Four common reasons you struggle with setting boundaries and how to overcome them.
Boundaries create freedom.
That may sound counterintuitive,
But stick with me here.
Boundaries allow you and others to know what's okay and what is not.
When crossed,
Even the smallest boundary can have major consequences for both you and the violator.
They're that invisible internal line that can trigger whether or not you feel safe,
Loved,
Or respected.
One of my favorite quotes is,
Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.
In everyday life,
You often have limits for things like how late you allow your kids to stay up at night,
Or how much money you can spend on a wedding gift,
Or even the amount of time you're willing to sit on the phone with a friend complaining about their job for the hundredth time.
While those may feel apparent,
There are so many more boundaries you don't set,
Or likely even acknowledge that are being violated because you simply don't know how.
Here are four of the most common reasons why you don't set boundaries and how you can fix it so you can create freedom instead of staying stuck in a boundary-less hell.
1.
You're afraid of disappointing someone This is probably the most common form of guilt.
Someone asks you for something,
Like taking on an extra project at work,
And even though you know it means you won't be able to fully enjoy that vacation you've been craving,
You simply say yes because you don't want to disappoint that person who came to you to solve their problem.
How to fix it?
Set expectations to determine how and if you can take on any part of it while also maintaining your limits.
For example,
You could say something like,
Thanks for thinking of me on this project.
I have vacation next week,
So is it possible to start once I return?
If not,
Which of my priorities might we pause or remove to adjust?
You may actually find out that you can wait until you return.
But if you don't speak up and state your limitations,
How can you ever expect the other side to know?
2.
You want to avoid conflict It feels easier not to say anything than to get into a whole ordeal of explaining yourself.
This one is especially true for family dynamics.
Like how many times can you be expected to bake your famous pies for 100 people at the annual family reunion even if you don't have the time or energy to make them?
Especially when people are constantly talking about them and telling you how disappointed they are if you don't have them ready for the taking.
How to fix it?
Take responsibility for your needs.
Realize that it is your top responsibility to take care of yourself,
No one else's.
Have alternative plans so that your needs aren't always dependent on others.
For example,
You might email or text the relatives who are most vocal about their disappointment and provide them with your recipe.
That might sound like,
I know how much you love my pies each year so I wanted to send you the recipe.
I don't have the capacity to bring them this year and I didn't want you to be left out.
So feel free to use the recipe as it serves you.
Who knows,
Perhaps this is the best way for you to carry on the tradition without taking on the heavy lift.
You don't want to seem selfish.
Boundaries are literally a form of self-care.
Sadly,
People often think that taking care of themselves is selfish even though it's critical to our well-being and ability to help others.
How to fix it?
Ask without apology.
Instead of feeling sorry for putting yourself first,
Be willing to let go of old beliefs that don't serve you anymore and ask for change without feeling the need to make excuses.
That might sound like,
Hey,
Are you able to figure out dinner for everyone tonight?
I don't have the capacity anymore.
You don't know how.
You've literally done everything anyone has ever asked you your entire life.
So you have no idea how to say no.
How to fix it?
Have a go-to response like,
Thank you for the invitation,
Unfortunately I have another commitment at that time.
And that other commitment,
That can be to yourself sitting on your couch watching TV if that's what you need.
You'd be surprised how well that works without having to make up a whole story about it.
What you likely don't realize is that whenever you don't set a boundary and then feel like shit as a result,
You're choosing to continue that cycle in your life.
When you decide to honor your values and set boundaries with people and experiences that violate them,
You truly own your power.
Are you ready to experience a whole new level of freedom?
Start setting boundaries.
