Sangha: Begin Again, Ego, Top 10 Playlist, Free Will

Question and Answer session from our Weekly Sangha Meeting on IT Live, where we discuss a range of issues from how to start our practice again, be familiar with our most common thoughts, understanding whether we have free will or not and using Tong Len as a way to be with difficult situations.

Transcript

I was focusing a lot in the meditation on beginning again and I know we did a talk,

I have a dharma talk and it's on insight timer just recently about beginning again or we did it maybe a month ago five or six weeks ago because it really is such an important practice and such an important reminder for us because it's so easy when we get lost in our thoughts when we get lost in doubting ourselves lost in our trying to control something lost in and just some criticism that someone had given us lost in our problems it's so easy to get lost in these things and that our practice isn't to say that we shouldn't get lost in these things our practice is just to keep beginning again no judgment that's what really beginning again means not to judge ourselves because we had a judging thought not to judge ourselves because we were comparing ourselves to someone else or because we were having an unkind thought towards someone else or ourselves it's simply to recognize that we got lost and begin again a clean slate a fresh start because if we don't begin again then we're still lost but we have to begin again and it really does the more that you embrace beginning again letting go of the tendency to beat yourself up because you did get lost in some thought stream the more you are saying each time you begin again you are saying i'm trusting this moment more than i'm trusting my thoughts right we trust our thoughts we believe our thoughts so easily so readily but if you pull your attention away begin again take a breath feel what's happening in your body in your body starting again you're saying i trust this more and we really need to add up a lot more trust here be more skeptical of the thoughts be more skeptical of the lies of our ego thoughts how our thoughts our ego always pointing our attention outwards the problem is always out there right or even if it's pointing the problem is that i'm a loser the problem is that i messed up i'm not as spiritual as i thought i was i'm not as enlightened as i thought i was right that's not the problem the problem is that we're believing the thought so to bring our attention back inwards it's what it's pointing to even when it's pointing at us pointing at us and saying we're the problem it's still sending us on a wild goose chase because it's saying if i were just more spiritual if i was if i were just smarter if i were if i just were a better person then i would be happy but we know the ego lives in dissatisfaction it's not looking for a solution even though it sends us on this wild goose chase of looking for a thought-created solution to the thought-created problem right it'll send us on wild goose chases it's not looking for a solution the solution is ah the thought that i'm doubting myself right now the thought that i'm judging myself belittling myself being harsh to myself that's the problem because in the absence of that thought of doubting myself of judging myself of belittling myself i no longer feel small i no longer feel that sense of lack it's the thought and so using all of our practices self-compassional sweetheart i see the doubting i see it right you're okay right talk yourself back down breathe feel pay attention and begin again begin again your thoughts your ego thoughts are at best slight exaggerations at worst outright lies and i would argue they're mostly outright lies and they simply take us away from knowing the peace that is always here the peace that's here because we are already whole we are already complete we already belong right we think we don't belong right thinking sense of separation right just the thinking i'm separate and i feel separate i've separated from myself splitting myself into two and i feel separate from everything else around me and yet the reality is we are all connected interdependent but thought convinces us that somehow we are not and then sends us out on that wild goose chase looking to try and find that sense of wholeness and sense of completeness that is right here right now i mean it's really uh if aliens were looking down on us they would look and go wow look at these humans we can see how connected they all are how they're all arising we can see it in this big picture how they're all interdependent arising together in each moment the weather affecting them the other animals affecting them their biology affecting them all these things causing them to arise they're part of this this this microcosm they're all a part of it but look at them in their little minds none of them believes it none of them believe reality they're all running around in their minds like little frightened squirrels and yet they're perfectly safe most of them are perfectly safe are fine i mean it's really it's it's it's like the the biggest con right before our eyes we can see we are connected that we belong how can we not belong how could we not be a part of this of this every thought you think every feeling every act is affecting the tapestry it's all affecting it you're affecting me i'm affecting you rose is affecting us robin kevin marie sue lisa libby everyone's affecting each other how can we how can we we keep believing that we're not a part of this and we keep believing that somehow i'm the only one that's not a part of this everyone else is a part of this but somehow there's something wrong with me i'm broken i'm there's something incomplete about me uniquely none of us are broken none of us are broken we all belong it's not to say that we don't have challenges in our lives and some of us have got bigger challenges than others things that need to be done in the external world deadlines that need to be met right not saying that none of that that that's true everyone has that but to not get too lost in all of that as though it's all so important as though it all matters yeah take care of the things that need to get taken care of but the most important thing and it's why i ask the question so much in the meditation what is it that's most important what do you want to feel and invariably the answer is some is some variation of the word peace connection belonging contentment love not saying romantic love that love of that we're all connected that we're all in this together right that this is what we want and so while we're going about living our lives and sometimes we have good conditions and sometimes we're experiencing unpleasant conditions but that we know the feeling of peace can only be found inside in the absence of the pushing back on the unpleasant not saying we can't do something to change you know if something's going wrong fix it the glass broke clean it up but don't get lost in a story i can't believe i broke the glass i wasn't very mindful back there i'm such a bad practitioner i'm not getting lost in the story of that ah glass broke it's the nature of all glasses to break eventually all right that's what the zen master sees the cup is already broken so when it breaks no problem see the cell phone is already scratched so when it gets scratched no problem you see the the car is already scratched the brand new car see our relationships as always changing sometimes we're closer sometimes we're not sometimes there's a little misunderstanding going on with someone doesn't mean that we don't reach out to them and and and try and clear up the misunderstanding but not from this grasping i need this relationship to be back to its its highest point in order to feel the peace because the peace is not dependent upon that the peace is always here it is always here it is the absence of the pushing back and the absence of the grasping of the chasing of the wanting right the