Being With Grief

It's such a challenge when we lose someone we love, we can feel so lost and scattered. In this class, I offer guidance to someone who has recently lost their partner. It is my hope that through this offering we can all learn how to grieve in a way that is healthy, kind, and supportive.

Trigger Warning: This practice may include references to death, dying, and the departed.

Transcript

So I'll just go to Lucila's comment here.

You've had a meditation practice for 50 years but in the midst of the of the crisis of my husband's death 12 days ago.

Oh,

I feel so scattered and the anchor seems to have drifted.

Oh,

I am so,

So sorry Lucila.

Oh my gosh,

12 days ago was very,

Very,

Very,

Very recent.

I am so,

So sorry for that.

Yeah,

I am not surprised at all that your practice is feeling a little bit scattered right now.

This is something real that's happening and this is where your practice is to be with whatever it is that's arising.

The feeling of being scattered,

Be with that.

Don't push back on it.

Your world's just been rocked.

It's really important to feel whatever it is you are feeling,

To allow yourself the space to feel what you're feeling and it is perfectly okay that you feel this way,

Right?

Of course,

You've lost your partner and it is normal to feel like we're falling apart a little bit,

Right?

To not feel as grounded as we did before we lost someone we loved.

So that is perfectly normal for that to happen right now but your practice,

What you've been doing for 50 years,

Is to help you be with this however it is arising,

To be with it,

To breathe into it,

Create space,

To be with the sadness,

To allow the tears to flow,

Allow them to spill out,

You know,

However it needs to come out and also to find some space to be with it.

Sometimes,

Especially with grief and I'm not sure where you're dialing in from Lucille,

I just want to see.

Oh,

From the states,

From New Hampshire,

Okay.

So in the states for sure,

In the west,

Europe,

Australia,

We don't talk about death very much.

We sure as heck don't talk about how to deal with grief.

It's not something that we are taught how to do and yet we all lose someone that we love.

We all lose someone that we love and we don't talk about it and so we don't know what to do with it and we can feel even more shattered and more frightened and more or less angered to the present moment because there's this panic of how do I be with this and I do think it's important that we have rituals around death.

I think rituals around a lot of things are really helpful for our practice but around death in particular.

So for your partner to have some time where you have some,

You're not having to work,

You don't have anyone over and you set some time to say and do this.

In fact,

I'd recommended this to someone recently.

Think of their favorite drink,

Whatever their favorite drink is and if it's a coca-cola,

If it's a cup of coffee,

If it's a shot of tequila,

Whatever it is like this is part of the ritual.

Make the drink and make yourself maybe a cup of coffee or a glass of water or something or it's a shot of tequila and then set it down as though like hey,

You can clink the glasses,

Hey,

This is the time for us to connect,

To say all those things that you're feeling inside,

To say all the ways in which you miss them and maybe things you wish you had said,

You know,

To have that space to just talk with them as though you've given them a drink.

There's something in that ritual of it that really brings a sense of presence from the other person and gives us that space to be able to communicate with them and say all the things that we want to say and then the tears come,

Let them come,

You know,

Bring a big box of tissues with you and just have that time to be there with them so that you can experience the grief and the sadness and to also be able to do it in a time of your choosing versus we know what happens so much of the time,

We're somewhere and we're trying to hold on to it,

We don't want to let it out and of course I mean depending upon the setting right but depending upon the setting right there are some times where it's maybe not as appropriate to let it out,

We do need to hold on a little bit but I think the more that you have those times like maybe once a week where you make your husband's,

You know,

His favorite drink and you sit down,

Maybe you put a picture of him there,

Maybe you light a candle,

Like really make it a little bit of a ceremony.

I kind of thought of this a little bit down here in Mexico where we have the day of the dead and this was because my veterinarian here and they've,

For the day of the dead here like he would put,

He had his picture of his dad,

A little altar and there were lots of pictures on there and he would put his dad's favorite drink in the morning and then at midday he'd put his dad's favorite drink again and in the evening he'd put,

He'd change it out and he'd put another drink and it was his way of kind of staying connected there,

Remembering the things that his dad likes and so I think the more that we can do this,

You know,

The more you can practice this Lucila,

Put some time aside to be with it.

This is what our practice helps us with,

Right?

To be able to bear what's happening in this moment,

To not let our thoughts go out into the future and how am I going to handle this in the future and all of the stories that we can spin about it because that's not being with the sadness and the grief,

Right?

That's just our ego spinning out of control,

Making it about me instead of like feeling the sadness of losing someone that you love.

