Sangha Live: Beauty, Expectations, People Pleasing, Healing

In the Q&A of our Weekly Sangha on IT Live, we look at appreciating our lives, how our expectations can prevent us from flowing with life, how people pleasing causes us stress, and how to always heal our emotional pain by coming into our experience-to feel with an open heart.

Transcript

So being here appreciating your life,

Looking for the beauty.

If you don't look for the beauty,

You won't see it.

If you imagine that your life,

There's something wrong with it and you're living the wrong life,

You will suffer.

You will suffer greatly.

But when we appreciate where we are,

The little moments,

Because if I'm single and thinking,

Oh I should have had kids,

I should have gotten married,

I should have done that,

How does that make me?

Let me be happy now because this is the life that I have.

And if it's more connection,

More meaning that you need in your life,

I'm not saying you can't do something or if you're single and you want a partner,

I'm not saying we can't do something.

We can't put some efforts towards joining some groups or some charities or dating,

Right?

Going on dating websites,

Right?

Not saying that we can't do some things that can help to bring more connection and meaning in our life,

But that is what we're really looking for when we're looking at all those external things.

It's like I want more connection and meaning and it may be arising differently for you,

Different than how you expected.

It is the expectations that stop us from feeling it,

From feeling the connection and the meaning and even stop us from taking those steps towards saying,

Okay,

Well this is the life that I have,

Maybe you had a career at one stage and so this is kind of the direction that your life went in and you think,

Well okay,

But now in this part of my life I want to add more,

I want to add more connection,

I want to add more service,

I want to go out and I want to help more.

Great,

Great,

Do it now,

You know,

In this moment and feel the connection in this moment.

You had something before,

You have this now and just fully appreciating it where you are in this moment,

Waking up to this moment,

To the flow and the beauty of our lives.

Every life has some beauty in it.

We just have to be willing to look for it,

To find it,

To accept where we are,

To appreciate where we are,

To know that we are exactly where we are and this is okay,

This is okay and just see how it unfolds,

To keep going with the flow and seeing how it unfolds.

So letting go of the comparing,

Letting go of the comparing and yeah,

Philippa and letting go of the expectations.

Because we talk about that a lot here,

I mean we do,

We talk about comparing and expectations,

I mean they come into our conversations and then we go back and we so easily get caught up in that story of oh,

I should have done this,

I should have done that,

Right?

We know that's how it played out,

Okay,

That's how it played out,

But you're,

You know,

Based on that thought that you're having,

Instead of living in the regret,

You couldn't have done anything differently,

That's how you were,

It was all being played out,

All the conditions,

But you can take that,

That something that's kind of feeling like oh,

I want a little bit more of something here now,

Okay,

What can I do,

What can I explore here,

How can I go forward with this and how can I bring more meaning into my life,

How can I bring more connection into my life?

Because this is really,

This is really what we want,

We want meaning and connection in our lives and it doesn't have to mean,

And I'm just kind of glancing over your comment,

Angie,

I'm going to look a little more closely at it in a moment,

But meaning and connection doesn't necessarily even mean being around other people that much because sometimes we do have to pull back and I did,

I've done that for many years and I've started the last couple years starting to come a little bit more out of it,

Right,

But sometimes we need that,

We need to pull back a little bit and to go deeper within ourselves to really explore what's happening in here,

Explore our mind,

What kinds of thoughts are we having,

Where are thoughts leading us,

Are they true or not,

Really trying to understand our relationship in the world and how we are existing and then if something,

If it does bring us a sense of,

Well it should,

Sorry,

It should in itself just bring us that greater sense of connection,

I mean I find really being on my own a lot,

I do feel quite content and connected.

It's the thoughts that give us this appearance of separation,

But then it doesn't mean that there might not be a time where you think,

But you know what,

I am ready to connect a little bit more now and I can do it a little bit more thoughtfully,

Not from a place of grasping,

Not from a place of I need this person to make me whole,

But just recognizing like yeah,

I feel that sense of connection and now I'd like to explore it a little bit more in the external world and it can lead us in that direction,

It can lead us in that direction and to have more meaningful connections with other beings.

So if we're recognizing that there is something missing,

And I'm just going to go back and read your comment Angie so I'm not talking off too much here,

So just saying that people,

That you haven't had enough deep,

Happy connections and those you did have,

They're no longer alive.

So yeah,

So you decided to live hundreds of miles away from your children.

Oh okay,

So you know what,

Something's coming up for you,

So not just on this guided meditation,

But on another one on Insight Time today.

