Hope, Hurt, And The Holidays: Sibling Estrangement

In this episode, we explore the emotional complexities of maintaining a relationship with siblings who side with narcissistic parents. We discuss the impact of unreciprocated efforts, and the metaphor of the "rejection parcel," and provide thoughtful alternatives for reaching out or stepping back. Learn how to navigate these relationships with clarity, set boundaries, and protect your emotional well-being, especially during the holidays.

Transcript

Hi and welcome to Recovering from Narcissistic Relationships with me Martha Curtis.

For the past 20 years I've been helping individuals in their recovery from abusive relationships.

And today I want to talk to you about siblings who side with a narcissistic and abusive parent.

It's a very tough one.

We just had Christmas and I received an email from one of you and that inspired me to create this podcast.

We all know the holidays are meant to be a time of warmth and connection.

But probably for many of you they also bring a painful reality.

Imagine sending a heartfelt card or a thoughtful gift to a sibling who sides with a narcissistic parent.

You're trying to maintain some sort of relationship but what you often might receive in return is rejection,

Rubbed up neatly in silence or indifference or dismissiveness.

Maybe it's just a short thank you and that's it.

So what if every time you try to connect you are unknowingly picking up a parcel labelled rejection?

Would you keep sending gifts if rejection is all you ever received?

If you're doing that,

Ask yourself why,

What's behind that?

So today's episode is not about telling you what to do,

But I want to explore with you your motivations and I want you also to understand the dynamics at play and consider options of how you could approach the situation in a way that protects your emotional well-being.

Let's look why siblings side with a narcissistic parent.

And the first one is,

Of course,

Conditioning from the narcissistic parent.

In families with a narcissistic parent,

Or sometimes even two,

Roles can be very rigidly assigned.

You might be familiar with the scapegoat and the golden child and sometimes there is an enabler.

Sometimes this enabler is the other parent,

Very subtly.

So you might not have found refuge and protection in your other parent because they are enabling the abuser.

Your sibling or siblings may have internalised your narcissistic parent's narrative about you as the problem,

To maintain their own sense of stability.

And a sibling who benefits from being the golden child may subconsciously want to protect the narcissist to preserve their favourite status.

But don't be confused about how the golden child gets everything,

Because there is also a lot of pressure and pain in being the golden child,

Even though it might not look like that from the outside.

Then there is the fear of losing stability.

So aligning oneself with the narcissist feels safer than confronting them.

They are simply avoiding the risk of becoming the new scapegoat.

And that doesn't mean that your sibling doesn't believe that the abuse ever happened,

They might just fear the personal cost of taking your side.

And I know this is very,

Very frustrating to you,

Because it goes against your values and it does not feel fair.

And lastly,

Of course,

Good old Nile and cognitive dissonance.

Because admitting the parent's toxicity actually means that acknowledging their own pain,

And that can be overwhelming.

That's why a lot of people decide not to work on things.

They might even be in denial that there is anything to work on.

So this denial becomes a protective mechanism.

They may rationalise the abuse even by saying things like,

Oh,

Well,

Mum or dad always been tough,

But they're not abusive.

So your sibling might have created this protective bubble for themselves,

Where they live in this fantasy they created for themselves.

And every time you want to talk about things,

Or you reach out,

Their bubble is in danger of being burst.

And they can become very protective of that.

Especially if they are children,

Or if there is a financial or emotional dependence on the abusive parent.

So this is not a justification,

Or saying it's right what they're doing,

It's okay.

This is just an explanation of what actually happens in people when they have a narcissistic,

Abusive parent,

But choose not to work on things.

And all of this has,

Of course,

An emotional cost on you.

There is an emotional cost of continuing to reach out.

And I get it,

When you reach out,

You're often doing so with hope,

Right?

You love your sibling,

You want to have a family.

There's a hope for connection,

There's a hope for warmth.

And of course,

There's also a hope for change.

But what if you consistently receive in return silence,

Indifference,

Or rejection?

There is an emotional toll,

And that can be significant.

