The Ego Game | Let Go Of Controlling

In this dharma talk, we explore the ego's need to control our experience, other people, and ourselves. That in our effort to control our experience to only have pleasant experiences, we end up creating a lot of suffering for us and those around us.

Transcript

We are three classes into a series that we're doing on the ego of really trying to understand the ego,

How the ego is an illusion,

And to understand how the ego is arising and how it keeps tricking us.

So we know just as a brief recap,

The ego arises in our thoughts,

Right?

Thoughts about me,

My desires,

My fears,

What I need to be happy,

What I think if I get will make me unhappy.

And it's in these thoughts about my desires,

My fears,

Where we're doing a lot of controlling,

Where we're trying to control our external conditions to find happiness.

And you can always find controlling as part of the ego.

As we looked a couple weeks ago at the ego,

How it comes in with this desperate need for validation from other people,

From the external world.

And in that needing validation from other people,

There's a lot of controlling.

You know,

Can I get them to praise me?

Can I get their approval?

Can I get this person that I perceive doesn't like me?

Can I get them to like me?

So there's a lot of controlling going on in there in the validating or in the worrier,

Which we haven't looked at that ego character yet,

But we will,

Right?

The worrying that what if I don't get this person's approval?

What if I get their disapproval?

And so controlling is always behind.

Anytime the ego is arising,

There is a sense of control.

We're trying to control in our thoughts,

The external world.

And so as we're spending the next several weeks going through the different ways in which the ego arises,

The different ways in which it keeps coming in disguised as good advice and fooling us.

So as we looked at it the other week,

The validator,

The need for validation,

Today we're going to look at it from the controlling aspect,

The controller part of the ego.

And yet,

Even though we're looking at them individually,

We do know that they have this tendency to morph into one another.

Or as I said,

The validator can be there along with the worrying,

Along with the controlling,

Along with the judging.

We'll get to the judge.

They can also all be arising at the same time.

And it can feel very overwhelming in our mind,

Like all these different,

I need their validation,

I'm trying to control for it,

I'm worried I'm not going to get it.

I may be now judging them because I'm not getting it or judging myself.

And yet,

If we can identify,

Label one of the ways in which the ego has arisen in that moment,

We can pull a thread out of all of them.

And so this week,

Really focusing on the controlling,

The controller,

The ego,

Trying to control our experience,

Trying to control for pleasant experiences,

And to control for not having unpleasant experiences.

And so when we're,

We're say planning for something,

Planning our day,

We're planning the week,

We're planning a trip,

There is nothing wrong,

Nothing wrong with using this little simulation machine,

Right?

Using our prefrontal cortex,

Imagining the day,

What have I got to do?

I've got this and that and these things,

And,

Or I've got a trip coming up and,

Okay,

I've got to pack on this day,

And I need to call and make sure that the flight's going to be leaving on time,

Or I need to make sure that the taxi's ordered to come on time.

Like all of these things are fine,

Right?

So doing a little bit of planning,

Using the simulation machine.

Where it gets into trouble is when we,

When we can't put the planning down,

And we're trying to control for every possible problem,

And trying to control for the plan to go exactly as we are imagining it should go.

So we're constantly lost then in our thoughts when we're,

We're trying to go to sleep,

And we can't stop planning,

We're going over it again,

And again,

And again,

Trying to control that if I,

If the plan,

If the trip goes,

You know,

Everything goes well,

Then I'll be happy.

And we obsess over it that so much to the point we wake up the next morning,

And we're still thinking,

Oh,

Planning,

And then what about this?

And if this happens,

And that happens,

And that happens,

And okay,

That'll all be good.

And then we just go back and repeat it again.

And if this,

If that,

If that,

If this,

And then we just repeat again.

And so this,

This perpetual planning,

This obsession that we get with planning,

Because we're trying to control for pleasant conditions and avoid unpleasant conditions.

So we,

We believe our thoughts when we're saying no,

You've got to make sure this goes right.

Otherwise,

You're going to be really unhappy.

Of course,

The problem is that while we're so focused,

We're so up in our little virtual reality machine,

Believing the little me up here,

That's going to be happy,

If everything goes according to plan,

We don't even notice how unhappy we are right now.