So that's what your practice is,

Helping you to learn how to be with this and adding in a ritual if you don't do that already is a beautiful way to give yourself the space to really experience the grief and sadness in a way where you know you're coming to it and you have all the time in the world to just let it out,

Let those tears out,

Let the heart quiver,

Right?

It should,

It should and when you feel like again you feel those moments where things just feel,

You know,

That uncertainty feels so strong,

So powerful that it kind of grips you all of a sudden,

You forget for a few moments and then it comes back,

Breathe into that,

Just be with it because that's part of the grieving process as well,

Right?

That's the part of it where we kind of forget and then come back to it and come back and instead of letting it come back with a sledgehammer and oh my god we crumble just yeah,

Just let it be,

Okay yeah,

Should things should feel a little bit unsettled right now.

They should feel that way and it's okay to feel that way,

It's okay,

Being kind to yourself,

Right?

Allowing yourself to experience this,

To feel this.

So yeah,

You can make that cup of coffee for him now and say like here you go sweetheart,

I know you couldn't have it before but here you go,

Here you go sweetheart and just share the memories and talk about things and tears and tissues and and just and just be with it and be with it.

We just,

We don't know how to be with death in the West,

We don't talk about it much and yet everyone experiences it like it's everyone experiences it.

There's a story in the in the sutras,

In the Buddhist sutras about Kishima,

I think it's Kishima Gotama where her baby has died and she's just frantic,

She's running around holding the baby and trying to get anyone to help her to please help the baby,

Please save my baby,

Please save my baby and everyone can see quite clearly the baby is dead and is not coming back and eventually someone says the Buddha is in the the town square,

Why don't you go see the Buddha,

Why don't you go ask him,

See what he can do and she oh thank goodness,

Yes she rushes to the Buddha and and she shows him her baby and she says please can you help save my baby,

Please can you bring him back to life and the Buddha looks at the baby,

Sees the baby's dead,

Has been dead for some time now and he says I'll help you if you can do one thing for me,

I want you to go to a household and get some mustard seeds and she's immediately like oh okay I'll go,

I'll go get some mustard seeds and he goes oh but hang on one thing,

The mustard seeds you get,

They have to come from a house that has never experienced death before,

So she goes to the first household and she asked do you have some mustard seeds and they say yes,

Yes so they go to get him,

She goes oh hang on,

Wait a minute,

Has anyone ever died here?

Has anyone ever died here?

And say oh yeah,

Yeah,

Just a few months ago our grandparent,

Our grandfather died,

Last year we had a child die,

A few years before that we had another person dying and she goes to the next house and the next house and the next house and they always as they go to get the mustard seeds she asks the question and they all reply the same way,

Oh yes we've had death here in this household too and she starts to realize everyone experiences this,

Everyone experiences death and we need to be to learn how to be with death,

With the losing of someone that we love and it takes time and it takes practice and it takes a lot of kindness to yourself so be very,

Very kind to yourself Lucila and know that I think and I know already Gary and Sue and sending you lots of love and just know that we're going to hold you in our heart right,

All of our hearts,

All those hearts right now are for you,

You're going up,

Right,

You're not alone,

We've all experienced loss and you're not alone so don't be afraid to lean on people as well,

Don't be afraid to ask for help and I think in these settings in the sangha it's such a beautiful place to ask because you know there's so many loving,

Caring people here and we can hold space for you,

We can hold you up when it's a little hard to hold yourself up and my heart really does go out to you,

I'm so sorry,

I'm so sorry,

And from Diane sending you some love there also,

This is the part of impermanence that's one of the most difficult aspects for us to be okay with and by being okay meaning not being indifferent to losing someone that we love but even in death like and accepting that it happens and accepting that it's happened and being with the sadness and the grief like that's what's important,

Not to question why did this happen,

It shouldn't have happened if only we'd done this because that's resisting,

That's pushing back on it and that only extends our suffering and from some love from JG too,

See this you've got lots of support here Lucilla,

So be mindful of the mind resisting it if that's been happening in any way,

Be careful of that,

Notice it,

Notice that here it is,

Just breathe,

Be here,

Be with what's arising,

Be with the sadness,

Be with the fear,

Be with the unsteadiness,

Be with that feeling of being scattered or shattered or punched in the gut,

Be with it all in this moment,

Be with it all in this moment,

He would want you to use this as your practice to be here,

To be here with it,

Miss him of course,

Yeah but not pushing back on it,

Not pushing back on it,

To you Lucilla.

