Chasing Happiness Is Not Happiness

We spend most of our lives chasing happiness in the future, believing our happiness is over there. But when we get there what we find is a few moments of relief, because the chasing has ceased, only for it to start back up again. All of this chasing distracts us from knowing the peace and happiness that is right here, right now.

Transcript

It is the thought,

I need something.

That is what's creating the craving.

And it's so hard to just,

It's just a thought,

Just a little thought.

I want something,

I don't want something,

Right?

This is how the ego arises.

I'm either chasing happiness over here,

Desire,

Wanting,

Or I'm resisting,

Aversion,

Not wanting.

Either way that the,

You know,

Either one of these modes,

Desire,

Fear,

Two sides of the same coin,

They're both really coming hand in hand,

But sometimes we can feel the desire more than the fear,

And sometimes the fear more than the desire.

Every time that arises,

I want something out there.

If I want something out there,

Then I must somehow be incomplete now.

I don't want something to be happening because the thought of getting that something I don't want is now making me feel incomplete.

So now I've got to focus on how to not get that.

It is our thoughts,

The ego,

That is causing us to believe that we are somehow incomplete.

And we so identify with our ego,

We so believe our thoughts are real.

So while I say this,

Like,

Oh,

It's just a thought,

It's not just a thought.

It's the thought that creates a little image of me that is somehow incomplete,

That needs something to feel whole.

That's what it is.

It's this imaginary image,

If I want something,

I need to get over there,

Right?

There's a belief,

I'll be happy if I get over there.

So this little image of me is not happy now,

And I have the image that it will be so happy if I get over there.

And then we rush and we get over there.

And for a moment,

We feel good,

Maybe a few moments,

Maybe we were rushing to the chocolate cake,

Right?

And it does feel good,

Like,

No problem.

Chocolate cake tastes nice,

Right?

But you know what is really feeling so good in that moment?

It's that the wanting went away.

Because we've had chocolate cake when we've been miserable before,

And it didn't make us happy.

If you just got dumped,

And you consoled yourself by getting chocolate cake,

Right?

You still weren't happy eating the chocolate cake.

The chocolate cake can't make you happy.

It was the thought went away for a moment.

Whatever it was that the object of your desire is,

You get it.

And then the thinking of I need that goes away.

That is what feels so good.

And I'm not suggesting the chocolate cake does not taste good.

It probably does.

And if you're in a pretty good mood to begin with,

Yeah,

A little bit of joy,

A little bit of happiness.

But most of that happiness is coming because the thought has been dropped of I want something.

But then the problem is that it starts back up again.

I want another piece.

Oh,

I want some coffee to go with it.

You know,

I want some Diet Coke to go with it.

Where can I go to next?

You know,

Where then we've eaten so much chocolate cake,

I feel sick.

Now I don't want this.

I don't want the bad feeling.

Because I was so sure the chocolate cake was going to fill me up and make me feel whole again.

I mean,

It filled me up,

But I feel sick now.

It is so,

It's so alluring,

This little me that wants something.

And it really is just a thought.

But we spend so much time lost in our thoughts.

You know,

We kind of feel this consistency of it as though it's always there.

But you drop when you have a craving for something.

And a craving,

Depending upon,

You know,

Alcohol,

Sorry,

Florian's hungry now,

Me too,

Actually.

It is lunchtime for me out here.

You know,

When we have a craving for something,

Let's say chocolate cake,

We're all thinking about chocolate cake now and we have a craving for it.

So to a certain degree,

Like maybe,

You know,

If you're craving heroin or,

You know,

This isn't going to work.

But for most things that we're craving,

I want to go,

I want to hop on Amazon,

I want to hop on Insight Timer,

I'm feeling a little,

I'm feeling that itch,

I need something,

Right?

If you can,

Again,

Through the lens of kindness,

What is the kindest way I can be with this craving right now?

I can come in and breathe for 60 to 90 seconds is all it takes to balance out the neurotransmitters that are also acting on that thought is not alone,

By the way,

It's not just the thought and the image.

In fact,

I'm sorry,

I forgot to mention,

It's also the motivation reward pathway.

I want the chocolate cake and our motivation reward pathway,

A survival system,

Just like the stress response,

Meant to keep our ancestors alive,

Go and find watering holes,

Go and find food sources,

Go and find new caves,

Not a seek and find and be satisfied system,

A seek and find and seek and find and seek and find,

Always finding new watering holes,

Always finding new food sources,

New tools,

New caves,

Right?

So we,

You know,

The thought and the little me that needs it because I'm incomplete and I'll be whole,

I'll feel happy when I get that object is now layered on top of this motivation reward pathway in our brain,

Right?

