Healing The Wounded Heart

This recording involves a Dharma talk made on an online day of meditation offered on Aug 3, 2024. Firstly, it clarifies what is meant by the heart and a wounded heart. Then it refers to both clinical practices for trauma and attachment disruptions as well as Buddhist meditation practices, in particular mettā which is also called loving-kindness or warm benevolence. The talk invites the listener to consider how warm benevolence paired with memories of painful past events can heal the wounded heart.

Transcript

So,

Welcome everyone to today's Dharma talk.

It is the 3rd of August,

2024.

And the title of today's talk is Healing the Wounded Heart.

And in this talk,

I'll,

When I make reference to the heart,

I'm not referring to that muscle in our chest that pumps blood around our body.

What I'm referring to is that emotional and spiritual heart,

Which feels like it is at the centre of our chest.

And this talk brings together a few talks I've given over the past few years.

And in it,

I'll refer both to clinical practice,

As well as Buddhist meditation practices.

In particular,

Metta,

Which is also called loving kindness.

It's also called warm benevolence or warm friendliness.

And it is one of the four Brahmaviharas.

Brahmaviharas translates as four divine abodes.

And these divine abodes are sublime,

They're divine,

They're godlike.

Sometimes these practices are also called the four immeasurables,

The sublime states,

As well as boundless states.

And I often call them the four heart qualities.

Not only are they meditation practices that we can abide in,

You know,

And both dualistic and boundless levels,

They are also awakened ways of relating to self and others.

And sometimes they're considered as the heart's release.

They're considered in this way,

Because they provide a taste of what it's like to relate as an enlightened being.

And they also provide a temporary taste of what it's like to have complete psychological freedom.

So these qualities are Metta,

Or benevolence,

Metta,

Or benevolence,

Which includes warm friendliness and universal goodwill.

Metta is a sense of gentleness and openness in our hearts.

It's tuning into happiness and well-being and the wish for that for oneself and others.

It's also tuning into the awesome and possibly beautiful aspects of life and aspiring that there may be happiness now and into the future for self or others.

Another abode is called compassion or Karuna in Pali,

Which is a human response to suffering,

An awakened human's response to suffering,

A compassionate response to suffering.

It is the sensitivity to suffering and I'm quoting His Holiness the Dalai Lama here,

The sensitivity to suffering and the commitment to alleviate it.

Sometimes people prefer to say wish to alleviate it than commitment,

But it's this sense of being sensitive to suffering and having the wish to change that suffering,

To alleviate it.

Appreciative joy is the next Brahmavihara or divine abode and it's also called Mudita in Pali and it is the joy of appreciation.

It's the joy of appreciation of successes and virtues and happiness of oneself and other.

Sometimes in Buddhist circles they talk about it as being empathetic joy or sympathetic joy in reference to another,

But when you think of how at higher levels there's no difference between the self and other,

There's no separation between self and other,

I like to consider Mudita just this appreciation of good qualities and successes regardless of whether they're in what we call this self or another self.

And the last Brahmavihara or divine abode is equanimity or Upekkha and this is being centered,

Stable,

Emotionally balanced or even-minded and unshaken in the midst of the natural highs and lows of life.

Equanimity also involves having a sense of impartiality regarding attraction or aversion to beings and treating all beings as equally worthy of kindness.

Other heart qualities which are variations of and or embedded in the four classic divine abodes are gratitude,

Which is heartfelt thankfulness for oneself,

Other or the universe and awe for the world.

I mean sometimes I consider this gratitude as closest to Mudita and almost somewhat the same.

Another practice that could be called,

It's not really called a heart quality,

But it's a practice that's related to the heart qualities,

Is forgiveness,

Which is letting go of the burden of hurt and giving up to a form of state,

Giving the hurt up to a form of state.

It's about letting the hurt that we're carrying around from how someone may have treated us,

Letting that go,

Releasing that,

Putting it back,

Forgiving,

Giving back to a form of state.

So though all the heart qualities are required in order to live a balanced and harmonious life,

In this talk I will highlight metta or warm benevolence,

Because I think that metta is the most common quality that we access in our day-to-day functioning as a human being with others and ourselves.

