Being With Guilt Instead Of Running From It

When we’ve hurt someone, the urge to fix it right away can feel overwhelming—sometimes not out of care for the other, but because we can’t stand the discomfort of our own guilt.

In the Q&A portion of our Sunday Sangha, we explore how to stay with those difficult inner feelings—guilt, fear, regret, even unworthiness—without needing the other person to take away our pain. Through presence, compassion, and deep self-honesty, we learn to meet what’s here without pushing it away or making it someone else’s burden to hold.

This isn’t about fixing the relationship with the other person, but instead about fixing our relationship with our guilt—tending to the suffering within us with kindness and wisdom.

Transcript

You want to find peace in the situation without needing to reach out to them because you don't want to cause them distress because perhaps whatever it is that happened there is,

It needs some space.

I mean this often happens in our relationships when we've done something to harm someone else or we acted in a way that wasn't as skillful as we would have liked it ideally to be.

And so often it's like we do need to give that other person the space,

The room that they need to heal.

And yet part of us is like,

But I can't handle the guilt any longer.

I can't handle this.

I need to reach out to them.

And so it's really thoughtful that you're recognizing,

Yeah,

I don't want to reach out to them because I think it's going to cause them more distress.

So it's for you learning,

For you to be with your guilt so you know there's some guilt about maybe your actions or something that some action,

Something said,

Something done.

So you can recognize,

Yeah,

Where's the suffering coming from?

It's not what happened because whatever happened already happened in the past.

Whatever you're imagining happening in the future isn't happening.

And your worst case scenario is not happening now.

So the problem is there is some guilt.

You're attached to the idea that you shouldn't have done something wrong.

Maybe the attached to the idea that now I'm a bad person.

Because of this,

I'm unworthy.

Because of this,

I can't move forward and feel peaceful knowing that I harmed someone,

Knowing that I caused some hurt.

So recognize,

Ah,

Okay,

I know what the problem is.

I can't keep going back to the situation,

But I can tend to the guilt.

Okay,

Let me,

Let me come in now.

I recognize the guilt is the problem,

Right?

And guilt is just anger towards ourselves,

Right?

That's what it is.

It's anger towards ourselves.

So recognizing the guilt,

Accepting the feelings of guilt,

Breathing in,

Allowing them to be here.

It's okay to feel guilt.

It's okay to feel it.

The feelings are real.

That is the only thing that is happening right now.

So really breathing in and feeling and allowing.

It's okay to be here,

Guilt.

It's okay.

I welcome you.

And I really,

You guys know I say this all the time,

Because the way we talk to our feelings,

Our problems,

It really changes our relationship to them,

Right?

So the more that we even say,

It's okay to feel this,

It's okay to be with this,

It's almost like you've got a kind of a good coach there saying like,

It's okay,

It's okay,

You can feel this,

You can feel this.

Okay,

Yeah,

I can.

Yeah,

I can open up,

I can breathe,

Give space for the guilt.

Yeah,

And as I soften,

As I exhale,

Like I'm kind of giving some warmth to it,

Right?

I'm bringing some kindness to it,

Right?

So you keep breathing in,

Giving it space,

And it's okay to feel guilt.

It's okay to feel it.

It's okay to feel it,

Right?

And then you start,

And again,

The investigating and the nurturing,

And I find they kind of,

You just kind of flip back and forth between the two.

It might be a lot of nurturing up front,

Right?

It might be a lot of like,

In that accepting of the feelings,

A lot of really talking kind to yourself,

Talking kind to the guilt,

To the fear.

What else is here?

So you're kind of investigating almost with the nurturing,

Right?

Okay,

What else is here in the guilt?

Oh,

Fear.

Fear that this friendship might be over.

Oh,

Oh,

Okay.

And let me breathe into that,

And let me give some space to that,

The fear that the friendship might be over.

Maybe it's the fear of what do they think of me now?

Oh,

They must think I'm a bad person now.

They must see me in this horrible light.

And we know how that feels,

Right?

And it's like,

Okay,

Let me breathe into that.

Let me breathe into that and feel that.

And it's okay to feel that,

Because just like me,

Millions of people around the world are fearing what others think of them.

And you can breathe in,

And you can feel that solidarity with others.

This is a normal human experience.

What you're going through,

Joy,

Is a normal human experience.

And Alice and Filippa,

Every one of us,

Anything that we are experiencing is a normal human experience.

We're humans,

And so whatever you are experiencing is a normal human experience.

And so coming in and accepting it and feeling it and naming it,

And it's okay.

And it's okay that it's here.

And it's okay that you're here,

Fear.

And it's okay that maybe behind this,

How will they see me as a bad person,

Behind that is this fear that I see myself as an unworthy person.

Ah,

Okay,

And now I can touch that as well.

And now I can breathe some space into that as well,

And it's okay that you're here.

Oh,

Unworthiness,

Were you buried way down there under the guilt?

I was so busy being angry at myself.

I didn't even notice you.

I'm so sorry.

And now let me give you some space.

And now we're bringing to the surface all of these deeply rooted fears,

Right,

And insecurities that we all carry around.

And instead of pushing them down,

Pushing them away,

Resisting them,

We're doing just the opposite.

We're bringing light to them,

And we're saying it's okay to feel this.

And as we do that,

We find the peace because we accepted every part of ourselves.

We can't just accept the good parts.

You wouldn't have the good parts without their opposite.

