Being Kind to Your Future Self

In our third dharma talk in this seven-part series on kindness, we begin by looking at the research behind kindness to remind us of how powerful kindness practice is to our well-being and happiness - and to our spiritual path. Then, taking some of this knowledge into what's happening in our brain when we are kind, we apply it to acts of kindness for our future selves. By framing our choices in this moment through the lens of an act of kindness for our future self, we understand the implications of each choice, leaning our choices towards better outcomes.

Transcript

We are up to the third week of our seven-part series on kindness.

And I know it probably seems like we're spending a lot of time on kindness,

Like we're really giving a lot of attention to kindness here.

Seven weeks is a lot of time.

And the reason for that is just because of how much we take kindness for granted.

How much we all readily agree that kindness is a good practice,

That we should be kind to ourselves,

That we should be kind to other people.

We all are on board with that.

Like no one's really going to disagree with that.

But then we turn around and we are so quickly unkind to ourselves.

We're beating ourselves up,

We're judging ourselves,

We're belittling ourselves,

Maybe we're judging someone else.

So unconsciously,

We are unkind mostly to ourselves a lot of the time.

And kindness really is a serious,

Serious spiritual practice.

The Dalai Lama says,

My religion is simple.

My religion is kindness.

And I don't think we would dispute anything the Dalai Lama is saying about that.

It is an integral part.

And if we look at the Buddhist Eightfold Path,

The Buddha's prescription for enlightenment,

For awakening,

Kindness is through the whole path.

In right intention,

In right speech,

In right action.

The instructions are,

With our thoughts,

With our words and our actions,

Don't do any harm and do good instead.

Be kind.

In right effort,

The sixth factor on the path,

Where we are cultivating and nurturing positive mind states and minimizing and abandoning negative mind states,

Kindness is a positive mind state.

Right?

The more that we practice kindness,

The more positive mind states that we have,

Minimizing the negative mind states.

So we're applying the right kind of effort.

In mindfulness,

Kindness is a big part of mindfulness,

Of accepting our experience,

Of not judging what's happening,

Of being able to be with it,

Like we talked about last week with self-compassion,

Right?

A mindfulness practice,

Being able to move closer to our pain,

To our hurt,

To our disappointment,

That's kindness.

And on the last factor of the path,

Concentration,

Samadhi,

Meditation,

Being able to concentrate our attention single pointedly on an object.

If you've been unkind all day,

Good luck with that,

Right?

Your mind's going to be spinning around in a million different directions.

But when you've been kind all day to yourself and to others,

You really set the good conditions to be able to focus your attention.

Your mind is not as disturbed.

So kindness is really,

It is part of the spiritual path.

It is not an optional part of the path.

It is an integral part of the path.

And I want today to give a little more gravitas,

A little more seriousness or credibility to kindness.

By bringing in some of the research of kindness,

A little bit of the neuroscience,

What's happening in our brain with kindness.

And this will also dovetail really well into our kindness practice this week.

It will give us some understanding why it's,

Why it works,

Why it's so effective.

In the Journal of Psychology,

There was a study done where they were trying to determine whether or not your happiness levels,

Your sense of wellness,

Of well-being changed depending upon who you were being kind to.

If you were,

Was it different if you were kind to a friend or a stranger or if you were being kind to yourself or even just in observing a kind act?

And what they did,

They practiced kindness for seven days,

All types of different kindness.

They had different groups focusing on different people.

And what they found was that it didn't matter if you were kind to a friend or a stranger,

Kind to yourself,

Or just observing an act of kindness,

That everyone reported feeling very similar levels of being happy,

Of the sense of well-being,

Of feeling good.

And of course,

We know the reason for this,

It's the connection,

Right?

That kindness is the expression of our understanding we are all connected.

That's why it feels good no matter who you are extending kindness towards.

And kindness is also contagious.

And there was a study done,

A study in collaboration with UCLA and the University of Cambridge where they tested this out using this economic game.

And they had certain participants were instructed to be generous with some of their winnings.

