Kindness: A Catalyst For Recognizing Our Shared Connection

In this dharma talk, we delve into the profound impact of kindness as a catalyst for recognizing our interconnectedness and realizing our oneness. That kindness is the expression of recognizing our interconnectedness. By consciously embracing kindness as a practice, we cultivate a deep sense of connection, belonging, and inner well-being, transforming our lives and fostering harmonious relationships within our shared reality.

Transcript

I want to start with a reference to the show Friends from the 90s,

Where the character Phoebe,

Played by Lisa Kudrow,

Is having this kind of debate with Chandler that she can do a kind act without getting anything in return.

And so the whole episode goes where she's trying to,

Like,

Do something anonymously not to get that thanks,

That recognition,

And she keeps getting caught,

Of course,

And gets the recognition.

And eventually at the end of the episode,

They come to the conclusion that whether she got the recognition or not,

She was going to feel good,

That whenever you're doing something kind,

Like,

It just,

It feels good.

So kindness,

Of course,

Does evoke a lot of really positive feelings and emotions within us.

But I think the most profound deep felt sense of connection is what's really at the heart of why kindness feels so good to us,

Because it just cuts through that illusion of separateness,

Where we see that everything is connected,

That everything is interconnected,

Interdependent,

That kindness is really the expression of understanding of knowing that we are all connected.

So when we are going about our day,

And we're,

We're maybe in the supermarket,

And you see someone struggling to get something off,

Off the top shelf,

Could be me,

I'm quite short,

Right?

And so you see someone struggling,

And you just rush over to help them,

What is it that you need?

And you and you get it for them.

Right?

You don't think about it,

You just see that someone needs help.

And if you're a tall person,

You're able to help and you act.

Or maybe if you're in the line at the supermarket,

And,

And you look behind and you pay attention to how many items the person has in the cart behind you,

And if they only have a few items,

You let them go in front of you.

You don't think about it,

You just recognize that kindness is the expression of understanding that we are all connected.

And it feels good.

We never regret that.

We never walk away regretting a kind act.

And when we see it in really courageous acts of kindness,

When someone runs into a a burning building and saves a stranger,

Or standing on the subway platform and someone falls,

And there's always one person,

Right?

They hear the train coming too,

Like everyone else,

But they just act.

They jump in and they help the other person.

And in these courageous acts,

Of course,

We get a little bit more of a window into what's going on because they're always interviewed,

Right?

The news cameras always come.

And they're always asked,

What were you thinking?

And the response is always the same.

I wasn't thinking at all.

I was just acting.

I was in there doing it before I even realized what was going on,

That they just saw through the delusion of separateness and they were acting.

Of course,

If we asked all the people that stood on the platform and didn't act,

What were you thinking?

They'd all have a lot to say.

I was thinking about the train was coming and how dangerous this is,

And maybe I'm not strong enough.

And all of these reasons that created this illusion of separateness,

This illusion that that person's different than me.

And I guarantee you,

Only one person leaves the subway without regret that day.

The person that acted.

Because that's a life-changing event.

That kind of extraordinary courageous act of kindness,

It gets an awakening in that moment.

And it has the potential to fully wake us up in that moment from the delusion of separateness.

And so in all spiritual traditions,

Including Buddhism,

Kindness is a fundamental practice because it gets to the heart of spirituality that we are trying to see through the delusion of separateness,

To see that we are all connected,

That we are all a part of this massive tapestry.

And while I might look a little different,

My thread might be a little bit different color over here,

A little bit different texture,

Right?

But when you step back and you look at it,

You see it's all just one.

And everything that's happening in my little corner over here,

Right?

The little ripple effect is going out.

And the ripple effects in the corner over there are coming out and they're coming down and affecting me.

That we are all affecting each other.

And that we understand through interconnectedness,

Through interdependence,

Through kindness leading us to this,

That we belong.

Because isn't this the existential crisis that we face?

Why we come to spirituality or therapy or look for other experiences?

Because we want to feel like we belong.

And we don't feel like we belong because we are lost in the illusion of separateness.

So kindness,

The qualities of kindness,

Of generosity,

Of friendliness,

Of care,

Of thinking about others is a catalyst to slice through the illusion of separateness and see that we are all interconnected.

And it's not just a theoretical idea of what does it feel like,

Because everyone here has had someone do something kind for them,

Right?

Many kind acts in their lifetimes.

You have all done many kind things for other people.

And you know that feeling that comes from kindness.

And we express it as,

It's just this feeling of joy,

Of lightness,

Of love,

Of satisfaction,

Of contentment,

Right?

Of feeling safe,

Of feeling secure.

All of this is describing we feel connected.

That's what it's doing for us.

It's showing us that we are all connected.

We are all one.

And so every time we experience this,

It's like having a mini awakening.

It's in that moment we have woken up from the dream of separateness.

It may not be stable.

It may come back.

But in that moment,

We are awake.