So this is coming up for you and it would be something to explore,

Right,

Because it can also be a good thing for us to recognize that as well.

When we do think about,

Wow,

I'm actually realizing I don't feel that much of a sense of a connection with others or I don't feel like I have those,

Have had enough of those experiences in my life and so there's something more for me to explore inside,

To really look at that and to think about what's going on there in a contemplative way,

Not in an ego-centric type of way,

But really thoughtfully,

Being very kind to yourself,

Really nurturing the hurt and what's going on there so that you can think about it and say,

Well why have I pulled back and what's going on there and do I feel like I would like to connect with my children again?

Maybe there is some difficulty there that it's not right for you to do that yet,

But that you do feel you want to connect in some other way and so,

You know,

Thinking about in your community,

What can I do?

What can I do to connect in my community?

Because connection,

If we can just get that connection in some way,

Right,

Sometimes it's not,

There's certain people in our lives where there's a boundary in place,

Perhaps for a very good reason and we maybe need to keep that in place,

But we don't want to close up our hearts,

We don't want to lose that connection with,

You know,

With everyone else and now you're saying though you do have good relationships,

Oh good,

Okay,

It's just in the children,

So you do have some,

Wonderful,

To nurture those and to appreciate those and then for your children and for anyone that you're feeling a little bit estranged,

To do loving kindness meditation,

To do tonglen meditation on them,

To keep that sense of intimacy and connection there even if they're not physically close by.

So it is something,

It gives us something to ponder,

Right,

Also to understand like,

Yeah,

I'm just,

I do feel a sense of I'm missing something and so instead of comparing myself to someone else,

Instead of thinking their life is so much better,

We can be more constructive about it that,

Yeah,

There might be some healing that needs to take place here,

Right,

There might be some hurt that's still happening here and perhaps I haven't,

I haven't come in and felt it yet,

So okay,

I need to have some compassion for myself first so that I can then explore it and say,

Okay,

But yeah,

I do feel like I had to pull back for a little bit,

I needed a little bit of space to explore what was going on and now I need,

Now I feel the next step is I'd like some connection,

I'd like some connection and so okay,

How can that look in a very skillful,

In a lot of,

In a very thoughtful way,

Again,

Looking how can I contribute,

How can I,

How can I,

You know,

Show up in the world in a way that really brings more meaning into my life and meaning into the other,

Into the lives of others,

So there's just many,

Many ways and I am just going to pop because Angie just came up,

Oh sorry,

Angie,

It is still you,

I thought it was Howard,

Yoga,

Art,

African drumming,

Some people have changed because,

Well,

Of course,

Actually COVID would have had an effect on all of us,

But find the groups that work for you,

Right,

Find the groups that work for you,

Some people are going to be,

People are going to be people,

Right,

But there are eight billion people on this planet and there are lots of people that are just looking for,

That are looking for connection and real,

You know,

Genuine,

Meaningful relationships,

So focus on yourself,

Focus on healing if there's any hurt and healing there because the more that we can,

Again,

Just come and feel the energy of a group,

Right,

If we're more feeling when we have tended to our own hurt and our own pain and suffering,

When we have fully acknowledged it and we really,

Whatever the anger,

Like finding the hurt behind the anger or the fear or the worries and really acknowledging it and really comforting ourselves,

The more that we're able to do that,

Then as we go about,

We think,

Okay,

So this,

I'm feeling more whole here,

I'm feeling okay because right now,

For whatever reason,

This is what's going on in my life and there's some pain and it needs to be dealt with.

Remember,

Everyone's life is impermanent,

We have ups and we have downs and so this is what's going on right now,

This is where the meaning is in coming into my experience and being with it and not rushing through it too quickly,

Not rushing through the healing of our hurt,

Of just being with yourself each moment,

One moment at a time,

Just being with what's here,

Breathing mindfully to what's here,

Speaking to yourself like,

Oh,

Hurt,

You're here,

You've got my attention,

You've got my attention,

I'm here with you and breathing into it and feeling it and really fully expressing like it's a very intimate vulnerable moment with ourselves,

Right,

Letting this come out but in a very safe place and the more that we can do that and if that needs to happen more,

