Let Go Of Regret

In this excerpt from our Live Sangha on IT, we look at the wisdom of letting go of regret through wisdom and compassion. Understanding you couldn't have done anything differently. With wisdom we see that regret makes no sense.

Transcript

There's a difference between regretting and remorse and reflecting.

Regretting,

Of course,

There's no ending with regret.

There's nowhere to land on regret.

It's just a perpetual,

I wish I hadn't done that.

I wish I hadn't said that.

I wish I hadn't made that choice,

Right?

It's just pushing back on something that happened that I cannot change.

Definition of insanity,

Right?

I cannot change it.

And so,

And in that regretting,

Not seeing the reality,

The reality that I couldn't have done anything differently at the time based on the stress that I was under or the lack of sleep that I was experiencing or all the causes and conditions that arose in that moment.

Because the fact that it did play out that way,

Whatever was arising in that moment is how it was going to play out.

And so,

In regret,

There is no wisdom,

There is no seeing reality,

There is this assuming,

There's a little separate me,

Ego,

That could have done something differently.

No.

And it's the ego now with new information saying,

Well,

No,

I should have done it this way.

Well,

Now you have new information.

You didn't have that information at the time of how it played out or you were just so unconscious,

You just weren't seeing,

You know,

Now you're more conscious,

Now you're more aware.

Regret will never lead you to peace,

It will never lead you to compassion or wisdom.

You will be stuck.

People,

People's,

People can ruin their whole lives with regret.

The bitterness that can that can fester within them through living their lives with regret.

So,

It doesn't mean that there's not a place to,

So the first thing though,

Too,

And is this recognition.

And this is hard because I know I talk about this and people have a hard time with this.

You would not have done anything differently.

You would not have done anything differently based on all the causes and conditions that were arising in that moment.

Whatever it was that nudged you in that final to say something,

To act out in some way,

You would not have done anything differently.

With that said,

So,

So,

So now even the wisdom of understanding that,

And I get not everyone sees that yet,

That is a big part of awakening,

Is seeing how all of this is arising.

But if you can even just have that first assumption of even just kind of looking at the causes and conditions,

Even of just this one particular situation,

Oh,

I was overwhelmed at work,

I was having this relationship problem,

And then this one final thing happened with this client and I acted stupidly,

I acted irrationally,

Right?

To look at it and think I can see all the causes and conditions that led up to that.

I can see how that happened,

Right?

Just to be able to see that,

So that you can be looking at it from a more clear view,

Right?

Of really understanding,

Oh,

This is how it arose.

And now,

Understanding,

I can see all the causes and conditions that led up to that.

I can reflect on it in a way and say,

Okay,

When I'm getting stressed in the future,

I really do need to just take a moment.

I shouldn't push myself that last few minutes,

Or if someone I was just having something going wrong at work,

I didn't practice self-compassion to get myself through making that mistake,

Right?

In that way to look at and say,

I do need to be a little more careful,

Or I didn't meditate that day,

That maybe was a cause for that outburst or something,

And I'm just making all sorts of assumptions about what it was,

But it's to reflect back and understand the causes and conditions can be healthy,

Can be healthy,

Because maybe that now creates a new condition for the future.

If you're in a similar situation and you feel yourself,

You're like,

Uh-oh,

And now I remember what happened last time,

And I didn't take the time that I needed,

That few minutes,

That two minutes to be kind to myself with some self-compassion,

To take some 10 breaths,

To center myself,

To let go of some of the stress because it's starting to stack up on top of me.

We can only take so much,

We're human,

Right?

We let it all stack up and we just think,

Oh,

I've got to just push through that last mile.

No,

You know,

Take that two minutes,

Get the monkey off your back,

You know,

Just so you can have a little bit of a relative calm again.

So there can be some healthy reflection in there,

There can be some remorse.

Yeah,

I wish I hadn't said that,

I probably hurt their feelings and I think I need to go and apologize.

Not from the standpoint of my ego that can't handle the little image of me having hurt someone because now I'm a bad person,

Not from that perspective going and apologizing,

But from the apology that I'm human,

We all screw up.

We,

I say this I think almost every week and I will probably always say it every week because I think it's one of the biggest mistakes we make on the spiritual path,

Particularly on the spiritual path where we have this idea that we're trying to be perfect.

We're not,

We're trying to be human,

We're trying to allow ourselves to be human,

To be imperfect,

To make mistakes,

To say the wrong thing,

To not always have the right answer.

To have a moment,

Like you're allowed to have a moment,

Right?

It's how you respond afterwards,

Do you apologize,

Do you reflect,

You know,

Is there,

Is there,

Is it a healthy way in how you respond to it?

