Gaslighting 101: Recognize And Counter Manipulation

In this episode, we unpack the psychological manipulation of gaslighting - what it is, how to recognize it, and why it happens. Through thoughtful examples and practical strategies, we explore how gaslighting affects your self-trust and emotional well-being, and how to protect yourself from its impact.

Learn to reclaim your reality, set boundaries, and begin the journey of healing.

Transcript

Welcome to Recovering from Narcissistic Relationships with me Martha Curtis. I have been helping people for the past 20 years to recover from narcissistic relationships and today I want to explain gaslighting to you. Have you ever found yourself questioning your own memory or perception or even your sanity because someone else's words or actions? Maybe you were told things such as, Well, That never happened or oh come on, You're overreacting. That is gaslighting and it's a form of emotional manipulation that is designed to make you doubt yourself. Actually, At its very worst, It is meant for you to not trust your perception and your memories anymore and to question your own sanity. So in this episode we are going to demystify gaslighting and I will be giving you tools to recognize it and I will also share some strategies to protect yourself. So let's define gaslighting. What is it? As I said before, It's a form of psychological manipulation where the abuser tries to make the victim question their reality, Memories or perceptions. I had clients who were questioning their own sanity. It can get that bad. And where does this term come from? Gaslighting? What is it? Well, It's coined from a 1944 movie called Gaslight. It was about a husband who manipulates his wife into thinking she's going mad by altering their environment and denying their observations. So now you know what gaslighting is and where the term comes from. Let me tell you a little bit about the tactics of gaslighting first. There are around five different tactics that I want to deduce to and the first one is denial. What does that look like? The gaslighter will deny things they have said or done, Even when there is evidence, Which is especially crazy making, Right? So you might confront your partner about something hurtful, Some hurtful comments they have made, And all they do is respond with, I never said that, You're making it up. Then there is also minimization and that means dismissing your emotions as exaggerated or irrelevant. So let's say you express hurt about being ignored about something they have said. You want to set a boundary and all you get to hear is that you are too sensitive and that you are making a very big deal out of nothing. And there's also projection. And especially narcissists, They accuse you of behaviors or motives they themselves exhibit. And sometimes this can be so obvious. Right? So imagine, Imagine they accuse you of being manipulative, Even though this is something they are doing. Or maybe that toxic partner you have or whoever it is in your life, Maybe they are very explosive, Very dramatic, And they accuse you of that, Even though you are somebody who's actually quite good at regulating themselves. So a lot of the time what I see is that especially narcissistic people, They will project their own stuff onto other people. They might even talk to you about other people and how those other people do things that they would never do. Or say they would never do, But actually it's something that they themselves do. And this is actually quite confusing, Isn't it? Because you realize, When you really think about it, You realize how little self-awareness that person has. But if you are in the midst of the manipulation and you're quite far in, You might not even be able to detect it anymore, Because your own sense of perception has been so warped. So let's talk about the next thing, And that's manipulating facts. And manipulating facts might look like twisting or fabricating information to suit their own narrative. So they clearly say, Remember you had that agreement, And then they very obviously say, We never said that. I never said that. We never decided that. They might even fabricate conversations you have never had. Or they might fabricate agreements you have made, Or things you have committed to, That you have never committed to. Also there is withholding and diversion. So let's say that you want to talk to them about something really important. Maybe they have hurt you. Maybe you want to hold them accountable. Maybe you want an apology. And so what they do is, They might refuse to engage. They might say, I don't have time for that. Or they might even refuse to read your messages. Or they switch track. So you could find yourself in these circular conversations where you say, Hey, You know, When you said X, Y, Z, That really hurt me. Can we talk about that? And then they just say, Well, You say things that hurt me. So they just attack you back, Rather than taking accountability. And even if you say things like, Well, That's okay. Let's talk about mine first, And then we can talk about your concerns too. They will want to talk about their concerns first, And then neglect yours. And this is a diversion technique that they're using. And I know that we often talk about romantic relationships, Or relationships with parents. But I also want to bring up relationships that you might have at work. And what sometimes happens with the bully boss is that they will also fabricate agreements. Or they will withhold information from you. And so you can't do something. And then they blame you for not doing something that they haven't even told you about. That's a typical bully tactic. And at some point, I will be also doing some podcasts about workplace bullying. But let's talk next about