We are seeing things clearly.

We are seeing the nature of reality as long as we are practicing altruistic kindness.

So we're going to go a little bit,

A step further than where Phoebe and Chandler went on Friends,

Because while we don't want to get credit,

We're not being kind to get credit for it.

We're not being kind to get something out of it.

We also want to be very careful because the ego is very clever at inserting itself into kindness and creating an image of us being kind.

I'm so kind.

I'm so generous.

I'm such a good person.

I hope everyone saw that.

I hope they all know this.

So the moment that image of us created of me as a good person,

We are back in the illusion of separateness again.

And we have to be really careful of that image because it's very seductive.

It's very alluring.

Me,

Kind.

It's so enticing to want to get engaged in that,

But we have to be so mindful of that image because that kind image,

That good image of me is inextricably linked to the unkind image of me,

The bad image of me.

You can't have one without the other.

Eventually,

It will turn.

So again,

In our practice,

Because we're going to be doing a lot of kindness practice over the next seven weeks,

We're going to have different,

Each week we're going to focus on a different aspect of kindness.

And so being very mindful of the image that wants to get created out of kindness,

Noticing when that image is arising and coming back and focusing on the feeling,

That's where we want to keep our attention,

Always on the feeling,

That feeling of interconnection.

As soon as we're with the image,

We've lost it.

So hopefully that's a good incentive to come out of the image,

To come out of that dream.

And as we do seven weeks of kindness,

We're doing this with a specific angle into different,

As I said,

Different aspects of kindness.

Because one of the challenges with kindness is that it's so obvious,

Like,

Just be kind,

Of course,

Like,

Who's going to argue with that?

Like,

Be kind.

Yeah,

Of course.

And because it's so obvious,

We tend to take it for granted.

We don't think of it as a serious practice,

As something I should really be doing each day,

Of how can I be more kind today?

I mean,

We are kind and we're trying to be kind,

But I mean,

Really elevating it like,

Man,

This is serious practice.

I mean,

Kindness has the potential to wake us up.

It is essential to our practice.

So we want to really elevate our kindness practice,

Put it on the altar where it deserves to be,

And really give it a spotlight that it deserves to have,

So that we keep seeing the nature of reality,

That we are all connected.

So each week,

We are going to,

As we practice a specific aspect of kindness,

It doesn't mean that we're dropping off the previous week's practice.

We're just going to keep building on to each practice,

But one will be the focal point.

If you think of it like a big circle in the middle with like six spokes and little circles around,

You know,

Whichever week that is,

That will be the primary one in the center that we're focusing on,

But we're still going to be focusing on the others as well.

So that hopefully after seven weeks of really making kindness our primary practice,

And really seeing how connected we are,

How interdependent we all are,

How every time we walk past another being,

If we smile at them,

What a difference it makes.

If we judge them,

What a difference it makes.

Right?

If we're generous or if we're stingy,

Right,

That every action,

Every look,

Every word that comes out of our mouth has an effect on someone else,

And it also has an effect on us.

Right?

Because if we're judging,

If we're being stingy,

If we're resisting someone having ill will,

We're in the sense of separateness,

We're in the illusion,

But the moment that drops out,

We understand,

Right?

Kindness is the expression of knowing,

Of understanding that we are all connected.

It motivates us to keep being kind and to keep seeing,

Wow,

Every time I do that,

I do feel like I belong,

Because you do belong.

We cannot not be a part of this,

But the dream is so convincing.

It's so convincing,

Right?

So we've got to get out of the dream,

And what a beautiful way to do that by practicing kindness.

So for our first week of kindness practice,

We are going to do random acts of kindness for strangers.

They can be for people we know.

Some of you are familiar with this.

We've done a lot of kindness practices in the past.

It's such a beautiful practice.

You're going into the supermarket,

And instead of rushing for the front door,

Instead of rushing to get in first as we typically do,

Right,

You might slow down a little bit because you want to get there just in time to open the door for that other person or to let them go first,

Right?

If you're in line,

You're really looking behind and seeing like,

You know,

Can I let this person go ahead of me?

And what can I do?

You know,

How can I spread some kindness?

Can I just bring my loving kindness practice here?

Because maybe the person has 100 items behind us,

And we have two.

We think,

Well,

That's going to look kind of weird for you.

Go ahead with your items.

But instead,

We can just sit there and wish them happiness.

Maybe happy,

Maybe safe,

Maybe well,

Right?

Sending out those good thoughts of kindness.

When we get into our car,

I think this is another place we always,

We go to back up,

And it's like,

I gotta get,

I gotta back up first,

Right?

It's separate,

Me,

Me,

Me.

And instead,

We look because we're looking for opportunities to practice kindness.

Oh,

I hope there's someone wanting to go out now so I can wait and let them go ahead.

Not for the recognition,

Just for that understanding that we are all connected.

