The Truth Will Set You Free

Not being truthful with ourselves significantly impacts our choices, decisions, & health. Not being truthful with others prevents them from seeing the real you & gets in the way of healthy relationships & honest communication. We fear the consequences of telling the truth, we feel shame, we experience cognitive dissonance, or we simply desperately want our reality to fit our fantasy. We explore why people lie & how facing the truth is the first step to healing.

Transcript

Welcome to Living Simply,

A guide to mindful living and mindful parenting with your host,

Dr.

Gina.

Hello,

Everybody,

And welcome back to Living Simply with Dr.

Gina Madrig-Rano.

My name is Ben Barber.

Dr.

Gina,

How are you today?

I've been pretty good.

How about you?

I have also been pretty good.

I wouldn't say more than pretty good,

But pretty good is fine.

Awesome.

Yeah.

So,

What are we talking about today?

So,

Today I thought we would talk about truth and how truth is at the base of freedom and healing.

I love it.

I love it.

Truth is at the base of freedom and healing.

Yeah.

Okay.

What do I mean?

Yeah,

That's obviously the first question.

So,

As you know,

In my practice,

I'm faced with clients either they're lying to the people around them or they're lying to themselves.

So I know lying is a big word.

It's a bit harsh,

But basically that's what it ends up being.

Our brain makes up these reasons why we do what we do,

Why we say what we say.

To the extreme,

I've even seen people say,

Well,

These are white lies and that's how they justify it.

But in the end,

They're lies which stand in the way of healthy relationships with people and from a healthy relationship with ourselves because what if we start with us first?

If we lie to ourselves,

We end up making choices based on a lie.

So I like to use extremes.

Let's say in a relationship you're really not happy,

But you keep making excuses for it.

You're basically miserable.

In the long term,

That has an impact on your mental and physical health.

So people burn out,

People become depressed,

They're in a marriage or relationship that doesn't fulfill them,

Or they have friendships that are toxic.

So instead of facing the truth is this relationship does not serve me anymore.

It's not in line with my values.

To the extreme,

It doesn't honor me.

It's abusive.

Well,

If we face that truth,

It forces us to make a choice and then it forces us to change and change is not always comfortable.

Not at all.

Yeah.

So often at the bottom of a lie,

Even you sit in little kids,

Is fear.

We fear the impact of seeing the truth.

So I see it a lot with couples.

So let's say I see the individual and it's pretty clear to me they're unhappy and they keep making excuses.

And really when we get to the bottom of it,

They're like,

Yeah,

But if I leave,

I won't have the same level of comfort financially.

What's going to happen to the kids?

So all the burden and stress that comes with separating is scary.

So then instead of going there,

It's okay,

I'll convince myself this is good,

This is okay and I'll stick with it because of fear.

So same with kids.

Did you eat all the cookies in the cookie jar?

No,

I didn't.

And they're full of chocolate chips on their face.

Well,

Why do they lie?

Not because they're evil.

Because they're scared of the consequence of telling the truth.

So that's the basis of why truth is so important.

Because it sets us free,

We can start moving and working on the self-betrayal that comes with lying to ourselves.

But also we betray others when we lie.

So if we stay in a relationship and we don't love our partner anymore,

Well,

We're cheating them from the truth and they're allowed to know we're not into them anymore.

So at least we have a chance to either work it out or they at least have a choice to know what to do with that information.

That's why I say truth literally sets you free.

It sets you free and it sets the other person free.

One of my favorite songs or at least one of my favorite lines in the song ever is by the Abett Brothers.

The line is,

Tell the truth to yourself and the rest will fall in place.

And I,

Like,

You know,

You talked about it and I just think that it's so insanely true,

Right?

Like if we're,

True,

If we don't tell the truth to ourselves,

Then we're starting from a place where we can't trust our own thoughts.

And I think that that's incredibly dangerous.

And it's something that,

You know,

You think about and you're like,

Well,

Of course I tell the truth to myself.

Do you though?

Do you really?

Do you?

Do you really?

You know,

Sometimes we just,

We want things to be true.

And then we try so hard for things to be,

For the things that we want to be true.

We try to make them true instead of just taking the moment and being actually self-reflective,

You know?

Yeah.

And what you're saying is basically we're trying to make reality fit our fantasy,

Right?

So if your fantasy is,

You know,

2.

3 kids,

The house,

The white picket fence,

Two cars,

And you're miserable and you're realizing that's not what I want.

That's not what brings meaning to my life.

And then instead of facing that and reflecting on it,

Like you say,

That's scary.

So right away you move from,

You look at your neighbors,

Your friends,

You're like,

Well,

I should be happy.

This is what everybody wants.

And there the lie begins.

Who cares if everyone looks at you and like envy you and think you've got the perfect life.

