How To Be With Your Pain (With Compassion)

In this dharma talk, we examine our misconceptions about physical and emotional pain on the spiritual path and how to move toward our pain with compassion and kindness. And in this way, easing the suffering of pain by teaching us how to be with it.

Transcript

I wanted to talk tonight about two misconceptions on the spiritual path as it relates to physical pain and emotional pain.

And the first misconception that we have is that the spiritual path is all just love and light and bliss and we should never experience anything unpleasant because surely if we're practicing kindness and trying not to judge others and not to gossip surely everyone is being kind to us and no one is judging us and no one is gossiping about us.

And while on one level we all kind of know it isn't true,

On another level if you look at how we react when we are experiencing something uncomfortable,

Something unpleasant,

We've been hurt,

We're disappointed,

We're irritated,

It really shows what we truly believe that we don't think we should be experiencing this.

That we shouldn't experience pain or discomfort on the spiritual path.

Isn't that the bargain?

What we've all signed up for?

And so in our panic because we shouldn't be experiencing this we start rifling through all our mindfulness practices desperate to get rid of our pain and then what we find is nothing's working.

It's still here.

And so what we've done because we have this wrong view believing that we shouldn't experience pain or anything unpleasant on the spiritual path we end up amplifying and exaggerating and prolonging our suffering instead of decreasing our suffering.

And then the other view,

The other misperception that we have on the spiritual path is that when we are talking about dealing with our pain,

Dealing with our discomfort,

That it's really more about just the kind of everyday suffering or the little suffering,

The self-created suffering that that's all we're really dealing with.

And that the spiritual path really doesn't play a role in helping us deal with really big pain.

When we're sick,

Maybe we've been diagnosed with something and we're afraid.

What's going to happen?

Or maybe someone we love has been diagnosed with something and we're afraid.

What's going to happen to them?

Maybe we've lost someone.

Maybe we're going through a breakup.

Maybe we're getting divorced.

Maybe we've just been fired.

Right?

When something like that happens we tend to think,

Oh no no no no.

The spiritual path doesn't doesn't really work on these type,

This type of pain.

And so because we believe that,

What we do is we abandon the spiritual path and thereby not dealing with our suffering,

Not dealing with our pain in a way that helps us be with it in a more natural,

More kind,

And more caring way.

So let's be clear.

If you have a body,

You will experience pain.

If you interact with other human beings,

You will experience pain.

You cannot avoid it.

It doesn't matter what spiritual path you are on,

You will experience unpleasant conditions.

You will experience pain.

It's part of the package of this human life.

But whether we suffer or not really has to do with how we how we meet how we meet our pain.

Whether we push our pain away and we distract ourselves endlessly or we ignore it,

We numb ourselves,

We'll do anything not to feel the pain increasing our suffering.

Or do we move towards our pain in a kind and caring and compassionate way that allows the pain to move through us naturally,

The way it is meant to move through us.

Experiencing pain is a normal part of the human condition.

We're not trying to be robots.

We're not trying to be psychopaths,

Where we don't have any emotions,

Where we don't feel anything anymore.

And in fact,

I would suggest that if we are unable to be with our own pain,

We're less compassionate.

Because how can I be with your pain if I can't even be with my own pain?

So there's a lot of downside to not being with our pain.

Least of all,

We suffer.

We suffer when we don't know how to be with it.

So I want to talk tonight about how to really be,

And of course,

This really applies to the big pain.

It applies to your middle pain,

Your medium pain,

Your little pain.

It applies to everything.

But the practice that I want to give you is really something that I would suggest when you're experiencing big pain.

But the principles are all still there.

And you can pick up this practice at any point,

Depending upon just how overwhelmed you are in your pain.

So the first thing that we have to do,

Of course,

If we're in pain,

If we're suffering,

Is we have to acknowledge it.

This is part of our mindfulness practice,

To acknowledge when we're suffering,

To say,

Oh,

This is suffering.

This is painful.

Or I'm in pain.

I'm suffering.

Not,

Oh my God,

I'm suffering,

And like a clinging to our suffering and pain.

But,

Oh my God,

I'm suffering.

That's what's going on right now.

That's mindfulness,

Acknowledging what our experience is in this moment without judging it,

Without pushing it away,

But just like,

Wow,

This is,

I'm suffering right now.

And just in that acknowledgement,

It gives us enough room,

A little bit of space to say,

Ah,

I got to do something about this now.

