Growing Beyond Puer Aeternus And Fathering Yourself

Many men carry the Puer Aeternus—the eternal boy—within them, seeking freedom while avoiding responsibility. True freedom comes from self-leadership, and in this session, you'll learn how to father yourself by building structure, developing inner guidance, and holding yourself accountable. Drawing on wisdom from Yogananda, Jung, and leadership psychology, this session provides a roadmap to move beyond perpetual adolescence and step into mature, grounded authority. Whether you're a father, a leader, or a man ready to embody his full potential, this session will help you cultivate the discipline and wisdom needed to lead yourself—and those who depend on you.

Transcript

There's a boy inside every man,

A wild,

Untamed spark,

And he longs for adventure.

He chases dreams with the wind in his hair,

But when the world asks him to grow,

To become the man,

The leader,

The father,

He hesitates.

The Puer Eternus,

The Eternal Boy,

Is alive in many of us.

He's the man who never wants to be tied down,

Who avoids responsibility like it's a cage.

He seeks freedom,

But is blind to the deeper freedom that comes from responsibility,

From commitment,

From standing firm in his own authority.

So let's talk about how to grow beyond him,

Not by squashing him,

Not by shaming him,

Not by stuffing him inside,

But by learning to integrate his strength and his wisdom.

This is a journey of evolution,

Of initiation,

And it's one every man must take.

And it's challenging,

Especially in a world where most adults are adolescents wrapped in adult skin.

In short,

Fathering ourselves first,

We can then father our children.

By leading ourselves first,

We can then lead others.

And the world needs daring,

Courageous leaders now more than ever before.

The Eternal Boy is seductive.

He whispers to us through distractions,

Through endless scrolling,

Chasing the next thrill,

Avoiding the hard conversations.

He lives in the man who builds his identity around potential rather than execution.

In the father who is more playmate than protector.

In the leader who reacts but never initiates.

Carl Jung spoke about him,

Marion Woodman too,

And if we're honest,

We've all felt his grip.

He's Peter Pan.

He's refusing to grow up.

He's the startup founder who launches but never scales.

He's the father who chases fun with his kids but struggles to hold them when they cry.

He is the lover who disappears when things get hard.

And he is the man who stays in perpetual preparation but never steps into battle.

So here's the truth.

Without initiation,

The boy remains a boy.

He may age,

But he never fully matures.

He may gain experiences,

But he never really gains wisdom.

The only way out of the Eternal Boy is through fire,

Through initiation,

Through responsibility.

Yogananda once said,

Change yourself and you have done your part in changing the world.

True transformation is not about seeking external validation.

It's about stepping into the unknown,

Facing discomfort,

Embracing responsibility not as a burden,

But as a portal to deeper power.

Every real leader,

Every real father must go through this crucible.

The moment you choose to own your mistakes rather than blame others.

The moment you stop waiting for permission and you take daring action with integrity.

The moment you hold space for your child's emotions instead of brushing them away.

And it's the moment you choose discipline over indulgence,

Structure over chaos.

These are small acts,

But they are sacred rites of passage.

They signal the transition.

In indigenous traditions,

Boys were often led into the wilderness,

Where they faced fear alone and they returned as true adults.

And today our wilderness is different.

It's in our businesses,

It's in our homes,

It's in our marriages.

It's in every moment where we resist what is hard.

And we know deep down that we must choose to step forward anyway.

So ask yourself,

Where in your life have you avoided responsibility?

And I have a tremendous amount of compassion here,

Just to be clear.

I can relate a lot.

What I'm sharing here is a lot of what I've gone through,

Growing through right now as well.

So where in your life have you avoided responsibility?

What have you feared stepping into?

Because that right there is your initiation waiting to happen.

The Puero Ternus doesn't just live in us,

He lives in our children.

We pass him on generation to generation to generation.

And the way we lead them,

Our kids,

Determines whether they grow into mature,

True adults,

Or they remain boys wrapped in adult skin.

