Mindfulness And Self-Compassion
Mindfulness is a balanced awareness of what’s truly going on. Mindfulness makes us aware when negative narratives start running wild so that we can stop them before we start catastrophizing. We can have compassion for our pain without additional suffering. It also allows us to take note of the qualities that we love about ourselves and learn to recognize them when they’re showing up. If you’re ready to learn how to incorporate mindfulness into your daily self-compassion practice, please listen. Note: Contains some adult language
Transcript
Hello everyone and welcome to Love This Bitch,
The self-compassion podcast.
I'm your host Lisa the life coach and I am here to help you along your journey of learning to love yourself and you know be free from that harsh inner bitch.
But to still love her she's just trying to keep you safe right?
She's got your best interests at heart.
She's just a bit misguided on the best ways to take care of you.
So I talked to you a bit before about the basic components of self-compassion.
Self-kindness,
Common humanity,
And mindfulness.
So just as kind of a review the self-kindness is learning to relate to yourself with more kindness right?
Instead of beating yourself up and you know that harsh inner critic that tells you all these horrible things about yourself you become a person like who puts a supportive arm around you and is a cheerleader and an encourager and you know you become that person for yourself and show yourself that self-kindness which helps build that emotional resilience to show up as yourself because you know that you're not going to beat yourself up for being you and for having human flaws and imperfections right?
So we talked about instead of being super critical of those you know human flaws that we learn to be supportive and encouraging and help you know move ourselves towards our goals with love and support because shame and criticism don't work.
They've not been working so far right?
They've been achieving despite that.
And so that's kind of a summary again of the self-kindness part.
And then you know the common humanity is connecting with the human experience and knowing that you are human.
You have flaws you know you have reactions to things just like everybody else right?
We all suffer.
We all get annoyed.
We all have pain and we don't always handle situations the way we wish we would have right?
But that's part of life and it happens to everyone.
So that helps you not feel isolated right?
You don't build walls around yourself of people seeing you and who you really are and all your flaws and how horrible you are right?
It helps you to tear those walls down because you're like hey I forgive people all the time.
I love people who are flawed you know and they love me because we're all flawed right?
It's just part of our human condition.
So you know you learn to connect to that common element of suffering and also you know the good the love and being in this together right?
And the third part is the one that I really want to focus on more today is the mindfulness right?
Being aware of the moment and the things that you are experiencing in the moment but also you know and being able to not resist or avoid the emotions that you're having but to process them and allow them which can be very difficult for us because we we want to just feel better and squash anything that feels negative or scary.
And so that's part of the mindfulness is being aware and you know checking in with ourselves how do we feel and acknowledge you know acknowledging when we have that pain you know or that suffering going on whether it's from you know our own self criticism or you know whatever it may be it's okay to take a moment to be mindful and acknowledge what we're going through but at the same time we're not going to get lost in these negative storylines and the dramatization of our lives which is what many of us struggle with.
I know I've been there just locked in your head with all these negative stories you know illustrating all the horrors the horrors you know everything just can become you know a momentous occasion of suffering and pain when it you know it's not right but we make it that way we create that in our minds and it's very common right don't beat yourself up for it your mind wants to you know create that and exaggerate that and you know ruminate on those things because it thinks that that will keep you safe and keep you from coming across that again but it won't because it's just an emotion or feeling it's not a tiger right that you need to avoid it's an emotion that you can process and manage and handle so you know mindfulness is that balanced awareness of what's going on right you may be suffering but the world is not ending you may you know be having a moment of pain or rejection but that doesn't mean that you're unlovable and everyone hates you so you know you're allowing your feelings but you're not living and dwelling in the negative feelings right and so an example of that is like you know if something goes wrong if you make a mistake or don't live up to some standard you know you you might think well I'm a failure I can never do anything right I'm always messing up so see that would be the dramatization the getting into the stories in your head like this is me I'm a screw-up I'm a failure and that's not the mindfulness that's stepping out of the present moment which is just that a mistake has occurred a standard was missed right and that sucks right but it's not the end of the world you're not a failure it's not the end you're gonna learn you're gonna pick yourself up you're gonna keep going right so that you know mindfulness is very important to acknowledging that you're suffering without exaggerating it and allowing it to take over so you know you want to be present you want to acknowledge that this is a moment of suffering and pain but not live in that story forever and that's you know one of the important parts of of the mindfulness connection and you know mindfulness is very important to building awareness right you practice being mindful and being in the present moment so that you can be aware many of us have these negative narratives that start kicking up when things happen in our minds and it's just so it's second nature it's the way that our mind goes and any kind of situation like that and we don't even really notice