It's also one of the things that comes out of death,

Can be a reminder,

Is often a reminder to us of just how precious these lives are,

To stop taking them for granted,

We don't know when our time is up and we don't know when someone we love,

I mean it sounds like in your situation your husband was sick for quite a while but often there's no warning,

Someone we love goes,

So tell those that you love,

Don't ever think that you have more time,

If you're with someone and you feel a sense of love and connection and gratitude for that friendship,

That relationship,

Let them know,

Let them know,

You may not get another chance.

And I think also in death it's one of those reminders again that all of a sudden all of the stuff,

All of the little worries and the fears that we carry around,

All of a sudden just don't matter anymore,

Right?

The little petty things that we're just making,

I mean aren't even happening but we're just making up in our heads,

All of a sudden in the face of someone we love dying,

We realize why was I focused on all that other stuff,

It just doesn't matter,

It just doesn't matter but the problem and almost everyone who experiences this realizes that,

That what you were worried about before you're like this just doesn't matter but if we don't go through the passing of someone really opening our hearts with compassion to be with our pain and suffering,

Right?

There's so much wisdom in being able to be with our pain and suffering,

To have those moments of sitting down with you having the ritual,

To be with it.

If we don't do those things,

If we don't skillfully deal with death,

All those old worries and fears just come back up eventually but we can really,

If we really open our hearts to our pain and suffering or if you're with someone that's going through it,

Opening your heart to their pain and suffering,

Really practicing compassion and if you're struggling with it,

If you're really struggling say being with someone that's going through the loss of someone,

To recognize oh I need to practice more compassion practices.

I have some classes and meditations on my teacher's page on that because it's compassion is such a big part of our practice,

Right?

Compassion,

The ability to to be with pain and suffering in a way that doesn't overwhelm us,

Right?

So recognizing then sometimes where our practice is like oh I need a little more focus on compassion,

Right?

And how we handle these situations really giving us a big wake-up call,

Really giving us a big wake-up call that can have really lasting impacts on us.

Yeah,

That's a lovely,

Death can be a skillful broom for all the things that don't matter but feel like they do,

Yeah.

In the face of death,

All that stuff just doesn't matter anymore but they will come right back again if we don't really take the lesson that we were being given in losing someone,

Remembering,

Focusing on impermanence,

What we talked about yesterday.

Everything is fleeting,

We are fleeting,

We come into being and we pass and we just we're so shocked when it happens and of course it still hurts,

It's always going to hurt and it should for someone you love,

It should always hurt but I think the more that you reflect on impermanence through this as well Lucila,

The more it will help you when you kind of go through the different stages of the grieving and it doesn't become as gripping as it does in the beginning because time does,

Time and space does heal the heart,

Right?

To some degree,

Right?

It'll always be with you but to some degree and I think the more that you,

The more skillfully,

The more you use your practice here,

Then those little things you were worrying about before,

They won't have as much ground to stand on,

They won't so easily resurrect themselves but we don't deal with the underlying cause,

Right?

We just we're so focused on the sadness and the grief and the fear of what's going to happen to us,

We don't realize ah,

Those things will come right back again,

Right?

We want to get to the root cause,

Right?

All things are changing moment by moment by moment,

Right?

It's one of the you know,

In Buddhism and the first noble truth like there is a certain amount of suffering in life,

Not all life is suffering.

I don't think he really ever said all life is suffering but there's a certain amount of suffering in life.

If we're lucky,

We get old but getting old is painful,

Right?

I mean it hurts,

Getting old is painful,

Getting out of bed in the morning like oh,

Creaks,

Right?

Getting sick is painful,

Dying,

Losing those that we love is painful,

Right?

We can't avoid,

We can't avoid that but in all of these things when we understand that is built into life,

Right?

We can't have birth without death,

The deaths make room for the new birth,

It's a cycle and it doesn't mean that we're,

Again,

That we're indifferent to people dying but that we're accepting it,

We're accepting it.

That is really important,

That distinction alone,

That we're accepting that it's happened even as we're lying on the bathroom floor in tears,

Coming out of our nose like just absolutely a complete basket case but not pushing back on it,

Not saying to ourselves this shouldn't have happened,

Why did this happen to me?

What's going to happen to me?

Instead of just being with the sadness,

Allowing it to move through you.

Eckhart Tolle talks about this once he mentioned in a talk about people losing someone they love and then and they're angry at God because of it because they think I had this arrangement with you as if nothing bad was supposed to happen.

It's like why would we expect that other people can lose people but we wouldn't,

Right?

And you can see when people do say,

Oh I lost my faith,

I lost my faith,

When they lost someone they loved,

That was never the arrangement,

It was never the arrangement that you wouldn't lose people that you love,

It's a part of life,

It's not the,

It's the unpleasant part of life but it's also where we can learn a lot as well and it's where we can lean on others,

And allow them to be there for us as well,

Where we can really feel a sense of connection to others when we allow them to share our grief,

When we open up to them.