Because that's the lie that the ego is telling us.

That's how it's coming in disguised as good advice.

No,

You need all of these things out here to happen.

And then you can be happy.

Instead of recognizing,

I can be happy right now.

I could let go of the control of how this needs to happen.

Like still check to make sure the flight's going to be on time,

No problem.

Double check the taxi,

Whatever it is that you need to do.

Like no problem doing any of those things.

But this control,

That this idea that somehow I'm controlling all this and my happiness is dependent upon it.

Because if I believe that I'm controlling all of this,

And because so much of the time,

Like 75% of the time,

Let's say,

Not a scientific number,

But let's just go with 75% of the time,

Our plans tend to work out the way we imagine they would.

The flight was reasonably on time,

The taxi reasonably on time,

The teacher was there when she said she was going to be on the insight timer call,

Right?

All the little things that we could imagine that go wrong,

Like no,

Actually everything worked.

And because we get so caught up in it,

And we're so relieved when it works,

We're so happy,

We start to believe,

Well,

The reason it all worked,

That's because I'm controlling it all.

I went through every possible scenario,

And that's why it worked.

And so because we believe that,

Then we keep going out and trying to control other things.

Because if I'm controlling the planes and the trains and the weather and the taxis,

Then I can control other people,

Can't I?

I can control what other people are thinking,

What they believe,

And what they're feeling.

I can control their behavior.

I mean,

How many times have we tried to change someone to no avail?

And yet we keep going up,

Trying to change something,

Trying to change someone.

Always with this little thought,

If I could just,

If I could just get them to watch this YouTube video,

To read this newspaper article,

To stop watching the news programs they are watching and watch the ones that I'm watching,

If I could just get them to do all of these things,

To see things the way I see things,

Then I'll be happy.

Right?

Or if I could just get someone,

Your partner or friend,

If I could just get them to let go of their anger,

To let go of their disappointment,

If I could just get them to read this book on meditation,

If I could just get them to come to this insight timer class so that they could let go of their anger,

Then I could let go of my need for them to let go of their anger.

It's always got this little hook,

If I could just get them to do this.

And it doesn't mean that of course,

We can't express our views and opinions to another person,

Of course,

Right?

If we have different views and opinions,

I mean,

Not everyone believes the same thing,

Right?

Each of us is arising through different causes and conditions,

Different experiences,

Different parents,

Different consumption of media,

Of books,

Of different people that we've hung around with.

So everyone is going to have slightly different to very different views and opinions.

The people you share all the views and opinion with grew up in very similar circumstances.

So it doesn't mean that when we meet someone that has a different view and opinion that we have to get them to agree with us,

That we have to get them to see things the way we see things.

We have to let go of the idea that everyone needs to agree with us in order to be happy.

Because there's no learning going on in that capacity.

There's no genuine conversations happening,

Curiosity,

Why do you believe that?

Oh,

I believe this.

I believe this because of all of these things I've read,

Right?

Maybe I'm wrong.

But we get so attached to the idea that everyone's got to think and believe a particular way.

And then that's when the suffering happens instead of just having a conversation and recognizing,

Yeah,

We all have different,

Most of us have different views and opinions,

Or we will at least find,

We will come across people that have different views and opinions.

And that's okay.

I don't need you to have to agree with me in order to be okay.

Or even if we say to someone,

You know,

Someone that it's your partner maybe,

And they have been carrying around a lot of anger lately,

It's okay to say at some point,

Hey,

You may want to find a way to let this go.

It's really causing you a lot of suffering.

Not I need you to let it go because it's causing me suffering.

But you might want to consider that.

But think about how we go up in our heads.

But if I could just get them to come to this meditation class,

If I could just get them to see how unhealthy this behavior is for them,

Right?

We get lost in our own suffering,

Trying to control what other people are feeling,

What other people are thinking.

We can't control anyone else.

We don't even control ourselves.

Right?

And yet we think in our thoughts that I can control someone else.

And it always sounds so rational.

Well,

Yes,

Their anger is toxic.

It's unpleasant to be around this behavior.

