Is Judging Others Kind?

The amount of judging others we do is directly related to how unconscious we are, which means we do a lot of judging. We all do it; it's pretty ingrained in us. However, when we bring more awareness to judging, what it feels like, and how narrow-minded and aggressive our thoughts become, we realize we do not want to engage in this. Everyone has a story for why they are the way they are. Nobody needs our judgment. They need our compassion - our kindness. Not judging others is one of the kindest things we can do for others.

Transcript

As we are starting our fourth class in our seven-part series on kindness,

I want to talk about Father Gregory Boyle,

Someone I have talked about in the past.

Some of you are familiar with him.

He is a Jesuit priest.

His parish is in Los Angeles,

In a really poor area of Los Angeles,

A lot of violence,

A lot of gangs.

In fact,

When he first went there in the 80s,

It had the highest concentration of gang members in Los Angeles,

His parish.

And that's saying something in Los Angeles.

And what he did was just truly remarkable in turning this community around,

In transforming this community.

He really went out into the streets to get to know the gang members.

He would go out on his bicycle and go up and talk to them and get to know all their names and offer many,

Like,

Hey,

Come to the church.

Hey,

Come kick it at the church for a little while,

Maybe thinking,

Well,

At least they can get into a little less damage if they're,

A little less harm if they're in the church,

Hanging out there.

And he would also visit them when they were in juvenile detention.

He would visit them when they were incarcerated in prison.

And then so they would see him,

You know,

In the town when he'd visit them in juvie,

When he'd visit them in prison,

When they'd come back out again.

He was always there for them,

Regardless of their conditions,

Regardless of what was going on.

And he really built a lot of trust with these kids.

They trusted him.

And he discovered that many of them really did want to get out of gang life,

But there was really no path for them to leave.

I mean,

The most basic thing that they needed,

That anyone would need,

Is a job.

And it's really hard to get hired somewhere when you've got a record,

Or if you've got F the World tattooed on your forehead,

As one kid did.

You know,

Imagine that interview at McDonald's,

You know,

With that on their forehead.

So what he did,

He got some funding,

And they took this building,

And they made it into a bakery.

And all of the employees in the bakery were gang members,

Rival gang members,

Working together.

And after this going so successfully,

They then started Homegirl Cafe.

And then they did screen printing,

And they did tattoo removal,

And mental health counseling,

And drug counseling.

He does talk about,

They had a little misstep into plumbing for a while,

Which didn't work out so well.

And as Father Gregory says,

You know,

Who knew that people didn't want ex-gang members coming into their house?

So that didn't quite work so well.

But he really created this thriving organization called Homeboy Industries.

And it is the largest gang intervention program in the world,

And arguably the most successful program in helping gang members come out of gang life and have a path into a new life.

And all of this was possible because he didn't judge them.

He was able to see past their bad behavior,

The tattoos,

The violence,

To see that these were kids that were born into really shitty conditions,

That were all but guaranteed a life of violence and incarceration.

And what he says in his book,

Tattoos on the Heart,

And I just want to read this.

Here is what we seek,

A compassion that can stand in awe at what the poor have to carry,

Rather than stand in judgment at how they carry it.

It doesn't matter where people are from or what they have done.

What matters is that each person is precious and worthy of our love.

And he says,

Because he didn't judge them,

He was able to see the human being that really had a bad luck of the draw for where they were born.

People don't need our judgment.

They need our help in these kinds of situations.

But when we judge them,

We can't even see what they really need.

One of the most extraordinary acts of kindness that we can extend to another human being,

That we can give to another human being,

Is to not judge them.

Nobody needs our judgment.

And it is so easy for us to judge other people,

Especially when people are having difficulties,

When they're having meltdowns at Starbucks or at the airport,

At the grocery store.

It's so easy to judge someone in that situation.

What an idiot,

What a jerk.

The harder thing,

The kinder thing,

Is to look past the behavior,

To look at the person in that moment.

You can see it on their face.

They are struggling.

They are stressed.

They are pushed beyond their limit.

And we know that whatever it was,

The tipping point,

The latte being wrong,

You know,

Whatever the tipping point was there,

That's not the reason they're freaking out.

We know there were more things happening in their lives.

And we know this because we can see it in our own lives.

When we're acting badly,

Right,

Maybe we're a little rude with someone,

We're a little short with someone.

And maybe we're having our own meltdown,

Hopefully in the privacy of our home,

Right?

But we know in that moment,

We're struggling,

We're suffering.

It's not that we dropped the glass.

That's not really why we're upset.

It's just it was the,

It's what tipped us over the edge.

So our task in the kindness of not judging other people is to look past the behavior.

While we will never know the specific causes and conditions of why someone is in a specific situation or why they're acting in a particular way,

We 100% know there are causes and conditions that would explain it.

And that's what we're trying to see.

Because there's typically there's not a lot we can do in these types of situations,

It might be dangerous for us to intervene,

It may not be helpful for us to intervene.