These heart qualities,

By the way,

Are considered as the most ideal ways humans can conduct themselves towards another.

In addition,

They are considered as immeasurable or boundless,

Not only because they're experienced as expansive and infinitely spacious,

They can also break down barriers between beings and thus they can be experienced as there being no separation between self and other,

The boundaries between me and you dissolve.

Sometimes people could call this a sense of non-duality.

They are called the heart qualities because we experience them energetically in this part of our body.

The heart chakra or the heart center,

As it's known in yogic traditions,

In eastern traditions and so on,

Is also acknowledged in neuroscience where it's considered that we have three brains,

The head,

The heart and the gut.

Each of these brains having motor neurons,

Sensory neurons,

Neurotransmitters and ganglia.

They each take in information and process it as well as store it for later access when it's needed.

Our heart brain or the heart is related to emotional processing,

Our connection with others and what is important for us.

As mentioned just a few moments ago,

It's also the place in our bodies where we experience compassion,

Warm benevolence,

Appreciative joy,

Equanimity as well as gratitude and other heartfelt qualities.

So coming back to the title of this talk,

What do I mean by a wounded heart and how can this heart be healed?

Sometimes the energy flow or functioning of the spiritual heart can become excess or deficient and unbalanced,

Twisted,

Distorted and close off and we suffer.

According to the four noble truths,

When there is a cause for suffering,

We suffer.

When there's no cause for suffering,

We discover or realize freedom from suffering.

The tasks or the challenges of the four noble truths are to understand suffering,

Release and let go of the causes,

Realize freedom and practice the path of freedom.

Sometimes this process has been symbolized as a beautiful lotus growing out of the mud at the bottom of a pond.

Hence the late venerable Thich Nhat Hanh once said,

No mud,

No lotus.

And so there's this formula for understanding freedom from suffering.

It's about learning to face up to our dukkha,

Which is the first truth,

Learning to face up to our suffering,

Understanding it and with our understanding we grow,

We see with our understanding as the first step,

We then release the problems,

Release the causes of suffering and we realize the fruit of that release,

Which is freedom from suffering.

This has been compared to a lotus opening above on the surface of the water,

But what it comes from is the suffering.

We need the mud at the bottom of the pond as compost for our liberation.

So the Buddhist formula for how dukkha arises and how it ceases is easy to understand when we can clearly see how we cause our own suffering by how we relate to experiences that come our way.

However,

When we see that much of our suffering may have arisen because of traumas or how we've been parented with neglect as a child or life circumstances or the treatment we have received from external sources,

Then this formula is a little bit harder to reconcile.

Professor Paul Gilbert,

The developer of Compassion-Focused Therapy,

Once said in regards to those who have experienced terrible experiences in life,

Our suffering is not our fault but it is our responsibility.

By the statement,

I think he means that we can't change the past but we can change the way we currently relate to the past.

In other words,

We can't go back and undo the traumas that have come our way but we can overcome the effect of them by processing them within our own hearts,

By working with them and letting them go,

Letting go,

Eventually letting go of the suffering that's causing that,

Letting go of the suffering that's there.

An example of suffering that's clearly not one's fault is that of attachment disturbances.

Now attachment disturbances arise because it's a basic attachment here.

I'm talking about attachment as a child like attachment to caregivers and so on.

It occurs because it seems that being loved is a basic human requirement for survival.

Moreover,

Being loved and being able to love seems to be an essential requirement for psychological resilience and the flourishing with health and well-being.

It is also,

In my view,

Essential for healing from a wounded heart.

Adults who did not experience adequate caring or did not develop a secure attachment when they were often young are very often handicapped psychologically in some ways,

Particularly in the development of secure relationships through their adult lives.

These clinical patterns are often called attachment disruptions or attachment disorders.

And there's something else that happens over and above attachment disorders.

Sometimes we witness or personally experience traumatic events such as violations of our safety and security or witnessing this in another.

And these events can seriously negatively affect our sense of belonging and connection,

Happiness and general well-being.

And we experience post-traumatic stress disorder or complex versions of this.