that psychological impact that gaslighting has on you. So the first thing that happens is that slow chipping away, That erosion of trust in yourself. That gaslighting can make you doubt your own memory, Your own instincts, And even your own decisions. So let's say somebody has told you that abuser has told you, Oh, You're just being so forgetful. You're so forgetful. And then because of that, When we hear something over and over and over again, We might start believing it. And guess what? It becomes the self-fulfilling prophecy. And then you start second-guessing something, Whether you have misplaced things, Or whether you have forgotten that you have said something, Or that you have agreed to something, That you have committed to something. You start second-guessing yourself more and more and more. And what that leads to is this emotional confusion. So you might start feeling really, Really unsure about your own emotions. And you start wondering if actually you are overreacting to things, Or maybe even if you're imagining things, Even if there is evidence. Let's say you have seen on your computer, And I work with someone where that happened, Where they looked at someone's computer, And they saw that their partner was having flirty conversations with a colleague. And they confronted them about that, And their partner actually gaslit them into believing that it is nothing, Even though the evidence was on the screen. And you might be thinking, Hang on a minute, How can you see the evidence and still believe your abusive partner? Because the more you are exposed to gaslighting, The goal is to confuse you, To question your own sanity, Your own perceptions. So the further along you are in that process, The more you are doubting yourself. In the beginning, It might be very clear to you because you're still less affected from it. But the further in you get, The more and more you question yourself until, Finally, You question your own sanity. So if you are repeatedly told that you are too emotional, You might start suppressing your feelings altogether. And then you become really insecure. And when you're insecure about yourself, You might start depending on the gaslighter. And that is also part of the manipulation towards isolation. And so your self-trust diminishes more and more and more. And you may lean on the gaslighter for validation or even for reality checks. And guess what? You're not getting any reality back from them. So when people come to see me first for therapy, Because oftentimes they might not even know that they have a narcissistic partner or have grown up with a narcissistic parent or somebody really toxic and abusive, The first thing they do and they want to figure out is reality. What's the reality? They do reality checks. So I teach them how do they can actually test their own reality. And I will talk about that a little later. But I'd stay with that dependency on the gaslighter. So you might start asking them, Hey, Was I really being rude or did I really say that? And they might also tell you that you have no friends or you can't trust your friends or how you can't see it. And then you start doubting your friendships or your family and you slowly get more and more isolated. And so you depend more and more on the gaslighter to tell you what the reality is, Because you have lost complete trust in yourself. And don't worry, We will be talking about strategies on how to deal with that and how to heal. But next, Let me explain to you why people actually gaslight. And the first thing is very, Very obvious, And that is control and power. And like I said just earlier on, Gaslighting is often used to dominate or diminish another person. So a narcissistic partner might gaslight you to keep you dependent on them and to keep you compliant. Also, If you're around a narcissist, You will not see any accountability. They completely avoid accountability. They will deny reality and that allows them to evade responsibility for their actions. For you, When you do something, When you hurt someone intentionally or intentionally, And then you realize, Oops, That wasn't the right thing to do, It might be no problem to hold yourself accountable and to take responsibility and apologize. You might be thinking, But why can't they do that? Because it doesn't fit into the way they not just see themselves, But actually need to see themselves. And lastly, They also gaslight because of that insecurity. So it stems from this fear of losing control or even being exposed. What I see a lot in my practice is people whose partners diminish their achievements. Let's say they have done some certifications or they have learned something. They have an achievement, Right? They have achieved something. Maybe they had a promotion and their partner diminishes that. And it is because of jealousy. Maybe they don't do what they want to do. Maybe they didn't have the opportunity, Whatever it is. And so they don't take it seriously. They don't praise you or don't celebrate with you. And it's because they are oftentimes jealous of your achievements and they want to also undermine your confidence. And that actually also happens with parents. Maybe you had good grades or you did something really cool at school and you want to show to your parent and you got no response. Maybe, You know, And I've heard these stories over and over again when clients have memories of being in preschool and they were doing something with pottery for the parents gifts, Let's say for Mother's Day and give it to the mother and they just don't like it. Rather than, Oh, It's really good. Oh, How did you do that? And be really engaged and nurturing of the child and showing appreciation. They just get criticism or complete dismissal. And then, Of course, Oftentimes that