absence of i need this over here in order to feel complete i need that person's validation i need this person to change i need to change i need to be someone else before i can love myself before i can be okay right we set these conditions up as though we need these things if i can just push this that push that which is unpleasant away and just get that which i see as pleasant then i'll be happy it is a lie you will be happy for a fleeting moment mostly because the thought went away the thought that i needed something to happen outside of me to feel peace went away the peace is always here in the absence of the grasping mind it is always here but we so trust the grasping mind more than we trust the sense of ease and calm that is here in this moment we're so used to being in that little ball walking around like that oh just oh what's gonna drop you know what's gonna drop next holding on to what happened last week last year we're so used to walking around like that we think that's normal and we think we're holding it all together we're not we're just holding on to tension that's not necessary obscuring the peace that is right here right now the peace that we say is most important to us because in the peace we feel the sense of belonging of connection in the peace we feel that spaciousness that ease the limitations that the little ego mind puts on us they're gone right because the ego is all about you know being finite and small and lacking and limited we take all that away even as we have to go about our day and things are breaking and aches and pains arise not every moment but of course we all experience it and not every day a relationship is is in need of repair but still relationships some are a little closer than others right that's the way relationships are nothing stays the same nothing stays the same so this idea that somehow i could i could i could push this thing away that's unpleasant and that there won't be something unpleasant coming up you know next month behind it like of course there's going to be another unpleasant experience next month i stub my toe um i break you know some the car breaks down um i get sick someone i love gets sick of course it's going to be if that's gonna we're not stopping the flow of having unpleasant experiences it's that pushing back on them but we believe that if i could just get this one thing out of the way then i could be happy for a moment for a moment and then things are going to change again and of course the reality is for most of us while we do have the car breaks or we get the scratch on the iphone or you know the little unpleasant things of life they're not really they're not life or death they're you know we get the little you know we get a little dose of covid we get a little cold um right that's really a pretty small part of our experience most of what we're pushing back on we're just making up in our minds it's not even happening we're just imagining all the things that can be going wrong believing them believing the little vr headset more than we're believing the reality of being here perfectly safe perfectly fine perfectly whole right we believe what's happening in the vr headset more the little avatar in there oh no what's happening to meredith there she's not getting what she wants someone else is getting it ahead of her oh no oh she's getting now what she doesn't want right all this time believing up there and she wants peace she wants peace she wants it so desperately so let's just keep spinning around in this little virtual reality imagining how she might find it racing and getting there and trying to control and move all these things around in our minds for a moment to think we got there oh yeah that would be it but now and then we go back through it again and again and again and if we'd only just take the vr headset off notice that we're lost in it begin again oh i'm back i'm okay a minute ago i believed that i was broken and unworthy and had no friends and had no future and was just hopeless right a minute ago i so believed all that oh good thing i put the headset down and now i'm here and i'm looking around i'm seeing all your little avatars go across seeing your comments i'll get to those in just a moment i'm hearing the sounds i can hear the sounds of the birds here i don't know if you can hear that through the the microphone right and it's like i'm here i'm here i'm okay i'm here i'm okay okay again begin again begin again put the headset down it's not it's not bringing you the peace that you think it is be more skeptical of what you're imagining in your thoughts and more trusting of this and just keep beginning again coming back again and again and again okay take a little look at some comments and please for anyone that's new here too feel free at this point add any questions or or put in any questions in the comments anything that's going on in your um any place that you feel stuck any place that you feel stuck let's address it and wherever you're feeling stuck someone else is feeling that as well so you're helping someone else by and by asking the question so hi sandy from i think british columbia hi angus good to see you here and yes the yin and the yang yes from angus yeah the the yin and the yang i mean there's so much you know in the opposites of the yin and the yang but what what i really like to take away from the yin and the yang is the action and then the receiving right the the stillness right all of the actions that we're doing here by coming to dharma talks um you know just just uh you know all the gratitude practices reading the books right taking in that information and then the receiving the stillness which happens in our meditation practice which happens when we really are just present the mind you don't we don't always have to be thinking about the dharma it's not going to cut it's not going to come into a place of knowing if we're always thinking about it there's a time for thinking about the dharma there's a time for contemplation absolutely and then the yin of the stillness of the receiving of allowing that information to go from an intellectual down into a place of knowing a really important part of our practice listen to the dharma talks read the the books absolutely and then afterwards have some silence when you if you if it's within your for some of you i know you're on just a lunch break right now and you maybe don't have as much time but maybe jump off the call five minutes before you would need to get back to work so that you can just sit in silence and let the words just become absorbed into your nervous system right that's we need that that receiving part of our practice as well such an important part thank you for kind of planting that seed angus see all interconnected interdependent and i'm just going to jump just because i saw you pop in again angus and then i'll come back to these other ones other questions sorry i think sandy and rosa um thanks yeah just for angus you're not new but have a beginner's mind don't ever get cocky in this practice that's the ego that's the ego even if you're having periods of time uh where you're really feeling present you're really feeling like wow this is just it's nice you're really feeling like you're flowing little things that used to drive you nuts aren't driving you nuts so much you just really feel the sense of man like man she's talking about that ego and yeah i can see it i can see i used to do that man it's not happening anymore it's always a really good to just be like well it hasn't happened for a while but it could come back it could come back and i think the more that we have that beginner's mind when we're hearing something even like you said you're not new most of you aren't new to this practice right but but to have that beginner's mind that you're still willing to learn right that we we should all be willing to learn right no matter you're the teacher or the student the teacher should always be the student as well right because