Empathy Vs. Enabling In Narcissistic Relationships

In this episode, we explore the delicate balance between empathy and enabling in narcissistic relationships. Learn why narcissists exploit your compassion, how enabling reinforces their control, and how to set boundaries that protect your emotional well-being. By the end of this episode, you’ll feel empowered to support others without losing yourself.

Transcript

Welcome to Recovering from Narcissistic Relationships with me Martha Curtis.

Today we will be talking about empathy versus enabling in narcissistic relationships and knowing when to step back.

So imagine you are trying to support a narcissistic parent,

Partner or friend and they lean on you for emotional validation,

Constantly demand your time and energy,

And they dismiss your boundaries as selfish.

And of course,

Because you have empathy and kindness and love for them,

You want to help.

But no matter how much you give,

It is never enough.

And here's the question.

When does your empathy become a tool they use to control and manipulate you?

And how do you step back without losing yourself or feeling guilty?

Especially if they are shaming and guilting you,

To supply them with more and more and more.

By the end of this episode,

You will understand why narcissists exploit empathy,

How enabling reinforces their behavior and how you can break free from this dynamic.

And you will walk away with tools to set compassionate boundaries and regain your emotional power.

Most importantly,

You will feel lighter and more confident in your ability to protect yourself.

I promise you this.

And you will feel empowered to support others without losing yourself in the process.

So let's get started.

Right.

What is the definition of empathy?

We all know what empathy is on a feeling level,

But what is it actually?

It's the ability to understand and share another person's feelings.

And in a healthy relationship,

Empathy fosters trust and connection.

Let me give you an example.

Let's say your partner comes home or a friend or your housemaid and something happened,

They're not feeling right.

So you sit with them,

You listen to them without judgment,

You give them the space they need and you ask them how they would like you to support them.

Now,

Have you had that experience where you had shared something with someone and you just wanted them to listen and don't hear any judgment?

You just wanted them to understand and empathize.

And instead they started saying things like,

Of course this happened because you always do this.

Or why didn't you try this?

Why didn't you?

And you get this sinking feeling in your heart and you think,

Oh,

I wish I hadn't shared anything.

Of course,

Because you have empathy,

That's not what you do to others.

Even if you're frustrated,

At least I hope so.

If you are someone who is very kind,

People pleaser even,

Or maybe an echoist,

You know,

The complete opposite of a narcissist,

Somebody who believes that they simply exist to serve others,

What you actually might be doing is enabling.

Let me explain.

Enabling occurs when your empathy leads you to excuse,

Tolerate or perpetuate the narcissist's harmful behavior.

What unfortunately is very common is that when people grow up with narcissistic parents or one narcissistic parent,

The other parent oftentimes can be an enabler.

So when one parent rages,

The other parent might just say,

Oh,

You know how they are.

They're just stressed.

So if you had this experience,

You will have felt very unsupported.

You will have felt very exposed.

The other parent will have enabled your narcissistic parent's behavior by not confronting them,

By not holding them accountable,

Bearing in mind that narcissists don't take responsibility for their actions.

Maybe you felt that the other parent,

The enabling parent,

Just created peace,

But not confronting,

That is not peace,

Of course.

Why do narcissists actually exploit empathy?

It's very simple.

It is supply.

And that supply is a sense of control and a sense of validation.

Narcissistic people often rely on others to regulate their emotions and to validate their self-worth.

But don't be mistaken.

Just because you rely right now on other people to validate your self-worth,

It doesn't make you a narcissist.

OK,

Let me give you another example.

And this is so common.

Let's talk about relationships where the tasks at home are not equally divided,

Because sometimes it's just one partner who runs the whole household,

Who does the mental labor,

Who does the emotional labor.

And sometimes once in a blue moon,

The narcissistic partner does something.

Let's say they do the dishes for a change and they want constant praise for this minor achievement.

So even though you run the whole household and you think,

OK,

That's great that they did the dishes,

But I do this every day for the past 10,

20 years.

So you don't provide them with this validation,

With a big enough thank you,

Maybe just,

Oh,

Thanks.