So they could somehow kind of give it to a random other player in the game.

And what they found was that when someone was generous with them,

When someone gave them a little bit of extra of their winnings,

That person passed it on.

And then the recipient there passed it on to the next person.

That kindness is contagious.

And there's a really somewhat famous story that came out of Winnipeg,

Canada.

It happened at a Tim Hortons,

I think back in 2012.

Tim Hortons is like a donut coffee shop where one customer,

He comes through or he or she,

They come through the drive-thru,

They order their coffee,

They get their coffee.

And when they go to pay for their coffee,

They offer to pay for the person's coffee behind this.

Now this was relatively new back then.

We all know this pay it forward on the coffee now,

But this was probably what started it all off.

And you can imagine the cashier like,

You want to pay for their coffee?

Like,

Yeah,

Yeah.

Like how good they're feeling.

And then when the next person comes up,

The next person just thinking about their day,

All the things they've got to do,

Maybe they've got to go to the office and they're in their head and they just want their coffee.

And as they go to pay for their coffee,

They're told,

Oh,

You don't have to pay for it.

The person in front of you paid for your coffee.

And you can just imagine that feeling like just a simple cup of coffee,

Like three or four bucks for a cup of coffee.

Like how good they would feel like,

You've got to be kidding me.

They're not even here anymore.

They've already gone.

They've already left.

I can't even thank them.

What a beautiful gift of kindness.

And that person then said,

Okay,

I want to pay for the person's coffee behind me.

And 226 people later,

It continued on until eventually I guess the morning coffee rush was over.

There was no one left behind.

226 times this kindness was passed on.

And you can just imagine in that Tim Hortons,

Like the cashier,

How excited,

Like,

You know,

Being a part of this transaction,

Getting to tell each person,

Hey,

Your coffee was paid for and sharing the joy with that person of the kindness of finding out that their coffee was paid for.

And then,

And I want to pass it on to the next one.

And you can imagine in the restaurant,

The rest of the workers and maybe the customers as they're probably yelling out,

Like we're up to 10 people,

We're up to 50 people,

We're up to 200 people,

Right?

How this would have been this contagious effect of everyone being really happy,

Of everyone feeling really connected,

Forgetting their troubles,

Right?

Mostly our self-created troubles for a few moments and waking up in that moment,

Remembering we're all connected and kindness connects us.

And it also gives us a little,

Or our brain with kindness gives us a little neurochemical cocktail that also feels really good.

And it does depend though,

On what type of kindness you are practicing,

Depending upon what type of cocktail you get.

And researchers at the University of Sussex,

What they did was they divided kindness up into two types of kindness to see if there was any difference in how their brains were responding to kindness.

And they had strategic kindness and altruistic kindness.

Strategic kindness where you're looking for something in return.

You're looking for maybe a,

You're looking for a favor,

You're looking for someone to do something for you.

Maybe you're looking for some praise,

You're looking for some recognition,

You're looking for something in return.

That's kind of the motivation for your kindness,

You're looking for something.

And then an altruistic kindness,

You are not looking for anything in return.

You are simply being kind because of that connection.

We're all one and sharing that connection.

Now if you are,

Whether you're practicing strategic or altruistic kindness,

In both types of kindness you get a release of dopamine and serotonin.

And we like these neurotransmitters.

Dopamine,

It gives us that motivation,

That energy,

That focus to go and get the reward.

And serotonin just kind of gives us that sense of well-being,

Of feeling good.

It's kind of a mood regulator.

But if we are practicing altruistic kindness,

Our brain says,

Hey,

I'm going to give you a couple more neurotransmitters.

I'm going to give you some endorphins.

We like endorphins.

Really make us feel good,

Reduces our stress,

Reduces our pain.

And also oxytocin,

The cuddle hormone,

Increasing our capacity for empathy,

For trust,

For bonding.

So our brain giving us more of these feel-good neurochemicals when we're practicing altruistic kindness.

Now,

In the study at the University of Sussex,

They did not deduce what I am going to share with you,

The reason of the difference between strategic and altruistic kindness.

