You know,

You didn't just magically disappear.

You've still been going along just fine.

And so we want to flow,

Right?

We say,

I want to flow.

You are flowing.

You are flowing when you're flowing without the ego.

You are flowing without,

When you are not identifying with the ego.

Because otherwise you've got your,

You know,

One foot on the brake and one foot on the accelerator.

Just constantly,

You know,

Pressing them both,

Pressing them down at the same time even,

Right?

Burning out the engine,

Burning out us.

Why do you think we get burned out?

It's the ego,

Right?

We can't take it anymore.

So we're still,

You still have your preferences.

I still like,

You know,

I'll still like Diet Coke without the ego.

I'll still like dogs without the ego.

You will still have your likes and preferences and things that you don't like,

Right?

You know,

Not too much changes on that.

It's just that you're more at peace.

You're more at ease.

You're happier.

Because man,

That ego is a burden.

It's a burden.

That voice,

That nagging,

Constantly just nagging in our head,

Giving us really,

Really bad advice.

So,

So we are looking for the resisting mind this week.

I'm not suggesting that we ignore the chasing mind.

Little bit more focused on the resisting mind this week.

Definitely,

If you notice the chasing,

Same thing.

Be aware,

Come into your body,

Breathe.

Look for the one that's gonna be happy in the future.

See if you can find it,

You know?

And then the resisting,

The resisting is harder to let go of.

We so feel justified in our pushing back.

It's gonna be a little bit harder.

But you gotta see for yourself,

The suffering is coming from the second arrow,

From the story.

Come into your body,

Breathe,

Feel it.

And then look for the one that's pushing back.

Look for the one that thinks this shouldn't be happening.

Look for the one that's angry this is happening.

Look for it and see for yourself.

So you can let go and you can flow again and be more at ease and be more peaceful and be kinder and more compassionate,

More forgiving and more patient,

More grateful,

Right?

Those are all the qualities we want.

They don't exist alongside the ego.

You can't be chasing and resisting and have compassion and kindness and forgiveness,

Right?

They don't exist at the same time.

So we're gonna be looking for the resisting mind movement this week.

And I would suggest,

Like I'd suggested last week,

Put some little sticky notes around your house.

Put two arrows,

You know,

Just as little reminders.

Put them around,

We forget,

We simply forget.

And the default is the second arrow.

So fast,

That's so fast.

It's gonna be a lot of extracting the second arrow and not catching it mid-flight.

It's gonna be,

Oh,

It's already in.

I've got to pull it out now.

And then see as you do it and you pull out and you go,

Man,

I was so convinced that my suffering was because I said something stupid.

I was so convinced that's what it was.

And then you pull it out and you go,

That wasn't the suffering at all.

It was the story,

It was the pushing back on it.

Reviews

Meredith has such a beautiful way if expkaining things. I am so happy i found her🙏

Thank you for this. All of the examples really helped. discreetly expanded my understanding of the second arrow teaching. I’ve been suffering with my second arrow of the story of the difficult person at work that got promoted to be someone I report to. I’ve also trying to release the second arrow about my emotionally immature mom. I limited direct contact. Her presence and martyrdom seeps in through her interactions with my kiddos, and from her flying monkey sister.

Exceptional talk.

Simple concepts, yet profound.

Good reminder of thought patterns to work to reduce personal suffering.

Excellent teaching of the 2 arrows, 1st is a certainty , the 2nd is optional and creates the suffering. I need to repeat this talk again and again so it sinks in fully. Thank you 🙏

I love this explanation. Please do more like this, topics of human suffering where we can alleviate our own suffering with the right understanding.

That was really pleasant and helpful and delightfully told 😊 i really liked and enjoyed this 😊 one of my new favourites 😊 thank you so much teacher 😊

I attended this live session and found it very helpful. But, I love that you made it available here because I found I missed a couple of excellent points you made. Thank you for your live and recorded sessions! I’m so happy to have found you here on IT. Looking forward to your next one. Namaste 🙏🏼

Thank you. So helpful as I am accompanying my teenage son through his learning of independence. 🙏

Thank you, Meredith. It was a pleasure hearing this again. Many years ago, someone told me to stop having conversations with people who aren't in the room. That is the second arrow. When I do extended ruminating, it seems to be a whole quiver of arrows, not just the second one.