Experiences may not be as extreme as life-threatening,

Which is sometimes one of the criteria for defining post-traumatic stress disorder,

But hurt significantly nonetheless.

Experiences such as being rejected by friends and relatives,

Being judged,

Ostracized,

Insulted and even shamed by others can lead to a wounded heart.

This is a heart that feels disconnected,

Unsafe,

Unsupported,

Frightened,

Alone and scared.

Sometimes these experiences influence us to shut down and armor our hearts to protect us from pain.

And unfortunately,

Sometimes with some people,

Some beings,

This leads to being unable to see the suffering of others.

And it creates a separation between us and them,

Between me between me and that.

In my opinion,

I think senseless violence of war,

Where both sides are unwilling to see the common humanity in another,

And revert to violence and eradication of another in order to resolve a conflict,

Is an example of this.

In Buddhist psychology,

The meditation hindrance of ill will and hatred is often compared to having an affliction.

This could be considered as a wounded heart,

Because underneath the anger,

The rage and the hatred are often soft,

Unmet needs or unacknowledged psychological injuries that did not receive the care and attention that was needed at the time.

Unfortunately,

This type of wound can shut down the possibility to open our hearts with compassion for both self and other.

It often closes down our hearts.

And though the other hindrances are often described differently,

Such as sensual craving being like being in debt,

And sloth and torpor like being in prison,

And restlessness anxiety like being a slave,

And paralyzing doubt like being on a perilous journey in the desert without not certain where to go in terms of water and food and not sure about our direction,

And losing our possessions,

I would consider that these patterns of mind also are a form of injury,

Disorder,

Or a twisting of the heart mind.

I noticed that in Buddhist psychology,

There's a term called kilesa.

Kilesa means,

It's often translated as defilement,

In the sense that it's defiling the clarity and the purity of one's mind.

But it's also literally translated as a mental twisting,

Like a twisting or a mental distortions.

So I would say that what happens with kilesa,

Kilesa are behind our suffering.

That's what causes us suffering.

Twisted,

Distorted perceptions,

Twisted,

Distorted patterns of mind,

Twisted,

Distorted hearts are considered as a cause of suffering.

And so I would consider these other hindrances as also a form of suffering,

A form of understanding and thinking about what a wounded heart is like.

So how do we heal from these injuries,

Wounds,

Distortions,

And taints on the heart mind?

My immediate answer is the cultivation of insight supported by serenity,

And in particular,

The four heart qualities.

And these approaches are also reflected in clinical practices.

For example,

There are clinical approaches for treating attachment disturbances,

Like Brown and Elliant have written a very big book,

And I've been to a couple of workshops,

I've been to a workshop on this,

But there's a manual for treatment of attachment disturbances in adults.

So this particular,

Their particular approach has three therapeutic principles,

Or they call them three therapeutic pillars.

The first one is ideal parent-figure protocol.

The second one is fostering a range of metacognitive skills.

And three,

The third one is fostering collaborative non-verbal and verbal behaviors.

So in terms of metacognitive skills,

In terms of metacognitive skills,

I would say that's similar to mindfulness,

Getting a perspective on our internal and external experiences,

Being able to step back and see things as they are.

In terms of fostering collaborative non-verbal and verbal behaviors,

I would say that's related to fostering interpersonal skills,

Relationship skills,

Being able to get along with oneself and others.

So today,

I'd like to focus on that first component,

Ideal parent-figure protocol.

And in summary,

IPF,

As it's called,

Invites the individual to go back with their imagination to their early years and imagine that they were playing.

Then,

While they're playing,

They become aware of an ideal parent-figure being present and attending to them in a way that they feel is just as they need.

Now,

The ideal parent-figure need not be their real parent,

Could be an imaginary figure,

Could even be oneself.

When I did this exercise in a training on this,

All I could think about is myself going back to parent myself.

But I went back as an adult,

As a mature adult,

Working with my myself as a child in various ways,

And at various ages actually.

So this IPF relates to going back and relating to imagining you're playing as a child or imagining you're doing what you're doing as an adolescent,

Whatever the age.

And then what happens is that you have the experience of being loved.

You tune into that experience of being loved by this ideal parent-figure.

