Dealing With Rejection

Let’s face it, we will all experience rejection at some point or another in our lives, likely multiple times. But, many of us still allow a fear of rejection to lead our thoughts and behaviors. While fear of rejection has a historical origin, that does not mean we have to give in to this fear. Understanding rejection and realizing that it’s way less about you than you think allows you the freedom to be yourself.

Transcript

Hello my loves and welcome to Love This Bitch,

The podcast that teaches you how to love yourself,

All of yourself.

Today I'm going to talk about rejection.

I get asked about rejection quite a bit and obviously self-compassion,

Loving yourself,

Is the cure for dealing with the fear of rejection.

Because when you're able to truly love who you are and accept yourself,

Then you are able to show up as your authentic self without the fear of rejection.

Because you know that you love you and you're happy with that.

And that there are people out there who are going to connect with you and they're going to love you as yourself and you really are.

And that is going to be better relationships for you,

More honest relationships for you than from people who you have to try and put on a facade for or who you're trying to please or impress in some way instead of just being free to be yourself.

So that self-compassion is absolutely crucial to creating more genuine relationships with others.

So people often say that the relationship that you have with yourself is the most important and that's completely true because the better your relationship with yourself,

The better your relationships with others will be.

Back to rejection though,

A lot of people want to talk about managing their thoughts and their feelings around rejection.

So there are kind of two main reasons why we fear rejection.

The first is biological and it's based on survival.

When we used to live in tribes as humans,

The tribe meant safety from predators,

Exposure from other tribes.

It was a means of providing and taking care of each other and making sure you had food and safety.

So essentially if you were kicked out of the tribe,

That was a death sentence.

That was not good for you.

So our brains learn to search for any indication that we weren't fitting in with the tribe in order to keep us safe.

So that doesn't really apply anymore.

We don't live in those tribal communities.

We don't need tribes to survive.

You just need Amazon Prime.

You're going to have your food delivered straight to your door in a package.

No tigers are going to jump out and eat you.

No warring tribes.

It's just not the way we're set up anymore.

But our brains are kind of late to that party.

So we still have that innate fear of being kicked out of the tribe.

And also in childhood,

Humans have a very long development period.

And so we depend quite a bit on our parents to take care of us.

And so we learn to do things to enhance the bond with our parents.

We learn what behaviors and facial expressions and things like that will make them happy.

And we seek that approval because we need them to take care of us.

So it's highly ingrained into us as a survival mechanism to seek support and belonging and acceptance.

And these are all good things and we can still have them.

We just have that overdrive to protect that at all costs and with all people,

Which is not possible.

You can't please all people.

So that creates that fear of rejection and yet it's bound to happen.

So it is important to learn to manage it.

And then the second reason besides that survival instinct in our brain,

The second reason that we fear rejection is because of what we make it mean about us.

We fear our own internal reaction and judgment.

When we experience rejection,

We use that to validate all of our internal beliefs about our own perceived flaws and shortcomings.

You know,

Essentially that belief that we are just not good enough.

We use it to continue that story in our head and beat ourselves up and we use it as proof that we are somehow inherently unlovable.

And we're just really harsh in the way we talk to ourselves a lot of times.

And so we don't believe that we're lovable.

And when we face rejection,

You know,

We make ourselves miserable and we dwell on it and we just take it as a confirmation that these thoughts that we have about ourselves are true.

That these terrible stories that we tell ourselves about how we're not good enough and how we're worthless that those thoughts are true because we were rejected.

So this is a very big topic,

A very big issue because rejection can happen in your career,

In your romantic relationships,

In your friendships.

You know,

Anytime you're putting yourself out there,

You can face rejection.

And since we know that if we're rejected,

We're going to make ourselves feel like crap and confirm all these horrible internal beliefs,

We try to protect ourselves by not doing things that could lead to rejection.

