Not Good Enough

Do you struggle with the belief you are not good enough? Today, we examine how our own limiting beliefs can hold us back from true happiness and self-acceptance. When you start truly believing in yourself and seeing your value without any other external validation, you will know and feel it in your core - that you are good enough.

Transcript

Hello loves,

And welcome to another episode of Love This Bitch.

Today we're going to talk about the thought,

I'm not good enough.

Probably something that we'll visit on several episodes.

But today we're just going to talk about how that thought can come about and some of the thought work that can be done around this one particular way.

So a lot of times something happens or a series of things happen very early in our lives during our childhood that create this feeling of not good enough.

And with myself and with many of my clients,

Some of that can be from our relationship with our parents.

So as humans,

We have what's considered kind of a long period of time where we need our parents to take care of us.

So as a baby,

You look for ways to please your parents.

You want to make your parents happy and keep them happy so they'll take care of you because you can't feed yourself,

You can't walk,

You know.

So you try to connect with them and bond with them so that they will take care of you.

And then this is also just part of human bonding and experience in our lives that we live in these family groups and our parents take care of us and provide for us.

And we seek to fit in and to belong to our family.

And for much of our lives,

We also lived in a tribe where the tribe accepting you and keeping you as a part of the tribe kept you alive.

I think I've mentioned this in several episodes.

If you got kicked out of the tribe,

You would starve to death or freeze to death or another warring tribe would,

You know,

Kill you or capture you.

Any of those things could happen.

So for a long time in our lives,

We needed this tribe.

And then probably for most of us,

We are all humans.

So we were born into some sort of family setting where there was an adult figure,

Whether they were our biological parents or not,

An adult figure or figures that we needed to take care of us.

So we have this very natural tendency and desire to bond with the people who take care of us,

With our parents,

And please them and make them happy.

So unfortunately,

Because we're all flawed humans,

And especially with us being in a state of development with our minds and how we think about things,

There can be mixed messages along that process and in our childhood that can lead to this feeling of not good enough.

You know,

If our parents,

They tend to want us to be happy,

And they want good things for us.

And those thoughts of what would be good for us and what would make us happy come from their own experiences in life.

So if there's something that they've experienced that they've struggled with,

They can pass on limiting beliefs,

Like if they struggle with money,

They could pass on the belief that if you don't have money,

You can't do things.

It's scarce,

It's hard to get,

And it's something that will limit you.

So those self-limiting beliefs can be passed down.

They can also be,

If they struggle with money,

It could be a thing where it's like,

You need money.

I struggled,

I had to struggle,

I had to work,

Back-breaking work and grind it out and couldn't spend time with my family or had to sacrifice this,

This and this to have enough money to take care of you.

And so you have to have a career that makes a lot of money so that you'll be safe and happy.

So when you take those thoughts and the things that your parents define as success and happiness or the things that they believe are limiting,

That can come across to you as a child as standards,

Like their standards for success are the standards.

You have to be a doctor to be successful.

You have to go to a certain school or you have to marry the right person,

Whatever it might be.

Those definitions of success can come to you to be a standard of you meet it or you don't,

Right?

You're not good enough if you don't do those things.

And then you can also carry on limiting beliefs,

Other limiting beliefs besides not good enough.

But today I'm focusing on not good enough.

So for me,

My parents,

They did,

They wanted what was best for me.

And my mother and father were both very poor and my mother,

Particularly,

She struggled a lot with it.

They didn't have indoor plumbing.

They didn't have heating and air.

She told me about in the winter,

You could see your breath in front of your face in the house and you would clean the floor off and see the chickens through the cracks in the floor and you would eat whatever was caught in traps.

And sometimes you wouldn't eat much at all.

Like,

I think she talked to them about just flour in a pan.

And so for her,

And she struggled and my father struggled and they sacrificed and they saved money and they provided for me and my brother and we had,

We never wanted for anything.

We were very well taken care of.

But you can see how they would want us to avoid some of the pain and struggles that they went through and to not have to go through those things.

And so I had these thoughts in my mind from the things that my mother encouraged and my father encouraged and they wanted for me that brought me to the conclusion,

Like they did not have this conclusion,

Right?

They didn't ever say this,

But that I wasn't good enough,

Right?

I didn't go after any of the traditional careers that people think are successful and make a consistent,

Decent living.

You know,

Like I didn't become a lawyer or a doctor or anything like that.

And I never really felt like I achieved anything that was good enough because I was waiting for this outside validation,

This approval from my parents.