there's always something to learn this is a continuous pulling back of the veil i mean we kind of have this idea i think in the beginning at least i had this idea that there was kind of this peak experience you were going to have of enlightenment that there was something here that was going to be enlightened and all would be revealed and it's just not like that it's just this continuous peeling back continuous peeling back and it just it gets because you just couldn't even begin to comprehend some of those first few layers early on in our practice right it's like you get there and then you're like oh i thought it was at the top and then you go oh no look at all that there's so much more the buddha even said when uh he was walking through the forest with uh some of his monks and the forest was covered in leaves and he picked up a handful of leaves and he said um i want you to think of the dharma as as all of the leaves on this forest and what i'm teaching you is just what i've picked up here in my hand really trying to say there is so much more and i think what he was trying to impress upon there is don't ever assume you know it all because as soon as we start doing that the egos just snuck back in another door look at me i got all this down i know what's going on here right and then we also we close our minds up right and we think oh i couldn't learn from them they haven't been practicing as long as me we can learn from anyone we can learn from someone who has never never been to a dharma talk never meditated once in their life we can always learn we can learn from our dogs from our cats from children from the weather from the birds from the scorpions my my teachers here the scorpions so just a great point on that on the beginner's mind angus thank you okay and i'm going to come back to your your second question here angus in a moment uh oh and just rose i'm glad to hear so you're still there okay great walking and eating a lot and it can be overwhelming but fun and and and i think you're there with your sisters it's really it's really good to remember that when we're on holiday and we're visiting family or even friends or in whatever setting to also just to have that little bit of time alone you come back from a walk from lunch and just to say hey i'm just going to go take a few minutes just to be just to have some quiet just to have some space right because you will enjoy the conditions more we we tend to think well it's got to be all 100 when it's really it's quality over quantity so just just as a little reminder there for you and i'm glad you're having fun okay um oh so to sandy where you were saying maybes can consume me maybes can consume me so i think i think what you might be saying like this yeah well maybe this maybe that what ifs maybe you might be the what ifs kind of thing um yeah i mean we can get so lost well maybe that's well maybe that's true or maybe i should be doing this or what if over there uh and again it's where we can get a little bit lost in this simulation machine not a machine a prefrontal cortex right where we can get a little lost in it because every maybe every what if is pulling you out of reality and back into the virtual reality and in that virtual reality and i've been using that analogy lately of the vr headset uh in that virtual reality our ego the separate self while we're running through all these maybes or these what if scenarios we are feeling small lacking limited afraid somehow uniquely different and separate from everyone like we think oh i'm going through all this this is smart this is good for my survival this is going to make me happy what it's doing is making us unhappy now and we're trusting the virtual the virtual reality more than we're trusting reality the reality that we can experience directly through our senses so it's good to be mindful of that it's good to be aware of that okay maybes can consume you great you know that about yourself that is a huge leap just to know that ah that's where i spend a lot of time it's good to know where our minds go right that's what we should be paying attention to in mindfulness as well when we're noting ah there's the maybe mind again there it is there oh 10 minutes later oh there's the maybe mind again begin again come back oh there's the planning mind again there it is there's the rehearsing what i'm going to say or what i'm going to write my email again right oh there it is there's the the this used to be the biggest one for me and i'm mindful that it could come back they're gonna come and try and bother me and take me away from my peace or they're gonna um this really stems from my rv days when i was traveling in the rv before i settled down here in mexico always this this fear that i would be on my own in my rv and i would be in my mind though irritated thinking someone's going to come and try and interrupt my peace because no one would want no one really understood that i wanted to be on my own but i was the one driving myself nuts and i had to see that no one is here disturbing me i'm disturbing me i had to keep seeing that i'm the one disturbing me i'm the one taking away my privacy and peace and calm so the more that we can identify the ways in which our minds keep consuming us um and i and i have this as a teaching there's a talk on inside timer about this about creating your top 10 playlist of the most recurring thoughts for you do you push back most or are you are you chasing more often we're doing both mind you and you're you're really doing both at the same time but one can feel stronger than the other one can have a definite we can get a greater sense of an object of pushing back right if i'm pushing back on on people asking me to do things because i think it's going to interrupt my my privacy or my peace what i'm really desiring is to be left alone and interestingly enough what i'm feeling in that moment is totally disconnected because even in wanting to be alone and i do spend a great deal of time on my own i want the feeling of connection we need that feeling of connection being alone doesn't mean you're lonely when you're alone in your present you feel that sense of connection and wholeness with everything but interestingly enough every time we push back maybe you're not feeling included in something you're feeling in some way you've been rejected so you're feeling that sense of of disconnection of feeling somehow something's wrong with you right you're the only one in the world that's feeling rejection and we get so lost in our thoughts trying to find that sense of connection and it's not in the thoughts of trying to find the thoughts are what's creating the sense of disconnection it's not even the rejection it's not even in the rejection of course it hurts to be rejected and we use self-compassion oh sweetheart that hurt that hurt that sucked that was painful let's be with it breathe be with it right we're not trying to push it away allow the feeling to move through you we're not expecting it we weren't expecting to be rejected right or to be excluded from something or to just feel kind of slighted in some way you weren't expecting it breathe feel it allow it to move through you everything is changing and then as it goes as as you you're with your experience feeling what's happening coming on the other side of it then as your nervous system starts to bounce back out you're not in the story anymore about how i was rejected or excluded or not included right you're not lost in the story lost in the story you feel connected and whole yeah this person excluded you or rejected us for some reason right but you don't feel as though there is something wrong with you as though somehow you don't belong anymore but up in the story where we're desperate to try and get back to that sense of belonging it's the story that is preventing us from feeling the sense of belonging it's not dependent upon whether everyone includes us in everything or whether we're never rejected because