How To Lead Without Control

True leadership isn’t about control—it’s about trust, presence, and creating the conditions for others to rise. In this talk, I share a personal journey of learning to lead without gripping too tightly, drawing wisdom from fatherhood and executive coaching. You’ll discover how to shift from micromanaging to empowering, from dictating to inspiring, and from fear-driven control to trust-based leadership.

Whether you're leading a team, a business, or a family, this talk will challenge you to step back, trust more, and create space for real growth.

Transcript

What if I told you that the more you try to control something,

The more you actually lose influence over it.

That the harder you grip,

The more it slips through your fingers like sand.

Whether it's your business,

Your team,

Or your family.

So today I want to dive deeper into this concept.

Something that I personally had to learn the hard way.

One that transformed the way that I lead my life as a coach,

A business owner,

And most importantly,

As a father.

It's about leading without control.

And I want to start off with a story.

A few years ago,

I coached a founder at a company who had built a thriving business from the ground up.

And on the surface,

Everything looked great.

Revenue was growing.

The team was expanding.

But behind the scenes,

His employees were walking on eggshells.

He second-guessed every decision.

He overrode his managers.

And he got involved in every detail.

And he said to me,

If I don't control this,

It will all fall apart.

And I got it.

Because I used to be the same way.

For me,

This showed up with my son explicitly.

I found myself over-correcting,

Over-directing,

Over-reacting,

Trying to shape his every move.

And what I realized is that the more I tried to control him,

The more he resisted.

I wasn't leading.

I was micromanaging.

And that's not what fatherhood or leadership is about.

So I started asking a hard question.

What would it look like if I didn't lead with control?

What if real leadership isn't about control at all?

Now,

This isn't just my story.

This is a pattern that I'm beginning to see everywhere in boardrooms,

In coaching calls,

In fatherhood.

Men who want to be great leaders,

But feel the weight of responsibility so intensely that they grip too tightly.

And now here's the paradox.

The strongest leaders don't control.

They create conditions for others to step up.

The strongest leaders don't control.

They create conditions for others to step up.

Let's break this down a bit more.

Leadership is about storytelling and a shared purpose.

You're not dictating a vision.

You're inviting others to join in.

And there's this motivation from the inside when you do that.

When you're not dictating,

You're sharing a compelling vision that you're inviting others into.

It's about structuring relationships,

Not controlling them.

So what does that look like?

That means creating spaces where your team,

Your family,

Your community can take ownership.

In my family,

You'll often hear us use this phrase,

Way to be a part of the team.

And this is something that we started off with my son when he was practically just crawling.

We would put away the dishes,

And we would give him some of the blunt butter knives and say,

Put these here.

And we would do it with him,

And we would show him.

And then when I started cutting the grass,

He has a little push lawnmower that he would push with me.

And we would do this in many different areas for what one would call chores.

And the whole point was not for him to do it right,

But rather for him to feel as if he's a part of the team.

And now that he's older,

That's the language that he uses.

I'll say,

Hey,

Bud,

Are you a part of the team?

He goes,

Yeah.

And he'll join us.

And he'll want to join us.

And he'll say,

I'm a part of the team.

And that's what I'm talking about when I say structuring relationships,

Not controlling them,

Creating spaces to empower others.

So let's dive into this concept here.

It's about turning uncertainty into agency.

Uncertainty is really kind of fun when you lessen the risk.

It's not about eliminating the risk,

But helping people find the courage to move forward despite it.

And you might've heard the phrase creating a psychologically safe space,

But creating a space where failure,

Where looking silly is shame-free,

Shame is often a driver that gets people to play small in life.

So creating a space,

Particularly with our core teams,

Where they feel like they could ask questions,

Where they could do something that might come across as silly,

A space for them to experiment with their words,

With their work,

With their actions.

One of the most powerful examples that I've seen of this was with a client that I worked with,

We'll go by the name Dave.

He ran a multimillion dollar media agency.

His leadership style was suffocating his team.

So even though everything looked again really well on the outside,

He was suffocating his team.

The breakthrough moment was when he stopped giving orders and he started asking better questions.

When he stopped telling his team what to do and he started trusting them to figure it out.

Now this didn't happen overnight.

It took some time.

It was a culture shift,

But his company didn't collapse.

It actually ended up thriving and his people stepped up because they finally had the room to do it.

And this is when we as leaders,

We become more of a coach.

We become more of a mentor.

And this is what we want to do as parents as well.

We want to empower our kids so that they're fully autonomous,

They're self-reliant,

They're able to take ownership of their lives and change two worlds,

Their world and also the world around them.

And the way to do that is we start when they're kids.

So we're living in a time where,

Quite honestly,

I believe control is an illusion.

Markets shift overnight.

AI is disrupting entire industries every day.

And in our personal lives,

Our kids are growing up in a world we barely recognize.

This world would have been a Star Trek world to me as a kid.

This world is practically unrecognizable to the one that I grew up in and something tells me similar for you as well.

The old model of leadership,

Command,

Dictate,

Control,

This Machiavellian style of fear,

It's breaking.

It's not working anymore.

The new model,

It's about trust.

It's about adaptability.

It's about a shared purpose.

And you know what?

Quite honestly,

It requires us all to show up even more.

So how can you start leading without control today?

Here are some micro steps to start trying out.

One is to stop being the problem solver.

I'm speaking specifically to men as well with your partners.

Stop being the problem solver and start being the question asker.

Get curious about someone else's world.

So instead of,

Here's what you should do,

Try first,

What do you think is the best approach?

Instead of,

Here's what you should do,

Try,

What do you think is the best approach?

Number two,

Give people responsibility before they are ready.

This especially applies to our children.

Growth happens when we're stretched.

Lev Vygotsky called this the zone of proximal development.

It's where there's just enough stress to get you to grow,

But not enough to break you.

So give your team,

Your kids,

Your employees room to grow.

If you haven't created space for them to do that,

You got to do it.

I love taking my son rock climbing.

Why?

Because it's one of the safest sports that you can do that teaches amazing hand-eye coordination and almost ambidextrous-like ability to handle your body.

And it also empowers one to communicate so effectively,

But it feels really scary.

But it's very safe.

You have these really soft pads on the bottom.

You have ropes that keep you safe,

Yet it feels really terrifying.

And so creating these learning zones,

These spaces where we're able to feel the effect of fear and we're able to try something again in a low-risk environment.

So instead of measuring how much control you have,

Measure how much leadership you inspire and give your team,

Your kids,

Your employees room to grow.

So here's my challenge to you all.

Where in your life are you gripping too tightly?

And this applies to the spiritual journey as well.

And you might've heard that phrase,

Letting go and letting God take the reins.

Where are you leading with control instead of trust?

And what would happen if you let go just a little bit,

If you stepped back and you created space for those around you to rise?

And I'm going to hold the mirror up to myself and also ask you to do the same as well.

How can you let go a little bit of the journey that you're on?

You stepped back a little bit and you created space for you to also rise,

For you to step up.

And again,

I'm holding the mirror up to myself as well and saying,

Where can I do that as well?

And I know for one,

Even though I talk about fatherhood,

I talk about leadership,

All the stuff I talk about are things that I'm experiencing every single day.

Because the way that I've come to see it is that leadership,

Parenthood,

Isn't about holding on.

It's about lifting up.

So until next time,

Lead with trust and join me in letting go of control.