But the difference is the ego.

Because anytime the ego gets in there,

Right,

Where we create an image of ourselves,

And I really caution this in the first class when we were practicing random acts of kindness,

To not focus on that image of me as a good person or me as a kind person,

Because that image will turn into me as a bad person.

It doesn't stay fixed as the good person,

Creates a little bit of tension.

It doesn't feel good,

Right?

I was saying,

Stay focused on the connection.

So we kept it altruistic.

But also,

If we're creating an image of a me who's going to get something,

It's going to be so good when they return the favor.

It's going to be so good when I get the praise.

It's going to be so good when I get the recognition.

This is all the ego.

And then it sets us up for possible disappointment.

Because maybe that person doesn't do the favor for us because we did something kind for them.

Maybe they don't do what we want them to do.

Or maybe it starts out as altruistic kindness.

We're doing something kind for someone else.

Maybe we're baking them a cake,

It's their birthday.

And as we're making the cake and we're feeling good about making the cake for them,

If we're not careful,

If we're not mindful,

We start making an image out of it,

Of how good it's going to feel when they get the cake.

And it is going to feel good.

But now we start imagining how they're going to praise us and how grateful they're going to be.

And we really amp it up in our mind of just how great it's going to be because we are imagining what their external behavior is going to be like in thanking us.

And most times,

People just don't thank us in the way that we expect them to.

It could just fall a little bit short.

Right?

We kind of set people up in that way and we set ourselves up in that way,

Where we think,

Oh,

I'm not doing that again.

They weren't really very grateful.

Right?

Or if we've done a favor for someone and we were hoping that they would do a favor for us,

We'll say to ourselves,

I'm not doing anything for them anymore.

Right?

So in this way,

Strategic kindness has that potential to lead to less kindness,

Less kindness in the future.

So we are practicing altruistic kindness here,

Always focusing on the connection.

The neurochemicals,

It's a bonus.

And it's very temporary.

These neurochemicals,

They're very transient.

They come and they go.

That feeling,

It's a nice feeling.

It's good to know that if we're practicing altruistic kindness,

We probably won't fall into that dopamine disappointment then.

So we won't be on a roller coaster ride.

It's a nice feeling to get the neurochemicals,

Enjoy it.

They're temporary.

They're not going to last.

The real thing that we're focusing on is the connection.

That sense of belonging,

That sense that we are all one,

We're all part of a tapestry,

That we all affect one another.

I mean,

It's just a bonus.

It's a bonus,

The chemicals.

It's our brain saying,

You know,

Attagirl,

Do that again.

That was a good thing because it is very pro-social behavior.

And while we're practicing altruistic kindness,

We're not doing it because we want anything in return.

In all likelihood,

At some point we are going to need help and people are going to be there to help us.

And this is why our brain is promoting it,

Saying,

Yeah,

Do this.

This is good behavior for you.

And understanding this,

The neurochemistry of kindness,

We are going to practice kindness this week on our future self,

Doing acts of kindness for our future self.

We make a lot of bad choices in this moment that really negatively affect our future self.

When we choose the french fries over the salad,

Who pays for that?

Our future self.

When we decide to lie on the sofa all afternoon instead of go for a walk or go and meditate or even just read a book,

Who pays for that?

Our future self.

Our future self is always paying the price for the choices that are being made in the present moment because we delude ourselves into believing that somehow I can make this bad choice now.

But in the future,

I'm not going to want to do this anymore.

In the future,

I'm going to want to eat salad over french fries.

I'm going to want to get up at 4am and meditate for two hours.

But right now,

I want to hit the snooze button.

And we're not thinking about our future self in this moment.

And it's really evident when we think about the holidays over Christmas.

When we tend to,

People tend to party a lot during Christmas,

Drink a lot of alcohol,

Eat a lot of sugary,

Salty food,

Stay out too late,

Spend too much money,

More money than they have because we have this idea that my future self come New Year's Day isn't going to want to do these things anymore.

My future self is not going to have any more stress.