everyone gets rejected from time to time it's just part of the world that we live in we live in in a world where the number of relationships that we know so many people more than we than is normal for humans to experience when you think about for tens of thousands of years living in tribes maybe 30 40 50 60 people in a tribe right but the same people your whole life right and of course some die and some are born and but the same people there it's not this little group over here and this little clique and i was excluded from that little clique or i wasn't invited to the little party over here right so you know we had this sense of belonging um really built into how we used to live and and it's this the way that we live now and of course when the ego started to really explode when we started to take ownership of things when things became mine and the other things were yours and i want to get more because the ego is insatiable right there was out of this is this great sense of of not belonging of not feeling connected and we want to feel that sense of connection that we all belong we really do that that is a part of the when you are present sorry when you are present the peace that is here in the present moment that is your true nature it's because you recognize you belong there's nothing lacking in you all the lacking is coming from the thoughts from the thoughts from the maybes from the what ifs and what if they don't like me what if this so i'd really encourage you um encourage all of you if you haven't done it already to uh to go back and write out your top 10 playlists so sandy definitely write out you can just put maybes or you can put maybe a couple of the type of maybes it's maybe around health maybe around work maybe around finances maybe around romantic partners your spouse if you if you can be a little clearer great because the clearer you can are and the more you can put it down ahead of time then when it comes up and you notice it and you're like oh there it is oh there it is i know that i know this is on my top 10 playlist and if you're prepared for it it it doesn't like sneak up on you the way it normally does and then the practices begin again i see it i see you mara right breathe and come back come back into the body take those 10 breaths feel what's happening because there's a little tension with it with the maybes and the what ifs and come back and even and after 10 breaths of course you can investigate and ask yourself well was there something useful there i know it was on the top 10 playlist and i had to pull myself out of it and now i'm here and i'm feeling more grounded and i'm feeling safe and i'm feeling whole and complete again was there anything useful in there i mean maybe there was something useful to do but to to to be looking at it not lost in it more from that objective of of being more skeptical is it useful we we assume from the get-go that it is 99 times out of 100 it's not it's just a pattern repeating itself of going over all the what ifs going over all the maybes just the same patterns again the same patterns that we all we all have our our uh kind of our our favorite not favorite that's probably not the right word but our most recurring thoughts and so just and i'm seeing v sorry your question here um the the top 10 playlist of just your top 10 most recurring thoughts to just be more familiar with what they are right because again there's a there's a pattern there's a trend and we just keep playing the same thoughts over and over 90 percent 95 percent of the thoughts you're having today you had yesterday the day before that the day before that we're just rehashing the same thoughts yes the the the individuals change sometimes but the scenarios are basically the same the same plots over and over and over and it just hooks us in again each time believing it so by stepping back and really writing down and you may they may not all come to you at once right because then you're like when you're looking for them sometimes you're like i can't find it but okay for today i'm going to keep this little notepad with me and when i'm getting lost in the thought i'm going to write it down maybe it's a top 10 maybe it's just you know probably is a top 10 i'll just write them down and at the end of the day i'll take a look at them and then i'll see is this my top 10 playlist and maybe i do it over two or three days and then you have your top 10 playlist and you're like this is what's going on this is what i keep thinking about i keep going through these what-if scenarios all these maybes i keep imaginary imagining problems looking for thought-created solutions to my thought-created imaginary problems to appease an imaginary self my little avatar that is only satisfied for a moment before it goes but what else now let's go to maybe number two now let's go to maybe number three now oh now i thought of a new maybe because the ego and i know i'm going back and forth the avatar ego or separate self all the same thing the thought created me it only lives in dissatisfaction i mean it doesn't live that's not a good way of saying it only arises and sustains itself in dissatisfaction because once the the problem is really solved the thoughts go away the maybes go away the what-ifs go away but most of the time because it's not really anything that's happening we can keep just moving the goal post well no now it's this now it's this now it's this the goal post well no now it's this now it's this now it's this and we just go round and round and round lost up in this imaginary world not living in the reality not seeing what's really going on that really and again i always want to caveat this because i know there are people in the world right now that are living in war zones that are living with famine there are people that are barely able to put food on the table for themselves for their kids and so not everyone has survived but for many of us we have survived i mean we have the good conditions to practice spirituality because we have survived and to be able to see the world that we live in how beautiful it really is beautiful in its interconnectedness in its interdependence i mean just you walk past a stranger you walk past a homeless person and you smile and you connect with them right looking them in the eyes because you realize they're another human being and there but go i for the grace that it could have been me because it could have been right and really seeing another human being and having that moment of connection it's so beautiful right that would that this acknowledgement that we are all influencing each other right that we are all a part of this tapestry and not just us but the but everything in this planet the rocks the mountains the the rivers the clouds the rainbows the butterflies the birds like it's all it's all this how everything is arising in each moment when you really step back and you and the zoom lens instead of being this little zoom lens into my little alternate reality of what's happening to meredith up here opening it up and see and looking up the more we can look up as well because we take it all in and we're like this is an amazing ride i've got to stop believing this little me up here because it's stopping me it's preventing me from enjoying the ride that's right here and now we don't have to wait till we're on our deathbeds to realize that we wasted our lives chasing and pushing back on life and not appreciating what we have in each moment and i'm not saying like you know if your leg's broken don't have a gratitude practice because your other leg isn't broken like yeah it sucks go take care of it right it's part of life but being open always to say well let's see where the adventure goes now the leg's broken i can't you were planning on going on some hiking trip and you can't go okay well let's see there's something else here being open because we look again in this little virtual reality we look at the world in such a binary way it's good or