And they wanted something else.

They might lash out or they might accuse you of being unsupportive or ungrateful.

By the way,

Narcissistic parents very often accuse their children of being ungrateful.

And I'm not talking about parents who just forgot to teach their children simple manners,

Such as saying please and thank you.

They want you to thank them for giving you life,

For putting you here on this earth.

It's like that.

So they want supply.

But they also use empathy.

They exploit your empathy to avoid accountability.

They will manipulate your empathy to deflect responsibility for their actions.

Let's look at a French example.

Let's imagine your friend constantly breaks promises.

And at some point you're thinking,

Hey,

This is a pattern and it's really hurtful.

I show up when we say we will meet and I sit there and they never show up.

What's going on?

And you confront them,

You ask them,

Hey,

Hang on,

What's going on here?

And instead of saying very calmly,

I'm so sorry,

I've got lots going on.

And I,

I'm really sorry.

And how can I,

How can I make good again?

They react very differently.

They might still say they have a lot going on,

But they will react in a really angry way or they will play the victim.

How can you bring this up?

You know,

I've got a lot going on.

And so they will avoid taking responsibility for the actions or inactions.

Especially covert narcissists will tend to play the victim.

They will,

They will accuse you of being unreasonable or of being mean or maybe of being jealous or trying to sabotage them.

Every time you want to bring something up,

You might get confronted with them playing victim.

Narcissistic people also exploit empathy to reinforce their power dynamic.

They might thrive on being the center of attention and your empathy keeps the focus on them,

Even when it harms you.

Maybe you have somebody in your life who always has some drama going on and you wonder how can somebody have so much drama in their life?

What's going on?

And sometimes,

Yeah,

Sometimes life throws lots of curveballs and that's just how it is.

But I'm talking about patterns here,

Right?

We're looking out for patterns.

So let's say it's Thanksgiving and you have that one sibling and they keep going on about their dramas.

And for you,

Those are not really dramas.

They're just constant conflict that seem maybe really familiar to you because you used to have or still have those conflicts with your sibling.

They are doing something to to generate drama.

And so the whole Thanksgiving is just taken up with their dramas.

Or that friend.

That friend who is an ask-hole.

Ask.

A-S-K-H-O-L-E.

You know what that is?

Keeps asking for your advice.

Oh,

This has happened.

This has happened.

What shall I do?

And you think,

Oh my goodness,

Okay,

I give you some,

Of course,

I give you support.

So you make suggestions.

You offer your help.

And every time you do that,

They don't take your advice.

They don't take your support.

Or they pretend to take it,

But something goes wrong.

By the way,

This is a psychological game that Eric Byrne,

The founder of Transaction Analysis,

Has termed the why-don't-you-yes-but game.

I won't go into detail,

But basically it's you saying,

Why don't you try this?

And every time you get something like,

Well,

Yeah,

But I can't.

Oh,

Yeah,

But I tried.

Oh,

Yeah,

But you always get the yes-but.

And that can also keep you hooked in,

Because if you give them so much advice and support and it doesn't happen,

It can hook some people in,

Especially if you are a fixer.

And in that way,

They keep you trapped.

And this is how they reinforce those power dynamics.

What they are also doing there is they are transferring their own frustration onto you.

They might be frustrated with something,

But they see themselves as the victim,

Because that's a very powerful position to not be in,

But to see oneself in.

And by denying or rejecting your advice,

Then you become frustrated.

And they get a sense of relief.

And that might be just,

Ha,

I made them do this.

I made them feel something that I don't want to deal with.

And of course,

That is not something that most people do consciously.

It's a subconscious dynamic.

It's a subconscious behavior,

A reaction.

And it's not just something that narcissists do.

Normal people like you and I can do these kinds of things outside of our awareness.

The difference is,

When you have empathy and you're aware that you are doing this,

You change it.

Somebody who is narcissistic doesn't,

Because again,

They don't take responsibility,

And it doesn't serve them,

Because this yes-but game keeps people hooked in,

So they have power and control over someone's emotions.