Then do that more and more so that when you go to these groups,

There's not a sense of,

Oh,

Everyone's different now in a kind of,

And I'm not suggesting you were even saying in a negative way,

But in that kind of,

Oh,

Everyone's different now,

What's going on,

But it's just,

Oh,

Yeah,

Conditions have changed because of COVID,

People are a little bit out of practice of coming together,

They're a little bit uncomfortable with this now,

Wow,

Isn't that interesting,

So the more that I can be,

You know,

Be here,

Be fully present for,

This is the group,

Right,

There's a little bit,

There's some people that are hurting here,

There's some people that are suffering and so people,

You know,

Tend to kind of close up a little bit but I can hold space because I did the work on myself and I can hold space for all of them to be here and I don't have to judge them but I can also just feel that sense like,

Again,

Just doing some tonglen,

A little bit of tonglen in the drum circle,

Right,

Breathing in that person's suffering,

Sending back healing white light,

Right,

Feeling that sense of intimacy and connection there because of the way you're showing up,

Not needing them to show up in a different way because that's maybe what's needed in the world,

You know,

Someone to come out and just to be okay with how they are,

How this person is and for you to be okay inside but you definitely need to work on any healing that needs to be done inside,

Any hurt that needs to be tended to inside,

That's such an important part of our practice,

Such an important part of our path of learning how to tend to our own needs so that we can then show up in the world in a way that not only can we bring more joy and meaning and connection to other people's lives but we can bring it to ours.

I think too much people want to skip over this step,

I know I say this endlessly because it's still true,

Everyone wants to jump over this step and just rush out and will someone else fix me,

No one else is going to fix us,

Friends can be there for us if we're willing to be open and vulnerable and really share,

You know,

Sometimes we're afraid to share our deepest fears and concerns and worries with people,

If you have someone that you're able to share that with like be grateful,

Not everyone has that but we so often go out and people joining groups in a mind state of I need someone else to come and fix me,

I need someone to come and make me feel whole again and not enough people showing up really being present for just the group as it is and just saying well let's just see what's here,

I'm,

You know,

You being whole every day,

You know,

Every day,

Every moment that you're finding yourself being here and whole and present,

Right,

That way showing up into the world makes such a difference,

Makes such a difference,

So well I hope that helps,

I hope that helps Angie and I'll just go back now and just kind of look at,

I know there's a lot of comments going back and forth,

I tried to stop looking because Whitney,

I think I really like the way you said that and Philippa does too,

Yes,

I agree with both of you that,

Hang on,

Sorry,

It kind of flipped back,

Where did you,

How did you say this,

Expectations can pretty,

Can ruin pretty much every experience we have,

It is much better to go forward with openness and interest,

Yeah,

Let's see what happens and it's not to say that you can't have a little bit of a,

A little bit of a,

You know,

Kind of holding an expectation very loosely,

Right,

Because sometimes it helps a little bit in our planning,

Right,

Oh it might rain so I'll bring a raincoat,

Oh it might do this so I'll just bring some water,

Right,

It might help a little bit in the planning but then like let go of the expectations as best you can,

Hold them as loosely as you can and then just see what happens,

Like okay,

Because the more that we hold an expectation for,

Let's say an event that's going to happen,

A birthday party,

Some type of party,

Some type of gathering,

The more that we hold an expectation in our minds about it,

Particularly when we're,

When we're really like,

Oh my god,

Especially we would do this when we're younger,

It's going to be so amazing,

It's going to be so great and what we can imagine in our,

In our minds can be pretty amazing and then we get there and we're like,

Oh it's not quite what I imagined and now,

You know,

We're comparing this great event with what we were expecting it was going to be like and now it's falling short and,

And rarely are things as good as we think and rarely are things as bad as we think,

I mean how many times have we walked away from something that we were all day going,

I don't want to go,

I don't want to go,

I don't want to go,

This is going to be awful and then we walk away and we go,

Oh that wasn't so bad,

You know,

It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought and we didn't need to,

To dread,

You know,

Spend eight hours dreading the event for it to not be so bad,

All we needed to do was let go of our expectations and say,

Well let's see,

I don't know how I'm going to feel in eight hours,

Nine hours,

It might be fun,

I don't know,

It may not be,

I don't know,

I don't know,

I will only know when I get there,

Right?