The truth as I've come to see it,

Is if you want your child to be emotionally strong,

You must show them what it means to process emotion rather than suppress it.

If you want your child to take responsibility for their actions,

They need to see you owning your mistakes.

Too many fathers try to control their children because they haven't yet controlled themselves.

So here's the shift.

Instead of disciplining your child,

Model discipline.

Instead of fixing their problems,

Show them how to face difficulty with courage.

Instead of telling them to be strong,

Show them what strength looks like in the form of patience,

Integrity,

Presence.

I had a moment the other day with my son.

He was struggling with something small,

Something that in my old way of being I would have easily dismissed.

But I saw it in his eyes,

The frustration,

The pain,

The way he looked at me.

It was like he was asking,

What do I do with this?

And I realized my response here will echo throughout his life.

It will be etched in his personality.

So I got on his level.

Literally,

I got on his eye level.

I breathed with him.

I didn't rush to fix.

I didn't brush it off.

I helped him name what he felt.

I showed him what it looks like to hold steady in the storm.

Because this is fatherhood.

Not fixing,

Not controlling,

But leading by who you are,

Not just by what you say.

So the eternal boy will always whisper.

He's going to be there.

He will always seek escape.

But you,

You are called to more.

You are called to be the father,

The leader,

The man who holds steady in the storm.

To take responsibility,

Not as a burden,

But as the key to your deepest freedom.

To guide your child,

Not by force,

But by example.

The boy inside you doesn't need to be extinguished.

He needs to be guided.

He needs to be integrated.

He needs to be shown the love and compassion and the courageous presence that he likely did not receive when you were younger.

He needs help being shaped into something greater,

Something that was not modeled for him by other men when you were a child.

So the question is,

Will you step up?

Will you step into this role?

There's a question that every man must ask himself,

Whether he's conscious of it or not.

Who is fathering me?

For many,

That answer is no one.

Some never had a father who could truly guide them.

Others had fathers who were physically present but emotionally absent or spiritually immature.

And even those of us who had good fathers eventually reach a point where we must stop looking outside ourselves for validation,

For wisdom and strength.

If you're listening to this and you're a father yourself,

Your child looks to you for guidance.

But what happens when you still carry an unfathered boy inside of you?

When parts of you still seek approval,

Still fear responsibility,

Still avoid the weight of your own authority?

I want to be clear here and say,

Regardless of the fathering you received,

You have the ability to father yourself.

And you're not alone in doing this.

There is a growing community of men just like yourself who are fathering each other.

We're fathering ourselves.

We're fathering ourselves into a new generation of what it means to be a father,

What it means to be a leader.

And so how do you become your own guide?

How do you become the protector and mentor to yourself?

Because the world doesn't need more men looking for fathers.

It needs more men who are fathers to themselves,

To their children and to the world around them.

So let's dive deeper into this.

Self-fathering,

Self-leadership,

It's about creating the structure,

The guidance and the accountability that you likely never received or never fully internalized.

Maybe you had a father who was harsh and critical,

So you learned to fear failure rather than embrace growth.

Maybe your father was absent,

So you learned to navigate life without a map,

Making it up as you went.

And you got pretty good at that.

Or maybe your father was kind but unable to hold strong boundaries,

Leaving you without a model of firm yet compassionate leadership.

And this often shows up in the leader who says yes to everything except themselves,

And they're wondering why they're burned out,

Why they're always caught in the weeds.

The truth is,

You are not a boy anymore.

You no longer need a father to do for you what you are capable of doing for yourself.

But this is where many men get stuck.

They think growing up means rejecting the need for fathering entirely.

They push away guidance,

Dismiss structure,

And they chase a false sense of freedom that keeps them trapped in chaos.

Real freedom?

That comes from self-leadership.

And self-leadership comes from learning to father yourself.

The first step in fathering yourself is to develop and establish structure.

A father is not just a source of love,

He is a pillar of strength.

He creates order in the midst of chaos.

He sets boundaries,

Expectations,

And routines that provide stability.