If you're not happy,

You need to reflect on why you're not happy,

Content,

Or why your life has no meaning.

And the other part too,

If you can be truthful,

Brutally honest with yourself,

Then you can do it with other people.

You know,

The same way if you don't love yourself,

You don't really know how to really love someone else unconditionally.

So it always starts with you.

You know,

The overused metaphor of the oxygen mask is so true.

It always starts with you.

Clean up your own home before you try fixing everyone else around you.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

I think,

You know,

It's overused because it's true,

Right?

Like you can't,

If you're not coming from that place,

Then it's really hard to do that.

How do you see it in therapy and when you're talking with clients,

Right?

Like do,

Because I imagine like it's supposed to be a safe place,

But you end up sometimes trying to perform for your therapist or your psychologist or your coach.

You know,

Like you don't want to disappoint them.

So then you get in the habit of trying to lie to them.

Like we try to lie to our doctors.

We try to lie to our,

You know what I mean?

Like it's almost as if like the closest,

Sometimes I think that like strangers,

Strangers,

Strangers,

When you develop,

Like I've had this situation where when I've developed a relationship with a therapist or something,

Then I will like,

I will not want to disappoint them.

So I will be less likely to tell them the full truth of something rather than like a stranger in a,

I don't know,

It's very weird,

But how do you see that with your,

In your work?

Well,

It's very common and it's not strange because the great thing about the therapeutic relationship,

It's also a mirror of what happens in real life.

So clients,

If they start lying to you,

It's not with the purpose of being a pathological liar.

It's they don't want to disappoint.

Some might lie out of shame and so they,

They're worried what you're going to think about them.

And it's the same thing in the outside world with friends.

You know,

People wear a mask,

How they appear at work,

How they appear with their friends.

They don't show their dark,

Dark side,

Their,

Their shadow.

And why?

Because there's shame,

Embarrassment,

Fear,

Basically of being rejected,

Of being judged.

And that's a normal fear.

It's not rare.

It's not weird.

It's not dysfunctional.

Fear is necessary.

It's what kept us from disintegrating as a species.

Fear has kept us alive.

So it's up to the thinking brain,

Right?

The smarter part of us to tame that fear,

Put it in context and break through that fear as opposed to hoping you won't be scared.

And when I say it extends outside the therapeutic relationship,

You see it a lot in codependent behavior,

People pleasing behavior,

Right?

You say yes when really you mean no.

And then when you're home,

You're resentful.

You resent the person,

Right?

For not reading your mind.

How dare they ask you for this?

And really it's your responsibility,

For example,

To set limits and boundaries.

And then basically you're lying to them.

So let's say you're like,

Oh yeah,

I'll organize a shower for you.

My pleasure.

But in the back,

You're like,

How dare they ask me for this?

Unbelievable.

I'm busy enough.

Right.

Well,

You just lied to them because they think you're super happy about it.

They don't know you don't have time or you don't want to do it.

So then the other person lives with that lie about you and then you resent them for not guessing that you lied.

And in the end,

It's when you look at codependent behavior,

Passive behavior,

People pleasing is a lack of taking responsibility for your own life.

You're responsible for setting boundaries.

People outside of you are not responsible for guessing your boundaries,

Setting them for you,

Mind reading.

So it forces you that,

You know,

You might upset someone.

You might be rejected to an extreme if they're not a real friend.

But you need to be responsible for your own life.

And part of that is being truthful to yourself and to others.

I love it.

Very nice.

Yeah.

There's so much.

And it's really hard to be to have that personal responsibility when you're not telling yourself the truth.

Right?

Like,

It's almost impossible to hold yourself accountable when you're not taking stock of the things that you need to.

You know,

You're not taking account of things.

How can you hold yourself accountable if you're not?

You know what I mean?

Or if you work at a sandwich store and you're just guesstimating how many bags of lettuce you have and how many things of cheese and whatever.

You wouldn't do that,

Right?

Because then when it comes time to make sandwiches next month,

You're not going to have the things that you need or you're going to be paying way more money and whatever.

And it's like,

Well,

I assumed that we had about 17 bags of lettuce.

It's like,

What are you talking about?

You assumed that you had 17 bags of lettuce.

We would never do that in other areas,

Right?

In our jobs and whatever.

Or maybe we would.

But we would never do that.

But we do it to ourselves all the time.

All the time.

We do not take actual accurate account of our feelings,

Of our thoughts,

Of our truths.

And then we operate from an assumption as if we had taken an active account when we're not.

It's impossible to hold ourselves accountable.

Yeah,

Totally.

You see it all the time when people try to create new habits.

So for example,

You decide because of your internal truth that I need to work out more,

Right?

The doctor said,

I don't care what you do.