Let me ask you this.

Have you found yourself justifying someone's behavior to others?

And maybe constantly?

Or maybe you are even justifying someone's behavior to you?

Maybe you are digging a lot into someone else's past traumas by trying to explain their behavior and thinking,

Hey,

Maybe if I explain things to them,

Maybe they will work on themselves.

And so you wait,

And you have this patience that maybe at some point they will change,

Maybe at some point they will understand.

Is there someone in your life where you think,

Well,

They've had a tough life,

Or that's just how they are,

Even though you're always the target of the hurtful actions?

Or maybe someone else is their target?

And is there someone who makes you feel drained from meeting their endless emotional and practical demands?

And maybe it feels like whatever you do,

Nothing changes,

Or maybe sometimes there is a glimmer of hope,

But then it's all back to point A?

And let me ask you this.

And let me ask you this.

Are you currently neglecting your own needs to avoid conflict with someone?

I got news for you.

You might be walking on eggshells.

Do you fear that setting boundaries is not an option because of how they might react?

Again,

I have news for you.

You might be enabling their behavior to continue.

Now,

I don't want you to blame yourself for it.

I don't want you to feel shame or anger towards yourself,

Because again,

Most likely this is either a very old pattern that you might have experienced with your caregivers,

Most likely your parents or someone else with a previous relationship,

And you will have learned that this is your way of survival.

And so this is just a behavior,

A belief that you had to adopt at some point,

But it is something that you can change.

The first step,

Of course,

Is just to realize that there is a dynamic there in your life that is really unhealthy,

And unless you make a change,

This will continue.

And that means that you will have enabled them.

Of course,

Just because you stop and you set a boundary,

It doesn't guarantee that this person will stop their behavior.

That's also very important to understand.

We cannot make someone change.

We cannot make someone change their behavior or their way of thinking.

So what happens if you constantly just give?

Constantly give without any reciprocity,

You will experience,

Or maybe you are already experiencing emotional exhaustion,

And that might lead to bitterness.

This is actually something I see a lot in people who have elderly parents who are toxic,

And those parents might demand a lot of visits.

And they will guilt you.

They will say,

Oh,

I haven't seen anyone in ages,

Even if it isn't true.

Sometimes it might be true,

But hey,

There might be a good reason why people don't want to visit.

So you visit and you do things for them,

And whatever you do,

It's just not enough.

You will be emotionally so exhausted,

You will be burned out emotionally.

Maybe you already are.

So you go,

You are the dutiful adult child,

And you go and you visit,

You do everything for them.

And I'm not saying stop visiting them.

I'm just saying you have to find your own solution that does not enable their behavior.

And you might go there and they don't ask about your life.

They don't give you any kind of emotional support,

And you feel really unseen.

And again,

Not good enough.

You feel bad about yourself,

You feel frustrated,

You're exhausted.

Maybe you even go and they just throw their anger at you and they use you as their emotional doormat.

And this is not who you are.

And I will be talking about how to deal with elderly parents who are toxic and who rely on your support in a future episode.

But this is what happens when you constantly give.

You don't set boundaries.

You just enable that behavior to continue because they know you're there.

You are that person that carries all the uncomfortable stuff that they are unwilling or unable to deal with themselves.

And if you continue to do that,

There's another consequence.

And this consequence is your erosion of your self-worth.

Because over time,

Enabling reinforces the other person's,

A toxic person's narrative that your role is to serve or to support them no matter what.

And it will diminish your sense of autonomy.

You can start feeling like this is your sole job.

Your sole job is to keep them level.

Your sole job might be to keep them somehow regulated.

Sorting out someone else's self-regulation that they don't have,

That is not your job.

But it dysregulates your own nervous system.

So when you are enabling somebody just by using so much empathy and loving kindness towards them,

It could reinforce their toxic behaviors.

That enabling shields the narcissist from consequences.

And it allows those harmful patterns to persist and to persist.

There is a lot of talk about just show kindness,

Just show kindness,

Just show kindness.

And there's a misunderstanding about what actually constitutes kindness.

