Ensuring Your Kindness is Rooted in Wisdom

Many people fear being too kind because they might turn into wimps, people-pleasers and allow people to walk all over them. This concern is valid if your kindness practice is not rooted in wisdom. In this class, we look at what genuine wise kindness looks like, how to keep your practice strong and sustainable.

Transcript

And we have been trying to make kindness very applicable and practical for us in our everyday lives as well,

Focusing on kindness practices for the last five weeks.

We've got two more weeks of kindness practices.

So we are a little more than halfway through our kindness practices.

And I want to address one of the fears that people have around kindness,

That if we practice too much kindness that we will turn into wimps,

That we'll be pushovers,

That we will turn into people pleasers.

And that is a very valid concern.

If our kindness is not rooted in wisdom,

Because kindness rooted in wisdom is a strong practice,

It's a sustainable practice,

If people are taking advantage of us,

They're being unkind,

They're behaving inappropriately,

And while we're not judging them,

Right,

We talked about that last week,

We don't want to judge people's behavior because everyone's got a story,

Everyone's walking their own path,

But we also don't want to allow that behavior to continue either.

And if we do allow it to continue,

Then our kindness is going to run out really quickly,

And our kindness is going to turn into resentment and judgment,

Which isn't very kind.

So I want to make sure in today's class for our fifth kindness practice that we are understanding what kindness rooted in wisdom looks like,

What it really is,

And what it looks like is having boundaries.

We have to have boundaries to be able to practice kindness,

Because boundaries are integral to our well-being,

And our well-being is integral to being able to practice kindness.

And if we can practice kindness,

That contributes to our well-being.

So you can see it's really,

Really linked together.

So kindness does not mean that we cannot say something to someone if they're treating us inappropriately,

If we're uncomfortable with how someone's treating us,

Having conversations,

Types of conversations that we don't want to be having,

Letting people take advantage of us,

Or people are taking advantage of us.

It is not,

You know,

We have this fear that we're being unkind if we say something to someone because they're behaving inappropriately with us.

And we think that,

Well,

I'm doing the kinder thing by not saying something,

When in reality what's happening is we're just having all these thoughts in our head about how irritated we are with this person,

Because they're not stopping the behavior,

Because we haven't said anything to them,

So they assume it must be okay.

So the behavior is continuing on,

But in our minds we're getting very resentful,

We're getting very judgmental,

We're getting very angry.

The opposite of kindness.

This is what it's doing to us by not saying something to someone.

And I have an example from back in 2016.

I was down here in Mexico just visiting,

And I had driven my RV down here,

And I was on the beach and talking to my neighbor,

Who I'd kind of gotten to know a little bit.

And this was right after the 2016 elections in the U.

S.

,

The presidential elections.

And I'm a Democrat,

I was pretty devastated by what had happened,

And I was talking with my neighbor about it,

Probably not being particularly kind about Trump at that moment,

Not one of my finest moments,

But I was pretty sure that he was a Democrat as well.

And so I was just talking with him about it.

I probably got 30 seconds into it,

And he said,

Stop.

Merida,

I really like you,

But we disagree on politics,

So let's talk about something else.

And I was,

Of course,

I was kind of floored,

Mostly I was floored,

Because I was so shocked,

I really thought he was a Democrat.

But then I was really grateful,

Like,

Thank you for doing that.

Thank you for letting me know before I carried on too much and kept talking in a way that was creating a wedge between us that would have really affected our friendship.

And I was going to be camped there all season next to him.

I mean,

It would have been really awkward for the rest of the season if I had continued on and he didn't say anything,

And just he kept distancing himself from me and just didn't want to be around me,

And I don't know why.

The kindest thing to do was to say something to me,

To let me know.

And I love the way he started it with,

I really like you,

But we don't agree on this.

So being kind does not mean we can't say something to someone.

It doesn't mean that we can't speak up for ourselves if someone's taking advantage of us.

It's important that we do this,

Because if we don't,

We are actually not honoring our kindness practice.

It is turning us into someone that we do not want to be.

So the wisdom of kindness would say,

Say something.

Say it kindly,

Say it firmly,

Say it assertively,

Right?

But really make sure that if you don't tell someone that they're treating you inappropriately,

That we understand,

They're not going to know,

And the behavior is going to continue.

So it's not kind to not say something.

And kindness is also knowing when to say no to something.

And I'm not suggesting just a,

Of course we can say no for a social engagement,

Something we don't want to do along those lines,

But we think if someone's asking us for help,

I always have to say yes if I'm being a kind person.

But maybe you've got a pretty busy week,

You've got a big project,

You've got a big presentation at work,

Something's going on.

Maybe you are just a little bit pushed beyond your skis,

You're a little bit beyond your limit,

Or you recognize,

If I do this,

I am going to get pushed beyond my limit,

And I don't want to do that,

That's not wise.

That's not wisely practicing kindness.

