Welcome to my short talk on grief and the power and value of rituals with the foundation of creative expression.
Severe grief can arise from the loss of a loved one,
A divorce,
The loss of a job,
The loss of income or of home and contents.
At some point in our lives we all experience severe grief.
And at such times it feels like the world stops turning for you,
You're not participating in the routine of daily life and the pain is unbearable.
You long for a way out,
You would prefer it to pass as quickly as possible.
But to grief you can only surrender.
From the moment the dramatic event occurs there is a before and an after,
There is no such thing as continuing the old way after the grief is over.
And grieving itself is a process,
It needs a time-space separate from the daily routine.
Such a deep experience and emotion forces you to let go of all certainties.
You cannot categorise grief,
You cannot compare yours to someone else's,
There is no pattern of unfolding,
Not how long it will take,
Not about the depths you will go,
Not in what time frame it will end.
During that period we have to go through a lot of different stages,
Not in order because they may occur in different order or simultaneously,
There may also be a return to earlier stages.
According to the Kubler-Ross model there are five stages,
Denial,
Anger,
Bargaining,
Depression,
Acceptance.
It's only by feeding these emotions deeply that you can heal.
And if that were not enough in itself,
Old traumas will also surface during that process.
Let me briefly mention that I speak from experience,
The loss of my twin soul when I was in my twenties,
And when my children were still young,
I had burnout resulting in loss of job,
Income and home,
And a partner who decided to walk out on us.
But be assured,
I'm fine now.
What I discovered when I was struck by a situation that plunged me into deep grief is the power of personal rituals with a foundation of creativity.
Having social contact is very important so as not to break the interaction with the outside world.
But besides talking to people or just being in company,
And besides sitting in silence,
Having a creative way to express yourself is so valuable.
And the ritual offers a chance to step away from everyday life for a moment and express two things that cannot be expressed within it.
A ritual has a beginning and an end.
It is characterized by a way of acting that is different from everyday actions.
It is more powerful,
More meaningful,
There is an intention behind it.
You ritually open the space-time,
You allow yourself to be in it and express yourself freely for a certain period of time,
And then you ritually close that space-time.
In this way,
Allowing grief and pain is bounded so that you are not consumed in your process.
And in this sense,
It may also be wise to have an appointment with someone after completing the ritual.
What I learned from an artistic point of view is that if you have a hobby or a job in the artistic field,
You already have a strong ally.
And if you haven't done anything creative yet,
It's really worth trying.
Without worrying about methods and skills,
Just use sound,
Color,
Texture,
Space,
Whatever medium that attracts you at that moment,
To express your emotions.
By making artistic expression part of your ritual,
It can help in transitioning between stages in the process.
As I already mentioned,
Everyone goes through that process in his or her own way.
There is no right or wrong way.
However,
There are a few things that I found helpful to know,
Because you need a safety line to allow yourself to go deep enough to facilitate healing.
So I am happy to offer them in case they might be helpful to you.
The first thing to do when preparing a ritual is to create a safe container,
A space and a moment when no one can disturb you,
That is yours alone.
Depending on your situation,
That can be a specific place in a scheduled time or a changeable place at a time when you can be alone.
For me,
My studio was my safe place,
But I also used to keep material next to my bed to take notes or draw when I couldn't sleep.
And the second thing is to tell yourself,
Anything I create or express in that safe environment is not meant to be shared.
Then a tricky one,
Especially if you're used to creating with an audience in mind.
The only rule when expressing yourself is,
Do not censor.
Keep the rational mind out of it.
Don't try to analyze what you have done or created,
Don't criticize it.
It's not about quality or skills or methods,
It's only about healing.
Maybe you express yourself in the medium you're familiar with.
Maybe you feel drawn to a new medium.
Maybe you switch between mediums.
The internet can certainly give you many inspiring tips and tricks.
Limit yourself to viewing.
The unconscious has stored it,
So you can trust that you will be able to use that inspiration for the expression of your own emotions.
Also don't start comparing what you find on the internet or what others tell about their creative expressions during their difficult periods.
Stay with yourself.
Processing can only be successful if it matches your own lived experiences.
In addition to that safe space,
I found it very comforting to have a concrete altar dedicated to grief.
In my case,
It was a box.
I could open it,
Take items out of it,
I could take it anywhere.
I kept some treasured items in it,
And gradually added writings,
Drawings,
And other creations.
By this I don't mean that you have to keep or document everything you make during that period.
It can also help to give it to the fire,
The water,
The wind,
Or the earth in a ritual way at certain times.
When you intend to do this,
Again,
Start by creating a safe container.
Set your intention to let these feelings lose their hold on you,
To give that small part of that tremendous pain to the element you have chosen.
Take all the time you need to express yourself and to give it to the element.
And then close the ritual with a gesture of thanks.
This is a powerful way to release energy that no longer serves you.
The added value of collecting your creations,
On the other hand,
Is that they reflect the process you went through.
In essence,
You are in a rite of passage and your expressions are the steps on that path.
You can decide at any time to create a ritual with these creations and to release the energy,
Or you can decide to transform them into a new work of art by using aspects or pieces of two stored expressions as a starting point.
If you keep them,
Store them in a safe and secret place,
Because what you express during grief may be very raw,
May be perceived by third parties as a personal attack on them,
Will be colored by grief and may be a distortion of reality.
The fact that these overwhelming feelings have a channel is so important.
Much better than keeping the pain inside until you explode or until it takes its own life under the surface of your daily life.
During some periods of grief it will seem that these rituals do not help,
But by regularly taking the rituals of creative expression as a refuge,
Even if you doubt the effect,
You will begin to feel the impact.
The trick is not to have specific expectations,
Because the effect may be on another level or aspect,
And then you will not notice it.
Being burned down to ashes is hard,
But it's the only way if you don't want to stay stuck in grief,
And you will slowly rise again,
Wiser and more compassionate.
Think of the phoenix rising from its ashes.
I hope these thoughts can help you in one way or another.
I wish you lots of strength to carry your only precious life through such a devastating period.
Thank you for listening.
Many blessings.