So keep as is,

Everyone does handle a little bit differently but allow people to be there if it feels right to you,

Like don't feel like you're imposing on people,

People want to help,

People want to be there,

Even if they're just sitting there holding your hand as you're crying,

It can help us too,

It's to help us to be more compassionate,

To be more wise and just another practice that can help you sometimes because we can feel so isolated with death,

We can feel so isolated with any of our emotions,

Any of our,

Anytime we're lost in our thoughts,

When we're lost in our worries and our fears,

It feels like we're the only ones on this planet experiencing it and there's a beautiful Buddhist practice that says,

Just like me,

Millions of people right now are experiencing grief and sadness at losing their partner or just like me,

Millions of people are feeling scared because they just lost their job,

Just like me,

Millions of people are feeling doubt about themselves,

You know,

Just like me,

Millions of people feel like they don't belong and when we say those words,

Just like me,

It's a compassion practice to help us be with our experience by remembering we're not alone,

Whatever you are experiencing,

Whatever you're experiencing is a normal human experience and millions of other people are experiencing the exact same emotion at this moment of the 8 billion people on the planet right now,

Millions are experiencing fear,

Millions are experiencing desire,

Millions are experiencing doubt,

Millions are feeling jealous,

Millions are feeling regretful,

Millions are feeling grief,

Millions are feeling anger,

Millions are feeling self-doubt,

I think I said that twice but right,

Millions are and when we say that and put your hands on your heart,

Like really stay connected to your heart right and this for anything that we're going through right,

Just bringing our hands onto our heart,

Just like me,

Millions of people are experiencing this right now,

Are feeling embarrassed,

Are feeling humiliated,

Are feeling stupid,

Whatever it is you're feeling,

Millions of people are feeling it,

Are experiencing it and it just helps us to accept to be with our emotion in a way that goes,

Ah yeah,

This is normal,

This is a normal human experience and it just it allows us to come closer to it,

To be with it in a way that's more accepting of it because no matter what we are experiencing and it doesn't seem rational to us that we should want to accept the unpleasant emotions,

Why would I want to feel that?

It's unpleasant but it's here,

It's what's here and so we should experience what's here and of course when we're experiencing something unpleasant,

While there is pain in experiencing something unpleasant,

It is the pushing back on it,

The believing I shouldn't be experiencing this,

Believing I'm so alone in my experience on this,

That's where the suffering comes in,

That's where the second arrow and those of you that heard my talk or have heard the buddhist teaching on the two arrows,

The first arrow is the event,

Losing someone you love,

Embarrassing yourself,

Making a mistake,

Falling and tripping and hurting your leg,

The first arrow,

Getting fired,

The first arrow,

Everyone experiences the first arrow.

The second arrow is all of the reasons it shouldn't be happening,

Of all of the reasons of why this shouldn't have happened to me and why this is such a nightmare and I'm never going to be able to deal with this.

Instead of just recognizing the first arrow is here,

It's here.

I have to find a way to accept this because the only way the arrow is going to come out is through acceptance and doesn't mean it comes out right away.

Accepting doesn't mean that the unpleasant feelings go away right?

That's so often we confuse self-compassion,

We think oh I came in with some self-compassion,

I was kind to myself,

I said just like me millions of people are experiencing this,

I breathed into it and it didn't go away.

That's not what the practice is meant to do,

It's not meant to make it go away,

It's to bring you into it,

To dial it down a little bit because when you're in it and accepting it,

It is not nearly as frightening as the story that we're telling ourselves about it is and we come into and we feel it.

It will change,

It will change very quickly in that just its intensity will not be quite as as strong but then we can bear it and then however long we need to bear it and always bearing it in the present moment like okay,

Just be with it,

Just be with it,

Not pushing it away,

Not having a time,

Well 10 minutes now and then it should go away.

No,

However long you need to be with it,

If you're present with it and accepting it,

You can even see even in the most difficult intense pain,

Physical pain,

Let's say chronic pain,

The intensity is changing,

The intensity is changing but we don't notice that,

We don't notice the change,

We don't notice the little breaks because we're still so locked into the story about our pain,

So locked into pushing back on it so this is about bringing us into it but not trying to push away the experience,

Trying to bring us into the experience,

Allowing it to be as long as it needs to be,

As long as it needs to be.

