Stop Comparing To Other People

In today's dharma talk, we look at the 3rd Mindful Mantra, Peace is Not Comparing. To understand why we have this gut reaction to compare in a negative way? Why do we feel as though someone else's gain is our loss? And ultimately how can we be happy by being free of comparing.

Transcript

We are up to the third mindful mantra which is peace is not comparing and we are not talking about the type of comparing that is useful.

The comparing where we are analyzing,

We're weighing up the pros and cons,

Trying to make a decision like that's helpful that's useful for us.

Talking about social comparing where we are compulsively and continuously comparing ourselves to other people,

Looking at what other people have and imagining how happy they are,

Imagining how much better their lives are than ours and making us really unhappy at the same time.

And I find like all of this it's so helpful to look at this through an evolutionary lens because there is something particular going on with comparing that makes it a little distressing for us with social comparing.

And again we always have to think that for hundreds of thousands of years our brain evolved for a different world than the world we live in today.

That that world was very very fixed in many ways.

It had a limited amount of resources,

There were a limited amount of potential mates,

A limited amount of rungs on the hierarchy ladder.

That if if someone was moving up the hierarchy then that automatically means you or someone else is moving down.

That someone else's gain has to be someone else's loss.

It was a zero-sum game world and that if there were only a couple of good potential mates and they were looking at a couple of the other women and not you,

Well their gain of getting those good potential mates was your loss.

It was a zero-sum game.

But today's world is the exact opposite of that where we have an abundance of resources,

An abundance of potential mates,

An abundance of opportunities.

That if if your your best friend has a new partner it's not a loss to you because there's an enormous pool of potential mates for you.

That if someone gets a promotion even if it's in the same firm,

Even if even where you were going for that same job,

Their promotion is not your loss.

You're just still staying the same.

It's not a zero-sum game.

Someone else's gain is not my loss.

And in our world while it's not a zero-sum game,

There's a double-edged sword here because we see an inordinate amount of people winning,

Gaining on a daily basis more than our little lizard brains can handle.

So when we see someone getting the pay raise and we have that that of course we have the thought you know good for you yay then there's also that little knee-jerk reaction of I didn't get the raise or if someone gets the promotion I'm happy for you but then there's that that little punch in the gut oh I didn't get the promotion or someone gets a new car and and that again that reaction just oh I didn't get a new car what's going on what's wrong it feels as though we are losing because they are gaining and we forget that this is simply a legacy a carryover from our ancestors of believing that someone else's gain is our loss because that's how it used to be but instead of acknowledging that that that's what's happening right now it's just a it's a knee-jerk reaction it's a little punch in the gut and it's you almost can't stop it it was just so ingrained in us for so long instead of breathing into it of being mindful of saying peace is not comparing we tell ourselves this elaborate story about how happy they must be and how their life's amazing and they must not have any stress and their lives are just so perfect and and even though we've had the new car in the past and it didn't make us eternally happy or take away all of our stress or even though we've gotten the pay raise in the promotion and it didn't do any of those things for us it doesn't stop us from imputing all of these qualities on them how eternally happy they must be and therefore we're keeping alive this lie that happiness is something external happiness is something outside of us and it keeps propelling the grass is always greener where we're always thinking what someone else has is better than what we have and therefore they must be happier so we see it when the the in the office setting when when the employee sitting in their cubicle working away sees the CEO walking down the hallway and looking in their $10,