If you never had that growing up,

It's time to create it for yourself.

So start with your mornings.

How you begin your day determines how you show up in the world.

Wake up at the same time every day.

Before you touch your phone,

Take a deep breath.

Move your body.

Set your focus.

Create non-negotiable rituals for yourself.

A strong father provides consistency.

That means setting a standard for yourself,

Whether it's journaling,

Meditation,

Training,

Or reflection.

And these become unshakable.

And end your days with intention.

Instead of numbing out at night,

Take a moment to ask yourself,

Did I show up as the man I want to be today?

Where did I lead myself and others?

Where did I hide and play small?

You don't need someone else to set the structure for you.

You need to do it.

Because a father does not let his son live in disorder.

And you are both father and son now.

A great father,

He teaches his son how to listen to his own wisdom.

Not just external voices,

But the deep inner knowing that guides him toward what is right.

If you spent years second-guessing yourself,

Seeking permission,

Or hesitating on important decisions,

It's because your inner father needs more of a foundation.

And it's time to strengthen that.

So how do you do that?

You develop inner guidance.

This looks like practicing stillness.

Learn to sit in silence.

Not to escape,

But to listen.

And then ask inside,

What is my next right action?

The answer won't always come immediately,

But over time,

Your inner father will begin to speak.

When you're faced with a difficult choice,

Call to mind the strongest,

Wisest father figure you can.

Whether it's a mentor you had,

An ancestor,

Or even an idealized version of yourself 10 or 20 years from now.

And have a conversation with him.

Ask him,

What would you have me do?

Oftentimes I find the greatest wisdom comes from doing this type of exercise out in the wild.

Whether it's when I'm on my paddleboard,

Out on the ocean,

Or I'm deep in the wilderness.

The answers that emerge are incredibly helpful.

And let's talk about building a habit of decisive action.

A father teaches his son to trust himself by letting him make choices and learn with them.

And you must do the same.

There's no right way to do this thing called life.

So make a choice,

Own it,

And then adjust if needed.

But do not hesitate out of fear.

And if you're lucky enough to come into alignment with who you are,

Act out of integrity and own the results.

The more you rely on your own wisdom,

The less you seek it from others.

And the more you trust yourself,

The more your children and those that you lead will trust you too.

This shows up in the way in which we lead our businesses.

A father doesn't just offer love and wisdom.

He holds himself and his son accountable.

He ensures that what is said is followed by action.

And you must learn to do that for yourself.

So set clear standards,

Not vague aspirations.

I'm talking about concrete commitments.

How do you expect yourself to show up daily?

What behaviors are unacceptable?

Write them down.

One of my mentors said to me,

Act in a way where you are being watched all the time.

And I know that places a tremendous amount of pressure.

But it gets you to show up in your best self.

A strong father knows that no man thrives alone.

This is not the time to lone wolf it.

So whether it's a coach,

Whether it's a men's group,

A brotherhood,

A trusted friend,

Build a system where someone else knows your commitments and these other men can call you forward when you are playing small.

If you don't hold yourself accountable,

And this includes creating a system,

A community that helps hold you accountable,

Life will do it for you.

And it will do it in ways that are often harsh.

So it's better to step into discipline willingly than to be forced into it through failure.

When you learn to father yourself,

Something powerful happens.

This is why I'm doing this work here today.

You become the father your children need,

And your children become the leaders the world needs.

Our kids watch us.

They absorb how we move throughout the world.

If we self-abandon,

They're going to learn to do the same.

If we lack discipline,

They're going to struggle with consistency.

And if we crumble under pressure,

They will see fear where they should see courage.

But if we show up daily,

Structured,

Steady,

Self-led,

And then get the help we need to help us do that as well,

They will feel that strength.

They will trust it.

And they will become it.

Because what we do not embody we cannot pass on.

As Warren Farrell once said,

What father cannot access in himself,

He cannot pass on to his children.

This is the work that we are being called to do.

This is your work.

This is my work.

And it's an honor to walk alongside you.