Or if it's,

You know,

Reaching out to a friend you know is going through a difficult time,

Or that they have something really good going on,

And you just want to send them like,

Hey,

I know this is a big day today,

And I'm so excited for you.

Like,

Just taking that moment to think about how can I affect someone else's day in a positive way?

Maybe it's just thinking about your favorite restaurant,

Your favorite massage place,

Your favorite nail place,

And going on Yelp and leaving them a positive review,

Right?

Like,

Just doing little things of kindness.

And we can really get creative and really amp up the way we're being kind.

You know,

As you go through the week,

And you keep looking for these opportunities,

You're in traffic,

And you look around and you do your loving kindness practice that may be patient in this traffic.

May you all not freak out,

You know,

May everyone be okay,

Right?

And thinking because you're all in this together.

It's not they're the traffic and I'm not.

We're all in this together,

Right?

And those thoughts kind of really bring us all down to that beautiful place of remembering we're all in it together.

So yeah,

So we can really do things more proactively as well.

Like,

Write out a bunch of little notes that have the sayings of loving kindness,

May you be happy,

May you be safe.

May you feel like you belong.

May you know that you're loved and accepted.

You know,

May you be kind to yourself.

And as you go about your day,

Right,

Just leave them in little places.

Leave them in the supermarket,

You know,

Different little places,

Put them on someone's windshield.

You know,

You're in a public restroom,

Leave a couple or one,

You know,

Here and there.

So someone finds it and they go,

Oh,

Man,

Happy,

Look around,

You know,

That,

Right.

So we can really get creative with the ways that we can continue to spread kindness.

Always focusing on the feeling.

Always coming back to that heart-centered emotion of the feeling of kindness.

Seeing interconnection,

Knowing that we are connected.

This is what we want to keep always coming back to.

Every time you're doing an act of kindness,

Come back to your heart center,

Feel it.

Feel it.

Notice how different everything appears when you see the world clearly.

And we're going to do the way that we practice kindness.

And some of you know this because we did this a few years ago,

Where we have an intention,

Action,

And reflection.

So IAR,

It's a terrible acronym.

I can't come up with anything else.

I asked chat GPT,

Failed me there.

So if you have something better,

Come up with it.

But intention to remember,

When you wake up in the morning,

The first thing you think of,

So maybe put a sticky note the first few days on your alarm or your phone,

If your phone is your alarm.

And the first thing we think of,

How can I be kind today?

And so you start thinking about your day,

What are you going to be doing?

Where do I have to go?

What meetings do I have?

Where are the opportunities that I'm going to have to practice kindness?

You're looking at your day through the lens of kindness.

And that is a very different way to how we typically wake up and think about our day.

Usually it's,

Oh,

God,

Do I have to go do that?

Oh,

No.

How am I going to get it all done?

I don't want to get out of bed.

I just want to go back to bed.

I can't do it.

But in this way,

When we look at our day through the lens of kindness,

We have that motivation,

That energy.

We're kind of excited to get out and spread kindness.

And because we did the intention in the morning,

Because we thought about it,

We thought about the opportunities that we're going to have,

We're going to follow through with the actions as we go about our day,

Looking for the ones that we had planned,

Right,

The ones we thought of,

And then for new opportunities,

Because they're always there.

They're always there if you look for them.

So we have the intention,

We have the actions of doing the kind acts throughout the day.

And then when you get into bed at night,

You close your eyes.

The last thing we do is reflect on all of the kind acts,

Really thinking about how the other person felt,

Right,

Thinking about,

You know,

If you did hold the door open for someone,

Or you let someone in front of you in line,

You sent a message to someone,

You left little notes,

Like really imagining how all these other people felt,

Like feeling it in your heart,

Right,

Not an image,

I'm so good,

I did all these kind things,

Right,

But feeling it in your heart,

The connection of kindness,

Right?

What a beautiful way to go to sleep,

Thinking about that.

And then again,

You wake up the next day,

How can I spread more kindness?

So intention,

Action,

Reflection,

That will really help keep you in that mindset of kindness,

Keep you in that mindset that we are all interconnected.

And we said last week,

Remember we did last week's class was leaning into contentment,

Doing our best to be more content,

To be more in the present moment.

Kindness is doing our best.

I mean,

That is doing our very,

Very best.

So again,

Building on that practice,

Not throwing away any practices,

Right,

Just building on that practice as well.

Kindness is doing our best.

Kindness is what gives us the sense of belonging that we all are desperate for,

Desperate because we live in the illusion of separateness.

It's the catalyst that pulls us out of the dream,

And it helps us to see reality.

You cannot not be a part of this.

You can delude yourself to believing it,

But you cannot not be a part of it.

And this is what we're trying to pull back the veil on,

To see,

To see how interconnected we really are,

And kindness is going to be the key to that.

To see how interconnected we really are,

And kindness is going to be the practice that we're going to use to really help us see that more often,

Know that in our hearts to be true.