is then later repeated in relationships. Sometimes victims of narcissistic abuse, Well, Oftentimes they are very creative, Courageous people and narcissists can't deal with that. So they, The narcissist might sometimes say things like, Well, You haven't achieved anything. What have you done? You're not doing anything, Even though you have a whole list of things you have done. And sometimes you might have done these things just to please the narcissist. It might not be even things that you wanted to do. And if you live with someone toxic, You might be running the whole household. You might be the main provider in some cases. You know, You might be being the cook and the cleaner and the nurturer and you're doing everything and it's never good enough. And that is also gaslighting. To tell you that you are not good enough, Whatever you do is not up to their standard. So that you try harder and harder and harder and harder and you become more and more dependent on the abuser. Now you're wondering, Hang on a minute, Am I being gaslit maybe? And so there are a few questions you can ask yourself. And the first one is, Do you frequently second guess yourself in their presence? Or if you think about something that is related to that person? And also, Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells around them? Do you second guess what you might want to say or whether you want to say anything, Whether you actually want to challenge them or not? And are you afraid of their reaction? And are they, Have they ever or have they or do they regularly dismiss your feelings as either irrational or overly emotional? Are they saying that you are exaggerating, That you are making things up or maybe that you want to fabricate arguments? Maybe they are playing the victim. Maybe they say, Oh, You always attack me. I don't. Maybe they are accusing you that they are never, That you make them feel not good enough. And also ask yourself, Do you often feel like you have to apologize even when you're not sure what you've done wrong? Really urge you to think about these questions because if you have responded with yes to some of those or even maybe all of those, Then there is a very high chance that you are being gaslit. Let's move on to strategies to counter gaslighting. And this is not for just for romantic relationships or family relationships. This is also for work relationships. And number one, Most importantly, Is to validate your own reality. You need to validate your own reality. And what you can do is to write down what happened as soon as you feel gaslit. And I recommend that you keep a journal and that will help you maintain clarity. And if you live with the toxic person, Keep the journal secure. Keep it secure. Don't let the person find it. So you might say something like, On Monday they told me I was responsible for a mistake even though I have the email proving otherwise. So if it's at work, Keep a written track record. If you find yourself in meetings with your manager, For example, Or with a colleague, And you decide on the next action you will be taking or something they will be doing, After a meeting, Summarize that meeting and send them an email thanking for the meeting. And these are the points that you have decided on. And if they don't respond, You take it as their agreement. This is how you secure yourself. Always keep a written track record and note. And I also always say to my clients, Note down who, What, When, How. Who did it? When did they say it? What did they say? Who else was there as well? What's the date? When did they do it and how? So answer those questions and take note. The second step to counter gaslighting is to set boundaries. And with somebody who is a very, Very committed gaslighter, That's very difficult. What you can do though is to limit conversations with a gaslighter when they become manipulative. So if they start being manipulative, You could say things like, I'm happy to discuss this, But not if you keep dismissing my feelings. And sometimes that might mean that you will never discuss this, Because again, They don't like to be held accountable. Also important is to seek outside validation. And that means that you share your experiences with trusted friends or a therapist to regain perspective. And if you're in a toxic relationship, Your partner might have isolated you from your friends and your family. And you might find yourself in that position where you don't have anyone to share your experiences with. So you can do that in online forums, Even reading other people's experiences, You will see that you are not alone with that. I also run groups for people who have been or are in toxic relationships. And I can tell you being surrounded by people who have the same experience is part of the healing journey. It's incredibly validating. I often hear things such as, Oh my goodness, I was doubting myself. I can't believe that there's so many people who have the same experience. They experience a sense of relief. And you see, I'm not alone with this. This is actually a thing that is happening. I am not going crazy. Really, Really, Really important. What's also important is how we communicate. And so you can use assertive communication. And that means you respond with confidence to challenge manipulation. Again, First think beforehand, Is this even going to work? Because again, Accountability denial. But you can say things such as, I remember it differently and I stand by my memory of events. And that's it. And then you walk away. And you might have proof of things. However, Again, Even showing evidence might not work because they are so good at denying things. Or sometimes they just say, I don't remember. Or that never happened, Even if you show them evidence. So please be aware of