Vibrating Out The Blame Game!

What’s blame? It’s unprocessed emotions projected onto someone, by someone who doesn’t want to take responsibility/do the work. I always used to adjust myself to friends and family and partners who put their moods onto me and their work onto me (ie their half of the relationship) because I grew up with people who couldn’t or didn’t want to do the work, so if I didn’t? There was NO relationship. Here's how I healed that and how we can stay in a high vibration without getting pulled into theirs.

Transcript

Turn your power on with the Turn Yourself On podcast so you remember who you are.

I'm Marina Jay and I'm a number one best-selling author,

Psychic life coach and speaker who has helped thousands of people for over 24 years heal their life back to fabulous because you are fabulous.

Together we're going to talk shadow work,

Emotional and metaphysical healing and all things ascension.

You can reach me at marinaj.

Net for my coaching,

Courses and my number one best-selling book Turn Yourself On.

Are you ready to turn yourself on?

Let's begin.

Today we're talking the blame game.

It doesn't feel nice to be blamed for things and you may have had this a lot in your life and it would depend on who's been surrounding you in your life.

Whether you've been surrounded by people that are willing to self-reflect or whether you've been surrounded by people that prefer not to self-reflect.

They've put it on you.

That's what we're going to talk about today because really what is blame?

What is blame?

It's unprocessed emotions projected onto someone by someone who doesn't want to take responsibility,

Self-reflect or do the work.

If you're being blamed or you can feel that people are blaming you,

Can you very,

Very gently energetically just give it back?

That's their work.

That's their half to do if they're blaming you for how they feel because they have power over how they feel,

Not you.

You can't make them feel anything if they're an adult.

You can't make them feel anything.

That is entirely up to them.

How they take it is entirely up to them.

Nobody has power over them but them and somewhere along the line they're giving their power away saying,

You made me feel like this.

It's your fault.

I'm feeling like this.

Well,

Actually it's not.

This is about blame.

This is about projection.

Projection is where anybody says,

You're this,

But I'm not.

They might say,

You're wrong,

But I'm totally right.

They can't even imagine that they could be wrong.

They're just going,

You're wrong,

But I'm right.

They're projecting that part that actually they need to own and go,

Actually maybe I was wrong.

Can you withstand being projected upon?

Because it's a real skill.

It's a real important skill to be able to stay in neutrality no matter how they're acting towards you.

That's mastery,

Right?

This absolute mastery because if we're in reaction,

We've lowered our vibration.

So the ability is to be able to withstand the blame,

Withstand the projection.

Now little caveat,

I'm not talking about if you've done something that's hurt the other person.

Okay,

That's completely different.

If you've hurt the other person and they're hurt and they're upset,

Fair enough.

But maybe,

Just maybe what you've done is stood your ground,

Been completely yourself.

You are not carrying them anymore and they don't like it.

And they're blaming you for how they feel,

Which is really where they're at.

Because even if you had deliberately hurt them,

For example,

They're still in charge of how they feel because they're in charge of processing their stuff,

Right?

They're in charge of processing their feelings,

Their life.

That's nothing to do with you.

They still have to do that work whether you hurt them or not.

That's the difference between people that bounce back more quickly from setback than others where they're still in it 10 years on.

Because they haven't been able to process,

Right?

So know what is yours and know what is somebody else's.

So I always used to adjust myself to friends and family and partners who put their moods onto me and their work onto me,

Right?

Which is,

You know,

What I mean by that is their half of the relationship onto me.

Because when I grew up,

I grew up with people who are so beautiful,

But they didn't or couldn't do the work,

Right?

So if I didn't do their side,

If I didn't do the work for them,

Bring the light to a situation,

Be happy,

Feel their feelings for them,

Sit there and explain to them why what they did was not okay and have to really explain what good behavior is.

For example,

If I didn't do that,

There would be no relationship,

Right?

Because they didn't have that ability,

That capacity to do their half.

Now in everybody I've coached and I've coached thousands of people for a long time,

It's very rare to find parents of the people I coach who did genuinely do the work,

Right?

It just,

It's a generational thing.

Some of them did,

I mean,

It's a small percentage.