So just to try and catch your expectations as best you can,

If you're holding on to them too tightly then that's not helpful for you,

It's not helpful,

I mean just notice in your own experience if it is helpful or not,

I would,

I know in my own experience the more that I hold on to expectations the,

The more suffering it causes and I know the more that I let go of expectations,

Right,

The less,

The less I suffer and the less,

Just your words catching me there Howard,

The less fear I'll have about something,

Right,

Like oh,

Like social events for me and I rarely do social events and I haven't really for years now but they were just oh,

I don't want to go and every now and then,

Trying to think of the last time I would have gone to one,

It would have to be a daytime event,

Not an evening but maybe just a gathering of just maybe four or five people,

You know,

That could have caused a lot of stress for me in the past and it's like okay,

Let's just,

Let's just see how it goes,

Let's just see how it goes and there may be some moments where it's a little bit like yeah,

This isn't quite my cup of tea but,

But just breathing mindfully into that because that's how I'm feeling in this moment,

It could change on a dime,

Someone cracks a funny joke and then we're all laughing hysterically,

Right,

It's like it can all change and it does,

It's always,

Everything's always changing on a dime so our expectations can,

The fear of doing something that we might just back out or again,

You know,

Just cause ourselves a lot of suffering leading up to it,

Not necessary,

Not necessary so,

You know,

Just yeah,

Letting go of expectations,

We have a lot of expectations in,

In the West,

We have ridiculously high expectations in the West of what we think our lives are supposed to be like,

How we're supposed to be eternally happy,

We're only supposed to be praised,

We're only supposed to feel good,

We're only supposed to win and if,

And,

And when that expectation isn't being met,

We suffer because we can always find someone that is winning in that moment,

Someone that is getting an award or getting some praise in that moment,

Right,

And so then it's like I'm not getting it and they're getting it,

Right,

And it's,

But the more that we understand,

Right,

And there's the Buddhist teaching,

The eight worldly wins,

Right,

Pleasure and pain,

Praise and criticism,

Fame and disrepute,

Gain and loss,

Right,

The worldly wins,

They're always,

They're,

They just,

One day the winds of,

Of gain will come in and then a few days later the winds of loss come in and then the winds of,

Of praise come in and then the winds of criticism come in and it's just that the winds are always changing,

They're very,

Very fickle winds,

They're always changing,

But we get,

We grasp at the good conditions,

Oh no,

Wind,

Don't change,

Don't go away,

You know,

And then the other wind,

No,

No,

No,

Stay back,

Instead of just,

Ah,

This is how it is,

This is the world that we live in.

It's not always up here,

That kind of excitement,

High happiness,

Bliss that we kind of think of as,

That we can tend to think of even the bliss that we think of with,

With enlightenment or awakening,

Right,

It's,

It's,

That's,

It's not,

Bliss is a temporary state as well,

It doesn't last and so the more that we can recognize,

Yes,

Even in the event,

Even during a big event that maybe you're really looking forward to,

You're on a trip to Italy,

Let's say the plane's really going to Italy this time,

Right,

And,

And yes,

There's going to be a lot of great moments on the trip,

But there's also going to be waiting in line,

A long TSA line,

Having to take everything out of your bag,

There's going to have to be the,

The first part of getting on the flight is exciting and eight hours into it,

You just can't wait to get off and,

And then struggling to find your way around the city and maybe you don't speak the language,

Like,

And not saying that that's all,

I'm not saying it's bad,

I'm just saying look at the whole picture,

Yeah,

It's going to be good,

There's going to be highs and there's going to be moments where it's not going to be as exciting because that's how it is with everything,

With everything,

There's nothing in our lives that doesn't have,

Again,

You know,

Not inherently one thing,

It's got all of it in there and to just go with the flow of it,

Ah,

Now is the long line,

Okay,

Breathe mindfully,

Be present,

Practice some tonglen or some loving kindness,

Right,

For all the people that are suffering around you,

Right,

Yeah,

Because you're realistic,

Right,

Yeah,

It's not just going to be highs and excitement,

There's going to be,

There's going to be some unexpected events as well and okay,

How can I roll with that and the less expectation that we can have,

The,

The more easily we do roll with it,

Right,

It's just,

Ah,

Yeah,

This is what's going on,

No problem,

No problem,

Right,

It's not going to last,

Right,

We're just in the long line,

It's okay,

Right,

And then we'll get there and,

And on the plane like,

Oh yeah,

Okay,

It's getting,

I'm getting a little uncomfortable,

Maybe I could go stand up and do a little stretching,

I will always do that by kind of the bathrooms,

I'll go and kind of do some standing yoga as best I can on a long flight and of course there's always the joy of landing and then it's like,

Yay,

And now we get to stand up and go wait for our luggage and go through customs and all of that and it's a change and it's just,

It's just every moment is changing and,

And we see it in the big,

We take the big trips somewhere,

Right,

We're,

We're working towards something,

There's a lot of hard work on it and then you're getting the awards and the accolades later or the,

