Tips For A Successful Love Partnership

In this episode, Dr. Gina shares her best tips in choosing a mate for a lasting relationship. How understanding our attachment styles, love languages, and values are some of the key ingredients to lasting love.

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Transcript

Welcome to Living Simply,

A guide to mindful living and mindful parenting with your host,

Dr.

Gina.

Hey everybody,

Welcome back to Living Simply with Dr.

Gina.

Dr.

Gina,

How are you today?

I'm good,

Ben.

How are you?

I'm wonderful,

Thanks.

And once again,

We have Crystal Tubbs.

Crystal,

What's shaking?

Sorry,

I just did this to Ben and it totally threw him off.

I'm doing good,

Nothing's shaking too hard around here.

Awesome.

All right,

So Dr.

Gina,

Today we are talking about the values and,

Not the values of,

Values and picking a mate.

Why is it so important?

So let's talk about it.

Values and picking a mate,

What are we going to be talking about today?

So I thought we'd talk about it because it's an important thing to consider if you want a long-term relationship and increase the odds that it'll succeed and reduce needless conflict and power struggles.

So that's what motivated me picking that topic this week.

Okay.

Power struggles and relationships,

That never happens.

Yeah,

No.

It's going to happen,

So you want to make sure you're having the struggles with the right person.

Absolutely.

And I am the perfect co-host to have had on this episode.

That's a lie,

But I'm going to fake my way through it.

So,

I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.

So what's the first thing that you should do when you're looking for a mate or what's the first thing to consider if you have decided that you want a long-term relationship to increase the odds of success or reduce needless conflict or whatever?

So,

I always tell people when I work with women,

I work more with women than men,

But it applies to guys as well,

Is a bit like another episode we spoke about parenting is,

It's really good to get clear on what kind of partner you want to have before you start dating so that you know what you're getting into.

Because when you fall in love,

You cannot think clearly.

All the logic goes out the window and you can't make decisions when you're in that state.

So if you know ahead of time what you want,

How you want to feel in a relationship,

So it goes beyond tall,

Dark and handsome,

Makes this much money.

You want to really,

Really connect with how you want to feel in a relationship so that when it does happen,

Those feelings when they pop up will seem familiar.

So,

Those things will guide your values and what you want in a mate.

So,

Say you kind of have your values in mind and you start dating and things kind of get physical really quickly,

Do you think that can hinder kind of your judgment as well?

Yeah,

I think so.

If the sex is really bad,

No.

I think when if there's a really strong connection.

Sorry,

Ben was just hitting his head over and over on the mic.

Go ahead,

Gina.

So,

If the experience is really good,

It actually can blind our judgment a bit like when someone's drunk because those happy hormones pop in,

Oxytocin,

The love hormone.

And suddenly,

Those little red flags,

We tend to ignore them because the sex was so good,

The kisses were so nice and,

Oh,

But he's so this,

He's so that or she's so this and that and getting physical too early can blind our judgment.

So,

It's worth waiting a little bit because the person's true colors will come out pretty quickly and then you'll be happy you didn't go too far and it's easier to press delete on someone that you haven't had sex with or even very physical,

Doesn't have to be intercourse.

It's easier to get rid of them because you're not attached than if you've already been physical and I think it's actually harder for women than for men.

Men have easier time to delete women even if they had sex with them.

So,

I find that rule applies especially to women,

But it could apply to men as well.

Is that kind of because of the emotional attachment from being physical with somebody else?

Yeah,

I think so too.

I find,

Again,

I don't want to stereotype because there are women just like men who are emotionally detached and have one night stands.

So,

Everything being equal,

When you're physical with someone,

You're being vulnerable so you're more likely to be attached to them.

So,

Then it's harder to put an end to the relationship and think clearly about what you just got into.

Doesn't mean you have to wait three years,

But doesn't mean you need to get physical on the first date like you can.

Doesn't mean you have the wrong guy or wrong girl.

It could be the perfect fit,

But if in your history you tend to pick the wrong match,

Then you should know it's a red flag that maybe you should wait a little bit before you get physical.