And in many ways,

And in my understanding,

One begins to have the felt sense of being loved and cared for,

Or the experience of benevolence,

Or metta.

Repeated over time,

This experience makes up for what was lacking in one's childhood.

And with the other therapeutic components,

The ones I mentioned earlier,

The relationship or the attachment disruption begins to get healed,

Begins to be transformed.

So in my view,

And this,

The developers of this protocol were actually Buddhists anyway,

They come from the background of Buddhist meditation,

And it's so very similar to metta practices.

So it's,

And as I said,

When I did this in practice runs,

I was directing it to myself.

And it was wonderful to feel the loving kindness from my adult self into my younger self.

And I'll talk to you a little bit about an experience I had a couple of years ago in relationship to this particular exercise towards the end of the talk.

So though many of us may not be diagnosed with an attachment disruption,

It is quite common that we have all had events,

Even traumas in our lives,

That have led to much dukkha,

That have negatively affected our relationships to self and other,

And become a barrier to experience the peace and security of awakening.

We have all have mud,

We have all have,

We all have mud that can be transformed to lotuses.

So as well as approaches such as IPF work,

Clinical psychologists like myself usually have theories and a range of tools to work with traumas,

Not specifically traumas from coming from childhood or throughout developmental phases,

But traumas in general.

Now this work does not involve us forgetting the events or traumas,

But it involves us taking the suffering out of these memories,

Taking the suffering out of these events.

One theory that I feel can be used with a number of additional approaches and protocols is called memory reconsolidation theory.

So without going into great detail,

I could talk about this for a long time,

But without going into great detail and with the hope that I do not oversimplify this theory,

It involves a few factors.

And this is kind of talking about trauma work here.

Firstly,

This type of processing of past events needs to occur when we feel we are socially and emotionally supported and we have access to emotional resources,

Such as skills of self-soothing to calm ourselves down.

And also we feel the support of others.

We can feel the support of,

Say,

A partner or friends or a therapist,

For example,

Before we start venturing into this approach.

We also need to feel at least 70 to 80 percent confident that we can cope with the intense affect,

In other words,

The intense emotions that may be elicited in this process.

In addition,

The event needs to be over and we are in a safe environment.

It's no use doing,

It's no use being at home,

You know,

It's no use being in a violent circumstance and going to the therapist and doing these processes,

Then going back to the violent circumstances.

One has to be completely safe and the situation has to be over.

Then what needs to happen is the emotional components of the past events,

Their past event,

Needs to be activated or come up or at least come up into the space of one's consciousness in some way or other.

At least there needs to be a reminder of the event somewhere in our awareness.

Then there needs to be a pairing of a juxtaposed perspective to the event.

In other words,

At the same time of having a connection with the negative aspect of the event,

A different non-traumatic perspective is paired with it.

In truth,

The non-traumatic perspective is actually more aligned with the reality of the event as it is in current circumstances.

Such a perspective could include,

For example,

Perceptions and feelings or other that it is now in the past or I'm safe now or it's over or that was when I was a young child.

Now I'm a grown adult or I'm lovable and loved.

Another factor that is needed is that the procedure needs to be repeated.

It needs to happen over and over again so that this perspective gets ingrained.

So this is a kind of a basics of memory reconsolidation theory.

But basically with memory reconsolidation theory,

It's about when we have an experience,

It gets consolidated into our mind or brain or whatever you want to call it in the various parts of our brain as a memory.

If it's a trauma,

It's often consolidated in a distorted way.

It will often be kind of like the timestamp of the memory might be distorted.

So when we remember it,

It's like that experience is happening now.

The other thing that happens is that often traumatic memories get installed or consolidated in a way where they're kind of depixelated.

If you're thinking about memories,

Say,

Stored in the hippocampus as an example,

Hippocampus is the place where in our brain where memories are stored in the whole of our brain,

But the hippocampus is kind of responsible for storing the facts of events.

When we're having a trauma,

Because the hippocampus is surrounded by neurotransmitters that are,

Sorry,

Neurotransmitter receptors that are sensitive to cortisol,

It tends to impact on how those memories are consolidated and they're distorted.

It's like taking a photograph.

