Dealing With Our Challenges Skillfully

In this excerpt from our Weekly Sangha on Insight Timer, we looked at how to skillfully be with our difficult situations, difficult people -- the challenges that we all face in life. It's not about not having fear any longer or anxiety or sadness, it's about learning how to be with our unpleasant emotions so that we grow.

Transcript

Everyone has challenges.

No one is without challenges in our lives.

Difficult people,

Difficult situations,

Feeling sick,

Or even just some people have a little bit,

You know,

Just there's some residual anxiety left over from something in our bodies.

Um,

So everyone's facing something.

No one is without that.

And it is in those times where I think our greatest lessons can come from,

Because we so fight back on anything unpleasant,

Especially on spiritual path.

We get this idea in our heads that I'm,

I'm more spiritual now,

And I should only experience good conditions.

And that's not reality.

I mean,

I think the reality is most of us do experience,

Relatively speaking,

For a lot of the people on the planet,

Really good conditions.

A lot of our suffering is just self-created suffering.

So you could even argue to say,

Yes,

We actually do experience a lot of pleasant conditions.

But we still,

Even then we get sick,

Or we hurt ourselves,

Our knee gets hurt,

We stub our toe.

Right?

We can't avoid the unpleasant parts of life,

But it's our pushing back on it,

Even with anxiety,

Right?

Anxiety or feeling depression,

Feeling sadness,

Feeling grief,

Where those emotions are very,

Very heavy,

Just to,

You know,

To be with,

Okay,

This is what's arising,

It's not going to last.

It's not going to last.

I don't have to make any story out of this.

Oh,

What do they think about this?

You know,

Or,

Or just if you're feeling anxious,

Oh,

No,

I'm a spiritual person,

I shouldn't feel anxious,

Or I shouldn't have to deal with these situations.

In any way that we're pushing back,

We are making the suffering last longer.

In fact,

That's where we're creating suffering,

Right,

In the pushing back.

Instead of just acknowledging,

Yeah,

This is what's going on.

You know,

It's the teaching of the two arrows.

Buddha tells the story of someone,

You get hit with an arrow.

And that's the first arrow was life,

Right?

It's life on this planet.

People are difficult,

They're unkind.

I mean,

Most people are not,

But we all get the difficult,

Unkind person every now and then.

We get sick,

The body breaks down,

We lose someone.

You know,

That's first arrow,

Everyone gets this,

Right?

The second arrow is the one that we put in when we push back on it.

It's like we've already got the first arrow,

Why stick another arrow in our back?

We've already got the first arrow,

We don't have to push back on it,

It's just part of life.

To breathe and feel it,

Right?

To be kind to ourselves,

To be loving to ourselves in the present moment,

Right?

To be feeling and holding ourselves in a way that is loving and kind and supportive,

Right?

Using self-compassion when we're feeling down,

We're feeling anxious,

We're feeling sick,

Right?

Being very caring and gentle with ourselves in those moments because it's not going to last.

It's not going to last.

Everyone gets the first arrow,

Right?

They come and they go,

Those first arrows.

For most of us,

We don't actually even get that many arrows.

Our suffering is mostly just self-created suffering.

But to remember when we do get it,

Because we will get it,

Right?

We will get the first arrow at some point,

You know,

You might go a couple weeks without one and then it might just be you stubbed your toe.

Okay,

Time to care for the toe,

Put a bandaid on,

Right?

To look after it,

To not push back on it.

I think that's what's really important.

And then when we are okay with being with our anxiety,

Our sadness,

Our grief,

And as you were saying Gary,

Like you know,

You hope this has prepared you to deal with it again in the future.

If you don't fear the anxiety in this moment,

You won't fear the anxiety when it comes again.

But if we fear the anxiety in this moment,

We will fear the anxiety the next time that we're experiencing it.

It's just part of life,

Right?

And some of us have some anxiety that needs to get worked out.

Some kind of emotions in our body that need to get worked out.

It's like,

It's okay.

It's okay that you're here.

It's okay to feel.

It's okay to feel what we're feeling,

If it's anxiety or sadness or doubt or anything.

It's okay to feel,

Not to get lost in the story,

But to feel what's happening,

Right?

And to do it in a kind and loving and caring way.

And that way when these waves,

Because they do still come on.

I mean,

It's like they have,

It takes a while for these old habits to really work their way out.

And so they will still keep coming on.

So like you get this wave of fear,

Wave of doubt,

Right?

Whatever.

We all have our own particular,

And I did see,

I think it was Jim,

I'm going to get to in a moment,

Like our triggers.

Like we all have our own kind of unique triggers,

Personal,

More personal type triggers,

We'll call them.

And so the more that you can know them,

Like,

Oh,

I know,

I know doubt comes on around this time on this day or so.

