Our Basic Need For Connection

In this episode, Dr. Gina discusses how connection is a primal need that we have. We build healthy connections through acceptance, appreciation, attention/acknowledgment, affection, allowing, and attunement. We will see how these 6As as the foundation of healthy couples, and positive attachment between parent and child. We discuss what is at the source of social disconnect.

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Transcript

Welcome to Living Simply,

A guide to mindful living and mindful parenting with your host,

Dr.

Gina.

Hey everybody,

Welcome back to Living Simply with Dr.

Gina.

Dr.

Gina,

Welcome to the show.

Thank you,

Ben.

And I'm excited today,

We're talking about the importance of connection,

The power of connection.

Explain a little bit about why it's so important.

So basically we're human beings,

We're a social species.

Whether we're introverts,

Extroverts,

Combination of both,

We're not meant to be isolated.

So it doesn't mean we have to be needy and with people all the time,

But research shows that people who aren't connected with other people do better in life mentally.

Mentally and physically.

So I thought we should talk about connection today because also the holidays are showing up.

Absolutely.

So you have sort of six A's.

The six A's to the need to connection,

For connection.

Can you walk us through,

Maybe start us with why you think the six A's are a simple way to break things down into this complicated subject.

So I didn't invent this.

There's a meditation teacher I like to listen to and his name is David Gee.

And he talks about the four A's.

So there was the four A's and I added two more based on other readings,

Stuff I read from Buddhism,

Psychology,

And I just extended it a little bit.

I like it.

If you want,

I'll name all of them and then we can go one by one.

I would love that.

Please name them all.

Okay.

So we all need attention and acknowledgement,

Acceptance,

Appreciation,

Attunement,

Allowing,

And affection.

I like it.

Which are all great components of how we connect with people.

So let's start with attention.

That was the first one you mentioned.

I think that a lot of people think of attention as a bad thing.

Well,

Needing attention,

The need for attention is a bad thing.

Sorry.

Not attention in general.

So when I speak of attention,

In my notes I wrote slash acknowledgement.

We all need this sense of being acknowledged when we're with people.

It also applies with us as adults with little,

Our kids,

Basically,

To promote secure attachments.

So eye contact is very important.

If someone's talking to you and your face is in your newspaper or in your phone,

Well,

There's a disconnect there.

So eye contact is important.

We got two ears,

One mouth.

So listening when someone's talking,

Not planning what we're going to say,

Or the next step of the conversation.

It's really empathic listening and being fully present.

Paying attention to the other person's body language,

Nonverbal language,

Because if we pay attention and we acknowledge the other,

It will impact the interaction,

The communication.

If someone's,

Let's say I'm talking to you and you're constantly checking your watch,

I might think,

Well,

Maybe I'm talking too much.

Maybe he has an appointment.

So if I'm acknowledging you and paying attention,

I'll pause and I'll go,

Ben,

I noticed you're checking your watch.

Am I holding you back?

Do you have somewhere to go?

So paying attention to someone allows us to adjust constantly when we're communicating and interacting with them.

And it will increase the odds of being attuned to the other person's needs and wants,

Which we'll talk about later.

Ironically,

I do unfortunately check things a lot during the show because I have to make sure that we're hitting things in a timely manner because the show is only so long.

So I apologize for that.

Oh,

I didn't even notice.

I'm so caught up in what I'm saying.

I just use that as an example because many people aren't even self-aware of their own.

So if you think outside of work,

Like our context is a bit like work,

But social interactions,

People are on their phones.

I actually think I'm way better at social interaction than,

You know,

Like I feel bad sometimes being the producer of the show on a show like this because sometimes I'm not,

Like I'm listening to you because I,

But I am,

There's definitely times when,

You know,

I'm looking at our show notes and going,

Okay,

I got to find the transition to this or,

You know,

It's 10 minutes in and we're not halfway,

You know,

We're not even close to halfway through or,

You know,

Maybe we're running out of the rope or,

You know,

Time to switch to the moment of gratitude or something.

So it's,

Or levels,

You know,

Checking levels and stuff like that.

So attention,

Attention because I have to divert my attention sometimes during podcast recording,

It makes me feel bad about doing it.

And because of that,

I think in real life,

When there's not a microphone in my face,

I think I'm more attentive.