It's like,

Yeah,

Go get it,

You'll be happy,

You'll be safe,

You'll be complete,

Go get it,

Right?

So all of this is egging us on to go get it,

But we go and get the chocolate cake and again,

What happens after we eat the chocolate cake?

Yeah,

Okay,

Well,

What else?

I don't actually feel complete anymore,

Now I want something else,

Right?

And we're just on this endless seek and find and seek and find and seek and find,

But the initial craving for little things,

Food,

Shopping,

Praise,

Recognition,

Facebook,

You know,

Little things,

I mean,

Facebook actually isn't a little thing because it's tapping that motivation reward pathway too,

But I'm talking about not like the big drugs,

Which is also tapping into that system,

By the way,

But it is about 60 to 90 seconds to balance back out the neurotransmitters that are also egging us on.

So 60 to 90 seconds of deep breathing,

Usually about 20 breaths,

Right?

20 breaths,

You know,

Probably it's 15,

20 breaths,

It's about the amount of time.

And if we do that,

While we're balancing out the neurotransmitters that are really kind of pulling us on,

That are making it feel like survival,

Just like the stress response,

You know,

Making it feel like,

Don't put that thought down,

It's survival,

Right?

Once you've kind of identified that you need to get something,

Your motivation reward pathway now thinks it's survival to get that chocolate cake.

So you bring your attention in,

You breathe for 60 to 90 seconds,

Really feeling your breath,

Thinking,

This is the kindest thing I can do,

Using kindness to get us unstuck and to be there.

We've also stopped the thoughts,

Right,

Because now our attention is in the breath.

So we balance out the neurotransmitters,

When the thought goes away,

And so does the little me that was incomplete and thought it needed something outside of it to be happy.

Because now in the absence of the I want thought,

Of the I'm complete,

The absence of the little me,

There is no one to be dissatisfied.

You just is,

Just is,

You're here,

You're present,

It's okay,

There's no more pull to get to the next moment.

It's good to notice that as well,

I used to think that I loved that,

I used to think I loved the feeling of dopamine,

Because that's the neurotransmitter that's being activated.

When you go shopping and you get something new or some food or something,

I used to think that that felt good.

It actually doesn't feel that good,

Because it does get mixed in with some stress.

When you notice that I got to get over there,

It actually doesn't feel good at all,

Right?

And when you come back and you breathe out of kindness,

And you come back into the present moment,

It's like,

Oh my God,

Yeah,

This feels peaceful.

The absence of wanting,

There's peace here.

I mentioned it in the meditation at the end.

Peace is always here.

Peace is always here.

We don't experience it all the time,

Because we're lost in our wanting and not wanting thoughts.

We're chasing and pushing,

We're in this constant,

You know,

Pressing the accelerator,

Pressing the brake at the same time.

So we don't even feel the peace that's always here.

The peace that we're trying to get to over there,

That we're creating all this nervous energy about,

The peace was never over there.

It's just right here in the absence of the chasing and resisting.

So you know,

If you're going to have the chocolate cake,

And Florian's hungry,

I'm getting hungry too,

Right?

I'll go have lunch after this.

The food,

The lunch is not going to change me,

It's not going to complete me,

And there's no expectation that it will.

Best chocolate cake in the world will not complete me.

Enjoy it.

If you're having a nice meal,

Enjoy it.

We should enjoy the food.

We should have nice,

Good quality food.

And enjoy it,

And savor it.

But you know,

To recognize that getting over there,

There's no more happiness there.

But the thought of I need to get over there,

The kitchen's there,

That's why I'm pointing that way,

There's no more happiness over there than there is right here.

But the thought that I need to get over there will take me out of the happiness,

And when I say happiness here,

I think of peace as the highest form of happiness.

It will take me out of the peace and happiness that is right here,

The thought that I need to get over there.

This is what we're constantly talking about in spiritual teachings,

Constantly talking about the separate self,

The identification with the separate self,

That if I get over there I'll be happy.

If I get that next talk,

I'll be happy.

If I can just get to the end of the day,

I'll be happy.

It's a thought,

Right?

It's a powerful thought.

It's a powerful thought,

And we believe we are that thought,

So I'm not minimizing this in any way.

But we do have to see what the problem is,

And to stop chasing our happiness in the future.

Reviews

Wonderful talk about staying present. Rembering that I am not my thoughts.

Valuable Truths. ThU.
My fav affirmation is:
I AM CONTENT.
My current fav T Shirt is;
Be Here Now.

Helpful and pleasant 😊 thank you so much teacher 😊