You said something,

I'm going to go back a little bit because now I have two questions for you,

But we'll go back.

You said waiting to get physical in the relationship gives you an opportunity for them to show you who they really are.

I know that can be kind of deceiving sometimes if people are trying to manipulate,

Like I'm not saying all relationships are like that,

But when they show you,

Well he doesn't really,

I'm using he because I'm talking about myself,

He doesn't take into consideration my feelings or the things that I want to do.

Those are things that you need to pay attention to early on.

Yeah,

Exactly.

So if you're not physical and you have all these hormones going on,

And if you're present obviously,

So you're literally not fantasizing,

So when you pay attention to the person in front of you,

You notice how they behave,

But you especially notice how you feel with that person.

I always say trust your gut.

If you get a funny feeling in your tummy that's not butterflies,

Something happens,

So pay attention and notice the cues because these will be important signals that maybe you need to watch for those red flags and give the relationship a bit of time before you commit to it and make yourself vulnerable and get physical.

So when you're talking about red flags,

And I mean everybody sets their own values for what they're looking for in a partner,

And how important is it to be clear with yourself beforehand on like what things you're looking for,

What things are acceptable,

What's a deal breaker?

Yeah,

So again,

So you can think clearly.

It's important to have deal breakers because they set you straight on who you're going to date,

Who you're not going to date.

Let me give you an example.

I'd love one.

Yeah,

So I used to be with a wonderful man,

But he was a smoker.

And I'm not.

I've never smoked.

I probably never will.

And before I met him,

I didn't want to be with a smoker.

But I broke that my own rule because he was so amazing.

And he was nice and we ended up living together.

But our life revolved around the smoking and I don't know where you guys live,

But where we live,

You can't smoke anywhere.

You can't smoke in bars and restaurants.

You can't smoke anywhere.

So you're in the middle of a nice dinner.

Sorry,

Got to go out for a smoke.

Everything revolved around smoking.

So it breaks the mood.

The money it costs,

The lifestyle around smoking,

The values around smoking.

So we didn't break up because of the smoking.

But the smoking really bothered me.

So to me now,

I reiterate,

It's a clear deal breaker.

So if someone wants to introduce me to someone,

And so I have several deal breakers,

But let's just use this one.

And they have everything I want in a person or it looks like,

Right?

Because you never know.

But they're a smoker.

I won't even go on a date.

Because what if he is amazing,

Right?

I'll break my own rule and then I'll regret it.

Two years,

Three years down the line.

So deal breakers are important.

What are you willing to accept?

And what are you willing to compromise on?

What are deal breakers?

Example,

Verbal and physical abuse.

I don't care if you only do it once.

That's it.

You're done.

Right?

There's no,

I'll give you a second chance,

A third chance.

If you did this once,

You're going to probably do it again.

It speaks of your character.

Right?

So it's really important to get clear on the life you want to live,

The behaviors you stand by,

What you want your partner to be like,

And trust that that person does exist.

People are so scared that they won't find that person.

But that we're 8 billion people,

I think,

On this planet.

There's no way.

There's more than one person that's right for us.

So we might as well get clear and meet the right person as opposed to compromising ourselves and our values because we're scared of being alone.

That kind of leads me into another question because I know when I was younger,

I absolutely did this.

You enter into a relationship and you think that you can change them.

I mean,

How do we kind of navigate that area?

Because it's all over media,

It's taught in pop culture that you meet the guy or the girl and they just have this one flaw.

If you can just change them,

It'll all be fine.

Which is a fairy tale.

Yeah,

And I say give it up.

First,

The person has got to want to change.

And two,

If you have that agenda,

The other person doesn't know.

So if you have the agenda of wanting them to change,

You need to tell them up front,

Right?

Not example marry them and go,

Oh,

I'll do my little manipulations and they'll change.

I'll do this.

They'll want to do this for me.

So if you want the person to change,

I'll always say be up front about it so that they can be up front with you and tell you if they want to change that or not.

But I always tell people,

You know,

Look at the person you have now and are you in love with this person?

Not with their potential,

Who they could be,

Because all the couples I see that are on the verge of divorce or are miserable.