I'm not so lost in my suffering,

In my pain.

By the acknowledgement of it,

I can kind of start to see,

Oh man,

Something's going on here.

I need to investigate this.

And this is where we move towards our pain.

And by that,

I mean,

Feeling our pain in the body.

This is the hardest part for us because we are a,

We are a thinking type people.

We think about everything.

We think about our pain.

We tell ourselves endless stories about our pain.

We have become very disembodied.

We don't know how to even feel pain anymore.

The physical sensations of pain,

Emotional or physical pain,

We don't know how to feel the physical sensations.

And inevitably,

If I'm working with someone and I ask them then,

Well,

Tell me where you're feeling your pain and tell me how it feels physically.

How does it feel?

What are the physical sensations?

Nine out of 10 times,

Nine out of 10 times.

The first answer is it's everywhere,

Right?

It's just,

It's everywhere.

And then the next responses are,

I feel nauseous.

I feel sick.

I feel overwhelmed.

I'm afraid.

That's a story about the physical sensations.

That's not feeling the physical sensations,

But that's what we think when we're asked to describe it,

Right?

To describe the physical sensations.

We just,

We go right up into the story about it.

So,

And I want to have you guys do this with me.

This isn't going to be our proper meditation for today,

But I do want to walk you through this real time.

So I'm going to ask you guys to close your eyes.

And I do want you to think about something that happened to you in the last few days that was disappointing.

You felt a little hurt,

Maybe angry.

You didn't feel like you were being recognized or heard.

Doesn't have to be anything too big.

Let's take a moment to find that memory.

And now looking in your body,

Where specifically are you feeling that?

So scan from the crown of your head down to your feet,

Really looking for where are you feeling some physical discomfort right now?

Because whenever we're thinking about something unpleasant,

There is always a physical reaction as well.

And so bring your attention to where you feel the physical discomfort.

And it may not be a big physical discomfort right now,

But just bring your attention there.

And you can ask yourself on a scale of one to 10,

How painful is the actual physical sensation?

And the reason that I asked this early on is because just that getting off of the story and just really coming into the physical sensations,

What we would have said was a 10 when we're lost in the story,

Tends to usually drop down to a nine or an eight.

And then we can ask ourselves,

Is it a heavy pressure?

Is it a medium pressure?

Is it a light pressure?

Is it throbbing?

Is it tingly?

Is there a shape to it?

Is it kind of flat?

Is it round?

Is it like a grapefruit,

A football?

Is the energy moving around?

And the more that you explore it,

Notice how it is changing.

It's not staying the same now that you're observing it.

And again,

There's probably not going to be too big of a difference on the example we're using tonight.

But if you were to ask yourself at this point on a scale of one to 10,

How painful is it?

What you'd probably find is it's less painful when you actually come towards the physical sensations.

Because what we do when we come to it this way is we dislocate the story from the pain.

The story is far more painful than the physical sensations.

And now it's more manageable.

And so keeping your attention on that area,

Wherever you are feeling the physical sensations,

Breathe into it.

Breathe some space.

Welcome this energy.

Some of you will recognize this practice.

We've done this before.

Creating some space and even saying,

It's okay that you hear pain.

I care about your pain.

And as you breathe and create space for that physical sensation,

For the energy to be there,

Notice you're starting to feel a little more relaxed around it.

You can go ahead and open your eyes now.

Now if we're experiencing really,

Really,

Okay,

Maybe we've been diagnosed with something and we're really afraid.

And that pain comes on in a way,

Right?

When we get to the end of this exercise,

It's probably still around three or four.

It probably hasn't completely gone away.

But at least we can be with it in a way that isn't overwhelming us.

Because everything is impermanent and pain included.

It arises and it passes away.

And sure,

It comes back again.

But if we're there with it,

We're not allowing it to overwhelm us.

Even in physical pain,

Even in chronic physical pain,

The intensity is still impermanent.

We have those moments where it gets really,

Really tough and then it backs off.

But we never notice it backing off.

As we're in the story of the pain,

I can't take it.

I can't take one more day of this.

And this is the problem with the story of the pain.

The story prevents us from being with the pain more directly.

Not getting so afraid of it.

Not exaggerating it.

Not amplifying it.

But it's also the story that throws us over the ledge.

The story of how am I going to handle this later?

How am I going to handle this next week,

Next year?

That's what pushes us over the edge every time.

We can handle it in this moment.