it I you know share this this story with clients a lot when I'm working with them when I first started you know working with my coach and actually becoming aware of things you know I found out what the difference is between kind of knowing something or thinking that you know it and actually having that moment where you're aware in the moment that it's happening and you're like oh I see and you can step in and be like this is not right and I'm gonna make a change here and so this is what happened I you know as I had started to work with my coach and feel you know more compassion for myself and I started to not dwell in my own negative storylines as much and I had less anxiety and one of the first things that I noticed as a result of that was that I thought about others more because I wasn't you know preoccupied with my own suffering and the stories that I had going on in my head so I started to think about my friends more and just how much they meant to me and how special they were and you know I started to wonder about the things that they struggled with in their lives and you know I was just able to be more open to that and have more space than I had before so it was a holiday had come up and I texted three of my best friends and I sent them messages you know about how thankful I was for them and how special they were to me and you know just just wanted to reach out and tell them how much they meant and I sent the texts and so because I you know have had anxiety and depression and OCD and inattentive ADD and I've been to doctors and I've been in therapy and all that stuff I knew that I had what they would call you know negative self-talk right I knew that I spoke to myself negative to negatively right but I never had awareness and that was the moment for me when it really clicked you know because my friends responded back to me and you know it's a holiday they were all busy they were all with family they had things going on and they said thanks and that was it thanks and my mind said see your friends don't even like you right they didn't say anything back about how they cared about you or what was good about you they just said thanks and that was the first time that I was really aware and I was like wait a minute these are my best friends that I've been friends with them for years one of them since like fourth grade and I was like they love me they've told me that and they've told me reasons and things that they love about me just because they didn't do it this one time and then I you know I was like so this is so not true I'm not gonna believe this thought and then I even realized I was like you know what if they had texted back and told me good things I would have been like well I mean you know they had to right because what else are you gonna say I just said something good to you so I realized in that moment that my mind was those were just the patterns that it was gonna go to it just was not gonna believe right that my friends liked me and it was just a perfect a moment of awareness to see how that storyline played out in my life and you know how it affected me because you know in the past I would have just let that play and I would have you know spent however much time for the rest of that day until something else came along thinking you know about what a horrible person I was that my friends didn't really like me and right and that they just tolerated me and so that you know that's part of that mindfulness and that being aware it's taking it beyond just knowing that you think of yourself negatively you know because if you really think about it you'll be like yeah I know from time to time but when you start becoming aware then you really see these horrible things that you're telling yourself on a regular basis you know every every time something bad happens you're telling yourself I told you you couldn't do this I knew you would fail I knew you would mess up you always mess up right and then if something good happens you're saying well that's because of someone else's contribution or you know it was good timing and it was just you know the right time for this or the right moment and things just worked out it really didn't have anything to do with me right we're all that we have that confirmation bias going on looking for the bad stuff confirming for us that nobody likes us we're we're merely tolerated because we're horrible so it's important to you know become aware of that so that you can switch that track right when it starts playing you're like oh this is the I'm horrible track and nobody loves me yeah I know that one I'm gonna play another one instead and that's part of you know where coaching comes in teaching you to be aware of that but also helping you work on that new track right because sometimes it takes a process you don't always you know jump to oh yeah you're right everybody loves me and I'm the best thing ever right because you might not believe that and you probably don't right now but to start working on that you know you practice that awareness and you're like oh I I see that my mind is thinking that I you know that nobody likes me that's interesting I noticed that my mind has that thought sometimes instead I'm gonna think that there are things to like about me right surely you can you know that that could be a possible neutral thought for you maybe if you're willing to believe that there are some things about you that someone might like right that's a first step you know what is the quality that I like about myself right oh well I do like my sense of humor right and I know I have friends and we go to the movies together we always like to go to the movies together because we have the same sense of humor and we have a good time laughing at you know the same jokes the same movies so then you know you can build up to that and start looking at things that you like about yourself and that other people like about yourself so that you get to that goal thought you know through the process through the stairs or the ladder of yeah I love myself and my friends love me right I have value because I'm a human being and I'm unique and I'm me and there are people that love that so you can get to that point you might just have to take the little baby steps and that's okay but it's very important work because one you're suffering you're suffering by beating yourself up all the time and believing