There is a moment in some friendships where something becomes impossible to ignore.
You care,
You stay curious,
You remain emotionally available.
And slowly you realize that the movement is mostly coming from one side.
Not necessarily in dramatic ways,
Not in obvious betrayals,
But in effort.
And if you have ever found yourself holding a friendship together while telling yourself that this is just how it is,
Then this is for you.
My name is Martha Curtis.
I'm a psychotherapist and coach.
I work with creatives and I support individuals who are or have been in abusive or high control relationships.
Many of the people I work with are generous in friendship,
Not just emotionally,
But energetically.
And often the pain doesn't come from conflict,
It comes from imbalance.
And in this talk we are going to explore what happens when care is present in a friendship,
But reciprocity isn't.
We will look at how reciprocity actually functions,
Why imbalance is often minimized rather than named and how people slowly adapt to carrying more than their share without realizing what it costs them.
And to be very clear,
This talk is not about blaming the other person.
This talk is about restoring proportion.
And I hope that by the end of this talk you will feel clearer about what you've been sensing.
You may recognize patterns that once felt vague or confusing,
And you may feel steadier in your understanding that reciprocity is not an extra,
It's actually a foundation.
Reciprocity does not mean symmetry.
It doesn't mean equal time,
Equal energy,
Or identical availability.
It means responsiveness.
It means that effort is noticed and met,
That care moves back and forth,
That one person isn't always adapting while the other remains unchanged.
Reciprocity is not perfection.
Instead it is participation.
Friendships rarely become imbalanced overnight.
It happens gradually.
One person becomes more accommodating,
More patient,
They adjust schedules,
They manage disappointment,
They carry the emotional continuity.
At first this feels like generosity.
Over time it becomes expectation.
Many people struggle to name lack of reciprocity because it feels petty.
Oh,
It's not a big deal,
They're not doing anything wrong,
I don't want to keep score.
But reciprocity isn't about accounting,
It's about sustainability.
When a relationship consistently requires you to stretch while the other person remains comfortable,
Something is off.
So let's talk about the difference between kindness and overextension.
Kindness flows outward,
Overextension drains inward.
When you are consistently overextending,
You may notice fatigue after interactions.
It might mean that you have lower enthusiasm,
Or a sense of resignation.
And it might also reduce your self-expression.
And those are not signs of emotional maturity,
They are actually signals of imbalance.
And this is one of the hardest realizations in adult friendships.
You can genuinely like someone,
You can enjoy their company,
You can care deeply about them,
And still the relationship may not function in a way that supports you.
Affection does not automatically create reciprocity.
And rather than naming imbalance,
Many people adapt internally.
They expect less,
They prepare less,
They stop reaching out,
They tell themselves that it doesn't matter.
And this adaptation keeps the friendship going,
But changes how present you are within it.
And you might want to pause the recording here to reflect on the next few questions.
Who tends to adapt more in this friendship?
How do I feel before and after contact?
What effort am I contributing that isn't being mirrored?
What have I normalized that once felt off?
You don't need to answer everything.
Just let the questions surface.
Restoring proportion does not require confrontation.
Often it begins internally.
You stop compensating,
You stop filling gaps automatically,
You allow the relationship to show you its natural rhythm.
And that is not withdrawal,
It is simply observation.
What happens when you stop carrying the connection on your own?
When you stop over-functioning,
One of two things usually happens.
Either the other person steps in,
Noticing the shift and adjusting,
Or the connection thins,
Revealing how much you were holding together.
Neither outcome is necessarily a failure.
Again,
Both are information.
Friendship without reciprocity is exhausting,
Not because you care too much,
But because care isn't being met.
And you are allowed to notice that,
You are allowed to want a balance.
And you are allowed to let relationships be defined by how they actually function,
Not how much you wish they would.
Reciprocity is not a luxury,
It's what allows care to endure.
And if this resonates with you,
Consider sharing it with someone who keeps giving in friendships while shrinking themselves.