The best thing for me to do in this situation would be to say no.

I'm sorry,

I can't do it this week.

I could do it next week,

Or I could do it another time,

But I can't do it this week.

I'm so sorry,

But I need to honor,

I need to honor,

Like our limitations,

Our limitations when it comes to the amount of energy we have,

The amount of time we have in our schedule,

That if we don't,

Our kindness is not sustainable.

It will run out very quickly.

And I can remember the first time I went to a Buddhist center,

A Tibetan Buddhist center,

The first Dharma talk I ever heard was on a teaching,

A very prominent teaching in Tibetan Buddhism,

The benefits of cherishing others,

Kindness.

And as the teacher was talking about how when we focus on ourselves,

When we're thinking about ourselves,

We're suffering,

Typically in that ego mind,

Right,

We're suffering.

And when we focus on other people,

We're really happy,

It feels joyful,

It feels really good to be kind to other people.

And I thought,

Great,

Because I know I'm thinking about myself a lot and I am suffering.

That's why I'm here.

And so I'm just going to go out and I'm going to be kind to everyone,

I'm going to cherish everyone,

And it's just going to be amazing.

Like I just had to go to one Buddhist talk and I'm done.

This is fantastic.

And that lasted for,

Sadly,

Probably a couple of days.

It didn't last long before I peered out.

I was saying yes to everything.

I was just focusing on everyone else and I wasn't giving any consideration to my needs,

My energy,

How tired I was,

How stressed I was.

There was no wisdom in that kindness,

Which is why I kept going to the Buddhist center to get the wisdom part.

I needed to make sure that it was a balanced type of kindness because we are no good to people if we just say yes to everything and we burn ourselves out.

It doesn't help us.

It doesn't help sustain our kindness practice.

It doesn't help keep our hearts open.

And we also have to make sure that in kindness,

The wisdom of kindness,

That we're not enabling people because often in kindness we can do that.

If we're trying to help someone,

They're trying to lift themselves up,

They're trying to get their life together in some way,

Get a job,

Go to the gym,

Start meditating,

Whatever it is that they're trying to do,

That we don't go in and do it all for them.

And sometimes that's what kindness looks like.

We want to be so kind.

We want to be so helpful that we take over instead of empowering this person,

Helping them by empowering them.

That when someone's asking for our help in that situation,

To make sure that we keep them in the driver's seat.

Sure,

We'll give directions,

Right?

And we're happy to,

Right?

As long as we're feeling good,

As long as our energy levels are good,

Right?

Taking care of ourselves first.

But we let them stay in the driver's seat,

That we don't enable them.

And especially that we're not enabling bad behavior either,

Right?

If someone's got a problem with gambling or shopping or adultery or alcohol and drugs or money,

That we're not in some way making excuses for them,

That we're not helping them hide their behavior in the guise of I'm being kind,

I'm helping them out here.

That's not kind either.

There's no wisdom in that kindness.

We've got to be really clear.

We are practicing kindness rooted in wisdom.

And a few years ago when I was teaching,

I used to teach at a yoga retreat center down here.

And one summer we had a new teacher come on board.

And it was mostly yoga that was taught there.

I was the only one that taught meditation,

But this woman did teach meditation as well.

And maybe two weeks after she'd started teaching,

She reached out to see if I could cover one of her classes.

And I was like,

Sure,

No problem.

She was going to the Pacific side with her sister.

And I was like,

Yeah,

No problem,

I'm happy to do that.

And then two weeks later,

Again,

She reaches out,

Can you cover one of my classes?

And again,

It was something,

She was going off to do something fun.

And like,

No problem,

Like,

Okay,

Yeah,

I can cover it again,

That's fine.

But then literally,

It was two weeks later again,

And she asked again,

Can you cover one of my classes?

And because I was the only other meditation teacher,

I was the only one that could cover those classes for her.

And on the third time I said,

No,

I can't cover your class.

I mean,

I could,

I did actually have the time to be able to go and do it.

But I was enabling her.

She had come to this yoga resort and said she wanted to teach classes.

So be responsible,

Teach your classes.

And I was enabling her at that point,

And it took me a couple times to figure that out.

But when I did,

I was like,

No,

I'm not going to enable you anymore.

I'm not going to judge you for it either,

Right?

Because I don't want to create any bitterness.

She was a really nice young woman,

Super nice.

I didn't want to judge her for this.

I didn't want any bitterness or resentment between us.

But I also didn't want to enable that behavior.

So by saying no there,

By recognizing I was enabling her,

I was no longer being wisely kind.

I was able to maintain a friendship with her,

To maintain a relationship,

To not have bitterness in my heart,

But to also teach her,

Like,

You've got to,

If you've signed up to do something,

Like I'm willing to help you out occasionally,

But you got to follow through on it.

You got to be responsible.

And if I kept doing that for her,

She would have thought,

Well,

I can just get away with this.