So you know,

For your career,

That could mean not speaking up at work,

Not sharing your ideas,

Not applying for a promotion,

You know,

Not looking for a new job that fits you better or even starting your own business.

It could be any of that.

And then,

You know,

Romantically,

We don't ask people out,

We stress out about dates and dating and we think we're going to end up alone and with a bunch of cats.

And then,

You know,

Even in friendships,

You can have those friendships that are,

You know,

Strained or difficult because you're trying to impress someone or seek their approval instead of just showing up as yourself and being honest about,

You know,

Who you are and your needs and just really connecting with them.

You know,

Instead,

You're constantly wondering what they think about you.

Did you do the right thing?

You have to go to their party on Saturday.

How long do you have to stay in order to be a good friend?

You know,

You're not really thinking about,

You know,

Them or acting out of love for them.

So you know,

That fear of rejection affects every area of your life.

And it's just because you don't want to take that chance that your belief that you're unworthy could be true.

And well,

Let me stop there and tell you,

It's not true.

You know,

We all,

Many people,

We struggle with that belief and it is simply not true.

And that is why we have this podcast because I want you to learn to love yourself and,

You know,

How to manage your mind and your thoughts around things like this.

But what we do is we spend so much time,

You know,

Trying to be who we think someone else wants us to be,

Trying to impress other people and gain their acceptance or validation that we are worthy or that we have value and trying to do things that we think would make them happy.

And that just leads to even more misery because we can't make other people happy.

Just like our thoughts cause our feelings,

Other people's thoughts cause their feelings,

Not us.

So since we can't eliminate rejection,

Right,

By making others happy,

And if we try to just avoid any chance of it,

We miss out on so many opportunities,

Then we have to learn to manage our mindset regarding rejection.

So aside from self-compassion practices to learn to love yourself more,

There are some mindset things that you can start contemplating to work on and self-coach with.

The first thing to learn is to not take it personally.

And that seems extremely counterintuitive.

Like if someone rejects me,

How is that not personal?

It's not personal.

Again,

People's thoughts and opinions about you really don't have anything to do with you.

It's all about their own thoughts,

Which have come from a lifetime of experiences and thoughts about other things years and years before they met you.

And all of that comes together and creates their thoughts and creates the synapses in their brains,

And then something triggers those synapses and their mind goes down their similar thought patterns that they always have.

Like they could not like you because you look like someone who rejected them in the past.

Maybe a girl laughed at them at a middle school dance,

And they might not even consciously realize it.

It might be subconscious,

But you remind them of that person.

Or maybe they're suffering from their own internal dialogue and they think that they're worthless.

And,

You know,

They think that you're out of their league,

That you're above them,

You know,

And that could make them feel angry or defensive,

You know,

Or just reject you before you can reject them.

You really don't know.

That rejection is completely going on in their mind and based on their thoughts and feelings.

And just because the output that you see is that you're rejected doesn't mean it has anything to do with you.

It just means that they decided to pass up on that opportunity.

And you know,

You experience this yourself,

You know,

You know lots of people.

You've probably met thousands of people in your life,

And some of them you like and some of them you don't.

We don't like everyone.

And people choosing to like you or not like you,

It has nothing to do with your worth as a person or how lovable you are.

You know,

Even if you look at a celebrity who makes their living essentially being adored by millions,

So that those people pay millions,

Right,

To see their movies,

And you can still go online and find other people,

You know,

Hundreds of thousands of people saying horrible,

Terrible things about them and they hate their movies and they're,

You know,

They're ugly,

They're stupid,

All kinds of things,

Right?

Nobody agrees.

There's nobody who's just universally loved by everyone.

So you know,

Everyone you meet will have different thoughts and feelings and those are based on their experience and their life and their thoughts and actually not you at all.

You are kind of just like a picture hanging on a wall and you know,

An art exhibition,

Right?

People come in and they interpret the paintings and what they mean and you know,

What the artist was trying to say.