Or just that feeling of the project as being complete,

Right,

That good feeling as well and it's just,

You know,

The beginning,

The excitement of the idea,

It's,

It's just everything is always changing,

Don't get too attached to any of it,

Don't get too attached,

It's all just coming and going,

Right,

And enjoy the experience because the more present you are,

The more connected you are,

The more you,

The more you do feel that sense of intimacy and connection even with strangers,

Even with strangers that are suffering post-COVID that aren't sure how to interact anymore,

Right,

It's really very much about how we show up in the world and really letting go of our expectations and understanding,

Yes,

Pleasure,

Pain,

Gain,

Loss,

Praise,

Criticism,

Fame,

Disrepute,

They come and they go,

They come and they go,

Right,

That's the experience of every human being on here,

It doesn't matter who you are,

George Clooney experiences it,

Barack Obama experiences it,

Every person on the planet experiences this,

It doesn't matter who you are but it's our understanding too,

Like,

Yes,

I'm uncomfortable now,

Right,

But,

You know,

Later I'll feel comfort and I'm bored now,

The party isn't going like I thought,

Okay,

Just sit and be calm,

Just relax,

It's okay,

See how it plays out and then later it's like,

Oh,

Because I'm not locked into the story,

I'm so bored and I want to get out of here,

Right,

I can see,

Oh,

Look at that little kid having a dance over there at the wedding or something,

Like,

Oh,

That's so sweet,

Right,

A little moment of joy arises or again someone tells a joke and then you're cracking up laughing a few moments later,

Right,

So there's just so much,

There's so much,

So much happening that we miss because we're just,

We're locked into the story of where we think we should be.

I just want to see v's here,

Oh,

Sorry,

You're commenting,

Yeah,

In the boundaries class I talk about that introverts versus extroverts,

Yeah,

Okay,

I know there was a lot,

I'm going to go through,

I know a lot of you are just talking back and forth,

So if there's any questions,

If anyone posted a question a while back,

Repost it because it will only let me go back so far and Mari,

I do agree and just for all of you guys kind of going back and forth,

There's very much a like-minded sense here,

I mean,

That's one of the beautiful things about Insight Timer and I was commenting this,

I don't know if it was on Sunday's talk or last week,

About kind of one of the uniqueness points of Insight Timer is this community,

That how we can interact,

Not just the teachers interacting but how the community,

How all of everyone is interacting and the friendships that are formed and recognizing like,

Yeah,

There's a lot of like-minded people here and that you would be willing to spend your Tuesday afternoon on a Dharma talk,

Like this is what you guys want to do,

You know,

Or maybe you're doing Wednesday,

Thursday,

Friday also,

Right,

And that you're seeing the same people,

You're probably gravitating towards the same type of teachers and it feels good to know like there's a community and it's an online community but it's,

No,

It doesn't make it any less special,

It's a beautiful community,

We should be grateful,

Grateful for that,

Yeah.

Oh,

Thank you,

Kathy,

Thank you and you are a part of that and I do,

I mean,

I am so grateful,

I think you guys are just beautiful and amazing and it's just,

Yeah,

I feel so grateful to be able to come on and we have this amazing community and that you guys are,

That you do know each other,

I do think that's very cute when you guys are going back and forth,

So it's very much,

Very much a part of the spiritual path,

It's not just a part of the path,

It's a critical,

And from a Buddhist perspective,

It is a critical part of the path is community,

Is Sangha.

Who we spend our time with,

Right,

We become a reflection of that,

So when we spend time with Sangha members online,

In person,

Maybe some of you guys have an email or WhatsApp group or on Insight Time,

You know,

You guys are checking in and connecting,

That plays,

Those conditions play a very big role in shaping who you are,

Who we surround ourselves with is probably one of the biggest conditions in shaping who we are,

So it's really important that we are shaping,

That we are connecting with others that,

And I'm not suggesting that everyone you connect with has to be on Insight Time or,

You know,

Or following a spiritual path,

But people that are kind,

People that are non-judgmental,

That aren't gossipy,

That do,

You know,

Their meaning might be a Christian path,

It might be no particular spiritual path,

But they are just incredibly kind and loving and compassionate people,

Like those are the types of people you want to be around,

Because you will be a reflection of who you hang around with,

So being very,

Very mindful of that.

