Leaning Into Contentment

Even though we are all familiar with contentment, and there's nothing too mysterious about it, we don't feel content very much these days. A big reason for this is our society has developed a belief system that keeps convincing us contentment is somehow over there, in the next moment, after we achieve something or get something. But the reality is that the spaciousness, ease, sense of fulfillment, gratitude, and harmony, that is contentment is always right here in this moment. It's not dependent on anything. It's not fleeting. This is why it's the highest form of happiness. I hope this talk helps you to live a life of greater contentment, peace, and harmony.

Transcript

So the title of our talk is Leaning into Contentment.

And I chose the word contentment because I think often in spirituality when we use words like peace or love or spirit or enlightenment,

Nirvana,

Connection,

Sometimes these words can feel a little bit out of reach.

And the word contentment is just so accessible,

Right?

It's so approachable.

And we've all felt contentment before.

We all know what contentment feels like.

That sense of ease,

That sense of satisfaction,

Of fulfillment,

That sense of gratitude,

Appreciation,

A sense of harmony inside,

Of not needing to reach out for anything to add on to this moment and not being bothered by anything that's happening either,

Not pushing back on anything that's happening either.

So it's this real,

Just beautiful state of equanimity,

Of inner peace.

And the word contentment also is just so the polar opposite of the chasing kind of happiness that we do in our society today,

Where we're chasing happiness in something outside of us,

An external goal,

A new holiday,

An adventure,

Some type of experience,

Could be work-related,

Wanting to get promoted,

Get a new bonus,

Get a pay raise,

Get a new title,

Get a new job,

Could be a material thing,

Getting a new house,

Getting a new car,

Could be getting something for the house.

It could be getting a new partner.

And it's not that there's anything wrong with any of those things of wanting those things in our world to have that experience.

But the happiness that we assign to those experiences is very limited,

It's very fleeting.

It doesn't last very long,

And it's of course dependent upon getting these things.

And it's not just that we have,

We are chasing happiness in the external world and all these big things.

We have extrapolated this into every part of our lives where we can no longer be happy doing the to-do list.

I can only be happy,

I can only be content when the to-do list is done.

Like we can't be happy doing the taxes,

I can only be happy when the taxes are done or when the project is done.

And so we have turned contentment,

Which is not dependent on anything outside of us,

Which is not a fleeting happiness,

We have turned it into that because we chase it.

We tell ourselves when we're doing a project,

We're super busy,

And we imagine what contentment's gonna feel like on the other side of this project.

Oh my God,

It's gonna be so great.

And maybe we imagine we've gotta turn in a project or we've got a deadline on Friday at five o'clock and we think,

Man,

Saturday morning I'm gonna wake up and it's gonna be great.

I'm not gonna do anything.

I'm just gonna get my coffee,

I'm gonna sit on the sofa and I'm gonna feel so at ease,

So fulfilled,

So content,

And it's gonna be amazing.

So we imagine what contentment's gonna feel like in our minds.

But then what happens is we get to Saturday,

We get our coffee or our tea and we're sitting on the sofa and it feels good because we've just accomplished something.

That's a good feeling,

Right?

But because all week we've been telling ourselves that happiness is over there,

Because we've probably been telling ourselves this our whole life,

That happiness is over there,

It doesn't take long before the thoughts start coming into our mind again.

You know what,

I didn't really mean sit here and do nothing.

I mean,

I better grab my laptop.

Let me go online,

Let me see what the news is,

Let me check social media,

Let me check my email,

You know,

Let me grab a podcast,

Let me get a book because we like the idea of contentment but because we have made contentment dependent on something,

It is fleeting and up again that mindstream thought,

Happiness is over there and off we go,

Chasing happiness,

Chasing contentment,

Chasing joy.

And we are so caught up in the idea of happiness being over there that we don't even see how unhappy it makes us now,

How discontent it makes us in this moment.

We don't even realize the pressure that we put on ourselves because we so believe our happiness is over there and we're so fixated on the goal that I've got to get over there.

It's like we put ourselves in a pressure cooker and we believe the only way to release the steam is if I get over there.

So anything that's delaying me on my way to over there is a problem,

It just adds more pressure.

It builds and it irritates us anytime someone interrupts us,

Right?

We're so focused,

I've got to get over there.