My future self is going to have all the energy in the world to do all of these good things for myself.

Of course,

What happens when we get to New Year's Day?

Maybe we make it through the whole day with our New Year's resolution.

But inevitably,

We don't.

We falter,

You know,

At least on day two or day three,

Because all of those things,

All of those choices we were making just made future self feel really bad.

So now I've got the extra weight.

I've got all these credit card bills that I've got to pay,

Right?

And now I've got more stress than I had before.

So your present self,

You know,

Future self is now present self,

No longer happy,

And then goes back in making all of the bad choices again.

And it's so sad because we want to be that idealized version of our future self where we make good choices today that affect our future self in a positive way where we feel good.

Like we want that.

And when we look at our choices through the lens of kindness,

I'm going to do this as an act of kindness for my future self.

Our neurochemistry changes in a way that helps us make the better choice.

Just thinking,

I'm going to do this for my future self.

We've got maybe a few extra minutes before maybe you're waiting for someone,

You're waiting for your partner,

You're getting ready to go out,

And you've got a few extra minutes and you go to reach for your phone thinking,

Oh,

I'll check email,

Text,

I'll check the news.

You pause for just a moment and you think,

Hang on,

I'm being nice to my future self.

I'm trying to be kind to my future self.

Maybe I'll just put the phone down and I'll just close my eyes and breathe for a few moments until my partner's ready to go.

And then you feel good,

You feel better.

And you go out to dinner and instead of making the unhealthy choice,

Maybe you make the healthy choice because you realize it feels better.

Your future self is benefiting this,

But we can't underestimate that dopamine and serotonin really helps us to make the better choice.

The dopamine giving us the energy,

The focus to be able to make the better choice.

The serotonin,

We already feel good,

And the dopamine too makes us feel good.

We feel good,

We're not in that deficit state of needing something to feel good,

We feel good simply by having that intention of doing something kind for our future self.

That every time we do this,

That we go and exercise instead of binging on Netflix,

Every time we do the dishes instead of letting them sit there for hours and we think,

Oh,

I'm going to do this as an act of kindness for my future self,

Instead of leaving our taxes to the very last minute,

We do them as an act of kindness for our future self.

And we feel good every single time.

But it's the dopamine and serotonin really does make a difference.

So we can change the way we,

Change the choices and the actions that we tend to make,

Always driven on this short-term pleasure,

Short-term happiness,

Because our future self is always paying the price for that short-term happiness now.

Sure,

Those first few French fries feel good.

As soon as you get to that last one in the bag,

Your future self's already paying the price for it.

So really using this,

Just seeing or practicing kindness,

Doing acts of kindness for our future self,

We end up becoming the future self that we have hoped our whole life to be,

That does all of the good things that make us feel good.

We finally start to be that person.

And I'm not saying that we don't ever get the French fries or we don't ever watch Netflix or you guys know me or I don't ever get the Diet Coke.

I'm not saying that,

Right?

But some balance and doing it not from this,

Again,

This lack,

The state of lack,

But maybe you come home and you are tired and you do want to lie on the sofa and watch something,

But you say,

You know,

But out of an act of kindness for my future self,

I'm just going to go for a walk around the block first.

I'm just going to sit and meditate for five minutes first,

Do some journaling,

Do some contemplation,

Do something good for my future self first.

And it really changes the way we then come to these other things that we're still going to do.

We want to have balance in our lives.

And I do understand that this probably sounds a little bit odd because we're mostly talking about the separate self and how we're trying to see the illusion of the separate self.

And here I am now bringing in a future self.

But just like in self-compassion last week,

Where we talk to ourselves in a kind and loving way,

It dissolves the separate self in this moment because it's the separate self egging us on,

Come on,

You deserve it,

Meredith,

Go get the Diet Coke.

It's kind of egging us on and egging on our motivation reward pathway in a different way,

Right?

This kind of gets us more focused on the longer term goals,

But it tends to dissolve it because of kindness.

All of a sudden I feel good now.

We feel present.

Yeah,

I'm going to make the better choice.

