They weren't always like this,
Right?
You remember the early days,
The way they looked at you,
Made you laugh,
And how easy it was to talk for hours.
And now you find yourself missing them.
Or maybe missing that version of them,
The one who seemed to know your heart before you even spoke.
But here's the truth.
The version you're missing might not even be real,
Or at least not the full picture.
Today,
I want to talk to you about why you keep looking for someone who doesn't exist anymore or maybe never fully did,
And how you can break the fantasy that keeps you stuck.
My name is Martha Curtis,
I'm a psychotherapist and coach,
And I specialize in helping individuals recover from narcissistic and toxic relationships.
And I hope that by the end of this talk,
You will understand the science of idealization,
Emotional memory,
And why our brains cling to what once felt so good,
Even when reality has shown us otherwise.
I hope that I will leave you feel grounded and validated,
And also more equipped to stop reaching backward for someone who only lived in a snapshot,
And start reaching forward toward the life you truly deserve.
So why is it so hard to let go of the old them?
Let's begin by naming this experience.
You know the relationship is toxic,
It's dysfunctional,
And completely unsustainable,
Yet you keep remembering how they used to be.
You tell yourself they weren't always like this,
And sometimes you wait for that old version to come back.
Don't worry,
This is incredibly common.
Let me tell you why.
Because we don't fall in love with people as they are,
We often fall in love with their potential,
Or at least with the version they presented to us in the beginning.
And that early version,
Yes,
It was real,
But it was also very often curated.
You know why?
Because when we meet someone new,
We usually put our best foot forward.
It's just a human thing.
In the early stages of relationships,
And particularly if someone has narcissistic traits or struggles with intimacy,
We experience something called love-bombing or idealization.
They're attentive,
They're affectionate,
Consistent,
And also intense.
They study what you love and reflect it back to you.
They seem to get you immediately.
And you feel deeply seen and deeply chosen.
And biologically,
This creates a high.
Dopamine starts flooding your system.
It's the reward chemical.
Oxytocin bonds you through physical and emotional intimacy.
And norepinephrine sharpens focus,
You remember every single detail.
Your brain literally records the best parts in high definition.
And this is called emotional encoding.
Emotional encoding.
You attach to the feeling,
Not just the person.
Actually,
When you look at people with dementia,
Their emotional memory is the last one.
What do I mean by that?
They might not remember your name anymore.
But when they see you,
They might still remember how they feel about you.
Now they have left.
And you start missing them.
Even if you were unhappy.
So it's starting to get a little complicated.
If you had ended the relationship,
The memory might fade differently.
But when they leave,
Or ghost you,
Discard you,
Or move on too fast,
It creates a psychological rupture,
A sense of unfinished business.
Your brain doesn't just feel grief.
It actually feels deprivation.
And that triggers a dopamine crush.
You crave what's missing.
Even if what was there wasn't healthy.
Basically,
You are going cold turkey.
How does that look like?
Yep,
You might start missing the way they texted you in the morning.
Or maybe those silly ways they danced in the kitchen.
Those private jokes you shared.
Even if they were critical.
Even if they yelled at you.
Even if you were walking on eggshells.
Because your brain begins to nostalgize the beginning and erase the rest.
Does that sound familiar?
It's very human to start a relationship seeing the best in someone.
Because we do idealize,
We overlook.
We even find quirks adorable.
And the way they couldn't sit still.
Oh,
They're so full of energy.
Their sarcasm.
Wow,
They're so witty.
Their emotional intensity.
Oh,
They're so passionate.
And then months later,
That energy feels chaotic.
That wit turns cruel.
And that passion,
Yeah,
That becomes volatility.
If you have listened to my previous podcast,
You will remember that we can often confuse passion with volatility.
Or volatility more with passion.
We just sense something,
But we interpret it as passion.
But actually it's something very dangerous.
But because it's familiar,
Potentially,
If you grew up in a hostile environment,
It feels safe.
Because what's familiar is safe,
Right?
You know how to be around someone who's volatile,
Right?
That is the trap.
So on a cognitive level,
You know the relationship wasn't healthy.
Yet you are missing them.