that you know no one likes you it's causing you additional pain that you don't have to go through right life is good and bad you know it can be even 50-50 sometimes that there is pain and there is suffering but well you know they say that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional so but that there's semantics there but you know you don't have to suffer and beat yourself up and feel miserable or even people you know come to tears over the fact that they think that they're unlovable and that nobody loves them and meanwhile they they have people in their life who love them and who would do anything for them and so that you know that suffering is going on for no cause whatsoever then you know just our our minds and our overactive survival self-protection guide that's trying to you know keep us in the tribe keep us on our toes so that we don't get kicked out of the tribe and die which we you know I've discussed before it's it's not gonna it's not gonna happen that's that's not something that we have to worry about anymore but you know when you're able to be mindful of that and start working on that and showing yourself self-compassion it improves your relationships because you're not suffering you're not constantly worried if your friend is going to be offended if they're going to you know leave or reject you or stop talking to you because you know you have your own back and you know your reasons for the things you do and for who you are and you know you know the place that you're coming from and who you are and you're happy with that and you know that anything that comes up that you'll handle it right you guys will work through it you understand that they're human and you have flaws and they understand that about you and you know you can have that open communication and talk about things instead of just constantly worrying and trying to figure out what it is you think they want from you how you think they want you to behave or speak right and so you know you have things like that going on you're not being yourself you can become resentful because you're trying to be the person you think they want you to be and you're probably not succeeding because you don't know what they think right and you can't ever be this you know person that you think they want you to be because you don't even know you're just having this the story in your head all about them and you and who you should be we don't have to do that right you can be yourself and have that vulnerability with the right people the people close to you and be open to them and it will become an exchange right as a relationship that's built on trust mutual trust and respect and just understanding and acceptance and that will be much deeper than you know you trying to be someone that you're not in order to meet some alleged standards that you think someone else has for you and you know it also allows for you to step out of your head and be mindful and be in the moment and really be with your friend right if you're with someone and all you're thinking about is why did I just say that do I sound stupid what if I say the wrong thing did I just offend them you know you're not even present you're not even really there in the conversation instead if you have that compassionate support for yourself and you know your heart and you know you know that you're not stupid that you're not trying to offend anyone right and you can just show up and focus on the conversation and just listen and really hear who they are and where they're coming from right and get to know them on a deeper level because you're truly present in the moment you're not in your head you're not scared you're not anxious you know you're not focused on fear you're not in a survival mode you know fight flight freeze you're just present you're just enjoying their company and listening to them right and that is something that you know they could be happy about I mean we don't control other people's thoughts and feelings but it will create you know a deeper closer relationship when you're able to be present with them and just enjoy them and listen to them right that that's what you want right you want a friend to you want to truly be heard you want to feel heard and seen and accepted so in order you know for your friend to feel that those things that you want in order for them to feel that from you you have to be present if you're in your head and you're thinking about all the reasons that they might reject you and not like you then you're not really there you're not seeing them you know you're seeing them as a source of validation that you need that you feel that you need an outside source of validation instead of seeing them for who they are you know and appreciating and enjoying the things that you like about them you know as I said that's what you would want that's how you want them to be you would like them to truly see you and to hear you so you know loving yourself is a very unselfish giving thing because you're able to really hear them and see them and not be worried about your own situation or you know your fear of failure or rejection in that relationship and finally another reason why it improves your relationship and this is something that you know I went through and I realized in mine my friendships is that I thought that these women were amazing but one of the main things that I thought was amazing about them was their ability to put up with me you know I was like I'm a handful I'm so difficult and they tolerate me and that's amazing right and so when I was able to let go of that a little bit right loosen my grip on that then I was able to see you know all the other amazing things the things that actually drew me to them not just their ability to tolerate me right so I had been doing them a disservice you know thinking that their best quality was that they were very patient and forgiving people I mean patience is a virtue and you know forgiveness is a beautiful beautiful thing and they have those they do have those in abundance but you know each one of them also has their own very unique and amazing qualities and the way they view life and friendship and the things they do and the things that they say you know sometimes one of my friends says the craziest things that are just unbelievably hilarious and she'll tell me about having gone somewhere and said something and she's like