And the truth is,

My parents weren't ever going to be like,

Oh,

Yes,

You did it.

Great.

Good enough.

Right?

Because there was no one achievement that was going to take care of me for the rest of my life.

And that's what they're worried about,

Me being okay for the rest of my life.

So that was their focus and what they were wanting and looking for.

And you know,

I was looking for recognition and acknowledgement from them that all the things before that were good enough.

So we were on different pages.

And I think that can be very common.

And even when you're able to communicate or talk with your parents,

I mean,

My parents weren't the kind that were like,

Go to this school or go to law school or go to medical school.

They did leave me to my own interests and to seek the things that I had interest in.

And I know some parents are like,

You're going to go to this school because it's the best and you're going to go into medicine because you're going to be a doctor and you're going to be great.

But it's still the same concept.

They want you to be taken care of and happy.

And they know that if you have what they think is this great,

Secure job that's going to provide you with money and happiness and fulfillment and all the things that they feel like maybe they didn't have in life or even if they had them that they want for their children,

That's what they might push those what we believe to be standards on us.

But it's truly just that underlying belief that they want what's best for us and this is what's best for us.

So if you see that,

Maybe you see that and that's something that you've struggled with.

I know it's very common and something that I've had to work through and many of my clients that they will believe that one or both of their parents do not love them or are not proud of them or don't think that they're good enough.

They take that very hard and to heart and they have these thoughts that I must not be good enough if even my parents don't see it,

Then I can't work on that thought,

Lisa.

I can't believe that thought's not true.

It must be true if my parents think it.

So all that to say,

First off,

You do not know that your parents that they think that you're not good enough.

You can possibly know that.

Even if they told you that,

You wouldn't really know the thoughts behind them saying that.

And I say that because sometimes a person can be like,

I don't like you.

And you're like,

OK,

Well,

That's true.

They don't like me.

Sure,

But it's still not about you.

They might not like you because you have something that they wish they had or there's something that they thought was a limit in their life and you've overcome it and that causes them pain or whatever it might be,

Some thought that they were triggered in their own minds from,

You know,

Their interactions with you.

But it's still all about them and their thoughts.

It's not actually about you.

So even if for some reason you have parents that have told you that you're not good enough,

You don't know where that's coming from.

It could possibly even be,

Even though,

You know,

It may,

It's not,

I'm not saying it's a good way or a right way or I support it,

But it could even be like someone could think that that would be a motivator to you.

And whether they believed it or not,

They could say it.

So the point is,

Is that we don't really know other people's thoughts or feelings or why they have those thoughts and what triggers it.

And then also whether or not you're good enough is not dependent on anyone else's thoughts or feelings.

Even your parents,

You know,

The thought that if my parents don't think I'm good enough,

Then I must not be.

That is just an optional thought that you have.

You have value as a human life,

And that is the fact.

You have value and worth because you are a human being and you are alive on this planet.

You don't need anyone to validate that in any way.

Not that it's not nice when other people see it too.

I see it.

I see it when you're listening,

I see your value as a human life.

And it can be difficult,

Right?

Give yourself compassion if your parents,

You know,

If you have that thought about your parents,

Whether it's true or not,

Or even if they've said something to you that you feel conclusive on the matter.

You know,

You can have compassion for yourself,

Absolutely.

That sucks.

But you can work to change those thoughts and you can work to have self-compassion and believe in yourself.

Love yourself and see your own value without any other external validation,

Whether it is from your parents or anyone else.

And when you see that value and you know that you have it intrinsically and you don't have to earn it,

You don't have to have success,

You don't have to have money,

You don't have to have any achievement or goal that someone has set for you or hoped for you or shared with you,

Whether it be your parents or anyone else,

You don't have to achieve any of those things to earn it,

And you don't have to have someone else's validation that it exists.

It just does.

And that is many times the heart of the work is believing that.

But in this particular situation where we're talking about it coming from parents and from their desire to see us happy and healthy and successful,

But how they,

You know,

May push certain beliefs or standards that they have as to what they are and to what that means,

You know,

What's important there is to acknowledge that you don't know exactly what it is that they are thinking and what they want and that you don't need their validation of your worth,

Of your career choice or of your life choices,

Right?

You only need your own.

And I also think it's important to allow that to open up vulnerability and communication with you and your parents if you have a good relationship with them.