But here,

Here it goes,

It goes both ways because let's say you're doing a podcast show,

The person you're interviewing know you have a dual role,

Right?

You're interviewing,

But you're also producing.

So it comes back to the four agreements where the people on the other side,

So me and whoever else you're interviewing,

We also have to pay attention to you and know and knowledge that you also have a job to do.

So we need to not take personally that your attention has to be divided because you're just doing your job.

So then that will help you not feel guilty about it.

So attention is a two way street.

Yes.

Why do we put a negative connotation on attention?

You know,

Like kids,

For example,

Or,

Oh,

You know,

She just she's acting out because she wants attention.

And a lot of times when when that is brought up around me,

I'm like,

And give it to them.

Exactly.

So if,

If,

Because the little kids are not skilled yet at expressing it or even knowing it,

We are creatures,

Social creatures,

We need that attention and children even more because they're not independent.

So that's why we have to be careful if we only pay attention to them in a negative way,

Like scolding them,

Getting angry at them,

They're learning.

The only way I get attention is if I misbehave.

So we want to transform negative attention seeking into positive attention.

So it's our job to go,

Okay,

This kid needs connection needs attention.

Let's when they're doing bad things.

Let's ignore it and pay more attention to the positive.

So it outweighs outweighs the negative.

You know,

I think I'm pretty good at that with the four year old,

But you just,

You just helped me a lot with dealing with my mother,

Which is nice.

Yeah,

Works with everybody,

Right?

Yeah,

She,

Yeah,

She,

She tends to seek attention in the negative way.

But I'm not giving it to her on lessons and the,

You know,

So that,

Yeah,

Definitely.

Yeah,

That's why some kids and adults only get attention when they're sick.

Right.

So they can make themselves sick,

Little kids,

Grownups,

Doesn't matter the age,

Because that's the way they get attention when they're hurt when they're crying,

But not the other time.

So that's another form of negative attention.

Yeah.

Second A,

Acceptance.

Acceptance.

So acceptance boils down to unconditional love.

So it's a lot easier to love our kids unconditionally than grownups.

But basically is accepting people for who they are.

We,

Our job is not to change people,

But to see them for who they are.

And if we're not willing to accept them,

We'll change friends.

So when,

When we accept people,

Whether it's a partner,

A friend,

A child,

It reduces our suffering,

Our struggling,

It improves problem solving,

Because when we talk about the concept of acceptance in general,

Where we're,

We're dealing with reality instead of dealing with fiction and our wish of how this person should be,

Or in the dating world,

You might see women or guys date for a person's potential.

And we're like,

Well,

His,

His or her potential doesn't exist.

You come back to reality.

This is who they are.

Are you willing to accept them the way they are?

And if not,

Move on.

So acceptance is very important.

So with our kids as well.

If we have a kid who's not athletic and your dream is for your kid to play pro basketball,

Pro hockey,

And they want to do ballet,

Well,

You need to accept your kid is not a hockey player and encourage their true self to grow and love them unconditionally.

That's,

Every time acceptance is brought up,

I keep,

You know,

Remember,

I like,

I always think of suffering being the suffering is the resistance to what is,

You know.

And I think when you are not accepting someone for whatever it is,

You know,

Like you just said,

The kid that wants to do ballet instead of hockey,

You're suffering,

They're suffering.

Like whenever,

Whenever you're not accepting somebody for whatever it is,

You're just spiting them and yourself and you're,

You know what I mean?

Like it's,

I don't think anything rips apart a connection,

The need for connection less than the resistance to acceptance.

I could be wrong on that,

But that feels like,

You know,

If you're not accepting the person for who they are and whatever aspect that is,

You know,

They don't want to get a job like you did when you,

You know,

They don't want to go to the same college.

You don't want to,

And then the bigger,

And then obviously the bigger ones that we all think of.

I think that there's nothing more damaging than the connection between two people than not accepting somebody for how they are.

It hurts the connection,

It hurts the bond.

And if you think from a kid's perspective,

It damages their self-esteem because it teaches them,

You're not okay,

I'm okay.

And that persists.

I've never heard that,

That's nice.

It's horrible,

But it's a big thing.

It persists into adulthood.

I'm thinking of a client I had yesterday who's brilliant,

Brilliant.

She's brilliant.

And I don't want to give too much details,

So I'll make it fictitious.