And we miss so many beautiful moments,

So many joyful moments,

So many moments of connection,

Of love.

Maybe your child is wanting your attention for something but we're so,

I've got to get over there.

And we kind of dismiss them quickly,

Oh,

That's nice,

Honey,

But I've got to get over there.

I say,

I've got to release the valve,

It's the only way I can do it.

Right,

Or maybe your dog or your cat or someone or a friend.

And we don't give our attention to what's happening now because we so believe that our happiness is in the next moment,

That our happiness is dependent upon the completion of whatever object,

Whatever external goal we have set ourselves up for.

And anything that gets in the way is a problem for us.

But there's nothing on the other side of this moment.

Right,

What we think is on the other side of this moment is actually only found in this moment.

The spaciousness,

The ease,

The appreciation,

The gratitude,

The sense of fulfillment,

The sense of being complete,

Of being whole.

Contentment is only found in this moment.

And contentment,

Genuine contentment,

Real contentment is not dependent on anything outside of us.

It's not fleeting,

It's here,

Always,

Right now,

In this moment.

It's why it is the highest form of happiness.

It's not dependent.

So if we want to be more content,

If we want to lean into contentment more in our lives,

Then what we have to do is look at how we set up these external goals for ourselves and imagining that in these goals,

It's going to,

Like when we reach that goal,

It's going to unlock all of our happiness,

All of our sense of self-worth,

All the doubts are gonna disappear.

I'm finally gonna love myself.

I'm finally gonna feel worthy.

I'm finally gonna feel complete.

I'm finally gonna be fulfilled.

As soon as I get to that next goal,

But we know what happens,

Right?

The goalpost moves,

And with it,

So does my happiness.

So let me just keep going.

I just had the wrong goalpost.

Gotta get to the next one.

But we just keep moving and moving the goalpost and not realizing how all of this chasing is bringing us a lot of discontentment,

A lot of unease,

A lot of tension,

Distress and anxiety.

I mean,

It runs up the gamut of how tense it can make us feel.

And so not only is it not bringing us the lasting happiness that we're looking for,

It's preventing us from knowing the happiness that's here right now.

So again,

It's not that we don't have experiences that we want to have in our future that we're thinking about,

That we maybe want a promotion at work.

Or we want to be challenged at work.

Or we want to learn a new instrument.

Or we want to follow our spiritual path.

Or you're single and you want a new partner.

I mean,

Nothing wrong with wanting those things,

But we can't turn them into goalposts.

And we can't imagine that all of our happiness is going to be found in attaining that.

This is what we've been doing.

It's not working.

It's not bringing us the happiness that we want.

So instead,

Thinking of these external goals as more pointing us in the direction,

Right?

They're just kind of pointing us in the right direction.

You know,

If you want to improve at work or you're looking for a partner,

You know there's certain things you need to be doing now in this moment,

But that your happiness is not dependent upon getting that goal.

So really,

If we think about an overarching,

A unifying goal,

A unifying practice that we can have that will help bring our attention to what it is we should be doing now,

To bring us into the present moment,

To help us feel more content,

That is applicable in any situation,

Any day of the week,

Any time of day,

Something that does bring us contentment in this moment and also helps us still move in the direction of the external experiences that we want.

Right,

So still being content in this moment.

And when we get the high of getting the new partner,

Right,

Or the new,

The promotion,

Whatever it is,

We can enjoy the high,

Enjoy the excitement,

Enjoy the sense of accomplishment,

Whatever it is.

Great,

No problem,

Right?

But you didn't sacrifice your happiness leading up to it.

It's like,

Yeah,

I can be content.

I'm happy now.

And yay,

Yay,

I got the promotion,

Yay.

You know,

You get the praise,

The validation.

You know,

You won,

You know,

A little scratchy lotto,

You know,

Whatever it is,

You enjoy it.

Yay,

That's exciting.

But it's not like you come crashing down then afterwards going,

Oh,

But I thought all my happiness was gonna be in there.

You're back just down to contentment,

Right?

There's a sense of appreciation and gratitude for that thrill,

Even for the excitement,

For the newness of the holiday.

But it's not with that sense of clinging and grasping because my happiness isn't all dependent on that moment,

On that experience,

On getting that thing.

So a goal,

A unifying goal that we should have for ourselves is simply to do our best.

