Self-Sabotage: When It Was Done To You First

In this episode, we take a fresh look at self-sabotage—and what might really be hiding underneath it. If you’ve ever felt like you’re the one holding yourself back but can’t quite understand why, this conversation will offer a perspective that goes far deeper than laziness or fear. Especially if you grew up in a narcissistic family system, what you think is self-sabotage might actually be something you learned long ago. Tune in for a compassionate and revealing exploration that might just shift how you see yourself.

Transcript

Have you ever set a goal,

Felt genuinely excited about it and then watched yourself back away from it for no clear reason?

Maybe you called yourself lazy.

Maybe you thought you lacked discipline or motivation.

Deep down,

Did you feel like success just wasn't for you?

That you weren't the kind of person who could have that kind of life?

Today I want to talk to you about self-sabotage.

And not just in the way we typically understand it,

But from a deeper,

More compassionate angle.

Especially for those of you who grew up with narcissistic parents.

Because sometimes what looks like self-sabotage isn't really coming from you.

It's a pattern that you inherited.

And maybe it was done to you first.

So,

How do most people think about self-sabotage and what it is?

Self-sabotage is often seen as this personal failure.

We're told it's about procrastination,

Imperfectionism,

Fear of success or fear of failure.

And we blame it on laziness or a lack of willpower.

But here's the thing.

Self-sabotage is never random.

It always has a story.

And often that story started long before we were even aware of it.

Let me explain to you the deeper truth.

What if it wasn't you?

If you grew up with a narcissistic parent,

Especially a narcissistic mother,

You may have learned very early that shining too brightly came with consequences.

Maybe you were encouraged to be your best.

But only up to a point.

And that point being,

Don't downshine your parent.

Narcissistic parents,

Particularly mothers with daughters,

Can carry an intense jealousy towards their child.

They want their daughter to reflect well on them,

Be smart,

Talented,

Attractive and so on.

But never more than them.

So what do they do?

They sabotage,

Sadly or not so sadly.

Let's discuss how that sabotage shows up in childhood.

I'll give you a few examples.

Maybe you want to take dance lessons.

And your mother said,

You don't have the body for that.

Or maybe you started to become passionate about sports and she forgot to register you for the team or made you feel guilty for being away from home.

Or you started eating healthy and working on your well-being.

And suddenly she made your favorite cakes and told you,

You're already fine.

You don't need to be extreme.

These examples are not just moments.

They become messages.

And those messages lodge themselves deep inside.

It's not safe for me to stand out.

I'll never succeed anyway.

What's the point in trying?

It becomes internalized sabotage.

And you start doing it to yourself.

Because over time you no longer need your mother or your parent to sabotage you.

You begin to do it yourself.

Not because you're weak or flawed,

But because that script has become familiar.

It's safer to pull back than to risk success or experience shame or jealousy or abandonment.

So let's move forward into adulthood.

Let me give you a few examples how that looks like.

You may procrastinate on applying for a job you're excited about.

Or you don't follow through on health changes because deep down you believe they're not meant for you.

Or you stop yourself from pursuing your dream because you hear that internal voice.

Who do you think you are?

That's not laziness.

That's protection.

That's the little kid inside you who learned it was dangerous to shine.

What do you need to do?

Well,

You need to gently start breaking that script.

And so first of all,

You need to recognize this pattern in yourself.

You need to name it for what it is.

You just start saying to yourself that this isn't you being lazy.

This is a wound.

This is a pattern that you have learned to survive.

Let's trace the root together.

Think of a situation where you think you might be self-sabotaging.

And now ask yourself,

And I give you a few seconds to ponder on that.

First question to you is,

When did you first learn that standing out was dangerous?

When did you first learn that standing out was dangerous?

And if you need to think about it a little longer,

Just note those questions for later.

Next question to you is,

Whose voice are you hearing when you start to shrink?

Whose voice are you hearing when you start to shrink?

And finally,

Was there a time when you tried something and you got hurt for it?

Was there a time when you tried something and got hurt for it?

Understanding the origin of your sabotage will help you to take the shame of it.

And that's where the healing begins.

Because here is the truth,

The absolute truth.

And you have to believe me on this.

You are allowed to want more.

Yes,

You are absolutely allowed to want more.

And it's also perfectly safe for you to grow.

It is absolutely safe for you to grow.

You are not betraying anyone by stepping into your own life.

Let me repeat that.

You are not betraying anyone by stepping into your own life.

When I say that you are allowed to want more,

You might not feel that you deserve more.

But you do.

And sometimes growing might not feel safe.

Why?

Because somebody might be afraid of you outgrowing them.

It's a human reaction.

Okay?

But it's okay and it's safe for you to grow.

And if there are people who are unsafe to grow around,

You don't have to share with them your growth.

Because it's a privilege.

It's a privilege to witness your growth.

It's a privilege to witness your healing or even be part of it.

And this is why I'm so grateful that you are here and you are listening to my message.

And also,

When I said that you're not betraying anyone by stepping into your own life,

I truly mean it.

Don't ever let anyone guilt you or shame you into living your life the way you want to live it.

It might feel difficult to take that one step forward,

Even if it's a tiny little step.

So please choose just one gentle action in that direction of your goal.

And not to fix or prove anything,

But rather to show yourself that this pattern doesn't have to define you anymore.

So sign up for that class,

Cook a healthy meal,

Just for you.

And most importantly,

Speak kindly to yourself when you want to quit.

And if you genuinely want to quit,

That's also absolutely fine.

But if it's that voice that wants to self-sabotage or rather sabotage because it's an external voice,

Think again.

And there is something else I want to say to you.

And it's very important.

And that is that you might need to grieve.

Because the truth is,

Someone you should have been able to trust may have been the one who taught you to mistrust yourself.

So allow yourself to grieve the lost chances,

The missed opportunities,

The dreams you gave up on,

Because someone else was threatened by them.

And that grief is very real.

And giving it space to be felt is very powerful and it's a step towards freedom.

Remember,

We are mirrors to each other.

We can see someone grow and change positively.

And we have choices.

We can look at them.

And we can feel inspired and happy for them.

And it might even give us permission that we don't really need,

But it might give us permission to try the same or something different,

But to try something we always wanted.

Or the other choice is to discount the fact that we can also go for the things that we want and instead become bitter and jealous and start to sabotage the other person,

To guilt them,

To shame them.

Because what you are doing when you are growing,

You become that ripple effect.

You create that ripple effect,

That positive ripple effect out into the world.

Let me say it again.

Self-sabotage is not a flaw and it's not a character defect.

It is rather a brilliant survival strategy that you needed to develop very early on in your life,

Most likely.

And you no longer need it.

Especially if it was modeled to you by someone who couldn't handle your light.

So next time you find yourself pulling back from something you really care about,

Take a break,

Pause,

Be curious,

Be gentle and ask yourself,

What if this isn't me failing?

What if this is something I was taught?

Be curious and just ask yourself those questions.

And what if I can choose something new?

If this episode resonated with you,

Please share it with someone else who might be stuck in the same loop.

And let's bring some compassion to the parts of ourselves that learn to hide.

Not because we were weak,

But because we were trying to stay safe.

Reviews

Thank you so much for such a helpful message. It’s makes such sense as to why I limit, question, or sabotage myself in many areas…🙏🏻

If I could give this more stars, I would🌟 This is valuable information for anyone paralysed in their progress & wondering why, like I’ve been. What an enlightening talk & a beautiful, welcome release following. Feel much lighter for it.💝 Thank you so much, Martha💖💐🙏🏻

This is so interesting and really resonates with me. Thank you 🙏🌟🪷