Yeah,

And so Whitney,

I'm so glad you're past the people pleaser phase,

I'm with you on that,

I was definitely one,

You know,

Just so desperate for people's approval,

And,

And,

And really,

You know,

Not even recognizing how disingenuous it was,

So I'm so glad that you're,

It's putting yourself first,

What I find just,

And I'll just add on my,

My thoughts on,

On like the people pleaser,

Another,

Jennifer,

Another recovering,

How many recovering people pleasers do we have here,

Please,

Please hop in the comment section here,

I'm guessing,

Yeah,

Bea,

I'm guessing we're not alone here,

So a recovering doormat,

Howard,

I mean,

You got to have your one man stand-up comedy routine here,

I gotta tell you,

You've been so quiet all this time,

In the last few sessions,

You have just,

Your inner comedian has come out,

And hang on,

And I want to acknowledge,

Is this Kelly Arthur,

It is Kelly Arthur,

Oh,

Good,

Kelly,

Okay,

I'm so glad you're here,

And so,

Philippa,

So what you're saying,

I was one,

But not in a good way,

Yeah,

I think,

I think,

Like one of the things about people pleasing is,

It is,

And this is what I'm kind of taking it as a,

As not in a good way,

Is it is just very disingenuous,

It's very much about us,

We're being kind to someone else,

Because it's about us,

I want your approval,

And as we talked about last week,

Like the karma,

Right,

The intention,

The imprint that it's leaving on us,

So if my kindness,

If I'm helping you,

Because it's that I need your approval,

That's not leaving the kind of imprint we want to be leaving,

Right,

That's grasping,

We're leaving an imprint of grasping,

Of desire,

Desire for your approval,

Right,

And I think that also,

And I've noticed this with some other people,

When you see someone,

When you see people pleasers,

It also feels like when you're on the receiving end,

You don't know,

Is it genuine or not,

And so it can feel like,

Oh,

Well,

They're saying they want to do this,

But I also just see them doing this for everyone,

And I know they're running themselves ragged,

And I know it just doesn't feel the words,

The words have less meaning,

I think,

To the other person as well,

And so I do think,

Again,

Like I think a lot of people pleasing comes from an insecurity inside,

And looking for others to make us feel better about ourselves,

Or help us to feel better about ourselves,

So we want to get everyone's approval,

We couldn't stand to not have someone's approval,

That would be devastating for us,

And so the more that we can do the work inside,

Be mindful,

Aware of our own insecurities,

Our own needs,

Our own unmet needs,

Work with those unmet needs,

Right,

Really,

And the way that I'm always sharing it here is breathing into them,

Feeling them,

Feeling our hurt,

Feeling our anger,

Feeling our worrying,

Feeling our fears of being left out,

Feeling our fears of being different,

Whatever it is,

Whatever fear,

Or worry,

Or insecurity,

Or unworthiness you're having,

It's not unique to you,

Millions of people are experiencing it,

But we're so afraid to acknowledge these parts of ourselves,

And if we can't acknowledge it to ourselves,

Right,

Then we can't tend to that fear,

To that worry,

To that feeling of being not enough,

Right,

That we need to be able to come in and say like,

Oh,

I see you,

Sweetheart,

Right,

And I really do love using that,

Really,

Just that language of,

Of,

As though I was talking to a five-year-old child,

Because at times it is,

At times it is talking to that five-year-old,

Ten-year-old,

Twelve-year-old inner child of ours,

That's like,

Yeah,

You've been begging for my attention for a long time,

And let me give you my attention,

And let me stay here with you as long as you need me to be here,

And breathe into it,

And feel it,

Right,

Because the more that we can feel our unpleasant emotions,

Right,

The less desperate we are for others to have to kind of fill us up,

It's like,

No,

I'm okay,

I know how to tend to my unpleasant emotions,

I can be true to myself,

And,

And of course,

Be kind,

And be helpful when you can,

But when there's a time that you,

You feel you're overextended,

Like,

I'm so sorry,

I can't,

I'm so sorry,

I can't right now,

And not to feel like you're a bad person,

And even if they do get upset with you,

Because people will still get upset with us,

Even when we're following a spiritual path,

People will still get upset with us for whatever it is that's going on in their life,

You know,

People will still get upset with us,

And,

And it's important that we really know how to be with the hurt of someone being upset with us,