In the old days,

We used to take photographs and used to be a timestamp on the photograph,

The electronic photograph.

It's like the timestamp gets distorted.

It feels like it's happening now all the time.

The other thing that gets distorted is the accuracy about the event.

It's like we mix up other things,

Other things get generalized,

And it's like the picture,

If you're comparing it to a pixelated photo,

It's like it's depixelated.

It's pixelated.

It's not densely pixelated.

So what happens with this is that with memory consolidation is we're in a safe spot.

We feel capable.

We feel coping.

Then the memory will be elucidated.

The emotional component of the memory comes up into psychic space,

And then more correct information gets fed into that memory so that it kind of adjusts around,

And then there's a period of time where it can be reconsolidated back into our system,

And it's reconsolidated in a realistic way,

Such as we're no longer that age,

We're safe now,

Or it's in the past,

And it is in the past.

It's not happening now.

So this transforms our experience of suffering with this.

It transforms it.

So often with trauma processing procedures,

The negative event is activated strongly first,

And there is some mindful,

Compassionate time spent with it.

This is in order to facilitate processing,

Desensitizing,

Deconditioning before there is a pairing.

However,

There are protocols that switch that around.

The HEAL protocol developed by Rick Hansen as an example is kind of switches it around in so far as what we do here is we develop the juxtaposed position perspective first and make it really strong,

And then we link that with a traumatic memory if we need to.

So the HEAL processes,

Many of you probably heard me talk about HEAL.

HEAL refers to having a wholesome experience,

Having a good experience,

Enriching it,

Absorbing into it,

And then linking it.

So what this means is that we can,

If we can bring up a memory or a state of mind that is wholesome and helpful,

Such as metta,

And we develop it strong enough,

We enrich it by thinking about things that remind us of metta.

We kindle it with memories of people we feel good about,

Or even awakening the feeling of warm benevolence towards ourselves,

And we nourish it and we enrich it.

Then once it's enriched,

We absorb into it.

In other words,

We kind of marinate in this state of mind,

We marinate in this quality of warm benevolence,

And we feel it.

It's like it comes into our pores and goes throughout our whole body,

Just like we do with serenity meditation practices.

And metta is a serenity meditation practice.

And then we can sort of leave it like that,

But the L component of it refers to pairing it then.

Like you may have a memory somewhere that has been quite distressing,

Something that's opposite to the experience of metta.

A time when you felt unloved,

Rejected,

Alienated,

Cut off,

Disconnected,

Or whatever.

And what we do with the HEAL protocol is that we then,

Once the wholesome quality is cultivated strongly,

We pair it,

We link it with this memory of something else,

With the negative experience.

But it must be paired when the wholesome quality,

Or the good quality,

Or the HEAL,

The H E A component of it,

Of this experience is strong.

And so what happens is there's a linking and the wholesome experience of metta just completely dissolves the negative way.

So it gets transformed in that way.

Coming back to,

If you think about it with memory consolidation theory again,

It's just one way we can do this.

So in my view,

The H E A of HEAL,

That means having a wholesome experience or positive experience,

Finding it somewhere in your psyche or memory or something,

And then the enriching,

Like the kindling of it,

The strengthening of it,

Then the absorption in it relates strongly to the serenity aspect of meditation.

With serenity,

If you can remember,

There's an emphasis on absorption and concentration.

So,

You know,

Traditionally,

Serenity and insight are connected.

Serenity provides this,

Serenity is usually based on concentration and it provides the clarity of mind to see clearly into experiences.

And when we see clearly into experience,

We develop insight.

And they work together actually,

But,

You know,

The traditional way of meditating is often serenity first and then insight.

And insight refers to seeing things as they actually are.

So you think about this experience,

Like you're having a negative experience,

You've had a negative experience in the past,

Where you've been carrying around the burden of disconnection and shame or whatever it is.

I mean,

It's horrible.

And then you find a way of rousing some beautiful connection that's opposite to that.

So,

Something about serenity is that what we attend to becomes our reality.

This is in line with what William James,

A famous humanist,

Forefather of psychology,

He said,

He's got a number of wonderful quotes.

One is that,

One is like this,

For the moment,

What we attend to is reality.