that. How much energy you actually want to invest in this? Is it really important to you to argue something that they will never accept, Even in the light of evidence? So lastly, Really need to consider whether it might be healthier to distance yourself. Because if that gaslighting persists and the relationship remains harmful, Stepping back might be necessary. So you might want to either reduce contact or end the relationship if your well-being is consistently undermined. Constant gaslighting and abuse, Whether that is from a partner or family member or even friends or at work, Can lead to depression. It can lead to anxiety. It can even cause PTSD or complex post-traumatic stress disorder. And you don't want to get there. Or maybe you are already there. So I want to let you know that there is help. There are things you can do. You can heal. And I see it over and over and over again. So let's talk about healing from gaslighting. The first step really is that rebuilding of self-trust. And we'll say something really obvious. And one thing is practice mindfulness to reconnect with your instincts. And it's very simple things. It's even just going on a walk, A mindfulness walk. Just see what you feel, What you notice. Those simple things. Noticing the wind on your skin, You know, Nice autumn weather, Maybe. Or you're just listening to the sound your footsteps are making when you walk on grass or when you walk on gravel or on the pavement. Those kind of things, Just simple things. Notice the things around you, Right? You can also use affirmations. You can say to yourself, I trust my memory and perception of events. Now the thing with affirmations is there might be a part of you that says, Yeah, Right. How would you know? So that, You know, They don't always work. So you need to, When you do affirmations, I really want to encourage you to strengthen them with evidence. Like this has happened. My friend has confirmed this. I've got this in my calendar. I have taken pictures. So when you do affirmations, Think about the evidence that you can provide for them. And also think about maybe strengths that you have used. And of course, There is therapy and there are also support groups. Therapy can help you process this emotional damage. It can also help you rebuild confidence. It can help you to challenge those distorted beliefs that the skysliding instilled in you. And what you also can do is to foster healthy relationships. And even if you have been isolated from your friends and your family, You can reconnect with those people. Surround yourself with people who respect and validate your reality. I'd invest in friendships that uplift and empower you. Maybe think back or make a list of friends or people you you used to know or still know. And think about what each of these individuals has contributed to your well-being in the past. And also think about who are those energizers and who are those de-energizers. Because everybody has at some point had that friend who's always pessimistic. You know, That cynical friend or somebody who has this really sarcastic humor. And that can be very de-energizing. So create a circle of people around you who are optimistic, Who are validating. And of course, Your friends might not be in a good place either. And you might want to support them as well at some point. I'm not saying dismiss friends who are in a bad place right now. But just think about what is nurturing for you. Really, Really, Really important. So my last message for you is gaslighting is a very powerful form of emotional manipulation. But recognizing it is the first step to breaking free. I want you to remember you are not overreacting. You are not imagining things. And your perception is valid. By trusting yourself, By setting boundaries and by seeking support, Surrounding yourself with good validating people, You can protect your reality and your emotional well-being. My challenge to you is to journal about any kind of relationships where you feel gaslighting might be present. And I want you to ask yourself, How can you start taking steps to validate your reality today? That's all for now about gaslighting. And I always welcome your messages. I'm looking forward to them. Send me any questions you have, Ideas for podcasts. I'd love to hear from you. Until then, Lots of love and I see you next time.

Reviews

Thank you for clearly explaining what gaslighting is, who is doing it, and how to identify it when it happens. There is usually so much chaos when gaslighting goes on, nothing seems clear or easily identifiable when it is happening!
THANK YOU ✨🙏✨

Thanks for another good talk.

Oh yes!, gaslighting is a tricky one but the truth is Always the truth.

On my journey to heal, I came across a saying that is funny but true... Never get into the ring and argue with a pig. Because they like it and always play dirty!"
Accountability & self reflection does not exist when it comes to narcissists.
It's a hard truth to learn and gaslighting causes much harm to our well-being.
I am a survivor and I don't say that lightly because the two women before me died. My counsellor said it was due to the narcissists long term behaviour. I'm told I literally dodged a bullet! Incredibly, I suspect that they were right based on my health & wellbeing at the time of leaving my 10 year relationship with another narcissistic. Totally exhausted and a shadow of my former self that was lost, afraid, alone & not well at all.
I'm single now for 3 years & as much as it would be nice to have a loving partner, I choose to solely focus on my healing & acceptance of ME. I'm alone, happy and content in my peaceful life.
Finally.

Namaste 🪷 🙏

Ps. Journalling works!

This talk explains gaslighting so clearly and has really validated my feelings. Thank you 🙏