Reaching out,

Sending a card to your sibling,

And receiving no acknowledgement,

Or just a simple thanks,

It's a very dismissive response.

And it can feel like opening a gift box very excitedly,

And you only find it empty.

And it does something to your brain as well.

And I call it the dopamine loop of hope.

The anticipation of a response triggers dopamine.

And that's the brain's reward chemical,

Making you feel excited and optimistic.

Maybe this time something more different.

Maybe I will receive a response,

Just a little text message saying thank you,

And I'm wishing you a Merry Christmas,

And maybe this time they will be writing more,

Maybe they will call you.

But when rejection happens,

It creates a painful emotional crash.

And then the cycle of hoping,

Trying,

And crushing keeps repeating itself.

So you are wondering,

Okay,

Okay,

What are my options here?

Let's talk about the two most obvious options.

And the one is you continue to reach out.

And the second is you choose to stop reaching out.

Let's talk about option one,

Continuing to reach out.

If you decide to maintain contact,

It is absolutely essential to set very realistic expectations and to protect your emotional energy.

And this is tough.

One way you can do that is to simply shift your perspective.

And I say simply,

It's not that simple.

Actually,

You reach out without expecting reciprocity.

But the most pessimistic person always has a grain of hope somewhere.

So please consider that.

You need to consider your actions as a reflection of your values,

And not a means to secure a response.

Let me give you an example.

You just send a very simple card saying wishing you a Merry Christmas,

And then you expect absolutely nothing.

Maybe you are one of those people who put a lot of work into things.

Maybe you are sending elaborate gifts,

Very thoughtful messages and gifts.

Maybe you need to avoid overextending yourself.

You can opt for small gestures like a simple holiday card or a short note rather than those elaborate gifts or repeated attempts at connection.

So instead of sending a large gift for nieces and nephews,

And this will be another episode talking about what to do if you want to be that aunt and uncle they can at some point find refuge in,

You could instead of those large gifts,

You can donate to a children's charity in their honor.

And that's a kind gesture that doesn't depend on any acknowledgement.

Super important always is to create emotional boundaries.

And that means that you really need to acknowledge the possibility of rejection.

I know I'm repeating myself here,

But it is very,

Very important.

So it won't take you by surprise.

Even if you have for the past 10 years reached out and you always received a dismissive response,

There is still hope,

Right?

And you might still feel surprised even after loads and loads of attempts.

I have an exercise for you that you can do and it's very,

Very simple.

And it's journaling.

Journal your feelings before and after,

Let's say,

Sending a card.

And I want you to write down why you are doing it.

Write down why you are doing it and write down how you will manage your emotions if there's no response.

Now let's look at the second option and that is choosing to stop reaching out.

So you decide to stop and that can feel like a loss.

And you know that loss at some point can also feel empowering when it's done with intention.

So when you're choosing the second option,

You're choosing to stop reaching out,

You really need to focus on your emotional self-care.

And that means that you need to redirect the energy that you have spent on unreciprocated efforts towards your own well-being.

It might be like planning a holiday activity that brings you joy or volunteering somewhere,

Spending time with friends because,

And I keep saying this,

Access to your friendship,

To your circle is a privilege.

There are also ways that you can find to stay connected without direct contact.

So if you want to maintain a connection with,

Let's say nieces and nephews,

You might want to create something I call a time capsule.

And that means writing letters to them or keeping a journal for them to read in the future when they reach out,

When they are old enough.

You can write letters saying,

Hey,

Even though we can't be close right now,

I am here thinking of you often and I wish you the best in life.

You can send them letters,

You can have this journal and at some point when they reach out,

You can share that with them.

You can show that,

Yes,

You have been thinking of them and you will have a nice box with all the things that you wanted to share with them.

And this is how you can also channel your love towards them.

And I know that if you love your nieces and nephews wholeheartedly,

It feels like there's a part of your heart that feels like it's imploding with love and it's nowhere to go.

So you can channel that into letters and you can even record voice messages for your nieces and nephews or video messages and keep them in a file,

In a folder that at some point you can share with them.