More of them took responsibility and would come and say,

I'm sorry,

Right?

Or would come and thank the person.

But there's a good chunk that just didn't and couldn't,

Right?

And that's emotional maturity.

And so a lot of our parents were financially mature,

Practically mature,

Right?

Maybe even spiritually mature,

They were meditating and all that stuff,

But emotionally hadn't been able to mature themselves.

And so they would put a lot of their stuff,

Their moods,

Their feelings onto us.

And they would say things to us like,

You did this,

You know,

And of course you go into,

I know some people have had where one parent will blame the child for the fact that the parents have divorced,

It's your fault,

Or it's your fault,

Your mother's not talking to me,

All that sort of stuff,

Right?

So many of us have grown up with this sort of immature emotional parenting,

And that's not to blame again,

Right?

Very important not to blame them,

Because that's the blame game,

We're not doing that.

But to take responsibility for processing how that felt for us,

So that we can move through to the other side.

Because when we hold somebody in blame,

We also hold ourselves in the past,

We hold ourselves in suspension saying,

I can't move forward because of what you did.

I refuse to move forward because of what you did,

You are pivotal to me moving forward.

I need you to do this.

I need you to do that.

Basically you can be happy now,

Even if they still need to apologize,

Even if they still need to make it right,

Even if we don't have to wait,

Because we're in charge of ourselves,

Right?

We can live an incredibly good life right now.

So if you have been used to adjusting yourself,

Right,

To people that have made you the reason that they're not happy,

Right,

Then you might find yourself over giving.

You might find yourself just naturally working harder to keep things together.

I knew that if I,

I knew that I had to take the blame for things that were not mine in order to maintain relationships.

I knew that.

I just,

I knew it right from a young age.

I just felt it really strongly.

So I would just kind of take the hit.

I would just sort of take the blame.

I would kind of process for people,

Transmute for people.

And a lot of the times I wasn't even aware I was doing it.

I was just naturally a transmitter.

I was always happy.

I would send lots of light out into the room I was in,

Right?

And then everybody would just lift up because I was naturally absorbing their moods and transmuting them in my body,

Right,

Like a little,

I don't know,

Transistor radio.

I don't know if that's the right word.

And I know a lot of you feel the same way.

I know a lot of you have done the same thing too,

Right?

What's interesting is that when we stop doing that,

When we decide not to do the work of the other half,

Which relationships maintain,

Which relationships continue?

Somewhere in me,

I knew that if I stopped doing that,

I would lose relationships.

I just knew it.

And what's really interesting is that quite a few of my core relationships,

Right,

From when I was young,

Zero to 20,

Have just gone,

Particularly in this last year,

Because I'm no longer taking the hit.

I'm no longer saying sorry when it's not my fault.

I'm no longer over explaining everything,

Having lots of healing conversations with these people,

Trying to teach them,

Trying to get them to see I'm no longer the sort of the negotiator.

Now I can just stand and be the one that was hurt and go,

Actually,

I'm hurt.

And you need to apologize.

And you may never,

That's cool.

But I'm not going to wait for that anyway,

Right?

Because I love myself too much.

I'm going to go and have a great life.

But what I'm no longer going to do is two jobs.

I'm not going to do the job of me and the job of negotiator in this relationship,

The job of maintaining this relationship.

I'm no longer the manager of this relationship.

And if that means that I lose a relationship,

Then so be it.

Because doing two jobs instead of one is exhausting.

I've done that for almost half a century,

Right?

I'm almost 50.

Well,

I'm 47,

But you know,

I'm almost 50.

I've done this for half a century.

I can't do it anymore.

Because if I carry on,

The people will love me,

But my kidney energy won't,

My kidneys won't,

I will start to get more and more tired.

And my body already contorted itself in order to support others at the expense of myself,

Right?

And that's my back I'm talking about.

I'm no longer going to do it for people that are not emotionally mature enough to say sorry,

To invest in my dreams and to say thank you.

I'm just not.

They had me for the last almost 50 years.

So you had me,

You had me doing it all.

I'm no longer sacrificing myself for the good of a relationship.