So if it's to go and apologize,

Not from a standpoint of your ego,

But because I hurt you and I'm so sorry,

I'm so sorry,

Not in this like big spilling out everything about wow,

This is all the reasons I did all this,

Right?

Because trying to get some,

Please make me feel better,

Right?

It's about how I hurt you and I'm so sorry,

I'm so sorry.

So regret,

Regret is one of,

It is,

It is,

You know,

It's resistance,

It's pushing back on something that you cannot push back on.

And it's really pushing back,

I mean,

It's pushing back on reality,

It's pushing back on us,

Because we're not accepting in that moment,

I made a mistake,

I made a mistake,

I wish I hadn't done that,

Yeah.

I hope in the future not to do that,

I should really just reflect on those circumstances,

And for anyone that I hurt,

I'm going to apologize,

But I'm going to forgive myself as well.

So part of our self-compassion,

Now bringing your hand to your heart,

And saying that word 50 times,

It's another mindfulness practice,

Compassion practice,

Saying the word,

I forgive,

I forgive,

I forgive,

Breaking the train of thought of regret,

Regret,

Regret,

I can't believe I did that,

You know,

I forgive,

I forgive,

I forgive,

I forgive,

I forgive,

I forgive,

Right?

You're walking down the road of compassion now,

And then eventually the word comes out,

I forgive myself,

I'm human,

I make mistakes.

Now,

If I can forgive myself,

I can go and forgive,

Or I can go and ask for forgiveness,

I can go and let the other person know,

I'm so sorry for how I hurt them,

I'm so sorry,

Was not my intention,

Right?

So I hope that helps.

Regret is very,

It can,

People can hold on to regret their whole lives,

And let that cloud their closing up their hearts,

And just living in the illusion of regret.

Regret doesn't benefit anyone,

Doesn't benefit anyone,

We can't change things,

And we imagine getting stuck in regret that somehow I'm improving my situation,

Or that's how I'm going to prevent doing it again in the future,

Probably not,

Because it just keeps us lost in the illusion,

And most times when we act in ways that we do regrets,

Because we're lost in the illusion,

We're pushing back,

And the regret is just keeping us in the illusion,

You wouldn't have done anything differently.

This is the biggest misnomer that we have,

As though,

Because the ego claiming I could have done something differently,

As though,

Because the ego is separate,

And solid,

And independent,

And independent,

There is nothing separate,

Or solid,

Or independent about you.

Every single one of us is arising and changing moment by moment,

We are not the same person from moment to moment to moment,

The change so subtle,

So subtle,

Right?

But we look over years maybe,

And we can see it,

Yeah,

There's much more differences,

We can see it,

But you are never the way you're feeling in one moment,

The way your body composition,

Your hormones,

Your neurotransmitters,

The environment you're in,

The thoughts that you're having,

I don't know if I said feelings,

The emotions,

Never the same.

It's like the Zen saying you can't step in the same river twice,

You are never the same from moment to moment,

You are arising based on causes and conditions,

And changing moment by moment based on causes and conditions,

And when you see that,

You understand,

Regret has no place,

I couldn't have done anything differently.

Reviews

A fantastic short reflection on regret and how to put it down in favor of compassion.

This message really resonated with me as I navigate through issues my behavior caused. Self compassion and having the perspective that I’m human and doing the best I can is so very helpful.

Thank you so much! This was very helpful. Just what I needed to hear - I wouldn't have done anything differently given the circumstances.

🙏🏾 2025.

I loved these reflections. I struggle a lot with regrets. I found the thoughts and strategies and tools offered by Meredith very useful. They will help me work towards living without regrets, eventually. Thank you for sharing, Meredith.

Yes. I keep regretting for a different result, but it’s done and I can’t rewrite the past. 🥲🙏🏻🥰

I felt aa though you were sitting in the same room with me, speaking as a friend. I will listen again & again, until I am free from regrets. Thank you. Namaste 🌸

Fabulously realistic and wise. Thank you so very much. Saving to listen again as I get stuck.

Thank you. I needed to hear that message tonight. I could not have done anything differently. But when the information changed, I acted.

Perfectly on topic and a great clarification of the difference between regret and remorse!

Thank you very much for sharing this. Helps to try and separate the wood from the trees 🌟

I’ve never heard that before. That I couldn’t have done anything differently. Everything that was in place in that moment would’ve caused me too not do anything differently. That’s actually very empowering. It lets me off the hook. Not off the hook if I owe an apology , but off the hook for beating myself up for not being perfect. Which I do often. I wrote down what you said. I am human. I made mistakes.🙏♥️🙏♥️🙏♥️🙏♥️🙏♥️🙏

Deep gratitude for this clear and concise explanation 🙏🏼