Textbook Crazy-Making

Let's take a bold look at common manipulation tactics like breadcrumbing, future faking, gaslighting, blame-shifting, and more. You'll learn how to spot these patterns, why they work on a psychological level, and how to protect your peace without getting pulled into endless emotional spirals. This episode is a powerful guide to reclaiming clarity, setting boundaries, and trusting your instincts again—even when someone tries to twist the truth and call it love.

Transcript

One minute you're on cloud nine and the next you're spinning in confusion,

Wondering if you're the problem,

If you're asking too much,

If maybe you're just being too sensitive.

Welcome to the world of crazy making.

It's subtle,

It's insidious and it's designed to wear down your sense of reality,

One emotional twist at a time.

My name is Martha Curtis,

I'm a psychotherapist and coach and I specialize in helping individuals recover from narcissistic abuse.

And today we are going to name these manipulation tactics.

Breadcrumbing,

Blame-shifting,

Future faking,

Gaslighting and more.

So you can finally stop spinning in self doubt and start reclaiming your clarity.

We will break down exactly what these behaviors look like in real life and why they're used,

How to spot them and most importantly how to set the kind of boundaries that free you from the grip of emotional chaos.

And I hope that you will leave this talk or this episode feeling validated and sharper in your awareness and empowered to protect your peace.

So what is crazy making actually?

Crazy making is a term that describes the psychological fog that's created by manipulative,

Invalidating or contradictory behavior,

Especially in narcissistic or emotionally abusive dynamics.

It's usually when you second-guess your own perceptions and you begin to apologize for things you didn't do.

And you might also feel constantly off balance,

You start thinking maybe I'm the one losing it.

This isn't coincidence,

It's a strategy,

Whether conscious or unconscious,

Used to destabilize you and make you easier to control.

Okay,

Let's start with bread-crumbing.

It's keeping you on the hook.

So what is it exactly?

Bread-crumbing is when someone gives you just enough attention,

Affection or promise to keep you emotionally invested but never follows through in a meaningful or consistent way.

It could be something like they text that they miss you at 1 a.

M.

But never make plans to see you.

They might give you praise or affection right when you're pulling away,

Just enough to keep you close.

And they might be talking about your future together and then ghost you for three days.

And what does that do,

Bread-crumbing?

It creates hope.

And hope is very powerful.

It keeps you hanging on even when your emotional needs are not being met.

So how do you spot it?

Because there's a cycle.

There's a cycle of silence,

Then crumbs,

Then warmth and then nothing again.

Oftentimes the promises are vague and very non-committal.

And you find yourself always trying to figure out where you stand.

When you are being bread-crumbed you need to accept a simple truth.

It's not love.

It's emotional stringing.

And love that starves you isn't love.

It is actually control.

Let's move on to future faking.

Promises is currency.

Because future faking is when someone makes elaborate promises about the future to create attachment with absolutely no real intention to follow through.

They might be saying things to you like,

Oh we're going to travel the world together one day,

Or I can't wait to marry you,

I've never felt this way before,

Or let's move in together,

Just give me a few more months.

And it's used to gain control.

Especially emotional leverage though.

It's not about the future at all.

It's about manipulating the present.

You're less likely to leave when you believe in payoff is coming.

It's similar to bread-crumbing.

Because again,

It plays with hope.

And you notice that somebody might be future faking you?

Because the timelines,

They keep moving.

There's no concrete action,

Only talk.

Give me more time.

I'm not sure,

I'm not ready yet to have a child.

Or give me more time until I have done X,

Y,

Z so we can get married.

Your questions about follow-through make them defensive.

So just like with bread-crumbing,

The promise of love is not love.

Because it's easy to talk about a dream,

It's very rare to live it.

Unless you commit to it and you follow through.

Now maybe,

Maybe you're realizing that there's some bread-crumbing happening or some future faking and you confront them.

And what you then might be faced with is blame shifting.

Yep,

They are turning it back on you.

It's when somebody avoids taking responsibility for their behavior by redirecting it right back on to you.

Yes,

Let's imagine you bring up a hurtful comment they made and they respond,

Well you're just as sensitive.

Or they cheat and somehow you are the one who was too emotionally unavailable.

It's your fault they cheated after all,

Right?

And they might be lushing out and then they say,

If you hadn't provoked me I wouldn't have reacted like that.

The classical you made me do it.

Blame shifting is something that protects a narcissist's ego and also avoids accountability.

Because taking responsibility would actually require vulnerability and remorse and growth.

And for many manipulators that's intolerable.

Also many lack empathy.

So when you always leave conversations feeling like it's your fault,

Maybe not always,

But a lot of the time.

And you find yourself apologizing even when you are the one that's been hurt.

And you rarely,

If ever,

Hear them say I'm sorry without adding but.

Then you know what you're dealing with.

Another classic,

I'm sorry you feel like.