Let's say she has a degree in engineering.

But one job after the other,

She's such a kind soul,

She keeps being abused at work.

And she's burned out and she's decided she really loves another job that's totally unrelated to her job.

And it's pretend it's photography.

And that's frowned upon by her family.

And she's a 30-year-old woman.

And she's like,

But it makes my heart sing,

It makes me happy.

I don't want to be an engineer anymore.

And I know my family is going to push back because I won't make a lot of money in photography,

But I love it.

I'm trained as an engineer.

So there's this big struggle that it won't be accepted and it's putting her in fear.

How are these people going to react?

And she will follow this dream and then there'll be self-acceptance,

Right?

That it's okay.

Even if I'm an engineer,

I can become a photographer because that's what makes me happy.

That's beautiful.

That's a beautiful story.

At first when you said that you were talking to somebody and they were brilliant,

I assumed you were talking about me.

But that does not sound like a conversation that we've had.

So I will continue to dream that when you talk to other people,

You call me brilliant and then make up a fictitious story about me.

Behind your back.

Yes.

Please.

I only give people compliments behind their back.

So what is that?

That's a joke,

By the way.

Attunement.

What is that word?

I know being.

.

.

No,

No.

Just tell me what is attunement?

Attunement means once to be attuned,

You need to be present.

So it's being aware of the self and the other and being able to separate you from the other person.

So basically being attuned,

A bit like when you're tuning an instrument,

If you use a tuning fork,

When you're really on the note,

It flows,

Right?

So the conversations flow better,

The interactions flow better when you're attuned to the other person,

Their needs,

And you separate your needs from them.

And then it allows you to create healthier boundaries.

So if you're attuned to the other person and to yourself,

When things happen,

You're less likely to project onto the other.

You're less likely to take things personally because you're able to separate.

Yeah,

That's him.

That's me.

So if I'm attuned to you,

I'm really empathic that although we're discussing,

You also need to make sure the sound is good,

Timing,

And that you can't always look at me in the eyes,

That you need to attend to these other things.

So I'm really attuned to you so I won't be offended by your behavior.

So I won't react to you and project on you and go,

He doesn't like me and how dare he do this.

And if I'm attuned to you,

If I'm getting this right,

And if I'm attuned to you,

I'm not taking it personally that English is your second language and you have a better vocabulary than I am than I do.

See,

Than I am,

You have a better vocabulary than I do.

I tried to make a joke and I can't even.

It's not even a joke though.

You have a better vocabulary than I do and this isn't even your first language.

So ouch.

I do know what being attuned to something is.

I just wasn't thinking about it and I've never heard attunement in the way that it was said,

But that makes a lot of sense to me.

And I wanted to add to what you're saying is a good precursor to being attuned to someone is curiosity and presence.

If you're curious as opposed to judgmental or you prejudge or you set criteria,

Whatever it is.

If you prejudge a situation as opposed to being curious,

You cannot be attuned to someone.

So if you're curious,

Let's see where this goes.

Let's see how they react.

You're less defensive so you're more attuned to the other person.

And you're more inclined to validate,

Be empathic and problem solve.

And as a result,

It's less conflictual.

Not being attuned.

I can't read my own handwriting at the moment.

So I believe the next one is allowing.

Am I right?

Yeah,

We skipped one,

But we'll go back to it.

We skipped one?

We skipped appreciation.

So you pick appreciation or allowing.

Oh my God.

Well,

Let's go back to appreciation.

I'm so sorry that I skipped it.

That's okay.

So appreciation.

That's obvious.

We all like to know we feel appreciated.

That we're not taken for granted.

So showing our appreciation to other people makes the other person feel good.

It strengthens the relationship.

It shows reciprocity,

Closeness.

And if we show appreciation to the other,

It's another form of communication and promoting connection because the other person doesn't go unnoticed.

So all these concepts are interrelated,

Obviously.

There's a bit of an overlap.

Right.

I love appreciation,

Though.

I love showing appreciation for somebody.

I really love the whole process of going above and beyond to show appreciation.

And it costs nothing.

You don't need to spend money to show appreciation.

It could be opening a door for someone.

It could be a thank you note.

Exactly.

It could be telling them.

A voice memo.

It's almost jarring when somebody shows appreciation to you.

