Let me begin with something that often goes unnoticed,
Not because it's small,
But because it is invisible.
There is a kind of labor many people do in relationships that never gets named,
Never gets acknowledged,
And rarely gets reciprocated.
It's the labor of smoothing things over,
The labor of reassuring,
The labor of making things emotionally easier for everyone but yourself.
It's the labor of letting someone off the hook.
And if you know exactly what I'm talking about,
Then this is for you.
My name is Martha Curtis.
I'm a psychotherapist and coach.
I work with creatives and I support individuals who are or have been in abusive or high-control relationships.
Much of my work involves helping people recognize forms of emotional labor that have been normalized to the point of invisibility,
Especially in people who grew up having to manage other people's emotions in order to stay safe or connected.
This kind of labor hides behind kindness,
Understanding,
And being reasonable.
And in this talk,
We are going to explore what invisible emotional labor actually looks like,
Not in theory,
But in lived experience.
We will talk about how people learn to let others off the hook emotionally,
Why this behavior is often praised rather than questioned,
And how it quietly drains energy,
Clarity,
And self-trust over time.
We will also look at how this pattern develops,
How it shows up in adult relationships,
And how you might begin to notice when you're doing it again.
This is not about stopping being kind.
It's about stopping erasure of yourself.
I hope that after listening to this talk,
You will feel recognized in ways that feel reassuring.
And yes,
You might feel grief for how much you have carried alone.
But you may also feel relieved that this has a name.
And you may also feel a growing sense that your energy,
Your time,
And your emotional world matter.
Letting someone off the hook doesn't usually look dramatic.
It often sounds like,
Ah,
It's okay,
They didn't mean it,
Or,
Oh,
I understand why they are like this.
Ah,
They have a lot going on.
Ah,
It's not worth bringing up.
I don't want to make things awkward.
On the surface,
These sound like mature,
Emotionally intelligent responses.
And sometimes they are.
But when they become automatic,
When they replace honesty,
When they override your own experience,
They stop being generosity and start being self-neglect.
And psychologically,
Letting someone off the hook often serves a protective function.
If you soften the impact of someone's behavior,
You don't have to risk any conflict.
You don't risk disappointment.
You risk seeing something you don't want to see,
And you don't risk being the one who makes a fuss.
So instead,
You absorb it.
You metabolize discomfort internally.
Let me say this again.
You metabolize discomfort internally.
You translate your hurt into understanding.
You regulate not just yourself,
But the relationship.
This is the work.
And it's work you are doing alone.
For many people,
This habit forms early.
You may have grown up in an environment where someone's moods dictated the emotional climate.
Conflict might have felt dangerous,
And expressing hurt led to dismissal or escalation.
Keeping the peace might have been essential.
So you learn to anticipate,
To excuse,
And to explain away.
You didn't learn that your feelings didn't matter.
You learned that addressing them openly wasn't safe.
And this kind of learning,
That sticks.
This kind of emotional labor is rarely recognized because it doesn't disrupt anything.
In fact,
It makes things smoother.
Relationships continue.
People feel comfortable.
Conflict is avoided.
From the outside,
It looks like harmony.
But internally,
Something else is happening.
Your emotional experience is being edited.
Your reactions are being filtered.
Your truth is being deferred indefinitely.
One instance of letting someone off the hook is not harmful.
But when it becomes a pattern,
The impact accumulates.
Over time,
People who do this consistently often experience emotional exhaustion.
They might find it difficult to access anger.
They also might feel confusion about their own needs.
They have a sense of being unseen or unchosen.
And they might experience resentment that feels unfair or shameful.
Not because they are unreasonable,
But because their inner world has been consistently deprioritized.
And here's where the imbalance creates.
There's something very important to name.
When you repeatedly let someone off the hook,
You create an imbalance of responsibility.
One person gets to remain comfortable.
The other does the emotional work.
One person avoids discomfort.
The other carries it internally.
This is not mutual regulation.
It's one-sided accommodation.
And over time,
That imbalance erodes intimacy.
Now you might be thinking,
But it's so hard to stop.
Yes,
Many people hesitate to stop this pattern because it feels unkind.
You might worry that you're being selfish or maybe overreacting or making things harder than they need to be.
But there's a difference between kindness and self-erasure.
Kindness includes yourself.
Accommodation at your own expense does not.
One of the most useful shifts is not behavioral.
It is observational.
You might start noticing the moment you feel the urge to explain someone else's behavior or the moment you swallow a reaction,
The moment you feel responsible for someone else's comfort.
And you don't have to act differently yet.
All you need to do is just notice for now.
And that awareness,
It will create space for you.
Now,
Ask yourself the following questions and feel free to pause here to allow yourself to reflect.
Who am I protecting when I let this go?
What would happen if I didn't soften this?
What feeling am I avoiding by staying quiet?
What might I need if I didn't immediately understand the other person?
Letting someone off the hook once in a while is part of being human.
But when it becomes your primary relational role,
It stops being generosity and becomes disappearance.
You are allowed to name impact.
You are allowed to stop doing invisible work that costs you your voice.
And you don't have to do that loudly,
But honestly.
And if this has resonated,
Please consider sharing it with someone who might need to hear it,
Especially someone who is always understanding and never quite rested.
Take care,
Until next time.