And I feel like that's what this year for a lot of us has been about,

Where we're no longer willing to support and unsupport ourselves.

So now I'm free to be with people who take care of their side of things,

So I don't have to,

Right?

They do say sorry instead of blaming me because they're seeing their side of things.

They're processing their own emotions,

Right?

And when I mean processing,

Processing is just very simply feeling how you feel,

Letting your feelings come out,

Looking at your part in it and taking responsibility by saying sorry,

Or by thanking or by whatever it is,

But taking the appropriate action.

And not putting it all on somebody else,

Unless you really know it's got nothing to do with you,

Right?

It's got nothing to do with you,

Then so be it.

But it's really understanding what's yours and what somebody else.

So many people can only feel how things affect them,

But can't feel how they affect other people.

For my whole life,

I can feel very clearly how I affect them and how they affect me.

So I've been able to see both sides and manage both sides.

And so now a lot of people are waking up to the fact that people like us,

You and me,

Who we're the lightworkers,

The starseeds,

We're not in their lives anymore.

We're not available anymore.

We're not managing these relationships anymore.

They're going to have to deal with it themselves.

And that's great,

Right,

Because this is us seeing the strength in them.

So this podcast is really about when you've been blamed,

When you've been blamed.

And I remember seeing an amazing energy worker a little while ago,

And I walked into her room and the first thing she said to me is,

How does it feel to be blamed?

How does it feel to be rejected?

How does it feel to be projected on?

And I'm like,

I don't know,

Am I?

I wasn't really aware of it because for me,

I hadn't even woken up to that yet,

Right?

At that point in my life,

I was so used to taking responsibility for how everybody felt and trying to fix it and make it feel better so I would feel better,

That it was just normal.

And she said to me,

That situation you're in with these people,

I want you out.

You are being projected on so much.

It's psychic attack.

And I was like,

Oh,

I should also really jealous of you.

Oh,

Are they?

So I was like,

Oh my God,

Okay,

Maybe this is really happening.

I had become so used to doing both sides,

I was no longer feeling how it felt to be,

It was just normalized to me.

And she said,

I want you out of there,

Marina,

I want you out.

And I'd never heard that from somebody before.

She's an amazing woman,

Amazing woman.

And what she allowed me to see was that these beautiful people had yet to waken up.

They were unable to see their own strength to pull themselves through and still reliant upon me to do it all for them.

And because I wasn't,

They were projecting a lot of their unhealed wounds onto me.

Completely unaware,

Right?

The people that do this are beautiful people.

They're just unaware,

But we don't have to keep taking the hit.

And I know when I'm being psychically attacked,

I actually know it because my head hurts.

I can feel it in a certain part of my head.

I know it.

I know someone's talking smack about me.

And it's usually by people that are not taking responsibility for themselves.

They'll see me as strong.

They'll see me as light.

They'll see me as powerful.

And they'll be like,

Oh,

She's fine.

She's got no problems.

She's fine.

What about me?

And I can feel it.

And of course,

Then I'll get an email or I'll get a text or I'll get an I know.

I go,

It's that person I know.

I know who it is.

I have my special spidey sense where I can feel it.

That's only come on board in the last few years,

Actually.

And I've tried to turn it down so I don't feel it strongly.

In the last little,

I'd say the last year or so,

I've definitely turned it down so I don't feel it as much because I don't really need to know.

If my boundaries are good enough,

I don't actually need to know where people are at because that's another energy leak that I don't need.

So I'm not responsible for their side of the relationship.

So the flip side is also true.

If anybody blames you,

Right?

So if anybody blames you and you stay neutral,

Awesome.

If people are blaming you and it trips you up and you start reacting,

You start feeling angry,

You feel the need to defend yourself,

You're feeling triggered,

You're going to start to get angry with them,

You're going to start to blame them,

Then that's your work.

That's your work.

So you're going to give their unprocessed feelings that they're unwilling to feel back to them to process because you're not to process,

Transmute,

Fix,

Or do the work for anyone anymore.

Right?

That's an old blueprint that died in 2012,

Right?

Because you're going to stop their own growth and ascension if you do.

And if you're blaming someone else for how you feel,

Then that's your work to do.