But the kindest thing we can do is be that one person there,

Maybe hopefully one of a few people there that's not judging them,

That sees the person,

That has compassion and empathy,

Understands this person is suffering,

The last thing they need is my judgment.

And you know,

I will admit,

We have a hard time owning up to judging.

We have no problem telling someone when we're stressed,

When we're angry,

When we're worried,

When we're sad,

We have no problem with any of those things.

But we do not like admitting to to people that we judge.

So let's all admit it right now.

I judge,

You judge,

We all judge.

There's lots of judging going on here.

And if in Jared Diamond's book,

Guns,

Germs and Steel,

Kind of a timeline of humanity,

He writes that it was really only up to about 7500 years ago,

That if you came across a stranger,

Particularly a stranger that looked different,

Dressed differently,

Spoke a different language,

There was that person was a threat.

There was a good chance there would be an altercation,

You were judging that person really quickly,

Could they hurt me,

Could they cause me harm.

And of course,

There are situations where we do need to judge as women.

If we find ourselves in a situation walking down the street,

And there's a couple of guys that look menacing walking towards me,

Right,

I'm going to cross the street.

I'm going to try not to judge them,

I'm going to judge the situation,

But I'm going to cross the street.

Right?

So you're judging,

Judging has its place.

And we,

What we are trying to do is bring more awareness to it,

Because we actually are spending so much time judging,

We do not even realize that we are doing it.

Because for every time we have an interaction with someone that's struggling,

That's stressed,

That's overwhelmed,

Like this is happening all over the place.

There are more people stressed and struggling now,

It seems like than ever before.

More people getting pushed beyond their limit than ever before.

And because,

And I know no one here would do it,

But people love to take out their cell phone and videotape someone having their worst moment and put it online and social media or you know,

On some news site or something.

We have a lot of exposure to this,

You know,

We're constantly being seen the we constantly have these images,

Or headlines of someone having a meltdown or a politician having a meltdown or a celebrity having a meltdown,

Right or of now it's the big everyone's everyone's piling on Megan and Harry,

Right?

I mean,

See this,

Right?

How cruel everyone is being because,

Because they live in a mansion,

Because they have royal titles,

It's okay to judge them.

It's okay.

Right?

This is what you know,

So they don't have feelings as though it doesn't hurt them to see this media frenzy piling on top of them.

And if we look at what judging is doing to us,

Feel it,

Right?

When we when we when we're more mindful,

And aware of judging.

And we feel that you can feel like the barbed wire coming around your heart,

Right kind of closing in on your heart,

Closing your heart.

You can feel the aggression in your thoughts,

The anger in in your thoughts towards another human being,

Right?

We have that sense of separation and disconnection.

It feels terrible.

But then the moment that we shine a light of kindness,

Ah,

I'm judging someone,

Then that is not kind,

I want to be kind.

The moment we do that kindness is that powerful.

It just releases us because we're just so unaware that we're doing it.

We're so unaware of how painful it is.

We don't even recognize it.

But the moment that we shine that spotlight of kindness on our judging,

It's like the barbed wire dissolves,

Our heart opens back up again.

And it's like,

Man,

It is much better to have compassion for Megan and Harry,

Than it is to judge them.

It feels way better to have compassion than to judge.

So we can feel the difference ourselves of what it's doing to us.

So our practice,

You know,

The kindness of not judging others,

That's our practice this week.

We're still doing our other practices.

We're not dropping off of random acts of kindness or or self-compassion,

Right?

Self-compassion if we're judging,

Right?

And then don't start judging yourself for judging,

Right?

We're all doing it.

We've just been clear.

We all do it,

Right?

We're not going to judge ourselves for judging.

We're still practicing being kind to our future self.

But we're really making our focus this week,

The kindness of not judging others.

I mean,

This is where we walk the spiritual path,

Right?

This is where we really walk the talk.

And we do,

We have so many opportunities to be aware of when we're judging,

To shine that light of kindness and to release it.

When people are,

Again,

Behaving badly,

Whether we're seeing it on social media,

In the news,

We're seeing it,

We're interacting with people,

You know,

Someone's driving badly,

Parking badly,

Like we judge,

We judge,

We judge,

Right?

How someone's dressed,

We judge,

Like we are so judgmental.

How we judge others that have different views and opinions than us.

I've talked about this in the past,

Because this is a big one where we love to judge someone that has a different view or opinion,

A different ideology than us.

And yet,

Their views and opinions are the result of causes and conditions,

Just like my views and opinions are simply the results of causes and conditions.

A Republican,

A conservative is that way because of causes and conditions.

Someone in South Central LA is a gang member because of causes and conditions.

If you're a Democrat,

Right,

Causes and conditions.

If you're a white supremacist,

Causes and conditions.

And there's a really good TED talk by a former white supremacist,

And he talks about the causes and conditions that led him into this group.

That when he was young,

His parents weren't around very much,

He wasn't supervised,

He didn't have many friends,

He was a bit of a loner.

And he was really targeted by this group.

And they tend to do that they target people,

You know,

Loners,

Just like they do in gangs,

Right?

Because we have this,

We have this need as humans to feel as though we're a part of something,

To feel as though we belong.