You need to start walking for all the obvious reason.

It doesn't matter if it's yoga,

Lifting weights,

Walking.

So like,

Okay,

I'm going to start moving every day.

And then you set that intention,

But you don't put into place all the steps so you'll follow through with it.

So next day you're like,

Okay,

I'm going to work out.

You make up excuses.

You don't do it.

So you don't follow through.

So you keep betraying yourself.

You keep betraying yourself over and over again.

So if you don't take responsibility and go,

I'm just making up excuses here.

Right?

And I really mean if they're excuses,

If you haven't slept all night,

Obviously that's a good excuse.

You have no energy to work out,

But let's assume everything's good.

That's a reason.

It's not even an excuse.

It's a reason.

Exactly.

But most of us,

Whether it's for eating bad food for us,

Exercising,

You name it.

Yep.

Watching TV all day,

Being up all night on your phone,

Any bad behavior,

Addiction,

Our brain tends to make up excuses to justify the behavior.

So you need to be able to be truthful enough and go,

I'm BSing myself right now.

And because then that hurts.

It's painful to go,

Who am I fooling?

But pain is what makes us change.

If we're too comfortable,

Why would we change?

Why would we be motivated to do better?

We're not.

Even being truthful with someone else.

Yes,

You might cause pain.

It might trigger pain,

Disappointment,

But it's that pain in the other and in yourself that will force movements,

That will force a decision,

Right?

Whether it's changing jobs,

Whether it's changing positions in your job,

Whether it's your relationship needs to change because there are bad habits that have been accumulating.

If the other person really loves you,

If the job really values you,

The threat of losing you is painful.

And that's what's going to move them to take action.

So yes,

The truth can be painful,

But through pain we can grow and do better and change our lives for the better.

And over time,

We even see,

Like I've read several books that show that people who keep betraying themselves,

Always thinking of other people.

So it doesn't have to be bad people actually,

It could be amazingly kind people,

But always put themselves last,

Last,

Last.

Over the long term,

They get sicker.

Yeah,

They get physically ill.

And then what happens?

Their bodies force them to stop and they're forced to face reality because they had the nudges but they didn't pay attention and now they're forced to pay attention.

And oh,

Another one at the basis of truth is trust.

If you're fake with someone,

And again,

It's a harsh word because people will go,

I'm not fake.

I'm like,

Well,

It is fake if you don't tell the truth.

If your friends always think you love going to this restaurant,

Doing these activities,

You're lying to them.

Then when you tell them the truth,

They might not trust you anymore.

Then you have to rebuild that trust.

So the other important thing is trust,

With truth there comes trust.

And if you can have that as a basic rule,

I know with my dad,

I don't know why it was so ingrained to say the truth that I would be truthful to a fault.

Like almost scared,

What if they catch me lying?

And sometimes some lies are good to protect yourself from predators or abusive people.

And I see that often in my practice too when I'm like,

Well,

Withholding information to protect yourself,

That's not lying.

And again,

The extreme example is,

And I use that with women,

I say if you're about to be raped,

It's okay to lie and say you have AIDS to scare the crap out of the guy.

It's okay.

It's okay if there's a break and enter,

Say,

Is there anyone else in the house?

And you hid your family in the attic.

It's okay to lie and say,

No,

I'm the only one here.

But outside from these extreme examples,

Truth is super important.

And I wonder if that's why every night I would ask my dad to read Pinocchio because what happens to him,

His nose keeps growing.

So I'm wondering if that's where it got started to be ingrained in me.

That truth is so important and it can get you in trouble.

I warn people when I work with them,

If you want,

I'll be kind and gentle,

But I'm going to be honest.

If you want me to sugarcoat things for you,

I won't.

So you'll either love me for being brutally honest or you'll hate me for it.

But if I'm honest with you,

It's so you can grow.

And you can be truthful without being abusive,

Mean and cruel.

But some people think being truthful is not nice.

And that's a trap.

Do you have any final words of advice on truth before we say goodbye for the week?

That's about it.

Always remember when you're about to say yes,

When you're about to do something,

Take a little moment to ask yourself,

Especially if it doesn't feel like a hell yes,

Ask yourself,

Am I being truthful either to myself or the other person?

I love it.

Thank you,

Dr.

Gina.

If you would like more information on Dr.

Gina on this,

If you'd like to talk to her about it further,

Any of those things,

Please don't hesitate to reach out wherever you're listening or watching this.

And all of the links will be in the description for how to contact her.

Dr.

Gina,

It's always a pleasure.

Thank you so much.

And I can't wait to do this again next time.

Same here.

See you next time.

For more information or to book an appointment with Dr.

Gina,

Please visit our website.

Dr.

Gina,

Go to drmandragrano.

Com or click the link in the description of this episode.