000 suit and cropped hair and polished shoes and getting all the respect of everyone if the employee looks at the CEO and thinks man if only our with a CEO I'd be so happy I wouldn't have to worry about bills anymore I wouldn't have any stress everyone would respect me my life would be so perfect imputing all these qualities on the CEO based on what they think it's probably like and while it's probably good a lot of the time maybe on that particular day the CEO just came out of a tough board meeting a tough shareholder meeting and then they compare like everyone else looking at the employee in the cubicle thinking man if only I were them I could go home tonight and take the weight of this company off I wouldn't have to think about it I wouldn't have all the burdens and the responsibilities of being the CEO so the employee imputing on the CEO wow he must be so happy and the CEO imputing on the employee wow he must be so happy you know the single person coming home to an empty house at night and and thinking wow I bet my married friends are so happy and they come home there's always someone there they're never eating alone they snuggle on the sofa and watch a movie together but then the married person well they probably have a lot of good times it's probably thinking man one night I just like to come home to an empty house to just do what I want to do to just watch what I want to watch to not have anyone else to have to consider so there's the married person imputing just eternal happiness on the single person and the single person imputing eternal happiness on the married person because what we are conveniently leaving out is that there is married person suffering and there is single person suffering and there is CEO suffering and there is employee suffering that no matter what what you have there is always another side to it and this is where the grass is always greener keeps getting fueled because we conveniently leave out the bad side the other side that is always there we don't see the whole picture when we're comparing and when we're we're so focused on what it is that someone else has in this wanting right this is the chasing mind we're so focused on it we don't even realize how it is this this vicious circle that actually that comes full circle that when the the the aspiring actress has the the soap opera star sitting at her table and she's like oh man it would just be so great to be the soap opera star and and the soap opera star though meanwhile is looking at the next table thinking man there's the prime TV star I'd love to be the prime TV star and the prime TV star is looking across the room at the movie star and thinking oh man if I could just be the movie star I'd be so happy and then the movie star is looking at the young starlet walking in the door and thinking oh no they're coming for me because I'm getting old now and they're the fresh young ones and it's this this full circle of everyone wanting to be wanting what someone else has but that person doesn't want it either they just want what the next person has because this is the wanting the chasing the desire that we talked about it's comparing but it's coming in as chasing wanting what they have and resisting not wanting what it is that I have it's not trying to make us happy it's just putting us in this perpetual wanting mode and perpetual resisting mode feeling dissatisfied with where we are simply because our eyes landed on someone else on what they had and this is how chasing and resisting comes in the back door it's so sneaky and yet comparing does have that that it's a specific mode that can tell us what's going on chasing and resisting it's happening in there for sure we talked about this last week it's always these two mind modes what do I want what do I not want but it can be the more clearer we are on what's happening I'm comparing I'm comparing yes you are chasing and you're resisting but in it identifying that you are comparing you start to identify where the suffering is coming from oh because it's not what they have that's causing the suffering it's the comparing it's what Theodore Roosevelt said comparison is the thief of joy you will never find happiness if you're comparing peace is not comparing and of course we would be remiss to not talk about social media alongside comparing and we know so we know when we go on social media it's a wanting system it's not a liking system it's a wanting system we're looking for something you can tell yourself oh it's my morning routine I just want to check in with all my friends right you want something it's a wanting system or I'm just bored I'm stuck in line I just want to see what's going on you want something from this system so you go on and you're scrolling through your newsfeed and you see some friends are in New Zealand they're at the top of some mountains like wow it's pretty cool you know like comment you know good friends happy for them and then you keep scrolling and see a bunch of friends out to dinner and they look so happy it's like oh well yeah good for them and you keep scrolling and oh and look at such-and-such who just got a book deal and wow and good for them but this whole time you're comparing you don't even realize it and what you're comparing is you're sitting in your living room and they're in New Zealand or you're stuck in line and they're all out to dinner you know or you're you know just on hold with customer service and they're getting book deals so you're comparing your everyday mundane moments to someone else's highlight reel and conveniently leaving out a lot of details the long flight to New Zealand where their backs were aching and the food sucked and the customs lines and the getting up at 3 a.

M.