And taking this a bit further,

If we focus on worry and rumination without mindfulness,

We kind of get caught up in some particular issue,

It'll take us away and it becomes our reality.

If,

However,

We don't feed into this type of pattern with our attention,

These patterns fade away.

They don't occur,

They get denourished.

And this is in line with the neuroscience saying,

Use it or lose it.

And those neurons that fire together,

Wire together.

In other words,

If you don't feed into,

If you don't use a neural pathway,

If you don't feed into a neural pathway,

It fades away.

It starts to stop.

And,

But if you'd feed into a particular neural pathway,

Like a neural pathway that represents all benevolence,

Compassion,

Appreciative joy and equanimity,

Then that strengthens that neural pathway.

So,

This is,

This operates by,

The HEAL works in this way.

So the HEA is an example of serenity meditation.

And then with HEAL,

The juxtaposed perspective,

Which aligns with the reality of things,

Gets fed into and paired up with the traumatic memory or the difficult memory.

And what happens is that we see the reality of the situation and it transforms our perspective on that memory and that experience.

So,

I see HEAL as a protocol that reflects a combination of serenity,

As a heart quality and insight.

And the insight arises when supported by the clarity and kindness of a heart quality,

We are able to see clearly the reality of the situation and this is healing.

So,

With meditation,

We can become sensitive to the experiences of benevolence,

Compassion,

Appreciative joy and peace in order for them to grow.

And we grow them by enriching them.

Some ways we can enrich them is by being mindfully aware of them when they arise.

And when they arise,

And we can be on the lookout for them,

Like my dog just came to the door and was wagging his tail.

I didn't let him in because I'm in the middle of a talk.

So,

But,

You know,

Whenever I see my little dog when he's smiling at me,

Waving,

Wagging his tail,

His whole body wags.

Actually,

It just goes,

This whole body gets into this beautiful greeting of me.

It's so wonderful.

When I see moments like that,

I attend to how that feels.

I attend to what's happening in me.

And I'm having,

I'm usually having a feeling of warm benevolence.

So,

Ways we can enrich this experience is by being on the lookout of these types of positive and wholesome experiences in daily life.

Then being attentive to them,

Aware of them,

Mindful of them.

And then being curious about them,

Being able to recollect them.

And then at another time,

We can bring them up and we can absorb into them.

Like when we're in meditation practice,

We can use,

Say,

Often use my dog as a kindler for my experience of benevolence.

Other times I use my grandchildren.

Other times I use my partner.

Sometimes I use my clients because I have a,

I have a warm feeling towards all these beings.

What I can do is I can bring them to mind.

My heart gets filled with loving kindness.

I can let go of the,

The object that kindled my experience.

I can let go of the thought about these beings,

But then just focus on the experience in my heart and it become absorbed in her.

So,

Any experiences,

Experiences of feeling cared about and caring for another and one or all the five,

Four or a bunch of birds.

In this way,

Suffering,

The suffering of depressive,

Anxious,

Unwholesome and distorted parts of ourselves is slowly and gradually replaced with the wholesome.

And the wounded heart is healed.

What we can do is we can build up a reservoir of positive experiences.

And we can consciously pair it with the negative,

If we want.

And that's what happens with HEAL.

So,

If you're going to a therapist and he's,

He or she or they are using a HEAL approach with you,

That's what they might do.

However,

It can also,

You can also allow it just to happen organically,

So that the positive just heals the negative by the negative becoming irrelevant.

In other words,

You don't have to,

You can just get very skilled at being sensitive to the positive,

To the wholesome,

To the wonderful and including metta and the four,

The other heart qualities.

And just become,

Let that become the inclination of your mind,

So that you become absorbed in that.

Then just live your life.

And what might happen is that the experiences or the memories that would have triggered negative responses from the past begin to become completely irrelevant.

They might rise up,

But just kind of fade away.

There's no reaction.

They lose their impact.

There's a lovely,

There's a sutta,

I can't remember the name of it,

But it talks about a salt,

A spoonful of salt in a glass of water.

And it's not in relationship to this in particular,

But it's in relation to something else,

But it's apt for this comparison.