It's the fear of how will I handle it in the next moment.

But in the absence of the story,

When we're with the actual physical sensations of our hurt,

Of our fear,

Of our sadness,

Of our grief,

That we are meant to experience these things,

We allow it to move through it the way it was intended to move through us.

Don't get stuck.

But we know in our society,

You look around and this is,

Everyone is walking around in pain.

Holding on to pain.

Distracting.

Keeping themselves busy.

Numbing themselves.

Avoiding it.

Anything but feeling their actual pain.

Eckhart Tolle calls this the pain body.

Yeah,

Everyone,

There are so many pain bodies walking around because we don't know how to be with the actual pain.

We're with the story,

Not the pain.

And the more that we follow that strategy of just stuffing the pain down,

Ignoring the pain,

Numbing ourselves out against the pain.

Problem is,

It's not that we really make the pain go away.

It'll come out,

Usually in an explosive way that really overwhelms us,

That really frightens us.

And so naturally we go back to thinking,

Well,

I don't want to feel that again.

That was awful.

I better really distract myself this time.

I better really numb myself out this time because I don't want to feel that again.

So when we come to the physical pain,

The physical sensations,

And welcome them,

I mean,

They're here anyway,

Right?

It's just we're kind of holding on for dear life,

Trying to stuff it down.

We're not really pushing it away,

Right?

But instead welcoming it,

Completely changing our relationship to it,

Accepting it is a normal part of life,

Regardless of your spiritual path,

Whichever,

A Buddhist,

A Hindu,

A Christian,

You're following law of attraction.

Everyone experiences pain.

It's normal for us to experience pain,

But we need to change our relationship to it so it doesn't overwhelm us every time.

So we don't fear feeling pain.

It's a normal part of life.

Nothing's wrong if we're feeling pain,

Right?

If you got a pain,

An ache in your back,

Or someone,

If someone,

If someone is unkind to you,

You should feel hurt,

Right?

That is a normal response.

You know who doesn't feel hurt?

A psychopath.

They don't feel hurt.

That's not who we're trying to be,

Right?

So again,

When we talk about the self-created suffering,

That's when we keep carrying it around with us,

Where we keep talking about it.

They said something painful to us a week ago,

And we're still repeating it in our head because we weren't with the hurt.

Instead,

Be with the hurt.

Oh,

That hurt,

That stung.

That was painful,

Right?

And be with it,

Allowing the pain to move through us so it doesn't get stuck,

And so that the next time when it happens,

We know how to come to our pain in a kind and caring and compassionate way,

Allowing it to move through us.

And again,

We can be more compassionate with others if we can be with our own pain as well,

And we can help others to be with their pain as well,

Working with this process,

Helping them to come into their body and feel it,

Allowing it to move through us.

We carry around so much baggage,

So much baggage and pain.

We've got to deal with it.

We've got to come towards it.

It changes everything for us.

But a big part of this for us is that we have completely disconnected from our bodies.

We just do not know how to feel in our bodies anymore.

We are just constantly lost in our thoughts.

So if we want to change that,

We've got to come back into the body.

We've got to get the mind and the body more connected in a kind and caring and compassionate way,

Knowing what to do,

How to meet it in a way that doesn't overwhelm us.

I mean,

That's how we don't fear pain anymore.

The story is always 10 times worse than the actual physical sensations.

And when we start to recognize that,

It's the story that is causing the suffering.

Pain is inevitable.

Suffering is optional.

The suffering is the story that we layer on top of ourselves about why it shouldn't be happening,

Why I can't take this anymore,

Why that person is so horrible because they said this to me.

Right?

So being with our pain,

Coming towards our pain with kindness,

Compassion,

Care,

Being with it in the present moment,

That is how we let it move through us naturally.

And it's how we're free.

Right?

So we don't fear when something difficult comes up because we know I can handle this.

I know how to deal with this.

Reviews

Meredith is a brilliant teacher and a very authentic. I feel a little more enlighten after Iistenimg to her dharma talks. They always remind me to stay present.

Helpful, thank you— going through divorce and sometimes so overwhelmed by fear. Locating it in my body and trying to care for that pain feels very grounding…🙏🏽🙏🏽❤️❤️

this reminds me so much of Cynthia Bourgealt’s, the welcoming practice. Which has been a regular part of my meditation for many years. You captured her welcoming practice perfectly. ✨♥️🦋🌹🙏🕊️🌈🪷✨