And you're wondering,
Why is my brain wanting to rewrite that story?
This happens because the brain doesn't like unresolved pain.
So it rewrites.
It softens edges.
It creates a narrative that's easier to carry than the grief or betrayal you're really feeling.
And this is called,
Ta-da,
Cognitive dissonance.
Discomfort of holding conflicting truths.
Because most people are not just evil.
Most people are not just super good.
So,
Those are the thoughts you might be experiencing.
Ah,
They hurt me.
But I still miss them.
Maybe I was wrong.
And so the brain leans towards the version that hurts less in the moment,
Which is usually the fantasy.
And you might not like the next thing I'm going to tell you.
It's a very harsh truth.
That all of them might not come back,
Because it was never fully real.
And yeah,
This is tender,
But it's essential.
That version you miss,
That version they showed you in the beginning,
It might have been temporary.
Or maybe calculated.
Or just simply unsustainable.
Yes,
People show up as their best selves early on.
And that's normal.
To a degree.
But when those early traits disappear completely or are replaced by manipulation,
Cruelty or neglect,
That's not someone changing.
That's someone revealing.
Let me say that again.
That's not changing.
That's someone revealing.
The mask is falling off.
Of course,
I don't want you to think about everyone who is going through a hard time and that's why their behavior changes,
That they are revealing.
That's different.
Here we are talking about somebody who has toxic traits that were very unhealthy for you.
So you're thinking,
Okay,
Martha,
Right,
Okay,
I kind of get it.
But how do I break that spell?
And how can I reclaim myself?
Because right now I'm just stuck with that fantasy version of this person.
There are a few things you can do.
Get a piece of paper and create two columns.
I want you to title one,
What I miss.
And the other column,
Call it what I endured.
And believe me,
Seeing these side by side will bring reality back into focus.
And if you find it hard,
Then maybe ask a trusted friend with whom you have discussed your relationship whilst you've been in it.
Somebody who you could lean on,
Who you cried with.
And once you realize what the reality is,
I want you to name that pattern.
I want you to clearly say,
I am grieving the version they showed me,
Not who they truly were.
Or say something like,
I'm craving the feeling,
Not the relationship,
Because this is really what's happening here.
And then you need to ground yourself in the present.
Because if you are nostalgically missing somebody you've been in a toxic relationship with,
Well,
You live in the past.
Or even in a future that is not going to happen,
That has zero potential.
So you need to ground yourself in the present.
So every time your mind floats backwards,
I want you to ask yourself,
What am I feeling right now that makes me want to go back?
And give yourself some time to think about that.
What am I feeling right now that makes me want to go back?
And then I want you to ask yourself,
What need am I trying to meet with that memory?
It might be just returning back to a familiar feeling,
Or maybe it is something completely different.
Lastly,
Ask yourself,
How can I give that to myself instead?
And you might not,
Or you might.
Give yourself time.
Next,
You will have to practice safe,
Stable relationships.
Not just romantically,
But also in friendships.
Your brain and your body need to relearn what it feels like to be safe.
You need to relearn how it feels to be supported and seen without chaos.
Let calm people into your life,
Even if they feel unfamiliar at first.
Because what feels boring might actually be healing.
I have said it a few times in previous podcasts.
Most importantly,
Give yourself some time to relearn and to return to yourself.
And all that chaos needs to drain out of your system.
And no,
You are not weak for missing them.
You're also not foolish for replaying the early days.
That's just your brain trying to protect you from grief.
But you're ready for more now.
Or maybe very soon.
And you're ready or will be ready for the full picture,
For the truth.
Even if it hurts,
Because that's what sets you free.
Imagine being in an art gallery.
And right now,
You are standing pretty close to a painting.
You just see a part of it.
The more distance you get,
The more you will see the complete picture.
I hope that this talk helped you see a few things more clearly.
So if it has,
Please share it with someone else who might be caught in this cycle of nostalgia and doubt.
And if you are in the process of letting go of someone you once idealized,
I would love to hear from you.
Your experience is important and your story is valid.
And I want you to know that you are worthy of love.
You were born worthy of love.
That doesn't require fantasy to feel good.
Until next time.