Kindness is not enabling bad behavior.

People have this,

Or some people have this belief that if I'm just kind to this person,

They will learn because I lead by example.

Unfortunately,

That doesn't always work.

Sometimes we can lead with kindness and then people learn how to show it.

They learn it from us,

But it doesn't always work.

And there is this magical thinking that really says,

Hey,

If you just show kindness at some point,

People will accept it.

And you might be thinking that as well.

Maybe this is something that you have internalized,

Maybe through religious or spiritual views,

Or maybe it was just a narrative in your family or in your culture,

Wherever it comes from.

I want you to know that kindness is not enabling.

So if you enable somebody's bad behavior,

That is actually not kindness.

It actually is the opposite of it,

Because you are not showing yourself kindness.

And also you are not giving the other person the opportunity for growth.

There is a circle of tolerance as well.

If you,

Let's say,

If you allow your partner to be rude to you,

They will learn that,

Yeah,

That's totally normal.

And you get desensitized to it.

That also happens.

I have seen people who are extremely desensitized to their partner's rudeness,

And their partner doesn't even understand.

They might not even know that they are being rude.

It's just how they communicate.

At some point,

They came home frustrated,

And they yelled,

And there was no consequence.

And they just continued because it gives them some kind of release.

And then their partner,

The target of their anger or their rage,

Has gotten used to it.

Not saying that they'll learn to tolerate it.

That for sure not.

But they don't hear it anymore.

But it still sticks,

Of course.

It still hurts them.

So they have been enabling them.

There are many,

Many ways of stepping back without guilt.

Because in the beginning,

You might feel very guilty about setting boundaries,

Or speaking out,

Or maybe deciding that you will not provide as much support.

Especially if we are talking about somebody who is dependent,

Who might be frail,

Or who might be in a bad situation.

Might be somebody who is dealing with addictions,

Or constantly find themselves in some kind of drama.

But you need to recognize the role that you are playing.

You need to acknowledge that your empathy has potentially shifted to enabling.

Enabling can also look like being part of this kind of triangulation that often happens in families.

Maybe you are the person who diffuses your narcissistic sibling's arguments with the family.

But you might realize that actually their behavior is not for you to fix.

Maybe you are constantly apologizing for someone's behavior.

Let's say you go to the restaurant and your partner treats the waiter or the waitress in a very disrespectful way,

And later on you go and you apologize.

That is not your job.

Maybe,

Maybe you say to people,

Ah,

This is just how they are,

You know.

You need to shift from rescuing to empowering.

Let me explain.

There is something called the Karpman drama triangle.

And I won't go into too much detail,

But usually in these kind of dramas there is a rescuer,

A victim,

And a persecutor.

And sometimes it's not very obvious who the actual victim is,

Or the actual rescuer,

Or the actual persecutor.

But you need to stop rescuing when it becomes enabling.

If somebody sees themselves as a victim and you continuously rescue,

How will they ever realize that they have the ability,

The capability of not being a victim?

How will they ever realize that they have strengths,

That they can rely on themselves?

Okay,

This example is for people who are psychologically healthy,

Kind of,

Right?

Just the normal neurotic person,

Like you and I.

But with a narcissistic person,

Of course,

It looks slightly different.

Let's say you find yourself in a situation where usually you would have supported the narcissistic person,

Or you would have excused their actions.

What you need to do is,

Rather than giving your energy outwards,

You need to give it to yourself.

You can take a break.

You can walk away.

You can say,

Okay,

I have heard enough.

You don't have to say that to the other person.

You can just say that to yourself.

Okay,

I have heard enough.

You can listen to your body.

Something doesn't feel right.

Maybe you start feeling tense,

Or maybe you start feeling tired,

Whatever your individual reaction is.

And you can choose to remove yourself from that situation.

Or maybe your partner comes home,

And they are raging about something that has happened at work,

And they are yelling,

And it's really,

Really unpleasant.

First of all,

Nobody has a right to yell at you.

Nobody has a right to act in any kind of aggressive way towards you,

First of all.