It's from Lucila,

There is so much community and suffering now and always and then sometimes it's hard to figure out how to be just like me and also acknowledge that other suffering is also distinctive,

For example,

My family is already shattered with the sudden death of a beloved young nephew,

Oh I'm so sorry,

And as much suffering as our families are going through,

We have enough to eat and we have some place to live and we have each other so we like so many people around the world are living in the house of grief but we're living in different rooms at times,

Oh yeah,

It's like we all experience suffering,

Yes,

We all have our own say personal suffering,

Yeah,

We all experience that and I'm so sorry for your nephew,

We lost my sister,

Libby is on the call,

It wasn't her son,

It was our other sister,

Her so my nephew,

Our nephew passed away two years ago,

Two years ago,

The anniversary was just 15 or 12 days ago,

It was tragic,

He was 26 years old and it's tough then to have another death on top of it,

It's so tough to have another one and when you say it's hard to figure out how to be and don't intellectualize,

Try not to intellectualize any of this,

That's what's going to get in the way,

That's what's going to get in the way,

It's about coming in and feeling and being.

When we do the meditation and we always start out with some kind of a body scan,

Usually I'll walk you through each part of the body,

A big part of that is teaching you how to come into your body to feel because we are very,

Very disembodied,

Very disembodied and we don't know how to be with what is to feel it,

We intellectualize everything and that's the problem,

Right,

We want to be able to come into the body to feel what's happening,

You can feel and be with whatever's happening in this moment,

If you're thinking about it you will go over the edge because you're thinking about how am I going to feel this in the next moment,

How am I going to feel this in the next hour,

Next week,

That's not being with it,

That's imagining all the future pain and suffering that's not happening but imagining it all happening now and having it just this massive weight come down on you,

So it's not an intellectual exercise,

It's a feeling when you feel the sadness and the grief,

Right,

Right,

We know how that kind of that kind of can't catch our breath,

Right,

Feel it,

Be with it,

It's okay,

Just keep coming back in and feeling it,

Keep coming back in and breathing and if you're,

I mean you can also add on to your practice,

I don't have any not really any specific somatic meditations on my page,

I do have a couple guided breaths where I bring you in the body at different places but I know there's some good somatic meditations on insight timer,

Right,

Coming into the body,

Feeling the body,

The story about what we're feeling is what amps it up,

Amps up the suffering,

Amps up the pain,

Amps up the fear and the emotion and we're not being with it,

So we actually make ourselves,

Put ourselves into a worse state and we're not learning to be with it anyway,

We're not,

We're not,

We're not there for it,

We're still just pushing back on it but the more that we can be with it and feel it even as we're,

Right,

And the tears are flowing and it just feels like everything's falling apart,

The more you can be with it,

The less fearful it is to feel your emotions.

We fear mostly what we don't know,

What's foreign to us,

What's new to us,

Feeling our emotions is quite foreign to us,

Quite new to us so the more that you come in and you feel it and then you'll notice in those moments and you feel it coming up and it's not the story coming in on top to make it worse,

Oh no,

No,

No,

No,

Here it comes,

Oh no,

No,

I thought I was over this,

I didn't think I was going to feel this anymore,

Oh no,

I can't take this,

Instead of all that story coming in,

Distorting and exaggerating what's happening and pushing back on it,

Making it more painful,

Oh here it,

Oh I know this,

Oh I can feel this and again,

The tears still flow,

There's still those moments but you're like I'm just here with it in this moment,

In this moment,

Just whatever it is that's arising,

You're here with it in this moment and if you can bear this,

Then all the little fears,

The little fears,

The petty fears that we all carry around all day,

The little disappointments,

The little ways that we feel slighted,

Insulted,

Criticized,

Blamed,

All those little things it's like oh here it is and you don't fear it so much because it's just a feeling,

It's a and I mean when I mean feeling,

Not emotion,

Feeling,

A physical sensation,

Physical sensation,

An emotion is,

This is from a Buddhist perspective,

Is a thought plus a feeling right?

But then when we remove the thought and we're just with the feeling,

It's not as terrifying and and we're bearing it in this moment and for all those little things,

All the little fears that we all walk around with,

The more you can come into your body and feel it,

The less fearful it is because it's like,

It's like the you know,

I was gonna say like the bully in school that when someone finally stands up to the bully and they go and the bully's like oh,

I didn't think you were actually going to stand up to me,

Now I'm really showing I'm actually quite afraid and it's pulling back the curtain on fear and going I can see you,

I can feel you,

You can't think about it,

It will always win,

It will always win up here but when you feel it,

You see that it's impermanent,

The sadness,

The grief,

Even that is impermanent,

You have moments where if you allow it to really move through,

You would exhaust itself for the moment and the tears right that come out and all of that and there's a little bit of spaciousness on the other side,