It's also very important to reframe what being a good sibling or uncle,

Aunt means.

And that means that you need to recognize that you can't build a relationship with someone who doesn't reciprocate.

And sometimes your sibling is that gatekeeper between you and your nieces or nephews.

But being a good uncle or aunt isn't about gifts.

It's about having that meaningful connection.

And here it is when the time is right.

And here you need to remind yourself and affirm to yourself the following.

I can still hold love for them without subjecting myself to rejection.

You can still hold that love for them.

At the end of this podcast,

Or sometime today in the near future,

I want you to ponder on the following questions.

The first one is why,

Or better what,

Is your motivation for reaching out?

Give yourself some time to think about it.

Really,

Like what is your motivation for reaching out?

And once you have answered that,

I would like you to think about how you feel after being rejected.

What's happening inside you there?

What's going on?

You know,

Sometimes rejection can feel like a payoff.

It's keeping a cycle alive.

And maybe that cycle is that sense of not-okayness.

Because if you grew up with an abusive parent,

They will have told you that whatever you do,

Whoever you are,

It's never enough.

And it's almost like a compulsion that people have subconsciously to repeat that experience of rejection.

I really want you to think about how do you feel after being rejected?

And are you reaching out because you truly want to?

Or are you reaching out because you feel obligated?

Think about those three things,

Right?

There is a want,

True want,

Which is authentic,

That is you,

That is purely you.

And then there are things that we have to,

Right?

But those things about survival,

You need a roof over your head,

You need food,

You know,

That sort of thing.

And then there are the shoulds.

And the shoulds often come from the outside.

It's what society tells us we should be doing,

Or who we should be.

So sometimes it's really difficult to distinguish what is the should and what is the want.

And I want you to go with the want.

And sometimes it's the not want.

And then the last question I have for you is,

What alternative ways can you express love or care without exposing yourself to rejection?

There are healthy alternatives,

And I have talked about them in previous podcasts.

And one is that building of a chosen family.

That means surrounding yourself with people who offer mutual care and respect,

The people who have proven that they deserve the privilege of being in your circle.

Focus on people who actually do show up.

So instead of yearning for relationships that aren't reciprocated,

And that deep,

You know,

You need to deep your bonds with those who do appreciate you.

Spend time creating new traditions with supportive people in your life.

A really nice idea is actually starting a legacy project.

What's a legacy project?

Well,

It's creating something meaningful that reflects your love and values.

You know when I talked about that box of letters or messages or the recordings?

Well,

It's a bit like that.

You can create a scrapbook or a journal or a family recipe book for your nieces and nephews to have someday.

An example would be writing letters to them,

Like I mentioned before,

And later you're sharing it with them.

But you could also make a family album,

Scrapbook,

Whatever you can think of,

Something creative,

Something that you can pass on to them.

And maybe then they can pass on to their children.

I want you to know that you have the power to decide what you are going to do.

You don't need to continue to reach out,

But you can choose to.

It's all about choice.

You do not have to,

But if you want,

You can choose to.

You have a choice.

There is no right or wrong decision.

That's really important to understand.

There's no right or wrong decision.

There is only the choice that aligns with your values and with your well-being.

And remember,

The way you take care of yourself,

You model to the people who are around you.

The better you take care of yourself,

The more you are a healthy role model.

Not just to younger people,

But to everyone who cares about you.

We are giving other people subconsciously permission,

Not that they need the permission,

But we subconsciously do,

That also they can take care of themselves.

And in that sense,

You are modeling healthy self-care and taking care of one's own well-being,

Setting healthy boundaries,

And also you valuing your energy,

Your generosity,

And your circle.

And I'm going to say something really cheesy for you.

The holidays are about love and about connection.

But here comes the cheesy bit.

That love has to start with how you treat yourself.

So whether you choose to reach out or take a step back,

Let it come from a place of strength,

Self-respect,

And emotional care.

Well,

That's it for today.

And I will see you in the next episode.

And again,

Thank you so much for your emails and keep them coming.