bad it can only be one thing and that is not reality it's not only one thing it's multiple things it's it's in the present moment it's endless potential and what might be on the surface yes there's something bad happening someone's sick someone's dying right but even in that there's something to connect with that person there right there's something beautiful that can be happening even in that which is um is unpleasant we'll just say unpleasant you know that which we wouldn't want to happen but it does happen we lose people and we're so focused in our little virtual reality of how this is going to affect me we we forget that there's something here to connect with there's something for me to feel inside the loss of someone not the story of it but the loss to feel that's real that's real i should feel that i should know how to feel that and so a big so so a simple i think a more practical way for us to or one of the practical ways for us to get a handle on these thoughts of how we keep getting lost in this virtual reality is knowing what are the stories what's the top 10 playlist of what we're playing right i mean it's literally like we have this box of cassettes right or cassettes that's kind of sounding of cds right and we literally oh let's play doubt today let's play that for the next hour let's doubt ourselves or let's play worried for the future worried about our finances let's play that for 30 minutes because we haven't played that for a couple hours oh let's play what do they think about me oh i haven't played that one for a while let me put that one in right and we just keep playing these same cds over and over and over again and every time they pop in our heads every time they start those stories start going it just our attention goes right to it and we believe that that's reality but when you start noticing oh there it is there's you know there's what do they think of me with a bullet number one right you start to bring more awareness to it in a way that i find can also be quite playful like kind of laughing there it is what do they think of me yep i see you mara i see you breathe come back you know a little compassion self-compassion come back be with what's happening allow it to move through you there is so much power in having it written on the list ahead of time and and go back and add things right change things because then it's like one of the one the one of the maybes for you sandy maybe goes falls off the list right it's like i've handled that maybe now i've seen it so many times i'm so clear that the problem isn't what i think is going to happen is that i'm imagining all the things that are going to happen that particular maybe and then add a new one on don't go above 10 that's a little bit too much to manage but um but definitely paying attention to the contents of what what the types of stories are that we're telling ourselves the one they are recurring over and over and over again sorry i'm just going to add to your comment here v is it limiting beliefs all of those thoughts are limiting they're all limiting okay i'll just go back here oh and thank you rosa i'm glad that the meditation was was calming and peaceful okay i just want to go to angus's point here that i spoke on something that you were experiencing today you had sent a message and felt it wasn't heard or addressed but other messages on the text were being responded to for a second it felt you felt like you weren't being heard and had to re-enter um yeah texting is such a uh there's so many misunderstandings that happen through texting it really is a minefield be careful on texting i'm not saying don't do it because it's useful let's not throw the baby out with the bath water but i mean that should go on everyone's top 10 playlist misunderstanding a text right didn't didn't get the response that i wanted didn't get the enthusiasm that i wanted didn't respond in time right all of those ways that they come under like just you could put misunderstanding of a text to notice it oh there it is misunderstanding a text or an email breathe into it feel it bring yourself pull yourself out of it because if you get pulled into it too quickly the next thing you know you're a victim like that's what happens that's the way we're painting the picture i'm a victim look everyone else is getting responded to and they're they're they're purposefully um not responding to me right that's how our thoughts skew a text that that for some reason you know everyone got a little focused on one versus yours but we raise it to this level of i'm being ignored i'm not being heard i'm being excluded therefore i'm being rejected i'm being kicked out of the tribe somehow like we we take something like that that that is most likely benign conventionally we would say it's just mostly benign misunderstanding but it just even if it even if they were it was happening on purpose what can you do right like we take everything so personally and and conventionally i will say nine times 99 times out of 100 it's a misunderstanding it has nothing to do with us people don't realize they have no control over where their attention is going to one text on the thread versus another and how that all kind of um uh you know locks them in very quickly right and yet we take it so personally we take it so personally and even even if someone is they're they're they're specifically they are you've texted them there's one person on the thread they're they're ignoring you you see them out with their phone on their you know on their phone you know they've seen it maybe you've got the check mark that they've read and it feels so personal as though you're being personally attacked and i'm going to add on my answer to this to really answer hillary here um well i'm going to answer the second part because we think that we have free will and we think everyone else has free will that there is something independent or solid inside of them that they chose to specifically target out that that part of me that's independent and solid that's broken there's something wrong with it that somehow it was there was something here independent that targeted something there independent when everyone is arising based on causes and conditions if for some reason someone's ignoring your text and and again i'm not saying that some of those causes and conditions can't be related to something you had done in the past which which you had no free will over right free will and i and i do want to be clear about this free will meaning there is something independent that could choose differently so when we say we have free will and by the way free will is the ego always coming in afterwards to claim why i did something right to rationalize it to give excuses that sense that sense that there's a little me that sense that i have free will as though there's something here that is outside of this interdependence and interconnectedness of this world that we could look and see how a plant is interconnected interdependent there's nothing independent about a plant or a tree or the weather or the mountains or the rivers the oceans you know we can look and see how everything on this planet that there is nothing independent about it having its own each person having their own unique experience based on all of the millions and billions and conditions of different causes and conditions that have made up the life of meredith that are different that cannot be repeated no one has had the exact same experiences uh i have not had the exact same experiences as hillary hillary has not had the exact same experiences as me libby who's on this call my sister even though we grew up together still did not have the exact same experiences right everyone having their own unique vantage point of this experience but interdependent and interconnected everything we do is based on all of the causes and conditions that are arising in that moment and thought comes in afterwards to claim i did that i chose that as though we