I'm going to go for the other option.

So we've got three practices that we're up to now with kindness.

And being kind to our future self is our primary focus this week.

Like if we're thinking if we have a big circle in the center,

Being kind to our future self is our primary focus.

But we've got these little spokes that we're building up on the outer edges.

So we're still doing random acts of kindness,

Thoughtful acts for people that we know.

We're still practicing self-compassion,

Being kind to ourselves.

But our primary practice is to be kind to our future self.

For you to see for yourself,

Does it make a difference?

Does it make a difference?

That's what all this is about.

We're setting it up and then you go explore for yourself.

See if it makes a difference.

I wouldn't suggest it to you if it didn't.

But go and see for yourself.

And then of course,

Following the intention,

Action,

Reflection,

Waking up in the morning first thing,

Placing your hands over your heart and having that intention.

How am I going to be kind to future self today?

Maybe I won't hit the snooze alarm again.

I'll get out of bed and meditate.

That could be a kind act.

Maybe I'll go for a walk around the block.

Instead of looking at email this morning,

There's nothing life shattering there,

Earth shattering there,

Right?

I'm not a brain surgeon.

Anyone can wait a few minutes,

Right?

I'll make a healthy choice for breakfast.

Yeah,

That'll be really good for a future self.

And really be thinking about that,

Like having that intention of how we're going to be kind for our future self.

Because again,

We're starting to release those neurochemicals that get us out of bed.

I'm like,

Yeah,

I'm going to go be nice to future self right now.

I'm going to sit,

You know,

I'm going to sit and meditate.

I'm going to exercise.

I'm going to do some reflection,

Some prayer,

Some contemplation.

I'm going to do something good for future self,

Right?

And then you get the benefit of it.

And you don't get the benefit of it.

I don't know because no one's tested this theory out,

But I don't know whether it really is altruistic or strategic kindness.

But there is no room for disappointment.

We are pulling the ego out of it.

And there's no room for disappointment because you are not going to be disappointed that you didn't snooze,

You know,

Hit the snooze alarm five times,

And that you got up and meditated or worked out or made a healthy breakfast.

You're never going to be disappointed that you did that.

You will be disappointed if you didn't do it,

If you kept hitting the snooze alarm.

So you're not going to be disappointed.

And then of course,

Throughout the day,

We're practicing,

We're doing the actions,

We're being kind to ourself.

Look through that lens.

It changes.

I mean,

It changes our brain chemistry.

And it changes the way we are looking at our acts of being kind to our future self.

And every time we do that,

Our future self,

Who then is our present self,

Is very grateful for that choice that was made because we feel good.

And then at the end of the day,

The reflection.

Hands on your heart again,

Right?

The last thing you do before you close your eyes,

Right?

Or as you close your eyes,

Reflect on all of the good choices that you made.

All of the times that you did the harder thing.

You made a little,

You put a little more effort in and how good that feels.

And really staying focused on that feeling of connection that's there because even just for our future self,

Right?

It feels that connection,

Right?

We feel it.

We feel good.

So practicing kindness to our future self.

This is our practice this week.

Test it out for yourself.

See if it works or not.

We've tried the old model,

Deluding ourselves about future self is going to be different.

Never seems to change.

Try this.

Try kindness.

Try being kind to ourselves in a little bit of a different way through a little bit of a different lens.

Reviews

This is so wonderful! I'm eager to apply the practice of being kind towards my future self. It makes so much sense. Thank you 😊 a light has been turned on for me.

Namaste 🙏 thank you for the kind words you have shared with me ❤️

Dear Meredith, my future self (and present self) are grateful for your encouragement of acts of kindness. Thank you. Sending kind, good wishes.

The Tim Horton story was incredible!❤️I’ve never thought of future self before…. That was so helpful, thank you 🙏🏻 ☺️

Dear Meredith, thank you for this which finds me the last few days learning how to treat myself nicer. I got seriius back injury that had to do with lots of pressure at home and more. Hugs from here to you at Mexico 🙏🏾🦋🪷