Like,

Yeah,

It probably is.

Not saying that that's true.

I'm not saying that's not true.

But it's the unpleasantness,

The suffering is coming from the pushing back on it,

The resisting it,

The wanting someone to change when maybe they're not ready to change.

Or even in relationships,

And you see this a lot in romantic relationships,

Where overall,

It's a pretty good healthy relationship.

A lot of things in common,

You know,

A lot of things that you like about the other person.

But there's a couple of little things that you don't.

Maybe they're not as tidy as you are.

Maybe they don't clean up the kitchen as well as you do after dinner.

Maybe they spend a little bit too much time on social media.

Maybe they leave the bath towels on the floor,

Right?

Just little things that maybe you wouldn't do.

Okay.

But in a relationship where all of our attention starts to focus on the things that we don't like about our partner,

And if they would just pick up those bath towels,

If they would just clean up better,

If they would just do this,

If they would just change,

Then I can be happy in this relationship.

And in this way,

What we start to do is focus on all the negative qualities of our partner,

Instead of seeing the reality that,

Oh,

Yeah,

I'm never going to like absolutely everything about absolutely everyone.

And even your partner,

If 80% of it's good,

That's pretty good.

But we focus so much on that 20%.

And it's not just and it's not just that that's 20% of our experience,

We focus so much in our thoughts,

Trying to control their behavior,

Ending up ruining a relationship.

I have had talked to people where they're literally saying we're getting divorced over how she does the dishes.

I mean,

We get so focused on these little aspects,

Blowing them up,

Exaggerating them,

Making them seem so important,

Because we imagine that somehow we are controlling this.

And if I could just get them to do this,

If I could just get them to change,

Then I would be happy.

Thinking we are controlling other people,

When we cannot even control ourselves,

Because we do not even control our own thoughts and feelings,

And views and opinions and beliefs.

We don't control our emotions.

We don't control anything.

I mean,

If we did,

If we truly had control over our thoughts,

Our feelings,

Our emotions,

Our beliefs,

We would wake up every day and just say,

Today,

I'm going to think happy thoughts.

I'm going to only eat healthy food,

Lots of water,

Exercise,

Meditate,

Rest,

Stay off all technology.

I would do all of these things,

Because I am in total control.

We know that's not the reality.

We are not in control.

We know that when we sit in a meditation,

And then the thoughts just start coming,

Right?

Just one thought after another.

We don't have any idea what thought it's going to be,

But we get hooked into it,

We get stuck,

And then we're in there controlling something.

Or even on those meditations,

When we're not having any thoughts.

A couple of thoughts,

Maybe in the beginning,

And then just,

We go into samadhi,

Deep samadhi.

We didn't control that either.

And of course,

We go back then,

Oh,

Well,

What was I doing that day?

You know,

How can I replicate this?

Trying to chase,

Trying to control.

We're not controlling any of these things.

And when we have an unpleasant feeling arise,

A feeling of sadness,

Right?

Just a memory,

Something's triggered,

And we feel a little bit of sadness.

We don't control for that feeling arising,

Right?

But we try and control and stuff it down.

Oh,

I shouldn't be feeling sadness right now.

Well,

You are.

That's what's arising,

Or you're feeling disappointment.

You thought something was going to happen,

Something different is happening.

And that disappointment is there.

And we go,

Oh,

I shouldn't feel this.

Or in the disappointment,

Wanting to blame someone else for why I'm feeling this way.

Or maybe we're just bored,

Right?

There's no one to blame in that moment.

But we're desperate,

Looking for something to distract us,

Because God forbid,

We should be bored,

That there's nothing going on.

We get so,

I've got to control this.

I can only experience pleasant experiences.

Instead of just coming in and feeling and relaxing into,

Oh,

I'm bored.

Okay.

Let's feel boredom.

Let's feel what boredom really feels like.

It was a little bit of tightening with the thought,

With the story,

With the control.

But now that I'm coming in and feeling it,

Oh,

Actually,

It's not so bad.

It's just a little bit of a feeling.

And now I just feel a little bit of spaciousness and ease.