Like for me,

For example,

Just because I had this sense of not good enough because I thought that they had these standards that I needed to live up to,

Now that I've done the work,

You know,

I can see it and I know that they just want me to be happy,

Right?

So I can communicate that to them and be like,

Nope,

Not a doctor,

Not a lawyer,

But very happy.

I have a great career.

I have my own business.

I am financially taken care of.

And no matter what,

I'm going to take care of myself and I'm happy,

You know,

And I can communicate that to them so that they can see that those,

You know,

Fears that they have that I won't be taken care of or that I won't be safe are not true.

You know,

They can have some relief from those fears and worries perhaps.

Or maybe a parent is never relieved from those fears and worries.

But that's a communication that we can have now that I am okay,

I am good,

I am happy,

And I have goals that I set and achieve for myself and that is my success.

And you know,

I am successful.

And so I think that that's a beautiful place to be,

To be able to communicate that with your parents so that they can see that they don't have to encourage you because they probably think of it as encouraging you to pursue a certain relationship or pursue a certain career or a particular opportunity,

You know,

Or do X,

Y,

Or Z a certain way.

I mean,

They're your parents,

Right?

They're probably always going to try to parent you and lead you in the way that they think is best.

But you can have that open communication with them so that they know that you're happy and taken care of and,

You know,

Create that relationship there where you know that it's not about you being good enough and they know that you're happy and taken care of so everyone can rest a little easy.

They can go to bed at night not worrying and fearing for your future.

And you can go to bed at night knowing that your parents love you and you are good enough as is with or without that approval.

But you generally,

Many of us have it and still don't even know that we have it.

So you know,

Whatever happened in your childhood,

Whatever standards you think that your parents had for you that you didn't meet or school teachers or maybe some religious or other community that you grew up in,

You know,

Those are not shoulds.

You may think of them as I should do this,

I should do that.

My parents say I should,

My school says I should,

My religious upbringing says I should.

But there are no shoulds.

These are collections of thoughts and feelings of other people for what they think is best and,

You know,

What they believe will make you happy.

And the truth is,

Is they don't know what will make you happy.

And they don't know what's best either.

They're just trying to figure it out just like you are.

And we're all human and we're all going to make mistakes on that journey.

But ultimately,

What you want is what's more important,

Not any list of shoulds or standards from some other person.

Trying to chase that and achieve validation is never going to work because you have that root fear that you're not good enough.

So the goalposts will always be moving.

Anytime you achieve a standard or a goal,

You'll be like,

Well,

But there's all these other ones that I didn't meet or,

Well,

Yes,

I achieved it,

But I didn't do it as well as so and so or as fast or as soon.

And there's always going to be more evidence to support your belief that you're not good enough because that's what your,

You know,

Our minds,

They are bombarded with so much information that they like to be right.

And so once you get an idea in your head,

Your brain just looks for things to support it.

So if your belief is that you're not good enough,

Your mind is going to look for ways to support that,

To look for all your failures and times that you thought you didn't measure up and remind you of those and not look at all the successes and the things that you did well and that you learned from and your growth.

So digging in and doing the work on that core belief that you're not good enough is crucial.

Questioning that belief and why you have that belief and not necessarily what particular thing might have happened to create that belief,

But the thoughts behind it,

Like why are you not good enough?

What standards do you think that you didn't meet?

What do you think you need to be good enough?

Look at all those thoughts and question those and start,

You know,

Doing that work and working through that so that those thoughts loosen their hold on you and you start to see that they're not true and they don't serve you.

And you can start to do the work to love and accept yourself just as you are.

And that's what all the work is about and it's the key to being yourself and being able to love and accept yourself and to be happy.

That happiness comes from your self-compassion,

Your love for yourself and your belief in your value at the core.

That's what enables you to love yourself,

Forgive yourself,

Take action without fear of judgment and failure and rejection.

All of that comes from that core understanding that you are good enough and that you don't have to fear because you're good enough and you're out there doing it and learning and failure is just part of your process and your growth and you also have success and being able to see those successes because you believe in them and not just being able to see the negative because you're trying to confirm that belief that you're not good enough.

And this is just one way that it can manifest itself in your life is from fearing that you've missed some standard that your parent or some other mentor or leader in your life has for you.

And so question those thoughts and those standards.

Is everybody,

For example,

Who's a doctor successful and happy?

Definitely not.

Is everybody who went to that school that your parents wanted you to go to healthy and happy?

Definitely not.

Are there people who failed out of high school and are still happy and successful?

Absolutely.