You know,

Like I don't think we ever expect it.

Yeah.

If you expected it,

Then you're stuck in being attached to the outcomes.

Exactly.

Yeah.

So if you're not attached to that,

Yes,

Appreciation always feels good.

I have found even when I do expect it,

Even when I'm like,

Come on,

Come on,

Which I do do sometimes and that is not great.

But even if I was expecting it,

It actually coming,

Like actually getting appreciation from somebody,

Never doesn't feel good.

You know what I mean?

Yeah,

Exactly.

You never expect to get that level of appreciation from somebody.

So I think that appreciation is a form of attention that is so loving.

Yeah.

And if you're very attuned to the other person,

I won't go into details into the how,

Because it's a whole episode on itself,

But there's a great book called the Five Love Languages.

We all have different ways that we like to be shown how we're loved and appreciated.

So if there's the words of affirmation,

Acts of service,

Some people like to give gifts,

Some like to spend quality time together and some like physical touch.

So if people want to do the test to see what their love language is and their partners,

Their children,

Then you can even take advantage of that and be even more attuned to how a person likes to be shown that they're appreciated.

That sounds awesome.

So that's called the Five Love Languages.

The Five Love Languages.

Awesome.

Yeah,

On their website,

They have tests for adolescents,

Couples,

Individuals.

It's interesting.

That sounds amazing.

Now we are moving back down to allowing.

So allowing is that it's self-explanatory.

You just allow things to be.

You live true to your values and you allow the other ones to live true to their values.

So it allows both people to be authentic.

It's very close to acceptance.

Allowing promotes or letting go promotes being allowing.

If you stop trying to control,

You're allowing the other person be the way they are.

It reduces resistance,

Anxiety.

And obviously,

To be in a state of allowing,

We have to let go of judgment as well.

So we got to accept not everyone is like us,

Has our values.

We all have different values based on our upbringing,

Our culture,

Our religion,

If we have one.

And we need to know everyone's different that way.

I think this is a good example of the difference between acceptance and allowing.

This doesn't really fit into acceptance,

But I think it fits into allowing.

And I'm not going to change the story to a fictitious one to protect the innocent because they're not going to listen to this.

So yesterday was Thanksgiving and the person we were hosting Thanksgiving and the person who will not be named was very particular.

And wants to do all of everything themselves.

And there was another person coming.

Well,

There were several,

There were a lot of people coming,

But there was one person coming that nobody was asked for help.

And it kind of blocked people from some of these things,

From getting attention and acceptance.

You know what I mean?

Because when it's Thanksgiving,

You want to help and do all of that stuff.

But one person that came was having a clearly bad day when they came in and were kind of miserable.

And there were a lot of reasons why that are very understandable.

And when the first person who was kind of controlling everything allowed them to do their thing,

Which they,

Was their comfort zone,

Which was helping.

So it had nothing to do with acceptance,

But when I think when she allowed the other person to help,

Which was what that person wanted to do,

Really.

It opened everything up and both of them had a much better day because of it and everything flowed better.

But you're not blocking the other person from a situation.

It's not like acceptance where you're,

There's something that you have to get over for them,

But just allowing them what they need in this situation.

Allowing them to be authentic,

Right?

Their authenticity is about helping out and allowing them to just be true to themselves.

And later that night when everybody left,

We were talking about it and we were like,

That's what everybody needed.

Everybody needed to be allowed to participate and feel good together.

And that was what everybody needed to feel that connection.

So the last one is affection.

Yes.

So a little warning before I get into it.

Affection,

That I'm talking about now,

Is physical touch.

So the warning beforehand is you really got to be attuned and accepting of the other person because some people have been victimized and don't like to be touched.

So it doesn't mean go start touching everybody.

So,

And there's important boundaries to be kept at work.

So there,

There's a place for touching and there are places where you never touch.

I mean,

Place,

Location,

And people,

Right?

So,

And there's forms of affection that are acceptable forms that are not.

So let's put aside everything inappropriate at the base,

Whether we're kids or adults.

We all need physical touch.

People who disconnect often might have a history of trauma or bad experience,

But there are studies in orphanages.

There are studies on couples.

People do better when there's physical touch.

We can co-regulate better.

It is soothing.

It improves our mood.

It reduces cortisol,

Which is the stress hormone.