I can keep doing this.

She wasn't learning anything.

I actually wasn't being kind or helpful in that situation.

So in our practice,

In our fifth week of our kindness series,

We want to practice the wisdom of kindness.

We want to make sure that our kindness really is rooted in wisdom,

That we're not enabling others,

That we even just take that pause for a moment,

Just stop and think,

Am I helping or am I enabling?

Like,

Am I empowering or am I enabling?

Like,

Really just to take that pause,

Because sometimes it gets a little confusing,

Right?

We don't realize where that line,

Where we cross over,

And just pausing and asking that can really make sure that we are practicing genuine kindness,

Genuine kindness rooted in wisdom.

And we want to make sure that we aren't hiding behind kindness and not speaking up for ourselves.

If someone is not treating us in a way that is appropriate,

That is in some way creating resentment or anger or judgment in our mind,

We need to say something.

If we don't say something,

We are no longer practicing kindness.

What we are practicing is judging and resentment and anger,

Not the practice we want to be doing.

That's the danger there,

That our practice becomes something else.

And we want to make sure that we're not overcommitting ourselves,

That we're not imagining that in kindness,

I have to say yes to everything.

You don't.

There is no wisdom in that.

We want to make this a sustainable practice.

But we also have to recognize there are times when we can't do something.

We're not superhuman,

Right?

And it's important for us to recognize that our needs are being met as well,

That you have time for yourself,

That you have that downtime that you need,

Or that if it's your time to go to your yoga class or your meditation class or your dharma talk,

Or to just sit and read a book in the backyard,

Right?

To take a bath.

That's important too.

You need that time.

If you are wisely practicing kindness,

It needs to be sustainable.

And so your needs are very important as well.

If you need to just turn your phone off and put it on do not disturb,

Right?

That is being very kindly,

Wisely kind to yourself so that you can continue with your kindness practice.

And so for those of you that have been following along and all the other previous classes that by the way are up on Insight Timer,

Our first,

You know,

We're practicing all the other practices,

Random acts of kindness,

Self-compassion,

Kindness to our future self,

The kindness of not judging others.

We are still practicing all the other types of kindness,

But I want the wisdom of kindness this week to be our main focus.

So we think of it like we've got a big circle in the middle,

What are our primary practices this week,

But we've still got the other circles around on the spokes.

So we're still practicing those and really applying wisdom of kindness to those practices.

And as we practice,

We do the intention,

Action and reflection to keep this as a daily practice.

That the first thing we do in the morning when we open our eyes,

Putting our hands over our heart and having that intention of kindness.

So this week really focusing on the intention of practicing kindness wisely,

Which doesn't quite have those fuzzy warm feelings as maybe some of the other kindness practices.

And yet this is the glue that holds our kindness practice together.

It protects our kindness practice.

So really thinking about if I'm practicing kindness wisely,

Then it means I need to be able to tell someone if they're acting inappropriately,

I need to be able to talk to them about it.

I need to tell them what I need,

Or what is not acceptable,

Because that is the kindest thing to do.

Otherwise I will become resentful.

Or to think about,

I need to be able to say no.

That is kind in saying no sometimes.

Sometimes that's the right response.

Just by saying those things to ourselves,

Having that intention,

Is a reminder.

Yes,

This is the wisdom of kindness.

We're not turning into people pleasers.

We're not turning into wimps.

Kindness is fierce.

Kindness is strong.

And this is how we make our kindness practice strong.

How we keep it strong.

And just checking in and in wisely being kind,

What do I need today?

What do I need today to be my best so I can continue my kindness practice?

Because we never want to forget that kindness to ourselves.

And even just pausing and thinking,

And as I'm practicing kindness,

To make sure I'm not enabling.

That I'm either empowering or helping in some way.

That I'm truly being kind.

And just having that intention,

Just remembering those points in your mind,

Kind of gives you the fortitude that we need to really practice our kindness rooted in wisdom.

So as you go about your day,

And you're then doing the actions of kindness,

There might be in the back of your mind,

Oh,

Maybe I won't stop and help them with this.

Maybe the kinder thing to do,

Depending upon the situation,

Might be to let that person do it themselves.

There's so much wisdom in that.

And being able to sit back sometimes and say,

I think the kinder thing right now would be to let them do it themselves,

Rather than just jump in and take over.

And it feels good to know,

Wow,

I didn't have to overtly push my kindness on them in an external way,

But I was actually being wisely kind instead.

So we have the actions throughout the day,

And then we have the reflections.

And there may not be as much to reflect on as the other practices that we've had.

But just taking a moment to really savor those times that you did practice kindness with wisdom.

Where you were really pausing for a moment and making sure,

Is my kindness practice rooted in wisdom?

Because this is the way that I protect my practice.

This is the way that I make sure that my kindness practice is sustainable.

And it doesn't turn into a resentment practice.

That is what's most important for our kindness practice.