To start trudging up the mountain now all the things that had to take place and and all fine all good things you know I'm not saying you wouldn't want to do it but we're just seeing the one little snapshot the one little image we're not seeing the whole picture or the dinner when everyone's yay right and the drinks are up and you know we look so happy right okay let's look at them at the end when everyone's trying to divide up the bill ten ways everyone's feeling a little tense because are you sure you didn't get that or when the waiter didn't deliver their you know brought your meal late or or when you're waiting for the table again just conveniently leaving out the whole picture and the book deal oh man they've got it made look at them they've got a book deal well they got a lot of work ahead of them a lot of deadlines you know enjoy the fine of course enjoy the win of the book deal but remember the whole picture and remember that your little lizard brain can't handle this it simply cannot handle all this comparing of you doing having a mundane moment life is filled with mostly mundane moments I mean probably 60% of our life is mundane moments waiting in line doing the dishes showering putting on makeup walking the dogs that's not a mundane moment but feeding the dogs maybe right all of this is the majority of our life is mundane moments and then maybe if we're lucky we have 20% of super high exciting moments and maybe it's 10 to 20 percent of where it's real like we've lost someone or something someone's not well where we have those down moments but the bulk of our life is just simply mundane moments and there we are comparing our mundane moments most of the time to everyone else's highlight real because they're not up the top of the mountain scrolling and looking at everyone else's stuff or if they are scrolling and looking to see how many likes and comments they got so it's another kind of suffering but we have this unrealistic comparing with social media of our mundane moments and everyone's highlight real I mean if you just go back and look at your own highlight real you go oh yeah I have good moments too right I've had a good life but we don't see the whole picture when we look through social media like that and we are reinforcing this belief again that we are trying to up end this belief that happiness is something outside of us because that's not where happiness is and we're trying to up end this belief and every time we're on there doing social media we are reinforcing that belief don't underestimate how powerful this comparing is how our little lizard brain is taking this all in you're not smarter than the algorithms we're not we have to know this before going if you go on social media and not telling everyone to not do social media it there are some benefits to social media clearly there are but when technology starts to own us it's not a benefit if you're going on social media I mean do some breathing beforehand say the mantra peace is not comparing limit your time on there there's just not a chance in hell you're gonna go on there if you go on unconsciously just kind of following the same routine and you do it without being aware of what's happening you're gonna start comparing and you're gonna start to feel bad and all the studies show when we go on social media we feel bad and it doesn't matter if you're the popular person on social media because they're still comparing themselves to someone else all the influencers on social media I couldn't think of a worse job in the world because every time you're posting trying to make your life look better than it really is you also need more and more you're comparing to how many likes you got on the previous post how many comments you got on the previous but how many shares you got constant comparing social media is a comparing nightmare and we have to know that and it is a nightmare for children and if you have children or Sophie you're a teacher Deborah I think you're a teacher as well I mean it should be illegal for children quite frankly because kids remember when we were all young like how hard it was and we didn't even have social media you're developing your your self-image your sense of belonging your your self-worth you know around your group of friends right this is what it's about and wanting to fit in but then imagine you know they're scrolling through seeing their friends doing something that they weren't invited to because you can't be invited to everything Oh seeing someone I thought she was my best friend and she's in a picture with that person now looking and it says BFFs forever you know it's like oh you know that constant just disappointment and oh my god in the image that they're seeing of themselves as being excluded and not being a part of everything and they're just sitting in their bedroom going through everyone's highlight reel which again they're only showing you the images they want to show you and most of those images are pretty staged so it's not a realistic it's not realistic and it's and it's really messing with kids I mean we've seen since 2011 since social media really took off an increase of anxiety depression and suicide in teens particularly young girls so you know it is just it is awful for kids being on there and of course we at least have a prefrontal cortex a fully formed prefrontal cortex kids don't they can't reason they can't say to themselves oh yeah I was invited to this I can just go to my own highlight reel or you know can't be included in everything they can't do that I mean it's it's frightening what's happening to kids with social media but do not underestimate what social media is doing to us as well it is an endless comparing black hole and it's why the studies show we feel bad adults as well when we go on social media limit the amount of time you're on there don't go on every day try to you know make it a couple times a week that's enough to check in you don't have to be on there every single day and and of course see for yourself do the mantra peace is not comparing and go on and start to notice when the comparing comes in and go oh it doesn't feel very good