Man,

But I so believed a minute ago,

That I had to change my experience by finding something outside of me,

You know,

Try and fill up this empty hole.

When all I needed to do was come in and experience it,

Or to feel the disappointment,

Ah,

You know,

Feel that someone was unkind to us,

Feel,

Ah,

You know,

Self-compassion,

Oh,

Sweetheart,

That was tough.

And to feel what's happening.

Yeah.

Not to go into this controlling,

Oh,

I'll never do that again,

Because look at what happened.

I got criticized.

And therefore,

I should never be vulnerable again.

I should never say something because this one time,

I was criticized.

So in that way,

Trying to control,

To never be criticized,

To never feel hurt.

You're not going to avoid that.

That's part of life.

We all experience it.

We all get criticism from time to time.

We feel disappointed.

We get blamed for something.

You know,

We even feel anger.

It's okay.

If anger is what's arising,

Like feel it.

Don't get lost in the story of pushing back on what it was,

But come in and feel it.

This is what's arising.

These are all the conditions that are arising in this moment,

The millions and billions and trillions of conditions that are arising.

If that's what's nudged it,

Nudged this one,

Then that's what's happening.

Feel it,

To come in and feel what's happening.

Because what you feel,

You heal.

There was a woman in my earlier class that just told me that,

I love that little saying,

What you feel,

You heal,

Right?

We imagine that we're healing,

That we're protecting,

That we're preventing it happening in this controlling thoughts in our heads.

We are just persisting in the suffering.

What we come in and we feel,

We heal.

What we come in and we feel,

We heal.

And you breathe,

And you're with your experience,

And you ground yourself back here in the present moment.

You hear,

You look around,

Smell,

Use your senses.

Oh,

Okay.

A moment ago,

I was up in the VR headset,

Believing the little me up there that was threatened,

That was a victim,

That's helpless,

That's incomplete,

That feels isolated and alone.

Nobody likes it.

A minute ago,

I was believing that.

And then I came in and I felt my experience.

And I breathed into it.

And I was here again.

And I came back into reality.

Because the ego,

The illusion of the ego is so compelling.

We spend so much time up there believing that that is reality,

Versus the reality of what we are seeing and hearing and feeling and smelling and tasting.

And we have to keep breaking it.

It's that continuous starting again,

Beginning again.

Oh,

I got lost.

I see you,

Mara.

I see you,

Mara.

I see you selling control today,

Trying to control what they're doing over there.

I see you.

And to come back and to feel it,

To be okay in our experience.

We've got to be more aware of the ways in which we keep getting hooked into this illusion,

Through this idea that somehow I am controlling this one and everything around me and everyone.

Because we are not controlling anything.

Our thoughts are not controlling anything.

If anything,

We are the ones that just keep getting controlled.

We are the ones that keep suffering.

Because the thoughts just are relentless.

Just this continuous,

Well,

They should be doing this.

And if you can get them to do that,

And if you could just,

Meredith,

If you could just not do that next time,

As though that the trying to control our own experience is somehow having a better outcome.

And I think that's part of the fear that we think,

Well,

If I don't try and control myself,

Then I'm just going to be out of control.

It's the exact opposite.

By trying to control yourself,

You do become out of control.

Right?

So when we fire off a text to someone,

We act,

You know,

We cut our nose off to spite our face.

We act in ways that are very against our interests.

Because we're so hurt,

Because we feel like we're so fragile in that moment,

Because we've misunderstood something,

Because we've exaggerated the meaning of something.

We're not having greater control,

It ends up giving us,

We become out of control.

So it doesn't mean,

When I say we're looking for the controller,

Again,

It doesn't mean that we can't simulate the future,

It's helpful to be able to do that.

But just don't imagine there's a little me that's going to be happy if this is how it all goes,

Like make a plan and then let it go.

Okay,

Here's the plan.

Let's see how it goes.

Now.

Let's see.

Most of the time,

It will work out just fine.

And for those times when it doesn't,

You're open,

You're present,

Ah,

Maybe another plan's rising over here,

A better plan,

A plan I hadn't considered.

And maybe the plan's just unpleasant,

It's not a better plan.

But I'm okay.