When the person was on the list,

They compromised their rules and values and many of them were hoping they would change and looked at their potential versus what was in front of them.

So I'm like,

Yeah,

What if they don't want to invest in their own potential?

They'll never get to that part.

So I say,

Watch who's there in front of you now and decide from what's actually here in the present moment as opposed to what potentially could be there in the future because we never know.

Let's talk about love at first sight.

Is it real?

Do you believe in love at first sight?

And I promise this isn't just a cheesy question.

I know that you're gonna go some more deeper with it.

It's also kind of a cheesy question.

Hey,

How dare you,

Crystal?

Deal breaker.

You're no longer a co-host.

So falling in love instantly,

Is it a thing that actually happens or is it a red flag for something else?

Listen,

I'm not black or white thinking,

So I'll never say never.

I assume it's possible.

It's very Justin Bieber of you.

Really?

Fellow Canadian.

Okay.

I don't know why.

It's a song?

From like 12 years ago.

Well done,

Ben.

Well done.

Maybe I'm too old.

Thank you very much.

Yeah,

So I don't want to say never or never say never because I'm sure people have emailed me.

I met my mate.

So do we call it love?

I think you can be infatuated with someone sexually attracted.

There'd be a deep connection.

I do think that's possible.

I think if two people are healthy,

Have healthy attachments,

I think so.

Securely attached.

It is possible because they don't dive into things blindly.

But I think for many,

It could be a red flag.

Often when we have this huge electricity with someone,

It's because it awakens our initial attachments.

So if it's not secure,

It's just because it's comfortable.

It's what we know.

So we want to pay attention to that.

So I know it's not a clear yes or no answer.

And yeah,

That's the best I can give you.

You know what the problem is?

When you look at someone through rose colored glasses,

All the red flags just look like flags.

That's a quote.

That's a quote from BoJack Horseman.

I did not think of that myself.

I'm sorry.

I love it though.

I mean,

It's true.

You mentioned a little bit about knowing your attachments.

Can you go into,

Or your attachment style,

Can you go a little bit into them?

Yeah,

So what I mentioned in the previous episode,

So we can have a secure attachment,

Insecure avoidant,

Insecure anxious.

So supposedly half the population has a secure attachment,

Which would be the healthiest attachment.

They're able to love someone unconditionally without manipulating them.

They'll stick around even when you screw up.

They'll catch you when you fall.

The worst combination can be insecure avoidant with an insecure anxious attachment.

The avoidant never allows him or herself to get truly vulnerable and open up to the other person.

So they always keep some distance.

The most dangerous person does the avoidant and the anxious is always fearing abandonment.

So they're more clingy.

So you could see how that could be a match made in heaven,

But at the same time,

A match made in hell.

Because the more the anxious wants the avoidant,

The more the avoidant will push away.

Ideally,

If you're not secure,

You want to search for a partner who is securely attached and they can create a secure bond with you and teach you how to become securely attached to them.

The other combination is a lot more work and won't always last and could be very problematic.

So like with anything,

If you can develop a bit of self-awareness,

There's so many books out there and podcasts on attachments and discovering your attachment style.

So if you're self-aware and you know your attachment style,

You'll know how to interact with others,

Not take everything personally.

And when they trigger you,

You'll know it's you.

It's your attachment style.

It's about you.

It's not about them.

So the more you can have self-awareness about you,

The better you can be invested in a relationship and know where your stuff ends,

Where theirs begin and work on your own stuff basically and not projected on your partner.

So it's good to know that.

What if both partners are the same?

Like what if both partners are insecure avoidant,

For example?

I would guess if they're both insecure avoidant that they never got to that point in the first place.

No,

But they'd be fine with each other because they both need a bit of distance so they would get it.

Right.

Ideally.

Ideally.

Or they think that the other person's gonna leave so they never talk to the other person to begin with.

Yeah,

So there's So in that case,

It's not an issue.

There's,

You know,

There's whole podcast shows,

You know,

Like Mine is Living Simply,

That their only topic is attachment.

