Emotional reciprocity exists when you provide empathetic support to someone and when you're in need,
That person meets you at an equal level to provide you back with that same level of empathetic support.
It's a mutually beneficial relationship with balanced levels of give and take.
Relationships that are grounded in emotional reciprocity provide some of the deepest meaning in life.
As a giver myself,
I used to feel like there was no emotional reciprocity in my life.
But then I stepped back and realized I didn't have to give more of myself than the other person was willing to give me.
I also recognized that I wasn't allowing people to step up when I was in need because I kept my needs to myself.
These realizations created a new framework for how I chose to invest in my relationships.
Those that were balanced earned my time and energy.
And those that were not,
I did not continue to feed.
It was shocking how easy it was to know whether or not there was emotional reciprocity in my relationships.
I would ask myself questions like,
When was the last time this person stepped up for me when they knew I was in need?
Because it's not fair to expect them to step up if they're unaware of the need.
Do I feel drained or filled after spending time with this person?
Is this someone that I can count on in the way that they count on me?
Does this person appreciate what I bring to the relationship in the way that I appreciate them?
After reflecting in this way,
I was aware of ways that I never allowed myself to be before.
It's not that I cut people out,
I just allowed the ball to stay in their court until they wanted to hit it back.
Like how many times is this person going to say,
We should catch up,
When you run into them but never follows up to schedule a date and expects you to be the one to take that step?
Sometimes I was pleasantly surprised,
Other times I was not.
Either way,
I wasn't upset about feeling let down anymore.
I also learned how to talk to people who I love the most in my life to let them know when I felt we were off balance and see if they were aware or if there was something going on that I didn't know about.
I did this in a very intentional way with a girlfriend who had moved abroad and left without saying goodbye.
Sparing you all the details,
We had plans to get together before she left and when I followed up to see when that was going to happen,
She was gone.
I was so hurt.
How could this person I love so deeply not say goodbye before knowing it would likely be a year or more before we'd see each other again?
After mustering up some courage and leaning into my love for her in our relationship,
I told her how the experience made me feel and ended that with,
Emotional reciprocity is something I'm working hard on in my personal life.
And so,
I'm telling you this because I deeply care about you and our friendship and need you to know that I'm still feeling wounded from our last exchange or more like lack thereof.
I believe that we have the kind of friendship that we can discuss these things and move forward from them.
I hope you agree.
Without having any expectation of how she'd respond,
I felt complete knowing I spoke my truth into our relationship and now allowing her to step into that space or step away.
Either way,
I had made peace with it.
To my delight,
She stepped up.
She acknowledged my experience and her role in it and then became quite vulnerable and shared what was holding her back from reaching out.
When I read it,
Tears of joy streamed down my face.
She ended her message with,
I want a friendship with you where we both give of ourselves and feel appreciated in the relationship.
I acknowledge that I failed in this regard and I hope to regain your trust by showing you I am vulnerable in this.
I really value you in your entirety.
My wish is that we can go through this life together ever more honest and open.
Now this is the kind of emotional reciprocity that means something to me.
This is the kind of friend who I'll always be able to speak my truth to.
This is what it feels like to be loved for all the complexities of our human experience.
This is why it's worth it to be brave and speak from a place of loving kindness about your wounds that were usually unintentionally created by the ones who mean something to you.
This concept has created more fulfilling relationships with my husband,
Family,
Professional contacts and friends.
I moved from frustration to reflection and setting healthy boundaries.
Do you know who you have emotional reciprocity with?
Do you speak up about your experience when it's someone who's worth going there with?
Are you aware if you're a giver or a taker?
Will you join me in reflecting on your emotional reciprocity in relationships?
Namaste.