We wouldn't have them.

And so this is,

This path is about accepting every single part of us,

Right?

The part that feels guilty,

The part that feels regret,

The part that feels shame,

The part that feels unworthy.

Yeah,

Accept every single part of that because those are all parts of you.

And in our shame,

And in our guilt,

And in our regrets,

And in our fears,

Is our compassion,

Right?

And it's the conditions that bring our compassion out when we start to comfort our shame,

When we comfort our guilt,

When we comfort our fears,

When we comfort our unworthiness,

Right?

And comfort it by acknowledging it's here.

And I'm kind of saying here,

Like it's,

We feel it.

It's a feeling,

Right?

We know this,

Like this,

These kind of feelings,

These emotions,

They like get buried in our bodies,

And they get stuck.

But the more that we acknowledge them,

And we breathe,

And we give them space,

And we give them,

You know,

The that the attention that they have been wanting all this time that we haven't been giving to them,

And then we say,

It's okay that you're here.

It's okay.

I will be here with you as long as you need me to be here.

Guilt,

Fear,

Shame,

Unworthiness,

Right?

And you keep,

You,

I have just found in my own experience,

The more that we keep peeling back the layers,

You keep going deeper and deeper,

And you start really getting to the root of what's behind the guilt,

Maybe the shame of the situation,

You know,

Maybe the,

Again,

The fear of what do they think about me,

Right?

That's a normal fear that people have.

And so you're acknowledging it,

And you're saying,

It's okay to feel this,

And it's okay to feel this,

And you keep breathing into it,

And you give it space,

Give it your compassion,

You give it your heart,

You welcome it,

You allow it to be here.

And then you do start to feel a sense of ease and calm,

And you no longer have that need to reach out to have them to fix it,

Right?

I need to get this resolved on the outside,

Because now you have the wisdom and the compassion,

Because you addressed what was here.

And you see the path forward is that right now,

I can't do,

I can't bring them into this.

I can't reach out to them right now.

It's,

They need time.

They need to,

They need some time to heal.

But what I can keep doing in the meantime is some tonglen,

Is some loving kindness,

Is self-compassion,

Because there's a lot of hurt,

And fear,

And guilt in here.

And so that's what I can be doing that's helpful,

That's helping the situation.

And inadvertently,

I am helping them,

Because I'm not putting it on them to fix me.

Too many times we're going back in a relationship situation where we've caused some damage,

Or we've hurt someone,

We've harmed someone.

And because we can't stand this idea that I hurt someone,

We can't live with this idea that those words came out of my mouth,

Right?

That instead of dealing with the situation,

You know,

What it is that's going on in here,

What it is that I'm holding on to,

What we want to do is,

What we want to do unskillfully is,

We want them to relieve us of our suffering.

Let me go resolve it with them so that they can tell me they forgive me,

So they can tell me I'm a good person again.

But that's only going to last until the next situation,

Because I didn't resolve the problem.

Because the problem was in here,

There was an attachment,

Something in here,

I was holding on to something in here.

And if I hold on and I don't know what it is that I'm holding on to,

And I keep my attention out there thinking the problem's out there,

When it gets released,

It's for the wrong reasons.

And so it's going to crop up in some other,

It doesn't even have to be another relationship,

It just crops up in some other way that we were least expecting it.

So the more that we can tend to what's here and acknowledge your path,

Your spiritual path,

Is your refuge,

Not the external world.

You will never find a place in the external world for very long where everything is working,

Where every relationship is working,

Where you're never experiencing any discomfort,

No one's sick,

You're not sick,

There's no financial problems going on,

Everything works,

The phone works,

The computer works,

The internet works,

The washing machine works,

Right?

That might be a period,

You might have that for a short period,

But we know everything is changing.

Our relationship's always changing.

Sometimes we're closer with someone,

Sometimes we're a little bit further away,

Right?

Whether it's geographically or because there's something going on,

Right?

But our relationship's always changing.

Everything,

Everything,

Always changing.

How we feel about ourselves,

Our perceptions,

Always changing.

Don't get attached to any of that because it's just changing,

Changing,

Changing.

So the more that we can recognize,

Oh what's really hurt is my perception of myself,

Oh let me come in and feel that,

Let me recognize,

Accept what's here,

Investigate,

Nurture,

Right?

And through this practice,

I mean through this amazing practice of mindfulness,

With wisdom and compassion,

I'm looking in the right place for where my suffering is.

I'm looking in the right place.

And in looking for the right place,

Now I'm freeing myself.

And I know that every time I do this,

My attachments become a little bit less.

And I know how to comfort myself and be kind to myself in my hour of need.

Because if we can't do that for ourselves,

Then we're always going to be left flailing and needing someone else to do it for us.

And then sometimes putting the burden on another person when it's like they're wounded or they're dealing with something,

Right?

We want to be able to do this ourselves.

So.

Oh,

You're so welcome.

You're so welcome,

Joy.

I'm really,

I'm glad that this is hitting home.

Yeah.

Reviews

I got so much more out of this hearing at a second time. Thanks for recording snippets like this 🌻👌🙏🌙🌻👌🙏🌙🌻👌🙏

Loved this, thank you! 🙏🏻

Incredibly helpful. I had not thought of my guilt this way before. Thank you so much, Meredith. 🩷🙏🏼

Really helpful information again!🙏

A home run! Thanks Meredith 🥰✌️🦋