Taking responsibility for someone else's behavior is not maturity,

It's a trauma response.

And you are allowed to walk away from conversations that go nowhere.

But back to you.

Save your energy,

Save your time,

Save your sanity.

And now back to good old gaslighting.

And I have another talk about gaslighting in more detail,

Called Gaslighting 101.

Check it out.

But here in short,

Gaslighting,

Well,

That's rewriting reality.

It is a form of psychological manipulation in which someone makes you question your perception,

Your memory,

Or even your sanity.

And you might be hearing things like,

Oh I never said that when they did.

Or they might accuse you of imagining things.

Or they might be saying that you are too emotional.

And whatever this is about isn't a big deal,

Even if it is.

Sometimes an extremely big deal.

And it's used to disempower you,

To distort your reality until you stop trusting your own inner compass.

Maybe the next three things will sound familiar to you.

Have you constantly felt the need to record conversations or check texts to prove you're not crazy?

Maybe you are hesitating before bringing up issues because you are so afraid that you will be dismissed or attacked.

And you also might feel a loss of clarity about what's actually real.

You might feel the need to reality check.

Let me tell you this,

However.

You do not need proof to trust your gut.

Gaslighting is about domination,

Not disagreement.

And your clarity is right.

And if you sense that you've lost your clarity,

Then by any means reality check.

Also talk to a friend who will remember what you have told them.

They will be able to be your reality check partner.

Unless you are already isolated from your friends.

Okay,

I have a bonus toolkit for you.

Not your toolkit,

Of course,

But the Narcissist's toolkit.

And that's hoovering,

Triangulation and withholding.

What's hoovering?

Well,

After periods of distance or discard,

They come back with big gestures and apologies and promises.

Just enough to suck you back in.

Might be saying things like,

Oh I've been thinking a lot and I really want to work on things.

But they don't want to repair.

They just want to reattach.

Go and listen to the song by the beautiful self.

It's called,

I had a little time.

See how you feel about it.

And it's also a really good song.

So let's move on to triangulation.

Triangulation is when they bring a third person into the dynamic.

Sometimes also an entire group.

And that can be romantically,

It can be socially or emotionally.

Sometimes also at work,

Of course.

So to create that jealousy and competition and insecurity.

They might be saying things like,

My ex never had a problem with that.

Or they might be very intentionally looking at other people in your presence.

And you know what I'm talking about.

Those flirty eyes or commenting about how beautiful someone is or how handsome.

And they do that because they wanted to stabilize you and regain power.

Make you feel like you're not good enough.

Lastly there's also withholding.

And what's withholding,

It's refusing to give affection,

Attention or communication as a form of punishment.

Could be stonewalling.

It could be the silent treatment.

You ask what's wrong and they might respond with silence.

And what it does is that it puts you in the one down position.

And you might be scrambling for their approval.

Don't do it.

Just walk away.

Let them be.

Okay now you know the entire toolkit.

Well maybe not the entire because there's always new stuff that comes out.

So what do you do?

First of all you need to trust the pattern and not the words.

Because words lie and patterns don't.

So I want you to ask yourself what do they consistently show you?

Have a diary.

Have a journal.

Write in your journal about it.

Everything you can think of.

Do their actions align with their promises?

What's your gut feeling response right now?

You have to anchor into your reality.

Your feelings are not a problem.

Your confusion is a clue.

If you feel unsteady,

Uncertain and off balance you are likely in a crazy making dynamic.

So write it down.

Keep a reality journal.

Validate yourself.

Send yourself voice notes.

Whatever works for you.

But keep it also safe away from them.

Trust how you feel.

And soon enough you might say to yourself well this felt wrong and I don't need someone else to confirm it.

Yes you will have to create some boundaries and avoid a battle.

And your boundaries they don't need to be explained and you don't need permission for your boundaries.

Because you're not here to perform for approval.

You no longer will be available for conversations that twist your words.

And you deserve space from this kind of inconsistency that you might be experiencing.

Then you need to hold your quietly,

Steadily and that is your power.

They won't like it but you have to hold it.

Now at some point you will be tired of continuously holding boundaries and setting them and having them violated again.

So ultimately you have to make a decision.

Crazy making thrives in confusion.

But clarity is your way out.

You don't need to fight for understanding where there is no willingness to hear.

And you don't need to defend your truth in a relationship built on distortion.

You get to choose peace over potential,

Reality over fantasy,

Self-trust over someone else's chaos.

Because in real love you're not made to feel crazy.

You are made to feel seen.

Maybe this episode has helped you to name something that's been eating at your self-trust.

And if it did please share it with someone who needs it too.

If you found yourself lost in confusion or guilt from a manipulative relationship I would love to hear from you.

It's like I always say,

Your story matters,

It really does.

And your clarity is welcome here.

Until next time.

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Appreciate the helpful insights and examples! 💜🙏🏽