It's like okay,

Right,

There's a little bit of space in there,

A little bit of room to breathe and then when the next wave comes because you had that spaciousness,

You could be with it again right and each time you're there,

You're with it,

The intensity and maybe the duration not as long in the beginning,

They're probably still going to be pretty long and intense but again over time,

It starts to dissipate and then definitely with all the little fears,

All of the little things that we make up right because most of the stuff,

This is real,

What you're going through Lasilla,

This is real but all the things that we make up in our minds,

All of the ways that we cause ourselves suffering,

That we torture ourselves right,

Every time we can be with the feelings,

Every time we can be with the feelings,

The next time when it arises and they still,

These habits take them,

They still have to play out for a while,

They will but you just,

You're with it each time and the intensity becomes less and the duration becomes less and the intensity becomes less and the duration becomes less until eventually it's just this little oh,

Oh yeah,

Wow,

I used to make a big story out of that right,

Facing our fears right,

Facing our fears.

I think you mean sometimes impermanence is a great,

Yes sorry,

Put it down below yeah,

Impermanence is a great yeah,

It's there,

It's there even in the tragedies,

It's there but we don't notice it because we're so lost in our thoughts,

We don't notice it,

We don't notice everything's changing because we're so up in our heads about it so more coming into your body,

More coming into your body and feeling that love that everyone's sending you,

Richard's sending you and really feeling like we've all lost someone,

We all know what you're going through,

We all know and it's okay to lean on people when you're the one going through it,

To remember yeah,

Everything changes even in the midst of the difficulty,

There's little moments of relief and when you have those little moments of relief,

Oh treasure those moments because it probably you know,

Have gratitude,

I'm grateful just for this moment of space,

Peace because it's going to come in another way,

It's going to come in another way but then eventually the waves will start to slow down,

They won't be as strong but how you handle this now will determine how long this lasts for and how much wisdom and compassion,

How much more wiser and more compassionate you become for this experience,

The gift that your husband can leave you,

The gift that he would want you to take from this,

Lucila he would say you've been practicing for 50 years,

Now let me give you this gift,

Wake up,

Wake up and see that it's all impermanent,

That there's nothing to hold on to and just let it all flow through you,

Let my love flow through you,

Let my sadness flow through you,

My loss,

Let it all just be,

Let it all just be,

It's the toughest,

This is the toughest time to deal with it,

This is the hardest lesson,

The hardest way we get the lesson and for those of us that are not dealing with an immediate death right,

Practice this now seeing impermanence because you will get it at some point,

You will get it at some point,

Practice seeing impermanence,

Things arise and pass away and arise and pass away,

Your thoughts,

Your feelings and emotions arise and pass away,

Everything around you,

People coming and going,

Relationships coming and going,

People coming and going,

People being born and dying right,

But work with where you are right now and if the conditions are that you are not dealing with a more recent death,

Just more reason to keep practicing seeing impermanence,

Seeing impermanence,

How this is all changing so we are not so shocked when it happens and we're still shocked,

I don't know sorry,

I don't know if we can really take away the shock but we don't push back on it,

We don't push back on it and there is a big difference in that and not pushing back on it and how we do anything is how we do everything and if you can be with your grief and sadness in this really most difficult of time,

You can bear anything,

You can wake up through this Lucilla,

You can wake up from Sue so hard not to push back on fearful thoughts and ruminate,

Yeah it's hard because we have this belief,

Well first of all whatever we're fearing,

It's probably is not happening and yet it feels so real,

It feels so true and there's this idea that I can think my way through this problem right,

We created the problem through our thoughts and then we're trying to look for some thought solution to it because all of this is just happening in our heads but it feels so compelling that we do need to come up with some solution in our thoughts and it's hard to pull your attention away because you think no,

This fear is real and therefore I better come up with a solution to it and it does take practice,

Pulling yourself out,

Coming into feeling the fear in your body and then feeling it like once you've come into it,

Felt it,

Created some space for it right,

Grounded yourself back in the present moment,

Looking around,

Using the sounds,

Smell,

Taste if you're eating something,

Knowing feeling,

Knowing where you are,

Feeling your body where you are,

Grounding yourself back in the present moment and then you can always look back and go okay now that I'm grounded and I'm here and I'm not lost in thought,

In this state of fear,

Now I can investigate the thought to see is it and just a simple question,

Was that a useful thought?

Was it useful?

Was there anything in there?

Sometimes every now and then yeah sometimes our thoughts are kind of nudging us to do something we don't want to always ignore them,

We want to be more discerning and I think the more that we can come back into the present moment we've got to breathe and feel it but we've got to pull ourselves out of it,

We've got to pull ourselves out of it in order to be discerning.