That's you reclaiming your power back.

That's you processing your feelings that you've been unwilling to feel and have put it on them and made it their fault and go,

Actually,

Nobody can make me feel anything.

Nobody at all.

If I think that,

I've just forgotten my power.

So if we're blaming anyone,

What part of that situation do we not want to take responsibility for?

Right?

And why are we giving our power away like this?

That's our work to do.

So I'm out and about in the street.

Some people are having a great time walking around.

Some people are not having a great time walking around,

Right?

And I feel just as happy when I go out as when I come back home.

I'm not making the outside world responsible for giving me my good mood.

I'm not making the shop responsible for giving me my good mood.

I'm not making anybody responsible for my high level or my low level of vibration.

That's all down to me.

We are each responsible for our own ascension in this life now.

And if we are blaming any situation or anything at all,

We become a victim.

And when we become a victim,

It's important to own victim,

Right?

So in some situations,

It's very,

Very important.

So for example,

Someone like me who never sees themselves as a victim,

And I know that some of you listening will really not like the word victim very much,

But if some of you have felt like it's hard for you to feel hurt by people because you immediately go into how to fix it or how to make it better,

And you haven't allowed yourself to really just feel,

Oh,

That hurt,

And that's not okay for me,

Then that's important for you to feel.

So for someone like me,

It's very important for me to be able to feel that.

And people often don't expect that of me that I can actually be hurt,

That I can actually have feelings,

That if you don't say thank you,

Or you don't say sorry,

Or you don't blame me,

Yeah,

It's gonna hurt.

It's gonna hurt,

And I'm allowed to have those feelings.

So the blame game is basically somebody putting their unprocessed emotions onto you.

Now they can't do that if you go,

Mm-mm,

That's your stuff.

And you have the power to do that anytime you want.

Like no,

No,

That's your stuff.

Same way as when you call a boundary,

If it seems to upset people and they don't like you or they feel rejected by you or whatever,

That's their stuff to deal with.

That's for them to deal with.

We're no longer responsible for other people.

We're no longer carrying other people.

So just put the burdens down.

And then this allows us to say,

Can I sit with you,

Can I be with you,

Even though you're blaming me or even though you're projecting onto me and not fix it?

Because what part of me is still trying to carry everything so I can fix how I feel?

Because I don't like how this feels.

Can I just be with your projections but not actually take them on?

So I'll give you an example of how that looks.

So I remember going to a friend's house of mine,

And I was chatting away,

And I'd actually stayed overnight.

And I think it was such a big laugh,

Such a big laugh.

And her son came in,

And teenagers,

They can bring out the worst in parents.

And my friend's husband then came in,

Oh my God,

And he was really grumpy with the son.

And the son was just quite antagonistic,

Classic teenagers,

Just the way of it.

And then both parents,

Including my girlfriend,

Just really irritated with him.

The old me would have,

After the teenager left the room,

The old me would have tried to help both parents,

Would have tried to,

Didn't like the feeling in the room,

Would have tried to deal with it.

And the projection was,

They were sort of like,

Marina,

You're fine,

Your daughter's easy,

And what do you know,

All this sort of stuff.

Even though I used to be a single mum.

They were sort of,

The inference was that I'm not going through what they're going through.

Now the old me would have tried to defend myself,

Would have tried to help them.

They kind of descended into this not good feeling,

Right?

Which I've been there,

We've all been there.

But the new me could just kind of withstand the projection.

These are light projections,

Right?

They're nothing major.

Could withstand the projection.

Didn't feel the need to fix anything at all.

I thought,

If you come and ask me for help,

No problem.

I'm happy to sit here and support you and hold that space for you.

And I'm not going to defend myself.

I don't mind what you think of me.

And that's another big one,

Right?

I don't mind what you think of me,

Right?

I was in an argument many moons ago,

And the person said to me,

What were they saying?

They were like,

You're this and you're that.

They were blaming me,

Right?

They were blaming me.

Okay,

I hadn't done those things,

But I also didn't feel the need to defend myself.

I don't need to expend my energy in that way.