Are there people who didn't marry the right guy right out of school that are happy and healthy?

Absolutely.

So none of those standards are absolutes.

You haven't missed any cutoffs and you're just not good enough.

You are good enough just as you are and you can be happy and healthy and live the life that you want wherever you are as you are.

And those are important truths to see and to let go of this idea of not good enough and know that if it came from kind of the stuff that we've talked about that there was probably just actually a lot of love behind it and behind the standards that were pressed upon you even if you have the thought,

The optional thought that they were pressed on you a bit too hard.

You know,

Regardless of that,

There was hopes there for your happiness and your health and your future.

And you still have that and that's what's important even if that wasn't the hope behind it.

But it's very possible that it was.

So start to question that and let go of the idea that you're not good enough and that your parents don't think you're not good enough and so you must not be.

You have value just as you are regardless of anyone else's thoughts.

But your thought that they don't think that you're good enough is probably not true as well.

But again,

I think it,

I know it,

And I encourage you to really start questioning that thought and looking into ways to loosen its grip on you because it's not true and it does not serve you.

And you have this one life and you can live it and love it and be happy and experience it without being in your head all the time and telling yourself how worthless you are and how you're not good enough.

You don't have to keep going like that.

You don't have to live in that prison with those thoughts.

I was there.

I went through it and it was hard and it was painful.

I had my family.

I had a good career.

I was loved and happy and taken care of.

But because I had those thoughts that it wasn't good enough,

I wasn't good enough,

I was absolutely miserable.

And my depression got really bad.

You've probably heard me tell my story before.

I mean,

I was on so much medication and I was seeing so many doctors and I was trying everything they said,

Exercise,

Sleep,

Water,

Yoga,

Meditation,

And I still felt miserable.

And not that those things aren't great.

I mean,

I love yoga and meditation and those are very helpful things.

But on their own and before discovering ThoughtWork and working with a life coach,

They just weren't getting it done for me.

And I'm glad I saw doctors and that I went to therapy and I understood the underlying issues and that I had medical treatment options because I don't know how I could have kept going as long as I did without it.

But it kept me going until I found ThoughtWork,

Until I hired a coach and we dug in and saw how that belief that I wasn't good enough was underlying so many of the things that I struggled with in my life,

Even sometimes down to a disagreement over an email.

I remember very vividly calling my coach one day and I was like,

I don't know how to explain how I'm so upset about this email.

So I kept trying to explain and it unwound into this whole diatribe about my life and wasting my life and not being good enough.

And that's why I was so miserable and so angry about an email.

So this is real stuff and it can affect your life.

But I want you to know that I've been there.

These tools,

These practices work.

And if you can pick them up and learn them from this podcast,

Absolutely do that.

That's amazing.

That's what it's here for.

I don't want you to live like that anymore.

I want you to take your power back and to be free of the thought that you're not good enough and to love your life and to experience less anxiety and to go after your goals.

I want all those things for you because I was there and I made it through and it's amazing and I'm so very grateful for it.

So apply this and I hope it helps.

If you want to dig deeper,

If you're like,

This thought is entrenched.

I am not good enough no matter what I do.

Reach out to me.

I'll be happy to discuss one-on-one coaching with you and how to really work together and apply this to your life and change your life.

All right,

Loves.

Thank you so much for today and I hope that you have a great weekend and just remember to be kind to yourselves.

Love yourselves.

Take care.

Reviews

I needed this today. I’ve been struggling with the leftover childhood feelings of not being good enough for my whole life. The last 2 days have been the worst. This talk helped me realize I don’t need validation to be me and that I’m perfect the way I am….it’s been long enough and time to take my power back.

Thank you ❤️

Thank you. I needed that reminder that it's not about me but about them and I'm still good enough whether or not others (mainly family) approve of what I say/do/look like/dress like.

Just what I needed hear! I just moved to a new place and the idea of job hunting is giving me anxiety. I wasn't sure why, but I thought about it and realized I wasn't feeling good enough. This helped me see how I do not need any external validation and how I am amazing simply because I am human💫

Great

Most definitely one of the biggest things (if not the biggest) that I struggle with. I hadn’t really thought much about earlier origins of it, but it makes sense that it would have started super early, and while we may think it could have been something that came about later in life, it likely only just surfaced again from something much earlier. Gave me a lot to think about. Really great talk.

And your laugh is wonderful (*ˊᵕˋ*)

Very interesting and thought provoking.

Thank you for an authentic, inspiring message of encouragement ❤