Reduces heart rate,

Blood pressure,

Increases oxytocin,

Which is the love hormone,

Builds immunity,

Promotes healthy attachment between parent and child,

Promotes growth,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

And so on.

It helps with emotional regulation.

So there's tons of benefits to physical touch,

Which is probably also why pet therapy works so well,

Because we're touching the animals usually.

Yeah,

I,

That,

I don't,

Yeah,

That makes a lot of sense.

There's,

You know,

Sometimes there's like nothing better to calm you down than like a hug,

You know,

As it kind of sounds silly.

But it's not.

Because sometimes words,

There are no words,

Right?

I have a colleague who was just diagnosed with cancer and she's young.

And after we were over what's going on,

Both of the scans are getting surgery.

I just looked at her because she's not a close friend.

She's a colleague.

I asked her,

Do you need a hug?

And she said yes.

So I hugged her.

So hugs are soothing.

They make us feel good.

And like I said,

There are boundaries that need to be respected.

Obviously you ask permission.

But yeah,

There's tons of research on the physical and emotional benefits of physical touch.

Well,

Those are the six A's.

Yeah,

We covered them all.

Do you have any last words before we move into our gratitude segment for the need for connection?

Yes.

So all these A's are what build healthy connections between people.

But what's important to remember as well,

And we've talked about this before and we could talk about this again,

Is also the importance of boundaries.

Right?

So these are in ideal healthy relationships.

If we're dealing with toxic people,

Narcissists,

Abusive people,

We don't need to stay there and be attuned and give affection and allow.

And it's abusive,

Obviously.

So this applies to healthy relationships.

So the six A's only apply when there isn't the seventh A.

Abuse.

Yeah,

Great point.

Yeah,

Then you walk away.

That's the eighth A.

Walk away.

Away,

Away.

I don't want to,

Here,

You drop this mic.

Grab the mic.

There we go.

So that's it.

Let's talk gratitude.

Who do you want to go first,

Gina?

You go first.

Okay.

I am,

Our moment of gratitude,

How we end every show.

Today,

I am going to talk about being grateful for,

This weekend,

We have a,

I'm going to say family party,

Which is interesting because it's not my family.

But there's a family party and I'm grateful for the whole cliche,

Like you don't have to be blood to be family thing.

And the fact that those people have let me into their family and let me into their lives and consider me that close is very nice.

And so I'm excited to,

I just saw them yesterday for the holiday and tomorrow morning,

We're going to film something stupid and funny that I'm excited about that I wrote.

And then tomorrow night is a birthday party for the matriarch of that family.

And it's all going to be really nice.

Awesome.

I hope you have fun.

Thank you very much.

I actually am excited because I get to go because another gig got canceled for this weekend.

So I get to go to the whole thing.

Your moment of gratitude,

Your thing of gratitude for the day.

So my puppies.

So one is Lola.

She's my boxer.

She's really my dog.

The other little one is my daughter's dog with her dad,

But it's always ending up in my house.

So that's Lulu,

The little one.

The reason I love these dogs and especially my old Lola,

She's just turned 10,

Is their unconditional love.

They are attuned and present and themselves and they're nonjudgmental.

They bring me tons of joy.

They make me laugh.

They crack me up.

They bring me peace and they're amazing role models of patience,

Forgiveness,

Presence,

Unconditional love and how to take each day and live it to the fullest.

I just love them.

That's so nice.

I didn't put this together.

We talked about your dogs a little bit earlier because they were making some noise on a previous episode.

I didn't put this together,

But my cousin who I grew up with like a brother,

Lives in Tennessee now,

So kind of far away.

He has two dogs and their names are Lulu and Lola.

Wow.

What a coincidence.

Very weird.

All right.

So that is it for this episode.

Dr.

Gina,

People want to get in contact you.

They want to get your help,

Your perspective on some stuff.

What's the best way to find you?

So drjina.

Ca or drmadragrano.

Com.

And I have a free e-book so they can get it there as well.

Awesome.

Very nice.

And all of those links will be linked in the description of the episode.

Thank you very,

Very much,

Gina.

Have a great weekend.

You too.

For more information or to book an appointment with Dr.

Gina,

Go to drmadragrano.

Com or click the link in the description of this episode.

Reviews

Really appreciate the points you made here. Thank you Dr Gina 💙x