Because I know this too will pass.

Because everything does.

And nothing is,

When we're in our controlling thoughts,

We imagine whatever it is that we're trying to control for is the most important thing in the world.

It's usually not.

It's usually way,

Way,

Way,

Way down on the list.

Right?

We imagine we're a heart surgeon on our way to do a heart replacement surgery or something,

You know,

That that's the kind of like importance of getting this person to change their behavior,

Or getting this person to think the way I think.

Or making sure that my neighbor isn't doing something that I don't like.

Because every time we do this,

We are lost in the illusion,

The illusion of separateness,

Of lack,

Of not feeling whole.

Everything we do not want is what we get lost in this alternate reality.

And we see the world from that reality as the center of the universe.

And everyone should bow down to what my desires and what my fears are.

So what you're doing over there,

Even though it has nothing to do with me,

Ego thinks it does.

I don't like it.

And I should go over there and say something to them.

And we get lost in our thoughts about what should I say?

I'll say this,

And they'll say this,

And they'll do this.

And of course,

We don't go say anything,

We just keep repeating the conversation in our head,

Trying to control for pleasant experiences,

Making ourselves unhappy now.

Instead of recognizing ah,

The reality is,

I am a part of this universe.

I am not the center of it.

And what they are doing over there,

It has nothing to do with me.

And maybe the noise is a little bit louder.

And maybe it's in the middle of me doing one of my classes.

I don't control the universe.

I am not the center of the universe.

I am a part of it.

We can let go and breathe and feel.

Keep bringing ourselves back out of this illusion of control,

Because we are not controlling anything.

So our practice,

Like we did with the validator,

Right,

Noticing the ego's need for validation,

How convincing it is,

How very,

Very convincing it is that I need this person's approval in order to be happy.

That I need this person that I think disapproves of me to approve of me in order to be happy.

Like noticing that so that you could see it and say,

I see you Mara,

Right?

We've talked about the story of the Buddha and Mara as the ego,

I see you,

Right?

And then now seeing it,

Adding on to the validation,

Still looking for the need for validation because it is in the need for validation that the ego has arisen.

Without the need for validation,

The thought I need validation,

You don't need validation,

You are already whole.

It is the thought that separates us into two,

And now I feel incomplete and I'm going to look outside for the validation.

Remember,

The ego is always pointing outside.

If you could just get that out there,

Then you would feel happy.

And what we're saying is it's a lie,

Whatever it's pointing to is a lie.

So when it's saying now to add on,

To look for the controller,

Ah,

Here it is again.

I so believe that if I could just have this one thing work out the way I want it to work out,

If I could just control for this one thing,

I'd be happy.

And to look,

There it is,

The controller,

It's so convincing.

Feel the tightness,

The tension,

The stress,

The fear of that controlling in our thoughts and come back and breathe,

Feel,

Feel to heal.

As you bring yourself back and use it against self-compassion,

Right?

Oh,

That was painful,

Someone hurt you,

You embarrassed yourself.

Oh,

Okay,

I said the wrong thing.

Oh,

Sweetheart,

That was a little embarrassing,

Right?

We're not controlling what's coming out of this mouth,

We're not,

Right?

The best thing we can do is,

Oh,

Sweetheart,

That was tough,

Right?

Okay,

Come back,

Excuse me,

Breathe,

Feel what's happening in your body to keep bringing yourself back because we have to keep breaking,

Snipping the habit of going up into the simulation of believing the illusion of the ego as who I am.

You are not the ego.

The ego,

It's not like there's all 100% badness with the ego,

There's a little bit of usefulness there,

A little bit of usefulness for self-identity,

A little bit for protection,

Right?

As long as we just understand it's a tool,

Right?

Ah,

It arises,

There's a little me there for a moment,

I'm imagining,

Okay?

But not getting lost in this idea of trying to make the little me happy,

Spending our whole lives trying to make this little me happy in my head,

But really just making me unhappy now,

Making me feel unworthy,

Separate,

Lacking,

Incomplete,

Afraid now.

The illusion is we're controlling to have pleasant experiences.