So in this sutta,

There's a comparison of putting a spoonful of salt,

Like big tablespoons full of salt,

In a glass of water.

And if you think about drinking that water,

It's undrinkable because it's just too salty.

If however,

You put that same tablespoon of salt into a pristine,

Beautiful,

Clear,

Potable,

I think potable means drinkable,

Lake,

Mountain lake,

It's irrelevant.

And this is what we're talking about when we're talking about healing the wounded heart.

We make the wholesome and the beautiful and the sublime qualities so strong that when the negatives arise,

They just burst away.

And I mentioned earlier that I talk about a personal experience.

I had an example of this when I was about seven or eight years old.

And some of you may have heard this story.

When I was about seven or eight years old,

I'd come home from school and I threw my school bag on the kitchen table.

And then I just went and watched TV,

Which a lot of seven or eight-year-olds do.

They used to do that in my day,

And that was back in the 60s,

A long time ago.

Not long after that,

It was black and white TV then,

By the way.

Not long after that,

My mother came home from a very stressful day at work and seeing my bag on the kitchen table,

Became very angry and began yelling at me.

She said,

How many times do I have to tell you?

When you come home,

You put your bag away.

And,

You know,

Of course the TV went off and I went to my room.

And it seemed to trigger what in those days was called a nervous breakdown.

And she ended up kind of on the floor weeping and then in bed crying and so on.

And having retreated to my bedroom that I shared with my older brother,

I just sat there really miserable.

And through my young confusion and misperceptions,

I thought that her breakdown was all my fault.

And I had a feeling of responsibility.

And what's interesting is that I kept that feeling of responsibility for another suffering for a long time.

I think,

You know,

I probably still have remnants of it now.

And also I kept a strong fear of expressed anger.

I'd always feel very uncomfortable when someone's expressing anger.

And so this hadn't thought about it for a long time,

But about five decades later,

As an adult,

I was on a retreat and a series of circumstances arose where I was perceiving anger directed towards me.

It wasn't genuine anger.

Perhaps it was just my perception.

And then I was just meditating.

And I remember this event come up.

And it was like I was back in my seven-year-old's body and my immature mind.

And I was feeling the shame and guilt and terrible,

Terrible blame for all this stuff.

It was this same horribleness and heaviness of shame and hurt in my heart.

And then,

As if from above,

I became aware of my adult,

Compassionate and benevolent nervous self.

And it's if,

And the words from above,

Which was me above,

Coming down,

Almost giving myself a hug.

It's not your fault.

You're only a child.

You're okay.

And that feeling came into my being.

And it was very,

Very soothing.

It was so,

So wonderful.

It felt like someone was covering my back and hugging me.

And I was,

In fact,

Giving myself a hug.

And at the time,

It felt as if I was falling backwards.

Remember those trust exercises that we used to do in the 70s for those who were alive then?

I think you'll probably still do them in the 80s and the 90s.

I'm not sure.

But a trust exercise,

One of the trust exercises I used to participate in group processes,

Is like falling back and trusting that people will catch you.

So there's a group of people around you and you fall back and they catch you and they hold you and they lift you and they rock you and they smile at you.

And it's really lovely.

So at this time,

I felt as if I was falling backwards,

As if in a trust exercise.

And I was falling into my an all-encompassing love that was there as the adult self,

Catching me and covering my back.

And this was profoundly healing.

And I think,

I think my capacity to slip into the self-therapist mode was based on years of practicing metta and compassion,

Where they're,

They are a natural go-to rather than fueling negative and unrealistic patterns of self-identification with self-blame and shame whenever I have unpleasant feelings arise.

So I think that's,

I hope I've conveyed a little bit about the title of this talk,

Healing the Wounded Heart.

We all have wounded hearts and we all have the capacity to heal from these hearts,

These wounds.

We all have the capacity of healing from the twisted mind.

I wish and hope that we can all heal our hearts.

I think that this healing the wounded heart will lead to peace and peace and happiness for many beings,

For all beings.

So thank you for attention and may you all abide in the four high qualities and wound and heal whatever wounds of the heart there may be.

Thank you.

So let's now have a few moments silence in contemplation.