99% of the time it's not useful,

99% of the time and in the beginning particularly,

99.

99% of the time it's nothing useful,

The biggest part of the practice is just bringing yourself back into the body,

Feeling the fear in your body,

Breathing,

Creating space for it to exist,

Big breaths,

It's okay that you're here right,

It's okay,

Talk to it,

It's okay,

I got you,

I'm going to create a little space for you,

Allow you to be here,

I'm not going to tighten up around you,

I'm going to give you some space and using sound,

Looking around,

Grounding yourself back here and then by doing that then oh,

A moment ago I thought the tigers were circling,

Now I see they're not,

So now from this state of feeling okay,

Of being present,

Of being more grounded,

Was that thought useful?

Was there anything for me to gain from that?

And then you can really look at it and see like well,

Was worrying about what that person thinks about me helpful?

Was thinking,

Was going over all my past mistakes helpful?

Was thinking about,

I don't know,

That argument with someone,

Was it useful?

99% of the time it's going to say no,

No,

There's nothing useful to be gained from that whatsoever.

Every now and then it might be something,

Maybe there's a problem in a relationship and you do think I'd like to,

I think I did something,

I maybe hurt that person's feelings and I'd like to just apologize but now you're coming to apologize not from a place of needing them to take your fear away,

Making it about you,

Instead like oh,

I recognize now I probably hurt that person and I don't want to hurt someone,

I know what it's like to be hurt,

So now I'm coming to say I'm sorry,

Not for you to make me feel better but because I understood I could possibly hurt you and that wasn't my intention or something along those lines.

So every now and then there's something,

Something to do but most of the time there's not but we should investigate and then notice again through that lens of impermanence,

Ah yeah,

It just arose and passed away,

It was a little thought,

It was so believing,

So believable,

Really,

Really thought I was in danger a moment ago and then it just went away right and just seeing it through that lens of impermanence and then just keep practicing and again and again right,