Just whatever you're doing,

Do your best.

Because when we think of it this way,

When I do my best,

No matter what it is that we're doing,

It brings us into this moment.

What am I doing right now?

Oh,

I'm giving a talk.

Do your best.

Don't think about what's gonna happen later.

Don't think about if you mess something up.

Just do your best.

In this moment,

It brings us into the moment.

It creates that sense of spaciousness,

Of ease.

It naturally slows us down as well.

If we're doing something,

We're writing a proposal,

We're responding to an email,

We're packing the car,

We're unpacking the car,

Right?

We tend to slow down and we're a little more careful with our movements,

A little more thoughtful.

We're here in the moment.

We're doing our best.

So when you're doing your best,

You feel your best.

You are content.

It's not the same as all of that stress that we're focusing on so much of the time of getting to the other side.

We're just here doing whatever it is,

Enjoying this part of our life too.

If you're with your family,

Be with your family.

Engage,

Listen,

Pay attention,

Right?

Don't be thinking about work or what you've got to do later.

Be there,

Be present.

Be with them.

Now if you're at work,

You're at a meeting,

Be in the meeting.

Don't be thinking about the emails you've got to respond to later.

Be in the meeting.

And then when you're responding to the emails later,

Don't be thinking about the meeting.

Be focused on the emails that you're doing.

Doing your best in that moment.

Right,

If you're taking a break,

Right?

It's been a busy morning.

You've been working for several hours.

You've been doing some project and you take a break.

Take a genuine break.

Don't take a break and then just keep thinking about what you're doing,

Because I got to get over there.

The happiness is over there.

Like take a real break,

Do your best.

Taking a break.

Don't go on social media.

Don't go on the news.

That's not a genuine break.

That's not a doing your best break,

Right?

That's just looking for a short-term hit to try and hold you over till you get the longer-term hit of what you're moving towards,

Right?

In the chasing model.

So take a genuine break.

Go for a walk.

Lie down.

Close your eyes for a few minutes.

Take a stretch.

Take a break.

Take a real break.

So whatever we're doing,

We're doing our best.

And because we are doing our best in this moment,

We are more likely to move closer to those external experiences that we would like to experience.

They're experiences,

Experiences that come and go,

Like everything,

Right?

We are more likely to get there.

If you're doing your best at work,

You are more likely to get promoted than being stressed and anxious and always looking over your shoulder,

Oh,

Are they doing better than me?

Oh,

No,

I better hurry.

You know,

I better get there,

Right?

You're doing your best.

You're doing your best on your spiritual practice and you're content with where you are now.

You are more likely to get to where you wanna get to and enjoy where you are now,

Appreciate where you are now as you still move towards,

You know,

Deeper,

You know,

Spiritual,

You know,

Deeper inner peace,

More stable,

Should just say more stable inner peace,

More stable contentment,

Right?

To be happy with where you are now and then be moving towards what it is that you still wanna be moving to.

And if you're doing your best in each moment,

Accepting and appreciating where you are,

You are more likely to get there.

So it is a way of thinking that tears down the goalposts.

These goalposts are these carrots that we keep setting up for ourselves,

Which we keep chasing,

Chasing,

Chasing,

Chasing,

Chasing,

You know,

Only to get there for a moment and have them just ripped out of our hand again,

Right?

It's a way for us to be content now in our experience,

Appreciate where we are now in our experience and when we get there,

Right?

And of course,

Because we're less trust,

Because we're less trust,

Because we're less trust,

Because we're less anxious,

Because we're less in the pressure cooker,

We do tend to have more energy,

Right?

More energy to do the things we wanna be doing,

To focus our attention on what we wanna be doing.

Why we tend to prioritize or make sure that our priorities are in sync,

Right?

That our actions are in line with our intentions,

Right?

That if family is important,

That when you're with family,

You're with family.

You know,

When you're at work,

You're at work.

When you're taking a break,

You're taking a break.

And of course,

The more content you are,

Right?

The more you focus on doing your best in this moment,

The more content you are,

The less comparing we tend to do.

Because comparing is really coming from a state of lack.

I need something,

Right?

I need something in my mind.

I've set myself up to think I have this goal that I need to get to over there.

Oh no,

And now I see they're getting it,

And I'm not getting it.

Oh no,

Right?