should you know as though do we choose our likes and our dislikes no we don't choose those can we choose can we wake up in the morning and say i choose to be happy today and no matter what happens no matter if someone doesn't respond to my text someone's unkind to me my car breaks down i break my leg no matter what happens i'm only going to choose to have happy thoughts and i'm going to choose that for the rest of my life we don't choose that because we don't know what thought is going to pop into our head next we don't know and even we'd say well but now we're teaching being mindful and beginning again right that's a condition that's a condition that sometimes you remember oh begin again you come back and sometimes you don't based on the causes and conditions based on how stressed you are in that moment whether you had a good night's sleep whether you meditated that morning or not because when you got up you know maybe your partner was sick and you weren't able to meditate you were sick your dog was sick the a pipe burst in the house right all of these things all of these millions and billions and trillions of things and we sit here and claim that no i chose that why you like a particular food you didn't choose to like a particular food you could say well i was brought up on this food uh at the time the first time i ever tasted this food it was in this really special occasion and all of these yes all of these conditions causing you to like a particular food you don't choose your likes you don't choose your dislikes and therefore when we true when we understand this and i have a couple talks on my teacher's page about this about free will because this is this is the part of spirituality that is not discussed very much we're talking always about the separate self and the ego and i think in almost every almost every tradition i mean eastern tradition at least we're talking about the we're talking about the separate self this being the obstacle to knowing the peace that you are not separate you are a part of this and then we go oh yeah i don't want to be that ego i don't want to be i i don't want to be in those thoughts of constantly going through the what if maybe situations what do they think about me worrying about whether i've been rejected comparing myself to others judging myself judging others oh i don't yeah i don't like any of that i don't want to be that separate self and we intellectually will take that on and go yep you're right i don't want to be that separate self well the free will implies that you are somehow separate it's the same thing and yet we hold on to that you're not seeing reality if you think there is a part of you that is separate and independent you are not seeing reality and the implications for understanding this when we recognize that everyone is arising through their causes and conditions just as you are arising through your causes and conditions the beauty of it the connection and recognizing how you're you know all the conditions that brought you on this call hillary right that brought you to insight time or going back to all those conditions to this particular live class to this particular then asking the question something prompted and then you start writing the question out that then it was angus's i think we were on angus's question and i saw your your i could just make out the free will i'm like yep that's where i want to go on the answer like you directing you know you you participating in the direction of where this call is going i mean seeing the beauty of this of how we are all arising interdependent and interconnected is amazing and what we let go of when we understand that because all of that regret right about what i did in the past the choices i've made the decisioning that's happened no decision maker right it all goes away i couldn't have done anything differently most people walk around with regrets someone had mentioned it before and i've talked about this book many times by bonnie ware the five regrets of the dying where she's with people she's a hospice care nurse in australia and uh and and you know as she's with people's they're dying they're sharing their regrets right the number one regret i wish i'd had the courage to live a life true to myself instead of what others expected of me what's stopping us there what's limiting us from living our lives the way we want to live them the ego the ego right there was the regret of i wish i hadn't worked so hard i wish i'd spent more time on relationships right imagine this is on your deathbed now all the regrets that you're having in your life and that we carry around with us throughout our entire lives so much regretting choices and decisions that we made but when you understand i couldn't have done anything differently there wasn't something in here that could have that independent independent that could have made a different choice that whatever all of the conditions that were arising all of the past experiences the memories the brain processes that are happening in that moment that all of a sudden it goes bing and you go one direction versus another right i mean it's such a you're about to do one thing you get the call from someone something ah now i'm going to do something else it is amazing how when you see this and and really paying attention to it when you're making a choice a simple choice between two drinks two equal type drinks not kale and soda or something but two equal kind of drinks noticing your hand going for one or the other you're standing in front of the refrigerator the doors open really pay attention to that choice seeing happening the hand reaching out oh oh just pay attention to see what is really happening here because understanding that there is nothing independent choicing happening decisioning happening based on all your past experiences based on your memories how you're feeling at that particular moment based on your views your opinions your beliefs all of that stuff influencing it right and all unique right it gets filtered through meredith a little bit different than jeff than hillary than v and sue it all gets filtered through a little bit differently right but understanding this we let go of regrets we have genuine compassion for even those that are harming us even for them because we understand they are the result of their causes and conditions it's not personal we also have the wisdom to set a boundary around someone that's being harmful to understand i'm not going to hang out with that person anymore but to not have any ill will in my heart towards them because they are suffering and if i had all their causes and conditions i would have done the exact same thing the exact same thing and it gives us the freedom to accept who we are with all our warts and bruises and bumps lumps because each of us is the result of millions and billions and trillions of different causes and conditions the things that that that you know if you're kind if you're loving if you're compassionate it's because people were kind and loving and compassionate to you or it's maybe because even just the suffering that happened that led you on to a path that then you found p you know you found a kind and loving and compassionate spiritual path that helped guide you and the parts of you that we all have something a little strange about us every one of us has something a little bit strange it's not you independent something wrong with you it's just it's the causes and conditions again you know if we're harming someone and because we're being more mindful being more aware of this that cause and condition right bringing more awareness to it that's more likely with with compassion for ourselves i can see why i do that i can see where that habit came from and i need to be more mindful of that to try and you know notice when it's happening and begin again put it on the top 10 playlist i beat myself up about that and then begin again and just to keep doing that again and again and again yeah