But let's say they are not yelling.

Let's say they just keep on venting,

Venting,

Venting.

You sit there,

And you just swallow their energy,

And you feel more and more exhausted.

What you can do is,

You can validate by saying something like,

I'm sorry you're feeling this way,

And then you ask them an open-ended question.

And it might be something like,

How do you think you can address this?

You're not fixing it for them.

You're just asking them.

You encourage their thinking.

Again,

This example would most likely not work with a narcissistic person,

Because they don't want a solution.

They just want to vent.

Okay,

They just want to feed on your energy.

And you do that by being passive and listening.

So you're visiting your elderly parents,

And they're being unreasonable.

They're guilting you.

They're shaming you.

They're venting.

You can say to them,

Hey,

You know,

I care about you,

But I need to focus on my own well-being as well.

And then you just say that you can't have this discussion right now.

And if they don't listen,

They get even more angry,

Or maybe they rage,

You walk away.

You have to show consequences.

So if you want to keep the contact going,

You have to be persistent.

You have to stick to the consequences.

You can't rescue them.

You have to let them face the consequences.

You have to allow the narcissist to experience the natural outcomes of their actions.

Sometimes people feel pleasure from letting others wait for them.

I know it sounds crazy.

To you and I,

It does.

But sometimes that's what people do.

They feel that if somebody is waiting for them and gives them a sense of superiority,

You know,

There's this saying,

The later the evening,

The better the guests.

Forget about that.

I have a very simple rule.

I wait 15 minutes.

But if I haven't heard from them,

I will make other plans.

Because these days we have text messages,

We have a phone.

And even if somebody is stuck in traffic with a battery low,

Okay,

That happens.

But then you have honored your own time.

You have honored your own energy.

And maybe next time they will make better plans.

Or it is just what it is.

They're stuck in traffic.

It's not their fault.

But potentially,

It is something that they do also to make you feel inferior because they make you wait.

If you show up late,

You probably profusely apologize.

But they don't.

They just show up and they feel entitled to your time.

Let me give you another example.

And again,

It will sound very strange.

But this is more common than you think.

Maybe you are going shopping with your partner,

With your housemate,

With your parent,

With that narcissistic person.

And you go shopping.

And you are looking for things to buy.

And then they just walk off.

They just walk off.

They do their own thing.

You turn around,

They're gone.

What's happening?

And sometimes parents do that to their little children as well.

Believe it or not,

They do this to their small children.

And they do it on purpose.

Because this is how they get rid of their anger.

They're transferring their rage onto that child.

So let's imagine your housemate,

Your partner,

Whoever it is,

Walks off.

And you have done the shopping.

You have put everything in the trolley that you need.

And now it's time to go to the counter and pay.

And you can't find them anywhere.

And you run up and down the supermarket.

You can't find them.

Next time this happens,

You pay,

You go to the car and you wait for them.

Or not.

If you can't reach them after a while and you're waiting and waiting,

Well,

I guess you have to go home,

Right?

Of course,

This might lead to bigger arguments,

So be careful.

This doesn't work for every situation.

But when I'm giving you these examples,

And they sound very strange to some of you probably,

Is that you will find this kind of behavior in the most random places.

And every time you enable them,

They're more likely to happen again and again and again.

Another very common example is that friend you meet for a coffee,

And many times they forget their money.

They forget their card.

Or,

By the way,

Now we can all pay with our phones,

Right?

But let's imagine,

Oh no,

This app doesn't work.

Or,

Oh,

I have linked up my cards.

Whatever it is.

And you end up paying for them every time.

And you might be thinking,

Well,

It's not a big deal.

Maybe they don't have much money.

Maybe they just don't want to admit it,

But they want to see me.

Yeah,

Then they can tell you,

Hey,

I don't have much money.

Do you mind paying?

There is no need for game playing.

Sometimes people do that because they exploit others.

I once worked with somebody who has been in this situation.

Every time I see my friend,

And we meet for a coffee,

And sometimes we also eat a bite here and there,

They have no money.