So by all means,

I work with attachment,

But I'm not a specialist that I would do 20 episodes on it,

But I know that our attachment figures does impact how we interact with the world,

Not just with partners,

With our bosses,

With our kids,

With everyone.

Our attachment impacts us greatly.

So if we can be self aware and work on it,

Because if half the world is not securely attached,

Even if you're securely attached,

You're going to be faced with people who have issues.

So you want to understand it better.

I'm kind of curious how this plays into codependent behavior because I can imagine if you had the avoidant attachment and then the anxiety attachment,

Like there's a lot of push and pull,

You know,

Going on with that.

Yeah,

You might see a lot of codependent behavior on the part of the anxious one.

But also,

I've noticed a lot of people have codependent behavior,

So they don't need to come from an addictions background or abuse.

It's just a parenting thing where there was a bit of lack of validation and us being blamed for how people feel.

So trying to change how we behave.

So we think we're going to control how people respond to us.

So,

Yeah,

We need to also be aware if we have codependent tendencies,

Because ideally you want to work and move from codependent to interdependent,

Which is a healthier way to bond with a partner than codependency.

That makes sense.

I mean,

Obviously this is the understatement of the year.

How does communication play into all of this?

I mean,

That's like the one thing that people know makes or breaks a relationship is communication,

Or I hope that they do.

For God's sake,

I hope that they do.

So can you tell us a little bit about what healthy communication looks like in a relationship?

Yes.

So like you said,

What I notice what breaks up marriages is communication,

Money issues,

Parenting,

Discrepancies.

Communication is key everywhere in all areas of our life.

So it's extremely important to communicate with your partner.

So communicate your needs.

Part of communication is to learn your love language.

So how you want to be loved,

How you like to show love.

You mutually need to communicate that to each other so you can build a healthy bond and respond to each other's needs.

So your love language is how you express love for others.

Both.

How you like to be shown love and how you.

.

.

Usually,

Often what people do is they show love in a way they like to.

So if you're a person who really likes to receive gifts as a sign of love,

You might be a gift giver.

But if your partner doesn't really care for gifts and their love language is more words of appreciation,

You need to adapt and show your love with words as opposed to gifts because then you'll think,

Oh,

He or she doesn't appreciate my gifts.

I went out of my way.

I spend all this money when they don't connect with that form of language.

So that too,

Just like your attachment style,

I think is important to learn what is your love language.

And there's a whole book written on that and a website with quizzes.

So if you know yourself,

You can communicate your needs better.

And if you communicate well,

You're more open to hearing out your partner's needs as well.

So in every area,

Right?

How you want to deal with money,

How you want to deal with parenting.

How you want to spend your holidays.

Communication is key in every domain of our lives.

What about setting and communicating boundaries so that boundaries don't turn into deal breakers?

Yeah,

Boundaries are important.

Again,

It's universal everywhere.

So we need to teach people how we want to be treated and boundaries need to be communicated early and often.

So even when you're dating the honeymoon phase,

Often people are scared to put boundaries because they're scared that it'll turn the person off or they won't want to stay with them.

But you need to do it because then if you put boundaries later on,

The person thinks you changed.

And then they get confused,

Right?

So if you're codependent,

Your boundaries are pretty wobbly.

So you need to know when to say yes,

When to say no.

If you're a people pleaser,

At some point you'll resent the people for asking you stuff.

But it's your responsibility to say no when you mean no and say yes when you mean yes.

So boundaries are very important whether in a couple,

Whether it's intimacy,

So in their sex life,

What they're okay with,

What they're not okay with.

Boundaries about money,

Boundaries how they want to be treated.

Yeah,

I think boundaries are very important.

You know,

I think it's kind of funny that this episode reminds me of our last episode on parenting specifically.

Yes.

Because it doesn't seem like there's like a whole lot of difference because really,

At least this kind of last section we were talking about,

It sounds like consistency and being consistent is really key and communication and boundaries and standing up for your values and what you believe in.

Yeah,

Totally.

It's an extension,

Parenting is an extension of that basically.

I'm learning so much today Gina.

Yeah,

I am too.

You ready to get married and have kids now?