And then in the same argument,

They were also telling me how much they loved me and how lovely I was and all of this.

It doesn't matter.

And I remember saying to them,

It doesn't matter what you think of me.

You can blame me.

You can love me.

You can blame me.

You can love me.

It's got nothing to do with me.

How you feel about me has got everything to do with you.

You're in charge of that.

I can't make you feel anything.

And I'm not going to be swayed by whether you love me or whether you're blaming me because your perception of me is not my perception of me,

Right?

My perception of me is God's perception of me,

Right?

Is the creator's perception of me.

I see myself through God's eyes and it's taken me a long time to get there.

Believe you me.

I used to always measure myself up against how people saw me.

Did I do good?

Oh,

I must be good.

Did I do bad?

Oh,

I must be bad.

I'm not doing that anymore to myself.

And because I've owned my shadows,

I've owned everything that you could possibly blame onto me and I've owned my light shadows,

Then what you say has no power over me anymore either.

I'm actually completely free.

I'm like Teflon actually.

Doesn't matter what you say or think,

Right?

I'm all of those things and I'm none of those things at the same time.

That's shadow work.

That's really,

We can't ascend without actually owning our shadows,

Right?

And it's what I've been doing with beautiful clients for the last,

I don't know,

16 years or so.

And it absolutely works.

We cannot ascend without making peace with our human selves.

So when somebody is blaming you for parts of your human self,

It doesn't stick anymore.

And I've been blamed a lot.

I've been blamed a lot.

And I hadn't really realised it until the last few years how much blame I had taken.

But when I realised my spine,

Instead of being straight,

Has gone this way,

Has gone that way with scoliosis,

And I've cleared and healed it.

And again,

I'm going to do a proper podcast on that because I know some of you will really be,

Well,

I think a lot of you will be able to really relate to it.

My body,

Obviously something big happened when I was a kid.

My body really responded.

My body was like,

Right,

I'll go this way,

Right,

I'll go that way.

In fact,

I'll go anyway,

But support myself.

Right?

So if you blame me,

I will become the blamed person.

If you're good to me,

I'll become that good person.

How you perceive me is going to shape,

I'm going to keep adjusting myself to you.

Right?

And now it's like having that strong sense of self that it truly,

Yeah,

I don't even have to think about it.

It doesn't matter.

And I remember somebody saying to me,

They went,

You just,

You're so happy.

You're so happy all the time.

And I said to them,

Don't take that to mean I'm flaky.

Don't take that to mean I don't care.

Always blaming me for being happy.

So we were in a particular situation and they called me up and they said they hadn't slept the night before.

I got some news,

Particular news,

And they called me up and they said,

I haven't slept last night.

And I was like,

Okay.

And they carried on talking and they blamed me for not being able to sleep.

The news was nothing to do with me,

Right?

It was coming from somebody else.

And I said,

Well,

That's on you if you can't sleep,

If you couldn't sleep,

That's got nothing to do with me.

And they said,

It's all right for you.

And they wrestled off some reasons why.

And I was like,

Actually,

Whilst you're living your life and doing what you're doing,

Right?

And watching the news at night,

I'm actually doing the work.

I'm processing my feelings so that I can stay this happy.

I'm not not doing it like you.

I'm actually doing it.

So you have no reference point for what it looks like to be happy and clear and neutral and at peace.

You think it's flaky,

But this is the end result of me taking responsibility for myself.

I'm just no longer taking responsibility for you too,

Which is why this relationship is breaking down.

So am I responsible for you not sleeping?

Are you kidding me?

No,

That's on you.

If I can't sleep,

Even if the person had been awful to me,

It's still on me.

It's still on me.

I still have the ability to clear and heal myself in order to sleep.

And so I drew the boundary.

I was very,

Very clear and the person didn't like it very much.

And I remember thinking,

That's okay.

That's okay.

I'm not going to help you through all of this and teach you.

I'm not this person anymore.

I'm not doing two jobs anymore in this relationship.

I love you and you can blame me all you like.

And I know they carried on blaming me after the call and they were probably annoyed and angry and couldn't figure out why.

I love them.

Cool.

But I can love you and have boundaries.

