Finding Joy In The Life You Have

In this Dharma talk, we explore how the story of 'Welcome to Holland' offers a powerful metaphor for embracing life's unexpected detours. We explore the pitfalls of comparison and the importance of appreciating the life we have rather than longing for someone else’s. By shifting our focus from external conditions to internal gratitude, we can find deeper joy, contentment, and connection in every moment.

Transcript

I'd like to start our talk today with an essay written by Emily Pearl Kingsley called Welcome to Holland.

And while she wrote this essay to help others understand what it's like to have a child with special needs,

I think the metaphor can also resonate on a broader level.

It's about how we deal with the unexpected detours in life and how we come to find beauty in where we are,

Even if it wasn't what we envisioned.

And while I won't read the whole essay,

I'll paraphrase it for us,

I just want to give us enough of a sense of a story to remember to help us,

Because we tend to remember the teachings when we remember the story.

So it starts out with the similarities between planning to have a baby and planning a great trip to Italy.

So while planning your trip to Italy,

You're thinking about all the sights you're going to see,

You're buying different guidebooks,

You're learning a new language,

Some new words.

And then after months of anticipating this big trip,

The day finally arrives.

Your bags are packed,

You board the plane,

You settle in for a long flight.

And when the plane finally touches down,

The flight attendant gets on the speaker and says,

Welcome to Holland.

And you're thinking,

Holland?

I'm supposed to be in Italy.

So after some initial protests,

The reality sets in that you are in Holland.

And there you must stay.

So you set out and you buy some new guidebooks,

You learn some new words,

And you meet a whole group of people that you would have never met if you weren't in Holland.

And sure,

Holland is a little slower paced than Italy.

It's a little less flashy.

But after a while of being there,

You look around and you realize Holland is beautiful.

It's got amazing canals and lakes,

Beautiful fields and windmills and tulips.

But everyone around you is coming and going from Italy.

And they keep telling you how amazing Italy is.

And there's that little pang of a regret.

Because every time you hear this,

You think I know it was my dream to go to Italy.

Until you realize,

If you don't let go of wanting to go to Italy,

You will never enjoy being in Holland.

And I really think we can relate to this story on so many levels.

Because for many of us,

Our lives didn't end up where we thought they were going to.

Not that they ended up in a bad place.

Just not what we thought.

And there can be this sense,

This backdrop that we carry around for so much of our lives,

That I'm not living the life I was supposed to live.

That I'm supposed to be in Italy.

And every time we look up,

It feels as though everyone is coming and going from Italy.

And they're telling us how fantastic it is.

And we're seeing all the images of how amazing everyone else's lives look.

We see the photographs,

The posts about their great holidays,

Their wins,

Their triumphs.

And we think,

In comparison,

Our lives seem pretty dull.

That not only am I not living the life I was supposed to be living,

Everyone else is living it instead.

So what happens is we end up comparing our lives to everyone else's.

And we end up putting our low-light reel against everyone else's highlight reel.

And we imagine their highlight reel is the whole reel.

And it's no wonder we end up feeling bad when we're comparing our lives so unrealistically.

And yet,

We think we are comparing honestly.

In that comparing mind state,

We genuinely believe that if only I had their conditions,

I would be so happy.

If I just had the good children instead of the problem children,

I would be so happy.

If I had just decided to have the career instead of having kids,

I'd be so happy.

If I just had kids instead of having the career,

I'd be so happy.

Because every time we see these images and we hear about all the great moments,

We start to believe that there is this magic formula for a utopian lifestyle where life is always perfect.

It's always joyous.

It's always exciting.

And that somehow everyone else got this right except for me.

But every lifestyle has ups and downs,

Highs and lows,

Pluses and minuses.

There's being married highs and there's being married challenges.

And there's being single highs.

And there's being single challenges.

There's having kids highs.

There's having kids challenges.

There's having no kids highs.

And there's having no kids challenges.

There's working in an office highs.

And there's working in an office challenges.

There's working from home highs.

And there are working from home challenges.

The point is that every time we compare our lives,

We conveniently forget with every lifestyle,

There are both highs and lows,

Exciting moments and boring moments.

There are always trade-offs.

There is no magical utopian lifestyle that only has highs and never lows.

That does not exist.

So we have to remember how easily we get pulled into those highlight reels to remember that is not the whole picture.

You're seeing one part of someone else's life,

The best part,

Not the whole thing.

And it's not just the comparing the outer circumstances of how exciting everyone else's lives look.

It's that we discount our internal experience against others as well.

That when we see someone looking so happy in the images,

On the screens,

On the TV,

In the magazine,

We start to think that our happy moments just aren't as big.

That somehow we're getting a reduced version of happiness.

That our happiness is the generic version and everyone else is getting the name brand.

But it doesn't matter if you are in Italy or Holland,

Sipping champagne on a boat,

Or hanging out with a good friend at a cafe.

When you are smiling and laughing,

The happiness you are experiencing is no different than the happiness others are experiencing.

It's happiness and it feels good.

We're not getting a lesser version of happiness because that moment wasn't photographed and put on the cover of a magazine or posted somewhere.

It's still happiness.

Good old-fashioned happiness.

And just as happiness is happiness,

We are not getting lesser versions of meaning or connection either.

And yet that's exactly what we think when we see the aid worker being highlighted on the news.