The reality is we are having way more unpleasant experiences through trying to control that which we do not control,

And we do not control anything.

Each and every one of us is arising interdependent,

Interconnected,

Based on who your parents were,

Where you went to school,

What kinds of things you read,

What kind of friends you hang out with,

What kind of experiences you've had,

What's happening with the weather,

What's happening with your dogs,

With your children,

With your best friend,

With your partner,

What's happening in your biology,

If you're sick,

If you've got a stomach ache,

If you're tired,

If you didn't sleep well the night before,

All of these millions and billions and trillions of different things causing you to arise in each moment and change moment by moment by moment.

We want happiness,

We want peace universally,

This is what we want.

Okay,

Wake up and see reality,

Not the virtual simulation of you being separate and small and limited and finite,

It is not reality,

It's a simulation.

And every time you bring your attention back into your body and you feel and you breathe,

The little me goes away because it's not me goes away because it's not real,

It's an illusion,

This is what we're trying to see.

There is no one thing here in control,

The ego is what gives the sense of illusion of control,

But it is an illusion.

And every time we're looking up here,

If our attention is there,

If that's what we're focused on,

We're not looking and paying attention to what is really happening,

That how we are arising moment by moment by moment and changing moment by moment by moment,

And that really there is freedom in that.

There's freedom in letting go of that which you do not have control of anyway.

It's not that you're going to become stuck and you're not going to do anything because in fact,

The things that you do are not based in fear and desire anymore.

The decisions and the choices that are happening,

Not one thing making them,

They are better because they're not based in fear and desire anymore.

It is the freedom is giving up this idea that we have control and seeing depending upon where you are in your practice,

Just seeing how you're trying to control other people,

Control your experience,

Work with that,

See it,

Label it,

Identify it,

I see you Mara,

You're selling control today.

I see that you're telling me that if I could just get this thing,

You know,

If I could just make this plan work,

That I would be happy,

But I'm not buying your story anymore.

That if I could just get them to think the way I need them to think,

Or if I could get them to feel or behave the way I want them to believe,

I'm not buying that anymore.

And you come into your body,

You breathe and you feel and you heal.

And you go,

Oh yeah,

I feel okay now.

And you keep repeating and repeating and repeating.

And the more that you do this,

And the more that you start to trust the present moment,

More than you trust the virtual reality headset,

The separateness,

The lacking little me,

The more that you start to trust reality more,

The more you start to pay attention and really do notice,

How did I get here right now?

Oh,

That's right,

I had a call earlier,

And then this happened,

And then there was hunger arising,

Really keep tracing your steps as you go throughout your day,

Paying attention,

Because it feels so much like you're making all of this happen,

And your thoughts will always come in afterwards to pretend that they,

That you are making it happen,

Thoughts will always claim credit.

But they are lies.

And they just keep us lost in the illusion.

Instead of living in reality,

The freedom to enjoy the ride that we are,

How we are arising in each moment,

Interdependent,

Interconnected,

A part of one another.

This is what we miss seeing every time we go up into the ego.

So really being on the lookout this week for the controller,

Still looking out for the validator as well.

But we're going to add on the controller,

Because the more that we can see it,

Identify it,

To label it,

To be very clear what's going on.

Notice what it's pointing out to.

Oh no,

I've got a feel to heal.

Breathe into it,

Keep bringing yourself back,

Keep bringing yourself back,

And feel the peace that is here right now.

The peace that it's telling you is out there,

Is actually right here,

Right now.

Reviews

Thankyou Meredith ❤️

Enlightening, definitely thought provoking way that has to be experienced to know, recognise, filter, bring back to now, find feel & heal.. with lots of kindness & ❤️ I think I'm sort of heading in the right direction... kindness, kindness, kindness... 😁

To me the simulation is like being in a Super Mario Brothers game.. (very funny but sad too)..

As Dory says to Marlin, keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming." la lala la la la
🐳🐋🐬🦭🐟🐠🐡🦈🪼🪸🐚🦑🦐🦞🦀🐙🌊⛵️🚤🛶⛴️🛳🚢

Namaste 🙏 Metta 🙂

🩵💙💚💛💜❤️🧡🩷