You may have no reference point for what loving you and having boundaries looks like.

You may think that I'm rejecting you.

Actually I'm not.

I'm doing what I could never do as a kid.

I'm doing what I could never do growing up,

Which was have boundaries.

And let's face it.

None of us could have boundaries as kids,

Right?

If I'd met this person as a kid,

Could I have had boundaries with them?

No,

Not in a million years.

I didn't know how to have boundaries,

But I'm having them now.

So the blame game just shows us how much that person is processing their feelings.

And some are going to be able to be more emotionally mature than others.

We can love them,

But we don't have to do it for them anymore,

Right?

Because we are going to be rising up.

There is so much beautiful energy that's coming in now and it's illuminating ourselves to ourselves with seeing.

And I wanted to talk about blame,

Particularly as we're coming up to the holidays.

It's a huge subject anyway within itself,

But particularly as we're coming up to the holidays where we might be seeing family,

We might be seeing old friends,

People that maybe we haven't seen in a while.

And some of these people we might not choose to be with,

Right?

Particularly if it's extended family,

Maybe you're joining other family this Christmas,

These holidays,

But it's important for you to only do your work and work on being able to withstand when other people are not doing their own work.

So you can stay in your sovereignty,

You can stay in your power and you can stay in your ultra beautiful vibration,

Right?

We can love them,

But we can also love ourselves.

And it is the greatest gift you can give yourself when you're around people that haven't really grown up yet.

And it's the greatest gift you can give them too.

Because what you're saying is,

You may not want to do the work right now,

But I'm willing to see the strength in you.

And I know that you will at some point,

Could be this life,

Could be another life,

Who knows,

But I'm not going to take this away from you.

I'm not going to take your growth away from you because I love you that much.

So thank you for listening.

I hope this supports you anywhere where you're still picking up the slack for people,

Doing for people,

Feeling like stuff's your fault.

And it may just be that it's insinuated.

That's okay.

Very gently,

No,

No,

That's yours.

Just give it back.

You can put your hands up and just energetically,

Like with your hands physically,

Push it back,

Energetically,

That's yours.

I love you,

But that's your stuff.

And if that means that there's a lid on the relationship,

Then that's the lid that you've put on the relationship,

But not me.

But I'm no longer going to be the one constantly taking the lid off,

Constantly trying.

I'm not doing that anymore.

Right?

And if that means that we have a different kind of relationship,

Well guess what?

It means I'm going to have a different kind of relationship with myself,

A much healthier one.

So just wrapping your arms around your body,

Giving yourself a beautiful hug and realising that you,

Just like them,

You are beautiful,

You are special,

You are important.

And the only work,

The only job that you have this life is you.

Your higher self only works for you.

She doesn't work for anybody else.

So your only job is to process you,

Just do you.

And let the chips fall where they may.

Lots of love to you.

Thank you for listening.

Bye.

Thank you for turning yourself on with me.

Please leave me a gorgeous review which helps me to serve you and come find me at marinaj.

Net for support and at marinaj coaching for Instagram,

Facebook and YouTube for glitter bombs of inspiration because you're not on your own and if you have you by your side,

You'll never be on your own again.

Give yourself a big hug,

Wrap your arms around yourself and thank yourself for all that you are as you give thanks for all that you are becoming.

Reviews

Marina, I’m so happy I found this! I‘ve listened to this track twice now as it resonated so much for me. I grew up in a dysfunctional family where blame, rejection and projection were common place and continues today and I’m in my 50s! Situations where emotions are heightened are particularly tough. I’ve carried the emotional load for siblings, my mother and some friends for most of my life. Taking on the role of an ‘approval seeking fixer’and rescuer. I‘ve been doing the work to recognise what’s mine and react less. I’ve not quite reached the point where I’m able to fully let go of relationships but I do accept they might continue differently. I’m grateful for support and talks like these. Thank you 🙏🥰

Wonderful and authentic!

Wow this was so educational, inspiring, and informative. You have shown me my next practice.
I am going to find you on google or you tube. I will listen again and again to this amazing podcast.

Fabulously beautiful 🌷🌷🌷

Thank you, that was very helpful.