We don't just blow it off,

We don't just go,

Oh no,

I'm spiritual now,

I don't,

None of those things affect me anymore,

Because that's not true,

That's just denying our feelings,

Right,

That's just,

That's the ego spiritualism,

Right,

No,

I'm above all that now,

I don't feel hurt,

I don't feel pain,

Of course you do,

You're just pretending that you don't,

You're pretending that you're above it,

Right,

So coming in and feeling it,

Yeah,

That hurt,

That stung,

Yeah,

Oh sweetheart,

That was painful,

Okay,

I can be here,

Right,

And as you,

As you're there with it,

And you're feeling it,

They're really,

You keep pulling back layers,

What's really behind that hurt there,

Yeah,

It was the rejection,

You know,

The first time I ever got dumped is also in there,

And that time that my mom didn't pick me up,

And I was left at the sidewalk,

That's in there,

You know,

All these things,

Like you kind of see all these little hurts that were never tended to,

And you keep pulling back the layers,

And you're there with them,

And so I think a lot of the people pleasing is a way of avoiding feeling like,

Oh my god,

What if someone doesn't like me,

It's going to open up all of these old sores and wounds that I've never tended to,

And I need to tend to,

But I don't want to tend to because I'm too afraid,

And I don't know how,

But then you're like,

I know how to do it,

I know how to come in and feel,

I know how to talk kindly to myself,

To breathe and create space,

I know how to do that,

Whatever it is that's going on,

Whatever feeling that's happening here is not unique,

It is a common part of the human experience,

What is more unique is the acknowledging of it,

And the tending to it,

Because most people don't do that,

And when you're able to be with your hurt,

And the pain,

I think you're able,

You're more authentic,

You're more genuine,

I think you're still,

You're kinder,

You're more loving,

You're more generous,

Generous of heart,

Because how many times,

Again,

Are people doing things just for the accolades,

Just so you like me,

Just for the praise,

But secretly bitter inside about it,

Instead it's just very,

Very,

You're showing up as a whole person,

It's like,

Yes,

I want to be,

If I can help you out,

I will,

And we want to be kind,

But to not be that people-pleaser,

Even in the people-pleasers where I find,

Right,

It's the one person that doesn't like us,

That we start sucking up to,

Because we're like,

Oh,

I can't have anyone not like me,

Or they're being rude to us,

They're being unkind,

And then we're so desperate and fawning for their attention,

That's very much reflective of because what's happening here,

Instead of acknowledging like,

Oh,

Okay,

For whatever reason they don't,

You can know there wasn't any interaction that you did anything you need to apologize,

If that's the case,

Like,

Oh,

There's nothing to apologize here,

There's really no conversation to be had,

They're just,

They're doing their thing for whatever reason,

Okay,

And I can be with that,

Like,

Yeah,

It still hurts a little bit,

Still stings a little bit when someone doesn't like us,

But it doesn't have to propel me into some action of fawning all over them,

Trying to get them to like me,

And then ignoring all the people that really do like us,

Because we're so focused on the one person that doesn't,

So yeah,

The people-pleasing,

So I know we're not alone,

We've got a few people-pleasers here,

Definitely,

If you find that that's what you're doing,

If you find there's a lot of motivation in the people-pleasing,

Then I would look inside and I would explore the hurt that is shaping that,

The fear that is shaping that,

Okay?

Okay,

I'll go back here,

And again,

Because it's only going to let me go back so far,

If someone has posted a question that I have missed here,

Please feel free to put it again.

Wonderful,

I'm so glad to hear that,

Andrew,

That you've been on,

For 20 years,

Traveled very far,

And you are whole,

Yeah,

I know that journey,

Yeah,

Yeah,

I would think so many of us have really been on this journey for a while,

And it is also good to take,

To acknowledge that,

To step back and think,

Wow,

Wow,

Like,

You know,

You're a different person because of it,

A whole person,

A whole person because of it,

So it's really,

It's good for us to acknowledge that,

Like,

Just all that hard work,

Every time you sat on the meditation cushion,

Every mindful breath,

Every moment of compassion,

I mean,

When you add it all up,

Like,

It's a lot,

It's a lot,

And it really,

All of those conditions,

Continuously changing us,

Continuously changing us,

Right,

Right,

So we're,

We're becoming wiser and more compassionate,

And that starts to have more of an impact in our life,

Pushing us more in a different direction as the ego becomes less dominant,

You know,

Until eventually we see through the ego entirely,

Right,

Yeah,

We are all,

This is magical,

Right,

The fact that we are human and that we have this experience at all,

And we're on this big planet hurled through space,

And we can communicate with each other from all around the world,

I mean,

Talk about magic,

Like,

This is pretty magical,

And our lives are pretty magical.