I've gotta panic,

Right?

I better speed up,

I better hurry.

They're getting it,

Not me,

Right?

So we don't tend to compare as much because we're content.

Our goal is an intrinsic goal.

It's an internal reward.

My goal,

Sorry,

My goal is simply to do my best.

It's kinda hard to measure that against someone else,

Right?

Your neighbor pulls in in a new car,

And maybe you do want a new car,

Right?

And you're kind of saving towards getting a new car.

But you see them pulling up in their new car,

And because you're content,

Because you're doing your best with whatever you're doing,

You can be happy for them.

And you can look at your 10-year-old car or 20-year-old car and say,

You know what?

You're still getting me around right now.

Thanks a lot.

I appreciate you,

Right?

It naturally brings us into a greater sense of appreciation while still wanting to have the new car when the conditions arise,

When the money is saved,

Or whatever it is you need to have them to get the new car.

But we're not comparing,

Oh,

Look at what they've got.

Look at what they're doing.

Their life looks so much happier than mine.

That's coming from such a state of lack,

Right?

That's coming from the model of happiness is on the outside because we can look at what people have on the outside and compare with what we have on the outside.

But contentment is a state of fulfillment,

Of satisfaction.

Of spaciousness,

Of ease.

There's no comparison for what contentment feels like,

Right?

Good for them for getting the new car.

Good for them for getting the promotion.

That's awesome,

Right?

We can be more happy for people.

So we compare ourselves a lot less when we're doing our best,

When we make doing our best our goal and we're more content.

And of course,

I think we do reach for the phone a lot less when we're doing our best.

Because doing our best is not needing to check the news every five minutes or check our text or check our email or check social media.

It's not needing,

Right?

A lot of that is we're looking again for the short-term hit,

Right?

I need a quick fix to keep me going.

Let me just check real quick.

Let me see what's going on.

That's a discontentment machine,

The phone.

That's all it is,

Is it just creates more wanting,

More craving,

More desire,

Right?

So we tend to look at our phone a lot less and we're more present.

And our phones are just not,

They're helpful.

They're super helpful as long as we're using them wisely.

Social media has its place as long as we're using it wisely.

But really,

You know,

Looking at why we go on these platforms,

Why we look at our phones so much,

Why we're looking at news so much,

We're usually looking for a short-term hit,

Right?

Because that's what it is,

It's short-term highs,

Right?

That's all these technologies are,

Short-term highs.

And if we're doing that,

We're falling back into the goalpost,

You know,

We're,

Oh,

No,

Let me just find the next one.

That news article didn't really satisfy me.

Let me find the next one.

Let me keep scrolling through here as I'm comparing myself to everyone else,

Feeling worse and worse and worse and worse and worse about myself,

Right?

It's just a bottomless pit.

And I don't mean that when we say doing our best and being content,

I don't mean that it means we never feel disappointment or anger or sadness or grief or loss or that we don't have a low-energy day or that we're just in a bad mood for some reason,

Or we just,

You know,

We kind of lost it a little bit when we started chasing something.

Like,

It doesn't mean that all of these things aren't still gonna happen,

But still even doing our best in those situations,

Right,

If we're feeling sadness,

If we've lost someone or we're in an estranged relationship with someone,

Doing our best would look like being with the hurt that's arising right now,

Not trying to stuff it down,

Not trying to distract ourselves,

Not trying to minimize it,

But coming closer to it,

Breathing into it,

Being with it,

Being with our sadness,

With the story that wants us to get to the other side of this,

Right?

If we're in a bad mood,

Right,

Doing our best.

I mean,

Maybe it's just,

I won't be around anyone today.

That could be my best,

But I won't let anyone else suffer by my bad mood right now,

Right?

Or disappointment,

Feeling disappointment.

What could be,

How could I do my best with that?

I could be with it.

I could be with the feelings of disappointment and let those feelings move through me because typically disappointment is 60,

90 seconds and it moves through us and that's doing my best.

So it doesn't mean that we're always kind of on cloud nine as doing our best,

As being content,

Right?

It's doing our best with whatever it is that's arising.

And even in sadness and even in grief and even in disappointment,

At least we're not pushing back on it.

We're not resisting what's happening because we've been doing all this practice of doing our best with all these other activities,

At work,

Doing the to-do list,

Unpacking the car,

Doing the grocery shopping,

All of those things.