And that's just all their opinion.

The painting is just laying there or hanging there on the wall being a painting.

And that's all you're doing,

You know,

Or another good way to look at it is like think of the people that you know that you think are amazing,

Right?

You probably also know people that don't agree with you that they're amazing.

I actually,

You know,

Had experienced this recently with one of my best friends.

There was a couple of women that,

You know,

Did not like her.

And that's baffling to me because she's one of the most amazing people I've ever met in my life and I can't imagine any reason why someone would not like her.

But such people do exist.

Or an example that I use a lot,

You know,

I've heard other coaches use it,

You know,

Say you go to a party,

Right?

And I've used this with a bunch of my clients so you've probably heard this before.

But if you go to a party,

Right,

And you walk up and you meet Bob and Susan.

So the three of you are all having a conversation together.

You're meeting Bob and Susan for the first time,

Same time,

Same conversation.

And you know,

Susan could walk away from that and be like,

You know what,

Not for me.

And Bob could think,

She's pretty cool,

I like her.

So you just had the same conversation with Susan and Bob,

The exact same interaction,

But they both walked away with different thoughts about you.

Well,

You are the same,

Right?

So it can't be about you.

It has to be about their own thoughts and feelings.

And this has happened to you,

Because you've probably gone out to parties and met people in groups and some of them liked you and some of them didn't.

It's their own thoughts and feelings.

It's not about you.

There's a famous quote that I think is attributed to Deedee Von Teese that says,

You know,

You could be the juiciest peach in the bunch,

But you're still going to have people who don't like peaches.

Something to that effect.

And that's absolutely true,

Right?

People just have different tastes.

It's nothing personal against peaches.

You know,

My mother and my nephew love peaches and I do not.

I don't even like the way they smell.

So you know,

I have no personal issues with peaches.

I'm just passing up,

Like no thanks.

So that's a good way to think of,

You know,

Rejection from other people.

Like doesn't mean you're not an awesome juicy peach.

It just means that peaches aren't for them.

And you know,

You can't please other people and you can't make them happy.

Even if someone were to write out an instruction book for you,

Like on how they think that you should behave,

Their ideal way that you would act.

If you think about that,

If you think about if you did that,

They probably still wouldn't be happy,

Right?

Like you would still do things and they were like,

We need to tweak this.

We need to do a rewrite on the policy here.

So you know,

If they don't even know exactly what's going to make them happy,

Then you surely can't figure it out and perform it.

Execute it to perfection every time,

Right?

And so,

You know,

Why jump through all those hoops to try and elicit this approval from another person when you can show up as yourself and not take the rejection personally,

You know,

And find those people who do think that you're a juicy peach and that they love peaches and they want to hang out with you and be around you.

And then you get to just be yourself.

You never have to think about how you should act or what you should do or how to earn their affection or attention.

You just get to be yourself.

Doesn't that sound much better?

Because when you're trying to do things that you think someone else wants,

You're not being yourself.

And,

You know,

That's not selfish to not try and,

You know,

Create this sense of happiness that you think you're giving them,

But you're not because their happiness is based on their own thoughts.

But you're actually depriving them of an honest relationship with the real you because you're trying to do these things out of this place of I should do this or I think this is what I should do to make them happy.

I have talked about this a lot with my clients and on my other podcast about,

You know,

If a friend and I had plans for dinner and she was thinking that she should have dinner with me,

You know,

It's been a while or maybe something was going on in my life and she's,

I should be there for her.

I should do this.

But you know,

She's thinking it that way.

Like she should,

You know,

She's got her own stuff going on.

She's busy.

She's just drained or whatever,

You know,

Having those thoughts.

Those are all thoughts.

But if that's how she's thinking and feeling at that time,

I don't,

I don't want her to have to come out to dinner with me,

Right?

I want her to take care of herself and whatever she needs to do and then come back to me when she is like,

Oh my gosh,

I want to hang out with Lisa.