For most of us,

We have very,

Very,

Very good conditions,

And even for people that are in tough conditions,

Like,

We also tend to look and think,

Oh my god,

That's just the worst,

But again,

We look at people stepping up all the time in those conditions,

You know,

A lot of courage and compassion and kindness,

So,

But,

You know,

For a lot of us too,

We're living in pretty good conditions,

We're not in a war zone,

We're not,

There's not a famine,

Maybe,

You know,

Where we're living,

And there's not a pandemic going on anymore,

And to really just be open more to the beauty of just the little moments,

Like,

The little connections that each of you are having,

Or when you put the hearts up,

It is,

You know,

These are little moments of connection,

Of beauty,

Of joy,

Of meaning,

And to really,

You know,

Not to leap over them too quickly,

Like,

They're very,

Very deeply meaningful connections,

And so,

Just as you,

As we all go about our day,

From here,

Or evening,

For those of you in Europe,

You know,

Just be open to those little moments,

Like,

Those little magical moments that are happening all the time,

All the time,

The littlest of things,

I mean,

Joy is really in the littlest of things,

The littlest of moments,

A little,

Just something you nearly,

You know,

You nearly knock a glass over something,

And you catch it just in time,

And it's like,

Thank you,

Thank you,

That was nice,

Right,

And if it,

If it drops,

Okay,

I'll clean it up,

No problem,

But,

But yes,

As you're saying,

Monica,

Yeah,

To,

To,

Life is beautiful,

When we say life is hard,

I think people are saying that,

Not that life doesn't have some challenges,

And it has moments of challenges,

But there is so much beauty that we mistake,

That we miss,

Sorry,

That we miss,

Because we're either thinking,

We're,

We're focused on the hardships of our lives,

Or we're creating so much suffering in our head,

Right,

We're imagining all these problems that aren't really there,

Like,

Oh my god,

I have to go to this thing later,

What a nightmare,

Like,

It's not a nightmare,

See,

See what happens,

See what happens,

Be open,

Be curious,

Have interest,

Like,

See what happens,

See how life plays out,

It's much more interesting,

And has much more beauty and meaning than our,

Our thinking,

Than our thoughts are giving it,

And so come out of the thoughts more,

Thinking less,

Thinking less,

Being more,

And just being open to what's here,

Paying attention to what's here,

The beauty that's here,

I think we're very,

Very fortunate that we are alive at all,

And,

And we should have more appreciation for that.

So,

Okay,

This time we really will say,

We will part at this time,

But thank you for all the hearts,

And I think those are hearts for everyone here,

So thank you all so much,

And,

And,

Oh,

Thank you,

Lotus,

You're so sweet,

Yes,

Human beings,

Absolutely,

Yes,

Angie,

So being,

Being is a verb,

A process,

Flow with how you are unfolding,

Right,

Something's on,

Something that's arising that's a little bit unpleasant,

That's how you're arising,

That's the being,

How you're arising,

Oh,

Breathe,

It's not going to last,

Right,

Just breathe,

Be with what's here,

And then when something else is arising,

Oh,

Rainbow,

Yay,

You know,

Like yay,

Right,

It's like,

Oh,

That's what's arising now,

Too,

Right,

A memory of a kind word that one of you exchanged to each other pops up later,

Like,

Oh,

Feel that in your heart,

Right,

So again,

Bringing more,

You know,

Paying attention to what's here,

Not just saying,

Even in the beauty,

Beauty isn't just pleasant,

But there is beauty in being with,

Just being with what's here,

Oh,

That's what's arising,

There's a little bit of disappointment arising,

There's a little bit of fear arising,

Oh,

Okay,

Let me be with that,

Too,

Because if I can be with that,

How beautiful,

How beautiful if we can be with our feelings,

If we can be there to tend to our,

Our hurt,

And our fears,

And our worries,

How beautiful is that?

Reviews

great discussion!! and your analogy of life is like the trip to Italy… Some parts are pure bliss and some are frustrating.
My month in Europe with my son was exactly like that. Some days absolutely pure bliss. In the Cotswald finding the church where they film the TV show father Brown. And my son and I actually got to meet Mark Williams, who plays father Brown that day we were there. other times on the subway in London, standing room only. And Heathrow airport I was set aside for a second TSA search. The thorough search. And the woman was so sweet at the counter. She upgraded us to business class no charge for my inconvenience. I can now think about that trip with my son - the parts that were bliss and the parts that were frustrating or challenging, and have my analogy for every day life 🥰😊🥰😊🥰😊🥰namaste 🙏✨🙏