too i just i can see something lisa i try to over explain my weirdness yeah don't have to over explain it we don't even a great point like we are so quick to explain to someone like i'm trying to think of an example when we're i mean maybe you've run out to the store and you didn't have time to shower and you run into someone and immediately we're all over ourselves apologizing for how we look like i mean it's so like why do we have to apologize for that or just even we're late or something happened just to say like i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm late but we feel this need to justify and explain every little thing and i was thinking this and i was doing that and it's like just i'm so sorry i kept you waiting i'm so sorry i hope you know that wasn't my intention right we this overarching need we have to explain ourselves to defend who we are right it's it's again like it's appreciating like yeah the good parts of us like even the the the weird parts thank you for using that word lisa the the weird parts of us because we all have something we all have something right it's like it's balance you know if you only had if you were perfect it would be unbearable for the rest of us first of all so the fact that we all have something um and it's it's learning to embrace that too yeah that's who i am i'm not hurting anyone it's just my little weirdness that however it was evolved and created because i didn't do it but again likewise the kindness and the compassion and the wisdom uh you know when someone compliments you and says like oh you're such a kind person we're so quick you know oh not really you know or or somehow we kind of push back but to even acknowledge say thank you thank you on behalf of all the people that were kind to me and all the conditions that that caused kindness to arise i thank you for that you appreciate i mean maybe you don't have to say that but in your mind know that so that you can just say thank you thank you for saying that they wanted to say something nice to you we always push back we're always pushing back on it everyone is arising through their causes and conditions your weirdness you didn't create it right your and your good qualities you didn't create this either now we are still the heir to the to our karma right any action we receive the consequence of it of course but those actions the more that we can acknowledge and you've got to see this it is paying attention paying attention to when you're making decisions start with little things food choices is a good one because we do it several times a day notice you're looking at the menu and when all of a sudden the waiter just arrives and then all of a sudden you're like okay that and notice that you were going back and forth between two dishes right and then all of a sudden it came to you it was your turn and you just what was it we had in fact we'd gone out for breakfast with some friends a couple weeks ago and it was just i was kind of having a little giggle to myself because when we'd walked into the restaurant we'd run into some other friends and they were having these uh the the two women had had these like pancakes and waffles and all these different flavors it looked beautiful and so when we sat down maria and heather who were with us both said well i'm having what they're having and and so founded on them it took us a while in fact to find the actual thing that they had ordered and of course if we hadn't run into them that's not what they would have ordered and based on their conditions if they hadn't been there and then we hadn't seen them they wouldn't have ordered it like it feels like such i made this conscious choice to make this decision but if you hadn't seen it first you wouldn't have ordered it i mean you might have but maybe there was something else another reason that was pushing you in that direction there's so many things happening at a subconscious level millions of bits of information coming in of of going through past experiences past memories so much information we can't possibly know what was the final thing that i'll have this you know i'll choose this right and it feels like i'm independently choosing this and therefore if i'm independently making all of these choices my weirdness is independently me there's something wrong with me right and if someone's attacking me they would have a choice not to do that so it must be personal and i could have made other decisions in the past so when we talk about letting go of regrets you know allowing ourselves to be who we are accepting who we are you know really seeing others with compassion in our hearts understanding they are the result of their causes and conditions this is done through wisdom seeing reality seeing what is going on so pay attention pay attention to that thank you so much for the donation hillary thank you thank you and just as an example hillary because i see oh actually i think you were on before from australia the fact that i have vegemite in my refrigerator and sound like an american and live in mexico it's because i'm originally from australia and even though we grew up in the states i was born there my mom would always bring my parents who are australian vegemite with them now as a 58 year old woman if i'd never tasted vegemite i would think it was the most disgusting thing in the world but i love it so causes and conditions most of you here if you didn't grow up in australia or the uk would think vegemite is disgusting causes and conditions i'll just do one or two more questions here because um we are going out to a late lunch with my mom and maria shortly oh and so hillary i'm just going to say yeah the fires i mean gosh australia is having i mean you want to talk about climate change i mean you australia definitely uh feeling that on the front lines a great practice here and i know i say this all the time so but a practice here hillary tonglen do something useful the worrying and the fretting not helpful practice tonglen for all those animals for all those people that are frightened imagine breathing in their their suffering their fears their worries sending back healing white light use this as an opportunity to transform and it can really help you to be okay with what's happening compassion is not turning away from suffering it's about coming closer to it because it's not just one thing in in what's happening in the fires just like in the flooding that happened in australia and that we're having a lot of in california which is my you know san diego where i'm most recently from the last 30 years um there's a lot of acts of heroism that are happening there a lot and so the more that we can be with the suffering with compassion imagining taking on their suffering and sending back healing white light using this practice to help you be more compassionate and you might find in there that that might be enough or you might find that there is something for you to do all right so um tonglen and if you're not familiar with tonglen i have some classes on my teacher's page and a meditation on that and i'm sure on insight timer there are tons of stuff on tonglen but that is the practice i would be recommending oh and thank you v thank you my sister's saying yes she would send my mom would send us to school with vegemite sandwiches nobody wanted our vegemite nobody wanted it okay i'll just see if there's one more and then we will oh okay we got to v i think uh oh sorry so for matt i'll just finish up on that oh so for lisa so tonglen here we go uh is the practice it's a tibetan buddhist practice um oh and so for matt yeah the definition of free will uh free will how i would describe free will is this idea that there is something independent here making a choice something that is while while we can even say there's so much of us that's influenced by all the causes and conditions around us whether someone's calling us in that moment texting us in that moment yelling at us in that moment complimenting