You've left a relationship that wasn't working.
Maybe even one that was deeply painful or unfulfilling.
You're proud of yourself for making that move,
You know why it was necessary,
And yet something strange is happening.
You find your thoughts drifting not toward the partner you just left,
But to someone from your much earlier past,
Your first serious relationship.
That person you haven't spoken to in years.
And what's confusing is that you have no desire to be with them.
You know it wasn't right.
But something about them,
Or who you were with them,
Has started to echo through your mind.
And it's tender,
It's nostalgic,
And also bewildering.
In this episode we are going to explore that strange experience one many people have rarely talked about.
In my practice I get asked this question a lot.
Martha,
Why do I suddenly start thinking about my first love?
I know it was bad.
Here you will have the answers.
My name is Martha Curtis.
I'm a psychotherapist and coach and I help individuals heal and thrive after toxic relationships.
At the end of this episode you will walk away with a deeper understanding of why breakups can trigger a longing for your first serious partner,
Even if you have no intention whatsoever of going back.
And also what's happening in your attachment system,
Your memory,
As well as your nervous system.
You will learn about the science of emotional regression and selective memory,
Yes it's that,
And how to make space for nostalgia without being pulled backwards.
And I hope that you will feel less self-critical,
More grounded and more connected to your healing process,
With tools to help you move forward with clarity and self-trust.
What you are likely experiencing is a combination of nostalgic recall and emotional regression.
When we end a relationship,
Especially one that has been emotionally or mentally taxing,
Our system feels very destabilized.
We lose a bond.
And the body responds not with logic,
But with alarm.
Something important is gone.
And in that moment of vulnerability,
Your mind doesn't always reach for the most recent partner.
It often reaches for the first.
Because first love carries enormous psychological weight.
It's encoded as a template in your system,
Even if it ended badly.
This is your nervous system saying,
Let's go back to something that once felt like a connection.
Let's look at the neuroscience and how the brain encodes attachment.
Romantic bonds form through a complex neurochemical mix.
Dopamine gives us anticipation and reward.
Oxytocin deepens bonding and trust.
Vasopressin creates long-term pair bonding.
And endorphins and opioids soothe us in connection.
Your first serious partner created a massive surge of those chemicals.
The association became encoded in your brain as this is what love feels like.
According to research,
The brain's reward system,
Particularly the ventral tegmental area,
In short VTA and nuclear succumbance,
Stays activated long after a breakup when it recalls an intense emotional bond.
What does that mean?
Well,
It means the neurobiological traces of that first love live on.
Not because it was right for you,
But because it was so formative.
And that's not a sign of weakness.
It's a sign of your brain trying to stabilize your sense of self and emotional safety.
When we recall emotional events,
Our brains don't play back videos.
They reconstruct memories.
This is called memory reconsolidation.
Your brain,
Especially under emotional stress,
Has a funny way of highlighting the sweet and softening the sharp.
So if you're feeling adrift now,
Post-breakup,
Lonely and sure,
Your brain might replace scenes from that early relationship not because they were accurate representations of your life,
But because they are emotionally familiar,
Comforting,
Safe.
Re-romanticize the past when the present feels uncertain.
It's absolutely normal and human.
And one of the most profound realizations here is this.
You're likely not missing them.
You're missing who you were when you were with them.
Maybe you were more innocent,
More idealistic,
More open to possibility,
Less guarded,
Maybe you hadn't yet experienced the heartbreaks or betrayals that followed.
What you are reaching for is a time in your life that felt expansive,
A version of yourself who still believed in certain things,
Who hadn't yet been disillusioned.
Let yourself grieve that version of you if you need it.
Let yourself honor what they hoped for.
You're probably asking now,
Well,
But how do I actually work with this nostalgia?
Because I really don't want to be pulled back,
But it's kind of,
Or at least it feels like it's pulling me back.
The first thing is,
You need to acknowledge it without any shame.
Because there is nothing,
Absolutely nothing wrong with you for feeling this.
You're not regressing.
You are remembering.
You need to realize that you are thinking about a time that once gave you emotional meaning,
And that doesn't mean that you want to go back.
And you also need to get clear about what you are actually longing for.
Ask yourself,
What exactly do I miss?
Is it how I felt in their arms,
Or is it how I felt inside myself back then?
And often what you're really yearning for is simplicity,
Intimacy,
Certainty,
And that rush of first-time experiences.
And these are all valid emotional needs.
You just don't have to go back in time or back to that person to meet them.
Ground yourself in reality and growth.
Ask yourself,
What didn't work in that past relationship?
What have you learned about yourself since?
And what would you now never tolerate again?
Revisit the why.
Not to stir pain,
But to anchor your clarity.
And lastly,
You need to turn that nostalgia into self-compassion.
You need to allow this experience to be a gentle reminder that you've always been someone capable of deep love.
You've always had a longing for connection,
And that is beautiful,
And it still lives inside you.
So when you are in this nostalgic mood about your very first love,
I have a few questions for you.
Allow yourself to write them down if you want to,
And give yourself some time to ponder.
The first question I want to ask you is,
Am I craving the person or a feeling I once had?
Next,
Ask yourself,
What version of myself is resurfacing through this memory?
What need was unmet then and is still seeking care now?
What would I say to that younger version of me if I met them today?
How can I offer myself that same tenderness in the here and now?
Nostalgia doesn't mean you want someone back.
It means your heart remembers what it once felt like to believe.
And it's okay to miss that.
It's okay to feel soft towards a past version of yourself.
It's okay to wish you could relive that moment and still be glad it's over.
You're not failing your healing by remembering.
You are simply noticing where love first touched your life and finding a way to carry that wisdom forward.
Because that capacity to feel so deeply,
It's not a liability.
It's your superpower.
If this episode helped you understand yourself better and gave you the language for something hard to name,
I would love it if you could share it with someone who might be holding onto the same confusing ache.
Sometimes the memories that resurface after a breakup aren't about going back.
They're about finding your way forward with clarity and warmth and deep self-trust.