And so they brought him in to this white supremacist group,

He finally felt a part of something and he took on this ideology.

And I can't remember,

I'll have to go back and watch it.

But there I can't remember what it was that kind of woke him up and went,

Oh,

Wow,

This,

This is not the way I want to belong.

You know,

Something happened that changed in him another cause and condition that changed.

But,

You know,

We look at people that are racist,

That are misogynist,

That are homophobic,

That are white supremacists,

And or,

You know,

Again,

People that have different views than us,

Like,

I'm not going to vote for a Republican,

Right?

I'm not going to vote for a white supremacist,

I'm not going to do anything to push their views forward,

Of course.

But I'm not going to judge them either.

There but go I for the grace of God could have been me in those conditions.

And what does it do?

How does it help us when we judge each other?

We talk in the in the US,

Even though I live in Mexico,

I still feel very much attached to the US.

And,

You know,

The politics that are dividing the United States right now,

Right,

Becoming so tribal,

Where it's not even that we argue so much on policy is just calling each other names,

You must be horrible,

Because you're conservative,

You must be horrible,

Because you're a liberal.

Right?

But there's no discussion there.

There's no coming together.

And it doesn't mean that we can't be activists,

If you want to be an activist in the political arena.

But don't judge the other person.

Right?

They're more likely to hear you if you don't judge them.

So it really changes things when we,

You know,

Be mindful of things that you're posting,

That you're that you're sharing.

Right?

We don't want to,

Our ideas should be able to be held up to the light on their own,

Not based on someone having a gaffe or saying something stupid or having a fight with someone else or having a down day.

Right?

I mean,

That's,

You know,

I would hope our ideas would held up better than that.

So,

You know,

Really,

You know,

This is really the tough part of kindness.

This is where kindness is really,

You know,

Hitting the pavement here,

And not judging others.

It's where we can take Father Gregory's,

You know,

His extraordinary life,

His extraordinary kindness,

And compassion,

And non judgment,

And emulate it.

And so to remember our practices,

Right,

Our intention,

First thing in the morning,

Hands on our heart,

Have that intention,

Think about,

How can I practice the kindness of not judging today?

Right?

Thinking about some of the instances that we find ourselves in,

We know kind of,

We know our favorite judging spots,

Right?

So imagine them and imagine not judging,

Right?

And then going through the day and acting on it,

Really bringing kindness as the spotlight to judging,

Freeing ourselves from it,

Freeing the other person from our judgment,

Noticing that feeling of connection that comes as soon as we let go of the judging.

And then the last thing at night,

The reflection,

Both hands on our heart,

Really thinking about all of the ways in which I let judging go today.

What a beautiful reflection to just keep going,

I let it go there,

And it feels so good to feel connected.

It feels so good to see that person as another human being,

To be able to look past their story,

To be able to look past what I see now,

Knowing there's a story there,

Because we know there's always a story there.

There's choices and options that were put in front of this person that none of us,

You know,

We would have ended up exactly the same given those conditions.

So we reflect on it,

So that in the next morning we wake up again and we set that intention and we stay connected.

You know,

We really are walking the walk of kindness when we're not judging others.

And I want to just read one more thing from Tattoos on the Heart.

This is Father Gregory Boyle's first book,

He's got three books now,

And I highly recommend,

I know Kimberly,

I think you've read all three,

They're just,

They're fabulous.

After dealing with a particularly exasperating homie named Sharky,

I switch my strategy and decide to catch him in the act of doing the right thing.

I can see I've been too harsh and exacting with him,

And he is,

After all,

Trying the best he can.

I tell him how heroic he is and how the courage he now exhibits in transforming his life far surpasses the hollow bravery of his barrio past.

I tell him that he is a giant among men,

And I mean it.

And Sharky seems to be thrown off balance by all this and silently stares at me.

And then he says,

Damn,

Gee,

I'm going to tattoo that on my heart.

And that's where the title of the book comes from,

Tattoos on the Heart.

You'd never get there if you'd been judging.

Father Gregory would never have gotten to that,

To be able to connect with someone if he had judged them.

He saw the human being,

He saw what they needed,

That they needed to be valued as real human beings.

And this is what everyone around us is begging us for,

Imploring us for.

Please tell me I'm a good person.

Accept me,

Love me.

I'm thinking of that poem by Hethes.

I can't think of the whole thing,

But it's something to the effect of,

Yeah,

Everyone is saying,

Please love me.

Right?

And through the kindness of not judging others,

We can do that.

We can see each other as real human beings with real feelings and concerns and stories that we can't begin to imagine of what others have gone through.

Reviews

I am so grateful I found you, I have been judging and it felt wrong in my body I can now see thank you 🙏🏻

Excellent gravitas and delivery

I don’t have the words for what I feel right now but it’s better than before I listened to your message.
Namaste 🙏 thank you for sharing

Great talk! 👏👏 Being judgemental while on the street is important together with situational awareness

Thanks 👍

Thank you 🙏 I have been trying to forgive someone for years, and this helps