We,

We need,

We haven't talked in forever.

You know,

I want to hear her thoughts.

I want to hear her laugh.

You know,

I want my friends to come,

You know,

To me with,

With that,

To show up with that kind of feeling.

Not,

I should,

I should go to this event that my friend's throwing,

You know,

I should make a casserole even though I,

You know,

Worked all week and I want to stay home in my PJs with my hubs.

You know,

We don't actually want that kind of relationship with others.

We want something that's born of love,

You know,

And connection and a desire to hang out.

But so often we enforce that on ourselves,

All these ways that we should act to gain that approval.

So,

You know,

When you love yourself and when you are in real relationships where you're not trying to avoid,

You know,

Rejection,

Then you're able to have,

You know,

More honest relationships to be yourself and to show up in a way that honors you and who you are and honors your friend and the friendship that you have.

So that kind of got off on a little bit of a tangent there about relationships.

But,

You know,

Rejection is something that happens.

No matter what you do,

No matter who you are,

It's going to happen.

You can't please all the people.

So you know,

Why not be who you really are and find those deep,

Real,

Honest connections and build those and,

You know,

Create that life that's in alignment with who you are,

You know,

And that fulfills you and that allows you to truly add value to the lives of those around you.

You are worthy.

You know,

You deserve love and you can get all that from yourself.

And when you do that,

It takes the pressure off of your other relationships.

You're not seeking validation from other people and,

You know,

You're happy with who you are and so you're able to give and you're able to give yourself,

Your real self,

To other people.

So,

You know,

You will find your tribe and you will find people that you resonate with and click with.

You don't have to hide.

You don't have to live in fear of rejection,

Right?

You can be yourself and have,

You know,

These fulfilling,

Meaningful connections in your life and that comes from,

You know,

Overcoming that fear of rejection and having enough love for yourself to show up as your authentic self.

And you know,

It takes time to learn not to take rejection personally and not to,

You know,

Let the fear of rejection hold you back from things.

It's,

You're not just going to wake up tomorrow and not be,

You know,

Fearful of that because it is ingrained in you biologically for that survival.

Again,

You know,

It confirms for you those negative thoughts you have about yourself.

So you have to work on overcoming those negative thoughts and loving yourself and,

You know,

Realizing that it's not personal and it's definitely not the end of the world.

When you face rejection,

It's worth it.

It's worth the effort and the time to work on it so that you,

You know,

Can go after the things that you want in life without that fear holding you back.

And you know,

The benefits of showing up as your authentic self and being able to allow other people to take it or leave it,

Those are immeasurable because,

You know,

Your relationships,

Like we said with those people who,

You know,

Choose to take it,

Will be much deeper and more satisfying than relationships where you're constantly trying to,

You know,

Validate yourself through another person.

So you know,

Just remember that rejection is not fatal.

You're not going to get kicked out of the tribe.

It's not personal.

It's not about you.

It doesn't mean anything about your value or your worth as a person.

It's not about you.

You are a peach.

So if you're thinking about this and it sounds interesting and you'd like to,

You know,

Help with actually putting it into practice and applying it in your life and you want to work with me one on one to develop,

You know,

Self compassion so you can live your life boldly even in the face of rejection,

You can fill out the client questionnaire on my website or you know,

Reach out to me on Instagram or Facebook and we'll set up a free consult call to talk about if we're a good fit and how I might be able to help you love yourself more and achieve your goals in life.

So until next time,

I challenge you to love yourself fiercely.

Reviews

So meaningful. I really want to remember this from now on. Thank you.

Thank you! Needed this today

I totally loved every word of this podcast 😊 Rejection happens frequently in our lives and know how to deal with it is super important.
Thank you for your words 🙏🌈

Insightful and explained in a sweet Ann Hathaway-kind-of-way (not that I know AH)

Dear Lisa,

This was priceless.

So grateful for you.

Mary