Sometimes you let the fears get a little bit,

You get a little too entangled in them,

Okay,

No,

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No I'll bless your heart for sharing that thank you yeah it's always and so just yet it's just constant practice it's constantly seeing this seeing how all these things are arising as we talked about and I think you were on the class yesterday this isn't Sue from Canada is it let's see which suit this is I think this is it was oh no Sue from Florida right so we have Monday Sue and Sunday Sue um uh well yesterday we were talking about really seeing uh paying attention to how all these conditions are arising and passing away and arising and passing away and how our perceptions of ourselves right our perception of reality is arising through all these different conditions our own little filter right our own past memories and experiences our views opinions and beliefs our current mood how we're feeling at that particular moment being really aware of that how we are perceiving reality through this filter everyone having their own unique filter which is the filter is changing moment by moment by moment as well and so to to recognize like oh I'm especially if it's at the end of the day maybe you had a stressful day there was a lot going on you had a bunch of disappointments your filter is just prime in that moment to want to start stewing about some things right start making mountains out of mole hills and and just recognizing ah I'm just feeling a little down I'm feeling a little disappointed a little bit of stress I know that's why I'm seeing something in this particular light right because I because our perceptions skew everything and so the more that we can also recognize our tendencies under certain conditions our current mood having such an effect if we're in a great mood and everything's going really well and you just got off a meditation class and you're feeling really good and seeing things clearly and right things don't bother us so much right like oh yeah what what they're doing over there no problem or person kind of gives us a funny look or says something to us like line we did something wrong they say something like oh no problem they're probably just having a tough day right we kind of let it go but then the day that we're really stressed and we've been we've overscheduled ourselves which we'd love to do which we shouldn't do we have to be careful that right on those days all those same little things that happen now all of a sudden going through our filter of our just just our current mood affecting it so much right oh why did they say that to me they shouldn't have said that to me they shouldn't have told me to move faster or whatever it was like how dare they do that to me like people are just I'm so tired of people telling me blah blah blah blah right we get lost in our fears and then whatever starts there as the mind starts going around looking for more things and then let's pick up all those old fears what's going to happen to me later what's going to happen to me in my job I'm not going to be successful enough what's going to happen will I find a partner or not oh no what's going to happen there oh they these guys what if these ones over here don't like me what if I'm not included over there because we just start going out it's like the sonar going out and we will find all of these things and we just get wrapped up and wrapped up and wrapped up of it instead of just recognizing oh I was just tired I was already a little bit stressed and that's why I was missing the filter was skewing my perception of reality someone just said something to me that was yeah maybe a little bit short maybe a little bit unkind maybe someone cut in line or whatever it was right it's like yeah just something happened but my perception of reality was so skewed just because of the previous conditions of it was just I was tired I was stressed and just recognizing that like oh oh that's what was going on right okay let me breathe come back oh and we used the example yesterday because every time we get lost in our perceptions of reality which are not reality based on parts right all things that are based on parts are impermanent just arising and come out of being and every time we get lost in our perceptions of reality the center is a little me a little me that's wounded a little me that was criticized a little me that's losing a little me that's not getting what it wants and that little me is changing all day long like a little we used a little example of soap bubbles like literally just all day long one bubble after another after another bubble constantly changing you never see yourself the same way from one moment to the next and so just to remember the impermanence of all of that oh yeah the same nature as a soap bubble the fears and the center of the fear is a little me that's afraid so a little me that's afraid right and it's just it's of the same nature that image of me that's afraid is the same nature as the soap bubble comes into being through parts and it will go out of being when those parts change and so the the image of you coming into being right the filter whether it starts just on another thought and eventually lands back there something triggers a memory we have something happens a disappointment whatever it is that brings it up it is being shaped through this filter and then arising but it's impermanent it's just like the soap bubble it's just like the soap bubble nothing solid there because it's going to change a little bit later and then you're going to feel oh everything's okay again then there's a little image of you okay and then there's a little image of you a little different again a little different again a little different again and be careful of any image any image even the good image the image of me being happy the image of like an image of it be happy be peaceful be at ease don't have an image of it the moment you have an image of it right that's just half of it the other half is the the the happy image is the other the other side is the sad image right whatever the good image is there's always a bad image whatever there's two sides to every image so not getting lost in any image either just know oh here's the image of me as a success right something went really well at work and you got a lot of praise and enjoy it yay remember grateful yay that was nice that was good enjoy it but then just let it move through you don't create an image out of it because eventually then the next image is going to come along and you want to see that all of these images are not you are not you and so as these images then arise in the future you just go oh yeah especially when you're feeling a little bit low a little bit down you're feeling sick and you go oh of course i can see why that image wants to arise but it's not me there's no more no more identification with it because it's just a little bubble it's just going to pop later another one but but there's no more reaching out and making something out of it it's like oh i can see it but there's no more identification with it so see them as little bubbles see if that helps if that works gary i'm just like a soap bubble yeah that class should be up on insight time in a couple of days for those of you that weren't on it yesterday actually i think you can watch the recording right now i think it's on there right now i think you can watch the live recordings um i think they're there for a couple days i need to check that but it's probably right there you can go back and watch that class if you want to although we've been on this class now for 90 minutes so probably you're done with classes for the day um so why don't we go ahead and uh why don't we go ahead and end our our time together just see from richard one more oh great thank you richard again for those suggestions i'm gonna i'm gonna look at that book as well yeah inquiring who is it that feels this yeah yeah that's a good way to a really good way although a little bit just be a little careful in the grief not especially while there's something real going on you do want to feel it too maybe allow it to move through you and then ask the question who is it that's feeling this all right so thank you all and lucilla we are all sending you love sending you lots of love and jg just saying someone just lost her mom but you i didn't see the previous message maybe the the woman that wrote the book i think you were talking about the book so thank you liby thank you liby lu and uh yeah oh oh your friend just lost your mom i'm so sorry jg one of my dearest friends just lost her mom as well kira oh just broke my heart broke my heart right and this is where just as a quickest thing i was doing a lot of tonglen practice for her compassion practice as a way to be with it so jg you can do this is where tonglen compassion practice really comes in to help us to be with the pain and suffering right to open our capacity for compassion okay thank you everyone so just as a reminder we'll have sunday sangha next sunday at 11 o'clock mexican standard time and then um which is mountain time in the u.

S and i haven't scheduled it yet but of course we'll have mindful mondays as well next next monday thank you all so much

Reviews

such a rich talk. it’s been 15 months since my beloved Ray died. my new normal is crying everyday and i don’t look at it as good or bad. it’s an expression of my love. my biggest takeaways from your talk were; just like me thousands of people are experiencing this— and to thank Ray for this gift. I love Mary Oliver’s poem she said came to her in a dream after her long time partner died. Someone i once loved gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.
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Wow, what an incredible session! Although I am very happy to have found Meredith here on IT a couple of months ago, it would have been great knowing her in 2019 when I experienced the loss of a loved one. I LOVE the idea of the drinks and I know I would have benefited from this ritual, it is genius! I highly recommend Meredith to anyone and everyone who reads these reviews. I love everything about her live sessions and she makes the recordings of these sessions available here on IT. She shares great stories and I have already learned a lot from her. Thank you, Meredith! Namaste 🙏🏼💕