us in that moment all of these different things that are influencing us this idea that there is something here somewhere here that is independent of all of that that can go one way or another and so what i'm suggesting not just one i'm suggesting you look for yourself to see if this is true because if you if you think there is a part of you that is independent and i get that there is a felt sense that i am making an independent decision here again because thought is always coming in and afterwards to explain why i did something and it sounds so reasonable right and it probably could explain 80 90 percent of it but the final nudge of why we do one thing versus another we cannot possibly know all of the causes and conditions that went into it and if we think there is something independent here that i am somehow not a part of all of this well then where does that take me back up into the separate self and what i would suggest as part of your practice also look for the one that's making look for the one that's independent and making the choice choice self-inquiry practice where is it where is the part of me here that is that is separate from this world from this universe this is not meant to be an intellectual exercise it starts that way through this dialogue and then it is meant for you to look and another great practice if you go back and write out your timeline how you ended up exactly where you are your partner or whether you don't have a partner your your career where you live all of the things that led you to where you are right now to this moment being on an insight timer call and then go back and look and go okay now why did that happen if i had not gone to the bar that night met that person if i had not met this other person that set me up with my my future husband if i had not gotten this job here where i met this person that then we went off and traveled over here and then because of that i moved over here one little change one little change you would be somewhere else there is no free will in this idea of holding on to this part of us that's independent and separate just continues the illusion but look for yourself look for yourself you will not turn into a blob by acknowledging there is no free will by seeing that there is no free will free will that's the fear i'm going to fall apart i'm not going to do anything no you weren't doing any of it anyway however you've been arising all the things you like all things you don't like all just arising and changing the difference and in fact i will tell you the decisioning and the choicing that happens when you recognize there is no free will only improves because it's not based in desire and fear oh what if i do the wrong choice here oh i've got to think doesn't mean we don't think about things that's part of the process brain process is happening thinking happening no thinker thinking happening and then all of a sudden but but there's kind of a looseness to it because all of a sudden when the answer pops in your head you didn't all of a sudden you just go oh that's it yeah and then we just assume that somehow i made that happen we don't know what it was and i think there's something beautiful in acknowledging that as well when we just go thank you thank you thank you wherever that came from thank you for that idea for the class thank you right because it's all interconnected interdependent you're being on the call matt all of the millions and billions and trillions of conditions in the past that brought you on the call that brought us to this definition again right the words that are coming out of this mouth but look for yourself it's not enough for me to say it and i know we spend a lot of time looking at the ego and the separate self this is part of it is the ego claiming afterwards why i did something and us believing that that's the simple reason that's wholeheartedly the reason why definitely providing some of the reasons for sure for sure but not this idea that there's something independent here because if there is then i can regret my choices then i can hate you know someone for being unkind to me then i cannot accept who i really am and i think understanding the implications of that is huge but to get to those implications you have to see for yourself pay attention pay attention to how things are arising in each moment notice if we're flowing when we let go and we go let's see what happens there's a plan yeah i have this little simulation i can make a plan for the day i knew i had to be on the call at this time i know we're going to lunch in 20 minutes so i need to wrap up the call right so i know all this okay it's okay but now let's let's see how it happens let's see how it all unfolds right and it's not my plan it's this plan that's been arising and we'll see how it all goes right and being open to it and seeing it and paying attention like this is amazing right and you have a moment you're all sitting around you're like this is this amazing moment how all this came to be appreciating it more but paying attention paying paying attention to that sense of free will oh thank you v that's so nice of you that's so kind your words thank you and and so you're saying even if someone decided to be content regardless of conditions can it be called as free will no no that's not free will the intention an intention comes from a thought right so the thought i'm going to be content right there has to be some kind of volition happening there right will right which we talk about in buddhism it's one of the five aggregates will not free but there's a will there right and it's a thought that kind of pops in there first but you have no idea what your thoughts are going to be so if we have no idea what our thoughts are how are we directing that intention your intention to be content is based on causes and conditions to even have that intention is based on causes and conditions to have the intention to want to come on to a call like this and think wow this feels really good it feels very calming and very peaceful for some people they would come on a call like this and say this is torture why do you enjoy listening to something like that they would not get it at all because of their causes and conditions so your intention to be content is not your own be grateful that that's the intention be grateful thank you that that's the intention for this one that how this arose that however it came here right for for this one it was suffering it was a great of self-created suffering an enormous amount of self-created suffering that led me on a spiritual path 25 years ago i mean before that if i count i started meditating 25 years ago practicing buddhism but i mean definitely doing a lot of things a lot of wasted things law of attraction definitely went through all that for a while thinking i could just just if i could just have all my desires filled then i'd be happy just inflating the ego so our intentions are not our own and thank you for bringing that up because that's something that people will always go but no no no you know i could give all the reasons why you may or may not have come on this call today and you go but my intention was that wasn't yours either what you like to do what you want to do whether you want to change whether you want to know the truth whether you want to be awakened it's the causes and conditions be grateful that those are your causes and conditions don't take ownership of it because there is no contentment in that this is where the ego is so clever so tricky just comes in all these little back doors so clever

Reviews

Very helpful… thabk you🙏💕

Very insightful it made me realize how my thoughts

take over and there is a way to let go

I was listening to this talk, walking along the beach. And it felt like, her talks are so spot on for me she behind me taking notes? 😂😂😂

my favorite take away from this talk was writing down my top 10 list. I’ve been working on that today and I’m up to three.. thanks 🙏 🦋🔔🤍🦋🔔🤍🦋🔔🤍