Like,

Because for some of us,

It can be a particular time of day where we feel it more than others.

Some of it,

As soon as you get into bed and the lights go out,

Been busy all day and doing things and,

And all of a sudden you're left kind of there alone,

Exposed to your own thoughts,

Believing them,

Right?

And it's good to know like,

Ah,

Yeah,

When I get to bed,

That's when the doubt likes to come in.

Okay,

I know I'm going to expect you tonight doubt,

Right?

So when you see it and you go,

And you guys,

Some of you know,

Because I give the teaching about Mara,

Like,

I see you Mara.

Okay,

Here you are.

Let's breathe.

Let's be with the fear.

Be with it.

Be with the anxiety,

Breathe and feel it,

Be curious about it in this moment.

That lessens it,

Right?

Doesn't make it disappear,

But it definitely lessens it.

And the more that you can be with it coming,

You know,

Allowing it to be here,

Feeling it.

It's just energy,

Unpleasant energy,

Maybe tense,

Maybe,

You know,

A heavy pressure.

But it's just energy.

And you don't fear it so much when you see it more clearly what it is.

The fear is usually because it's coming in with a thought.

But the absence of the thought,

You're coming in and just feeling in the body.

Being with what's here,

Accepting what's here.

This is what we did in the meditation,

Right?

Accepting whatever it is that's here in this moment.

Because that's your experience.

That's who you are.

Let's not deny like,

We go,

Oh,

Anxiety is how you're arising in this moment,

Or stress is how you're arising this moment.

We go,

I shouldn't be feeling this.

Like we are literally,

Like,

I shouldn't have a mouth,

I shouldn't have a hand in this moment.

It's literally like that we are pushing back on us.

And it's like,

Oh,

Okay,

Some anxiety is here.

Some stress is here.

Okay.

Let me be with it.

Let me feel it.

Use self-compassion.

I know I always say this because I think self-compassion is one of the best practices in the world for us.

Just,

Oh,

Sweetheart,

It's a little tough.

You can be with this.

Feel this.

Breathe into this.

It's okay to feel this.

Right?

And be with it.

Oh,

Okay.

And then when those waves come,

When they come in other times,

It's like,

Oh,

Here it is.

I feel,

Oh,

It's coming.

But so many times I've not only looked directly at it,

I have welcomed it.

And I don't fear it so much anymore.

It doesn't wipe me out.

It's not a tsunami that I think it is in my mind.

It's like a three footer wave,

Right?

I can bear that.

And the more that I breathe into it,

And the wave kind of rises and falls and rises and falls.

And again,

Not doing this to make it go away,

But it does naturally on its own just become a little bit softer,

Less intense,

Let's even say,

Just less intense.

And it's like,

Oh,

I was nearly swept away.

But now it's just a little bit of the residual tension is left over a little bit of tightness,

A little bit of a tightness.

Okay,

I can feel that.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Because all of our emotions,

Our thoughts,

Our feelings,

They all just come and go.

But they come and we go,

Ah,

I can't feel this.

You know,

Taking,

You know,

A wave and just making it bigger and bigger,

Like as we're pushing back,

I can't feel this,

I can't feel this.

And it becomes heavier and heavier and bigger and bigger in our minds,

Crushing us because of the way we're relating to it.

So it's okay to feel anxiety,

It's okay to feel stress,

It's okay to feel sadness.

It's okay if you feel jealousy,

Don't beat yourself up because you feel jealousy,

Right?

Feel it,

Be with it,

Right?

Even those we kind of think,

Oh,

No,

Not those emotions,

Right?

Feel it,

Be with it.

It's okay.

Be with it in a loving and kind way.

So that your fears,

Your emotions,

Your worries,

Don't,

So that you stop fearing them.

Stop fearing fear.

Ah,

Here it is.

I know what to do.

And every time you face it head on,

Come into the experience with it in a skillful and a wise and a compassionate way,

You lessen the fear,

Even of fear.

Reviews

My gentle forgiveness to me & I do say to myself it's ok sweetheart, start again. To recognise that Mara voice that I learnt about because I heard it in myself & you helped me find it Meredith..

Our causes & conditions 🌟🌈🌞🌝

Smile, keep going with compassion, acceptance & love right now 💖

Namaste 🙏🪷🌷🌼🌻⚘️🪻

I enjoy and learn from your talks!😊Thank you for your hard work!🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

Thank you for another valuable talk - they do help a lot, like that they are short ✨🙏

i don’t know what it is, maybe my frontal cortex bogs down - i’ve learned to sit with my emotions and yet when a challenging situation hits from out of the blue i forget everything I know 🤪🙃. i’ll keep practicing and listening to talks like this and i’ll continue to do better 🤍🙏

excellently ✔️ Acceptane is key to feeeling your emotions.