Finally.

I think the opposite.

I think I'm ready to not do anything for like another 15 years.

So,

You know,

Let's sort of end with the values conversation that seems to be the sort of the end point of most of these episodes because everything comes back to,

You know,

Setting your values as a person,

Setting your values as a family,

And in this case setting your values as a couple.

So,

You know,

Talk us through that process,

What that looks like.

Yeah,

So,

And I'm talking here about long-term relationships,

Right?

Oh,

So not like two or three dates.

Yeah,

You'll- Shot of one night stands.

Well,

Obviously you'll have boundaries and you'll have values around your one night stands.

Example,

You want to have protected sex so you don't get sick,

But the domains I'm going to mention are many of them might not apply if it's for one night stands.

So,

I'll give you 14 domains I think are important to work on if you,

Especially if you want to get married with the person because these will be areas of conflict if you don't get clear on them.

But also knowing that your values will be flexible.

So,

Your values might be prioritized differently depending on the stage of life you're in,

Right?

So,

Whether you have kids yet,

Whether you're an empty nester,

Whether you're in your 20s,

50s,

60s,

So values will fluctuate on priorities and how you define them.

But,

So if we're thinking long-term,

The big domains we look at is family,

So how much are you involved with your extended family,

You know,

The in-laws,

Your values around parenting,

Your values on the couple itself.

So,

How do you want to live as a couple,

Your sex life,

Your affection,

Your living arrangements,

Chores,

Etc.

Social,

So you know you can have an introvert marry an extrovert,

How are you involved in your social life,

Recreation and fun,

Health and wellness,

Spirituality or religion,

The environment.

Aesthetics,

So aesthetics referring to art,

Culture,

Music.

Finances,

Education and training,

So including self-improvement.

Work,

So you know if you marry a lawyer who's working 80 hours a week,

It comes with a certain lifestyle,

Right?

Community life,

So are you one to volunteer and be involved a lot in politics or in community programs.

And finally your mindset,

So you know pessimistic,

Optimistic,

Growth mindset,

Limiting beliefs.

So these I find are important areas to take into account when you're going to be in a long-term relationship.

Because in the short term opposites might attract,

But in the long term not always durable.

I mean that makes sense,

I had a friend for a long time who her only concern was that her future husband whoever he was could kind of provide a good life for her and whatever you know however many children she ended up having.

And she's like I don't even need to have the same interests,

We don't need to do the same things as like so you're just like living together if you get married.

A business.

Yeah it sounded more like a business arrangement than anything else,

But you know she has grown up and changed her views and her values as well.

I mean that was you know 10 or 15 years ago.

Yeah,

Yeah.

I have a friend who had an ex-girlfriend who thought like that and they are no longer together,

But she did eventually find that.

So I hope she's happy with that,

But that was definitely her goal for that and you know she's been working out for her so I hope she's doing well.

But that was the goal for that.

So parting the shots on this,

Anything any other questions Crystal or Gina anything else you want to cover?

I'm done.

I do not have a bonus question this time.

Okay.

And I you know learned a lot about myself in this episode and if anybody needs me I'll be over here in the fetal position in the corner.

And are you going to share your account?

We said before we started this that instead of the like web addresses and no instead of the like you can find us at.

This is where you can find me.

Yeah that I was going to share a Tinder account which is not true and wouldn't do anybody any good anyway unless you live in like a 20 mile radius.

You can find on match.

Com and Tinder and.

Yeah there you go.

I need to get all of those accounts first for that to happen.

But yeah let's do moments of gratitude.

Crystal why don't you go first?

Yeah so a couple weeks ago,

Well I mean this happened in January,

I had the opportunity to go out and help my aunt in California who had shoulder surgery.

And while I was there I got to spend a lot of time with her and my cousin and we went to the beach and the zoo and all kinds of stuff.

And I'm just really grateful that I had that opportunity to spend some time and get to know my family a little better.

Yeah that's awesome.

That's really nice.

Colorado and California are on my list.

I mean I like both the states.

You let me know when you're coming to Colorado though and we'll.

For sure skiing.