because of course that's what we're looking for with the mantras the evidence for you to see yourself is comparing taking away my peace yeah it is and and to also be very mindful of comparing down everything I've been talking about is comparing upward we also have a tendency to compare downward especially if we're feeling a little stress we're feeling a little difficulty or challenges in our lives and we hear someone else is having some challenges that there's a certain kind of like at least I'm not all this bad office they are least I don't have what's going on in there in their world and I think it's very much like why reality TV is so popular because I think there's so much dissatisfaction in people's lives and then you can sit down at the end of the night and watch someone get kicked out of the tribe watch someone get their heart broken you know on these bachelors and bachelorette shows you know what a what a horrible way for us to have to feel good about ourselves if your reaction is feeling a little bit better about your situation because you didn't get dumped then your heart is completely closed because you should have nothing but compassion for that person because we've all been dumped and we should all be be empathizing with that person not feeling like oh good look at them look what happened to them these are real human beings so we want to be careful of the the down comparing too so when we're using the mantra peace is not comparing we are really looking to see how comparing has not only never brought us an ounce of joy not announce it has brought us a pound of misery that it is the comparing that's the problem it's not what they have it's the comparing mind it's that punch you know punch in the gut zero-sum game kind of initial thought and then the imputing of the stories on top of it and it's just a cycle of suffering it's not what they have that's causing your suffering it's the comparing and what we're trying to do what we're all here for is because we want more peace and happiness you will never find it through comparing because there's always going to be someone that has more than you and there's always going to be you in seeing someone that has more than you you're not seeing the whole picture you're just selectively taking a few little few little points and creating this whole big fantasy about what someone's life is like and it's just not true it's a lie you're just imputing something that isn't there so I want to finish with with just a little story it's a short little story by by Kurt Vonnegut the author of the famous author wrote slaughterhouse-5 and this was a little excerpt that he had written in the in the New Yorker in 2005 about Joseph Heller another off author that wrote the the book catch-22 so the story goes true story word of honor Joseph Heller an important and funny writer now dead and I were at a party given by a billionaire on Shelter Island I said Joe how does it make you feel to know that our host only yesterday may have made more money than your novel catch-22 has earned in its entire history and Joe said I've got something he can never had have to which I replied what an earth could that be Joe and he said the knowledge that I've got enough not bad rest in peace this is what we're looking for the knowledge that we have enough not that we can't strive to have something to push ourselves I think it's always important as humans we we need those little pushes as well it's part of our growth it's part of it's part of giving us character making us who we are making us good making us kind and compassionate and forgiving and patient and and loving human beings it's important for us so there's no problem you know pushing ourselves or even you know saying I would like to have a promotion I'd like to have a bigger house like no problem but like we said in the chasing class and this is absolutely related in the comparing your happiness is not coming from that from getting the object enjoy the journey the pursuit the challenge and then if you get it it's just icing on the cake but you don't set yourself up for disappointment in thinking that this was going to bring me happiness and we eliminate all of that comparing that we are just habitually doing that we don't even realize someone just mentioned something all about my second house you have a second house you know you know and all of a sudden we're comparing breathe into that recognize it's just a hangover from from the zero-sum game world that our ancestors lived in for so long breathe into it 60 to 90 seconds that neurochemistry will bounce back out again be mindful say the mantra peace is not comparing peace is not comparing it doesn't feel good to compare and this is what we have to see again just like everything we're doing here you will only change your actions when your beliefs change you will only change your beliefs when you see for yourself if this is true or not you're stewing about something and then you you remember because you were doing the mantra earlier peace is not comparing like oh my god I'm comparing to them that's why I'm upset not because of what they have or not because of what they did with I'm comparing ah and if you can identify what the source of the suffering is and then you drop it and you do your mindful practice right my foot breathing into it right not rushing and pushing it away breathing into it it's just energy and then as you do that your tensions off the story that goes away you go wow I was comparing a minute ago it felt bad now I'm not comparing and when you do have do take note when you're feeling good notice what's not there it's no comparing there's no chasing there's no resisting but it's always important to notice that too like wow I feel really good not comparing and when I am comparing I don't feel so good and it's not changing anything it's not making anything better it's just making me unhappy so got to be careful with our little lizard brains they can only handle so much so okay so thank you all very very much

Reviews

A joy to listen to you speak with such clarity and truth these talks are life changing thank you for sharing your wisdom