And I mean,

I know they have money,

But they forget their card,

Or they forget their purse.

And I always end up paying somehow.

I've just realized it.

I asked,

Well,

What do you then tend to do?

And they said,

Well,

I end up paying.

And then they started thinking about all the excuses.

They actually made up excuses for the friend because they said,

Well,

Maybe they're in a difficult financial situation and they're too ashamed to admit it.

Maybe.

And then all the different reasons why they might be doing this came out.

Deep down,

Of course,

They knew there was something else.

It wasn't because they didn't have any money or they were in some kind of difficult situation.

No,

It was just their way of not having to pay because they have done it to other people as well.

So I challenged them and I said,

How would you feel if next time you meet up with them,

You just bring cash and you just bring enough cash to pay for your coffee and you leave your wallet at home and you don't,

You disconnect your cards from your payment system on your phone so that you won't be tempted and you just have enough for your coffee.

So even if you want to help out,

You won't be able to.

How about that?

And that gave them a lot of anxiety and it felt really uncomfortable.

But OK,

They took the challenge.

So they went,

Met with a friend and lo and behold,

Their friend has forgotten their wallet again.

And this time there was no opportunity for rescuing.

And guess what happened?

Oops,

Their card just magically appeared.

Their friend could pay for themselves.

I'm not saying this would happen in every situation,

If you have found yourself in similar situations,

But in that instance,

Guess what?

It was very eye-opening.

Because narcissistic people don't just drain your energy,

They don't just drain your time,

They can also drain you financially.

So let them face the consequences.

Why?

Well,

Because you need to prioritize your emotional energy.

You need to remember that prioritizing and protecting your well-being is never selfish.

It is necessary.

What I'm saying here is that you might benefit from stepping back,

Actually.

Because when you step back,

The long-term benefit is that you will regain your energy,

You will reclaim your sense of self-worth and your emotional autonomy.

And also,

Whilst it's not guaranteed,

Stepping back can sometimes encourage the other person to self-reflect.

Again,

It depends where on the spectrum they are,

Of course.

But if they don't have someone else to enable their behavior,

They might need to change.

Sometimes that change is temporary,

Though.

So don't think that,

Yep,

This is the magical solution.

It is not.

It's just a way of protecting yourself.

And of course,

They might find someone else.

And I will be talking more about elderly parents in a future episode.

At best,

You are giving somebody the opportunity for growth and for self-reflection.

And that is a gift.

You might want to help and see how they use that help,

Whether they acknowledge it,

Whether they appreciate it and show gratitude,

Whether they realize that it's very special when we give someone our time,

Our love,

Our energy.

It's not something to be wasted.

Again,

It's a privilege.

And in my podcast,

I talk a lot about the privilege of receiving someone's time and love and care.

And this is what it is.

And I'm saying this because I want you to realize that what you are giving,

What you have to offer,

Is extremely precious.

Just like you feel gratitude and appreciation for kindness from someone else,

That's what you deserve as well.

In narcissistic relationships,

Empathy can be a bit of a double-edged sword.

Well,

Not just a bit.

It is a double-edged sword,

Actually.

It is a gift when it is balanced with boundaries,

But it becomes very harmful when it shifts into enabling.

You have to remember you are not responsible for fixing someone or their problems.

Sometimes stepping back is the most compassionate thing that you can do for them and also for you to protect your well-being and potentially to foster healthier dynamics for yourself.

If there is a relationship in your life where your empathy has shifted into enabling,

How do you think you can start setting those boundaries today?

What could you change?

Give yourself some time to ponder about this after this podcast.

And if this episode has helped you understand the balance between empathy and enabling in relationships,

Not just narcissistic relationships,

Because this stuff also happens in other relationships.

Not everyone is a narcissist or toxic.

Sometimes it's just bad behaviors people have learned.

So,

If this episode has helped you,

Share it with someone who might need these insights.

I always welcome your messages and questions and suggestions.

And I hope to meet you next time in about a week's time.

And until then,

I wish you a lot of courage and self-love to set those boundaries that you need to set.