We see the good work they're doing.

They're helping the poor.

They're getting clean water and medicine.

And we imagine their experience of meaning is different than ours.

That somehow it's fuller than our experience of meaning.

And yet,

Whenever we open our heart to another being through kindness,

Through generosity,

Compassion,

What we feel in our hearts,

What we are touching in our hearts is no different than what the aid worker feels.

It's the same feeling.

And in that moment of connection,

Of meaning,

You would never compare that feeling to someone else's experience.

You know how profound it is in the moment.

It's later that we start discounting it.

When we're bored,

We're stressed,

Or we're just doing some mundane activity,

That we look at everyone else's lives.

They're highlight reels.

We see how happy and full of meaning their lives look.

And so any moments of happiness and meaning in our lives are quickly discounted.

Because look at them.

I'm not in Africa helping the poor.

I'm not on a boat in Italy.

I'm just going about my life,

Paying my bills,

Running errands,

Maybe sitting on my sofa,

Just staring at a screen.

And in that moment,

We feel as though our lives are completely devoid of meaning and happiness,

That we never experience happiness or connection.

And we 100% believe that that's true.

Because of course,

We're forgetting that even the people on the boat get tired after a while.

They want to go home and put their feet up,

That they're thinking about all the things they need to do the next day.

And maybe they just want to veg out in front of a screen for a while.

And we forget that the aid worker in Africa,

While doing meaningful work,

Has many moments when they get tired,

When they get frustrated,

Or bored.

Nobody's life is a continuous straight line of meaning and happiness.

We all experience highs,

And we all experience lows.

We all experience moments of excitement,

And we experience mundane moments.

And we all experience meaning and connection and joy,

Just not continuously.

It doesn't matter who you are,

How much money you have,

Or how many followers you have on Instagram.

This is the experience of all human beings.

So even though we do have different experiences in the external world,

The different exterior experiences,

The internal experiences of joy,

Of happiness,

Of meaning and connection,

Are all the same.

No one has a lock on getting more of this because of their lifestyle.

In fact,

What determines having more happiness,

More joy,

More meaning in our lives,

Has little to do with external conditions.

It's whether we appreciate the lives we have,

Not comparing our lives to others,

But appreciating the life we have.

Because the life is the only one we have.

And there are so many moments of joy and meaning that we simply miss in our lives,

Because we are lost in our thoughts of comparing,

Of wanting to be somewhere else,

Of wishing things had gone differently,

Of waiting for the right conditions to be happy,

Instead of appreciating what is here right now.

Because if we don't appreciate our lives,

We're not present.

And we're not here for all the moments of connection that are here.

Like when we're with our family,

Our friends,

Our pets,

When we're surrounded by those we love,

And those that love us.

In those moments of laughter and comfort,

Appreciating how special that is,

The connection that's there.

When we are present for our lives,

We can pause and recognize the feeling of connection and embrace what is right here.

And for all those moments of connection and meaning,

Through little acts of kindness,

When you let someone go ahead of you in line,

You hold the door for someone,

You smile at a stranger,

You give them a compliment.

Those moments touch something in us.

They open our hearts.

So we can pause and feel that connection in our hearts.

Savoring the feeling of connection,

Remembering,

Appreciating our lives is what matters most.

Not endlessly comparing ourselves to everyone else,

But even seeing the irony in that.

Because this is what everyone is doing.

So whoever you are comparing yourself to,

Is no doubt comparing themselves to someone else.

We all have this tendency to think the grass is greener over there.

That it's better to be in Italy than in Holland.

That somehow there are no long lines in Italy,

No boring moments,

No challenges.

That is not reality.

And believing that false narrative is not bringing us happiness.

So our task is to be aware of the comparing tendency,

The wishing our lives were different,

Getting lost in the regrets of what could have been.

Not to judge ourselves for having these thoughts.

This is just the conditioning of the world we live in.

Everyone is doing this.

But instead,

To start breaking the habit.

To be mindful of the comparing or the regretful thoughts when they arise.

To pull our attention away from the comparing thoughts with mindfulness.

And to breathe into the physical sensations instead.

Using the breath to bring us back into the present moment.

And out of the lie that someone else's life is better than mine.

That somehow they are happier.

That their lives have more meaning.

Our job is to break the comparing mindset.

To start appreciating the lives that we have.

To find the moments of connection,

Of beauty,

And joy,

And meaning that are all here when we're here.

And in the words of the poet Mary Davis,

The more grateful I am,

The more beauty I see.

So the question I want to leave with you today is,

What are you grateful for in your life right now?

Namaste.

Reviews

Thanks Meredith! I will remember this story next time I catch my mind drifting away from gratitude to comparison. Really appreciate your teachings🙏

This was so beautiful brought tears to my eyes! The first poem I read when I got my son’s Down syndrome diagnosis was Welcome to Holland! Your connecting this beautiful poem to the message of gratitude is just perfect! Thank you 🙏!

I am grateful for this breast cancer that is teaching me to be more compassionate to others about their emotional capabilities and limitations

Thank you for that inspiring talk to truly be present and grateful for the gift of this lifetime. 🙏🏽

beautifully said 💕 i’m grateful for you. i’m grateful you use a low toned bell. im grateful i found your talks and teachings. i’m grateful i have a nice phone to log into insight timer. I’m grateful for another peaceful day . namaste 🙏