they just don't get it they didn't laugh they don't get it and I was like they absolutely don't because you are hilarious and you know it's that that's a special connection there that shared sense of humor that we have and there's all kinds of you know little beautiful moments and things like that with my friends that are amazing you know about them and about our friendship and all of that was not you know at the focus at the forefront of my mind when I was just looking at them as just pillars of tolerance right as you know people who I was grateful for because they tolerated me and kept me from being completely you know alone the truth is now I quite enjoy being alone but I also love being with my friends who are not with me just because they tolerate me they're with me because we're friends because they see things in me that they that they love and enjoy being around and you know that has led to for me like an improvement in those relationships because I think about them more and I'm more thoughtful to them and I you know want to communicate with them more you know I'm not exhausted and drained from my life and my anxiety anymore so that helps but you know I'm not thinking well you know I could I could reach out to sit to so-and-so right now and talk to them but you know I don't want to bother them I don't want to get on their nerves right I don't have to worry about that anymore I'm like hey I want to know what my friend's doing and if she's busy she could say she's busy right she just doesn't want to talk to me today she can just say she's busy like it's fine I'm not gonna make it mean anything about me because it doesn't you know she's got stuff going on she's got stuff going on and if not then she's like oh it's Lisa I love her this is great I'm so glad she called right you don't have to have those negative stories in your head that people are tolerating you that you're bothering them you're annoying them they don't want to hear from you right that's a disservice to your friendship and it is painful for you and it's unnecessarily so right there in your life because they love you and things about you they're not just tolerating you have self-compassion yes learn work on that relationship with yourself but give them also some credit for you know all of their amazing attributes and not just your belief that they can tolerate you so that's what I wanted to bring to you guys today just to you know have you start practicing that mindfulness and that awareness of the extra drama the negative narratives or storylines that start playing in our heads that cause all that unnecessary suffering when when things you know aren't exactly how we would want them right circumstances and other people's thoughts and feelings are out of our control we can only control our thoughts and feelings you know and how we feel and how that leads to our actions and our results so you know take back that control and when the track starts playing that you're a failure you know this always happens to me I can't do this this is too hard for me nobody likes me people just tolerate me you know whatever the situation that makes you know that those tracks start playing step back and have that awareness and be like hmm I notice my mind's playing this track again and I'm gonna have to just switch the tape out and play a different one you know one that's true one that serves me and you know builds me up and helps me have the kind of life I want you know the track where everybody makes mistakes failure it might suck maybe really it's just a thought and I can just use it for feedback to get stronger to get better and go at it again or maybe I do have some parts of me that are harder to love but people do it I do it I love all parts of my friends and they love all the parts of me right I'm lovable I know it might take some time still to get to the I'm lovable but you can do it just start practicing that mindfulness and that awareness maybe do some meditation maybe try journaling that's definitely something that I'll talk about a lot on the show the power of journaling you know I find that it helps to write you know every day five things that I'm grateful for and then I've recently started doing five successes you know five things that went right that day and it kind of helps you bring that to the forefront a lot of my clients when they're working on self-compassion I will have them write down you know some good qualities about themselves so maybe try you know to write down two or three good qualities about yourself for a week right like something you know you say at the end of the day you sit down and you're like oh well you know I saw somebody drop their groceries at the grocery store and I you know I had a lot going on and I had all my own stuff too but I you know I reached out and I wanted to help them and I picked their stuff up right I like that I'm helpful and you know start looking for those things and being not just aware of when the negative track plays but be aware of when qualities that you like about yourself show up you know and you can be like oh yeah I like that about me right so try working on that a little bit and you know just being mindful of when those stories in your head start spinning out right from a simple typo in an email to I'm gonna get fired and get kicked out of my house you know just be aware of that catastrophizing when it comes up and we'll get into this in other ways and on many other topics in the future so I will let you go for today but I just encourage you to go forth in love love yourself and accept yourself for who you are just like you would your friends the people that you love and are close to you right be that friend to yourself as well okay and if you want to follow me on Facebook or Instagram you can look for me Lisa the life coach will always put links and stuff in the show notes so you can check that out there feel free to join my Facebook group the love ease or if you have any questions or you want to talk to me about working with me and truly investing in yourself then you know shoot me a DM and reach out and I would love to help you really dig in and dig deep on that relationship with yourself and you can see how it changes your entire life overcoming anxiety achieving goals you know better relationships just everything everything is affected by it so get out there and shine and love yourself.