We'll go ski.

I've never been skiing but I can try.

Oh yeah.

I am grateful for.

So it was a hard first six weeks of the year.

Both parents had health scares and obviously I'm very grateful for both of them being okay now and both on the road to back to living healthy lives.

But both of them had very different difficult health scares that were super super frightening.

And it would be easy to just say you know I'm grateful for that and move on but I'm really grateful on a selfish level I guess to or a self care level to be back in the in the mode of taking care of myself again.

And you know cooking for myself and not driving between hospitals and going back to the gym and stuff.

So and I feel awesome this week so that's what I'm really grateful for right now.

That's great.

Yeah.

I'm glad they're okay now.

Me too.

I mean they have a long way to go.

It was scary.

But they're yeah but they're doing a lot better.

Thank you.

So my deep and wonderful precious gratitude this week.

I love it.

Is very very superficial and I'll own it and it was fun.

So my car was in the body shop.

It's a nine year old Hyundai and they lent me a brand new Mercedes.

And it was supposed to take just a day to fix my car.

And Beatrice and I didn't know we were going to get a Mercedes.

There was a beat up Mazda outside and we thought he's like okay let me let's go around the car and I'll show you how it drives.

And I'm like listen I drive a standard I know how to drive.

And he walks next to the Mercedes with all its electronic stuff and like oh okay I get it.

And he's like your car should be ready tomorrow.

And in my head I thought you can keep it for a month if you want.

And they ended up keeping my car for 10 days and when I brought the car back today he was like I'm so sorry it took 10 days.

And he took his hand so I could give him the car keys and I just took him back like no I'm not giving them back to you.

And he had a funny face I'm like I'm just kidding here's your car back.

So it was fun to drive a Mercedes for a week.

That's my gratitude for free.

I love it.

I have to ask because I also drive a standard when you first drove the Mercedes did you slam on the brakes thinking it was the clutch?

Yeah and the brakes are really good on that Mercedes so they break pretty hard.

First of all I don't understand how both of you drive or why both of you drive a standard in 2020.

In the snow.

Okay and second of all I think that I wish that you had used this gratitude on the last episode because I made a joke about the Hyundai and the Mercedes and then there was no context and I threw the whole episode off.

But also I would like to say Gina and I hope that this is a good omen for you.

Last February my car was in the shop for 10 days and I had a crappy Ford Focus.

I had such a crappy car and they gave me a 2019 Sonata to drive last year and in February and I was like yes this is amazing.

I love this car.

I want this car.

This is great.

It was the same feeling that you did obviously it wasn't a Mercedes.

But I was like this is my goal.

I want this car and then but like there was no way that I could afford it.

May in May I got that car.

Wow.

Instead because I needed to trade it in and I found a way to get it.

So hopefully this is a sign that by the end of this year that by the end of this year you're going to be driving that Mercedes.

Oh nice.

Yeah.

That'd be cool.

It would be cool.

Yeah.

Yeah for sure.

All right.

So Crystal where can people find you?

You can find me at CrystalTubs.

Com and that is Crystal the K and I just recently started my own podcast the More Than Mimsie Podcast if you want to take a listen.

Awesome.

And for me if you guys want to if you're if you're interested in having your own podcast or whatever you know then especially if you're listening to the Sun Insight Timer and you yourself do do something like this or you want help getting your meditations out or stuff like that's literally how I met both of these two wonderful women.

So you can check us out D'AngelosAndBarber.

Com.

There's a link in the description.

Gina what obviously people can find you and you have so many different things to offer.

People can work with you and everything.

What would you like to point people towards today?

Dr.

Gina dot C.

Simple.

Simple.

Easy.

Living simply.

Awesome.

So thank you very much guys.

I hope you have a great rest of your week.

You too.

Thank you.

Bye.

Bye Crystal.

Bye.

More information or to book an appointment with Dr.

Gina go to Dr.

Mandragrano dot com or click the link in the description of this episode.

Reviews

Wow, so much excellent advice, thank you!! 🙏🏻😊

Really useful information, thanks everyone for your insights. Love and blessings 💙 x