We've practiced doing our best,

Being more content.

We're more likely to do it when we have the difficult or unpleasant emotions as well because the way we do anything is the way we do everything.

Right now we do everything in the chasing mode,

Chasing the happiness and then resisting anything that's unpleasant.

So now this changes everything,

Right?

In contentment and doing our best.

We're coming to what's happening.

We're more present.

We're more accepting.

We're more at ease.

Some of you might recognize this from the four agreements of Don Miguel Ruiz.

This is the fourth agreement.

Just do your best,

Right?

This is good spiritual advice.

When we do our best,

We are naturally more mindful.

No matter how mundane the activity,

It's more pleasant.

We feel better and we slow down because we're not racing to get to the next thing.

We see the nature of reality.

We see what's happening because we've slowed down,

Because we're not looking at our phone every five seconds.

We see how everything is arising and passing away,

How precious each moment is.

How precious each moment is.

Right,

We see how we're arising and passing away in each moment,

Our thoughts,

Our feelings,

Emotions constantly changing.

How it's actually much more interesting when you slow down and you're mindful and you're present with what's happening.

Right,

We see how interconnected everything is simply by doing our best.

It's good advice for our spiritual path.

It's good advice in the world.

You know,

With our relationships,

If you're with someone,

Do your best,

Be with them.

Listen,

Engage,

Pay attention.

Right,

At your job,

Doing your taxes,

Doing your to-do list.

It makes us better in this moment and also as we're progressing along using what we used to think of as our external goals but using them more just as signposts,

As directions,

Pointing us in a particular direction.

We're more appreciative of our lives,

Of where we are,

Of what we've got in this moment when we're content.

Gratitude is part of contentment.

Chasing happiness is the opposite.

Scarcity,

Lack.

Right,

So if we really want more contentment in our lives,

We do have to look at the belief system of how we've set up our external goals and chasing happiness.

As why that's the problem.

Because you can practice gratitude and you should and I love gratitude,

It's a beautiful practice.

But as long as you still believe your happiness is on the other side of some event,

As some external object,

That all of a sudden it's all gonna get unlocked.

I'm gonna feel worthy,

I'm gonna feel complete,

I'm gonna feel whole,

Right?

Contentment will elude you.

And so do your best.

Just do your best in each moment.

Just do your best in each moment.

Do your best no matter what you're doing.

Brushing your teeth,

Do your best.

Doing the dishes,

Do your best.

Playing with your dog,

Do your best.

Going for a walk with your dog,

Do your best.

Taking a break,

Do your best.

Taking a day off from work,

Take a genuine day off from break,

Do your best.

Really jump in,

Take a day off,

Enjoy it,

Do your best.

And what you will find is that the more you do that,

The more content you are,

The more at peace you are,

The more present you are,

The more spaciousness there is.

And when the good times come,

When the excitement,

The party,

When the move is over,

When the project is complete,

When you get the new partner,

Like yay,

All of that's fun,

It's exciting.

Right,

Enjoy it,

But it's a fleeting kind of happiness.

And let it just move through you,

Okay?

Have gratitude,

Yay,

This is fun.

But it doesn't complete me,

Because I'm already complete.

I don't need these,

I don't need to pretend anymore that these things are completing me,

They're not,

Right?

I mean,

This is what we've been deluding ourselves for our whole lives.

I just had the wrong goalpost.

I just had the,

Should have had this goalpost.

Oh no,

Still this one.

Oh shoot,

It should have been this one.

Right,

We're just deluding ourselves.

So do your best,

Do your best.

The more you do your best,

No matter what you are doing,

The more you will be content,

The more you will be in this moment,

Living in this moment,

Peaceful,

Happy,

Satisfied,

Appreciative of where you are now,

And appreciative of where you are going to as well.

Reviews

Such a profound talk. Really life changing. THANK YOU 🙏

The message I took from it was, Happiness is not over there; it is right here, right now

Very powerful talk. Despite hearing the advice to “do you best” constantly throughout life, it was finally presented in a way that resonated. Thank you 🙏🏼

I really needed this. I started listening while multitasking and finished giving it my full attention. Loved the message about searching for the next thing and the next thing to make us happy. Wonderful, thank you so much! ❤️